Fake: A Startling True Story of Love in a World of Liars, Cheats, Narcissists, Fantasists and Phonies

by Stephanie Wood

Women the world over are brought up to hope, even expect, to find the man of their dreams, marry and live happily ever after. When Stephanie Wood meets a sweet man who owns a farm and property, she embarks on an exhilarating romance with him. He seems compassionate, truthful and loving. He talks about the future with her. She falls in love. She also becomes increasingly beset by anxiety at the lavish three-act plays he offers her in the form of excuses for frequent cancellations and no-shows. She begins to wonder, who is this man?

When she ends the relationship Stephanie switches back on her journalistic nous and uncovers a story of mind-boggling duplicity and manipulation. She also finds she is not alone; that the world is full of smart, sassy women who have suffered at the hands of liars, cheats, narcissists, fantasists and phonies, men who are enormously skilled at deception.

In this brilliantly acute and broad-ranging book, Wood, an award-winning writer and journalist, has written a riveting, important account of contemporary love, and the resilience of those who have witnessed its darkest sides.

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Audiobook, Biography, True Crime, Crime, Book Club

352 pages, Paperback

First published July 2, 2019

Reviews

[Carly Findlay · Rating 5 out of 5]

I devoured this book.

I read an article about Stephanie’s catfishing experience in Good Weekend a couple of years ago and was enthralled. When I knew she was writing a book, I was very happy.

The book is a memoir, as well as in-depth research. I enjoyed reading the other interviewees’ stories too.

I am so sad this man has manipulated Stephanie and other women, but I am so glad she found the strength to write about it. I felt her loneliness, her anxiety and her hope, just waiting for Joe to make good again after so many disappointments. Joe was so very cruel.

Fake is very good.

I have been catfished too, and did relate a little.

I listened to the audiobook, narrated by Claudia Karvan. Her voice is divine.

Five million stars.

[Carolyn · Rating 5 out of 5]

Sydney investigative journalist Stephanie Wood tells an incredible true story of how her life was upended by falling in love with a narcissistic fantasist. Middle aged and single she still yearned to meet the Mr right her mother told her about. She met the man through a dating website and on their first date he told her he was an architect who has left the firm he worked for and now dabbled in property deals and has a small sheep farm on the Southern Tablelands. He also tells her he lives in a harbourside house he built himself and is divorced but shares custody of his two children. Although he seems to talk a lot about himself, Stephanie agrees to further dates and eventually falls in love.

For over a year Stephanie grapples with his unreliability and excuses for missed dates or arrangements. He always seems to have some crisis that causes him to back out of weekends away or trips to see properties he's buying. Either his children are sick or have been dumped on him by his wife, his dog is sick, there's an emergency at his sheep farm or he has to go to an urgent meeting about a property he's buying. It is only after she has broken up with him that Stephanie discovers his current life is based entirely on fantasy and deception and she is not the only one he has been deceiving.

Following her break-up, Stephanie's journalistic curiosity kicks in and she discovers some startling truths about this man. She also discovers she is not alone and talks to others duped by similar men. She also talks to psychiatrists and other experts about men with behavioural issues that cause them to lie and cheat, developing these fantasies that they become totally immersed in.

It must have been an incredibly brave undertaking for Stephanie to have written this book exposing her desires and yearnings and her year of personal hell and ongoing nightmare. One thing that is clear is that this could happen to anyone. Stephanie is smart and no more gullible than the next person but this man's fantasy world was so believable, to him as well as everyone else, and he played on her sympathetic nature to accept his lies.

In her epilogue, Stephanie describes how she eventually found solace in long distance swimming and has learnt to embrace solitude and enjoy a solitary life. She says "if we know how to deal with solitude we will better know how to deal with loneliness, and there are few among us who will not have to look that beast in the eye". She also urges us to "look at where you are and what you're doing and at all the wonderful things in your every day. Lots of little wonderful things add up to a life a little more wonderful. Forget the life you wanted or expected and grab the life you have."

[Anna Baillie-Karas · Rating 5 out of 5]

Exceptional. The story of Woods’ relationship with a man who turned out to be a fraud. The story is fascinating & the writing brilliant: pacy, funny & intelligent. It’s a brave, honest book. So compelling because we wonder how could she (a smart journalist) fall for it? Woods is alive to this & investigates w the help of psychologists & scientists why con artists lie & why we believe them. Will chime with anyone who’s trusted someone who lied.

[Claire · Rating 4 out of 5]

Yes indeed, very interesting and compelling. Fake is the kind of dramatic non-fiction we all need in our lives right now, especially if you are fascinated by human behaviour like I am. Wood strikes a really engaging balance between telling her personal story of a relationship with a 'fake', and interrogating this phenomenon from a journalistic perspective. It's well written and its a page-turning narrative. I couldn't ask for much more.

[Kim · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a riveting story. The gist is basically, clever people being caught out by conmen.
The author's conman was a love interest. He didn't really take any money, just completely unbalanced her and made it extremely difficult to function.
The reveal of the "how wide he'd cast his net of deceit" was ridiculous.
I'm feeling more and more that there's a lot to be said for leading a simple life. Nobody benefits from having these sorts of manipulative chaotic people in their lives.
Wouldn't it be great if those sorts of conmen got the psychological help they needed to improve themselves rather than their victims feeling they need a counsellor's help to recover.
Highly recommended.

[Jo Butler · Rating 5 out of 5]

An incredibly brave, raw, well-researched and insightful account of the perils of online dating, and the personality disorders that hide behind seemingly benign profiles. Even more so, this is an important story of love, hope and finding peace, and is sure to help countless readers who have found themselves in a similar situation. Beautifully written.

[Elle · Rating 4 out of 5]

I loved this book.

I first discovered Stephanie’s writing when she published an article about finding herself childless despite always wanting to be a mother. And then again, when she wrote about her experience with the conman of this story, Joe. It was brave to reach into those deep, tender parts of herself and bring them to light.

The book combines both topics and more. It’s a reflection on modern love, on the ways fairy-tales can shape the early and lifelong desires of young girls. And of course, she explores the sinister aspects of the search for love, particularly in an increasingly digital world.

The relationship with Joe was unbelievable to read about, but secondary (for me) to her story of discovery and re-connection with herself. The fallout inspires her to sift back through her history and unpick the threads of her own story. The bigger picture of her life, how things came to be, and what she sees on the horizon. It was very moving. Stephanie, if you ever read this – I hope you find the love you’ve longed for and deserve.

[Laura · Rating 3 out of 5]

Women the world over are brought up to hope, even expect, to find the man of their dreams, marry and live happily ever after. When Stephanie Wood meets a sweet, sophisticated man who owns land and businesses, she embarks on an exhilarating romance with him. He seems compassionate, truthful and loving. He talks about the future with her. She falls in love. She also becomes increasingly beset by anxiety at the lavish three-act plays he offers her in the form of excuses for frequent cancellations and no-shows. She begins to wonder, who is this man?

I won’t lie, I had high expectations of this book. I was expecting big things and I was expecting to be wowed. All in all, I wasn’t. Fake had some really great bits and some bits that bored me so much I actually skipped over them. The introduction didn’t grab me too much, but as Stephanie started to get into her story about Joe, I was curious. It was like a thriller, when I was dying to know what happened. It all came out about half way through the book, and then it left me feeling a bit lack lustre. She met up with other women that had been tricked by the same man. But as something I can’t relate to (and I’m very fortunate for that), I just got a little bored unfortunately. I know some people have loved this, but it didn’t give me as much as I’d hoped.

[Jennifer (JC-S) · Rating 4 out of 5]

‘The power of sharing a personal story.’

I finished this book, full of admiration for Stephanie Wood having the courage to write it. It cannot have been easy.

I have been fortunate, but I know others (both men and women) who have suffered at the hands of those able to construct plausible worlds in which they portray themselves (often) as the victims of others, while milking their (new) victims financially and emotionally dry.

What Ms Wood gives us is both her personal story and, using her investigative skills, some insights into a much wider problem. There are signs to look for, patterns of behaviour to be aware of – both in the victim and the manipulator. An online dating match may have been the start of Ms Wood’s nightmare, but it is not the only way into this particular hell.

‘We all have a sense of self – a personality and patterns of behaviour – but at issue is how well they work for us.’

Worth reading.

Jennifer Cameron-Smith

[Todd Winther · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good when explaining her experiences, thoughts, feelings, emotions and particularly her interactions with 'Joe'. Absolutely terrible when placing fraud, fake identities, and catfishing in a wider context. If the editor had cut these sections, mostly in the second half, reducing the book by a third it would have been a great book. Instead, it's an intellectual shrug.

[Wendy · Rating 5 out of 5]

"What is it with this embedded, maladaptive behaviour; this tendency to sketch fairytales, to place weight in ideas and dreams rather than reason and facts gathered over time; this tendency to take little things, mere specks of dust, and polish them, and invest them with meaning, and mistake them for the future?"

This is THE QUESTION.
I ask it every day as I shake my head and ask, WTF?

No matter where you turn, what field of endeavour you explore, you will find an example of narcissistic-personality disorder or anti-social personality disorder wreaking havoc, with the risk-taking, lack of empathy, and destruction of others' lives in its wake. Why don't we see it coming?
Phillip Kingston Carver, Elizabeth Holmes, Billy McFarland, Donald Trump, David Warner, Boris Johnson, Dirty John, the list is endless. And there are the nameless predators who remain un-named and active. These "monsters" are a dime a dozen. So I did not pick up Stephanie Wood's book to find out more about the fraudster with whom she had an "entanglement" that nearly drove her mad, that info is a predictable checklist of qualities and behaviours that are well documented and for me, completely eye-rollingly tedious. What interests me is how we, both individually and culturally, get taken in by these feeble and pitiful people. Why do we not pay attention to the red-flags, the warnings of our friends, our own common sense, or why do we not even look into the facts? What is that all about? "I always had nagging doubts about him which were extinguished so often by the force of my need to believe, to hope, to be positive, to allow the dream to continue to have air."

HOPE, the last evil in Pandora's box.

"We eat lies when the heart is hungry."

I first want to acknowledge Stephanie Wood for her courage, authenticity, and vulnerability. She opens herself up in a way that is commendable. She honestly explores what in her character or her life's story had her become easy prey for a fantasist, compulsive liar. She shares moments of humiliation and shame with us. Total respect. Kudos to her. Her willingness to "out" her gullibility and desperation in first an article and then in this book, has allowed thousands of people to go public with their stories too.

She writes really well, too. This book becomes compelling, un-put-downable reading. At the beginning of the book, I felt like looking away, reading about her desperation to make this shit-show into a fairytale romance was like getting fingernails pulled out. My amygdala was screaming, "Run away, run away!" It is not until she herself starts to unravel the fantasy and shows "ole Joe" the door, that the book got its hooks into me. I couldn't look away. This was the real love story. Where Ms. Wood starts loving herself enough to stop putting up with insanity.

As a successful journalist, she then turns her considerable skills into researching the background and the facts around the man she had been "with" for 18 months. The lies, fantasy narrative, other women, the past waves of destruction that "Joe" had wreaked in others' lives, began to become clear. Crystal. Like listening to "Dirty John" or reading "Bad Blood" or watching "The Fyre Festival", my jaw stayed dropped for the duration of this book.

"Con men hold the mirror up to you and you see reflected back to yourself your own desires, simple as that."- Howard Hilton

So what is it that we want, so desperately, that any con man or woman can tell us they will give it to us and we, intelligent, thoughtful people, suspend our rational judgment and become easy prey? It behooves every individual to answer that question for their own lives. Is it money, romance, adoration? Culturally, it is a more urgent and pressing question as we are being overwhelmed by the plethora of malignantly toxic leaders telling us what we want to hear, that life is controllable, that we can be safe, that it is getting better, that is not as bad as you think. Or our corporate leaders gaslighting us into thinking they can't afford a minimum wage, the products they produce are safe or that they have the workers' interests at heart. Or the toxic influencers saying you can be cool too, you can be in the exclusive club if you wear this, get this kind of bodywork, attend these festivals. In a world of increasing alienation, and a lack of connection to what is real, our desires are a welcome mat for predators.

In this book, Stephanie Wood explores much more than the devastating trainwreck "relationship" she participated in, she explores the prevalence of people with personality disorders in our modern world and our unpreparedness to not get caught in their web of deception and drama. So it was much more than an individual's story, it became a foghorn about treacherous rocks in the 21st Century sea of complexity and mendacity. Gaslighting is ubiquitous. We are swimming in a sea of false appearances and in that sea are those who are defective, who don't have a connection to themselves, who spin fantasies and are looking for people to be the supporting cast in that fantasy; to their mental, emotional, and financial detriment. Unfortunately, most people are optimists, they tend to believe that things will get better, that others are as truthful as they are, they are addicted to hope, love and illusion. These will be easier prey for the conman/woman, than those who look askance at what passes for success or romance. As one victim said to Ms. Wood, "How can you watch out for something when you don't know it exists; when it's beyond your worst imagination?"
Another QUESTION for the ages and for optimists to seriously consider.

In terms of a relationship "What Not to Do", this book should be required reading in every high school.
" I subsumed my own character, my own story, my own needs. I let him drain my well to fill his hollow soul."
The toleration of bad behaviour because we think we are getting something in return is a fool's road. An expensive one, too, on many levels. In this book, Stephanie Wood actually gives around 10 warning signs to look for and each and every one of them is on point.

Stephanie Wood emerged out of this brush with a malignant narcissist, stronger, more available to herself, and wiser. Her account is a must-read for anyone navigating this world of inauthentic liars, cheats, and narcissists. I want to give it to every woman I know.

[Jaclyn · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read/listened to this and was pretty riveted. After falling in love with a man who elaborately lied about everything, journalist Stephanie Wood deep dives into the world of narcissists and liars. She joins her personal story with research from experts and the stories of many others and after hearing so many heartbreaking tales I am suddenly suspicious of everyone.

[ellie ✨ · Rating 2 out of 5]

i didn’t like it yet i spent 10.5 hours having claudia karvan read it to me....... her impact

[Katie.dorny · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a wild ride of an investigative journalist’ experience with a con artist, manipulator and all around catfish.

[Sheree | Keeping Up With The Penguins · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wood might not have lost any money, but she was emotionally defrauded – a particularly sinister type of deception that is somehow more stigmatised than transferring money to a Nigerian prince. It’s nice that Fake isn’t totally introspective, and Wood doesn’t only focus on Joe’s destruction in her own life. She gives significant weight to the harm he has done to others, too.

My full review of Fake is up now on Keeping Up With The Penguins.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

Riveting. Well researched, interesting and mindblowing.

[Natalie M · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is an extremely interesting investigative story, beautifully written by journalist and author Stephanie Wood. This audio version, read by Claudia Karvan made it an exceptional ‘read.’
Based on the traumatic experience of being taken for a ride (hook, line & sinker) in life and love, the manipulation of a fantasist with a narcissistic personality, Wood delves into her own psyche which allowed the situation to occur. The cautionary tale shows how easily one can be drawn in, often by the need to be in a relationship to fit not only societal expectations but ones own. Turning fairytales on there head, the lesson is to be happy without the fantasy, to accept and be accepted, remove the blinkers and see the warts but don’t be blinded by what you hope to see there, despite its absence.
This will not be for everyone. The honesty with which she reveals her experience is refreshing. Well-researched with a clear and decisive message!

[Ellie · Rating 2 out of 5]

Not sure if this is primarily due to the crazy times we’re living in, but I couldn’t stomach how banal and self-indulgent this book was and I grew very weary of the author’s self-pity and generally low standards for herself. I was infuriated by what she let this man get away with and I don’t feel that at any point she conveyed what about him was so enchanting or appealing. I don’t mean to blame her for what she went through but I also didn’t enjoy listening to her analyse the experience for 14 hours when I felt she offered little meaningful insight or introspection. The audiobook was long and arduous to get through, and Claudia Karvan’s narration had a droll and rather ironic tone that really grated as it conveyed a sense of superiority that I didn’t feel the author was entitled to. Was glad to be done with it.

[Sian Santiago · Rating 3 out of 5]

I liked this book, but I didn’t love it.

Wood tells a compelling story about accidentally falling into a toxic relationship that is built completely on the compulsive lies of her partner. However, she often seems to be trying to explain how that could have happened to her or to other women who have shared their stories with her. But really, relationships like this can, and do happen to just about anyone, even women who never thought they would.

Women need to stop feeling like they must explain how they became a victim, when the answer is simply that a predator chose them to be the next in line.

3.5 ⭐️

[Akvilina Cicėnaitė · Rating 4 out of 5]

Well, this was a book I couldn't put down. A compelling, well-researched, honest, and raw story, a brave account of the author's experience with the conman.  But it's not just a story about a man the author falls in love with who turns out to be a liar and a manipulator, but also a reflection of the online dating and what it means to be a single middle-aged childless woman in today's world. Beautifully written, well-balanced, and moving.

[Amber · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars .........Very well researched and written in the vain of Nancy Friday , Woods is obviously a very competent writer. However , while each persons experience is their own version of devastation, I think compared to countless other women’s stories which result in death at the worst , life may not be so bad

[Toni · Rating 5 out of 5]

Brave, honest and important.

[Jenny · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was horrifying, infuriating, interesting and thought-provoking. I have learnt a lot. I went into this feeling angry at everyone, the victims included.
As I read further, I realised that the issues raised in this book just make me sad, and feeling as if everyone is potentially a victim.
The statistics and stories horrified me . That there are so many damaged relationships, and emotionally and physically injured people was unbelievable. That this is all caused by a toxic culture of manipulation and deceit stuns me.
Society needs to take its job of supporting parents and their children, much more seriously. Children need security, love and to be shown and taught kindness to others, but also to themselves. Low self esteem causes many issues for children, for their whole lives.


Stephanie Wood has a long road ahead of healing. She was able to bring the book to a close with a sense of hope and healing.

[Kate · Rating 4 out of 5]

Journalist Stephanie Wood met a man, Joe, who she thought was compassionate, truthful and loving. She fell in love, and they started making plans for their future. However, Joe's 'shifting excuses, cancellations, and grandiose plans', triggered Stephanie's anxiety and when the relationship ended, she switched into journalist-mode and uncovered the extent of Joe's duplicity and manipulation. Initially embarrassed and ashamed by how 'easily' she had been deceived, Stephanie soon discovered that she was not alone. Fake explores her story, and those of other women who have been deceived by 'liars, cheats, narcissists, fantasists and phonies'.

What I found most interesting about this story was that Stephanie unreservedly reflects on why the attention, interrogation and intuition she applies to her work as a journalist, was not equally applied to her love life*.

Every writer knows they must show not tell, yet I let Joe tell me everything and show me practically nothing.

An interview with a producer on a television program about these conmen shed some light - the producer said that when these stories are compressed into an hour-long program or a podcast, the duplicity of the conman seems startlingly obvious, however, the incidents that cause suspicion or alarm usually play out over years and are justified or excused.

Conmen hold the mirror up to you and you see reflected back to you your own desires. Simple as that.

Usually, the women, entangled in these relationships and 'addicted to hope', continue until friends or family intervene or there is a final straw/ ultimatum incident. As Stephanie concludes -

When you find yourself becoming a detective in your own relationship, it's time to call it quits.

3.5/5 Stephanie writes with honesty and clarity about something that is becoming increasingly common. Well worth a read.

*I have theories on that from a counselling perspective, although I'm sure that Stephanie exhausted this topic with her own therapist and/or found catharsis in writing Fake (for the record, usually when very strong emotions are at play - anger, anxiety, new love - logical thinking takes a back seat).

[Kerry Cashman · Rating 5 out of 5]

Mandatory reading if you're considering online dating as a way to meet your future spouse. Funnily, I only finished watching "Dirty John" on Netflix recently and thought that you'd have to be unlucky to strike a manipulative, narcissistic, delusional human being and not see through him. I stand corrected. Stephanie Wood is anything but meek, unintelligent or an easy pushover but when she falls for Joe. Her life as she knew it took a turn for the worse. She seeks professional understanding as to why women fall in love to try to understand why and how she was totally smitten by him. This Joe was a serial psycho who led her to become more anxious over his continual cancellations, stories about his dog, farm, children etc. all plausible reasons but all fake. After breaking it off with him, she uses her investigative talents to find out more about Joe and what an eyeopener she finds. More women, more elaborate stories and plenty of deception.

A brilliant writer. A well thought out story answering why, and an understanding as to how people can become manipulated by these perpetrators of lies. Definitely a page turner and one you won't be forgetting anytime soon.

[lucinda · Rating 4 out of 5]

A fantastic and well-researched book, this was so riveting and heartbreaking. 4 stars, via audiobook!

[Sarah Jones]

5/5 I listened to this and I don’t know if Claudia Karvan just really added to it but I absolutely loved it. There were a couple of very small bits that I thought were a bit pretentious (how many times can someone really use the word wunderkammer in one book) but otherwise I thought it was seriously interesting and well written

[Valerie Roettger · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolutely unputdownable! Well written and fascinating story line. The audiobook is beautifully narrated by Claudia Karvan - an added bonus. I listened to this book walking my dog, who got to enjoy some extra long walks as simply didn’t want to stop listening. A real page-turner!

[Lauren · Rating 4 out of 5]

★★★★☆ | 4.00 stars | RTC

[Diane · Rating 5 out of 5]

Terrifying yet fascinating at the same time. Thank you Stephanie Wood, extremely well researched and very brave.