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Living with Your Heart Wide Open: How Mindfulness and Compassion Can Free You from Unworthiness, Inadequacy, and Shame
The way we talk to ourselves is often unkind and filled with self-judgments. These overly harsh self-criticisms can make us feel unworthy and incomplete. What if what you really need is not higher standards for yourself, but greater self-compassion? In Living with Your Heart Wide Open, you ll discover how mindfulness and self-compassion can free you from the thoughts and beliefs that create feelings of inadequacy and learn to open your heart to the loving-kindness within you and in the world around you. Based in Western psychotherapy and Buddhist psychological principles, this book guides you past painful and self-limiting beliefs about yourself and toward a new perspective of nonjudgmental awareness and acceptance of who you are, just as you are. You ll receive gentle guidance in mindfulness and compassion practices that will lead you away from unproductive, self-critical thoughts and help you live more freely and fearlessly, with your heart wide open.
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First published July 1, 2011
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Displaying 1 - 14 of 14 reviews
September 2, 2012
so love this book. It was exactly what I need to read right now. It has opened my eyes to so many things, so I can allow, witness, and acknowledge.
You can witness thoughts without being attached to them.
Respond to suffering with acceptance and kindness
What does it feel like to hold resentments, feel the lightness of casting these off
the moment you realize your lost you are no longer lost.
the self is not a thing. it is an experience. we only live in this moment.
learn to say yes to what is. Accept the experience, not resist it.
Notice when you are slipping into autopilot mode. choose to live more deliberately.
"let the beauty we love be what we do" - rumi
Consider, acknowledge and be with all aspects of your experience.
You can witness thoughts without being attached to them.
Respond to suffering with acceptance and kindness
What does it feel like to hold resentments, feel the lightness of casting these off
the moment you realize your lost you are no longer lost.
the self is not a thing. it is an experience. we only live in this moment.
learn to say yes to what is. Accept the experience, not resist it.
Notice when you are slipping into autopilot mode. choose to live more deliberately.
"let the beauty we love be what we do" - rumi
Consider, acknowledge and be with all aspects of your experience.
December 26, 2014
I started this book back in March and I am so glad I took my time reading it. I have been reading it with one of my best friends and we have exchanged notes and thoughts after each chapter over these many months. I LOVED it and feel very grateful that I found it one day as I perused the library. I checked it out, got a few pages in, and realized I HAD to have my own copy...so I ordered one for me and one for my friend that same day! My husband also read it and gave it 5 stars, though he wished at times it had been written more "poetically", maybe. But I think that is what I loved about it. It was prosaic, yes, but SO PRACTICAL and so applicable. I found myself underlining so many things and I would often be reading and feel like I had just been spoken to directly.
The first chapter, titled The Fiction of Me, pretty much blew my mind. I had never really thought about how we create these stories that encompass "who we are" and that they are just that--STORIES. Under the heading of "Longing for What We Didn't Get" is this powerful section:
"The awful yet liberating truth is that the time for getting these needs met was in your childhood. You cannot get now what you didn't get then. No one else can assume the role of the loving parent you didn't have then. You may be loved and even adored in mature relationships, but that can't fill the empty space of what you didn't receive so long ago. The good news, though, is that you can learn to be with the ache in your heart with understanding and self-compassion and find peace and freedom in letting go of the desire for things to be different.
Although none of us ever adequately fills the empty space in our hearts with something or someone else, the empty space itself can be something sacred in its own right. Perhaps this realization comes only after you stop thinking of the emptiness as something to be filled or hidden, and perhaps it can happen only once you come to terms with your life just as it is."
I found that so beautiful and meangingful and not only applicable to childhood losses or griefs--but any loss we have endured, anything that has left us with that empty space in our heart. And the idea of that place becoming something holy really spoke deeply to me.
Other favorite parts:
"You don't have to fall for all of your interpretations hook, line, and sinker. You don't have to believe all of your thoughts."
After a meditation-on-the-breath section:
"Focusing on the breath can also bring you a measure of calm in difficult times. Anytime you feel yourself becoming stressed, upset, or beset by difficult thoughts or emotions, pause for a few mindful breaths. This will create a little space and may allow you to choose a different way of responding to the situation."
"Be aware that emotions can impel you into actions that are conditioned and automatic, and these automatic reactions are often the greatest cause of suffering in your life and the lives of those around you.
"Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space lies our freedom and our power to choose our response. Mindfulness is the space between the stimulus and the response that allows you to make more conscious and deliberate choices when you're emotional."
I really liked these parts that I underlined in the chapter on Mindfulness Practice...
Mindfulness is an ancient practice that, in essence, involves being an objective and nonjudgmental observer of whatever arise in the present moment. It is a way of learning to relate directly to your life, rather than the preconceptions you have about life. Mindfulness is not something you have to "get" or even learn, for it's already within you. It's just a matter of accessing it by becoming present. Mindfulness is taking life one moment at a time. Here's a simple but profound truth: The moment you realize you aren't present, you're present once again. Mindfulness is always that close."
In the middle of the book, there is a beautiful and moving chapter on Self-Compassion.
As a bit of an over-achiever, so many things spoke to me. There are SO many parts of this chapter underlined, but these are my favorite lines...
"The mind that's perennially striving for a better place or condition creates suffering by leaving the present moment, which is the only place we can experience love, peace, or happiness. When you are somewhere other than now, you can miss the most precious experiences of your life. This can be akin to searching for your camera to preserve an experience that you end up missing because you're searching for the camera."
"Self-compassion entails giving yourself a break from self-judgment with kindness and caring. Understand that criticizing yourself (or others) is a source of suffering and is an entirely optional activity of the thinking mind." Who Knew??? ; )
"Sometimes we can find what's right and wholesome and worthwhile within us only after we've opened to and allowed ourselves to feel the pain we've been avoiding."
And then one of the most beautiful, profound sentences I've ever read:
"The site of a wound is eventually the place of healing, and the way a heart mends is no less wondrous than they way a skinned knee mends."
One of the later chapters is titled Becoming Real and talks about practicing acceptance (something I struggle with).
"You can learn to let everything be, both within yourself and in the world around you. You can learn to be just as you are and to stop wanting to be somehow different.
Know that radical acceptance doesn't mean you're okay with terrible things that have happened to you...it simply means you acknowledge that whatever happened has happened.
And from a more expansive point of view, you may recognize that some ot the troublesome parts of your story have been necessary for you to become who you are in your fullness. They may also be instrumental in helping others who struggle with similar life issues."
The first chapter, titled The Fiction of Me, pretty much blew my mind. I had never really thought about how we create these stories that encompass "who we are" and that they are just that--STORIES. Under the heading of "Longing for What We Didn't Get" is this powerful section:
"The awful yet liberating truth is that the time for getting these needs met was in your childhood. You cannot get now what you didn't get then. No one else can assume the role of the loving parent you didn't have then. You may be loved and even adored in mature relationships, but that can't fill the empty space of what you didn't receive so long ago. The good news, though, is that you can learn to be with the ache in your heart with understanding and self-compassion and find peace and freedom in letting go of the desire for things to be different.
Although none of us ever adequately fills the empty space in our hearts with something or someone else, the empty space itself can be something sacred in its own right. Perhaps this realization comes only after you stop thinking of the emptiness as something to be filled or hidden, and perhaps it can happen only once you come to terms with your life just as it is."
I found that so beautiful and meangingful and not only applicable to childhood losses or griefs--but any loss we have endured, anything that has left us with that empty space in our heart. And the idea of that place becoming something holy really spoke deeply to me.
Other favorite parts:
"You don't have to fall for all of your interpretations hook, line, and sinker. You don't have to believe all of your thoughts."
After a meditation-on-the-breath section:
"Focusing on the breath can also bring you a measure of calm in difficult times. Anytime you feel yourself becoming stressed, upset, or beset by difficult thoughts or emotions, pause for a few mindful breaths. This will create a little space and may allow you to choose a different way of responding to the situation."
"Be aware that emotions can impel you into actions that are conditioned and automatic, and these automatic reactions are often the greatest cause of suffering in your life and the lives of those around you.
"Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space lies our freedom and our power to choose our response. Mindfulness is the space between the stimulus and the response that allows you to make more conscious and deliberate choices when you're emotional."
I really liked these parts that I underlined in the chapter on Mindfulness Practice...
Mindfulness is an ancient practice that, in essence, involves being an objective and nonjudgmental observer of whatever arise in the present moment. It is a way of learning to relate directly to your life, rather than the preconceptions you have about life. Mindfulness is not something you have to "get" or even learn, for it's already within you. It's just a matter of accessing it by becoming present. Mindfulness is taking life one moment at a time. Here's a simple but profound truth: The moment you realize you aren't present, you're present once again. Mindfulness is always that close."
In the middle of the book, there is a beautiful and moving chapter on Self-Compassion.
As a bit of an over-achiever, so many things spoke to me. There are SO many parts of this chapter underlined, but these are my favorite lines...
"The mind that's perennially striving for a better place or condition creates suffering by leaving the present moment, which is the only place we can experience love, peace, or happiness. When you are somewhere other than now, you can miss the most precious experiences of your life. This can be akin to searching for your camera to preserve an experience that you end up missing because you're searching for the camera."
"Self-compassion entails giving yourself a break from self-judgment with kindness and caring. Understand that criticizing yourself (or others) is a source of suffering and is an entirely optional activity of the thinking mind." Who Knew??? ; )
"Sometimes we can find what's right and wholesome and worthwhile within us only after we've opened to and allowed ourselves to feel the pain we've been avoiding."
And then one of the most beautiful, profound sentences I've ever read:
"The site of a wound is eventually the place of healing, and the way a heart mends is no less wondrous than they way a skinned knee mends."
One of the later chapters is titled Becoming Real and talks about practicing acceptance (something I struggle with).
"You can learn to let everything be, both within yourself and in the world around you. You can learn to be just as you are and to stop wanting to be somehow different.
Know that radical acceptance doesn't mean you're okay with terrible things that have happened to you...it simply means you acknowledge that whatever happened has happened.
And from a more expansive point of view, you may recognize that some ot the troublesome parts of your story have been necessary for you to become who you are in your fullness. They may also be instrumental in helping others who struggle with similar life issues."
January 8, 2021
A good look / reference about mindfulness and the benefits of meditation. With the stresses of the past year, I have started using Headspace to begin a meditation practice. It has really helped. I was so anxious last fall that I (and friends and loved ones) were becoming concerned about my health. I work as a pharmacist at a hospital and the effects of doing nothing but working and coming home had taken its toll. I was really on edge - the constant pressures and concerns had left me burned out and I had a "good" job, one where I was able at least sometimes to telework and was not on the frontlines of the fight. Meditation changed my stress. I was able to step back and I'm better. It's a journey and I still have to work at it but I believe. This book is a written version with exercises and maybe even some in-depth work. Interesting look whether you are just looking to take up meditation or deepen your practice.
Quotes to remember:
Never underestimate the powers of love, and consider that even one lit candle illuminates the night and dispels the darkness.
I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality. [Martin Luther King, Jr]
Quotes to remember:
Never underestimate the powers of love, and consider that even one lit candle illuminates the night and dispels the darkness.
I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality. [Martin Luther King, Jr]
April 10, 2019
Beautiful. This book touched me deeply.
Some of my favorite quotes within it when worrying about what others might think of you:
"Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter." --Bernard Banich
"I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality." --Martin Luther King Jr.
My favorite chapter by far was chapter 7: Becoming Real.
I think everyone should read this chapter, because it holds so much depth and wisdom.
Learning about the dysfunctional personality patterns--schemas--was very eye-opening for me. At first I thought I was past those, and none of them applied to me, but when I looked closer I could see how some of them still creep into my life, and discovering the root of them was kind of shocking, because I found one of them was created from church!
I wasn't quite expecting that, but also wasn't that shocked by it when I examined it.
I loved this part right here: All schemas keep us trapped in conditioned habits of mind that ultimately interfere with deep connectedness with ourselves and others, and this makes loving intimacy impossible."
Wow! That right there--so powerful.
All I can is this book was an easy read, very accessibly, and very powerful in its truths. I'm thinking I may need to buy this one since I loaned it out from the library, and I will most likely want to pick it up again in the future.
I recommend this book to anyone and everyone, because we can all learn to love and accept ourselves more so we can live in the now and love more deeply in all of our relationships.
Some of my favorite quotes within it when worrying about what others might think of you:
"Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter." --Bernard Banich
"I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality." --Martin Luther King Jr.
My favorite chapter by far was chapter 7: Becoming Real.
I think everyone should read this chapter, because it holds so much depth and wisdom.
Learning about the dysfunctional personality patterns--schemas--was very eye-opening for me. At first I thought I was past those, and none of them applied to me, but when I looked closer I could see how some of them still creep into my life, and discovering the root of them was kind of shocking, because I found one of them was created from church!
I wasn't quite expecting that, but also wasn't that shocked by it when I examined it.
I loved this part right here: All schemas keep us trapped in conditioned habits of mind that ultimately interfere with deep connectedness with ourselves and others, and this makes loving intimacy impossible."
Wow! That right there--so powerful.
All I can is this book was an easy read, very accessibly, and very powerful in its truths. I'm thinking I may need to buy this one since I loaned it out from the library, and I will most likely want to pick it up again in the future.
I recommend this book to anyone and everyone, because we can all learn to love and accept ourselves more so we can live in the now and love more deeply in all of our relationships.
November 11, 2014
Clear presentation of liberating principles, attitudes, and techniques. I found myself highlighting passages on nearly every page.
September 19, 2015
I liked the book a lot. Life got in the way and the rental period ran out. I didn't finish it. Plan to go back later and finish.
November 14, 2017
This book works with the challenge of opening one's heart and living that way. It always a challenge because it invites the pain as well as the joy. One goes hand in hand with the other.
October 6, 2019
I can't give this book a bad review, because it wasn't a bad book at all, but it just wasn't for me, or at least not at this point in my life. I'm pretty sure I will come back to it later for tips about meditation.
I can imagine people who are complete beginners on their journey to self-betterment will appreciate this book, or people who are just new to meditation, but personally I found it to be a bit too general and vague.
I can imagine people who are complete beginners on their journey to self-betterment will appreciate this book, or people who are just new to meditation, but personally I found it to be a bit too general and vague.
August 6, 2025
such a terrible waste of time - the same concepts are repeated over and over again, the same meditations...And then there's the very important "recommendation" emphasized throughout the book to turn all those meditations into a daily practice. Page after page of repetitive gibberish that almost drained my will to live. I really need a drink after that...now that would be a true act of self -compassion
March 27, 2023
A combination of theory and practice ideas where the authors use the skills and practice base of mindfulness meditation against an informed theoretical background of psychology. I’m not too into mindfulness meditation, so I may have missed a lot. The psychology concepts a are good. The book could have been better structured.
May 9, 2019
It was a bit repetitive in places, but I did enjoy it.
March 14, 2017
Found this book useful in learning how to be more present and mindful.
August 9, 2016
more good stuff from New Harbinger publishers...a self-help friendly version of ACT, particularly good for meditating on differences in conceptions of "self": narrative self vs. immediacy-present moment-by-moment self vs. is there a "self" at all???!??
June 6, 2014
Sweet, useful, lovely transmission of self compassion. Super useful for anyone working with clients or leading a retreat.
Displaying 1 - 14 of 14 reviews