This is a longer than usual review, hoping my personal experience will help others.
“A half-truth is even more dangerous than a lie. A lie, you can detect at some stage, but half a truth is sure to mislead you for long.”
― Anurag Shourie, Half A Shadow
"Learning is not wrong. What we learn may be"
-Me
Logic is my modus operandi. As such many times I have tendency to focus not as much on what is but rather on why is.
However, logic needs at least 3 preconditions in order to produce valid answers to a certain problem:
-sufficiency of input data
-quality of input data
-right question for the right problem.
In 2016 I started to experience intense anxiety and emotional disregulation like never in my life before (as a matter of fact I didn't know how real anxiety feels before). Things got brutal for me and people around me but preconception held me from asking help: first, my preconception that therapy is good for kindergarten girls and that I have the resources to handle myself ( I am a man for Christ sake), second, I am the type that I need to understand before being capable to solve a problem, I cannot apply procedures blindly because something just is, without understanding the why's.
As things were aggravating and (more) pushed by my partner I did accept to see a therapist.
At first it didn't work at all and kept changing therapists. After a while of persistence it seems like results are coming, but it turned that I was very easily slipping back. Even when results seemed to be consistent for a short while, deep inside I did feel something does not add up, that I am not on the right path leading to solving my problems.
I had limited knowledge at the time and all and everything, including therapists were pointing at amygdala reactions (that is the mother of all anxieties), sooner or later it all comes down to it.
I was focus on amygdala and how to tame it, but little that I knew that amygdala reaction can be triggered in different ways.
As I said initially therapists were pointing at an amygdala based anxiety and disregulation
As shown in this book triggers for this type is external.
That worked well with the fact that
1 I was convinced that in my case the cause is external (environment, circumstances, etc) and I guess it was handy to blame somebody or the circumstance. It was also convenient to share blame and the illusion that it was not serious, that once the environment is ok it will all go away.
2 Therapists also told me that given the circumstances I was going trough at the time, my reactions were normal.
But for me still something didn't add up (even if externaly I didn't show it), something was not ok, despite of some periods of improved reactions and control, results were way less than consistent while my answer was rationalizing, and that of course is not satisfactory.
With time, becoming more aware and honest with myself, I could not find any specific trigger to blame as a cause, triggers seemed to show out of the blue and always different.
An example of what often happened: I was alone in the house for the day, waiting for my wife to come home, I love her very much and couldn't wait to see her, however once she was home, tension started, I became irritable without her doing anything to frustrate me. I couldn't point anything at her (actually I did but that was wrong) and was also absurd that thinking all day how happy I would be to see her, all of a sudden when she was there I started a fight that I didn't want or need. At some point I had concluded she is my trigger, but that didn't go well with the fact that in general I was happy with her, and miss her all day.
With amygdala anxiety, triggers are typically external, a spider, the view of a needle, a smell, a sound, a person etc so she seemed a good fit to take the blame.
I started to realize that I was looking for fake triggers just to fit an answer, one to justify a convenient but otherwise incorrect conclusion.
I couldn't find triggers because they didn't exist or not outside my head, my problem was not an amygdala type of anxiety and disregulation, but due to cortex activity that, in response triggered the amygdala. Triggers were not external, triggers were in my head. I was building thoughts in my head, and the blame on external triggers was just an excuse, (a wrong but convenient answer to a search for something that was missing because I was looking in the wrong place). It wasn't my wife, it could have been anything, I was just waiting for something that may look good enough as a trigger and "enable" me to react
I did change therapists again, followed an intensive DBT program, things got significantly better with constant meditation but still a link was missing. Then I did change the therapist again, and finally she pointed that my reactions origin is in cortex. I was not triggered by external factors, circumstances or people around me, those were just scape goat triggers, the problem was my cortex triggering amygdala due to overthinking, perfectionism catastrophizing and other happening in my cortex area.
I stopped looking for someone to blame, or explaining trough circumstaces. I started to take a hard honest look at what was going in my head (or my cortex)
I also started to read more about. This book confirms my latest therapist hypothesis.
I understood, and I believe I have now much better idea.
Once I understood, progress was quite fast and solid- this is how I am, once I understand things are flowing a good pace. I was working on the right person, me as individual, not looking around to find excuses.
For me it worked, I am much better but most important I do feel now the peace that I am doing the right thing, that the missing links were found and I am close. I don't have anymore the feeling in my gut that I am walking but not exactly moving. It is all more clear and peaceful in me. Not saying always, but even when I feel I might overreact most of the time I can control it with an ease that wasn't possible before, I don't take things so personal, I don't let myself transported by the river of emotions but rather observe them and say to myself "the hell with them, they are just thoughts". I also come back to base line much sooner.
I wish I had read this book 2 years ago. Or maybe I wasn't ready.
My point for those with emotional disregulations, anxiety and panic attacks is: don't quit, if things don't work, look at them from a different perspective, change therapists, read and ask your therapist questions but mainly take a honest careful look at yourself and don't let yourself fooled by half truths or things that make you feel better but are not effective. Things can be fixed believe me or at least made better, significantly better, but one must want, really want to get better.
This book will help not only with anxiety so read it!
I will read it again in a little while.