Welcome to the Departure Lounge: Adventures in Mothering Mother

by Meg Federico

A fresh, funny new voice, Meg Federico showcases her keen eye for the absurd in this poignant, hilarious, and timely account of one daughter’s tumultuous journey caring for her aging parents.

When Meg Federico’s eighty-year-old mother and newly minted step-father were forced to accept full-time home care, she imagined them settling into a Norman-Rockwellian life of docile dependency. With a family of her own and a full time career in Nova Scotia–a thousand miles away from her parents–Federico hoped they would be able to take care of themselves for the most part, and call on their children when they really needed them–but of course that’s not quite what happens.

As she watches with horror from the sidelines, Federico’s parents turn into terrible teens. Fighting off onslaughts of dementia and Alzheimer’s disease, Addie and Walter, forbidden by doctors to drink, conspire to order cases of scotch by phone; Addie’s attendant accuses the evening staff of midnight voodoo; Walter’s inhibitions decline as dementia increases and mail-order sex aides arrive at the front door. The list of absurdities goes on and on as Federico tries to take some control over her parents’ lives–and her own.

This is a story for the huge generation–nearly 76 million people–now dealing with the care of their parents. You’ll laugh and cry as you read this powerful and important debut.

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, Humor, Biography Memoir, The United States Of America, Family, Biography

208 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 2009

About the author

Meg Federico regularly writes humor for the National Post. Her work has appeared in The Globe and Mail, Shambhala Sun, and Agni Magazine (Boston University Press). She is the author of Welcome to the Departure Lounge. She has written commentary and created documentaries for CBC Radio. For several years, she wrote a successful column, “Transitions: Issues in Caregiving,” for the Halifax Daily News. She lives in Halifax, Nova Scotia, with her family.

Reviews

[Beth K. · Rating 2 out of 5]

Well, despite some laugh out loud moments, this book was a hard one. I can't imagine going through the caregiving journey that the author had to take with her mother, but I also can't imagine any other options for their unique situation. (I won't go into the whole thing; that's what the book's for.) The author did very well by her mother, I think, and gave her as much dignity as she could during the latter's decline. The book was difficult also, because of what I perceived as the author's unintended racism. She was never purposefully ugly but her upper-class background (and servant-steeped childhood) seep through in the tone of the book. She seems just entirely removed from anything other that WASPy culture and that was sad for me to read.

[Sara · Rating 3 out of 5]

A familiar tale of aging mother, has a stroke, needs care, but checks herself out of the nursing home. She wants to be in her own house. The book is written from a daughter/care giver perspective. The daughter provides long distance care, but still spends many weeks at the mother’s house. Interesting take on the trials of aging parents in their own homes. Some good reminders of details for caregivers, if the person wants to die at home.

[Lauren · Rating 3 out of 5]

I wanted to read this because as an Outreach Librarian, visiting nursing homes and providing materials to the homebound, I thought this would provide more perspective on the loss of dignity that can come with loss of mobility. Unfortunately, I had a difficult time getting past the enormous wealth of Addie and Walter, the aging parents. Despite a small sop to the less-privileged in the book's acknowledgements, I don't think the author could comprehend the indignities that most people go through as they age and are farmed through the geriatric medical system. Providing a staff of ten caregivers to tend to her mother and stepfather's needs, the author lamented the tedium of sitting on the sofa all day. Sorry, but I think a lot of caregivers would be delighted to have to do nothing more than read to or talk to mother all day, while paid staff do the gruntwork.

But death is universal despite disparities in wealth, and writing about Addie's death was both funny and tragic. The emotions at the book's ending resonated with me.

[Catherine · Rating 4 out of 5]

Federico recounts her travails caring for her elderly mother. But it's not just about the relationship with her mother. There's also her mother's husband, Walter, who is diagnosed with Alzheimer's.

The writing is honest and accessible. There were points when, like an accident by the side of the road, I wanted to avert my eyes but just couldn't tear myself away. Federico perfectly describes her adventures in the couple's altered reality with humor but also, at times, sheer exasperation.

I would recommend this book to caregivers of aging parents because there are golden nuggets of advice to be drawn from the book, but be ready to handle the raw truth.

[Melanie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed this book but at the same time the author's relationship with her mother and her upbringing was so radically different from mine that it made it a tad hard to relate at times. Still, since my mother is deceased and went through a horrible illness at the end of her life, there were definitely scenes that I could put myself right in to.

It made me grateful that my parents didn't suffer from dementia and empathetic to those who have parents who are facing that. There were some funny moments, and some sad ones and some that were just that mixture of emotions that remain undefined.

I'm still thinking about it and that always signals to me that it was a worthwhile read.

[Elizabeth · Rating 1 out of 5]

I had such hopes for this one. Her mother sitting up on the gurney in the hospital and yelling "I DEMAND AN AUTOPSY!" is still vivid for me. But unfortunately it was the highlight of the book. Instead of being humorous or touching it was mostly annoying. Her mother and stepfather are horrible people and the author wasn't able to make us care for them in the least.

[Zola · Rating 4 out of 5]

Much needed guidance

My own mother is failing, so seeing this book caught my attention. I truly appreciate the author's perspective told with honesty and courage. Yes, chose hospice. Many thanks.

[John · Rating 4 out of 5]

I give the book a high rating because the story is told so well, backed up by solid narration - I felt as though I were (vicariously) living the events as they unfolded. At the risk of re-hashing the plot (something I frown upon generally), Federico's mother and step-father have managed to "fake" their way along as their mental health deteriorated; her mother was losing her sight as well. On vacation in Florida, however, Addie suffers a traumatic episode, triggering a "crisis" situation, until her death (it wasn't clear to me how much time elapsed, a couple of years perhaps). Addie and Walter had been married and widowed, bringing children to the union, but The Brady Bunch this is not - toleration, not cooperation, best describes the kids' relationship; he had sold his house and moved into hers after the wedding.
Getting Addie home to New Jersey was a story in itself (Walter's daughter had taken him back alone shortly after the incident). She's placed in a facility, which ... doesn't work out. Various health aides are hired in shifts to look after the couple at home from then on, with the author and her siblings doing their best to "supervise" things long-distance. The step-sister, who lives nearby it seems, is implied to do as little actual work as possible. She's mentioned only a couple of times, once as she had "taken her father to New York for the day in a limo." The implication being that she's lazy and self-centered.
Meanwhile, he becomes more verbally and physically abusive, to everyone in the house, including Addie. The author mentions in a short aside that she was advised having (them) declared incompetent would be too difficult to pursue. Having some experience with such things in New Jersey, she should've moved her mother into a facility, citing the documented problems. Later on, there's a memoir-ish section on Addie and Meg's backgrounds, which was useful in putting the story in perspective.
Final thoughts ... Meg was either as naive (I hesitate to use the term "clueless") as she maintains, or a bit of a martyr. That may sound harsh, but if I had a physically abusive stepfather like that, I'd have gotten my mother out of there - or at least tried, in spite of the pessimism of those she says consulted. That having been said, I recommend the book for the writing, and narration - one of those cases where I'd say the audio seems preferable to reading the printed version.

[Judy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm sure I wouldn't have given this book four stars if I was reading it at age 35! Who can imagine what's in store when your parents and in-laws live to their 80s and 90s, you're 65, and they still live at home. Meg Federico is spot on with her descriptions she calls "adventures in mothering mother." You might think the author took a little liberty and embelished her stories of what it was like to deal with her mother and step father aging in place, but when you can compare her experiences with your own, you know she's telling it like it is. Her own family in Nova Scotia had to be put on hold while she flew to NJ and joined her brother on a long journey of dealing with incontinence, Alzheimer's, outside caregivers, alcohol, and falls, all written with a wonderful sense of humor and honesty, right up to the time the crematorium worker "winched the cardboard box up to the top oven rack, opened the door, and with a metal rod, pushed it in. Then the door banged shut." During the time my husband and I are trying to learn how to cope with these issues, I know I'll feel comfort recalling Meg Federico's story and hopefully relax a little, figuring you do what you can. I keep having thoughts of "please don't let me drag my child and his wife through this mine field!"

[Dr. Kerin Groves · Rating 5 out of 5]

I cried a little and laughed a lot. Then I made my sister read it, because we have a mom who is disabled. Then she made her friend read it, while she sling-shots back and forth from New Mexico to Florida to manage her own elderly parents' crises. And I suspect it will in turn be passed on to others.

Caring for elderly parents is emotionally draining (even when there is a seemingly endless supply of money as with Meg's family) and yet at the same time existentially rewarding. The humor of the book's ridiculous situations is well balanced with the agony of those same ridiculous situations. Well done dialogue, deeply touching moments, and an overall theme of acceptance instead of resistance make this a real treasure.

[wittierninja · Rating 4 out of 5]

Such a beautiful (and true) story of the author and her time spent with her ailing mother and stepfather. The book has a wonderful humor to its writing, and the author is refreshingly honest. I really could appreciate what she went through because Federico was so honest about what it was like taking care of a sick parent and how that stress affected all parts of her life. And it made me cry. (But what else is new?)

[SouthWestZippy · Rating 3 out of 5]

It was a good book but not a great book. It is a good look at a relationship of child dealing with aging parent but it fell short in humor and story telling. I felt some of the stories were long winded others pushed hard for humor and not substance. I grew up helping out my Mom when she worked(ten years) the at a nursing home. I have seen first hand the over acting children and the so what children. This woman did a little of both. The ending just about made me cry.

[Lynn · Rating 2 out of 5]

Funny and sad story of a mother's slide into dementia and death. Parts were humorous and parts were sad -and maybe not in the way the author intended. Not as irreverent as Center of the Universe by Nancy Bachrach but similar in many ways. I'd say, read one or the other but you really don't need to read both.

[Becky Roper · Rating 3 out of 5]

The saga of caring for aging parents is told with some humor and a lot of honesty about the stresses it puts on you. The old folks in this book are quite wealthy, so hiring lots of help was a luxury many of us cannot enjoy. Having recently cared for aging/dying parents I could relate to many of the frustrations. It is sometimes nice to know you are not alone in your struggles.

[Ruth · Rating 3 out of 5]

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, it reminded me so much of Grandma's last year or so. Well written and honest. Her mother asked her to smother her with a pillow if she had dementia, and at times she wished she could.

[Marci · Rating 5 out of 5]

A book about Dementia, Altzheimers, 2nd families, mothering your mother and stepfather. Good book that would be funny if it wasn't so sad. Found myself laughing about certain situations described in the book(no spoilers!) But feeling extremely guilty. Therefore the Grace of God I Go.

[Angie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Scary, scary book. It really pounds home the aspect that if your parents' doctor cavalierly says, "They're competent enough," even if you know better you cannot MAKE your parents stay in an assisted living facility.

[Rachel · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is funny, sad and touching. A good read for anyone facing this situation. I can certainly relate as my parents are older and I worry about them constantly. Went thought a lot of these things with my mother when her mother was being cared for at home after a stroke.

[Ellen · Rating 3 out of 5]

A very depressing look at caring for aging parents. I had hoped for more humor in this book, as the author is a humor writer, but I just found it to be sad and depressing. Getting old is hell!

[Louise · Rating 4 out of 5]

Equally hilarious and heartbreaking, frustrating and funny. Enjoyed it very much.

[Marleen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wonderfully touching and yet humorous look at taking care of aging parents. Meg discusses the frustrations of managing a mother's care from a distance and the effect it has on the whole family.

[Barb · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a "laugh so you don't cry" memoir by a woman who's juggling the care of her ailing mother and stepfather along with her own family life. Very funny, poignant and highly recommended.

[Mary · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have an elderly mother so this book touched home for me. It was written with such love and humor. I recommend it to anyone who has an elderly parent.

[Nancy · Rating 3 out of 5]

A poignant, humorous, yet a bit disturbing book about the trials of coping with elderly parents...worth reading.

[Tracytheteacher · Rating 3 out of 5]

Kind of funny account of a depressing subject (if you find death and dementia depressing). Sometimes you just have to laugh about the shitty stuff.

[Kathy · Rating 4 out of 5]

A must read for those dealing with aging parents. Humorous, and practical.

[Susan]

This is a great book for anyone with aging parents to read. Let's you know you're not alone, and things could be worse!

[Robbin · Rating 4 out of 5]

An amusing yet heartbreaking look at taking care of one's elderly parents.

[Anne · Rating 4 out of 5]

A painful read, but worthwhile.

[Kate · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book started off good but very quickly declined. It was well written and I could really hear the authors voice describing the events that took place but the actual story just because loony. You are supposed to feel sorry for the authors mom and stepdad in their declining time, but they were just horrible people - not just in their addled state but when they were younger as well. Racist, classist and horrible parenting galore. And ugh I just couldn’t stomach the bad decisions the author and her brother and staff made over and over. It was just astounding to hear, I understand they felt like they were in a bad spot but Jesus, use your brain for a second here. And why was the burden placed on them? 5 kids in a family and only two really showing up?!? The one that lives closest seems to resent ever having to show up and the other two only come like twice? Just a messed up rich family and I couldn’t stand anyone in the whole book by the end. This was not for me at all.