“My name, it would seem, is still Melanie and I am a doubly-incontinent tetraplegic.” I’ve been following Reid’s progress off and on through her London Times column ever since she was thrown from her horse on Good Friday 2010 and broke her neck. She spent a year in a Glasgow high-dependency hospital unit, a time she recreates in a lot of vivid and funny detail (almost everyone is anonymized in the book, so the nurses are nicknamed after plants and the fellow patients by character traits). There was so much to get used to in this new life, not least her body’s limitations and a total end to privacy.
Gut and bowel problems were a persistent nuisance; a colostomy ended up being the best decision she ever made, she says, because it put her back into control of her body. But it was no perfect fix: she remembers a horrific moment when she had a colostomy bag spill at the hairdresser’s and, while her husband Dave was helping her clean up with a bucket at the car, a reader came up and said, “Hello, are you Melanie Reid?” How’s that for timing?!
Reid speaks of adult acquired disability as “a compound fracture of the soul” that requires one to completely reframe one’s existence. She remembers the diminished life that her invalid aunt led in the mid-20th century and children’s books like Polyanna and What Katy Did that encouraged resignation and cheerfulness no matter what. Contrast that with the martial imagery that is associated almost as strongly with neurological rehabilitation as it is with cancer and you can see why she felt damned if she did hope for continuing recovery and damned if she didn’t. While she has indeed regained some sensation and movement in her lower body, she knows she’ll never be free of a wheelchair.
There were specific losses Reid experienced that I wouldn’t have predicted. One had to do with her height: at over six feet, she’d always been one of the tallest people in a room; now, in her wheelchair, she’s stuck at crotch height. She had never realized how big a role her tallness played in her identity until she lost it. As a disabled woman she also feels asexual. This came home to her for the first time in a heartbreaking moment when she was being airlifted from the site of her accident and the hot paramedic in the chopper said “keep breathing; do it for me.” A pure romance novel scenario that clinched for her that she would never be approached sexually again.
I was least interested in Reid’s horsey history, which occupies about 50 pages. About 20 months after her accident, she got back in the saddle via the Riding for the Disabled Association and was thrown again, breaking her hip. (Lightning does strike twice sometimes!) At that point she gave up on horses forever, though she does still let people stable ponies at her remote Scotland home and has driven horse-drawn carriages since. Given that closure on horses, I wasn’t sure why she devoted the epilogue to the irrelevant story of rider Jo Barry’s remarkable recovery.
Today, Reid maintains something like independence by driving a specially adapted car, and can manage transfers to and from bed by herself. Her column helps her feel purposeful, while all kinds of other things have faded into triviality, like female body woes and the sort of daily annoyances that once caused friction with her husband or son. Although she can’t blame other tetraplegics for giving in to the temptation of suicide, she holds onto enough hope to keep her going, and takes joy in simple things like seeing birds pass through her garden.
There is a definite message here: appreciate what you have while you have it, because your life is never as bad as you think it is. Though it is a touch over-long, this is a great example of an accessible medical memoir that draws attention to the struggles the disabled go through.
Some favorite lines:
“My sanity, my compensation, was to pretend I was indeed that war correspondent on the front line, compelled to start recording this crazy story, to make sense of it to myself. Besides, it was good copy.”
“Four-fifths of my body has divorced me, but it’s still attached to me.”
“Getting up was a ritual like preparing a medieval knight for battle”
“When you are in a damaged body, or have a chronic condition, you never quite cease to tease yourself with that ‘if only’ and the ‘what if’.”