The Very Bloody History of Britain

by John Farman

Warning: This book could change your ideas about history for ever!!

Do you know why the Celts got the best girls? Or who had his portrait painted after he was dead? And have you any idea who planned the first Channel Tunnel? From the dawn of civilization to the end of the Second World War, it's all here in the factually accurate and hilariously funny Very Bloody History of Britain.

Bizarre, barmy and almost beyond belief, you've never had a history lesson like it!

Genres: History, Nonfiction, Humor, Childrens, Historical, Audiobook, British Literature

160 pages, Hardcover

First published October 18, 1990

About the author

John Farman attended Harrow Art School followed by the Royal College of Art. After completing his Masters degree he worked in the advertising industry until his departure to become a full-time writer and illustrator. He is the author of several children's books, including The Very Bloody History of Britain (without the boring bits), The Very Bloody History of London, C.R.A.P. (A Collection of Rotten Adult Principles) and Jesus: The Teenage Years. He lives in London.

Reviews

[Becky · Rating 2 out of 5]

So, the husband and I decided to listen to this while reorganizing some stuff around the house, and hanging curtains and suchlike... And unfortunately, I found the housework more interesting and it took me nearly a week to listen to the last quarter of the book - which I think tallied up to about 45 minutes to an hour. This was not a long book.

This wasn't a bad book, but the author's narrative tone (both in the writing AND the reading of this) failed to work for me. It felt like it was trying too hard to be witty and clever and funny, and instead just felt like that one time you got roped into going to see that one co-worker's stand up performance at that one open mic night and the only time anyone clapped was when their set was over. You know the time I'm talking about. It was... awkward.

I wanted to like this. I love history and I love British humo(u)r. These things should have been a slam dunk when put together. Or, what's the slam dunk equivalent in Cricket?

Ehh... Nevermind. It's not important. It wasn't one.

[Jason · Rating 2 out of 5]

Not impressed with this book, Horrible Histories do it much much better. This book is full of poor jokes, at time mildly racist, Irish = potatoes, French = frogs and the Germans just can't be trusted, those are a few of the things I learnt from this book. Also the book was far from bloody, it felt more like a recap. I did learn a few things so it gets 2 stars for that.

[Cindy (BKind2Books) · Rating 2 out of 5]

British history is sooo long. I mean, there's all those kings going back to William the Conqueror and so many of them have the same name. (Henry and Edward seem to be especially popular.). This book is a little dated (it was written in 1990) and it concludes with the end of WWII. So it is not all-encompassing. It seems like the humor is a little bit of a stretch or maybe it's just that quirky British take, but it was not as funny as I'd hoped. (Example: ...where they pillaged and burned everything they came across - a bit like Cup Final night these days. ). It is useful when you're trying to figure out where the events were in the scope of British history if you're reading another book set in Britain. Overall it had clever illustrations and was mildly funny.

[Megan · Rating 1 out of 5]

It started out okay - mildly amusing and pretty straightforward - but he started getting facts wrong (no, it was not Mary, Queen of Scots, for whom the drink Bloody Mary was named) and getting words wrong ("Never in our history did we think the suffering so justified" means that he thought the suffering of the British during WWII WAS justified; pretty sure he meant the opposite). The latter may very well have been the editor's fault. Also, the extended title of the book says "without the boring bits" but when he rolling on certain sessions of Parliament, trust me, it was pretty boring. I will say that the little "By the Way" sections throughout the book were amusing and illuminating - they included the little-known bits of history that a short book like this would usually not contain. I did enjoy those.

[DéborahL · Rating 5 out of 5]

Bought this a few years back in Bath, because I'm fascinated by both everything British, and British humour. I never expected this to be handy for my revisions for my British civilisation classes. Nor that I'd go back to it so often. It's funny, it's informative, and the doodles only make for an even more hilarious book than the summary would suggest, and that's saying something.
I'd recommend this to everybody who likes British humour, laughing, history, puns.
And to all those who hate history and learning about it.

[Sylvia · Rating 4 out of 5]

Hilarious and great fun. A guide on a roundtrip in Great Britain used this book to tell us something about GB's history. I loved the story so much that I bought this volume and its sequel. Even now, after several years it's still funny to read, because the language is so different from the English I'm used to in English and American litterature.

[Shuggy L. · Rating 4 out of 5]

A short review of British history from William the Conqueror to George VI and World War II.

Highlights how members of the royal family would pursue their own interests at the expense of their subjects. School boy humor.



...................
Storyline

1. African Origins
People (from Africa) built Stonehenge and the Avebury Circle.

Continental people/iron spears in Britain during the Iron Age (4,000 BC) .

2. Celts
Central European Celts/tin in Britain/Bronze Age (1,500 BC).
Settled - Surrey/Kent.

3.Romans
Romans - 55 BC Julius Caesar - ruler -Rex - slaves for luxuries.
Boadicea - 43 BC - Norwich - 70,000 Romans/but poisoned herself.
Christianity - 4 BC Christ. Roman Emperor/Constantine "thumbs up."
Scottish Highlands (Picts/Scots) AD 130 Hadrian's Wall.
Wales (could not build straight roads there).
Devon/Cornwall (baren/remote).
Bath, Verulamium (St Albans) AD 350.

4. Hadrian's Wall
367 Picts/Scots "broke through" Hadrian's Wall.
400 Angles/Saxons/Jutes - Celts to Wales/Cornish peninsula - roads/pheasants.
407 - Romans/Italy.
500 King Arthur/Guinevere.
520 - Saxon kingdoms - Kent, Sussex, Essex, Wessex (south), Northumbria, East Anglia and Mercia (midlands).

5.Vikings
579 Saint Augustine/Pope Gregory/Christianity again - "ecclesiastical common market."
Eighth century: Viking (Norway), north of Scotland, worked down, Danes (Denmark), went east and west.
870 Alfred the Great, King of Wessex - stopped the Danes - Rugby, Derby.
975 King Ethelred the Unready, massacred/Danes.
1016 Sweyn Forkbeard, captured England.
King Canute (Forkbeard's son) of England/collapsed.
1041 Edward the Confessor (Ethelred's son). Harold, Earl of Wessex/anti-Norman/"real ruling."

6. Feudalism
William the Conqueror (1066-1087) = Matilda of Flanders - feudalism - barons, Norman knights (sub-tenants), Saxon Surfs and villeins.

7.Brothers
Robert (in Normandy)
William II Rufus (son)
Henry 1 (brother)

8.Civil War
Matilda (daughter) = Geoffrey Plantagenet Fulk of Anjou

9.Magna Carta
Henry II (son) = Eleanor of Aquitaine (ex-wife/Louis VII) - 1153 Treaty of Westminster
Richard the Lionheart (son)
King John (brother) = Isabella of Angeloume - Magna Carta (1215) (brother)

10. Henry III
Henry III (son) = Eleanor - famous/invading Ireland, Thomas Becket
Council/Parliament.
Simon de Montfort/Battle of Evesham.

11.Scots
Edward Plantagenet (son) - popular/public, check the power of the barons/Parliament/Church/foreigners/Jews.
Welsh/Llewelyn/castles.
Scots/William Wallace - couldn't quite beat them/Robert the Bruce.
Wool tax/battles/French/Scots - Parliament/Magna Carta/"ask them first."

Edward II (son) - "took all the power back."

Edward III (son) - 100 Years War. The Black Death. Calais.

12. Peasants
Richard II (son) 1377 (Black Prince's son)
The Peasants' Revolt

13.Percys
Henry IV (cousin) - bossed about by Parliament/Percys/1.force, 2.not next in line.
Henry V (son)

14. Cradle
Henry VI (baby son)
Edward IV - Warwick/cash, "true heir to Richard II"
Edward V (son)
Richard III, 1483 - Battle of Bosworth Field.
Henry VII, 1485 m. Elizabeth of York, Edward IV's daughter.

15. Many Wives
Henry VIII

16. Edward VI
Edward VI. Duke of Northumberland
Lady Jane Grey, 1553 married Dudley, the Duke of Northumberland's son
Mary Tudor

17. Elizabeth I
Elizabeth I

18. James 1 & VI of Scotland
James I = Anne of Denmark

19. Charles
Charles I, 1625 (son)

20. Departure
Charles II (son)

21. Return
Charles II

22. Catholic
James II (son)

23. Protestant
William and Mary (daughter)

24. Protestant
Anne, 1702 (sister)

25. Germans
George I (James I's great-grandsom)

26. George
George II

27.The Old Country
1750.

28. Land Grab

29. American Revolution
George III

30.Napoleon

31.Napoleon

32. George
George IV

33. George

34. William
William IV (brother) = Princess Adelaide of Saxe-Meiningen.

35. Victoria
Victoria (niece)

36. War


37. Gladstone


38. Edward
Edward VII

39. War
George V

40. Edward
Edward VIII (abdicated)

George VI

41. World War II

42.
World War II

43.
England Digs In

Elizabeth II, 1952
Charles III, 2023
William
George - 2023.

[savage_book_review · Rating 2 out of 5]

I needed something light and quick as a palette cleanser after finishing an epic beta read, so I grabbed this from the TBR pile. I know what you're thinking - looks like a cheap knock-off off 'Horrible Histories'. But actually, this pre-dates the first HH book by about 3 years! And when you take that into account, it helps reframe your thoughts on the book. It's the blueprint, the first draft, the initial attempt at a history book made fun.

The issue is, I found it missed the mark on both the 'informative' and 'funny' stakes. It's a race through 1,000 years of British history, structured in the usual way of examining the reign of each monarch (with a glance at pre-1066). But there isn't really any depth to the exploration - the majority of monarchs/events are lucky to get more than a paragraph. There is a section every so often that sets out a brief timeline of notable inventions or developments, but ultimately there's just not enough substantive content to make it worthwhile.

Similarly, the humour is... meh. There are a lot of asides and knowing eye rolls, but for a book seemingly aimed at a younger audience it doesn't quite feel right. And there are other comments and phrases used that, while not overtly offensive, do feel quite dated. For example, there are a few references to monarchs potentially being gay which don't come across very well any more, as are certain references to women and other nationalities.

The illustrations are quite good, but again are very reminiscent of Martin Brown's drawings in the HH books. Indeed, at one point I went to check that it wasn't the same illustrator!

Ultimately, this was something of nothing, and I'd say that HH learned from and improved the format greatly. But, if this was indeed the inspiration for HH, I have to be grateful for it!

[Alice Wardle · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think this is a very enjoyable, funny, and informative read. The drawings in it made me laugh (in a good way), I learned some cool facts about history, and I got to learn some of the important events in British history.

However, there were a few downsides that would make me not recommend the book to people, unfortunately. First, it's a very pithy book. I wanted to learn lots about Celts and Georgians, which I know almost nothing of. Sadly, I still know almost nothing of these times, because the book only mentions a small amount about major events. The book is almost written as though someone has done lots of research about each era, but I only get to read their notes.
Second, the book isn't structured into eras. For example, the chapters don't read: Elizabethan, Victorian, Georgian, and whatnot, there doesn't seem to be a structure to it that makes it easy for the reader to understand.

Overall, I enjoyed this book, but there should be a version that's three times longer and has three times the amount of information.

[Deven · Rating 3 out of 5]

As a history book, it focuses on going for a laugh much more than accuracy. A bad decision considering that it’s not that funny.

It’s not all bad, though. As a fast trip through the entire history of England, I did learn a few things.

[Fiona McCusker · Rating 3 out of 5]

The first half of the book was a really good summary of the main historical events during that time. However, the second half of the book was too full of the author's own opinions on the celebrity figures and not very good jokes. (It was still interesting, but just spoilt a little bit by these.)

[Laura Gardner · Rating 4 out of 5]

did a very fine job of doing a quick, brief overview of the history of Britain for dummies. very good as i am moving there in two days and know sod all (not that one needs to know much about history i suppose, but it can never hurt.)

[Wilhelm van der Merwe · Rating 3 out of 5]

Entertaining with some really good facts and learning.

[RJC · Rating 3 out of 5]

Reread. Light, comical, educational in a light hearted way.

[Gina Lawrence · Rating 3 out of 5]

Very funny and an enjoyable read.

[Julie Carithers Overstreet · Rating 4 out of 5]

Interesting read.

[Rae Ann Huggins-Ledbetter · Rating 1 out of 5]

I started reading this book to verify it was ok for my 9yr old to read. It is not. I just couldn’t get into it. Not my thing.

[Esther · Rating 4 out of 5]

Entertaining, quick history, cleared some things up for me as it was written very simply.

[Bryan Whitehead · Rating 3 out of 5]

I expect you’ll like this book immensely if you are 1. English and 2. a teenager. For the rest of us, the Anglocentric slang tends to make the work a little hard to follow in points. I applaud author John Farman for taking a somewhat irreverent look at an often all-too-dry topic. However, I could have done without the xenophobia (“Japs,” “Krauts” and “Frogs” are just some of the racist epithets that unabashedly color Farman’s prose). Further, though for the most part the work omits “the boring bits” as promised on the cover, the text seems to focus on the petty scandals of the monarchy, frequently bypassing some of the more sinister aspects of English history. One quick example: the author predictably recounts Edward VIII’s silly problem with Wallas Simpson, but he omits any mention of the selfsame monarch’s unsavory Nazi sympathies. Overall this is nowhere near the worst history book I’ve ever read, but it isn’t exactly the best, either.

[Stefan Zak · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very simplified look at England's history. Some of the jokes were funny, however many were overused and not even slightly funny in the first place. Also I noticed a few incorrect facts, such as Margaret Tudor's husband, James IV, being James the III's son NOT Jame's II.
Definitely recommend this for someone who's short on time and is interested in England's history.

[Susan Pearson · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is the book that changed my opinion about History, like many people I had for the majority of the time been taught History at school in a very dry boring way. This book made me passionate about History and I still am now some sixteen years later.

[I · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a collective gift from a pile of friends from the UK, i had to take this as was intended: on the bog or with drink. However, it held up elsewhere as well. A groovy little romp through the rest of history!

[Daniel Kukwa · Rating 3 out of 5]

Very cute and very pithy. Not exactly what you'd call an exhaustive book (or even as good as it could be), but as an amusing pocket guide to everything you need to know about the British until the end of WW2, I've seen much, MUCH worse.

[Dorothy · Rating 1 out of 5]

Gave up on this...not funny enough...better to go back to Sellers and Yeatman who did it all so much better with 1066 and All That: A Memorable History of England

[Julaine]

Source: Alhambra Books

[John · Rating 2 out of 5]

Slightly interesting, slightly funny.

[Jan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Gift from England.

[Mosh]

It's the history of Britain over 2,500 years in 150 pages. Lots of names, dates, and places all pointing out the idea that the more things change, the more they stay the same.

[Ben · Rating 3 out of 5]

An amusing, if silly and jingoistic refresher on British history.

[Wallace · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hilarious and fascinating. Wish there were more books like this