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The Self-Esteem Trap: Raising Confident and Compassionate Kids in an Age of Self-Importance
Kids today are depressed and anxious. They also seem to feel entitled to every advantage and unwilling to make the leap into adulthood. As Polly Young-Eisendrath makes clear in this brilliant account of where a generation has gone astray, parents trying to make their children feel special are unwittingly interfering with their kids' ability to accept themselves and cope with life. Clarifying an enormous cultural change, THE SELF-ESTEEM TRAP shows why so many young people have trouble with empathy and compassion, struggle with moral values, and are stymied in the face of adversity. Young-Eisendrath offers prescriptive advice on how adults can help kids--through the teen and young adult years--develop self-worth, setting them on the right track to productive, balanced, and happy lives.
256 pages, Hardcover
First published September 2, 2008
27 people are currently reading
439 people want to read
About the author
Polly Young-Eisendrath
34 books46 followersPolly Young-Eisendrath, Ph.D., is a Jungian analyst, psychologist, and psychotherapist in private practice. She is Clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at the University of Vermont and the founder and director of the Institute for Dialogue Therapy. She is past president of the Vermont Association for Psychoanalytic Studies and a founding member of the Vermont Institute for the Psychotherapies. Polly is also the chairperson of Enlightening Conversations, a series of conversational conferences which bring together participants from the front lines of Buddhism and psychoanalysis. Polly has published sixteen books, as well as many chapters and articles, that have been translated into more than twenty languages, including The Self-Esteem Trap: Raising Confident and Compassionate Kids in an Age of Self-Importance> and Love Between Equals: Relationship as a Spiritual Path>.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 55 reviews
September 21, 2014
It is quite good and pretty spot on about the self esteem that just made kids today think they're entitled and better than anyone. But, i feel that this author puts an idea that religion is needed as if that would help teach kids to be more considerate of others or less self-centered. That is not true. Religion doesn't have anything to do with how well a person would be in a society.
November 14, 2013
I picked this book up because I was attracted to the subtitle: "Raising Confident and Compassionate Kids in an Age of Self-Importance." As a tail-end babyboomer who grew up during the 70s in California I technically don't fit the demo as far as the generations encompassed in "GenMe" as the author calls it, but as I read this book it became painfully obvious right away that I myself had not entirely escaped the self-esteem trap (California is always ahead of the curve, perhaps). I did grow up being told that I was talented and "special" and would be able to do anything I wanted--by my mother as well as teachers. Fortunately, this was somewhat mitigated by my Catholic school upbringing as well as my European-born parents' "old-fashioned" parenting style in regards to respecting elders and making myself useful, etc. As I matured I was able to see myself with more perspective. All the same, I have still suffered even as an adult, from a vague sense of dissatisfaction--like I never lived up to my potential--which the author describes as one of the symptoms of the self-esteem trap. Anyhow, I am not a lost cause--I can still improve!
More importantly, this book provides an insight into how to raise my kids to have real--and realistic--experienced-based self-confidence. Confidence and pride based on their own achievements, not from being told they are special or talented (even though they may be). And to have compassion for others based on the realization that we all share a common humanity, we are "ordinary." This doesn't diminish their talents--it just places them in perspective and relieves them from the pressure to be exceptional in every way. True happiness will only come if they realize they are human and accept their weaknesses as well as their strengths. Charity and compassion should not just be lip service, however. It's fine to raise them with progressive values and tell them to "treat others as you would like to be treated," but kids need to be able to *practice* those things--not just talk about them. They need to experience it directly in their own lives. They need to be able to put the needs of others before their own, people that are right around them in their own homes and communities. They won't get that experience from clicking on a KONY 2012 link and watching a Youtube video.
More importantly, this book provides an insight into how to raise my kids to have real--and realistic--experienced-based self-confidence. Confidence and pride based on their own achievements, not from being told they are special or talented (even though they may be). And to have compassion for others based on the realization that we all share a common humanity, we are "ordinary." This doesn't diminish their talents--it just places them in perspective and relieves them from the pressure to be exceptional in every way. True happiness will only come if they realize they are human and accept their weaknesses as well as their strengths. Charity and compassion should not just be lip service, however. It's fine to raise them with progressive values and tell them to "treat others as you would like to be treated," but kids need to be able to *practice* those things--not just talk about them. They need to experience it directly in their own lives. They need to be able to put the needs of others before their own, people that are right around them in their own homes and communities. They won't get that experience from clicking on a KONY 2012 link and watching a Youtube video.
July 31, 2013
Catchy, but misleading title. Our culture is currently fixated with this belief that "being special," ie Mr. Roger's feel-goodedness is/has ruined an entire generation.
More adequately stated, false praise is creating egoism and emotional vulnerability.
Moral of the story: be genuine in your appraisal of your children, their strengths as well as weaknesses, and this will guide you to guide them in their journey to adulthood.
I summed up in a few sentences what it took this author an entire book.
I agree with some of the ideas she puts forth-especially that false praise/flattery is bad. But I disagree with this idea of "special." Children need to feel "special"--unconditionally loved for their unique, individual traits and qualities. Special does not mean "better than" or "superior to," but that how's the author chooses to try to redefine it, which ultimately misconstrues the "take-home message" and makes this book more controversial than it needs to be.
I have problems with the circular reasoning in this book (the "special-self" sees itself as flawed but if you follow these principles you'll still be flawed and still see yourself as flawed, but it will change your attitude about being flawed because you're not special anymore) and the generalizations she makes about the public at large from her private-practice therapy clients.
I think it's also a bit short-sighted and egocentric to believe that the phenomena she is describing is limited solely to being the result of an entire generation of parents who over-praise and over-applaud, and refusing to contemplate other factors, such as generational differences in openness to communicate emotional distress. Older generations often sought therapy for repression, which should be but isn't considered in this discussion, as it's an interesting facet for inter-generational differences this author just attributes to "specialness."
This book comes from a long line of "I'm older and better, let me tell you how your generation is doing everything wrong" kinds of thinking without being too preachy in it's ever-appeasing I'm ok-You're Ok manner.
More adequately stated, false praise is creating egoism and emotional vulnerability.
Moral of the story: be genuine in your appraisal of your children, their strengths as well as weaknesses, and this will guide you to guide them in their journey to adulthood.
I summed up in a few sentences what it took this author an entire book.
I agree with some of the ideas she puts forth-especially that false praise/flattery is bad. But I disagree with this idea of "special." Children need to feel "special"--unconditionally loved for their unique, individual traits and qualities. Special does not mean "better than" or "superior to," but that how's the author chooses to try to redefine it, which ultimately misconstrues the "take-home message" and makes this book more controversial than it needs to be.
I have problems with the circular reasoning in this book (the "special-self" sees itself as flawed but if you follow these principles you'll still be flawed and still see yourself as flawed, but it will change your attitude about being flawed because you're not special anymore) and the generalizations she makes about the public at large from her private-practice therapy clients.
I think it's also a bit short-sighted and egocentric to believe that the phenomena she is describing is limited solely to being the result of an entire generation of parents who over-praise and over-applaud, and refusing to contemplate other factors, such as generational differences in openness to communicate emotional distress. Older generations often sought therapy for repression, which should be but isn't considered in this discussion, as it's an interesting facet for inter-generational differences this author just attributes to "specialness."
This book comes from a long line of "I'm older and better, let me tell you how your generation is doing everything wrong" kinds of thinking without being too preachy in it's ever-appeasing I'm ok-You're Ok manner.
February 8, 2013
I definitely needed to read this book at this point in my life. I have been struggling with many of things she discusses, both as a parent and as a "Gen Me'er" who is trying to figure out my life path. It was incredibly reassuring to hear I am not alone in not knowing what to do with being told my whole life how I can "do anything I want." Fear of failure, fear of making the wrong choices, fear of regret.... I have been immobilized by all of these thing. As a parent, I have been overly concerned about my children's fragile self-esteem, and as a result I have struggled with discipline. Just in the week I have been reading it, my adjustment in thinking has made a huge impact on our home.
That being said, I am going to look up her website, because I am curious about practical steps to change my thinking. Once her thesis is established, I find much of what she says repetitive. Great, groundbreaking idea...dry execution.
That being said, I am going to look up her website, because I am curious about practical steps to change my thinking. Once her thesis is established, I find much of what she says repetitive. Great, groundbreaking idea...dry execution.
September 9, 2013
I read recently a book about raising girls in a "me" culture and it worried me, mostly because I felt the logic of the author was so far from my own sense of of right and wrong. After reading this book I feel so much better. This book gives the keys to becoming good people, not just for kids but for anyone brave enough to try. This book embraces the potential of ordinariness. I can allow myself to be ordinary and still feel happiness, and I get to help my exceptionally average kids to set goals to being good people. This book is going on my shelf as one of the best parenting books I have ever read.
December 6, 2010
The author has some important ideas, but has a far more traditional/ conservative philosophy on the place of children in our society than I do, and this combined with her "kids these days are all losers and need to get off my lawn" attitude made the book less useful than it could be.
It did remind me of the importance of reminding kids that they are parts of communities larger than themselves. That's something I think I have done a reasonable job at regularly conveying from a kindness and social/ political perspective, but the author makes a convincing case for the benefits of spirituality and regular spiritual practice as well. As that's something I have no interest in personally, it's not something I give to my children past the occasional discussions of why I don't understand the Big Bang theory but still believe in it. Maybe I should try harder.
It did remind me of the importance of reminding kids that they are parts of communities larger than themselves. That's something I think I have done a reasonable job at regularly conveying from a kindness and social/ political perspective, but the author makes a convincing case for the benefits of spirituality and regular spiritual practice as well. As that's something I have no interest in personally, it's not something I give to my children past the occasional discussions of why I don't understand the Big Bang theory but still believe in it. Maybe I should try harder.
December 23, 2011
Oh, what an important read this was for me... if you too were under the impression that building the self esteem of your child meant including words of praise, telling them how unique and so very special they are, then I'd love to get your opinion after you read THIS book... and yet wow... it makes perfect, perfect sense... what a "ME" focused world we've become with huge senses of entitlement and what a trap we've set... GREAT, GREAT book...I just wish all of the people who aren't into reading parenting books would read this one! (Grin!)
October 8, 2023
The title is misleading. A more fitting title would have been: "The Entitlement Problem: Why a Generation of White, Wealthy Kids are Self-Centered Asshats."
Let me explain.
***
Despite the title, this book is not about self-esteem, nor the lack thereof. It isn't about kids in an age of self-importance. Hell, it isn't even about how to raise children, or how to fix this issue of 'self-esteem'.
It's a book about how a subset of a generation, wealthy white children, have been shaped to understand themselves as entitled while being apathetic towards others. It isn't that they have feelings of unworthiness or anxiety, but rather that they feel empty and discontent with their successful lives. The author's understanding and use of self-esteem is too off-base; I had expected a completely different book than the one I held in my hands. What she was describing was beyond self-esteem; it was ego.
The extremely narrow analysis, coupled with her warped definition of self-esteem, bothered the crap out of me. The author presents her information as if we all live in a vacuum. White, wealthy children have inflated egos is what we take away from the book. If you had been expecting a more nuanced book, you're looking in the wrong place. A true study of self-esteem over a generation would have looked at the entire demographic of those generations and all its bisecting identities, not taken a tiny sliver and stamped the rest of us as being the same. Hell, most of us have self-esteem problems that make us feel inferior, yet we were raised by the same generation that raised the wealthy white kids. Why such a different outcome? Young-Eisendrath never says.
Huh.
I found it alienating.
Let me explain.
***
Despite the title, this book is not about self-esteem, nor the lack thereof. It isn't about kids in an age of self-importance. Hell, it isn't even about how to raise children, or how to fix this issue of 'self-esteem'.
It's a book about how a subset of a generation, wealthy white children, have been shaped to understand themselves as entitled while being apathetic towards others. It isn't that they have feelings of unworthiness or anxiety, but rather that they feel empty and discontent with their successful lives. The author's understanding and use of self-esteem is too off-base; I had expected a completely different book than the one I held in my hands. What she was describing was beyond self-esteem; it was ego.
The extremely narrow analysis, coupled with her warped definition of self-esteem, bothered the crap out of me. The author presents her information as if we all live in a vacuum. White, wealthy children have inflated egos is what we take away from the book. If you had been expecting a more nuanced book, you're looking in the wrong place. A true study of self-esteem over a generation would have looked at the entire demographic of those generations and all its bisecting identities, not taken a tiny sliver and stamped the rest of us as being the same. Hell, most of us have self-esteem problems that make us feel inferior, yet we were raised by the same generation that raised the wealthy white kids. Why such a different outcome? Young-Eisendrath never says.
Huh.
I found it alienating.
December 11, 2019
This book presents excellent points about issues facing our current and future generations of children/young adults. I would count myself in this generation, and had a lot to think about in reading this. I think her disclaimer at the beginning that this book is not for people who experienced trauma should be duly noted. It should also be noted that this is NOT a "how to" book.
Topics covered include emphasis on community, how chores can help build self esteem, the benefits of a religious community, and helping young people learn how to succeed through failure.
I will definitely be re-reading as my daughter gets older.
Topics covered include emphasis on community, how chores can help build self esteem, the benefits of a religious community, and helping young people learn how to succeed through failure.
I will definitely be re-reading as my daughter gets older.
February 21, 2023
An excellent look at modern trends in parenting and the effects on kids and society. The author has some great insights into why we see so much depression, selfishness, and lack of confidence despite our culture's emphasis on self-esteem. The irony is that we're actually creating people with less self-esteem by telling everyone they can do whatever they want or by over-emphasizing that they're "special". I appreciated the author's insights about being ordinary and about our interdependence.
October 2, 2019
A useful book not only for parents but for anyone who works with young people. There is a lot of interesting information about the causes and effects of the problems facing the "everyone is exceptional" phenomenon. I do wish that there were more pieces of practical advice for combating some of the effects. Highly recommend.
August 2, 2011
Awesome book! Difficulties and disappointments are a part of life. And we do our children a disservice when we overindulge them and praise them too much and shield them from the bad consequences of their actions. As a society, we are raising children who think that they are better than everyone else; who believe that they will be successful (even famous!); who are used to and expect to get positive feedback (or else they act like brats!). And what we are doing is collectively mixing a toxic cocktail that will haunt us and future generations. According to the author, too much praise creates an intense hunger for approval and can lead to feelings of self-importance that only undermine growth and maturity. This can lead to isolation, and even feelings of defectiveness when they are faced with challenges they cannot avoid or are having trouble overcoming. Self confidence, after all, comes from dealing with adversity and overcoming obstaces; and does not develop simply because we tell our child time and again that they are so good and so special. Success and happiness comes when we are positively contributing to this big machine we call society; when we embrace adversity and even mistakes as an opportunity to learn and be better; and when we love and accept ourselves as the humans that we are, faults, warts and all. I am thankful for all the pointers in this book, and all the eye-opening comments. I also think this book is chock full of practical no-nonsense pointers for parents who are raising children today and who simply want to raise happy, well-adjusted, well-mannered, kind, independent and dependable adults with a good conscience and a healthy reverence for life. I would recommend this to any parent I know!
July 16, 2014
This is more than an excellent parenting book; it's a book that embodies much of my life philosophy. Young-Eisendrath gives nuggets of wisdom such as "We find ourselves not independently of other people and institutions but through them" while offering practical advice on how to translate this knowledge into our day-to-day actions with our children and others around us.
She asserts that we can raise children who can overcome the depression, anxiety and addiction that plagues the youth of today by teaching them:
1. The importance of adversity
2. The necessity of conscience and virtue
3. How to be autonomous and develop emotional maturity
4. The value of being ordinary
5. The power of religion and reverence
6. How to love and not idealize
This book is excellent from a philosophical point of view and empowering from a parenting one. Some of my favorite tips include not constantly imbuing our kids with a sense that they are better than everyone else, letting them experience failure and develop resiliency, and not shielding them from the hardships of life (like death and disease) so that they can empathize and learn to serve. I also love that she mentions that religion, not simply spirituality, is important in helping children learn the importance of rituals, structure and community.
She asserts that we can raise children who can overcome the depression, anxiety and addiction that plagues the youth of today by teaching them:
1. The importance of adversity
2. The necessity of conscience and virtue
3. How to be autonomous and develop emotional maturity
4. The value of being ordinary
5. The power of religion and reverence
6. How to love and not idealize
This book is excellent from a philosophical point of view and empowering from a parenting one. Some of my favorite tips include not constantly imbuing our kids with a sense that they are better than everyone else, letting them experience failure and develop resiliency, and not shielding them from the hardships of life (like death and disease) so that they can empathize and learn to serve. I also love that she mentions that religion, not simply spirituality, is important in helping children learn the importance of rituals, structure and community.
June 25, 2015
Started strong, with compelling reasons explaining what seems to be a widespread notion that young people feel entitled (it's the parents!). In a nutshell, children at a young age need to meet adversity in their lives in order for them to figure out how to deal with it and get over it. Too often parents are interfering and not giving their kids the chance to rise to that challenge. Kids grow up thinking they are special, then can't handle life when they aren't treated in the special way as adults. Last few chapters were a bit weaker, or maybe I was just done with this book. I think the one chapter the writer may find readers disagreeing with her about is the one on religion/spirituality (not to say I disagree, but I think that's where she will find disagreement. And maybe I did, a little, too).
Even if you aren't a parent, you might find this book useful, especially for those who must deal with millennials or "GenMers" at work or other social outlets. It might help you understand why some people think they deserve the world handed to them on a silver platter. Problem is, while, as a parent of a young kid, I might be able to influence what values will be important to her as an adult, this book doesn't really address what you should do with coworkers, employees, etc. not that it's your job to. Maybe suggest they seek therapy!
Even if you aren't a parent, you might find this book useful, especially for those who must deal with millennials or "GenMers" at work or other social outlets. It might help you understand why some people think they deserve the world handed to them on a silver platter. Problem is, while, as a parent of a young kid, I might be able to influence what values will be important to her as an adult, this book doesn't really address what you should do with coworkers, employees, etc. not that it's your job to. Maybe suggest they seek therapy!
October 10, 2015
I'm not sure I completely buy in to all of Young-Eisendrath's views. I certainly am convinced that the self esteem trap exists and that my generation (myself included) are fully entrenched in it because of how we were parented. Being raised to think you can do anything and that you deserve to reach your dreams only sets you up to feel unfulfilled. I do agree that buying in to believing that being "ordinary" is perfectly okay can set up a child to have a positive but realistic outlook on life. However, there were a few examples of people supposedly in the self esteem trap who I believe are really just assholes. Like the kid who asked for the phone back to order a pizza after his mom needs the phone to call an ambulance? That's more than the self esteem trap, that's an asshole. I also don't agree that a sense of spirituality or a religion is an integral part of raising a child who will not fall into the trap. I read this book for a class called "Contemporary Issues in Parenting". It fit well with the class and we had some really valuable discussion about it. I would not have read it on my own in my personal quest to collect parenting knowledge, but I would recommend it to any younger person who wonders if the way they were parented has set them up to fall into the self esteem trap.
March 11, 2011
Depending which chapter I read the score changed from 3 to 4 stars. I think her passion for certain topics was reflected in her writing style.
Her initial assertation is that you shoudn't teach children that they are special. Initially I totally disagreed and my husband was shocked that I would continue to read on but I said I wanted her to convince me. I love a good debate after all. And in the end, to some point I agree. But I think her concern is more raising children who aren't entitled. My largest arguing point is that you can teach children they are special and that no one is like them or can do what they can do without having them become entitled and self important.
I whole heartedly loved her chapter on adversity and many other chapters gave me much to consider in my current parenting strategies and ideas to implement in the future. Last there was a list of 6 qualities she gave to practice being ordinary and I loved the qualities, but thought that if a child were to master those six qualities once again it would make them closer to extraordinary than ordinary as she desires.
In the end I was stirred to much contemplation through this book and so like it at least 3.5 stars worth.
Her initial assertation is that you shoudn't teach children that they are special. Initially I totally disagreed and my husband was shocked that I would continue to read on but I said I wanted her to convince me. I love a good debate after all. And in the end, to some point I agree. But I think her concern is more raising children who aren't entitled. My largest arguing point is that you can teach children they are special and that no one is like them or can do what they can do without having them become entitled and self important.
I whole heartedly loved her chapter on adversity and many other chapters gave me much to consider in my current parenting strategies and ideas to implement in the future. Last there was a list of 6 qualities she gave to practice being ordinary and I loved the qualities, but thought that if a child were to master those six qualities once again it would make them closer to extraordinary than ordinary as she desires.
In the end I was stirred to much contemplation through this book and so like it at least 3.5 stars worth.
February 17, 2009
A very helpful parenting/self-help book that talks about the problems today with overpraising and self-esteem. Overall I learned about my parents and how that experience might translate to my own parenting.
Although she criticizes AP, Helicopter and Indigo parents she is no way advocating a return to harsh parenting. She feels a combination of parenting skills are need to produce autonomous children based on the lessons we've learned from parenting theory in the past as well as what we know about child development.
Rather than telling are children they're special and loading them up with junk praise, we should understand and appreciate the ordinary. She talks about 6 skills that should be fostered.
1. Generosity
2. Discipline
3. Patience
4. Diligence
5. Concentration
6. Wisdom
The only reason it's not getting 5 stars is her firm belief that religion is needed to pull this all off. I'm sort of giving her a pass b/c she's a Buddhist and I think her point is that children need to learn that they're part of something bigger than them. We need to autonomous as well as interdependent.
Although she criticizes AP, Helicopter and Indigo parents she is no way advocating a return to harsh parenting. She feels a combination of parenting skills are need to produce autonomous children based on the lessons we've learned from parenting theory in the past as well as what we know about child development.
Rather than telling are children they're special and loading them up with junk praise, we should understand and appreciate the ordinary. She talks about 6 skills that should be fostered.
1. Generosity
2. Discipline
3. Patience
4. Diligence
5. Concentration
6. Wisdom
The only reason it's not getting 5 stars is her firm belief that religion is needed to pull this all off. I'm sort of giving her a pass b/c she's a Buddhist and I think her point is that children need to learn that they're part of something bigger than them. We need to autonomous as well as interdependent.
April 3, 2013
Interesting points & different persoecyivd than many mainstream parenting books. This book's title isn't a good fit with the bulk of the parenting & child psychology points the authors focuses on throughout the book. I think the best summary of her thoughts is that there is something to be says for embracing & celebrating "ordinary." I agreed with many of her discussion of character building or life skills that are lost today. She isn't saying to not praise & encourage which could be construed by the summary/descriptions. Its a bit dense as a book which makes it a little harder to go through than some other parenting books but I found it thought provoking and refreshing in the sense it is completely different than others ivd read. I like getting lots of ideas & perspectives. While Buddhism is important to her, I love that she supports all different religions & even non-religion from the stand point of having a clear foundation of values & answers to life questions incorporated into the family experience.
July 30, 2012
This was a great parenting book about raising our children to responsible caring members of society. She spent a lot of time talking about teaching our children to care about more than themselves. We live in a society where people feel they are entitled to more than they earn. The author points out how this is partially started when our children are small. There's a lot of food for though in this one.
"Self-esteem can never be simply implanted by others' comments, but it can be interfered with by too much criticism or too much unearned praise. Today's parents tend to offer too much approval and enthusiasm for their child's very existence, disrupting the child's growing ability to discern the truth about her own effects and actions."
"The truth about happiness is that we can't pursue it directly nor can we give it to others. Like self-esteem, happiness is a by-product of how we think, what we believe, and how we act."
"Self-esteem can never be simply implanted by others' comments, but it can be interfered with by too much criticism or too much unearned praise. Today's parents tend to offer too much approval and enthusiasm for their child's very existence, disrupting the child's growing ability to discern the truth about her own effects and actions."
"The truth about happiness is that we can't pursue it directly nor can we give it to others. Like self-esteem, happiness is a by-product of how we think, what we believe, and how we act."
July 14, 2009
This thoughtful, helpful self-help/parenting book argues that young people do not benefit from being lavished with praise and their parents' conviction that they are "special", so much as they suffer later from an inability to maneuver in the world on its very real and far less indulgent terms. Dr. Young-Eisendrath uses research, interviews, and lessons from spiritual practice. She urges parents and individuals to nurture self-awareness and acceptance in themselves and their children, by developing simple virtues and disciplines. She offers reflections and techniques for turning from self-absorption to openheartedness, from a sense of specialness and privilege to an embrace of being ordinary. Her core lesson is that character is more important than talent. An encouraging guide, highly recommended.
March 15, 2011
This book was written by a psychologist who has seen people of my and my parent's generation who never felt satisfied with their level of achievement. She talks about how we were trained to believe we are "special"-- in a way, better than everyone else-- which can be a big letdown because our expectations may be unreasonably high and we don't connect as well with others. Basically re-inforces the idea that we are all interconnected and the importance of helping eachother and not living in a vacuum of self (with impossibly high expectations). Eisendrath argues for parenting with discipline and also puts in an intellectual plug for religion. She also advocates letting children accept the consequences of their choices and not over-praising a child, as it sets up him/her for a lifetime of needing praise, even when it is not deserved.
November 25, 2013
I think this is a very important book for parents to read. The catchword of entitlement is everywhere in the media these days. This book tackles the issue head on. There were some ideas that I didn't totally agree with in the book. As well, there were parts of the book that made me remember snot so lovely moments of my childhood that undoubtedly had an effect, and still do have an effect, on my own self esteem. However, overall the book presents a solid argument of how to build a child's self esteem and how one can so easily destroy it. It is a fine balance to consider our protective instincts as parents versus what is actually best for our children. I know I will find it a challenge. However, I need to step up because the alternatives to positive self esteem will just create more problems for my son in the future.
May 18, 2010
This was a very thought provoking book about how we motivate our children. It made me think about the "you can do anything you want to if you just work hard enough" or "just follow your dreams" platitudes so many of us tell our kids, who tend to believe it. I really wanted to be a NASA astronaut but no matter how many science classes I took (and got Cs in) and how hard I tried to master math (and failed), it wasn't meant to be. The author offers interesting insights from now-adults who wrapped up their self esteem in high grades, achievements and the quest not to sink into an ordinary existence. They tend to be discouraged about life in general. Her suggestions for other ways to motivate and love our kids were helpful.
August 19, 2014
I enjoyed the book and it did enlighten me more about the self esteem trap which I totally fell into with my son in the 70's. My intentions were good (although ultimately self serving) praise manipulates kids as much as punitive forms of discipline (the latter being how I was raised.) This book is written in a theory style vs. practicum except for her suggestion of give your child a religion first and later on he can choose to rebel against it, which I agree with. I made that mistake too - so now that I have a religion where I do fit and I speak of it - he ridicules me from time because he has not had a grounding in it. Also, for some reason I did not think it was helpful in this book when the author shared how she was raised. Her other background info was good though.
October 14, 2009
Here is a good book not only for parents with younger children but for anyone who wants to understand the differences between the generations. Why MEgeneration is so self-absorbed and what had created the baby-Boomers phenomena? Why children in Japan will offer you a seat on the train while the kids in the USA would not even think about it? How does the style of modern parenting create a generation of anxious and depressed young adults and why parents who are not strict enough with their children can not find a common language with them when they are adults? You can find a lot of answers in this book.
February 17, 2009
I only read a bit of this book. It seemed to be talking in circles and not really getting to any point or telling me HOW to raise these confident, compassionate kids the title claims. Although, I did agree with the over-praising and the problems with parents who allow their children to run the household... It was due at the library and I was having a hard time focusing on it so I returned it.
If I would have made it past the first 50 pages, I probably could give it a more fair review... but that's it for now.
If I would have made it past the first 50 pages, I probably could give it a more fair review... but that's it for now.
March 27, 2014
Eye opening
I found this book hit on and pinpointed for me the culture of my children. I have been watching how they and their peers interact and have been unable, until this point, to figure out what has gone wrong and where to begin to unravel this weave of entitlement. the ideas presented in this book make complete sense to me. It was not a 5 star for me because it remained a bit theoretical and I would have loved more practicality, interviews and hard examples. I loved it though!!
I found this book hit on and pinpointed for me the culture of my children. I have been watching how they and their peers interact and have been unable, until this point, to figure out what has gone wrong and where to begin to unravel this weave of entitlement. the ideas presented in this book make complete sense to me. It was not a 5 star for me because it remained a bit theoretical and I would have loved more practicality, interviews and hard examples. I loved it though!!
December 16, 2015
This is a book for any parent, or child of parents, born after the mid 1960's. Read it now to find out what your parents did wrong, what you did wrong, and if you are lucky enough to read it before you have kids, what you can avoid doing wrong. This book is absolutely on the mark. I would also recommend Pampered Child Syndrome by Maggie Mamen, and Willpower: Rediscovering the Greatest Human Strength by Roy Baumeister, who explore this topic from different angles. This is such an important issue. Everyone should read this book.
April 19, 2010
This is another one of those parent books I would recommend as important reading material. The author is a psychologist/family counselor and after years of experience (and also a parent) had some very sound advice and wise thoughts to pass on to parents wanting to raise children in a society hyper-obsessed with "giving" our children good self-esteem. There is so much to agree with and implement or even pat yourself on the back from time to time. Go on, read it!
June 10, 2010
Offers a theory to counter helicopter parenting-- your kids need to learn to solve their own problems in order to develop self-confidence, they need to learn to be part of groups/society/hierarchical organizations in order to succeed and they need to develop emotional intelligence in order to face their own weaknesses and the inevitable ebb and flow that life brings. The author is short on actual practices/strategies and is focused more on developing the argument for this kind of parenting.
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