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The Power of Attachment: How to Create Deep and Lasting Intimate Relationships
How traumatic events can break our vital connections―and how to restore love, wholeness, and resiliency in your life.
From our earliest years, we develop an attachment style that follows us through life, replaying in our daily emotional landscape, our relationships, and how we feel about ourselves. And in the wake of a traumatic event―such as a car accident, severe illness, loss of a loved one, or experience of abuse―that attachment style can deeply influence what happens next.
In The Power of Attachment , Dr. Diane Poole Heller, a pioneer in attachment theory and trauma resolution, shows how overwhelming experiences can disrupt our most important connections― with the parts of ourselves within, with the physical world around us, and with others.
The good news is that we can restore and reconnect at all levels, regardless of our past.
Here, you’ll learn key insights and practices to help
• Restore the broken connections caused by trauma
• Get embodied and grounded in your body
• Integrate the parts of yourself that feel wounded and fragmented
• Emerge from grief, fear, and powerlessness to regain strength, joy, and resiliency
• Reclaim access to your inner resources and spiritual nature
"We are fundamentally designed to heal," teaches Dr. Heller. "Even if our childhood is less than ideal, our secure attachment system is biologically programmed in us, and our job is to simply find out what’s interfering with it―and learn what we can do to make those secure tendencies more dominant."
With expertise drawn from Dr. Heller’s research, clinical work, and training programs, this book invites you to begin that journey back to wholeness.
From our earliest years, we develop an attachment style that follows us through life, replaying in our daily emotional landscape, our relationships, and how we feel about ourselves. And in the wake of a traumatic event―such as a car accident, severe illness, loss of a loved one, or experience of abuse―that attachment style can deeply influence what happens next.
In The Power of Attachment , Dr. Diane Poole Heller, a pioneer in attachment theory and trauma resolution, shows how overwhelming experiences can disrupt our most important connections― with the parts of ourselves within, with the physical world around us, and with others.
The good news is that we can restore and reconnect at all levels, regardless of our past.
Here, you’ll learn key insights and practices to help
• Restore the broken connections caused by trauma
• Get embodied and grounded in your body
• Integrate the parts of yourself that feel wounded and fragmented
• Emerge from grief, fear, and powerlessness to regain strength, joy, and resiliency
• Reclaim access to your inner resources and spiritual nature
"We are fundamentally designed to heal," teaches Dr. Heller. "Even if our childhood is less than ideal, our secure attachment system is biologically programmed in us, and our job is to simply find out what’s interfering with it―and learn what we can do to make those secure tendencies more dominant."
With expertise drawn from Dr. Heller’s research, clinical work, and training programs, this book invites you to begin that journey back to wholeness.
224 pages, Paperback
First published March 12, 2019
1123 people are currently reading
8791 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 259 reviews
March 22, 2019
The best thing about this book is the author’s gentle, reassuring tone. I’ve read other books on attachment theory that explain the attachment styles and provide relationship advice, but this is the first book that really made me feel like there is nothing wrong with those of us who have an insecure attachment style. I love how the author often writes in first person plural point of view (“When we grow up with an avoidant adaptation” or “Those of us with an ambivalent attachment style”), creating a sense of inclusion and acceptance. It makes this subject so much easier to read about.
This book describes all four attachment styles: secure, avoidant, ambivalent, and the often-neglected disorganized style. The author explains that these styles are on a continuum and can be quite fluid, changing over time and within different contexts. She maintains that anyone can learn how to function more securely and enjoy a happy relationship. To that end, she provides tips and exercises for working on your own attachment issues as well as learning how to understand and get along better with people of different attachment styles. Importantly, she also provides some suggestions for when it may be best to move on from a relationship.
This book was easy to understand and emphasized a hopeful message that intimate connection is everyone’s birthright. I recommend this book for anyone interested in improving their relationships, or for counselors who want to help clients with attachment issues.
I was provided an unproofed ARC through NetGalley that I volunteered to review. Because I have not seen the final published version, I cannot comment on the final editing and formatting.
This book describes all four attachment styles: secure, avoidant, ambivalent, and the often-neglected disorganized style. The author explains that these styles are on a continuum and can be quite fluid, changing over time and within different contexts. She maintains that anyone can learn how to function more securely and enjoy a happy relationship. To that end, she provides tips and exercises for working on your own attachment issues as well as learning how to understand and get along better with people of different attachment styles. Importantly, she also provides some suggestions for when it may be best to move on from a relationship.
This book was easy to understand and emphasized a hopeful message that intimate connection is everyone’s birthright. I recommend this book for anyone interested in improving their relationships, or for counselors who want to help clients with attachment issues.
I was provided an unproofed ARC through NetGalley that I volunteered to review. Because I have not seen the final published version, I cannot comment on the final editing and formatting.
March 31, 2020
I think I like Diane Poole Heller's work filtered through my therapist than I do taking it straight up. I think this book would have blown my mind if I hadn't read about 8 books about attachment theory over the last two years. I think this book would have impacted me more if I had felt the time or the space or the compulsion to do the exercises. Sometimes, a book hits me just so and knocks me into the next phase of my life. This strikes me as a book that could do that for someone, just not me, just not now.
September 18, 2023
Knygoje tikrai galima rasti trupinių įžvalgių minčių, kurios bus pravarčios geriau suprantant save ar aplinkinius. Žodžiu - tiesos yra. BET bendrai paėmus knyga nekokybiška. Bandoma pakišti po prieraišumo sąvokomis daugiau dalykų nei yra nesaugus prieraišumas: asmenybės sutrikimą, kompleksus, reakcijas į trauminius išgyvenimus ir pan. Ir jei jau rašai knygą specifiškai šia tema, vertėtų įtraukti reaktyvų nesaugų prieraišumą. Čia apie jį neužsimenama.
Nerekomenduoju, nebent išmanot temą ir skaitysit kritiškai.
Nerekomenduoju, nebent išmanot temą ir skaitysit kritiškai.
September 2, 2021
This book mostly ended up being stuff I already knew from reading other books and immersing myself in attachment theory, but I did learn a few new concepts that really stuck.
The main take-home for me was the idea of “coherence” — this total attunement that some part of me has been deeply longing for my whole life, consistently disappointed with poor coherence in all of my relationships, but no vocabulary to name it.
I also really loved Diane’s embodied exercises. My eyes usually ended up brimming with tears, as I imagined the secure scenarios and visualizations that she guided me through. I particularly loved the “welcome to the world” exercise, which stirred so much of my own early childhood grief around feeling unwelcome. I also loved the “gleam beams” (kind eyes) visualizations. Doing these I felt so much warmth, and such a taste of what life could feel like when I’m not looking out through trauma goggles.
Also, Diane’s voice is so soothing. The whole book felt like a warm hug, or sitting on a mother’s lap. Her compassion deeply shines through. Honestly, I think this was my favorite part. I am so grateful for her. 💜
The main take-home for me was the idea of “coherence” — this total attunement that some part of me has been deeply longing for my whole life, consistently disappointed with poor coherence in all of my relationships, but no vocabulary to name it.
I also really loved Diane’s embodied exercises. My eyes usually ended up brimming with tears, as I imagined the secure scenarios and visualizations that she guided me through. I particularly loved the “welcome to the world” exercise, which stirred so much of my own early childhood grief around feeling unwelcome. I also loved the “gleam beams” (kind eyes) visualizations. Doing these I felt so much warmth, and such a taste of what life could feel like when I’m not looking out through trauma goggles.
Also, Diane’s voice is so soothing. The whole book felt like a warm hug, or sitting on a mother’s lap. Her compassion deeply shines through. Honestly, I think this was my favorite part. I am so grateful for her. 💜
October 18, 2018
Not exactly a self help book. More like a personal seminar in applied psychology. And the author is totally jazzed by her subject, if more therapists had her zeal and depth of knowledge, it'd be a different world.
January 6, 2023
Didžiulis pliusas už paprastą, aiškią ir turbūt kiekvienam suprantamą kalbą bei už skatinimą atsakyti į klausimus apie prieraišumą tiek įprastoje, tiek streso būsenoje. Ir dar už tai, kad visi nesėkmingi prieraišumai pateikiami be vienpusių kaltinimų kažkam, labiau kaip aplinkybės, kurios žmogų ištiko be jo pasirinkimo. Nebe pliusas už tai, kad nors pradžioje pristatoma, kad knygoje bus pratimų, jų nėra tiek jau daug ir jie visi skatinantys įsivaizduoti - turintiems ne tokią lakią vaizduotę gali kilti sunkumų. Kitas nebe pliusas, kad skyrius, ką daryti su partneriu, didesnis už skyrių, ką daryti pačiam, - labai mielas ir sveikintinas noras padėti kitam, tačiau man atrodo, kad pradžia vis tiek pačiame žmoguje būti turi.
March 10, 2022
Personal thank you to this book for addressing the "issue" of being in a relationship with avoidants with something besides "they're monsters that won't change so just leave them." While I do think it's true that there are many abusive and neglectful people that fall into the avoidant category (and I do want people to be wary of that), I am very glad that this book is helpful to people with avoidant attachment and those that have relationships with them.
It is true that we also want love and we just struggle to recognize our feelings and don't know how to reach out to people. We need to take breaks when conflict and upsetting emotions are happening. I have learned that I need to actually communicate that with my anxious loved ones and give them a set time to come back and talk once that break is over.
It is very possible for avoidant people to learn to have healthy relationships and a big part of that is understanding how attachment theory works. The same is true for anxiously attached people. My sister and I are kind of on both ends of this and we manage to have a good relationship to each other because we meet each other in the middle and learned about these things. That's why I really recommend reading a book like this. It helps you understand the different ways that people think and communicate.
It is true that we also want love and we just struggle to recognize our feelings and don't know how to reach out to people. We need to take breaks when conflict and upsetting emotions are happening. I have learned that I need to actually communicate that with my anxious loved ones and give them a set time to come back and talk once that break is over.
It is very possible for avoidant people to learn to have healthy relationships and a big part of that is understanding how attachment theory works. The same is true for anxiously attached people. My sister and I are kind of on both ends of this and we manage to have a good relationship to each other because we meet each other in the middle and learned about these things. That's why I really recommend reading a book like this. It helps you understand the different ways that people think and communicate.
March 21, 2023
Beveik niekada neskaitau knygų antrą kartą, o šią - skaitysiu, nes kol kas ją prabėgau su įkarščiu, godžiai siurbdamas informaciją - tiek daug atsakymų susidėliojo į reikiamas lentynas, kiekviename skyriuje atpažinau artimuosius ir santykius su jais, o vieną dalį skaičiau lyg psichoterapeuto išrašą apie save patį. Jausmas, lyg kažkas nuskaitė vidines patirtis, mintis ir surašė mano paslėptas būsenas.
Antrą kartą knygą naudosiu kaip darbinį instrumentą, pamažu išbandydamas aprašomas praktikas, pratimus, koreguojant savo prieraišumo tipą, veikimo instinktus ir atkuriant ryšį su savimi. Tai dar nežinau kiek ji bus veiksminga savipagalbos srityje.
Antrą kartą knygą naudosiu kaip darbinį instrumentą, pamažu išbandydamas aprašomas praktikas, pratimus, koreguojant savo prieraišumo tipą, veikimo instinktus ir atkuriant ryšį su savimi. Tai dar nežinau kiek ji bus veiksminga savipagalbos srityje.
February 4, 2021
“Deep down all of us are designed for intimacy, connection, awareness, and love. We’re amazing, magical creatures, and to see each other as such is a tremendous gift to everyone involved. Open yourself to that. Open yourself to all that it means to become fully human, fully who you were meant to be. You can do it. We all can do it. We’re designed to do it”
June 15, 2022
I got this to follow up Self Therapy by Jay Early.
Perhaps it was a tough act to follow.
But I was underwhelmed.
It’s a Sounds True title, so I was expecting more guided meditations/experiential exercises.
This program was almost entirely didactic.
If you’re pretty new to attachment theory and you want to learn more. This may be a great option for you.
For me.
I think it is a case of bad timing.
3/5 😕
Perhaps it was a tough act to follow.
But I was underwhelmed.
It’s a Sounds True title, so I was expecting more guided meditations/experiential exercises.
This program was almost entirely didactic.
If you’re pretty new to attachment theory and you want to learn more. This may be a great option for you.
For me.
I think it is a case of bad timing.
3/5 😕
March 6, 2024
Populiariosios psichologijos amerikiečių autoriams būdingu stiliumi knygos pradžioje būsite supažindinti su autoriaus asmenine istorija, gijimo keliu, atradimais, ir rasite įvadą apie tai kam skirta knyga, ko pasieksite perskaitę ir kaip taip pakeis jūsų gyvenimą. Tačiau nepaisant įžanginės dalies, visa kita labai gerai. Na, gal dar savarankiškos užduotys kiekvieno skyriaus pabaigoje, kurių dauguma skaitytojų, tikiu, niekada nedaro. Bet užduotys labiausiai skirtos pagalvoti, pastebėti tam tikrus dalykus, todėl tai nesukelia per daug praktinio vadovo įspūdžio, o tik labiau atskleidžia knygos esmę. Asmeniškai buvo naudinga ir įdomu susipažinti su saugaus prieraišumo ryšiu, atpažinti jo požymius santykiuose, integruoti juos į savo gyvenimą, pritaikyti auginant vaikus. Buvo smalsu panagrinėti prieraišumo adapticijas, kurios susiformavo daugeliui iš mūsų ankstyvoje vaikystėje, kuri nebūtinai buvo ribinė, tačiau funkcionavo ne taip kaip turėtų, ir todėl užsiprogramavo neįsisamoninta ir liko kaip pirminis santykių modelis, atsikartojantis visuose kituose santykiuose. Rekomenduoju jei siekiate geriau pažinti save ir kitus, domitės psichologija ir norite rasti atsakymus. Knyga neskatina ieškoti kaltų, nesukelia pykčio ir apmaudo dėl įvykusių dalykų, tačiau skatina atsiverti tobulėjimui.
June 11, 2022
My favorite part about this book was how it had practical skills and exercises to use in both personal and clinical work. I have read a lot on attachment theory so I was hoping this book would offer more insights and findings than others I have read in the past (sadly it didn’t). However, if you are wanting to understand the basis of attachment theory and attachment styles I highly recommend! It’s a little bit more of a clinical book but is still a digestible read.
September 22, 2024
Būdai kaip išmokti mylėti ir džiaugtis savo gyvenimu 🙏
February 17, 2023
I find the contents of this book to be overwhelming interesting. The different natures of attachment styles, how they relate to trauma and childhood is fascinating. Further, the practical advice and exercises explored for both secure and insecure attachment styles alike are interesting and have clear merit, especially with folks on high ends of these spectrums I think. I particularly enjoyed the last bit of the book with practical advice on how to navigate the waters of romantic relationships relative to these attachment styles. I admired the resounding theme that we are all biologically programmed for secure attachment style and there is a path for each and every one of us to get there.
So why three out of five? And this is sheerly semantics and perhaps I should be more forgiving in what is ultimately a fairly academic book. But my God was the prose boring and dry. It took me 2 months to finish this book and I probably read it over the course of three months. It completely derailed my reading streak because I stubbornly refuse to move onto a new book before I've finished the last. But that's more of a me problem. Overall, I really did enjoy the contents of the book, but it reminded me of biting into an unsalted dry potato from a literary perspective.
So why three out of five? And this is sheerly semantics and perhaps I should be more forgiving in what is ultimately a fairly academic book. But my God was the prose boring and dry. It took me 2 months to finish this book and I probably read it over the course of three months. It completely derailed my reading streak because I stubbornly refuse to move onto a new book before I've finished the last. But that's more of a me problem. Overall, I really did enjoy the contents of the book, but it reminded me of biting into an unsalted dry potato from a literary perspective.
September 3, 2022
Knyga ne itin sužavėjo, toks vaizdas kad ji visa apie tą patį, bet gal taip ir turi būti, perskaitęs ją daug maž keliais sakiniais gali apibūdinti. Bet kartu ir susidaro bendras vaizdas kodėl atsiranda vienokios ir kitokios gyvenimo traumos, ir, kad nuo visų gali pagyti
January 16, 2024
So good! Much preferred over “Attached.” Compassionate, reassuring, and so many great exercises for moving towards secure attachment.
June 6, 2024
Significantly better than Attached. If you're interested in attachment theory, this is the book to read.
February 28, 2024
Preface
I would recommend this book to those who want good activities to work through their attachment style or know little about the topic. Much of it was a rehash of what I had in my counseling classes.
————————————————————————————
Ratings
Knowledge: 2.5 📜📜💫 A fair amount of knowledge
Complexity: ❎ Not complex. Anyone can understand.
Interest: 2.5 🧚🏻♀️🧚🏻♀️💫 A full cup of interest
Overall star rating : 3.5 ⭐️⭐️⭐️💫 It was good, it was almost great.
————————————————————————————
🚨🚨🚨🚨 SPOILERS 🚨🚨🚨🚨
Some ( Very Random) Moments of Notice Along With (Sometimes) My Very Live Thoughts Straight From My Notes App to You:
📌 “contingency refers to a relational experience in which you feel understood by another person. You have a felt sense that this person is attuned to you, that they resonate with who you are. You feel they “get” you. You get gotten and feel felt, so to speak. When you tell them a story or something about an experience you’ve had, you feel they meet you in an emotional and even spiritual way. It’s a deep sense of connection. It doesn’t happen enough, of course, because a lot of the time when we speak or listen to others, we don’t pay enough attention or dig deep enough to empower this sense of contingency to happen. As an important side note, one way to generate contingency is to ask clarifying questions when others are speaking to you. Relevant questions show that we’re really listening and care to comprehend the other person thoroughly.
When we’re newborns, we don’t have many ways to express ourself other than crying. Sometimes we cry because we have an obvious need—say, we’re hungry or need a diaper change. But babies also cry to communicate other needs. An ideal parent or caregiver will pay attention to these[…]”
I would recommend this book to those who want good activities to work through their attachment style or know little about the topic. Much of it was a rehash of what I had in my counseling classes.
————————————————————————————
Ratings
Knowledge: 2.5 📜📜💫 A fair amount of knowledge
Complexity: ❎ Not complex. Anyone can understand.
Interest: 2.5 🧚🏻♀️🧚🏻♀️💫 A full cup of interest
Overall star rating : 3.5 ⭐️⭐️⭐️💫 It was good, it was almost great.
————————————————————————————
🚨🚨🚨🚨 SPOILERS 🚨🚨🚨🚨
Some ( Very Random) Moments of Notice Along With (Sometimes) My Very Live Thoughts Straight From My Notes App to You:
📌 “contingency refers to a relational experience in which you feel understood by another person. You have a felt sense that this person is attuned to you, that they resonate with who you are. You feel they “get” you. You get gotten and feel felt, so to speak. When you tell them a story or something about an experience you’ve had, you feel they meet you in an emotional and even spiritual way. It’s a deep sense of connection. It doesn’t happen enough, of course, because a lot of the time when we speak or listen to others, we don’t pay enough attention or dig deep enough to empower this sense of contingency to happen. As an important side note, one way to generate contingency is to ask clarifying questions when others are speaking to you. Relevant questions show that we’re really listening and care to comprehend the other person thoroughly.
When we’re newborns, we don’t have many ways to express ourself other than crying. Sometimes we cry because we have an obvious need—say, we’re hungry or need a diaper change. But babies also cry to communicate other needs. An ideal parent or caregiver will pay attention to these[…]”
August 13, 2022
Helder uiteengezet hoe hechting ontstaat en verloopt en hoe verschillende hechtingspatronen herkenbaar zijn en kunnen evolueren.
Focus op de aanleg tot zoeken naar veilige gehechtheid, zelfs met negatieve ervaringen in veiligheid.
je krijgt handvaten om je eigen gehechtheid te bekijken. Zonder dwang of (ver/be) oordeling van waar dit ontstaan is of vandaan kwam.
Inzichten ook uit het werk met Peter Levine en Somatic Experiëncing
https://ceesvanderboom.nl/de-kracht-v....
Focus op de aanleg tot zoeken naar veilige gehechtheid, zelfs met negatieve ervaringen in veiligheid.
je krijgt handvaten om je eigen gehechtheid te bekijken. Zonder dwang of (ver/be) oordeling van waar dit ontstaan is of vandaan kwam.
Inzichten ook uit het werk met Peter Levine en Somatic Experiëncing
https://ceesvanderboom.nl/de-kracht-v....
May 19, 2025
“The Power of Attachment” came into my life at a moment when I truly needed to reconnect with myself and examine my attachment patterns, both in relationships and within. Diane writes in a gentle, clear, and insightful way, and I have to say that this book helped me actively do something for myself. The exercises aren’t just empty theory. When you truly engage with them, they open up real space for inner work. Although, I still felt like something was missing. Maybe more real-life examples? Maybe a deeper emotional dive? Except for one chapter that really stayed with me, most of the book didn’t leave a lasting impression, possibly because I already knew some of these concepts, or maybe because I was hoping for even more practical tools. I also wish there had been more exercises, something to take it a step further.
Still, I’d recommend this book to anyone looking to explore their attachment style and begin healing in a compassionate, grounded way.
Still, I’d recommend this book to anyone looking to explore their attachment style and begin healing in a compassionate, grounded way.
Read
December 27, 2023Daug gerų atsiliepimų sukūrė mano aukštus lūkesčius, bet jie deja nepasiteisino. Kažkodėl tikėjausi daugiau apie prieraišumą auginant vaikus, bet knyga labiau orientuota į atsineštas traumas iš vaikystės ir darbą su jomis suaugus kuriant sveikus santykius. Kam tai aktualu - turbūt rastų atsakymus. Deja pati nors ir stengiausi ir skaičiau vos ne pusę metų - knygoje sau kažko neradau.
January 17, 2024
Very interesting and helpful little book! An easy read but extremely practical in better understanding attachment styles in relationships and how to navigate them in a healthy and nurturing way.
February 20, 2025
A validating read for those of us with insecure attachments. A nice blend of academic and scientific writing mixed with relational and everyday language, and provided much more nuance than the popular book 'Attached'. Enjoyed the sprinkle of practical tips throughout to help move toward secure attachment. Useful for everyone to read!
May 25, 2020
Solid review of attachment theory with many examples within relationships and explanations of an individual's CNS along with strategies to respond to different situations that more towards secure attachment. Felt like a therapist giving a lecture/workshop.
Some interesting concepts/quotes:
- we need to be in attunement at least 20% of the time in relationships. No one is perfect, there is wiggle room here.
- practice repair, which builds our relationship resiliency, and helps keep us in attachment.
- "we develop the capacity for independence...we develop the capacity for dependence... and that gives us this increased capacity for interdependence."
- practice noticing and receiving 1% more connection.
- there are some benefits to insecure attachment types with regards to survival. Ex. Avoidant is good with limiter resources to survive alone in harsh circumstances.
- "Secure folks don't have any particular behavior pattern or personality or appearance, they just have this capacity for connection."
- ambivalence: 'they pick a fight when really they just want a hug, but they're too stressed.'
Some interesting concepts/quotes:
- we need to be in attunement at least 20% of the time in relationships. No one is perfect, there is wiggle room here.
- practice repair, which builds our relationship resiliency, and helps keep us in attachment.
- "we develop the capacity for independence...we develop the capacity for dependence... and that gives us this increased capacity for interdependence."
- practice noticing and receiving 1% more connection.
- there are some benefits to insecure attachment types with regards to survival. Ex. Avoidant is good with limiter resources to survive alone in harsh circumstances.
- "Secure folks don't have any particular behavior pattern or personality or appearance, they just have this capacity for connection."
- ambivalence: 'they pick a fight when really they just want a hug, but they're too stressed.'
June 17, 2019
I wish I'd read this 20 years ago! Very insightful into the causes of emotional triggers and behaviors. I ended up buying a copy for myself. It's not just relevant in term of romantic relationships, but in how you interpret all relationships and thus gives a good starting point for working through common relationship problems with friends, family, colleagues and romantic partners.
October 8, 2018
I love this book so much. It has been a very powerful force in my own healing, and in the healing of my relationships. I listen to it again and again to receive more of its wisdom. It is a compassionate approach and the neuroscience is fascinating!
June 14, 2020
This book helped me understand my pain and hesitancy around relationships. It was a welcome tool in the midst of navigating a painful breakup. I felt seen and heard, yet still challenged to grow beyond my mold. I want Diane Poole Heller to coach my life.
June 10, 2025
Dr. Heller’s book was a surprisingly rewarding read. While I am not a psychologist nor aspire to be one, I found the analysis, questions and exercises to be helpful. I felt like I was in a Psych 101 course and Dr. Heller was sharing about her favorite subject. Her gentle, accepting and unoffensive tone was reassuring.
I stumbled across this read after realizing my own insecure attachment tendencies and felt compelled to learn more about the different styles of attachment and what secure attachment looks like. Though this book discusses a lot about how these attachment styles show up in adulthood, Dr. Heller spends a significant number of pages analyzing the potential childhood environments and triggers that created the insecure response—mainly as a defense mechanism developed to cope with whatever cards we were dealt. This, naturally, caused me to consider my own childhood experience and began the introspective process of figuring out my “why.”
My favorite part about this book was that Dr. Heller gives hope, saying effectively that we aren’t doomed to insecure attachment for the rest of our lives. Together, we can heal and grow more securely attached. Specifically around the “blueprinting” idea of looking back at childhood experiences, she writes:
Dr. Heller opens with a (quite) long introduction and moves into chapters that outline each attachment style—beginning with secure attachment and then moving to insecure styles: avoidant, ambivalent and disorganized. Finally, she discusses how attachment styles appear in relationships and gives practical advice on growing toward secure attachment within them.
Overall, I found this book intriguing—mainly because I don’t often think about many of these dynamics. However, since starting, I’ve become more intensely aware of my own and other people’s tendencies (within their own relationships) and also my own triggers. This book probably shouldn't stand in the place of a session with a licensed professional counselor (and I'm sure even if one was in therapy, this book might not provide any additional value), but on its own it was still quite enjoyable.
I plan to revisit some of the exercises and notes from my chapter (the real ones can tell which I am) regularly as I work to improve and grow more secure.
Now, remember—I’m not a psychologist. So don’t take anything I wrote at face value. You don’t have to love the book or care about what I think. To each their own.
I stumbled across this read after realizing my own insecure attachment tendencies and felt compelled to learn more about the different styles of attachment and what secure attachment looks like. Though this book discusses a lot about how these attachment styles show up in adulthood, Dr. Heller spends a significant number of pages analyzing the potential childhood environments and triggers that created the insecure response—mainly as a defense mechanism developed to cope with whatever cards we were dealt. This, naturally, caused me to consider my own childhood experience and began the introspective process of figuring out my “why.”
My favorite part about this book was that Dr. Heller gives hope, saying effectively that we aren’t doomed to insecure attachment for the rest of our lives. Together, we can heal and grow more securely attached. Specifically around the “blueprinting” idea of looking back at childhood experiences, she writes:
“We can’t change our factual history, of course. But we can change the rules, roles, meanings, beliefs and coping tactics we formed based on the original events in order to let go of some limiting factors that restrain us from the promise of secure attachment. It’s not about denying what happened to us. It’s about opening to a more expansive capacity now and in the future.”
Dr. Heller opens with a (quite) long introduction and moves into chapters that outline each attachment style—beginning with secure attachment and then moving to insecure styles: avoidant, ambivalent and disorganized. Finally, she discusses how attachment styles appear in relationships and gives practical advice on growing toward secure attachment within them.
Overall, I found this book intriguing—mainly because I don’t often think about many of these dynamics. However, since starting, I’ve become more intensely aware of my own and other people’s tendencies (within their own relationships) and also my own triggers. This book probably shouldn't stand in the place of a session with a licensed professional counselor (and I'm sure even if one was in therapy, this book might not provide any additional value), but on its own it was still quite enjoyable.
I plan to revisit some of the exercises and notes from my chapter (the real ones can tell which I am) regularly as I work to improve and grow more secure.
Now, remember—I’m not a psychologist. So don’t take anything I wrote at face value. You don’t have to love the book or care about what I think. To each their own.
February 20, 2024
The Power of Attachment is not a long read, especially if you're already familiar with attachment theory through books like Attached by Amir Levine or Polysecure by Jessica Fern. The descriptions of the attachment styles and how to change them are not radically different from what you might read online or in other books. (IIRC, Polysecure borrows heavily from this book when discussing adult attachment.)
However, what makes The Power of Attachment stand out to me is its attitude of hope and optimism towards growing into a more secure attachment style. Heller describes secure attachment as the way that humans are naturally wired to connect to others, and the journey to recovery being not about fixing a self that is permanently broken, but rather getting back in touch with how you quite literally evolved to behave. She emphasizes that the insecure attachment styles are not fixed traits to be adopted as identities, but patterns of behavior that were learned in childhood and therefore can also be unlearned in adulthood (with much hard work and ideally a good therapist). I love how compassionate Heller's framing is, and I especially love how she encourages a growth mindset towards secure attachment. She is realistic about the work being challenging and long-term, with ups and downs, but strongly encourages her reader not to give up. Indeed, part of becoming more securely attached (and becoming more mature in general) is having faith that small-scale changes in your beliefs and behaviors will add up and make a big positive difference in the long run.
Heller includes a number of exercises borrowing from her theoretical framework, Somatic Experiencing, to help insecurely attached people unlearn core beliefs and practice behaving in a securely attached manner. I have not tried any of these, so I don't know if they are helpful, but I think that action-oriented people may appreciate the exercises.
However, what makes The Power of Attachment stand out to me is its attitude of hope and optimism towards growing into a more secure attachment style. Heller describes secure attachment as the way that humans are naturally wired to connect to others, and the journey to recovery being not about fixing a self that is permanently broken, but rather getting back in touch with how you quite literally evolved to behave. She emphasizes that the insecure attachment styles are not fixed traits to be adopted as identities, but patterns of behavior that were learned in childhood and therefore can also be unlearned in adulthood (with much hard work and ideally a good therapist). I love how compassionate Heller's framing is, and I especially love how she encourages a growth mindset towards secure attachment. She is realistic about the work being challenging and long-term, with ups and downs, but strongly encourages her reader not to give up. Indeed, part of becoming more securely attached (and becoming more mature in general) is having faith that small-scale changes in your beliefs and behaviors will add up and make a big positive difference in the long run.
Heller includes a number of exercises borrowing from her theoretical framework, Somatic Experiencing, to help insecurely attached people unlearn core beliefs and practice behaving in a securely attached manner. I have not tried any of these, so I don't know if they are helpful, but I think that action-oriented people may appreciate the exercises.
February 3, 2022
This book. It’s been a powerful tool in understanding myself and the tendency I have towards ambivalent or anxious attachment. It details what secure attachment looks like and has practical things that contribute to building that.
I love that there’s a positive spin on the different styles, it’s not all a negative and unhelpful pattern. There are also mental exercises for each style that you can do to help fully receive the love and care around you that has been so good for me to put into practice.
This is such a crucial tool for communication. Must read.
I love that there’s a positive spin on the different styles, it’s not all a negative and unhelpful pattern. There are also mental exercises for each style that you can do to help fully receive the love and care around you that has been so good for me to put into practice.
This is such a crucial tool for communication. Must read.
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