When I Grow Up

by Juliana Hatfield

By the early nineties, singer-songwriter and former Blake Babies member Juliana Hatfield’s solo career was taking She was on the cover of Spin and Sassy . Ben Stiller directed the video for her song ""Spin the Bottle"" from the Reality Bites film soundtrack. Then, after canceling a European tour to treat severe depression and failing to produce another ""hit,"" she spent a decade releasing well reviewed albums on indie labels and performing in ever-smaller clubs. A few years ago, she found herself reading the New Yorker on a filthy couch in the tiny dressing room of a punk club and asked, ""Why am I still doing this?"" By turns wryly funny and woundingly sincere, When I Grow Up takes you behind the scenes of rock life as Hatfield recounts her best and worst days, the origins of her songs, the source of her woes, and her quest to find a new purpose in life.

Genres: Music, Memoir, Nonfiction, Biography, Rock N Roll, Biography Memoir, Audiobook

336 pages, Hardcover

First published August 20, 2008

About the author

Juliana Hatfield (born July 27, 1967 in Wiscasset, Maine, United States), is an American guitarist/singer-songwriter from the Boston area, formerly of the indie rock band Blake Babies. She currently lives in Cambridge, Massachusetts.

Reviews

[Ciara · Rating 1 out of 5]

i'm sorry, i really didn't like this. if we are being honest, i have to admit that i've never really been into juliana hatfield's music, but i guess i have respected the fact that she has continued to do her thing for a good long time. plus, she is a boston musician, & i like to read about the boston music scene, since i live here & all. but this was a real disappointment.

it's structured in a really bizarre way. the overwhelming majority of the book is a kind of tour diary of a tour she went on with her band some girls...maybe in 2004? it was only a month, but it got so tedious. it read like a diary, which could be cool--a candid look behind the scenes, you know. but instead, it was a boring diary. she recounted entire bizarre conversations in the van with her crew & bandmates, which didn't really go anywhere & didn't add anything to the story. these chapters were mixed in with recollections about juliana's earlier life, going to the berklee school of music, starting the blake babies, starting to become popular as a solo artist, being dropped from atlantic, starting her own label to release her music. lest any of this sound interesting, be forewarned: it's not. juliana somehow managed to take all the elements of a potentially good story & make them tedious & insufferable.

& to top it off, i know it's a memoir & everything, but...i didn't like juliana. i haven't read enough interviews with her to know if she comes across as this unlikeable in general, but i think if you come across as so unlikeable in your own memoir, you're doing something wrong. she recounts a conversation in the tour van in which she insists that people with weight problems are weak people who can't control their food consumption. she goes to great lengths to make sure she doesn't say that they are BAD people, but she does say that she thinks that they should feel bad for not being able to control their eating. this really, really bothered me. there are a lot of reasons why someone might be a little heavy, & not all of them involve over-eating or making unhealthy food choices. & if we want to get into unhealthy food choices, i hardly think juliana is in any position to point fingers, as she admits in her memoir to being anorexic. this is obvious, as she writes about eating a clif bar every morning for breakfast, a single serving packet of peanuts for lunch, no snacking, & maybe some vegetable soup or something for dinner. she spends the entire book stressing out about her body, how to dress for shows, trying to decide whether or not to show skin. one chapter is devoted to trying to choose an outfit to wear onstage when she knows a photographer is going to be in the audience, so she can have a record of the fact that she had "a hot body" when she was in her 30s. i'm sorry, i just found this all really sick. 5'7" & 110 pounds is not a "hot body". the phots in the book make her look ill & emaciated. the fact that the book was practically a how-to on being anorexic, while juliana acknowledges that her fan base is comprised of a statistical percentage of emotionally wounded self-injurers, just seems irresponsible.

i really hated reading this book. the depressed mindset & the self-loathing really got to me. i am generally a pretty confident girl, but i found myself looking critically in the mirror, feeling fat, feeling ugly. it was not good for me. i just didn't get this book & really don't recommend it to anyone.

[Kirk · Rating 4 out of 5]

I tried to snag a free copy of this last weekend, but the Wiley sales rep at the trade show I was at obviously saw through my disguise of mature, gray-haired reflection and took me for the slobbering girl-rock fanboy I am. Not even proclaiming my eternal love for Juliana's 1992 classic Hey Babe could melt the woman's heart. So I sent over the Sig-O to strike up a little sisterly empathy and, lo and behold, the book came to her place yesterday courtesy of the mail.

I spent the night reading the first 50 pages. Interesting rock bio, especially since JH gets into the nitty-gritty of drink-ticket distribution, crappy bar sound systems, and the prospect of randomly making out with mowhawked male fans. I would have read more but I was suddenly distracted trying to reach my barber to see how soon he could get me in for a temple shaving. More to follow.

UPDATE (10/12/08): Finished it yesterday. Much better than the usual rock memoir. The narrative is structured around Hatfield's increasing disillusionment with live performances during a humblingly small tour with her sometime band Some Girls. There is a lot of behind-the-scenes glimpses of how weird it must indeed be in one's late 30s to perform for $1000-1500 a night in stinky clubs with bad PAs. There are flashbacks to Hatfield's early 90s glory days, when she knew she was not destined to be a radio friendly unit shifter. The ambivalence toward celebrity is refreshing, and the insights into the writing of much-loved songs---"Ugly," "My Sister," "Spin the Bottle," and my personal fave, "Nirvana"---is interesting. I didn't necessarily buy the happy ending that after a year without writing a song JH's creativity exploded and she recorded her best album yet---2008's How to Walk Away. In fact, I smelled a bit of a tie-in. The CD is good, but not better than Hey Babe, which is probably her best and freshest (as I suspect she herself would admit). The most interesting chapter here is the one on her lost album, God's Foot, inspired by a line from Moby-Dick. (I knew there was a reason I love JH).

JH confirms a couple of rumors while denying others: yes, she was a virgin still in the Hey Babe era. No, she didn't fuck Evan Dando (who cares?). Yes, she did (does?) suffer from anorexia.

Interesting side note: This is Wiley's second high profile bid in the music-books business after Don Felder's bio this past spring. Props to a publisher known more for reference and academic stuff for getting into rock books.

[David · Rating 4 out of 5]

I had the pleasure of speaking to Juliana Hatfield briefly while she was promoting the Beautiful Creature/Juliana's Pony: Total System Failure albums. She was doing a string of in-stores for Newbury Comics and I happened to be working at one at the time.

I wasn't a fan of her music until the album Bed was released. I found the quirky-alterna-girl narratives of songs like "My Sister" and "Spin the Bottle" to be fun but lacking longevity. Listening to Bed changed that for me. With the release of Beautiful Creature two years later, I reassessed all my expectations and preconceived notions of Juliana Hatfield.

I believe this is what the book hopes to accomplish; clarifying the difference between Juliana the 90's baby-sister, Juliana the independent musician, and Juliana the person. These are three different people that often come at odds.

I remember hearing rumors that she was difficult, or a snob, or whatever. Part of what Hatfield did in writing this book was she unveiled the shape of that "snobbery" as insecurity and social awkwardness. Before she arrived for the in-store I believed what I heard and was anticipating a cold, rock-princess. I didn't want her to be, but I was bracing myself. I liked her music, I told my friends to come, I had been pushing the Beautiful Creature album to anyone who would listen and I didn't want to be let down.

And I wasn't.

I must say I did read this book wondering if the interaction I remembered would be written down in a way she remembered. It wasn't. But it didn't have to be. Hatfield wrote of instances in meeting strangers; a clerk at a bookstore, fan's after shows, notes left behind. Each was heavy in her very honest and often conflicted thought process, something one hopes for in a memoir.

This book was wonderfully laid out, cutting between a tour-in-progress with reminisces about the past with the Blake Babies, her solo fame, and the drought after the Telecommunications Act of 1996. This is one memoir one doesn’t read for gossip or personal details or scathing opinions and secrets. It’s a look back at her life, an explanation of material edited from glamour-fashion-music magazines, a peek inside an individual who can “pluck a melody from the ether” in such a way as to connect and effect strangers. This is the kind of memoir I enjoy reading. Honesty about creativity, social interaction, disappointment, and success.

On a side note, I went to open the book and wanted to listen to music while I read. I decided to play Brian Eno: Ambient 1: Music for Airports. After reading two pages in from where I left off Hatfield writes how she was in the Hollywood Amoeba looking for that very album but they didn’t have it so she bought Music for Films instead. At first, I was shocked at the coincidence and then I shrugged it off, smiled, and appreciated that Hatfield once again has left me with a story vaulting the passive wall between musician and listener.

Recommend: Bed, Beautiful Creature, and How To Walk Away

[Patrick · Rating 5 out of 5]

So I'm not her biggest fan, I only have the "Become What You Are" album, but when I saw she wrote an autobiography, it piqued my curiosity, and my expectations were EXTREMELY exceeded. I had no idea she was capable of something this interesting and insightful. The chapters alternate from daily journal entries on her then-current tour and a history of her rise to semi-prominence with the hit single, "My Sister." A lot of the writing isn't even about music, it's just biographical musings from a fellow lone wolf. Juliana describes the highs and lows of touring, the joy of writing a song, depression, the futility of love/relationships (especially with musicians with addiction problems), eating disorders, stalkers, diminishing audiences, annoying promoters, etc. She dishes, disses, and dismisses some of her contemporaries (not always naming names, which was annoying), calls out the evils of the major labels, Clinton's corporate-media-consolidating Telecommunications Act, and Clear Channel, this book covers a lot of interesting subjects. There's even a chapter just on how much she liked the Replacements/Paul Westerberg. A must-read for any Gen Xers who came of age during the "alt-rock boom" of the 90's. I liked this so much I would rank it among my favorites documenting that period--"Our Band Could be Your Life: Scenes from the American Indie Underground 1981-1991," "Route 666: On the Road to Nirvana," and "Fool the World: An Oral History of the Pixies."

[Chriso · Rating 4 out of 5]

I just finished this book today and found it inspiring, engrossing, confounding, frustrating and highly relatable. Juliana Hatfield has always been a polarizing figure and has never shied away baring her soul, contradictions and all, for everyone to hear or see. The memoir is half tour diary - chronicling her first venture with her 3 piece band Some Girls - and half reflecting on the history of her career up until that point. She writes openly about struggling with her waning interest in her musical career as well as her waning audience sizes in her post-alt rock stardom years. She's painfully candid about her struggles with depression, anorexia and social anxiety and incredibly rhapsodic about her love for making music.

I've always identified with and related to a lot of Hatfield's music. She can be alternately morose and self-deprecating, witty and acerbic, heartfelt and idealistic. I find myself wrestling with a lot of them same subjects as she in my music making and I've always admired her unflinching candor, even when it's made me flinch. She also clearly over-analyzes shit in her head, another trait I can really relate to. And she also managed to craft and infinitely readable memoir. She's not always putting herself in the best light, which I think is great. Because who's interested in someone's picture perfect presentation of their own life? That's what Facebook is for. A must read for Juliana Hatfield fans and fans of any indie/underground/DIY musicians, especially those who got swept up in the 90s alt rock frenzy only to be dumped out the other end, dazed and unsure of where they fit in the world of music.

[Hubert · Rating 3 out of 5]

It's always exciting to read about the inner life of a musician, whether one with high level of international visibility, or someone who's appeal (and reach) is more limited. Juliana Hatfield falls into the latter category. The verve, raw honesty, and tenacity with which she unveils some of her most heartfelt thoughts on being a touring artist is much appreciated. Narratives of her battle against depression and eating disorders unveil an artist who struggles with public scrutiny and a certain amount of insecurity, when performing on stage.

Structurally, I didn't think the alternation between the narrative of the particular tour her band did in the early 00s; and other aspects of her life, worked that well. I'm not sure why - it's a tried and true technique that memoir writers (and fiction authors) have used successfully. Maybe because most of the tropes of the indy band touring can be found here, and are extremely predictable (bad food, a van, dodgy motels, dark nightclubs, and fights among crewmates and band members).

The prose could have been edited more carefully as well. Some material is particularly insightful ("[O]ther songs ... are like woodland sprites that jump out from behind a tree and dare you to try to catch them as they giggle and run away ..." (p. 100)). Others are too ordinary and border on cliché ("Fantasies are visions of perfection and they serve as escapes from the recurring letdowns and disappointments of reality." (p. 131)). More elaboration of her creative processes would have been helpful.

Overall, a solid contribution to the voices of indy musicians from the 90s-00s, but one can't help whether the narrator's life is more interesting to live in, than it is to read about.

[Paige · Rating 2 out of 5]

Juliana Hatfield has always been one of my favorite musicians, whom I've followed religiously for almost two decades (she, along with Tori Amos and Liz Phair, made up the triad of my pre-teen obsession. The latter two declined significantly in their personal appeal to me, while Juliana remained pretty much true and unwavering.)

Reading this book, I had the harsh realization that as much as Juliana may speak to me in song, we probably would not connect well as people. Hearing her speak in her most honest voice about her day to day life, I find her tedious, whiny, defensive and socially awkward in a way that makes me uncomfortable. It sucks to see my long time idol in this light, especially when I still relish her music and don't want that to be tinged.

While I'm not into the tour diary parts of the book, I do like the pieces of which delve into her past and when she first enjoyed some stardom in the early '90s. She writes about her photo shoot for Sassy magazine, the article where I first read about her. Seeing this article was a memorable turning point in my life - as an adolescent, a budding musician, someone dreaming about the possibilities of me someday wearing a hip leather jacket and carrying an electric guitar on some gritty city streets. I still have the clip and recently referenced it when I was interviewed about the impact that magazine made on my life.

So Juliana as the musician - yes, always.
Juliana as the person - beautiful, honest - but sadly not generally my cup of tea.

[Laurel · Rating 4 out of 5]

hatfield is a story-teller.

the first time i really heard "my sister" i cried because i knew i was the older sister who would leave my kid sisters behind and be too fucked up to come through on my promises to take them to all-ages shows. i think i heard the song on daria and then d/l'ed from napster. although i do remember hearing it in the car as a child.

the book is compelling, even if hatfield's constant complaints about touring start to wear by the end. her prose is really quite literary and charming. i wish amy poehler would write a book like this.

i still haven't found a website where we can all contribute theories and share context clues matched with wikipedia entries to find out who all of juliana's unnamed rock star boyfriends are. FEMINISTS UNITE FOR GOSSIP.

and you know what? once my sister heather was old enough, i took her to a few all-ages shows.

[Nicholas Beck · Rating 3 out of 5]

I last saw Juliana Hatfield live in the mid 90's, couldn't quite bring myself to see her as support on a recent Soul Asylum tour. This memoir is both endearing and exhausting. Juliana as she freely admits suffers from social anxiety, occasional bouts of depression and anorexia. This can wear on the reader's patience after a while. Add years of touring mid-level clubs once her initial success wore off and the potential for disaster is imminent.

However for all her failings and struggles, Juliana Hatfield has persevered and charted a fairly successful long-term career with this book another notch on her achievement. I've always felt that she has an absolute genius for melody and a pop hook like few others and I was extremely pleased to see that she feels the same way about melody as noted in her book.

If you have never listened to her music this book is not necessarily going to send you in that direction, (I suggest heading to You Tube immediately) and if you are familiar with her music, this book will hit the spot and perhaps confirm that a conversation with Juliana at the merch table might be a little awkward. Read the book instead and go and and see her in concert next time she comes around (not that often these days).

[patty · Rating 2 out of 5]

No comment.

[Christine · Rating 2 out of 5]

This is not a well-written book. There are a lot of details about Juliana's meals while on tour or mundane conversations that just don't add anything. Get this girl an editor!
There are definitely a lot of interesting details as well, although names were changed or not mentioned whenever anything juicy came up, and that was frustrating. The entire chapter on Paul W. could have been cut down to a paragraph, and, as another reviewer said, HOW ABOUT TELLING US ABOUT WHEN YOU ACTUALLY MET PAUL, JULIANA?! Jeez. There are several times in the book when JH brought something up and I expected her to follow up later on, but then NOTHING.

Juliana is certainly honest about all her insecurities, and I can relate to her as a human being. Though she had major struggles with anorexia and depression, they were just briefly mentioned in the book.

Reading over and over about JH's bad moods brought on by low blood sugar just became annoying.

I also wish that Juliana would have named the vegan restaurant that she visited in Iowa City (her blood sugar was low and she was very grumpy but then she discovered a great vegan place that made her want to live again). It had to have been The Red Avocado, for anyone who might want to visit.

I would still recommend reading this, but if you're anything like me, be prepared to be annoyed.

[Will White · Rating 4 out of 5]

I listened to the Blake Babies in college and thought they were the one of the best alternative bands back then and still do. I kept following Hatfield after she split to start a solo career. I was always enchanted with her lyrics and voice. The book further opened her personality and life to the reader. It also includes a narrative of life as a lead singer of an alternative band on the road, in the recording studio, magazine interviews, and more. I also appreciated the stories about her encounters with other bands such as The Replacements.
I would recommend this book to anyone who watched MTV's 120 minutes (Alternative Music) back in the early 90's.
I am a huge fan of Juliana Hatfield and cannot thank my wife enough for going with me to see her perform recently. She still sounds great and can still rock better than the any of the kids these days.

[Timothy · Rating 3 out of 5]

Realistic view about life on the road, touring with a band---travel, grumpiness, eating, cheap places to stay etc...realistic, but not that interesting.

The background of her times in various places in her life, her family and musical lessons in life brought this book up by a star and a half.

[Courtney Smith · Rating 3 out of 5]

If you have kids and they think they want to be in a band or be a pop singer but you think it's a terrible idea, get them this book.

[Richard O'Hagan · Rating 3 out of 5]

A little bit out of date and the self-pitying tone grates at times, but still an interesting insight into life on the road when your music career hasn't really reached the heights you had hoped for.

[Rebecca Hyland · Rating 4 out of 5]

I only knew a few Juliana Hatfield songs from her biggest early '90s hits ("My Sister," "Spin the Bottle"), but I'm a big sucker for music books and nostalgia. The perspective of an introverted, independent female rock star on a middlingly successful tour is a refreshing change of pace from the druggy, arrogant dudebros of rock whose stories have been done to death. She's a better than average writer, particularly for a rock bio, and has a nice way of painting a picture and distilling a moment without getting too bogged down in details. For example:

On describing an unnamed Iowa City bar (page 134): "The venue was a sports bar with zero charm or personality, shabby with years of accumulated grime. Neon beer signs hung on the walls, and under our feet was kind of a cheap, gray, industrial wall-to-wall matting that covers the floors of so many college-town hangouts, worn thin, stinking up the room with all the spilled beers and crushed-out cigarette butts that had been absorbed into it through the years."

On her teenage crush on Paul Westerberg (page 146): "His clothes were scruffy, secondhand, but he wore them with panache. Westerberg's bearing was simultaneously regal and slightly dissolute, like a descendant of an aristocracy that had lost all its money and social standing, but not the blood and pride."

The chapters alternate between her later career tour with her band Some Girls (I think 2004? The book is from 2008) and the history of her career in general. I would've liked to read more about the formation of her first band, Blake Babies. A lot of the tour stuff could've been trimmed to make room for it, although I could see what she was getting at, showing how tedious road life could be. She had highs like touring with Jeff Buckley, being asked to go on tour with Paul Westerberg (although he wound up canceling the tour), and singing on stage with John Doe and Exene Cervenka. The lows include getting dropped by Atlantic Records, a seemingly endless stream of crappy hotel rooms and sound systems, the occasional creepy fan, and anxiety attacks (although I suppose that last one isn't totally related to success or lack thereof).

A lot of readers seemed put off by how snippy and abrupt she could be, but it seemed like an accurate reflection of depression. Man, she really didn't forget any perceived slight or tense moment. That's the kind of thing that makes for great artists but also feels kind of exhausting to live with day to day. Hypervigilance is I guess what they'd call it in therapy. Sometimes the angsty tone made me feel a bit like you were reading someone's Livejournal (but the Livejournal of a very good writer. Also, I'm a big fan of Livejournal to this day, even though I get how it's a bit cheesy and emo). She was self-aware of her flaws, but didn't seem to have reached the point of, "And here are the coping mechanisms I've learned" (other than anti-depressants).

The chapters on her parents' marriage explained a lot about her fear of relationships. The pattern modeled was that "normal" relationships feel stifling, and passionate relationships blow up in your face (because of an attraction to charming but unstable people). I was curious who "RJ" was, the unnamed famous rock star she had an affair with, meeting up in hotel rooms when they get the chance and their tours crossed paths. I suppose if she wanted to share his real name, she would; but it's interesting enough in a general sense to see how relationships play out in that kind of lifestyle.

I enjoyed the book and I really admire her attitude of, "This is who I am and what I do" no matter the ups and downs of her career.

[Sharlotte Halls · Rating 1 out of 5]

I persevered and read all this book but unfortunately I didn’t really enjoy the insight into the person Juliana is/is presenting. She has very fixed ways of thinking and finds life difficult. Although she frequently states it is her passion to be a musician, from this book it appears she gets very little enjoyment out of the realities of being a musician at all. Although, to a certain extent, that can be expected of any job, her dissatisfaction felt intense. I don’t think this was her intention when writing the book but it felt strong to me having read it quickly over a couple of days. It did make me wonder why she wanted to be a performer as well as a song writer - she may have had more happiness just being the latter.

Interestingly, she also decides to include conversations with her band members and touring crew (a road manager and a merchant guy). Remembered conversations are difficult in autobiographies because they are only from one person’s point of view and sometimes she comes across as quite unpleasant to the people she is around - I definitely felt sorry for some of the people she travelled with on several occasions! There are occasions when she reflects on her difficulties in being with others, though the reflections are quite shallow on the whole. On other occasions, the conversations seem to be intended to prove she was right about an incident or a situation and that makes for uncomfortable reading. She seems to be quite a conflicted character and at times expresses unsympathetic and uninformed views on others, eg, the difficult discussion where she chastises people with weight issues and drug and alcohol problems for just being weak and having no discipline. She is both tough on other people and tough on herself - it’s clearly no picnic being inside her head, and she struggles with compassion for herself and others. Fans she seems quite suspicious of too. I did appreciate the honesty when she talked about depression and restricted eating but these sections were short and had no proper exploration about how she had helped herself, and therefore offered little opportunity to get closer to her.

I was a casual fan of Juliana’s music a while back and so was keen to read this book and continue to support her output. Unfortunately, I really didn’t enjoy it at all, which is a shame. Skipping between the different timeframes didn’t bother me as much as it did some other reviewers - more so, it was the overwhelming negativity from her writing that I felt. I did think it would deal with a lot of difficult experiences from her life (as biographies/autobiographies often do) but it would possibly have benefitted from some more editing and more balance in what she was trying to communicate.

[Karen · Rating 4 out of 5]

I wasn't sure to what to expect when I picked this up. I was in this particular section of the library to check out Kathleen Hanna's memoir, but there was this book and I was like "oh, I didn't realize she wrote a memoir" so I thought "well I was always a fan" and grabbed this instead. Turns out, one of the themes of the book is legacy and remembrance vs. obscurity. Other themes: rock stardom for women, touring as a small band, love for and disillusionment with one's work, family chosen and blood, life in general, and growing up (duh). Also turns out calling me a fan might be an understatement: when I went to find an album of hers to listen to while reading, I realized I own 10 solo albums, plus 2 Some Girls and 1 Blake Babies.

So perhaps I'm a little biased? So what. I really enjoyed it. The tone was warm, open, honest, and bit like a whispered chat with a close friend. As a young Gen Xer I was often transported back to the 90s alt scene (and to trying to keep following it in the early 2000s, before streaming and before I could afford home internet and after radio largely went to shit). As the significant other to a musician, the music performance and tour bits were interesting and illuminating and occasionally horrifying. And for those who wanted more tea spilled, too bad. It's a memoir, not a tell-all, and we're all entitled to keep things to ourselves.

If you're a fan, a Gen Xer, a small-time musician busting your hump, you owe it to yourself to read this book. While obviously things have changed since this was published, this is still a gem.

[Scott Hamilton · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was a huge fan of Blake Babies and Juliana Hatfield's early work, and of course I was aware of her depression and eating issues. That didn't prepare me for the whinefest that this book turned out to be, nor the constant rationalization and denial—and claims (reminders to herself, really) of being happy and fortunate every few pages. I really enjoyed the straight autobiographical content, as well as the tour diary it could have and should have been (a la Ian Hunter's "Diary of a Rock 'n' Roll Star," which I just finished). Juliana's a really good writer, and those parts, I breezed through. But the rest got really old really fast, especially since by all appearances Juliana's problems have worsened since this book was published, despite her attempt to provide a happy, optimistic ending. On Page 270, she describe her father's tough love approach to whining, adding that, "I guess I learned not to complain. Or at least to feel bad about it when I do." Two pages later, she's describing "Bed" as her "I hate the music biz" album and describing all the reasons why she does. Three pages after that, she's describing—no, complaining about—yet another undelivered rider and another disappointing nightclub. And so it goes, throughout the book, which got really tedious and left her claims a few pages later that she knew how fortunate she was to have even a small legion of devoted fans and the ability to support herself through her music sounding really hollow and empty.

[Zachary · Rating 3 out of 5]

When I Grow Up is mostly about how miserable it is to be Juliana Hatfield. And you know, that's fair enough. Hatfield's struggles are real. She's lived with depression, social anxiety, anorexia, and other issues. She's persisted in a music career that's had more downs than ups. It must be tough to be Juliana Hatfield sometimes. On the plus side, she still makes good albums and she's a talented writer. This book is broken up into two roughly parallel threads, one follows a 2002 tour with her sort of side project band, Some Girls, the other is a mostly chronological account of her career. There is one glaring absence from the book. Hatfield barely mentions Evan Dando and the Lemonheads, despite having played bass on their break-out record and having plenty of joint appearances with Dando in the years since. The press have always cast Hatfield as living in Dando's shadow, so I can understand why she doesn't touch on him much in this book. But it is an obvious omission. I met Juliana Hatfield in 1995 or 96 and she was just as uncomfortable and weird as her book suggests.

[Karen · Rating 4 out of 5]

I am glad I didn't take the negative reviews too seriously when I added this book to my goodreads list.

Juliana Hatfield was in her heyday when I was in my teens and really getting into music to the point where I wanted to spend my life in and around music. Unfortunately, I chose the path of 'being normal' as I didn't have the confidence in myself to go too far.

I really identified with Juliana's struggles with social anxiety and depression to the point that there were times I had to put the book down and take a breath before continuing.

While I liked reading about the tour and some of her earlier history, I wished she could have expanded on the year in which she stopped recording/writing music a little more. That part of her life was condensed into one of the last few chapters of this book. Also the jumps in time were a little confusing at certain points.

[Eric Greenwood · Rating 4 out of 5]

Hatfield is an artful and candid writer, and her memoir intersperses detailed diary entries from one tour with current self-examination. She doesn't hold back on revealing her innermost thoughts and feelings, regardless of how it portrays her sanity. She suffered deep psychological issues throughout her career, which may have altered her career trajectory. She missed a hugely important tour just as her second album for Atlantic was released to deal with corrosive depression and that seemed to stall her label's support. She was ultimately dropped (or allowed to exit her contract after begging to be dropped). Her experience in the music industry reveals the brutal nature of the major labels' search for hitmakers and what the soulless grind of touring does to a person's psyche. Ultimately, her persistence and drive allowed her to carve out a niche that suited her creative process.

[Michael · Rating 4 out of 5]

Back in college, twenty years ago, I was a fairly hardcore Hatfield listener. My interest faded over the years, but when I learned this memoir existed, I still wanted to read it. I've read plenty of rock memoirs from super successful musicians - stars, but I thought it would be interesting to see the life from a working musician's level.

As expected, when you're just getting by, you can burn out and lose the love for the thing that inspired your path. Hatfield's writing isn't always totally engaging, but it's totally and completely honest. The hardships, the "why bother?," the moments of irritation and exhaustion with your band mates and fans - she doesn't hold much back. It's a frank confession, often presenting Hatfield as petty and difficult. And more self aware than most rock tell-alls.

[Clifford · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great read. I love Juliana Hatfield. So proud of her for putting down her feelings and her stories to paper. It was great getting to know the artist and it is truely one of the only books by musicians/bands that does not BS you about life on the road. I interview a number of bands and that is a question I always ask, what is it really like on the road, sometimes traveling hundreds of miles to play a gig, sometimes in front of a handful of people? She is honest and forthright and the last couple of chapters reflect the growth of a truly mature and inspiring artist. I hope we have not heard the last from her.

[Em · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book exceeded my expectations. Even though I have been a huge fan of Juliana’s since my teens, for some reason I expected a drier, more disjointed and possibly angst-ridden memoir. Instead what she has so elegantly written is a very personal mini-bio with many revealing insights. As a performing musician myself, it was comforting to know I am not alone in all the neurotic thinking that goes on in the head of a singer/bandleader. I felt proud of Juliana when I was finished, like she somehow proved herself to be more human and down to earth than I ever imagined. And her chapter on the telecommunications act of 1994 should be included in music history books!

[Hope Crowley · Rating 4 out of 5]

I listened to the audio version of this and I neglected to see that JH was not the narrator. The person chosen had a tone and voice so at odds to the story being written that dissonance nearly ruined the book for me. Imagine the most confident version of Siri reading the inner thoughts of someone who once wrote lines like, “I’m ugly with capital U.” The chipper recitations of endless self-doubt were grating and weird. Her chapter on her depression, in spite of the narration, managed to turn my opinion around and re-evaluate what came before. JH nailed that part.

[Robin · Rating 3 out of 5]

Kind of torn on a rating 3/3.5/4 stars. I saw quirks that represented myself in here of being a loner and her take on music and art. The chapters skip around and topics deal with band experiences or discussions on the bus/van. In some of the chapters she seemed whiny/bitchy but then again she���s on tour. It was ok overall. She does put on a hell of a show and it was interesting to read her self-doubt and shyness in terms of performing and fans.

[Robert · Rating 3 out of 5]

I liked it. Long time fan of JH music, did not know she wrote a book. Have wanted to see her live for many years and recently was able to do so. The book gives a great detail of insight into everyday life for a performer on tour.

As an aside, if you see this JH, fire whomever picks your venues. You need a better promoter.

[Mark Hanner · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’ve always loved Juliana Hatfield but somehow missed a bunch of albums AND this book. Im happy to say Im all caught up. I feel like I know the real her and we’d be friends despite her general energy towards people. ( a self proclaimed loner). She is fantastic and has only grown more strong musically than when I first started listening to her.

[Daniel · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this book a fantastic read, well written and very emotional. I loved it. I thoroughly enjoyed this book.

The book format is a sort of tour diary Juliana was on with her band Some Girls but it goes in flashbacks to her Blake Babies days, her solo career, her time at Atlantic and so on.

If you are a big fan of Juliana, I think you will enjoy this book.