Your Self-Confident Baby: How to Encourage Your Child's Natural Abilities -- From the Very Start

by Magda Gerber, Allison Johnson

As the founder of Resources for Infant Educarers (RIE), Magda Gerber has spent decades helping new mothers and fathers give their children the best possible start in life. Her successful parenting approach harnesses the power of this basic fact: Your baby is unique and will grow in confidence if allowed to develop at his or her own pace. The key to successful parenting is learning to observe your child and to trust him or her to be an initiator, an explorer, a self-learner with an individual style of problem solving and mastery.

Now you can discover the acclaimed RIE approach. This practical and enlightening guide will help you:

Develop your own observational skills Learn when to intervene with your baby and when not to Find ways to connect with your baby through daily caregiving routines such as feeding, diapering, and bathing Effectively handle common problems such as crying, discipline, sleep issues, toilet training, and much more.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Childrens, Psychology, Education, Family, Personal Development

256 pages, Paperback

First published December 1, 1997

Reviews

[Ariana Norgren · Rating 3 out of 5]

I am reading this as part of Brynn's Parent-Young Toddler class. These are comments on the book's content rather than on its writing. As someone who has been mostly practicing attachment parenting, I found some of Gerber's ideas difficult to swallow. Gerber spends a great deal of time discussing the theraputic benefits of crying. Babies should be allowed to cry and parents shouldn't jump through so many hoops to get them to stop. She cites adult anecdotal evidence of "feeling better after a good cry". You can call it anything you want, but the cry it out method of ensuring sleep essentially boils down to letting your child scream until they realize that their cries are being ignored and fall asleep. I have been told by so many people that this is the only way to get your baby to sleep through the night, but I am not convinced. Of course, Brynn still wakes up several times a night, so obviously I haven't figured out the right answer either.

I have issues with some of her other points regarding breastfeeding (she insists that if mothers continue beyond a year they are doing it for their own benefit), using highchairs ( I think even a baby should be part of the social interaction of the meal, not given their own mini table and chairs as she suggests), and babywearing (she is against it, I have found it very helpful.)

All of these things aside, there were some things that I found intriguing and have tried to adopt:

1) Giving the baby time to explore and play freely in a safe place. Instead of hovering constantly, the parent observes the child and joins in the play only when the child engages with him/her. Brynn has been doing some amazing things when I am not hovering over her directing her play. Of course, we still play together a lot, but I have tried to include some of this free time for Brynn everyday.

2) Allowing children to work out their disagreements (over toys etc,) on their own only interfering if a child is danger of being hurt. This is the approach we take in class and it is amazing how often kids as young as one can figure out how to end a dispute over a toy.

3) Telling the baby what is going to happen.

4) Respecting the baby's feelings by not saying "it's ok" when they hurt themselves and cry. Obviously it is not ok to them!

Overall, I found this book to be a mix of helpful and useless advice, which is by and large what most parenting books seem to be. They key is to pull bits and pieces from each and follow your own instincts about what is best.

This turned into quite a preachy review!

[Sharon Allen · Rating 5 out of 5]

A guide to parenting that aligns remarkably well with principles of neuroscience. An authoritative/ cooperative approach to parenting, rather than authoritarian/directive. I value the ideas about not attempting to help a child with tasks they have not yet developed to do, and when helping a child giving only the smallest amount of support to allow the child to complete the task (allowing for mastery). A method of parenting that really supports a child learning through exploration of the world (as they are seen as inherent learners) rather than direct instruction. I remember there were a couple of ideas that didn't work for me, but the philosophy- and many of the author's practical applications, made so much sense to me that these points of disagreement did not reduce the book in my opinion.

[Lgordo · Rating 3 out of 5]

This overlapped with Montessori on a number of good ideas: be respectful, treat your kids like people, promote independence.

And like Montessori, it gets a little weird once the author gets down in the weeds. Mirrors are bad, for example. Babywearing is bad. Roughhousing is bad. Tummy time is bad.

Most of these are based on the assumption that babies and kids think and act like dignified adults, and even then, some logic is missing. (Adults strap themselves into roller coasters to experience a similar thrill to being tossed in the air by your parent.)

If you ignore all those bizarre suggestions, some of which run counter to science, you’ll get the best this book has to offer.

[The · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read YSCB and Janet Lansbury’s Elevating Child Care in rapid succession; while this review will focus on the original work by Magda Gerber (founder of RIE in Los Angeles, CA), I may touch upon a few thoughts and ideas from Lansbury’s book as well.

The advice and ideas espoused in this book rest on two central premises:

Major premise; your baby comes built in with the tools it needs to learn and navigate its environment, and will create its own learning problems and discover its own solutions when given freedom to explore the world at its own pace
Minor premise; good parenting is less about what you put in early on and more about what you don’t, especially with regards to worry, anxiety and active interventionism
This doesn’t seem that controversial, but if you ask me it flies directly in the face of what I have routinely observed in both American parenting and Asian parenting, for example:

American parenting; your baby may be capable of great and wonderful things (which you implicitly choose for it), but like a Calvinist, you will only know for sure if you actively work to develop these talents and capabilities in your child. Failing to do so means risking that your child will turn out to be not one of the Elect, but a poor loser, or worse, quite average and content
Asian parenting; babies are stupid and a constant and confusing source of pride and worry for their parents, and if they are not condescended constantly almost from the moment they are born, they risk becoming ingrates, drug users, or worse, free thinkers, rather than guided automatons with eternal respect for their revered elders
American parents spend a lot of time getting wrapped up in the competition of their lives, which they impart to their children. Infant development is like a race– how quickly can the child progress from one stage to the next? And what burdens of guilt, anxiety, anger and frustration can the parents-as-pit-crew take on along the way to ensure the process is stressful and obsessive without wasting time reflecting about the race and why it must be won?

So this Resources for Infant Educarers (RIE) approach, developed by the Hungarian Magda Gerber after a chance encounter with a pediatrician named Dr. Emmi Pikler in 1950s Hungary, is not just an antidote, but a holistic approach for individuals and families looking to foster authentic self-discovery in their children and connection built on mutual respect amongst kin.

But it is NOT a silver bullet! Raising children is still a real challenge, it still involves difficulty and even moments of self-doubt.

Gerber offers these basic principles:

basic trust in the child to be an initiator, an explorer and a self-learner
an environment for the child that is physically safe, cognitively challenging, and emotionally nurturing
time for uninterrupted play
freedom to explore and interact with other infants
involvement of the child in all care-giving activities to allow them to become an active participant rather than a passive recipient
sensitive observation of the child to understand their needs
consistency and clearly defined limits and expectations to develop discipline
Gerber cautions parents to slow down, to develop the habit of observing before intervening. Many child troubles — frustration during playtime, an unintentional fall, conflict over a piece of property with another infant — can be resolved by the child on its own if they’re given the opportunity and support to meet the challenge with their own solution. Similarly, it is not the parent’s duty to entertain or preoccupy the child, children become present-oriented and externally directed primarily through the influence of their anxious parents. If left to their own devices to play and explore at their own pace in a safe environment, they will learn to focus and entertain themselves through their own creativity and exploration at length.

Another suggestion is to “sportscast” the infant’s life during caregiving activities such as feeding, diaper changes, bath time or preparation for bed. By narrating what is happening to the child and why, and what will happen next, the child learns about the meaningful sequence of events in its life and can begin to build expectations about the future and acquire a measure of predictability about its life and routines which creates security, comfort and trust in the parents and caregivers. Young children’s minds are “scientific”, they’re always trying to understand the cause-effect relationships behind observed phenomena and one of the primary cause-effect relationships they are exploring as they develop is the sequence of activities across time. Much like raising a dog, following a predictable routine reduces stress in the infant’s life and allows them to focus their attention and learning on other things than the fear of what might happen next to them.

According to Gerber, quality time means total attention and focus on your child. Holding your baby while you watch TV, or read, or run an errand, is not quality time and the child can sense that it’s not the priority. Quality time is watching your child play, uninterrupted, or reading to him, or giving sole focus to feeding him, or diapering or bathing him. Because of this, Gerber encourages parents to reflect on even the routine caregiving moments, because over thousands of repetitions over an infant’s life they will leave an indelible mark on the relationship and come to represent a sizable proportion of the total “quality” time spent together– do you want your child, even in their limited perceptual state during infancy, to see their diapering as a disgusting task you as a parent have to get over with as quickly and cleanly as possible several times a day, or do you want your child to see that you love them and are interested in them even when doing mundane things like changing their diapers?

Further, this approach has a transformative effect on the parent, as well. By treating the relationship respectfully and seeking to include the child in caregiving activities by narrating what is occurring and being present in the moment, the parent is slowly but surely training themselves to see their child not as an obligation to which things must be done, but as another person like themselves with needs and values and a personhood just like other adults they interact with. They will be modeling for their child the very behaviors they wish for them to adopt in how the child is expected to behave toward others.

This book is chock full of so much wonderful, important information for parents, caregivers and anyone interested in the world of small children. It’s too hard to try to summarize all the advice and concepts and it wouldn’t be worthy to try. Instead, I will simply observe that this is another philosophical work that goes much beyond how to put on a diaper or how to create a safe playspace, and instead says much more about how we can build a peaceful and encouraging society for all people to live in, adults and children (future adults) alike. And to the extent this approach is not recognized and its advice goes unheard and unheeded, it explains clearly why we witness the social problems and family and individual dysfunctions we do!

Here is a brief list of some of the more pithy wisdom I enjoyed from Lansbury’s “Elevating”:

As parents, our role in our baby’s development is primarily trust
Our relationship will be forever embedded in our child’s psyche as her model of love and the ideal she’ll seek for future intimate bonds
The secret to connecting is to meet children where they are
Grieving people want and need to be heard, not fixed
A nice bedtime habit to start with your child is to recapture the day… You can also mention what will happen tomorrow. This connects the past, present and future and gives her life a connected flow
Since our lifespan is getting longer, why not slow down?
We don’t think twice about interrupting infants and toddlers, mostly because we don’t think to value what they are doing
Babies are dependent, not helpless
“Readiness is when they [the baby] do it.” “When you teach a child something, you take away forever his chance of discovering it himself.”
Instead of teaching words, use them
“Don’t ask children a question you know the answer to”
Purposefully inflicting pain on a child can not be done with love
4/5

[Alexis K. · Rating 2 out of 5]

Your Self-Confident Baby is not a good book for new parents. It has too many personal opinions and philosophies hiding under the guise of "best-practices" and "expert advice" that you should avoid it at all costs. This is especially true if you do not have first-hand experience with children and can weigh the "crazy" with the "reasonable."

Reasonable Ideas:

1: Try to focus on your child when you are in the room to the best of your ability. So, put your phone away.

2: You do not need to intervene every single time a child gets into difficulty as they can manage a lot of things themselves.

3: Talk to your child about what you are going to do, even if they are very young and do not understand what you are saying 100%.

4: Give your child options (when possible).

5: Don't feel the need to constantly be "hovering" over a child's play time. They will indicate when they want you and how they want you to be there.

The Delusional Ideas

Your Self-Confident Baby is a book without humility or self-awareness. It often reads more like the musings of an overly confident grandmother who believes they were / are perfect and enjoys heaping scorn on their daughter-in-law for every mistake they make. And that would be fine (every grandparent drops gems of wisdom due to their life experience, even those drunk on their own hubris) except Magda Gerber often contradicts her own teachings. Let's look at some examples:

Parents (no matter their circumstances) should find a way for one parent to stay home and raise their kids until 3 because a career can be paused.

Ignoring the completely bananas idea that you can "pause" your career and restart it as you want (even with a three year gap), Gerber doesn't hold to her own philosophy. Firstly, there are two RIE (her philosophy's name) daycares set up that you can drop your kids off at. So, when money is involved, she's fine with ignoring her oft repeated advice that a parent should stay home UNLESS IN EXTREME CIRCUMSTANCES. Her daycares are ready to help you with your working situation (CONTRARY TO HER OWN ADVICE!). Next, she argues parents should have their "own" time while raising kids. They should go out and be free from their children ... two to three times a week! And if possible, a few more times. What? Who should care for your children during this time if only a parent should look after them? Oh, a carer. Or a grandparent. But, hey, don't feel guilty because you need a little "me" time. It's fine to leave them with someone else (when you're having fun, but not to pay the bills). Finally, this whole pedagogy was designed by Dr. Pikler for kids who had been abandoned during WWII. The entire creation of the system came from institutional care and enabled kids in group settings (on the whole) to be as emotionally adjusted as those in families. So, her idea is in complete opposition to the actual founder's (and educational expert's) discovery.

Observe and be there for your kids.

Gerber has a super weird view of observing children. She constantly drones on and on and on and on about how parents have to put away all their distractions. They have to watch their children intensely and read every minute and tiny emotion. They cannot take their children out to the supermarket or stores because in those situations they will not be focussed be the kids. This argument feels endless. And then, ha ha ha, she just tells you to abandon the child in a "safe" room. You read that correctly. If you cannot focus 100% on your child, put them in a room (or place) that you have made 100% safe (with toys) and leave them. Sure, tell your 9-month-old baby that you'll be back in thirty minutes, but don't feel like this is a bad thing when they cry. You don't need to observe them all the time. They'll be fine. They need their independence. "Quality" time is more important than "quantity." And this idea holds true even when they're two or three and you've left climbing equipment in the "safe" space because they were okay when you watched them for a few minutes playing with it earlier. What could possibly go wrong with a small child and heights?

So, yeah, that's her advice. Observe them and be with them, until you don't want to anymore. Then just leave them and run away. This is fine. This is the way raising a child should be.

#$#%&$%$#$#%$#$ out of here.

Children are to be respected.

There's a couple of ideas here: children are to be respected, but their cries should be ignored. This may seem contradictory, but it's generally consistent. She's talking about 0-to-2-year-olds and explaining that babies and toddlers struggle with communication. As such, they often resort to "crying" to express a variety of wishes, desires and issues. Most of these are unimportant and we should try to sort out which cries represent what.

Where it gets delusional is how she respects children's wishes ... right up until they disagree with her philosophies. If a child is interested or fascinated with a mirror, it doesn't matter because Gerber thinks they are too complicated for children to understand (there's no research linked to explaining why this is true, fyi). Complicated or modern toys that are designed by actual experts in their field and captivate toddlers are "limiting" and stop the imaginative process. It doesn't matter if a child plays with modern toys and discovers new (and unique) ways to use the toy, old blocks and simple equipment are the best. (Again, no research is linked to support this. This a theme that will come up over and over throughout the book. The good ideas have actual (although limited) references. Her philosophies don't but are presented just as authoritatively.) When a child is left alone in a room and screams for a parent, this is not a sign of distress or emotional abuse. All you have to do is get the child familiar with the experience by repeating the action over and over for longer periods of time. Start with ten minutes. Then work up to an hour. Maybe two. Your 18-month-old will understand that you love them a lot when you leave them alone (by themselves) in a room for two hours.

However, if you put them in a high chair—you're forcing your "wants" on a child because you're limiting their freedom of movement. If you take your child with you to the store, even if you are engaged with them in a store and talking to them as you shop, you're treating them as an "object."

These are "facts."

Ah, and if your child laughs boisterously because of peek-a-boy and asks for it—that's healthy. However, if you tickle them and your child asks to be tickled again (or piggy-backed or spun around or any type of horseplay) that's assault. And those laughs are a kid crying out in pain due to their fear. Is it possible that Gerber simply doesn't like horseplay and has a bias against it? Maybe. Is it possible Gerber has some irrational dislike of high-chairs? Sure. However, let's see what happens when a parent raises this very issue.

There's a story in the book about a parent who pointed out that they liked to place their kid in a high chair because eating with the family is something a kid might want to do. Gerber smiled, politely, and said she likes little chairs because that's the true way to respect a kid's desires. Really? The kid's desires?

This tactic comes up over and over throughout the text. If there are any ideas that disagree with Gerber's notions, she smiles condescendingly and says that her way "respects" the child. This is true even though she admits we cannot understand or know a child's mind when they're this age. Unless, of course, she's giving advice because she understands kids better than they know themselves. How does she know what "respect" means for every single child? Because she has watched them. Not carried out studies or written academic papers. Not worked tightly with the educational community and tested her hypotheses against control groups. No. She's watched kids, and that should be enough for you.

Other Irritants

To finish, let me list some "best practices" that are simply weird or impractical for a number of families:

1: having enough space for an inside and outside playroom (as if we all own giant houses),
2: keeping your children at home and with your for three years (never taking them out),
3: hiring a carer two or three times a week for around 4-6 hours a time,
4; putting your child to bed at 6pm,
5: not rocking your child to sleep,
6: not driving your child to sleep,
7: allowing kids to play on a climbing frame unsupervised,
8: allowing kids to fall off a chair for a "learning" lesson,
9: having an enormous list of "wants" for your group daycare center,
10: not helping your kids with simple actions - either let them do it or do it all yourself,
11: not aiding a kid with walking down the stairs,
12: not showing (or demonstrating) to your kid how to use anything,
13: her obsessive references to therapists (and idea no kids raised on the RIE system will need them),
14: her belief that RIE isn't a fad, but every other parenting philosophy is,
and so on ...

Look, I can't recommend this book to anyone. The good stuff you can find in other parenting guides and the bad stuff is just too numerous to fully list. Some of it feels borderline neglectful and abusive. Even the underlying thesis is questionable. Are the children raised by this method self-sufficient because they're confident, or are they they self-sufficient because they've realized their parents aren't going to help them? At three years old, those kids are already alone and they know it.

To be honest, I don't know where healthy independence begins and traumatized self-reliance starts, but this book feels like it's skirting an extremely close line between those two. The concept of "quality time" (as it often does) can hide the selfishness and neglect of a parent using this construct to spend less and less time with their kids, while investing more and more time on their own wants. As long as these parents are "completely engaged" during the 1-2 hours they spend with their children, they can live guilt free and tell themselves how great they are as parents. And if their kids grow up and turn out alright (like most kids do), then they'll pat themselves on the back and pretend they actually were good parents.

So if you've had a good outcome by using the RIE method, fantastic. But there's no way I'll be using 1/8 of what she says for our kids, and even the suggestions that make sense, I feel like I need to check them with other literature before putting them into practice.

[Teresa · Rating 3 out of 5]

Me ha resultado bastante más fácil visualizar como posible tal y como lo narra esta mujer. De hecho me apunto algunas cosas para cuando nazca Cacahuete. Ahora me gustaría encontrar una obra similar de una corriente de pensamiento opuesta o contraria o diferente de esta.

[Lisa · Rating 2 out of 5]

It wasn't the worst book I've ever read, but it wasn't particularly good. The writing is abysmal. She copies and pastes entire paragraphs and doesn't seem confident on what is and is not a sentence. For content I disagree with at least half of what she preaches. The stuff I liked was about respecting my child, listening to his cues, and encouraging him to work through problems himself. That would have taken at least an index card to convey...

[Katie · Rating 1 out of 5]

nope. not impressed. Surprised by the reviews. Do not think it's balanced. For example she goes on about how staying at home until 2 is best for the child, inserts a little snippet that if stay at home isn't for you or financially isn't possible then do what you need to do only to sandwich it in with it's best to stay at home... that was the red flag for me.

[Kalyani Mccullough · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is my favorite parenting book so far. Treating babies with respect and like the tiny humans that they are really makes sense to me.

[Cassi · Rating 4 out of 5]

I've found a lot of value in principles from the RIE approach to parenting but there are definitely some things I disagree with. These are my thoughts.

What I find valuable:

1. Look at you baby as an individual, whole person that deserves respect from the very beginning.

2. Tell your baby what is going on and what you are currently doing. They may not understand what you are saying at first but you'll be surprised at how quickly they can comprehend and doing it builds good communication habits that become more and more important as they get older.

3. Give your baby your full attention during care giving tasks like changing diapers, feedings, baths, etc. and involve them in the process.

4. Allow your baby alone time to explore and discover things on their own.

5. A baby communicates many of their needs by crying. Don't try to shoosh them right away if they start fussing. Make the effort to observe them and figure out what they are trying to communicate.

6. Give your child a completely safe place to play where there aren't any "nos".

7. Before you do something to your child think about how you would feel if someone did that to you. Would you like to be tickled till you couldn't breath or thrown high in the air?

8. Remain calm. Save your loud voice for situations where they are in danger.

9. Set clear limits and make your expectations of them clear. Try to make punishments for bad behavior a natural consequence of that behavior and not some disconnected event.

10. Slow down and be patient. Try to see things from their perspective.

11. Request and expect respect back from the child so that your needs are met as well. Go ahead and shower every day and have some alone time when you need it. If your needs are met you'll be a better parent.

12. Use simple toys and avoid over-stimulation.

Some of the main issues I have:

Sleeping. The RIE approach is to put a baby down sleepy but awake and let them go to sleep on their own. The problem is that this doesn't happen. They talk about letting them learn to self soothe by placing them in their crib and leaving. When they start to cry go in and tell them that it is time to sleep and leave again. Basically a cry it out method that they claim isn't a cry it out method because you go in and be with them for a little while when they cry and explain that it is time to rest. Maybe this is doable for some babies or when they get a bit older but it seems contradictory to other parts of the RIE approach. For example, in the RIE approach, you allow your child to figure things out on their own as they are ready. They recommend you don't help them learn to roll over, crawl, walk, etc. They lay on their back only until they figure out how to maneuver into another position (I don't completely agree with this part either, but more on that later). Don't expect them to do things that they aren't ready to do and aren't age appropriate basically. Well who decided that being able to self soothe and go to sleep on their own is something that is age appropriate for a little infant. They want to go to sleep but they just don't know how and it seems cruel to me to expect them to do it on their own at first. When they are tired and cry, they need help. They are in this strange new environment and it is a huge adjustment. If they need to be held while they sleep sometimes or rocked, or soothed in some other way, then do it. It seems to me that it is the parent's responsibility to help them get the sleep they need until they are ready to do it on their own.

My other big issue with RIE is that it discourages parents from teaching their kids skills. Motor skills, alphabet, colors, numbers, reading. All these should be figured out by the child on their own or delayed till they are taught in school. I definitely think we should give children the chance to figure things out and explore on their own, but it is a parents job to facilitate learning and prepare them to face the world.

[Sinan · Rating 3 out of 5]

There are very useful tips and advices in terms of child independence and autonomy but I can not say the same in terms of parental guidance(parental authority) and affection. The whole idea of the book is "challenge/nonintervention brings mastery and self confidence(whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger )" but where is the limit to stop and when it starts to be damaging for the child is a very big question mark in the book.

She reflects her "unhappiness" about her parents' way of parenting and takes it too much to the other edge(even for her own children) and does not advice a balanced autonomy vs parental guidance (parental authority) in my opinion, at least not in this book. She is on the permissive side(even promotes pedagogical neglect in some cases) of parenting and idealizes self confidence and downgrades the value of other core qualities. A healthy psychological development with moral values is a big miss in the book.

There are vague, incomplete and self contradicting ideas here and there due to badly written text. Several important statements start with "I feel that" makes the book far from being fully experiential let alone being scientific. At least one scientific study referred is based on adults, not children, so it is a bit disappointment to see such huge mistake. Some advises are also in conflict with current known scientific facts. The way she uses some concepts like respect has the danger of hiddenly proposing that a child is mature like an adult which is far different from being capable and resilient in nature.

A generous 3 star.

[Teddee · Rating 3 out of 5]

Describes RIE (Resources for Infant Educarers) approach developed out of necessity for Hungarian orphans by Dr. Pickler. Concept is to observe and allow baby to explore on its own through its own innate curiosity, rather than constantly entertaining and stimulating. Instead of distractedly carrying baby all the time, she recommends letting the baby explore on its own in a safe area, and then actually focusing and interacting with the baby during quality time. Approach is more of an anecdotal parenting philosophy, rather than evidence-based research, but there are still good ideas in here regardless. p91-99: Encourages treating a baby as a capable being, respect for babies by asking for permission and always notifying them of what you're doing, allowing babies to discover things on their own, figuring out solutions to frustrating problems on their own rather than spoon feeding them everything, and allowing them to gain self-confidence through this self-discovery process. Encourages learning to wait and only selectively intervening. Discourages praise, which will make the child seek satisfaction from external sources rather than its own joy of discovery.

[Julie · Rating 1 out of 5]

I want to echo the previous comments about this being a poorly written book. The authors seem unable to make persuasive arguments--writing 101. At times, vague cultural assumptions are addressed in nary a paragraph and, at other points, a single, specific child is used as an example. Neither of these extremes gives validity to its points. Also, the authors don't seem to anticipate and respond to obvious questions that a reader may have about these child-rearing practices.

I also question the basic premise that self-confidence is the most important thing a child learns. I believe that's the hallmark of an overly individualistic culture. Aren't self-confidence and the ability to participate in a community equally important?

That said, I do believe that it's important to observe and respect your child, to tell them what you doing with them, and to give them space to learn on their own--just not in as absolutist terms as suggested here.

[Ness · Rating 2 out of 5]

There were some good tidbits, and I generally find the RIE approach to be sensical when it comes to toddlers, but I stopped reading when she started speaking fondly about sleep training using the Ferber method. There is nothing respectful about leaving your baby to cry and forcing independent sleep on an infant who is not developmentally ready to sleep alone.

[Stella · Rating 5 out of 5]

This and Janet Lansbury books and blogs are the only parenting books i would recommend in retrospect, esp. to first time parents. This would have saved me so much grief with my first born. Relaxed, respectful parenting that makes sense and guilt free self-care included.

[Nina · Rating 3 out of 5]

The basic orientation resonated with me, namely that parents should create safe spaces then back off and allow the child to self-regulate and explore at her own pace. No coaching the baby towards “higher skill” forms of play (practice walking, roll the ball, whatever). No jumping in the second the child starts fussing out of frustration. Let her captain her ship. Self-starter curiosity, tenacity, mastery, and the ability to self-sooth are far more important than whatever skill you want to help her master, even if it’s uncomfortable to sit back and not jump in. This general idea stuck with me, resulting in a far calmer demeanor and fewer instances of overstimulation (hers and mine). Our days are far less frenetic and stressful than they would otherwise be.

Edit: skimming through the book again just now, and ooof. There is some batshit crazy stuff in here. So yay for the central message that stuck with me, and just jump over everything else.

[Ariel Jensen · Rating 5 out of 5]

A thorough introduction to Magda Gerber’s RIE approach. I appreciate the sentiment that infants and toddlers are whole humans. Children of every age deserve respect and patience from caregivers in order to develop self-confidence. I’ve been able to implement many of the RIE philosophies at work & have found them to be valuable.

[Victoria Haf · Rating 4 out of 5]

Escuché que mencionaban este libro en un podcast sobre RIE (resources for Infant Educarers) y se me hizo interesante porque es una forma de crecer respetuosamente a los niños desde el nacimiento. Aunque no estoy de acuerdo con todo y no voy a aplicar exactamente lo que dice, sí tiene muy buenas ideas y aplicando algunas cosas me ha ayudado bastante con mi hijo de 3 años: pedirle su cooperación en su cuidado personal, dejar que resuelva solo, observarlo antes de intervenir darle lenguaje para expresar sentimientos, dejar que auto-regule su apetito, hacerlo parte activa de su disciplina, etc. En realidad lo que aboga el libro son formas sencillas pero van muy en contra de lo que estamos acostumbrados a hacer por la forma en la que hemos sido educados en la casa y en la escuela

[EMitro · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book. I loved it. Much more gentle and less judgemental than the one of Montessori method I read before this.
I found some really useful insights and practical examples on how to act in different situations.
Especially the last chapters about toddlerhood were very interesting to me.

[Luka JP · Rating 5 out of 5]

Kol kas turbūt geriausia, ką skaičiau vaikų tema. Daug dalykų buvo, kurie, net neturėdama vaikų tą suprantu, tikrai neveiks praktikoje taip gražiai (ar išvis), kaip jie čia aprašomi knygoje. Buvo dalykų, kurie tiesiog man asmeniškai neatrodo teisingi. Bet iš esmės - labai man tiko ir patiko šita filosofija. Tik žinoma, kaip bet ką, reikia skaityti ir vertinti kritiškai.

[Alison · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of my best friends recommended this book, and I loved it! A great introduction to RIE parenting -- some stuff is a little out there, but I think there is a lot of good ideas in the book too.

[Traci · Rating 3 out of 5]

First, I don't believe in subscribing to parenting styles. Can people really identify with everything laid out by one particular set of rules? I doubt it.

That being said, I thought I'd try reading about RIE (Resources for Infant Educarers) for the under 2 crowd. Our daycare's infant room teacher, somebody who I've come to respect as an "educarer" and as a mom (her youngest and mine are born two weeks apart) is a strong believer in it in the classroom and at home, so I thought I'd read up on it since this is how my children are treated at school.

There's a lot of good stuff here (ignore the bad writing and just look at the content).

Here are my takeaways and things we've been trying at home:

Respecting your child through observation, only intervening/helping when safety is concerned, talking about what we're going to do before it happens (we started this a while back and boy does it make a difference with the toddler), assessing the crying with infants before picking them up.

There are other ideas I just can't swallow. I use high chairs, I wear my baby, etc. and I fully recognize that these are conveniences for me (seriously, I do not want my kid eating from my lap at every meal). I also believe in pacifiers if the child has a strong inclination for one. There are other things that don't sit well with me either.

Regardless, I found it an informative read and if I had to adopt one parenting style, this would be it. It both respects the child and the parent's time and resources... can't beat that!

[Teresa Bowman · Rating 2 out of 5]

It has some useful advice, particularly around conflict and independent play.

I strongly disagree with her about breastfeeding, babywearing, and high chairs. Breastfeeding has plenty of benefits after one year. Most babies love being worn, that's why we've done it for thousands of years. I don't babywear as much now that my toddler is 15 months, but it was something he loved when he was a newborn. And her thing about high chairs being restrictive and having kids sit at their own table, I think makes more sense when in a daycare setting or around other kids but doesn't make any sense for an only child. I'm not going to make my kid sit at his own table on the floor when he could be enjoying the social aspect of sitting at the same level with his parents. Her feeding methods are also highly outdated. If a child can't sit up on their own, they aren't ready to eat. She talks about spoonfeeding babies in your own lap, but this makes it very difficult to follow the child's cues for hunger and fullness. Wouldn't the best way to foster a child's independence and build their confidence be to let them feed themselves?

She talks about the importance of not putting babies on their bellies and instead on their backs so they can look around. But how are they supposed to get in tummy time if we always put them on their backs?

Overall, it was a bit too judgmental for me of any way other than RIE. But there are some useful bits and it wasn't a waste of time to read.

[Siskiyou-Suzy · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was excited to read this book as somebody recommended it for parents of "velcro babies". I get the point -- it's definitely similar to Montessori in that over-support of the parent is viewed as harmful or even disrespectful to the child's development. Don't carry the baby everywhere. Don't constantly stimulate them. Allow interactions to happen naturally, without parent interference. I do like a lot of those things. It's also really hard to implement them when your husband's instinct is apparently the opposite of this -- and there is no actual evidence in this book that these things have certain outcomes. It's just Magda Gerber's opinion. So I stopped reading it. I can go to Montessori for that, it's much more organized and specific and has many of the same ideals.

There's also a part where Gerber talks about not patting your child because it's close to hitting them? As a preschool teacher of 10 years, there are children who absolutely need that sort of feeling in order to calm their bodies down. It's nothing like hitting them. Try different types of touch with your baby and see what they respond to and don't. Don't just listen to Gerber insisting nobody could ever have the sensory need for rhythmic patting.

[Kat Cav · Rating 3 out of 5]

Overall, I liked it. It's the first "parenting" book I've ever read (even after being a mom for three years already). I've been winging it and not doing too badly. I decided to pick this up from a friend who was giving it away. I said why not? I like RIE, mostly. It seems to mesh well with what comes naturally to most parents, I think. There are several tips I took to heart to try with the next kid, things I definitely struggled with on our first one. I didnt like how the book read so infomercial heavy at times, for the RIE program and support centers. I understand the author is the creator of RIE, so this is to be expected, but it was just WAY too much for me, hence the 3 stars. She loved to present research that supported her beliefs, but never once presented any that opposed it, so she could answer it or counter it. I would have liked to hear what she had to say in defense.

[Celly · Rating 5 out of 5]

I first learned about Magda Gerber in my RIE training classes. I studied at the RIE institute in Los Angeles, and learned a great deal that I apply to this day in my work. Her philosophy teaches parents and professionals to respect the infant by being very observant of their cues, thus allowing the baby to be an active participant in their environment instead of a passive recipient. When new or expecting parents ask my advice about what baby books are worth reading, this is the path I lead them on. Enjoy!

[Diana · Rating 2 out of 5]

I agree with a lot of what is being said with Magda Gerber & Janet Lansbury, but I feel like their tone sucks the joy out of parenting. There are a lot of “don’t do X”, which rubs me wrong. Like no tickling because it makes kids fearful and parents get off on their power. Harrison seems to love gentle tickling and even tickles himself to get us going.
The restrictions in the book are very opinion-based.

[Shea · Rating 4 out of 5]

Controversial and not well written, but many ideas have saved some daily rituals like getting dressed, eating and diapering from meltdown and turned into moments of ease and connection. Easy, light reading. Must be taken with grain of salt; but Very useful.

[Erinbarbour · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was a joy to read. Some of the advice was a bit outdated, but Magda Gerber's wisdom from years of watching young children develop really shines through.

[Private Account · Rating 5 out of 5]

Says the same things as Dear Parents (but Dear Parents is better) but this one has a little more info on different ages