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Shadow Daughter: A Memoir of Estrangement
A riveting, provocative, and ultimately hopeful exploration of mother-daughter estrangement, woven with research and anecdotes, from an award-winning journalist.
The day of her mother's funeral, Harriet Brown was five thousand miles away. To say that Harriet and her mother had a difficult relationship is a wild understatement; the older Harriet grew, the more estranged they became. By the time Harriet's mom died at age 76, they were out of contact. Yet Harriet felt her death deeply, embarking on an exploration of what family estrangement means—to those who cut off contact, to those who are estranged, to the friends and family members who are on the sidelines.
Shadow Daughter tackles a subject we rarely discuss as a culture: family estrangements, especially those between parents and adult children. Estrangements—between parents and children, siblings, multiple generations—are surprisingly common, and even families that aren't officially estranged often have some experience of deep conflicts. Estrangement is an issue that touches most people, one way or another, one that's still shrouded in secrecy, stigma, and shame. In addition to her personal narrative, Harriet employs interviews with others who are estranged, as well as the most recent research on family estrangement, for a brave exploration of this taboo topic. Ultimately, Shadow Daughter is a thoughtful, deeply researched, and provocative exploration of the ties that bind and break, forgiveness, reconciliation, and what family really means.
The day of her mother's funeral, Harriet Brown was five thousand miles away. To say that Harriet and her mother had a difficult relationship is a wild understatement; the older Harriet grew, the more estranged they became. By the time Harriet's mom died at age 76, they were out of contact. Yet Harriet felt her death deeply, embarking on an exploration of what family estrangement means—to those who cut off contact, to those who are estranged, to the friends and family members who are on the sidelines.
Shadow Daughter tackles a subject we rarely discuss as a culture: family estrangements, especially those between parents and adult children. Estrangements—between parents and children, siblings, multiple generations—are surprisingly common, and even families that aren't officially estranged often have some experience of deep conflicts. Estrangement is an issue that touches most people, one way or another, one that's still shrouded in secrecy, stigma, and shame. In addition to her personal narrative, Harriet employs interviews with others who are estranged, as well as the most recent research on family estrangement, for a brave exploration of this taboo topic. Ultimately, Shadow Daughter is a thoughtful, deeply researched, and provocative exploration of the ties that bind and break, forgiveness, reconciliation, and what family really means.
288 pages, Hardcover
First published November 6, 2018
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1725 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 91 reviews
June 27, 2019
This book resonated with every cell in my body. If you have never experienced or considered family estrangement, much of what the author has to say may be difficult to understand. The research Brown has done, along with other studies she cites throughout the book, is enlightening and comforting to those of us who come from families dealing with estrangement.
Brown shares the story of her own estrangement from her mother with honesty and grace. I can only imagine how painful yet cathartic it was for her to complete this book. Her personal anecdotes are woven with research and interviews, which come together to create a heart wrenching story, as well as an excellent resource for others.
I will return to this book again and again for strategies on handling family trauma, as well as reassurance that my family and I are not alone in our pain.
Many thanks to NetGalley for my advanced copy, which I received in exchange for my honest review.
Brown shares the story of her own estrangement from her mother with honesty and grace. I can only imagine how painful yet cathartic it was for her to complete this book. Her personal anecdotes are woven with research and interviews, which come together to create a heart wrenching story, as well as an excellent resource for others.
I will return to this book again and again for strategies on handling family trauma, as well as reassurance that my family and I are not alone in our pain.
Many thanks to NetGalley for my advanced copy, which I received in exchange for my honest review.
October 2, 2018
Family estrangement is an interesting topic, but remind me never to read another book on it by an author who is obsessed with her own estrangement issues. “Obsessed” is not too strong a word, either, in my opinion. By the time I reached the final chapter, I did not want to ever read another word about Harriet Brown’s mommy issues. She even brings up the Holocaust in the next to the last chapter, while stating: “I’m not advocating for comparing family conflicts to genocide, of course.” And I’m not sure that is a totally truthful statement.
Ms. Brown was the oldest daughter of a narcissistic mother, a family role that is usually extremely difficult, to say the least, since the mother often projects her own guilt and self-condemnations on to that daughter. Yet the author got away from her mother at 16, but emotionally never seemed to get away from her mother. She seems to be a proponent of the idea that one can be permanently damaged by things that happened in early childhood, as well as a believer that there is a resilient gene some people have and some people don’t. Harriet Brown obviously did not get that useful gene. For she appears to have spent her entire adult life, or most of it, playing hurt child because she wasn’t lovingly mothered.
This is not to disregard the pain of having a narcissistic mother, and a father who just stands by doing nothing about the unfairness of it all, but you don’t spend your whole adult life going around in circles about the matter. I began to wonder if there wasn’t a reason the author basically ignored the presence of alcohol or other substance abuse in so many family estrangements. Nothing keeps everyone on the hamster wheel like alcohol or drugs. Of course, mental illness does, too, and Ms. Brown does not ignore that topic, but her mother is the only one seen as mentally ill in the family. Moreover, the author’s apparent belief that almost all estrangement between parents and adult children is the parent’s fault, is just the “hurt child” in her ignoring the reality of many family estrangements.
(Note: I received a free ARC of this book from Amazon Vine.)
Ms. Brown was the oldest daughter of a narcissistic mother, a family role that is usually extremely difficult, to say the least, since the mother often projects her own guilt and self-condemnations on to that daughter. Yet the author got away from her mother at 16, but emotionally never seemed to get away from her mother. She seems to be a proponent of the idea that one can be permanently damaged by things that happened in early childhood, as well as a believer that there is a resilient gene some people have and some people don’t. Harriet Brown obviously did not get that useful gene. For she appears to have spent her entire adult life, or most of it, playing hurt child because she wasn’t lovingly mothered.
This is not to disregard the pain of having a narcissistic mother, and a father who just stands by doing nothing about the unfairness of it all, but you don’t spend your whole adult life going around in circles about the matter. I began to wonder if there wasn’t a reason the author basically ignored the presence of alcohol or other substance abuse in so many family estrangements. Nothing keeps everyone on the hamster wheel like alcohol or drugs. Of course, mental illness does, too, and Ms. Brown does not ignore that topic, but her mother is the only one seen as mentally ill in the family. Moreover, the author’s apparent belief that almost all estrangement between parents and adult children is the parent’s fault, is just the “hurt child” in her ignoring the reality of many family estrangements.
(Note: I received a free ARC of this book from Amazon Vine.)
January 19, 2020
Pleasant to read about feelings and stories so similar to my own.
Hard to read about feelings and stories so similar to my own.
Hard to read about feelings and stories so similar to my own.
October 14, 2018
A nonfiction description of the experience of estrangement with a touch of poetry. Harriet Brown writes beautifully combining her experience with others' to illuminate this difficult problem. Her story is described with heartbreaking specificity but will lead you past the heartbreak to look at the problem as many people experience it and potential ways to live with it. She is definitely not suggesting a one-size-fits-all answer - Brown treats this timely topic with appropriate delicacy and fortitude, much like her other books. This is a book for anyone who has considered the concept of family.
Currently reading
January 13, 2020Holyfuckingshit. How did this author publish a memoir about “mother-daughter estrangement” in 2018 without me knowing about it?!
After the pathological denial and psychosis of Brave Girl Eating, could this be the followup?
Omg - I’m almost giddy to see what’s going on in this latest update from the land of crazy. Cue the mental gymnastics. 😂
More soon.
UPDATE:
Wtf? The Prologue is outstanding. Okay, there were a few small Harriet Brown-isms that made me want to scream, but the rest? Fine, you win round 1, Harriet. The intro was excellent.
Should I just stop now, lest I end up liking a Harriet Brown book? 😱
After the pathological denial and psychosis of Brave Girl Eating, could this be the followup?
Omg - I’m almost giddy to see what’s going on in this latest update from the land of crazy. Cue the mental gymnastics. 😂
More soon.
UPDATE:
Wtf? The Prologue is outstanding. Okay, there were a few small Harriet Brown-isms that made me want to scream, but the rest? Fine, you win round 1, Harriet. The intro was excellent.
Should I just stop now, lest I end up liking a Harriet Brown book? 😱
April 8, 2019
This book didn't really tell me anything I didn't know. It did help me find words to a few questions I had but it definitely did not give me answers to those questions. The book was definitely more of a you are not alone in how you feeling and there aren't really clear answer for the situation either. I enjoyed the read, it was quick and well done.
Below are some lines that I wanted to remember
Why, just because we're related by blood, do I feel this sense of duty or responsibility to take this bad treatment? 0 Mario, forty-two, estranged from a brother pg 1
For those of us who feel this way estrangement is not a problem; it's a solution, a response to an otherwise unsolvable problem. It's an extreme repose, no question about it, a last resort people choose only after they've exhausted other possibilities. pg 17
They might feel sorry they had to make those decisions in the first place, but I have yet to interview anyone who regrets their actual estrangement. pg 19
It's not like I purposely went out to stop contact with my brother. I just stopped making the effort. And that's when I realized I was the only one making the effort all along. - Rachel thirty-nine. pg 25
Maybe that's why I read estrangement stories compulsively. I am looking, I think, for reassurance that my situation was just as bad as other people's, that all the times I cut off contact with my mother were justified, reasonable responses to an unreasonable situation. But even as I write this I know this is a pointless exercise. There's no one alive who can pronounce judgment on my story, no one who can definitively say what I did was OK. Comparing myself to others is, as always, unhelpful. The guilt and rage and grief and shame I've carried for so many years are still mine to carry. They cannot be fully healed by other people's stories.
What I am really looking for, I think, is for someone to tell me I'm not evil for choosing estrangement. pg 26
generational traumas pg 27
This suggests that this mother is the only one who loves her daughter, that no one else can or will, that in the great competition of life only her love matters. And maybe therein lies the real problem between them. pg 33
It also doesn't make my sister right and me wrong, or vice versa pg 34
The problem isn't that we're unwilling to give our parents a second chance; most of us have given them hundreds of chances. The problem is that unless something changes, that fifth or fiftieth chance is just another excuse for the same kind of treatment. pg 36
That's right, and I'm going to be as happy as I can, and being away from my mother is the only way to do that pg 41-42
Would it have changed anything? I don't think so. pg 49
"I realized, Oh my god, these people don't even know who I am, they don't prioritize me, they can't see what's important to me. I just represent an object, their property."
The hardest thing, she says, has been giving up the illusion of unconditional love she once had. She misses the idea of the loving and supportive family she thought she had, or maybe once had. But she doesn't miss her actual family. pg 52
golden children pg 55
scapegoats
Many narcissistic families include one or more "golden children" who can do no wrong and at least one "scapegoat" who's typically blamed for every problem. pg 56
But the problem with looking at estrangement through this lens is that it sets up the parent-child relationship as transnational: I will support and love you as long as you do what I want and be who I want you to be. It creates a conditional relationship, which is problematic on many levels and is a common precursor of later estrangement. pg 62
she finds it both ironic and a little heartbreaking that days like Christmas and Mother's Day now bring on waves of grief. They force her to give up on the fantasy that her family will ever be like other "normal" families. pg 68
crappy parents 90 percent of the time and good parents the other 10 percent. He wondered how that all shook out. Does the 10 percent of good parenting count for more than the 90 percent of bad parenting? What if the percentages were 75 percent crappy and 25 percent good? What if it was 50/50? In other words, at what point do the crappy parts outweigh the good ones, or vice versa? pg 70
She wanted me to deny myself before I even knew exactly who I was pg 85
Even though I know what my mother was doing (though I still don't know why), her gaslighting haunts me. My first instinct always has been to discount my own observations, to assume I'm misremembering. To distrust my memories and dishonor my feelings. To gaslight myself, in a way. I can't think of a more potent example of emotional abuse than this: to teach a child that she cannot trust herself. While children can certainly hurt parents in all kids of ways, this isn't one of them. pg 87
Even a young child can feel the difference between a parent who genuinely sees her for who she is and a parent who says and does all the fight things but is blind to her essential self. pg 93
She still wories about being sucked back in. She's anxious, for example, about what will happen when her grand mother dies. If she goes to the funeral she'll have to face the whole family. If she doesn't go, if she doesn't pay her respects, maybe she'll burn in heel the way the church and her parents used to warn. She knows these worries are regressive and irrational. And she also knows they're a sign of just how important it is for her to stay estranged, to project her hard-won freedom. pg 103
When my mother asked me what she had done, how could I say it wasn't any one thing by itself but everything together? How could I tell her that while there were specific incidents that distressed me, it was more the way she looked at me, her tone of voice in talking to and about me, the disapproval and judgment she radiated in my direction? pg 127
Of course I love my mother because that's what I'm supposed to do. Maybe I was making a point: Of course I love my mother; she's the one who doesn't love me. Or drawing a distinction: of course I love my mother - I just don't like her, respect her, admire her, ever want to see her again. I don't know and I can't know now, not really. This is something a lot of estranged children grapple with: What does it mean to love someone who treats you badly? What does love even mean in that context? pg 135
"The part that I am bothered by a lot is the desire, that I still want his love," she says. "I still want it so bad. And why? I don't even want it from this person, but I do. You know?" pg 140
When people ask about her family of origin she says simply that she doesn't have one. She lets them assume that either something catastrophic happened or that her parents aged and died in the usual way. She doesn't talk about it because she doesn't want that to become her narrative. She doesn't want the estrangement and everything that let up to it to be a negative thing, a drag. pg 142
Pushing someone to reconcile with an estranged family member, especially a parents, is a lot like pushing someone to go on a diet: it's a social pressure masquerading as helpful information. pg 148
"Nobody should require weeks of self-therapy or real therapy to get over a freaking conversation with somebody. Right?" pg 149
"It's very difficult when you're grieving for people who are alive" pg 150
parents don't give you their blessing you must learn to bless yourself pg 163
Without my mothers of choice, and my husband, and the wider circle of friends who have become my family, I might never have truly felt the deep connection with other people that makes us tender and alive and human. pg 165
Who takes care of aging parents when a grown child is estranged? Who gets called in times of emergency and who doesn't? Who is allowed information about family matters and who is shut out. Whose grief is supported publicly and who has to cry alone in private? pg 171-172
That's the whole point of estrangement, after all. It's a giving up of hope, an acknowledgment that nothing more will change. Pg 172
When children show their parents only what those parents want to see, they bury not just their true feelings but also their ability to access those feelings. They lose touch with their essential selves, with their ability to experience true pain and joy and grief and excitement. The false faces they put on become their only faces. So yes, forgiveness can harm the forgiver, if it's done out of a need to conform, to appear virtuous, to please others, to win approval, rather than out of the slow and often agonizing processing of hurt and anger that leads to empathy.
Forgiveness has never had a healing effect. Pg 189
grieving and letting go. Grieving means letting yourself relive the original anger, hurt, and betrayal, really feeling it, and he told us that two years was plenty of time to work through those feelings. When we hang on to hurt and resentment for longer than that, when we get stuck in rage and helplessness, he suggested, we're having a kind of cosmic tantrum, throwing a hissy fit about not getting something we want. pg 195
Forgiveness, he said, is about the gap between what we want and think we're entitled to and what is. There is no such thing as fair, and the sooner we're clear about that the better. Forgiveness is one way-the best way- re respond to a world that owes us nothing. pg 196
who's estranged from her mother, says she absolutely forgives her. It's just that she's not going to let her mother abuse her again.
"I have forgiven her," she adds "I just don't want to be around her." She no longer thinks of her mother as a kind of evil monster; instead she sees her as somehow broken, someone who hates herself so much that she can't help lashing out at others. pg 199
Below are some lines that I wanted to remember
Why, just because we're related by blood, do I feel this sense of duty or responsibility to take this bad treatment? 0 Mario, forty-two, estranged from a brother pg 1
For those of us who feel this way estrangement is not a problem; it's a solution, a response to an otherwise unsolvable problem. It's an extreme repose, no question about it, a last resort people choose only after they've exhausted other possibilities. pg 17
They might feel sorry they had to make those decisions in the first place, but I have yet to interview anyone who regrets their actual estrangement. pg 19
It's not like I purposely went out to stop contact with my brother. I just stopped making the effort. And that's when I realized I was the only one making the effort all along. - Rachel thirty-nine. pg 25
Maybe that's why I read estrangement stories compulsively. I am looking, I think, for reassurance that my situation was just as bad as other people's, that all the times I cut off contact with my mother were justified, reasonable responses to an unreasonable situation. But even as I write this I know this is a pointless exercise. There's no one alive who can pronounce judgment on my story, no one who can definitively say what I did was OK. Comparing myself to others is, as always, unhelpful. The guilt and rage and grief and shame I've carried for so many years are still mine to carry. They cannot be fully healed by other people's stories.
What I am really looking for, I think, is for someone to tell me I'm not evil for choosing estrangement. pg 26
generational traumas pg 27
This suggests that this mother is the only one who loves her daughter, that no one else can or will, that in the great competition of life only her love matters. And maybe therein lies the real problem between them. pg 33
It also doesn't make my sister right and me wrong, or vice versa pg 34
The problem isn't that we're unwilling to give our parents a second chance; most of us have given them hundreds of chances. The problem is that unless something changes, that fifth or fiftieth chance is just another excuse for the same kind of treatment. pg 36
That's right, and I'm going to be as happy as I can, and being away from my mother is the only way to do that pg 41-42
Would it have changed anything? I don't think so. pg 49
"I realized, Oh my god, these people don't even know who I am, they don't prioritize me, they can't see what's important to me. I just represent an object, their property."
The hardest thing, she says, has been giving up the illusion of unconditional love she once had. She misses the idea of the loving and supportive family she thought she had, or maybe once had. But she doesn't miss her actual family. pg 52
golden children pg 55
scapegoats
Many narcissistic families include one or more "golden children" who can do no wrong and at least one "scapegoat" who's typically blamed for every problem. pg 56
But the problem with looking at estrangement through this lens is that it sets up the parent-child relationship as transnational: I will support and love you as long as you do what I want and be who I want you to be. It creates a conditional relationship, which is problematic on many levels and is a common precursor of later estrangement. pg 62
she finds it both ironic and a little heartbreaking that days like Christmas and Mother's Day now bring on waves of grief. They force her to give up on the fantasy that her family will ever be like other "normal" families. pg 68
crappy parents 90 percent of the time and good parents the other 10 percent. He wondered how that all shook out. Does the 10 percent of good parenting count for more than the 90 percent of bad parenting? What if the percentages were 75 percent crappy and 25 percent good? What if it was 50/50? In other words, at what point do the crappy parts outweigh the good ones, or vice versa? pg 70
She wanted me to deny myself before I even knew exactly who I was pg 85
Even though I know what my mother was doing (though I still don't know why), her gaslighting haunts me. My first instinct always has been to discount my own observations, to assume I'm misremembering. To distrust my memories and dishonor my feelings. To gaslight myself, in a way. I can't think of a more potent example of emotional abuse than this: to teach a child that she cannot trust herself. While children can certainly hurt parents in all kids of ways, this isn't one of them. pg 87
Even a young child can feel the difference between a parent who genuinely sees her for who she is and a parent who says and does all the fight things but is blind to her essential self. pg 93
She still wories about being sucked back in. She's anxious, for example, about what will happen when her grand mother dies. If she goes to the funeral she'll have to face the whole family. If she doesn't go, if she doesn't pay her respects, maybe she'll burn in heel the way the church and her parents used to warn. She knows these worries are regressive and irrational. And she also knows they're a sign of just how important it is for her to stay estranged, to project her hard-won freedom. pg 103
When my mother asked me what she had done, how could I say it wasn't any one thing by itself but everything together? How could I tell her that while there were specific incidents that distressed me, it was more the way she looked at me, her tone of voice in talking to and about me, the disapproval and judgment she radiated in my direction? pg 127
Of course I love my mother because that's what I'm supposed to do. Maybe I was making a point: Of course I love my mother; she's the one who doesn't love me. Or drawing a distinction: of course I love my mother - I just don't like her, respect her, admire her, ever want to see her again. I don't know and I can't know now, not really. This is something a lot of estranged children grapple with: What does it mean to love someone who treats you badly? What does love even mean in that context? pg 135
"The part that I am bothered by a lot is the desire, that I still want his love," she says. "I still want it so bad. And why? I don't even want it from this person, but I do. You know?" pg 140
When people ask about her family of origin she says simply that she doesn't have one. She lets them assume that either something catastrophic happened or that her parents aged and died in the usual way. She doesn't talk about it because she doesn't want that to become her narrative. She doesn't want the estrangement and everything that let up to it to be a negative thing, a drag. pg 142
Pushing someone to reconcile with an estranged family member, especially a parents, is a lot like pushing someone to go on a diet: it's a social pressure masquerading as helpful information. pg 148
"Nobody should require weeks of self-therapy or real therapy to get over a freaking conversation with somebody. Right?" pg 149
"It's very difficult when you're grieving for people who are alive" pg 150
parents don't give you their blessing you must learn to bless yourself pg 163
Without my mothers of choice, and my husband, and the wider circle of friends who have become my family, I might never have truly felt the deep connection with other people that makes us tender and alive and human. pg 165
Who takes care of aging parents when a grown child is estranged? Who gets called in times of emergency and who doesn't? Who is allowed information about family matters and who is shut out. Whose grief is supported publicly and who has to cry alone in private? pg 171-172
That's the whole point of estrangement, after all. It's a giving up of hope, an acknowledgment that nothing more will change. Pg 172
When children show their parents only what those parents want to see, they bury not just their true feelings but also their ability to access those feelings. They lose touch with their essential selves, with their ability to experience true pain and joy and grief and excitement. The false faces they put on become their only faces. So yes, forgiveness can harm the forgiver, if it's done out of a need to conform, to appear virtuous, to please others, to win approval, rather than out of the slow and often agonizing processing of hurt and anger that leads to empathy.
Forgiveness has never had a healing effect. Pg 189
grieving and letting go. Grieving means letting yourself relive the original anger, hurt, and betrayal, really feeling it, and he told us that two years was plenty of time to work through those feelings. When we hang on to hurt and resentment for longer than that, when we get stuck in rage and helplessness, he suggested, we're having a kind of cosmic tantrum, throwing a hissy fit about not getting something we want. pg 195
Forgiveness, he said, is about the gap between what we want and think we're entitled to and what is. There is no such thing as fair, and the sooner we're clear about that the better. Forgiveness is one way-the best way- re respond to a world that owes us nothing. pg 196
who's estranged from her mother, says she absolutely forgives her. It's just that she's not going to let her mother abuse her again.
"I have forgiven her," she adds "I just don't want to be around her." She no longer thinks of her mother as a kind of evil monster; instead she sees her as somehow broken, someone who hates herself so much that she can't help lashing out at others. pg 199
Read
December 17, 2019I only needed to read the prologue to this book to know that I didn't want to continue. As one reviewer wrote, "remind me never to read another book...by an author who is obsessed with her own estrangement issues." I have a family member that falls into this camp, and at 63, still can't take responsibility for any role she may have had in keeping the battle with my mother going. As the same reviewer said, "you don’t spend your whole adult life going around in circles about the matter." I already know this story so well & don't need to spend any more time with it than I already do.
Read
January 18, 2022I cannot give a star rating to this book; it feels too challenging. But I know I was meant to read this book. It brought such important understanding about estrangement for me in a time shortly after losing an estranged parent to death. It also gave me language for some other relationships in my life that the book terms partial estrangement. This read has helped launch a further step in my healing, and has made me hungry to read further about estrangement. Thank you, Harriet Brown
June 15, 2019
I picked this up from the new biography shelf at my library, not something I would normally read. The theme is family estrangements and since we have a lot of that I decided to read on. I was amazed at how this affects so many people dramatically. If you don’t want a relationship with a family member fine, just move on and get over it. Why would anyone care if these people love you or why would you want to offer forgiveness. To me it seems like a waste of time to have negative, troubled people in my life.
Lots of clinical references and sad experiences. Glad my estrangement from a family member isn’t due to anything sad or traumatic, just a turning away from a disturbed personality (she actually sounds a lot like the authors mother!) Lucky me, I had a great Mother.
Lots of clinical references and sad experiences. Glad my estrangement from a family member isn’t due to anything sad or traumatic, just a turning away from a disturbed personality (she actually sounds a lot like the authors mother!) Lucky me, I had a great Mother.
July 27, 2019
The author's story is mine so this book was something of a how-to for me and I'm grateful to her for writing it. I'm amazed at how closely her experience mirrors mine. I thought I was the only one. She combines her memoir with interviews with men and women estranged from their parents. It helps you feel not so alone when you see so many people who have had to take this drastic step to protect themselves, even save their own lives.
May 3, 2019
This is a horrifying and heartbreaking non-fiction book about family estrangement, about the mother who tells her daughter she's an awful person, then tells the daughter she is cold and selfish for not hugging and saying "I love you" after being told everything that is supposedly wrong with her. Made me thank God for my parents.
January 14, 2024
Poignant and painful, I recommend anyone who is dealing with estrangement whether it be personally or via the life of a friend or relative, to listen to or read this memoir.
October 12, 2025
Such a good read. I did the audiobook for this one. Totally relatable!
January 26, 2020
It’s somewhat challenging to recommend a book about cutting off contact in families—between siblings—parent to child—extended relatives, yet, what rang so clear in this gem of written knowledge, is how prevalent it is to be estranged from family members and how hurtful it can be for those who either feel the need to do so OR for those who are on the receiving end of it. On the other hand, what the research has also established and as Harriet Brown writes about, is that sometimes estrangement is the only option in terms of protecting yourself from further hurt in familial relationships.
June 10, 2025
This was a well-written, researched memoir about estrangement between adult children and their parents. A topic that is much more relevant than many people realize. I would definitely recommend this book to everyone.
September 17, 2025
Liked it didn't love it. The blame game while justified was dragging on until the end.
October 7, 2019
2.5 stars, the book is not what I am looking for. At this point in my life, I feel only partly understood by the book, though it does provide some concepts and words to ease my confusion.
The estrangement continuum—this idea jumps out at me. Estrangement is not a yes/no binary. It's a continuum along which the relationship shifts. If I intentionally reduce contact or interdependence with a person due to an unpleasant relationship, this is estrangement, a form of it. Yes, this speaks to me.
The anguish and grief of the author and interviewees speak to me, too. The difficulty of explaining why a relationship is bad enough, this also speaks to me. There is no one interaction or thing or event that makes the relationship "bad" and worth estranging from. It's a series of interactions, many that one doesn't remember in a narrative sense. It's the taste left over from a thousand interactions, many without a clear label, good or bad, abusive or loving, and this taste may change, sometimes from one day to the next! One may feel pain and anger and fear and shame and longing and maybe some moments of love and connection and safety.
So much of this issue (any issue, really) doesn't have a good/bad label, yet I feel the author keeps looking for an objective label, then recognizes it doesn't exist—maybe life is nuanced and complex,—but then she goes straight back to the whirlpool of good/bad labels. I kept wishing I could get off the merry-go-round of questions and explanations. It reminds me of when I try to heal some emotional pain by thinking my way through it. In my experiences, completing a round of grieving and angering requires mostly feeling, the act of feeling physical sensations. Words have a place, for sure. Naming a feeling, a longing, is powerful, but only alongside the somatic experience. And for me, most of the healing lies in the somatic experience. If I spend too much time writing about the grief or trying to explain it, I get nowhere, just more entrenched. That's what this book feels like to me... getting entrenched. Trying to think one's way out of grief.
Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I will meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about
language, ideas, even the phrase each other
doesn't make any sense.
-Rumi
This field is what I seek. Certain books give me glimpses of this field. This book did not.
*My ratings are usually subjective to the moment and totally about how I feel in response to the book, and not at all about what might be "good" or "bad" outside my expectations. Perhaps I shouldn't rate anything at all, because it yanks around the rating for others.
The estrangement continuum—this idea jumps out at me. Estrangement is not a yes/no binary. It's a continuum along which the relationship shifts. If I intentionally reduce contact or interdependence with a person due to an unpleasant relationship, this is estrangement, a form of it. Yes, this speaks to me.
The anguish and grief of the author and interviewees speak to me, too. The difficulty of explaining why a relationship is bad enough, this also speaks to me. There is no one interaction or thing or event that makes the relationship "bad" and worth estranging from. It's a series of interactions, many that one doesn't remember in a narrative sense. It's the taste left over from a thousand interactions, many without a clear label, good or bad, abusive or loving, and this taste may change, sometimes from one day to the next! One may feel pain and anger and fear and shame and longing and maybe some moments of love and connection and safety.
So much of this issue (any issue, really) doesn't have a good/bad label, yet I feel the author keeps looking for an objective label, then recognizes it doesn't exist—maybe life is nuanced and complex,—but then she goes straight back to the whirlpool of good/bad labels. I kept wishing I could get off the merry-go-round of questions and explanations. It reminds me of when I try to heal some emotional pain by thinking my way through it. In my experiences, completing a round of grieving and angering requires mostly feeling, the act of feeling physical sensations. Words have a place, for sure. Naming a feeling, a longing, is powerful, but only alongside the somatic experience. And for me, most of the healing lies in the somatic experience. If I spend too much time writing about the grief or trying to explain it, I get nowhere, just more entrenched. That's what this book feels like to me... getting entrenched. Trying to think one's way out of grief.
Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I will meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about
language, ideas, even the phrase each other
doesn't make any sense.
-Rumi
This field is what I seek. Certain books give me glimpses of this field. This book did not.
*My ratings are usually subjective to the moment and totally about how I feel in response to the book, and not at all about what might be "good" or "bad" outside my expectations. Perhaps I shouldn't rate anything at all, because it yanks around the rating for others.
January 23, 2019
An interwoven tapestry of personal story and research, SHADOW DAUGHTER sets out to uncover the guilt, trauma, rage, betrayal, and more when it comes to family estrangement.
Research shows that seven percent of all people are estranged from a parent or sibling. But what, exactly, does estrangement consist of? No contact whatsoever? A greeting card here and there? What if you just try to avoid that person? And what about the shame factor? What kind of person breaks ties with their family? And so it goes.
Harriet Brown deftly interweaves her personal story of estrangement with her mother, along with anecdotes, plus research from clinicians and researchers, giving a broader definition of 'estrangement.' SHADOW DAUGHTER (DaCapo Press, November 2018) reads a bit academically--that is, it's packed with much research--but don't let that fool you. Brown is sympathetic, intelligent, and nurturing. She and her mother have gone in cycles of connection and estrangement nearly all of her life. On the day of her mother's funeral, following a battle with cancer, Brown is 5,000 miles away, hiking in Hawaii with her husband and two daughters.
I completely identified with Brown's experience. My own mother 'died' when I was ten and she had her first psychotic episode. Over the years, her illness would improve, and so would our relationship. We were estranged when she died by suicide.
Here, in SHADOW DAUGHTER, Brown presents dozens of narratives from people who have been estranged--men and women, young and old, and those of all professions--she uncovers many of the causes of estrangement--physical or sexual abuse; others from emotional or psychological trauma, manipulation.I found myself nodding at the stories because I 'got it,' I had lived it.
I'm on the fence about ratings...this was presented as a 'memoir,' but I felt it was more like a non-fiction, self-help type read. Still good, mind you, just a little different than expected. However, Harriet Brown is a journalist by profession and that's quite evident in how this narrative is structured. I found some passages (mostly on the research and anecdotes) redundant. Still, we see Brown's growth, experience her feelings, and I wanted more of that.
That said, I feel SHADOW DAUGHTER is just as important, just as poignant as Hope Edelman's MOTHERLESS DAUGHTERS (1994).
For all my reviews, including author interviews, please see: www.leslielindsay.com
Special thanks to DaCapo Press and the author for this review copy. All thoughts are my own.
Research shows that seven percent of all people are estranged from a parent or sibling. But what, exactly, does estrangement consist of? No contact whatsoever? A greeting card here and there? What if you just try to avoid that person? And what about the shame factor? What kind of person breaks ties with their family? And so it goes.
Harriet Brown deftly interweaves her personal story of estrangement with her mother, along with anecdotes, plus research from clinicians and researchers, giving a broader definition of 'estrangement.' SHADOW DAUGHTER (DaCapo Press, November 2018) reads a bit academically--that is, it's packed with much research--but don't let that fool you. Brown is sympathetic, intelligent, and nurturing. She and her mother have gone in cycles of connection and estrangement nearly all of her life. On the day of her mother's funeral, following a battle with cancer, Brown is 5,000 miles away, hiking in Hawaii with her husband and two daughters.
I completely identified with Brown's experience. My own mother 'died' when I was ten and she had her first psychotic episode. Over the years, her illness would improve, and so would our relationship. We were estranged when she died by suicide.
Here, in SHADOW DAUGHTER, Brown presents dozens of narratives from people who have been estranged--men and women, young and old, and those of all professions--she uncovers many of the causes of estrangement--physical or sexual abuse; others from emotional or psychological trauma, manipulation.I found myself nodding at the stories because I 'got it,' I had lived it.
I'm on the fence about ratings...this was presented as a 'memoir,' but I felt it was more like a non-fiction, self-help type read. Still good, mind you, just a little different than expected. However, Harriet Brown is a journalist by profession and that's quite evident in how this narrative is structured. I found some passages (mostly on the research and anecdotes) redundant. Still, we see Brown's growth, experience her feelings, and I wanted more of that.
That said, I feel SHADOW DAUGHTER is just as important, just as poignant as Hope Edelman's MOTHERLESS DAUGHTERS (1994).
For all my reviews, including author interviews, please see: www.leslielindsay.com
Special thanks to DaCapo Press and the author for this review copy. All thoughts are my own.
September 14, 2020
I would select 3.5 stars if I could. She’s a good, intelligent writer whose book deserved a better edit/editor. It was a memoir in part, but more of an essay. I think what she has done is give us a tree, referencing interesting work (I.e. Peg Streep, Alice Miller) and letting us go explore the branches. It is fairly pioneering work and is so subjective that it cannot be without bias. She mostly declares her biases. I would have liked to have heard from another voice in her life who could triangulate (in the research sense of the word) what was going on, early on in life.
The global message she gives is that Society does not yet accept estrangement as a life choice, especially from one’s mother. This rings true. She consults experts, Reddit, and other people who have experienced estrangement. I was unexpectedly surprised by her chapter on forgiveness- it started off sounding rather anti forgiveness but then the discussion became a journey towards her version of forgiveness.
What lets this book down is it’s editing. Many passages were difficult to read and I found myself stuck rereading them. The overall structure and flow of the book was tricky, especially at the beginning. I felt hungry to hear more of the author’s experiences early on, but I got thrown to the experts too soon. Yes, the book does mirror her own journey from tumult to smoother sailing, and this is perhaps why the structure is way it is, to some degree. The segment on estrangement of parents and Elizabeth Vagnoni is an example of lack of flow, poor editing and I’m not sure why this has been tacked onto a chapter that perhaps promises too much, The Roots of Estrangement?
Having said all this, this book is worth an update and expansion in due time.
In an expansion, I’d like to hear more about:
-the impact of the estrangement on her children and husband
-how did her parents accept her husband early on in their courtship?
-other people who suffer from “friendly fire” as a result of estrangements
-HSP dynamics: it’s possible her sister wasn’t an HSP and didn’t suffer as much (or at all), interesting to see how this plays out. But I believe the author may be a highly sensitive person, certainly very different in temperament from her sister.
The global message she gives is that Society does not yet accept estrangement as a life choice, especially from one’s mother. This rings true. She consults experts, Reddit, and other people who have experienced estrangement. I was unexpectedly surprised by her chapter on forgiveness- it started off sounding rather anti forgiveness but then the discussion became a journey towards her version of forgiveness.
What lets this book down is it’s editing. Many passages were difficult to read and I found myself stuck rereading them. The overall structure and flow of the book was tricky, especially at the beginning. I felt hungry to hear more of the author’s experiences early on, but I got thrown to the experts too soon. Yes, the book does mirror her own journey from tumult to smoother sailing, and this is perhaps why the structure is way it is, to some degree. The segment on estrangement of parents and Elizabeth Vagnoni is an example of lack of flow, poor editing and I’m not sure why this has been tacked onto a chapter that perhaps promises too much, The Roots of Estrangement?
Having said all this, this book is worth an update and expansion in due time.
In an expansion, I’d like to hear more about:
-the impact of the estrangement on her children and husband
-how did her parents accept her husband early on in their courtship?
-other people who suffer from “friendly fire” as a result of estrangements
-HSP dynamics: it’s possible her sister wasn’t an HSP and didn’t suffer as much (or at all), interesting to see how this plays out. But I believe the author may be a highly sensitive person, certainly very different in temperament from her sister.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
June 8, 2021
After my frustrations with Joshua Coleman's book on parental estrangement, "Rules of Estrangement," this book was recommended to me & I jumped right on it. The two books could not be more different: Coleman blames a culture of individualism and generational differences, Brown notes that parental abuse is often the main reason for estrangement but not all abused children estrange; Coleman listens to the estranged parents' feelings of shocked betrayal with little investigation, Brown listens to the adult children's recollections of abuse, feelings of self-doubt & shame, and painful attempts to reconcile; Coleman states that even extreme abuse/neglect doesn't justify estrangement, Brown leaves it up to the individual to decide the last straw. I've been happily estranged from my extremely abusive mother for 11 years, I wish I had read this book that first year (Coleman's book would have probably exacerbated my PTSD).
Brown mentions studies, surveys, scholarly works, online forums, and this very helpful website http://www.issendai.com/psychology/es...
I think that both the estranged and those who choose to estrange would do well to read this book and also these resources (especially the website).
I wish Brown had gone into more detail about addiction. Although addiction plays a very small role in my decision to estrange, I imagine that someone struggling with the decision to cut contact with an addicted relative would come away from this book with more questions than answers
Brown mentions studies, surveys, scholarly works, online forums, and this very helpful website http://www.issendai.com/psychology/es...
I think that both the estranged and those who choose to estrange would do well to read this book and also these resources (especially the website).
I wish Brown had gone into more detail about addiction. Although addiction plays a very small role in my decision to estrange, I imagine that someone struggling with the decision to cut contact with an addicted relative would come away from this book with more questions than answers
April 16, 2019
I had a really hard time with this book: I eagerly awaited my copy to arrive at the library, seeing as how books (and articles) on estrangement are so few and far in between. This is a subject that is, fortunately or unfortunately, a part of my life. I've read a lot about personality disordered people, parenting, and the psychology of family units, and felt this would be a great add to what I've already read. The first half of the book was, like much of my similar reading, like staring into a mirror. Horrifying. Validating. Devastating. But then...? It goes really off the rails, mostly because Harriet Brown can't really focus and is instead still wading deep in her own past trauma. I won't harshly criticize the book, because I imagine writing it was a brave exercise for Ms. Brown and I commend her with every cell of my being. It just didn't teach me anything new, and I'm past the point where just reading anecdotal evidence is comforting: I know this has happened to daughters the world over, time and again, so I know I'm not alone. I just always need a solid takeaway when reading non-fiction. This would be a one-star read if I was on my Harsh Pedestal today, but I'm not. I want to thank Harriet for writing this book and I hope doing so brought her comfort and some semblance of closure. I appreciate any voice out there talking about family estrangement and ostracism. It really is a taboo topic.
September 10, 2020
Shadow Daughter tackles a subject rarely discussed in this culture: family estrangements. Rich in case studies, interviews and research, the author, Harriet, illustrates reasons, causes and stories of estrangement, between parents and children, siblings, and multiple generations, and sprinkles her own experiences in an abbreviated manner. By the time her volatile, borderline mother dies, Harriet has lost her contact with her. Estrangement began at age four and continued unfolding during a lifetime of mistrust, disapproval, and emotional abuse, while her sister received positive attention and care. Riddled with self-doubt, initially she suffers, doubting her own ability to parent. Contacts with mother during her grandparent’s funerals end in anger, rage. Periods of avoiding contact follow these episodes, but the outer world considers this an ordinary family. Other family members pressure Harriet to reconcile. Validation and approval from the outside world shores up Harriet who goes to college and secures a teaching job, marries and raises two daughters, one of whom is anorexic. Harriet believes that once she has stopped seeking her mothers’ love and approval, she finds herself. Angry at her father who has not protected and defended her from her mother’s mistreatment, and after her mother’s death, she begins to slowly reconcile with him, becoming his primary caretaker after his stroke and move to assisted living. A well researched memoir regarding enstrangement.
June 3, 2022
This isn't a memoir. It's a mixed up hodgepodge of bits and pieces of the author's and other people's experiences with estrangement, In her case, it's a mother; in other people's, family members of all sorts.
I got more than half-way through and I didn't even have a feeling for what it was like growing up with a mother who perpetually insults, embarrasses, and fails to support her daughter. It was just so scatterbrained a "memoir" that I didn't even have a good sense of the timeline involved. As far as I could tell, the author didn't even try to seek out other family members and write down their memories of the abuse. She hints at this, but doesn't do it.
When I realized it wasn't going to be a memoir, I assumed that she was going to tell other people's stories about their own family issues. And so she does--in a disorganized, rattle-on kind of way. Some of the stories take up as much as three or four paragraphs...and then just drop off or jump back to the author's own experience. I'd just be getting interested in a person, and she'd drop 'em.
She alludes to a few statistics and studies, but in general, it's a shallow and self-centered approach to the subject. If it really were a memoir, that would be expected. But it's not.
December 28, 2020
Read this after listening to an Unladylike podcast episode that included an interview with the author. Definitely worth the read. I feel it helps me better understand some of my friends who have difficult relationships with their mothers.
January 4, 2022
Very dangerous & harmful for society as a whole
Author is messed up mentally and this will be a very unfair negative influence on others. This author is someone who is very mentally ill and sadly never got the PROPER and much needed counseling while she was young and throughout her life, even as an adult. This book will do more harm to others reading it. It is basically her opinions that are not supported fairly or properly. She seemed to use those such as specialists as Dr. Sharp who validated and supported the author’s thoughts and feelings and to validate the author for the actions and treatments she had instilled in herself and her life.
Her credentials and research and specialists were very biased, Dr. Sharp especially, were mainly improper weak sources, even her studies used were one sided and not an accurate picture to the complete issue. The author seemed to only pick and choose bits and pieces of everything that favored her ideas and she left out anything and anyone that contradicted her. She seemed to mainly use pretty much those that validated or favored and or supported her negative decisions, acts and thoughts and treatment towards her parents and family. This author is and has been mentally ill since a very young age it seems. People like this author and her supportive specialists and interviews have led to an extremely wrong and unfair and very hurtful severe critical epidemic with estrangement between parents and adult children.
I would love to be around and see this author give this book to her children as they enter into the era where they become adults. I would also love to see them do this whole unfairly estrangement issue with her, the author as their mom....for whatever reason they feel that they need to blame their mom for any kind of troubles or ill feelings whatsoever that they may have in their adult years.
THIS BOOK AND ALL OF ITS COMMENTS (the author’s opinions and blaming mechanism) IS NOT THE WAY TO DEAL WITH YOUR OWN ISSUES...YOU DON'T JUST BE SO SELFISH AND HURTFUL AND THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT THIS AUTHOR IS AND HAS DONE. YOU GET PROPER COUNSELING WITH A PROPER PERSON AND YOU TRY TO WORK THRU ISSUES AND THEN YOU ACCEPT EACH OTHER FOR WHAT YOU BOTH ARE AND MOVE ON AS A FAMILY TOGETHER BEING THERE FOR EACH OTHER AND HELPING EACH OTHER, NOT EXPECTING EACH OTHER TO BE A PERFECT VERSION OF THEIR OWN WISHES!! THIS BOOK IS WRONG AND VERY HARMFUL TO SOCIETY!
Author is messed up mentally and this will be a very unfair negative influence on others. This author is someone who is very mentally ill and sadly never got the PROPER and much needed counseling while she was young and throughout her life, even as an adult. This book will do more harm to others reading it. It is basically her opinions that are not supported fairly or properly. She seemed to use those such as specialists as Dr. Sharp who validated and supported the author’s thoughts and feelings and to validate the author for the actions and treatments she had instilled in herself and her life.
Her credentials and research and specialists were very biased, Dr. Sharp especially, were mainly improper weak sources, even her studies used were one sided and not an accurate picture to the complete issue. The author seemed to only pick and choose bits and pieces of everything that favored her ideas and she left out anything and anyone that contradicted her. She seemed to mainly use pretty much those that validated or favored and or supported her negative decisions, acts and thoughts and treatment towards her parents and family. This author is and has been mentally ill since a very young age it seems. People like this author and her supportive specialists and interviews have led to an extremely wrong and unfair and very hurtful severe critical epidemic with estrangement between parents and adult children.
I would love to be around and see this author give this book to her children as they enter into the era where they become adults. I would also love to see them do this whole unfairly estrangement issue with her, the author as their mom....for whatever reason they feel that they need to blame their mom for any kind of troubles or ill feelings whatsoever that they may have in their adult years.
THIS BOOK AND ALL OF ITS COMMENTS (the author’s opinions and blaming mechanism) IS NOT THE WAY TO DEAL WITH YOUR OWN ISSUES...YOU DON'T JUST BE SO SELFISH AND HURTFUL AND THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT THIS AUTHOR IS AND HAS DONE. YOU GET PROPER COUNSELING WITH A PROPER PERSON AND YOU TRY TO WORK THRU ISSUES AND THEN YOU ACCEPT EACH OTHER FOR WHAT YOU BOTH ARE AND MOVE ON AS A FAMILY TOGETHER BEING THERE FOR EACH OTHER AND HELPING EACH OTHER, NOT EXPECTING EACH OTHER TO BE A PERFECT VERSION OF THEIR OWN WISHES!! THIS BOOK IS WRONG AND VERY HARMFUL TO SOCIETY!
March 1, 2019
Harriet Brown admits she led a pretty good childhood; she was not physically abused (much), she had food and clothing, hers was not a broken home. But her mother was emotionally abusive, tearing Harriet down constantly. No one could praise Harriet without her mother cutting in, and telling them they didn’t know Harriet like she did, that Harriet was in fact a horrible child, self-centered and selfish. Harriet got out of the house as soon as she could, at 16, but it was hard to overcome the drive to stay close to her family. Our society says the family is important, and that you are screwed up if you aren’t close to them. Finally, she had enough, and severed ties with her mother, not just for her benefit but for that of her own daughters.
The author mixes her own story in with those of others, and with psychological research. This isn’t just her complaining; emotional abuse IS abuse, and it can scar a person for the rest of their life, causing them to not trust themselves. I have a couple of dear friends who have/had abusive mothers, and they have both had to cut off communications for the sake of their sanity.
She may have been five thousand miles away when her mother’s funeral took place, but it was for the best. The rest of the family wouldn’t have wanted her there, and it would have been hypocrisy for her to weep and wail. She had already wasted hours, days, weeks of her life trying to appease her mother, trying to get her approval. Now, approval and love would never come.
I think what I found even more chilling than her mother’s treatment of her was her father’s ignoring it. He said to the author that if he didn’t take her mother’s side, she would leave him. He picked his wife over his daughter. After her death, he said he did not want to hear from her for a long time. They are slowly rebuilding a relationship, with him learning to like her, to see her as she really is rather than through the lens of her mother’s hatred.
While there is some repetition in the book, it’s well written. I felt pain for what the author went through. I think this book is an important one for adult children of emotionally abusive parent’s to read.
The author mixes her own story in with those of others, and with psychological research. This isn’t just her complaining; emotional abuse IS abuse, and it can scar a person for the rest of their life, causing them to not trust themselves. I have a couple of dear friends who have/had abusive mothers, and they have both had to cut off communications for the sake of their sanity.
She may have been five thousand miles away when her mother’s funeral took place, but it was for the best. The rest of the family wouldn’t have wanted her there, and it would have been hypocrisy for her to weep and wail. She had already wasted hours, days, weeks of her life trying to appease her mother, trying to get her approval. Now, approval and love would never come.
I think what I found even more chilling than her mother’s treatment of her was her father’s ignoring it. He said to the author that if he didn’t take her mother’s side, she would leave him. He picked his wife over his daughter. After her death, he said he did not want to hear from her for a long time. They are slowly rebuilding a relationship, with him learning to like her, to see her as she really is rather than through the lens of her mother’s hatred.
While there is some repetition in the book, it’s well written. I felt pain for what the author went through. I think this book is an important one for adult children of emotionally abusive parent’s to read.
February 5, 2019
An honest and painful memoir of a woman who endured a strained relationship with her mother for years before finally, in an attempt to preserve her emotional and mental health, became estranged from her. While I've read some reviews of "Shadow Daughter" that were critical of Harriet Brown, it is clear that her estrangement with her mother was not done without thought. As with many cases like this, it is not a single moment that causes the rift, but a multitude of difficulties through many years that ultimately cause someone to cut the ties. I would not judge Harriet for her decision and I think writing this book is a blessing for many people. Most would say that "dirty laundry" should not be aired. I disagree. For many people in similar situations it is as if she threw a lifeline. No one wants to believe that they are the only one with parental issues. At the same time there are few groups one can join to help "talk it out" with others. Harriet has done not only herself, but many of us a favor. She offers stories and situations from other people who have also broken ties, but ultimately this is her story. From the intrusive questions of others who are appalled that anyone could be estranged from a parent, to people who understand but choose to take the side of the toxic parent, to how her father handled the estrangement after her mother passed (even chillingly commenting that she should have understood that her mother wanted to always be right and just accepted it), this is all valid, important information that would do no one any good were it swept under the rug. I hope Harriet can find healing in sharing her story and others can be helped by the advice she gives and by, at the very least, knowing they are not alone.
June 29, 2019
I found the book quite interesting, I liked the studies that she looked at, and also the explaining the feelings of various people, it resonated, as I was estranged from one parent, and often 'pretended' they were dead, it was easier than the guilt/explaining etc.
I'm surprised by some reviewers going into great detail about how the author felt, not believing her etc. Hey, it's HER truth. You don't have to agree with her. Cut her a break, and who are you to criticise - come on? (You protesteth too much methinks (ie what about your own situation??)) - she kept journals about conversations - ok for me that was a bit OTT, but that's what she did, who am I to criticise?
It certainly reinforced some of the social stigma I've come across (gosh, one person asked me if I was on drugs and asked my parent for money which was why we were estranged - seriously??) So many judge, juries and executioners out there!
I would have liked to read about some experiences from both sides, where the studies just didn't talk to one side, they looked into both sides, I didn't really feel like that was covered. Maybe it was and I missed it, there were quite a few examples, and I did get a bit lost with some of the subjects.
A book that is needed, and a topic to be discussed. Informative.
I'm surprised by some reviewers going into great detail about how the author felt, not believing her etc. Hey, it's HER truth. You don't have to agree with her. Cut her a break, and who are you to criticise - come on? (You protesteth too much methinks (ie what about your own situation??)) - she kept journals about conversations - ok for me that was a bit OTT, but that's what she did, who am I to criticise?
It certainly reinforced some of the social stigma I've come across (gosh, one person asked me if I was on drugs and asked my parent for money which was why we were estranged - seriously??) So many judge, juries and executioners out there!
I would have liked to read about some experiences from both sides, where the studies just didn't talk to one side, they looked into both sides, I didn't really feel like that was covered. Maybe it was and I missed it, there were quite a few examples, and I did get a bit lost with some of the subjects.
A book that is needed, and a topic to be discussed. Informative.
September 1, 2023
I wanted to like this so bad but I didn’t! I thought the editing was unthoughtful and unimaginative. The structure was repetitive and bromidic. I agree with the review that said as soon as you would start to care about someone’s story it would just as quickly end. The chapter on forgiveness especially annoyed me, which I think is on account of me being a survivor of severe childhood abuse and SA so my perspectives on that topic is unwavering. With that being said, I wish the author referenced/cited Judith Herman’s work with survivors of abuse and trauma. It would have made the book, especially the chapter on forgiveness, stronger with more direction. I think it was kind of odd to promote it as a memoir when it’s more autoethnographic? Also this is just my personal opinion, and it may seem harsh or like I’m victim blaming, but I feel like the author allowing her sister and her father(but especially the sister) to continue upholding and reinforcing the narcissistic mother’s narrative(even after her passing) pretty daunting. Sad. I would have said to hell with those flying monkeys(the people in the narcissists dynamic who enable their behaviors) too! But two stars for approaching and presenting this topic that needs more representation and for the beautiful vulnerability
January 14, 2019
This book is especially timely for me, and I read it with a lot of interest about how others have dealt with estrangement from their "loved one(s)," and some of the hows and whys and what happened to them. I have a lot of thoughts about this book, and how honest the author was about her own thoughts on the subject and the dealings with her mother and father and sister and extended family, as well as the experience of others who have experienced this.
There's no real happy ending, but I was sort of disappointed in an odd way, even though I know that's how life works. I'm glad that I have an appointment tomorrow with my own psychologist and will discuss my thoughts on this book and the subject in general.
I think I'll use this book as a jumping off point to read more about family relationships and estrangements (total and partial, temporary and permanent), but not just yet, in order to give my active thoughts on this book to settle.
Definitely recommended for anyone who has considered estrangement or lives with estrangement whether it was their choice or not.
There's no real happy ending, but I was sort of disappointed in an odd way, even though I know that's how life works. I'm glad that I have an appointment tomorrow with my own psychologist and will discuss my thoughts on this book and the subject in general.
I think I'll use this book as a jumping off point to read more about family relationships and estrangements (total and partial, temporary and permanent), but not just yet, in order to give my active thoughts on this book to settle.
Definitely recommended for anyone who has considered estrangement or lives with estrangement whether it was their choice or not.
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