Since I Laid My Burden Down

by Brontez Purnell

“Brontez is a raw tongue of flame blazing through all the blatant fakery and insincere bullshit of today's gay/music/human scene. This audacious non-memoir burnt the hair off the back of my neck and had me rolling with glee.” —SF Guardian on Johnny Would You Love Me

The adult DeShawn lives a high, artistic, and promiscuous life in San Francisco. But when he’s called back to his cramped southern hometown for his uncle’s funeral, it’s inevitable that he’ll be hit by flashbacks of handsome, doomed neighbors and sweltering Sunday services. Amidst prickly reminders of his childhood, DeShawn ponders family, church, and the men in his life, prompting the question: Who deserves love?

Since I Laid My Burden Down is a raw, funny, and uninhibited novella that traces a queer black man’s sexual and artistic awakenings as he stumbles—often painfully, sometimes joyously—down memory lane.

Brontez Purnell is author of the cult zine Fag School, frontman for his band The Younger Lovers, and founder and choreographer of the Brontez Purnell Dance Company. He was a guest curator for the Berkeley Art Museum's L@TE program, honored by Out Magazine's Hot 100 List and Most Eligible Bachelors List, and most recently won the 2014 SF Bay Guardian's Goldie for Performance/Music. His previous books include graphic novel The Cruising Diaries, and a novella Johnny Would You Love Me (if My Dick Were Bigger).

Genres: Fiction, Queer, LGBT, Race, Gay, Anti Racist, Novels

166 pages, Paperback

First published May 22, 2017

About the author

Brontez Purnell is an Oakland-based writer, musician, dancer, and director. He is the author of several books, including Since I Laid My Burden Down, and the zine Fag School; frontman for the punk band The Younger Lovers; and founder of the Brontez Purnell Dance Company.

Reviews

[Thomas · Rating 4 out of 5]

An irreverent and vibrant novel. I enjoyed reading Brontez Purnell’s Since I Laid My Burden Down, about a queer Black man who grew up in the South and then left for San Francisco. The novel is a bit like a fever dream with a lot of sex and reflections about relationships and men, as well as some darker themes related to abuse, especially the problematic normalization of child abuse. I tend to vibe with novels that follow a more linear plot, however I didn’t mind the flashing backward and forward in this book because our narrator, DeShawn, has such a clear, unapologetic voice that made the reading experience fun and engaging regardless. I liked how Purnell captured DeShawn’s shamelessness and thirst for life. It’s wonderful to read a novel where a queer person of color, in this case a queer Black man specifically, does interact with whiteness though the novel itself doesn’t feel weighed down by or excessively focused on whiteness or white people at all.

Though the book as a whole felt immersive, there were moments of hope, self-reflection, and growth toward the end of the novel that I wanted more of. However, I’d still recommend this novel to those interested in realistic fiction that centers unapologetic Black characters.

[Jonathan David Pope · Rating 4 out of 5]

‘Since I Laid My Burdens Down’ was interesting. It’s one of those books that doesn’t completely satisfy. It leaves you wanting more. A Black, Southern, un-filtered, gay-as-hell, sexual return-to-home type of novel, performance artist DeShawn is forced to confront a past full of losses, flings, abuse, and the constant search for escape — by any means necessary. I wouldn’t call his life tragic, but it’s far from triumphant. ‘Since I Laid My Burdens Down’ was raw, and unique, in the way that all stories of the queer experience should be. The novel ends with a breakthrough, but what happens next in the life of Deshawn?

[Dan · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love Purnell's writing. It's evocative, unapologetic, and funny. In many ways his tone reminds me of Sherman Alexie, though they are writing very different stories.

If you liked this, make sure to follow me on Goodreads for more reviews!

[Gabriella · Rating 2 out of 5]

I don’t want to give a short ass book a long ass review, so here goes nothing! Like my meme review suggests, this book is not for the faint of heart! In Since I Laid My Burden Down, Brontez Purnell’s dark, evocative humor is equal parts familiar and foreign. I say familiar because his wry, graphic cadence reminds me of how certain elders get when they are just too old for filters. Purnell shares many precise glimpses into the particular childhood and young adulthood of his main character, DeShawn, which is marked by isolation within community. Though only about 33 years old in the present-day part of the novel, DeShawn is a character who admittedly “has some miles on him”, as the old folks would say, so perhaps it makes sense that he shares their candor.

Speaking of miles, this short book travels very far: it covers just how much happens in a small Alabama town, and just how much that town reverberates in the minds of its residents as they move on to the Great Northern Beyond. The narrative is super fast-paced, in a way that felt punchy in the beginning, but crossed the fine line over to disjointed by the end. Twenty pages before the conclusion, readers receive a hasty tour of DeShawn’s relationship with his father, and I felt myself getting a case of whiplash.

Speaking of whips, I didn’t find this novel to be vulgar, moreso very specific. Most of the sex scenes were a refreshing twist from the binary that exists in most of the books I read (where authors feel they must choose between quality and erotic fiction.) However, there is a significant TW in this book that I am not okay with the framing of. See down a few lines for more details…

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In spirit of radical honesty, Brontez Purnell doesn’t shy away from discussing how many instances of childhood sexual abuse are “hidden in plain sight” in some Southern, Black, and/or religious communities. The detail of most of these assaults are pretty high-level, but DeShawn engages in one relationship with a minor that is not at all handled with the care I would’ve liked to see. In the earlier chapters of this book, Purnell was very close to telling a necessary story about the cycle of abuse, and what writer Da’Shaun Harrison calls the carcerality of the closet. This is a particular manifestation of rape culture that many queer Black Southerners experience, and I don’t think I’ve seen it adequately depicted in fiction before. Purnell attempts to discuss how these cycles and carceral systems blur the lines of consent, agency, and disclosure long after the survivors of CSA enter adulthood. However, his flippant tone felt super wrong when applied to DeShawn and Andre’s relationship, which is perhaps the most troubling story in a book rife with troubling stories.

All in all, I don’t think this book will be a waste of your time--mostly because it’s too short to take up more than a few days. However, I can’t say I’d put it high on my recommendation list, and certainly not for those who are survivors/in general triggered by this sort of content.

[jess · Rating 5 out of 5]

I greatly enjoyed and appreciated this brilliant book about growing up queer and black in 1980s Alabama. It is well-paced, hilarious, heart-breaking, sexy, brilliant, exciting, and totally punk rock. It feels nostalgic and illuminating at the same time. Purnell whiplashes the reader between heartbreaking moments and wild, amazing insights and adventures.

So many books like this would be beloved because the story is so good but this is actually well-written too. I've read a lot of small press, queer teenagers journeying to adulthood, rationalized identities, and self-acceptance kind of books. And this. I re-read a lot of pages just because they were so good. I laughed out loud. I cried. I hugged it when I finished it.

I immediately added it to my "favorites" shelf, making it only the third book of the 1,001 books I've read since I left college to have that distinction. I am so happy that this was my 100th book of 2019. It's just fucking perfect. Brontez Purnell is a genius. Read this goddamn book.

[KADEN]

dnf 💔

[Cara · Rating 3 out of 5]

Got this book somewhat at random from the library. It’s nothing like what I usually read or my experiences, so I thought maybe it would be a good change of pace.

The main thing about DeShawn is he doesn’t seem to be able to connect with life or feel anything. That’s mostly how I felt about the book, too.

DeShawn does change and become more Zen by the end of the book, but even that happens off-screen. We’re told more than shown his new perspective, and we don’t witness the evolution as it comes about, so it feels unlikely/unreal.

Overall, a decent book. I feel like I should have more to say about it, but I don’t.

[George Ilsley · Rating 4 out of 5]

This felt a bit like a cross between memoir and autobiographical fiction, but what do I know? I never really got a sense of who "DeShawn" was as a person, or what he did. Many of the sections are vignettes, stand-alones, or only very loosely connected to others. And yet, it is undeniable that Purnell is a talented writer and this powerful book left me wanting more.

3.5 to 4 stars for daring, energy, fearlessness, and promise. When I read a book and think I want to read more from an author — that is an achievement. I'm hooked!

[Alvin · Rating 5 out of 5]

A modern classic! In a matter-of-fact tone that's simultaneously wry and heartfelt, the narrator - a lovable scamp by the name of DeShawn - weaves a web of stories in which the reader cannot help but become ensnared. Though brief enough to read in a couple of sittings, SILMBD feels epic with Southern queens, California punks, strong women, bewildered boys, and damaged men all jumbling against each other kaleidoscopically. This is a Must Read.

[Waffle · Rating 4 out of 5]

A weaving path through memories. Stark and funny and honest.

[Morgan Thomas · Rating 5 out of 5]

THIS WAS FUNNY PLEAZE RESD IT

[O · Rating 5 out of 5]

SOUTHERN PUNK BEAUTY HEART BREAK CRASHING IN THE DEEP I LOVE AS MUCH AS I HURT

[Daniel Pepin · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was quite a tender reminiscence of misspent youth yet I felt that it lacked substance really. I enjoy a retrospective novel but they can stray into repetitiveness as I fear this one did, the characters failed to resonate and there was nothing particularly gripping or riotous as many reviews had led me to believe. However, I didn’t think it was necessarily bad rather just poorly advertised. I would describe it, instead, as an insight to a niche area of familial relationships and queer upbringings in stereotypically homophobic settings. A meander of a novel rather than the rapid that I thought it would be, disappointing but it still had its moments.

[Tim Benschop · Rating 4 out of 5]

Man this book comes in swinging like a bat. If it would have maintained that momentum for the whole 150 pages this would by far be my favorite book ever. Sadly, as it stands, in my opinion, it loses its focus a bit when DeShawn stays in Alabama with his mom. Feels more like he’s doing a bunch of self-contained stuff, instead of it taking part in the larger narrative.
But the writing is still good during those parts so all is forgiven. Definitely a strong recommend.

[theo vengan · Rating 2 out of 5]

‘Many men had died or simply vanished from his life - Jatius McClansy, Arnold, Skylar, his father, his stepfather, the list went on. He made a list of the pros and cons of all these men. He noticed that the last con for each of them was, He never really loved me.’

[Charlie · Rating 5 out of 5]

this was exactly what i hoped for when i said that “100 boyfriends” left me wanting more. kind of like a gay “men we reaped,” and that is high praise—i love jesmyn ward. so many heavy heavy themes handled with such a light-hearted touch. and he writes sex well! what more could i want

[Onyi]

asked the guy at mcnally to suggest a gay book with plot and character development, and this is what he gave me. the literary fiction girls are so far gone that they don’t even know what “plot” means 😪

[LuiG · Rating 5 out of 5]

Deshawn’s story unfolds like a sun shower with heavy rain that splashes the dirt up onto your feet and shins. On the mythology and wisdom of whoredom. On being black and gay and arty and from alabama. glory, glory! Brontez is soul for sluts and I’ll be reading his work as an old granny on my rocker with a smile.

[mikaylabry · Rating 5 out of 5]

what an amazing author. what an amazing book.

[Amelia · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars
This was very good. Even if there were some parts I didn't find the writing that convincing, I was overall very interested in the story and some parts were also written really well.

[Ben · Rating 3 out of 5]

The constraints of such a short book showed and it didn’t hit for me tbh but beautifully written.

[Elliot Pearson · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.5 stars, I’m obsessed with everything Purnell writes

[Katie · Rating 5 out of 5]

“In terms of archetypal Greek heroes DeShawn felt like a mix of Atlas and Sisyphus. Continually carrying the world on his shoulders to a great height and watching it all crumble and roll back down, just to put it back together and carry it again. He saw gluing his world back together as rest periods. The true power was never in reaching the summit, but when he was at the bottom repairing it. He thought of himself as his own divine sculptor. Could he ever really lay his burden down?

He kept on in the garden. The sunlight felt warm and nursing on his body as he planted the sunflowers. There has to be magic in this, DeShawn thought. At least he hoped so.” (118)

[Ondine · Rating 4 out of 5]

So glad I stumbled onto this book while browsing half-price. Probably made me blush like five times (learned something about myself) and I couldn't put it down. I laughed, I cried (literally). A must read.

[River Crabbe]

Juicy, messy and honest. Brontez Purnell captures something raw and moving about seeking love, men and intimacy in a southern black context. And wading through layers of history. Looking forward to reading more of his books.

[Sassafras Patterdale · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm so glad i read this book - the voice of the protagonist really stood out to me in this queer story about family, loss, growing up and identity

[John Dishwasher John Dishwasher · Rating 4 out of 5]

The most brilliant aspect of this book is the subtlety of its narrator. The novel reads like a first person telling. All throughout I felt like there was some “I” talking to me. And yet, the story is told in the third person. So that “I” I was feeling was never there. Or was it? I believe Purnell has deliberately created a very near version of a third person voice to reflect the fact the protagonist DeShawn is seeing himself as ‘other.’ He has become detached from himself, is looking in from the outside, as if he is not there. This line from late in the book supports my suspicion: “DeShawn looked in the mirror and all he saw was a man who had been absent from himself.” Added to this is the fact that this phantom I creates almost a feeling of a ghost narrator floating behind the text. As I said, I always felt him there, but he never exposed himself. It is easy to interpret that ‘ghost I’ as Purnell himself, though I can’t be sure. And then you get the feeling at the books completion that character and the ‘ghost I’ have made a step toward becoming whole. This is truly brilliant.

The story follows a man at a critical moment of transition in his life. He returns from Northern California to his childhood home in Alabama to deal with several deaths and how such crises can bring the meaning and direction of one’s life into question and focus. The basic premise is not so novel in itself, but the fact it is telling the story of a gay black punk man definitely is. As the story works through DeShawn’s soul-searching and reflections, it provides insight into a perspective that is far from mainstream while simultaneously allowing those with more mainstream perspectives to identify with him as a human being.

Purnell is also using Greek mythology in some significant way here. But I couldn’t pin that down.

[Ridge · Rating 4 out of 5]

4/4.5 ⭐️’s

‘People think life is all about the big battles, but it’s really not about that. Sometimes it’s about finding enough self love just to get the days chores done. If you can do that much everyday, life gets a little easier everyday.’

Another great book by Brontez Purnell, another exploration into memories, relationships with others, relationship with self, generational trauma and more.

Filled with some truthful but bitter realisations and quotes to remember, the book carries us along memory lane with DeShawn, as he unpicks how the roots of his past that lie in many places with many people have constructed his life as he lives today and his full realisation of the need to know himself better and close all these chapters, with both the men and women in his life, previously left open and undelt with.

Always bringing a fresh but relatable perspective, Purnell affords his main characters to hold a respectable + self critical but forgiving stance on the characters around them. The jump between timelines, the full history of most characters mentioned, the humour and relatability, all makes for a fun read and a learning experience I would very much recommend.

‘There were so many people offering nothing and treating that nothing like it was a prize to be fought over.’

[looneybooks79 · Rating 4 out of 5]

Since I laid my Burden down by @brontezpurnell book review

Last year I read 100 Boyfriends by Brontez Purnell so when I saw this edition of ‘Since I laid my Burden down’ I knew I had to have it. As with the previous novel, this is a slutty, punk, promiscuous sin of a book and it is delicious.

Where it differs from ‘100 Boyfriends’ is that here we have one main character (semi autobiographical?) Deshawn, a black queer man living in San Francisco. He is called from his hometown in Alabama, where his uncle died and he is asked to come for the funeral. And this sets in motion a lot of emotions for DeShawn, because his history is told through memories and the many sexual encounters he had in his life.

The way Brontez describes these encounters is exhilarating but also very confrontational because sex has become a way of living. From abuse to not caring about having an STD and still f**ing around, to suicide and bad mental health and drug abuse… the themes alternate between those… both books have these themes, by the way! It’s fun to read about them but I can only hope us queer people have learned to behave in real life

[Dean · Rating 3 out of 5]

I wanted to really like this book and was really excited to read it, but it ended up just being okay. I have it 3 stars because they're were some definite thought provoking characters who have me insight into lives I've never even imagined. The narrator and main character was fairly one dimensional. His growth was not really discussed, just mentioned that it happened. Again, though, if this is read more like a series of short stories about the experiences of various African American LBGTQ people living in conservative Alabama as seen through the eyes of the narrator, it's a fairly illuminating book.