Winter Season: A Dancer's Journal

by Toni Bentley

An irresistible inside look at one of the world's great dance companies, Winter Season is also a sensitive, intimate, and almost painfully honest account of the emotional and intellectual development of a young woman dedicated to one of the most demanding of all the arts.

Bentley's association with the New York City Ballet began when she was accepted by the affiliated School of American Ballet at the age of eleven.  Seven years later, she became a member of the company. In the fall of 1980, as the winter season opened, she found herself facing an emotional crisis: her dancing was not going well.  At 22 she felt that her life had lost direction. To try to make something of her experience, on paper if not on stage, she began to keep a journal, describing her day-to-day activities and looking back on her past. The result is perhaps the closest that most of us will ever come to knowing what it feels like to be a dancer, on stage and off.  It also offers memorable glimpses of some notable members of the City ballet, with, at the center, the man whose vision they all served--George Balanchine.

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Biography, Biography Memoir, American, Own, Diary

168 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1982

About the author

Toni Bentley danced with George Balanchine's New York City Ballet for ten years. She is the author of five books, all named New York Times Notable Books, which include "Winter Season, A Dancer's Journal," "Holding On to the Air" (the autobiography of Suzanne Farrell co-authored with Farrell), "Costumes by Karinska," "Sisters of Salome," and "The Surrender, An Erotic Memoir." Her essay, "The Bad Lion" (originally published in the New York Review of Books) was selected by Christopher Hitchens for Best American Essays 2010. She writes frequently for the New York Times Book Review, the Wall Street Journal, The New Republic, Playboy, the Daily Beast, Vogue, Vanity Fair and other publications. She has been invited to give talks at Harvard, the Philadelphia Museum of Art, Rutgers, Middlebury College and the THiNK Conference 2013 in Goa, India. "The Surrender" has been adapted into a one-woman play that premiered in January 2013 in a production by the Spanish National Theater in Madrid, Spain, and it will have its English-language world premiere at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival in August 2013. She is the recipient of a 2008 Guggenheim Fellowship.

Reviews

[Katie · Rating 4 out of 5]

The attraction of journals is often the growing intimacy and affection one feels with the author. This isn't quite the case here. It's as if we're only allowed to see the author in the polished sheen of a mirror. Her insights into the daily trials and joys of being a dancer in the New York City Ballet were wonderful but as a book it lacked for me that extra dimension of intimate confidentiality. We learn little about the young woman behind the dancer. When once she speaks of a love affair she uses the third person and deflects curiosity as much as she welcomes it. You begin to wonder if one of the prerequisites for being a professional ballerina is to bleach yourself of all personal life. A factor which, to a large extent, perhaps limits the appeal of this book to dancers themselves and people involved in that world. However, it was extremely well-written, and I did enjoy reading it. And some of the issues raised, especially the relentless pressure to starve the body into a physical ideal of perfection made me realise how all young women have many of the exacting and unnatural ideals of the ballerina foisted upon them.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fascinating and moving. Bentley describes small moments so palpably and captures the awe and pain of being one small, dedicated and talented fish in a group of superlatives. I also love the 80s New York feel and the references to Teenform training bras, Tab and tuna fish (I could be making up that last one but it seems to fit in). And we get magical glimpses of Suzanne Farrell through Bentley's beauty-seeking eyes. And a nice paean to Mr. B.: "He has our admiration. He loves us all. He adores our beauty and extends it out of all conceivable proportion in his ballets. What more could a girl ask of a man than such an appreciation?"

P.S. This book is the spiritual precursor to the excellent YA novel Bunheads, which I have still yet to review, probably because I love it. Snow gets everywhere!

[Emily · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book. I've never danced, and I'm fascinated and awed by the amount of dedication and talent that it takes to be in a premier dance company. Toni Bentley does an amazing job of bringing you into her world, expressing the pain and doubts while also describing the pure joy she feels while dancing. The minutiae in this is fantastic - my favorite is her description of how the dancers virtually tear apart their toe shoes before wearing them - but she also does a wonderful job of conveying the overall atmosphere of the NYCB. There's a line between the corps and the soloists, but everyone in the hierarchy jumps to attention when Balanchine walks into the room.

I enjoyed the writing so much that I think almost anyone could like this book. If you have even a passing interest in ballet, this is a must-read.

[Liralen · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think too much, far too much, to dance. For years I've been told this by friends, lovers, teachers and messiahs. Maybe I should have listened and stopped thinking. But must thinking be the death of my career? (15)

I thoroughly enjoyed this quiet almost-diary of a season with the New York City Ballet. Bentley takes an almost mocking tone at times; as much as she adores her profession, she is well aware of the problems and contradictions in the ballet world.

A union? A democracy under a dictator? We have no power to strike, really. Who would do that to our god? (34)

He [Balanchine] walked in calmly and quietly and called us around him. We all shuffled on our bottoms to his feet.... In what corporation in a strike-threat situation would you find the secretaries and workers sitting at the feet of the boss? (90)

There's a fair amount of space granted to the question of whether or not the dancers will strike for better pay (Balanchine being of the opinion that they should dance for the love of it and not expect to earn a living wage). Bentley's approach is interesting here; she doesn't really explain the issue in full or come down on either side, but she makes it clear how both divisive and odd the situation is. They want more money and they also want to please their director, who is perfectly happy to threaten to end the company entirely and start a new one with different dancers.

And then: the oddness that is the ballet world more generally. Take these:

One girl is sprawled on the bed. Another is taking off her pointe shoes: "First I rub this aspirin ointment on my foot—I guess it's absorbed through the skin. Then I put Saran Wrap around it, then an Ace bandage, then a sock and a heating pad—all night. Otherwise I can't plié when I get up."
Our first thought on waking up is, can I plié? Imagine a mathematician who could not think in formulas when he awoke unless he had had a cigar and four ounces of green grapes the night before! (17)

We use at least twelve pairs [of $30 toe shoes] a week, very often more. That's at least $360 per girl per week, times fifty-four girls. That's $19,440 a week times fifteen weeks a season—$291,600. Very expensive footwear. (38)

Bentley so clearly loves ballet and is so clearly frustrated by it, constantly dithering over whether or not to stay with it. Is it enough to dance? Is it too much?

Well, I am not dancing tonight, but I have my self-respect. That's what it has come down to. I refused to replace a girl in what was originally my part; I became "too small" and was taken out. Then they asked me to replace her when she was ill. I refused, so I don't dance but have loads of self-respect. I can envision the day when one has nothing but self-respect. How hideous. (34)

What I loved best about Winter Season is that Bentley occupies a space outside most of the ballet memoirs I've read; by both taking herself seriously and, well, not taking herself seriously she manages to do away with much of expectation and tell the story she wants to tell. It doesn't make for an especially happy read, but an intense one, yes.

In the New York City Ballet I am one of seventy girls like me. Outside I'm one of seventy in the whole world—I need that kind of appreciation for my uniqueness. (118–119)

[Lovely Rita · Rating 2 out of 5]

An interesting, true-life look at what it was like to be a dancer in the corps of the New York City Ballet - when Balanchine was running it. It was really interesting to see what the life is like, but like Bunheads, it cemented my opinion that the life of a dancer is really really hard. You can only do it if you love it more than anything else because it seems like it can often be the only thing in your life. There's no time for anything else.

I docked this book a few stars because I know it's a product of its times but I thought it had some pretty dated and dangerous view on eating disorders. The author almost comes off as condoning anorexia, and says that's it's better than the opposite, eating too much. I don't have the book in front of me to quote it. But when I read it, I thought the author was being pretty naive since there are plenty of people who have died from eating disorders, so not something to brush off as not being a big deal. I think the pressure to stay SO thin (and yet somehow have the energy to dance all day) is the thing that bothers me the most about the ballet world.

[Gina · Rating 5 out of 5]

Oh, I wish she hadn't written some over-the-top book later about her sex life and ruined everything! This is one of the best books on the ballet world out there.

[Susan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Pretty much like Bunheads, except this is real literature. Infact the similarity is eerie - but since this was written in the 80's, and Bunheads pretty recently, it's obvious who ripped off whom.

[Jenny Mao · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was very compelling to me as I am also a 22 year old girl surviving through a winter. I have wanted many of the things that Toni Bentley writes about. Attention, perfection in movement, habits of work and habits of mind, avoiding life in favor of dance. But mostly i wanted to see someone else lose an all consuming, obsessive craft and attempt to come back with things in her hands anyways. Ultimately it wasn’t all that but it was a comforting read and a journal is a journal.

[Karla · Rating 3 out of 5]

Dancers feel unreal to me and untouchable in there perfect world. I wanted to read the ugly real side of a dancer and what makes her tick. I think this is as close of a look as I'm going to get. Toni danced for the NYCB since she was 18 and was affiliated within close proximity since she was 11. She is 22 years old during the 1980 Autumn season shared. Toni opens up on how being raised in the company she was always playing the role of dancer and had no experience in the ways of the world outside of ballet school. This journal becomes a type of therapy for self discovery. Feeling bound and controlled by her pointe shoes Toni needed to experience life away from the company and discover her passions once more.
"we don't eat food, we eat music."

"We live on faith, belief, love, inspiration, vitamins and Tab."

This seemed honest and pure for her journal and I learned the simple and complicated masks some dancers if not all hide behind.

"I used to hide behind wide smiles of glee, but now that I'm strong enough to be sad, I let it show more or perhaps I've no strength, no time for masks anymore."

The last quote was an ah ha moment for me. I know I have thought this way but couldn't put it into words so well. Some moments of clarity that reached me but I wanted more details behind the curtain. Many times the writing was scattered otherwise I would have rated higher.

[Caroline · Rating 2 out of 5]

I am always a sucker for a story about a dancer, especially when it's biographical or autobiographical. I have to be honest that this book was a little hard to get through. Bentley really does write it as a journal, but instead of "Dear Diary, today I..." it was written more as a stream of consciousness. I found it fascinating the way in which Bentley viewed herself and the ballet world--as if they are mystical creatures. Having a ballet background myself, I guess I never really considered this, but did always feel like I stood out from the crowd--especially in grade school when I wore my hair in a bun to school since I had to go straight to dance class afterwards. Bentley's view of Balanchine was also fascinating--seeing how reverent the dancers all were to him, and how much they really viewed him as a god-like figure. I'm not sure how I felt about her reflections on the 'real world' and how dancers had little to no concern about money, bills, living arrangements, and any other aspect of life outside ballet. From reading other dancer's autobiographies, I'm not sure this is as much an all-encompassing view as she sometimes made it out to be. But all in all, even though it was difficult to follow at times, and at others just didn't quite make much sense, it was still an interesting read.

[Heather · Rating 4 out of 5]

12/23/08: OK, yes, I'm disturbingly fixated on ballet books right now, but it has been so satisfying to read about those who choose a creative path in life. Combine the poetry and beauty of a life dedicated to art with easy-to-read prose and you have exactly what I need right now after finally conquering Gravity's Rainbow. Anyway, just started this one and it's FANTASTIC so far. Also, it's another quick read, so a great choice for anyone who is also obsessed with the world of dance. More to come later...
12/25/08: This is probably the best glimpse into the life of a ballet dancer and a ballet company that one could ever have, aside from experiencing it first hand. Bentley is incredibly honest and generous--it truly brought back memories and not just the positive ones. It is also an interesting meditation on the struggle to define one's identity and find ever-elusive happiness. A great read.

[Kathryn · Rating 3 out of 5]

Pretty interesting but short read. She comes across as a teeny bit mad but then all the ballet dancers do. Interesting metaphor describing ballet dancers as tools of Balanchine's art - she compares herself to one of Van Gogh's paint brushes.

[Ofelia]

As many other women I have been very fascinated and entranced by the ballet world since I was a little girl. I dreamed of dancing ballet but I never even took one class; why, I don’t know. Maybe my parents didn’t want to subject me to the harsh reality that the ballet world is. Lessons and practices for about twelve hours a day; the strain and constant break down of the body and soul. But in the end, as Bentley says, it’s worth it; because when you are a dancer, dancing is the only thing that matters: it’s the sole reason for existing.

I thought that Bentley’s writing was very good and captured the art of dancing very accurately and it aligned a lot with how I see art in the general sense. And even though, as she says: “A dancer is like any artist, his art is his communication.” paradoxically, it can be very lonely to be an artist even if the sole reason for their being is to be able to communicate in their chosen medium. Understanding isn’t always the result of that communication, one has to encounter a person whose thoughts and perspective on life are aligned with that of the artist. And without that successful communication the artist’s life can be very lonely and immense feelings of inadequacy are common.

Notwithstanding it’s often when one is solely focusing on oneself and one’s art that the beholder can appreciate the art: “Ironically, it is only when one loses all sense of others that it is possible to please them. Is that the element of beauty?” And I think it is. For beautiful art is created for oneself and not others. That is the only way art can be true, and truth is a precious kind of beauty.

In conclusion I thought that the book was very engaging and talked about many interesting aspects of being a ballerina and an artist. I will definitely reread it in the possible near future.

[Rebecca · Rating 5 out of 5]

For anyone who's ever wondered what it's really like to be a ballet dancer, now I know to just hand them this book. A slim volume, Winter Season: A Dancer's Journal by Toni Bentley is a marvel of a confessional and a ballet world time capsule all in one. In the hands of a less astute writer and thinker than Bentley, the journal style could become tiresome. But Bentley's words sing, as she describes both the exciting and the mundane over one winter season in the 1980s as a member of the New York City Ballet corps. On stage, off stage, professional and social life, pains and injuries, and the angst typical to any 22 year old. Only, she's not. She's a dancer with the most famous ballet company in the world at, arguably, the company's zenith. The book captures intimate stories and conversations with ballet greats George Balanchine, Suzanne Farrell, and others, as it details a would-be dancers' strike. It's a fascinating behind-the-scenes on one of the most beautiful and misunderstood professions. Highly recommend.

[Julie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book, but I think my 5 star rating is biased because I used to dance (though, it wasn't ballet but I knew plenty of ballet dancers, watched them from backstage etc). like the title says, Winter Season is told in the format of a journal. Bentley writes elegantly but also maintains a simplicity that makes her diary very believable.

I think this book is a much better peek inside the dancer's world in comparison to Aronofsky's nightmare-ish Black Swan. so, if you want to know about dance (at least the upper-class world of dance), read this book.

on a personal note, I grew up in the arts, period (dance, art-art, music, you name it). this book made me nostalgia SO much, I think I almost cried. the same kind of stone-cold discipline, laser focus and tedious, painful criticalness as described by Bentley,

"If one is a lousy dancer at any given moment of the night or day, there is no help or sympathy to be found in one's 'former' talent of yesterday. One must resort to human values, but dancers do not train to be 'human,' only to dance-so our self-worth relies totally on dancing and the values that apply. What else is there?"

I remember living everyday whether practicing for a recital or drawing some new still life. I think that Bentley just does a great job of describing this 'other world' that people in the performing arts tend to live in as well as the harsh reality that only certain types of physical builds are valued by the dance world. also, that once one reaches a certain age (Bentley calls herself old and worn out in the dance world at age 22), their days in the ballet are limited.

a favorite quote:

"There are girls who do not like real life. When they hear the sharp belches of its engines approaching along the straight road that leads from childhood, through adolescence, to adultery, they dart into a side turning. When they take their hands away from their eyes, they find themselves in the gallery of the ballet. There they sit for many years feeding their imagination on those fitful glimpses of a dancer;s hand or foot...What appeals to these girls is the moonlit atmosphere of love and death."

[Anna McGary · Rating 4 out of 5]

I related to so much of this, the struggles and complexities of being a young woman dancing, figuring out who you are within the arts and outside of them. The way she discusses food and eating bothered me throughout. I found it to glorify and normalize disordered eating. This is already a huge issue both in society generally and the insular world of dance.
I understand how growing up in SAB and NYCB would encourage or at least not address these issues head on, particularly in the early 80s when this was written. I don’t fault her for this, these ideas are a product of her environment, but it is certainly something to be conscious of when reading this book. One should not emulate or agree with everything she has to say.
I enjoyed her discussions of Balanchine. Effective in expressing the power and holiness he held over NYCB and particularly the women of the company. No one man should hold so many careers and fates in his hand. I don’t think it’s a stretch to say it’s cult-like.
Though I don’t endorse every single part of this book I did enjoy it. I thought it was wonderfully written and a breeze to read. So much of her writing was a confirmation and articulation of my experience as a dancer and artist. I’d be interested to hear from people less entrenched in the arts think of it.

[Brian · Rating 5 out of 5]

Winter Season is a window into the soul, and feet, of Toni Bentley, a dancer for the New York City Ballet who danced there during Ballanchine's reign. She thinks -- a lot -- about art, Ballanchine and what her life in art means. At times, it's a bit humid with introspection. At other times, such as when she's an Apologist of anorexia, is a bit misguided, but, word-for-word, it's very real and personal and the reader can't take that away from her. I very much enjoyed the book and am considering reading the "autobiography" she wrote with Suzanne Farrell. Of all the arts, dance (and opera) are the ones I know the least about. Now that I've read Winter Season, I'm motivated to learn more.

[Stephanie Innes · Rating 3 out of 5]

Pretty interesting and honest read for ballet-o-philes like me. Especially if the New York City Ballet is a company of intrigue...The internal dialogue was well done. I would have preferred more plot, more details of day-to-day life. But that might be just me. Her struggles to continue dancing while not getting ahead as fast as she'd like, and the reluctance to quit because, "unless we are at the barre or on stage we are not dancers but only people," was insightful. Unlike other readers I did not think the details about starving herself were misplaced. Those details did not comprise most of the book and in fact she does eat - I think she is just honest that in order to keep the ballet body one must eat very little.
I'll try Bunheads next for comparison's sake.

[Tally · Rating 5 out of 5]

"It is not often that a dancer, as a crafts-master, has won over two languages, steps and words."

These lines, found in the newly added introduction to Toni Bentley's journal, pretty much sum up the way I feel about this book. It's moving and wonderfully written. It's authentic; Bentley doesn't attempt to sugarcoat things, and the result is a sometimes grim, sometimes happy portrayal of life behind the scenes at the NYCB. One gets a different glimpse into what seems like a magical world of pretty girls and effortless steps, and learns that a lot of pain, uncertainties and struggles go hand in hand with the common, more romantic notion of the ballet.

[Tracey · Rating 4 out of 5]

I admit that I am fascinated by the life of a ballet dancer and even more so when it is a NYCB dancer during the reign of Balanchine. Toni Bentley published her journal from one season of her dancing career, and it was the winter season where she questioned being a dancer. She discusses the everyday life of a dancer and how alien dancers sometimes feel among non-dancers. She shares her experiences on stage, and off. I love when she talks about the everyday de rigueur habits of dancers - the one-use pointe shoes, bloody feet, fashion requirements, etc. When I read this book, I feel like I'm being allowed a peek into a rare life.

[Jessica · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is quite a brutal look at the life of a ballet dancer - not brutal in a Black Swan sort of way, but just brutally honest. Toni Bentley not only had the opportunity to dance under Balachine, she had the literary skill to write about it in an engaging, painful and beautiful way. She pulls no punches about the mental, physical and emotional sacrifices it takes to be a professional ballet dancer, or about the doubts she was plagued with as a young corps members with the New York City Ballet. I flew through this book and would recommend it anyone wanting a true insight into the world of professional dance.

[Kathy · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a heartfelt diary about what it's like to be in the corps of the NYCB. It is a neat book to read from a former dancer's POV especially to see the awe of Balachine and the characterization of Peter Martins. It has a neat quality to being both very current in Ms Bentley's daily life while being a strong connection to the past and current future of NYCB.

This is a real dancer's diary. It goes through the ups and the downs. The desire to perfect dance while still being in the awe of the magnificence of work by Mr. B when it's done correctly.

[Beverly Mozzetti · Rating 5 out of 5]

I would love to meet Toni Bentley

I was also a dancer in NYC. Wish I could have read this then. Along with so many of us who experienced the same painful, beautiful, confusing lives. I would make the same choices had I to do it over. At age 73 I still do tendues, battement jetes, port de bras and stretches........badly ..... but I love them. Great writer. Read Toni's account of her life in the greatest ballet company the world has known. Sorry it took me years to finally read it myself.

[Elizabeth · Rating 5 out of 5]

A disturbing and beautiful account of one dancer's season at the New York City Ballet. Tony Bentley is a member of the Corps de Ballet and describes how the directors call the women "girls," most of the corps de ballet never menstruates, and after performing Nutcracker all December, the ladies find particles of fake snow everywhere! This book paints a gloomier portrait of the ballet world as shown from the viewpoint of a woman who is a part of it, but not the Prima Donna.

[Mary · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was a fantastic meditation on a brutal artistry. It went a little long, and her misery got a little bit exhausting towards the end--and I definitely wasn't expecting the epilogue!--but it was an amazing glimpse into a life that is so captivating and yet so, so difficult. As a conservatory drop-out myself, I think that anybody who has made the decision to turn away from intense artistic study will find resonance with this book.

[Belle · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was surprised by how much of this was about Toni's angst over whether or not to leave the New York City Ballet. Her description of the dancer's life and sacrifices was interesting, though I found it hard to relate to a lot of the devotion the dancer's had to Balanchine, perhaps just because I knew nothing about him before reading this book. I didn't like the "fiction" parts about a dancer falling in love, but overall it was an easy read, and not a bad book.

[Kara · Rating 4 out of 5]

Based on a journal Toni Bentley kept when she was a member of the corps de ballet at the NYC Ballet when she was 22. This is not a memoir of a young girl's meteoric rise to super stardom. It is a day to day account of a young dancer who, after having worked, starved, slaved her way to a role as a successful working dancer at the NYC Ballet, realizes that this may be as far as she goes.

[Tara]

A dancer's life from the inside...what it's like to live as a performing artist, specifically in ballet. Some aspects I could easily relate to, others that were totally foreign. Nice ideas about how to deal with new pointe shoes. Short but sweet.

[Julie Dolan · Rating 4 out of 5]

My mom gave me this book when I was a teenager. I loved it and have kept it on my shelf, picking it up periodically. It has been years since I've read it but I think I could still relate the uncertainty with which direction to take in life. I loved the insiders look into the world of dance.

[Lamplight · Rating 4 out of 5]

It's a journal and so the self-concious tone can be a bit wearying--but the anecdotes about how many pairs of toe shoes they wear out a week and how much that costs and how much coffee they drink and cigarettes they smoke and yet all the yummy dessert they deprive themselves of..fascinating!