Het gaslighteffect: Verborgen narcisme

by Robin Stern

Het gaslighteffect, verborgen narcisme van Robin Stern is een belangrijk boek. Het behandelt het fenomeen gaslighting: een vorm van narcistische, mentale mishandeling, waarbij de misbruiker bewust onjuiste informatie doorgeeft met als doel het slachtoffer aan zichzelf en het gezond verstand te laten twijfelen. Dat gaat van subtiel ('Nee, je hebt niet tegen mij gezegd dat we een afspraak hadden met vrienden'/ 'Je hebt je sleutels daar niet neergelegd') tot ernstig ('Wat ben je toch ongelofelijk dom' / 'Nee, je hebt geen medicijnen nodig'). De termen mindfucking en brainwashing zijn ook op dit fenomeen van toepassing. Slachtoffers van gaslighting hebben zelf niet door dat ze langzaam gek gemaakt worden, en gaan ernstig aan zichzelf twijfelen. Ook hulpverleners en artsen kunnen bijvoorbeeld slachtoffer zijn van gaslighting, omdat de narcist die dit toepast zo goed is in liegen en bedriegen dat niemand doorheeft wat er werkelijk gebeurt. Over gaslighting is op internet al veel te vinden, maar hier wordt vooral het fenomeen beschreven. Robin Stern geeft in dit boek ook concrete oplossingen over hoe je los kunt komen van een narcist die gaslighting toepast. Een waardevol boek voor iedereen die met narcisme / gaslighting te maken heeft.

Genres: Psychology, Self Help, Nonfiction, Relationships, Mental Health, Abuse, Personal Development

339 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 1, 2007

About the author

Robin Stern is the Co-founder and Associate Director for the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence and an Associate Research Scientist at the Child Study Center at Yale.

Reviews

[Deborahanndilley · Rating 1 out of 5]

I have so many issues with this book... That I was really hoping to like. First of all, the author is completely downplaying and the majority of the time mis-using the term "gas lighting". If you replaced the term with abuser, abusive, or unhealthy relationship this book would be more appropriate. The author should also rewatch the movie "gaslight" as she failed to see the active sociopathic and premeditative behaviors in it. Second, there are a lot on inconsistencies in regards to victim-blaming. While the author states that the "gaslightee" is not responsible for what happens to them, she spends a lot of time asking the reader to identify their own actions that may be making the other person gaslight them....hello? How is that not victim-blaming? Additionally the conversational tips and ideas given are aimed at trying to change the other person... Also problematic. Third, I came to this book as a former victim of gas lighting.... Actual gas lighting by a sociopath who was very aware of what he was doing. I also came to this book as a person who works with victims of violence. Abusive behaviors and legit gas lighting is a behavior of escalation, which ultimately can lead to some various dangerous situations. There was NO discussion about victim safety or safety-planning. If any of the individuals I have worked with reacted or spoke to their abuser as suggested by the author that individual would be in the hospital or dead.
I can see where this book might appeal to some people.... But the terminology use is going to backfire on them. This is not a book for someone who is trying to recover from an abusive relationship, this is a book about communicating in a relationship.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Gaslight is a 1940's film starring Ingrid Bergman. In it, she plays a woman whose husband seeks to gain control of her finances by convincing her, and everyone else, that she has gone mad. He moves things and insists that she moved them. He makes constant reference to her psychological frailty. He dims the lights and acts as though he doesn't see it. He's older, handsome, charming. She idealizes and is anxious to please him. Slowly, subtly, systematically he undermines her faith in her own perceptions. And an interesting thing happens: she begins to act crazy. It isn't until someone else sees the dimming of the lights that she regains her footing in reality.

Prior to reading this book, I'd only heard the term "gaslighting" in reference to activism: the majority speaking on behalf of a minority, dismissing firsthand experience in favor of a more privileged vantage point. In a personal relationship, it can be even more insidious. What we see in political discourse is mere shadow of what's instilled in our homes.

I've spent years of my life revising arguments inside my head. I go back to the same moment, again and again. Thinking, maybe if I'd just been kinder…or more assertive?…If I'd expressed myself better or listened better…
If I'd said something beautiful…or clever...or brilliantly insightful...

I try so hard.
Trying that hard can only result in humiliation.

Sometimes when you can't find an answer, it's because you're asking the wrong questions: "What have I done wrong? What does he think of me? How to explain myself so that he understands?" Never asking, "Do I like how this makes me feel? Is his behavior acceptable to me?"

Even as I insist upon—and rehearse, and rephrase, and rephrase—my own point of view, it's yours that sits like an immovable stone in the pit of my stomach. Your perspective is where I begin, always. Your perspective is a given. I must fight for mine.

And honestly...
I enjoy the puzzle. I enjoy the quest through the fairytale labyrinth.
But if it's your kingdom, then it's on your terms. I can't win unless you let me.
And why would you do that?

Highly, highly recommended.

Also recommended: The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships

[N · Rating 1 out of 5]

Hmmmmm. I can certainly see the need for a book about recognising emotional manipulation in one's life. But the author tries to group together all sorts of emotional abuse and calls it all 'gaslighting' (stretching the definition to the point of meaninglessness). Feels a bit like a gimmick, to be honest. (I guess 'The Emotional Abuse Effect' isn't so catchy a title, huh?)

I can't even say the author's advice on overcoming emotional abuse is all that helpful, either. It mostly comes down to "be more self-confident". Well, geez, pass me the magic wand...

[Lauren LoGiudice · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book answered so many questions for me: why do these power struggles come up in different relationships? This book will give you the how and why, and also show you how you can opt out of it. You are part of the problem AND the solution. The book was easily laid out and was a compelling read. I was able to use the techniques very soon after completing the book - it has improved my relationships and made it clear what relationships were not worth keeping.

I highly recommend this book for anyone trying to untangle themselves from toxic relationships.

[Cheryl · Rating 5 out of 5]

Not sure the blurb or cover serve adequate justice for this read, but the book grabbed my attention at this promo: "Are You Being Gaslighted? Learn to recognize this tricky form of emotional abuse and take back your life." I'm lucky to not live in the daily midst of this, but it's still relevant for myself & others I'm closest to. It's AFFIRMING, EMPOWERING & LIFE-ALTERING. The insights I've gained will bring PEACE. Wish I'd found this many years ago, though I wonder if I'd of had the life wisdom to discern it was speaking to me. (The author's intro suggests it's re-release is based on our current leader of the free world, but the text never goes there beyond the intro.)

[kylajaclyn · Rating 2 out of 5]

Ironically, I think Dr. Stern is gaslighting her readers with this book!! Here’s the main problem I have... are women in gaslighting relationships needy, obsessive, and emotional? Is the Pope Catholic? Stern is adamant that our need for his approval (our gaslighter’s, not the Pope’s) is what is keeping us in what she refers to as the Gaslight Tango. Here’s the truth: WE WOULD NOT BE THAT NEEDY AND DESPERATE PERSON IF WE WERE NOT BEING GASLIGHTED IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!

Listen, everyone should absolutely be self-aware throughout their lives and not just in relationships. We do play a role in things, of course. We are not passive players in the Universe even when some of us believe ourselves to be. But Stern avoids calling gaslighting relationships ABUSIVE throughout the whole book. Instead they are treated as a problem to be solved. As if you can reason with the Devil. Would we tell a battered woman that she needs to consider her behavior that is triggering her husband to hit her? The thought is repulsive. And yet that is what Stern wants. She wants us to see how we perpetuate the gaslighting relationship.

What you really need to know is that gaslighting relationships are abusive, period, and you need to get out before your spirit is broken for good. Stern also avoids mention of personality disorders and/or true sociopathy that goes with gaslighting. I know this because I have been gaslighted many times. And in the most recent occasion he was also a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. There was nothing I could say or do to get him to see reason. Personality disorders are notoriously hard to treat. Usually because the person who has one will never admit they have one by virtue of the illness. And that is the craziest thing of all about this book to me: that Stern believes a gaslighter would ever be able to admit that they are one.

This book was good for identifying what kind of gaslighter you might be involved with. But beyond that it sends the dangerous message that these are normal relationships to be worked through and not the emotionally abusive and damaging relationships that they truly are.

[Katya Kean · Rating 4 out of 5]

I've read a hundred pages today. This book is fantastic. I was a little worried that it would be another "you're a victim, poor you, you should run away" books, but I'm finding that it's really balanced and proactive. It seems really honest about how it takes TWO to tango. It honors both sides, while having really reasonable and creative solutions. Also, it's totally readable, almost story-like. It's compassionate and comforting without being indulging or patronizing. I've learned a lot about why certain situations and interactions leave me feeling baffled and uncertain.
I totally found myself identifying various profiles in former bosses, friendships, etc.
"Nice, empathetic" people need to read this. And people who always need to be right or recognized. Great book so far.

[Dan · Rating 2 out of 5]

I have to say I had a hard time finishing this book. Not well written, repetitive, narrative style and neutrality just good enough for Oprah's Winfrey shows but not what I've expected from a Ph.D. licensed psychoanalyst. To me it seems more of an unleash of personal gender frustration than an objective approach of gaslighting practice. The author thinking appears to be "my needs are the only that matters and if not fulfilled it must be because my partner is gaslighting me" .
In ex when talking about flirting, the idea seems to be: "If I said it isn't flirting, then it isn't, so you are gaslighting me!"
Perception of flirting is different for everyone and also different depending on circumstance. Myself, while I am quite flexible with limits when my relation is ok, I tend to become much more observant when things are shaky.
I believe the key is dialog and establishing what is reasonable and what not for both sides before just deciding that you've been gaslighted.
I've felt that the situations presented were non real, forced and artificially created and while the same type of argument that was held valid for one side was not valid for the other.
Gaslighting is one of the most extreme forms of emotional and psychological abuse and it is mostly intentional, so one that doesn't feel comfortable visiting the in-laws every week shouldn't be labeled as a gaslighter and abuser with such rush as the author does. Nor the "gaslightee" as a victim.
If every disagreement in a relation translates to gaslighting, it means we are all psychopaths.
Take it with a grain of salt before jumping to conclusions, and use your own judgments and common sense before labeling someone you love, otherwise you'll ending up with a bigger problem then you may have!

[Rose · Rating 4 out of 5]

Quick review for a quick read. So I would probably give this book closer to 3.5 stars. Wonderful audiobook narration and a decent reading experience. I remember reading this book a while ago in its original edition, but recent events (and admittedly a very personal situation that I've been through for the past year and a half) prompted me to pick up the latest edition. Dr. Robin Stern does a great job discussing the aspects of gaslighting, the three stages one goes through when in any kind of relationship with a gaslighter, the three types of gaslighters, and how to approach situations to either manage, reduce, or even get away from the influence of gaslighting. There's a part of me that's conflicted about the language of the book in the sense that parts of it place responsibility mostly on the person that's the victim of this behavior. On one hand, it is empowering for the person to take charge and find means to diffuse situations with their gaslighter, whether it would be a significant other, family member, boss, friend, or other relationship as provided in the examples in the book.
However, I think also this book straddles points of placing blame on the victim of gaslighting by the measure of the "gaslight tango." I have issues with narratives that say that victims of this behavior are somehow equally responsible for being in these types of situations. While the narrative does delve into mental traps and influences of a gaslighter, it really only does so much to place responsibility of the gaslighter's behavior and doesn't do much to affirm that this isn't the fault of the person being subjected to it. I had this same problem with Beverly Engel's "Nice Girl Syndrome" narrative. It's still full of very useful information about the topic, and admittedly the author was the first to coin the term and the nature of this behavior. I will likely come back to this as a reference on the topic, but would warn some of its language and attributions could have been improved.

Overall score: 3.5/5 stars.

[Tim Ponygroom]

This is a detailed look at a con game played far too often by people with a passion for controlling others.

Gaslighting happens on the job, sure, but the most devastating effects come in our most intimate relationships.

I knew about this pattern before this book was written. I hadn't seen the movie. I saw this unfold in the life of a friend who was temporarily taken in.

I saw the movie, Gaslight, after reading about it in the book. I was amazed it was available for free!

Dr. Stern has done the world a service with this insightful, warm and helpful book.

[Kim · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book explains every rotten relationship, friendship, professional connection, and acquaintanceship that you've probably ever had. I spent years reading self-help books about toxic people, narcissists, commitmentphobes, avoidant attachers, passive aggressives, and bullies, and somehow this book describes them all -- not all of these personality types/disorders, but the unhealthy relationship dynamics that lead to emotional abuse. The author gives concrete steps you can take to diffuse or improve the situation, and if you get discouraged by how much work you're putting in, she provides thought exercises you can do to help you make specific decisions. Highly recommended!

[Othman alsaeed · Rating 1 out of 5]

" في هذا الكتاب، أقدم علاجاً لازلت أعتبره موثوقاً؛ وهو ما أسميه ((انظر إلى مضيفات الطيران في رحلتك)). فمثلما يشير سلوك المضيفات على متن الطائرة، إلى ما إذا كان هذا الترنح عبارة عن اضطراب طفيف أو بداية لكارثة كبرى، كذلك تساعد المضيفات في حياتك على معرفة ما إذا كان هذا الصديق الجديد يفعل مايفعله فقط لأنه يمو بيوم مزاجه فيه سيء أم أنه نمط مستمر من الاساءات.

[ في الحقيقة لن يدمر الصراخ عالمك. ولن ينهي النقد حياتك. ولن تؤدي الإهانات -مهما كانت مؤلمة- في الواقع إلى انهيار منزلك. أعلم أن الدمار العاطفي يبدو كما لو كان سيدمرك حرفياً؛ لكنه لن يفعل ذلك.] ".

كتاب عادي جداً لم أرى فيه جديد سوى هذه الفكرتين ويتحدث بشكل مسهب ومتكرر كيف تتعامل المرأة مع تلاعب الرجل ويختص أكثر بالثقافة الغربية.

[Molly · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think that almost everyone could benefit from reading this book. My only major complaints are that it's a bit repetitive, and the gender-studies bit of my brain doesn't like that Stern chose to use "he" for those guilty of gaslighting and "she" for people who have been gaslighted. Granted, that might be the way she's often seen the situation, but I can see it being a deterrent for men who might be interested in the subject.

[Irina Ioana · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some examples are exaggerated but there's still something to be learned.

My favorite light bulb moment was identifying the toxic behavior - finally - of a past Google manager who cloned my work in parallel with my normal work efforts and pretended everything was fine. He used to come with printed speeches he used to refuse to stray from in 1-1s. He used to ask me to trust him and then he broke this trust. If I said I didn't trust him, he'd tear up. Praise in private, praise in selected public and yet give low grades for "personal reasons" which HR accepted. He absolutely fucked with, and warped my work reality. He was a textbook gaslighter with the worst intentions.

When I set boundaries with my therapist - I wanted to tell him I don't like him complaining to me, his report, about his relationship with his pregnant (!) girlfriend, which he called selfish, in our 121s - he went into anger mode for days on end.

Toxic human being with low EQ... This was not a person with whom one can reconstruct the relationship, and not one to fight with but flee from.

The book also has a schema about which behavior and relationships are salvageable, and which are not.

[Sarah Roggeman · Rating 4 out of 5]

De schrijfwijze komt wat verouderd over, maar inhoudelijk zijn er zeer veel lessen te leren.

[Cris Rodríguez · Rating 4 out of 5]

Este libro llega un año tarde a mi vida pero también se ha adelantado todos los que me quedan por delante. Pese a no comulgar ni compartir la escuela psicológica de la que parte la autora, el análisis de conducta te permite traducirlo al idioma de los procesos psicológicos básicos y entender cómo se da la dinámica del efecto luz de gas: una interacción en la que una persona necesita imponer una idea -la suya; tener la razón- e induce a la otra parte a dudar de sus propias percepciones porque no encajan con esa idea, mientras que esta misma busca (a veces, desesperadamente) que el primero -el maltratador- la apruebe. Según en qué punto del proceso se encuentre se puede dar porque la que experimenta la luz de gas ya ha renunciado a ser ella quien establece qué es válido y qué no lo es y todo lo legítimo es aquello que pasa por las gafas del perpetrador.

Lejos de culpabilizar a la persona que "se queda ahí" me ha gustado que se haga referencia a que el tango de luz de gas (esa discusión infinita por convencer a la otra persona, la que está haciendo luz de gas, de que no está diciendo la verdad) es una cosa de la que dependen dos personas porque al ser esta cuestión así la otra persona puede hacer algo para romper con esa dinámica (como con cualquier otro fenómeno psicológico, ¡imaginaos que no se pudiera hacer nada para solucionarlo! aunque no lo parezca, esto es un alivio). La solución, para sorpresa de nadie que nos dediquemos al comportamiento humano, pasa por la asertividad y el marcar los límites, que lejos de ser una tarea fácil genera mucho malestar para las personas que han de ponerlo en marcha para poder salir de donde están. Aquí es importante recordar que los límites no se los ponemos a los demás, que nos los ponemos nosotros ante actividades de los demás que nos parezcan intolerables (y que lo difícil es ser coherentes con eso). También me ha gustado porque pone muchos ejemplos de maltrato cotidiano y creo que ayuda eso a desmitificar un poco la figura del maltratador, que normalmente nos imaginamos como un señor ciertamente asemejado a un monstruo cuando, en realidad, puede ser tu jefe, tu amigo, tu mejor amiga o tú misma en algunas situaciones.

Me parece que es un libro que sirve para legitimar muchas experiencias que generalmente experimentan las mujeres en relaciones con hombres -por muy deconstruidos, camaradas, comunistas, incluso, que sean (o que digan ser)-. Tendría cuidado con algunas partes de cierta perspectiva psicoanalítica cuando habla del pasado y del reñido amor de la familia en la infancia porque eso lo único que hace es añadir narratividad a la cuestión, cuando lo que nos interesa es lo que está pasando en ese momento y por qué una persona decide quedarse en esas dinámicas. Algunos ejercicios que se plantean son interesantes porque, sobre todo, invitan a preguntarse a una misma qué es lo que quiere, que ya sabemos que para una parte importante de la población esa pregunta queda subordinada a los intereses de los otros.

Mil gracias Carol por la recomendación <3

[Utsav Sinha · Rating 4 out of 5]

My review is a summary of the book, based on the notes and quotes I found useful.

As a self-help book, I felt good about knowing more on this topic which I could relate to in the present and my past, including different forms of emotional manipulation. I want to make the most out of this and use it as a reference about the what, how, why and the related action plan when I find myself in an emotionally turbulent situation.

Though this book is not a fiction, most of my review would feel like a spoiler: I have tagged most of the review as such.

Some critical reviews are about how the book is all over the place, talking about emotionally distant and abusive relationships and labelling it as gaslighting. I agree to those sentiments. However, reading books about EQ is not my favourite pass time, so I didn't mind that. I know about attachment styles, MBTI personality types and have done quite some soul searching/self reflection for years before reading this book. That context helped in seeing patterns which I could relate to with what this book has to say.

Another reviewer has put it wonderfully:

I spent years reading self-help books about toxic people, narcissists, commitmentphobes, avoidant attachers, passive aggressives, and bullies, and somehow this book describes them all -- not all of these personality types/disorders, but the unhealthy relationship dynamics that lead to emotional abuse.

Some other critical reviews were about how this book is victim blaming, asks us to take so much responsibility for our own behaviour and tells us things to do that sound easy on paper but difficult to do. Perhaps that's how they felt reading it, that was not my experience. I liked how the book talks about the gaslighting tango.

It takes both of us to create that dynamic. We have to the ability to get out, whether we have the will or are forced by our circumstances makes it more nuanced which the book also talks about. A self help book which describes our situation, tells us the other side is the aggressor/bad, there is nothing we should change about ourself, there is no action we can or need to take ... is not a self help in my view.
That's a feel good confirmation bias to stoke our ego. Sometimes, I need that too, but that's not how I intended to approach this book, it didn't disappoint.


Summary:

Part 1: Mechanics of gaslighting
I - What is gaslighting?
II - Stages of gaslighting - disbelief, defence, depression
III - 3 types of gaslighters - glamour, good guy, intimidator
IV - Emotional apocalypse and gaslighter's secret weapons
V - How can gaslightee know that they are being gaslighted?

Part 2: Your role in being gaslighted
I - Why do gaslightees do it?
Fear of emotional apocalypse, urge to merge, personality traits
II - How do gaslightees do it?
Empathy trap, explanation trap
III - Why do they stay in gaslighting relationship?
Fear of abandonment, power of fantasy

Part 3: Actions to prevent gaslighting
I - How to avoid the gaslighting tango?
II - Turning off the gas when already being gaslit
III - 6 ways to mobilize yourself to turn off the gas
IV -To let go or not

Part 1: Mechanics of gaslighting
I - What is gaslighting?
The gaslight effect results from a relationship between 2 people.
Gaslighter: who needs to be right in order to preserve his own sense of self and his sense of power in the world
Gaslightee: who allows the gaslighter to define his sense of reality because he idealizes the gaslighter and seeks his approval

* It happens in 3 stages - disbelief, defence, depression.
* It can happen in any relationship: partner, family, relatives, friends, colleagues, neighbours ... anyone.
* Some people are stuck in stage 1, they break off with people when it gets hurtful. but then find another person and enter a similar cycle with them.

II - Stages of gaslighting
Stage 1 - disbelief
Say something outrageous, causing confusion, anxiety, frustration. You would like approval, but are not desperate. You are pretty certain of your pov. Pg 54-56, checklists for how it feels to be in stage 1 when you are involved with a partner, friend, boss, family.

This was a reality check. I went on to exercise the checklist with select few folks in my life with whom I am having a bittersweet not-so-easy time with. I found that several items were met.

Stage 2 - defence
Need to defend yourself. Obsessing over how to come up with arguments to convince, desperate for approval. You are no longer sure about getting gaslighter's approval, but haven't given hope.

Stage 3 - depression
You are actively trying to prove your gaslighter right, that's the way to maybe get his approval. So tired, cannot argue. Gaslighter makes all the rules and they can change at a moment's notice. Feeling defeated, hopeless and joyless may now come to seem so normal that you can't quite remember your life ever was any other way. Even if you have some distant notion that things have changed, you may want to resist memories of another better time, which makes you feel worse about how things are now.

An example which hit me:
She persisted, insisting on a clear yes or no. To her boss, they simply seemed rude behaviour of a pushy person.

III - 3 types of gaslighters
Glamour gaslighter
* Ghosting. then sudden gifts, expressions.
*Distorting truth, not discussing old issues.
* Bad behaviour followed by good behaviour. The more bad the former, the more welcome the latter feels. Alternates between the most remarkable responsiveness - mental, emotional, sexual and the most blatant insensitivity.
* Accuses you of being controlling, paranoid, conventional, unspontaneous.
* He looks like he is relating to you but he is only relating to himself and his self image of being right. He is not responding to you or your concerns - just putting up an attractive smokescreen.

Good guy gaslighter
* You can't say what exactly is wrong but you feeling drained and depressed by encounters with the person.
* Appear reasonable and good but nonetheless deeply committed to getting their own way.
* Disrespectful/defiant compliance. Facade of acquiescence but real agenda is disregard.
* Looks like being cooperative, pleasant and helpful but you end up being frustrated and confused.
* His emotional apocalypse is the pout, looking unhappy or angry without stating the problem, or rage about a little thing.
* Getting his own way while trying to convince the gaslightee that they are getting their way.
* Withholding parts of himself while trying to convince the gaslightee that he is giving his all and encouraging the gaslightee that they are crazy to want more.

Intimidator gaslighter
* Puts you down, find ways to treat you with contempt, either in group or in private. Some intimidators may save their worst for group treatment.
* Yelling, belittling, guilt tripping, silent treatment, threatening to leave, playing on your worst fears, making dire predictions.
* Frequently or periodically explode into anger.
* Gaslightee feeling fearful in his presence, at the thought of him.
* Mocks you, either openly or under the guise of just kidding.
* Frequently or periodically threaten to leave if you displease him, or suggest or imply that he may leave.

I was surprised and saddened to see it kind of fits with someone I have known for a long time.

IV - Emotional apocalypse and gaslighter's secret weapons
Pg 38, apocalypse now checklist, listing pertinent ones
1) Remind you of your worst fears - You are fat/sensitive/difficult
2) Threaten you with total abandonment - no one will love you, put up with you etc.
3) Invoke other troubled relationships - this is why XYZ doesn't like you, no wonder you can't get along well with ABC.
4) Use your ideals against you - I thought friends were supposed to be supportive.
5) Make you doubt your own perceptions, memory or sense of reality.

V - How can gaslightee know that they are being gaslighted?

Dynamics with the gaslighter
* You buy things, do things thinking about what he likes instead of what makes you feel great
* You think twice before bringing up certain seemingly innocent topics of conversation
* Before meeting him, you run through a checklist in your head to anticipate if you might have done something wrong
* sense of dread or hyper alertness when he calls or comes home

How it impacts your abilities
* Constantly second guessing yourself, frequently feeling confused and wonder if you are good enough
* You ask yourself - Am I being too sensitive? a dozen times a day
* You are always apologizing

How it impacts your body
* Bad or restless dreams
* Physical discomfort - sinking stomach, tight chest, intestinal difficulties, sore throat, troubling inability to remember details of what happened with your gaslighter

How it impacts your spirit
* Feeling you are tolerating treatment that compromises your integrity
* You can't understand why with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren't happier
* You have sense that you used to be a very different person - more confident, more fun loving, more relaxed
* You feel hopeless and joyless

How it impacts your other relationships
* Extra effort to convince yourself or your friends of how good your relationship is
* Avoidance of your friends or refusal to talk with them about your relationship
* You find yourself furious with people you have always gotten along with before
* Trusted friends or relatives express concern

Part 2: Your role in being gaslighted
I - Why do gaslightees do it?
1) fear of the emotional apocalypse
People who become gaslightees are often terrified of being misunderstood. Despite the confidence and forcefulness they frequently display, they are in reality extremely vulnerable to the opinions of their loved ones or associates. In intimate relationships, especially, they tend to give away a lot of power to the one they love, investing their partner with an almost magical ability to see them and understand them truly. In this setup, being misunderstood can feel like a death blow.

2) urge to merge, desire to have a conflict free agreement.

3) Personality characteristics that make you prone to gaslighting
Bold ones apply to me.
* high empathy - huge capacity to feel for others and shift too quickly to their point of view
* very responsive to people who seem hurt, frustrated or needy
* strong need to be right and to be seen as right
* if you have a big stake in being liked, appreciated or understood
* it is very important to you to be able to fix things and make everything come out well
* if you want to keep the relationship going - you have a hard time letting go of people
* hard time acknowledging that someone is treating you badly
* if you feel very uncomfortable with disagreement or conflict
* if you worry frequently about not being good enough, capable enough or lovable enough
* if you want to win your gaslighter's approval, especially if you have idealized or romanticized him, or because you are very invested in preserving the relationship

II - How do gaslightees do it?
Empathy trap
* Ability to offer empathy, and own need to get it can trap you in gaslighting.
* Empathizing can make you feel sensitive and loving, though desperately wanting to receive it and regarding it as a seal of approval of your goodness can lead you into the trap.

Explanation trap
Explain away behaviour that disturbs us instead of seeing it as the warning signs.
3 main ways:
1) it's not him, it's me
2) he feels so bad
3) no matter how he behaves, I should rise above it

* When we are involved with people who don't treat us well, our relationships pre-occupy us a great deal. There's always a lot to think about, talk about, analyze.
* With a nice, more reliable person, the relationship doesn't offer as much food for thought. We enjoy it, sure, but it doesn't take up nearly so much of our time or focus.
* When our romantic partner takes care of himself - coming forward with attention and affection; managing his own feelings; expressing his dissatisfaction in polite, appropriate ways - there simply isn't as much for us to do.

Why do we feel so excited about analyzing our gaslighters?
1) dealing with an unpredictable person makes us feel more alive.
2) trying to understand our gaslighter makes us feel more in control. Focusing on the explanation trap gives us the illusion of having more control. It suggests that if we could understand our gaslighter, we could take steps to change his behaviour.

III - Why do they stay in gaslighting relationship?
* Material concerns - financial stability
* Fear of abandonment and being alone
* Fear of humiliation of being stuck in such a web of mistakes
* Power of fantasy and how it relates to childhood

Power of fantasy: A child who instead of realizing that his parents can't take care of him or love me the way he would like because of their own limits - he begins to blame himself, just like he would later do with his gaslighter.

Later in life, he is compelled by 3 fantasies:
1) Just like his parents were the sole source of nurturing, the gaslighter will be that sole source. He alone will give us the reliable love, he is our sole mate, perfect mentor, best friend. Proof of his love is the attention we seek.
2) If he isn't the provider we need, we believe we can change him. By sheer force of our tolerance, love and example, we will transform him into the parents we deserved and wanted
3) No matter how badly he behaves, it doesn't matter, because we are strong enough/forgiving enough/nurturing enough to transcend it. If we are not larger than life in our capacity to change him, we will put up with him.

So instead of our gaslighter's bad behaviour making us like him less, it makes us love him more, because it offers another chance to prove how strong we are. We will transform this into a good relationship by sheer force of will. And if that means putting up with someone who insults us, ignores us, seems more preoccupied with his own needs than with ours - so be it. At least now, we are getting something good in return for all our misery - this wonderful soul mate, fabulous mentor, terrific best friend. We cling to the fantasy of the relationship because it seems like the chance to avoid our deepest fear; that no one will ever love the way we want to be loved; we will be disappointed and alone.

Part 3: Actions to prevent gaslighting

I - How to avoid the gaslighting tango?
* With people close to you like family, refuse to engage.
* Give up your investment in being seen as right.
* Let go of your commitment to being understood. Wanting to be understood lets you wide open to gaslighting.
* Don't ask yourself who is right? ask yourself, do you like getting treated that way? There is nothing like being too sensitive.
* Finding the right time to raise the issue and raise the issue in a non blaming way.
* Boundaries and stick to it: say what you will and won't do.

II - Turning off the gas when already being gaslit
* Understand you already are a good, capable and lovable person who doesn't need an idealized partner to provide approval.
* Your sense of self doesn't depend on your gaslighter.
* Refuse to give in to gaslighter's relentless criticism, demands for perfection and manipulative behaviour.
* Willingness to leave
You have to be willing to leave, you don't necessarily have to leave. Motivator for willingness to leave: imagine your life in detail, with the expressions, your happiness, things you both are doing etc in the future. 1 week from now, 1 year, 3 years ... Now think if that is ideal and what you need to sacrifice to get the life you want.
* Have your own thoughts, let gaslighter has his. Neither giving in to his view, nor committed to winning him over yours.

III - 6 ways to mobilize yourself to turn off the gas
1) Identify the problem
2) Have compassion for yourself
3) Give yourself permission to make a sacrifice
4) Get in touch with your feelings
5) Empower yourself
6) One step at a time

2) Have compassion
The goal of the process is not to berate yourself, burden yourself with guilt or apportion blame.
Your only goal is to change your situation for the better, so you need to know how you, too, are contributing to the problem and what you might do to alter it. But that's very different from deciding that you deserve what's happening or that you are somehow to blame for it.

3) Give yourself permission to make a sacrifice
By risking your gaslighting relationship, you may be losing something you'll never have again. But certainly, being involved is undermining your spirit, sapping joy from your life. You may already have made serious comprises. It is unlikely to get better if you do nothing, so act differently or be ready to let go.

4) Get in touch with your feelings
Use feeling words, not what you thought you should have done. Don't analyze the situation to describe it, actual feelings only.

5) Empower yourself
* listing your strengths
* challenging self critical or negative thoughts. eg I will never be happy.
* doing things that make you feel competent
* avoiding people who have negative opinions of you and who sap your energy
* surrounding yourself with people who see and support your strengths

IV - To let go or not
1) Can I act differently with this person? When he begins gaslighting, can I opt out of the conversation, even within my head later on?
2) Is he capable of acting differently with me? How committed is he to gaslighting? How capable is he of relating with me?
3) Am I willing to do the work to change our dynamics?
4) Realistically, if I give it my best effort, will I be happy with our relationship?

Even if you are just being neurotic as so many people worry they are - even if the relationship is theoretically fine and the problem is that you're too anxious, critical or demanding - your best bet may still be to leave the relationship that is making you feel so crazy and then address whatever was preventing you from enjoying it. Manipulating your own sense of reality - telling yourself that you should be feeling something you aren't - is never a good idea.

[Adam Lowe · Rating 1 out of 5]

Exceptionally annoying and borderline offensive that the author always refers to the gaslightee as "she" and the gaslighter as "he." Many of the examples are not gas lighting but abuse. Also the author fails to recognize the fact that we often remember events from our own perspective, with us being the protagonist in our personal narrative, which often results in miscommunication that could wrongfully appear as gaslighting to a reader of this book. For example, my girlfriend had owed me over $500 all year, she would make payments, but then borrow more each month than she had paid back. According to the author, I would be gaslighting if I told her she's spending more than she can afford.

Brief summary of the book: if a man disagrees with you or tells you what you should do, he's gaslighting...

[Heidi · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think this book is a good read for people with low self esteem who either attract bad relationships or are stuck in one. However, I think there are other books out there that get to the root of why people get stuck in this type of relationships....like "Codependent No More" or "Healing the Shame that Binds You."

[Helena · Rating 1 out of 5]

DNF 62% So much responsibility put on the victim to understand and help change their abuser. And the abusers are completely freed of responsibility. The are so many instances of presenting the “gaslighting” as something the abuser is unaware they are doing.

[Annelies · Rating 2 out of 5]

Niet uitgelezen. Een interessant onderwerp, vooral omdat het ook gaat over hoe je je kan wapenen tegen gaslighting. (Niet je gelijk willen halen, niet begrepen willen worden door de ander, niet mee in discussie gaan, trouw aan je eigen gevoelens blijven, niet iedereen moet ons altijd tof vinden, weersta de behoefte aan verbinding en ga niet mee in ruzies)

Maar na 1/2 heb ik het boek weggelegd.
Het is eigenlijk den werkboek dat vooral focust op een partner die gaslight.
Terwijl gaslighting feitelijk overal een beetje kan voorkomen, zeker als je daar vatbaar voor bent (empathisch, verbinding willen, begrepen willen worden en graag gelijk krijgen)

Wel interessant is dat er in dit boek wordt uitgegaan van verantwoordelijkheid van de 2 partijen. Gaslighter en gaslightee, en dat was wel verfrissend. Want je kan gaslighting tegengaan

[Wendy Bunnell · Rating 3 out of 5]

The subtitle gives the entire description. The description of the explosive type of gaslighter was clear, but there wasn't much of a distinction between the flatterer and good guy types.
I might not have those titles right. Audiobook review hazard.

Long story short, either try to limit your contact or DTMFA.

[Nadiatul · Rating 3 out of 5]

“Manipulating your own sense of reality—telling yourself that you should be feeling something you aren’t—is never a good idea.”
For a person to truly change, they must feel that the change is theirs, that they chose it, they control it. Otherwise, it loses all its effect.

[Guoyutong · Rating 5 out of 5]

读了中文版。受益一生。没经历过pua的永远不知道pua多可怕、

[Dominique · Rating 4 out of 5]

Have you ever had an argument with someone and the person you are arguing with about your point does so in a way that makes you feel like your point of view loses it sense of direction or makes you second guess yourself? IF you have felt this before, you have been gaslighted.
I found out about this definition from reading Marth Stout’s book about psychopath’s and the actual word stood out enough to where I had to review the definition of what it meant and have been aware of it ever since. From that point on, with the information given, I have been able to explicitly identify this behavior in conversations.

The problem from suffering from gaslighting is actually having been a victim of it and not knowing what it’s called so that the gaslightee can take steps to prevent gaslighting from taking place.
The term apparently is named after the 1944 movie Gaslight and I recommend watching it to get an ideal of what it means (within realistic boundaries).

The book has a heavier emphasis on relationships then it does on friendships and being in the workforce but I feel that the information given is helpful in any situation.

I felt that the narrative, at times, seemed to be repetitive and too verbose. But beyond that, because of the lack of information on this topic, I recommend this book as a great reference tool when interacting with others.

On a side note, I appreciated the part discussing how to deal with power struggles and separately, I never understood why, nor did I want to accept the information given to me regarding why people enter relationships with those who are considered excessively “dramatic” or abusive and not seeking more stable relationships. But the explanation in the book, focused on gaslighting, has helped me understand and accept the reason.

Book Recommendation Count: 2
Grammatical Error Count: 4
Factual Error Count: 1
Movie Recommendation Count: 1

[Sogol Derafsheh · Rating 4 out of 5]

a must read if your self-esteem ever seems to depend on another person's validation.

[Aljan · Rating 5 out of 5]

I need to buy my own copy so I can highlight and mark and underline everywhere. This is an excellent book! It helped me identify areas where I have lost control of my own life and gives practical and simple (do not read EASY, read simple) ways of taking it back.

[Clatters · Rating 5 out of 5]

A nice read to finalize the nailed coffin after 30 years of trying to please. I get it now, really.

[Ryan · Rating 2 out of 5]

What might have been good information got lost in poor writing and unnecessary politicizing.

[aufeinkaffeemitsichselbst · Rating 5 out of 5]

sehr hilfreich sehr emphlenswert für jeden