Listening Well: The Art of Empathic Understanding

by William R. Miller

Are you a good listener? How well do you really know the people around you? A capacity for empathic understanding is hard-wired in our brains, but its full expression involves particular listening skills that are seldom learned through ordinary experience. Through clear explanation, specific examples, and practical exercises, Dr. Miller offers a step-by-step process for developing your skillfulness in empathic listening. With a solid basis in sixty years of scientific research, these communication skills are not limited to professionals, and can be learned and applied in your everyday life. Instead of assuming that you know the meaning of what you think you heard, empathic listening lets you develop a more accurate understanding and prevent miscommunication. Empathic understanding can help to deepen personal relationships, alleviate conflict, communicate across differences, and promote positive change. The author also discusses skills for expressing yourself clearly, and for strengthening close relationships and friendships. Through empathic understanding you have access to life experience far beyond your own, and over time, listening well and deeply becomes a way of being, fostering a compassionate and patient acceptance of human frailties--those of others as well as your own. ""The quality of empathic listening that Carl Rogers brought to us decades ago, that unlocks treasures of intimacy, trust, peace and healing, is alive and well in Bill Miller's own unique voice, as he extends the meanings of this vital relational element for today's world. Readily integrated into our everyday lives and the larger cultures of human conflict, my hope is that we choose to live out the delicate yet strong principles of connection that Listening Well offers us."" --Gay Leah Barfield, Co-Founder and Former Director, Carl Rogers Institute for Peace, Center for Studies of the Person, La Jolla, California ""If there ever was a time for Listening Well, it is now. In its pages, we learn to use our ears to dissolve differences, open hearts, and build bridges. Nothing more needs saying."" --Scott D. Miller, Director, International Center for Clinical Excellence ""Listening Well is a super moon in the dark night sky: brilliant, absorbing, and illuminating. Bill Miller, co-developer of the revolutionary motivational interviewing, blends art and science in teaching the quintessential skills of listening and in fostering human connection."" --John C. Norcross, Professor of Psychology, University of Scranton ""Listening Well is a terrific, hands-on book for individuals or groups dedicated to caring relationships. Full of insight and practical exercises to improve listening skills, I highly recommend it to professionals and lay people alike."" --Debra Engquist, Retired Pastor ""Listening Well is about much more than listening. This short, easy-to-read book provides a brief course in human relationships. With many useful explanations, examples, and exercises, the author demonstrates the what, why, and how of empathy in human interaction. The book is eminently useful for those who want to or need to improve their listening and relationship skills at work or in personal settings."" --Howard Kirschenbaum, Former Chair, Counseling and Human Development, University of Rochester Dr. William R. Miller is Emeritus Distinguished Professor of Psychology and Psychiatry at the University of New Mexico, with over forty years of experience in teaching empathic understanding. His many books include Lovingkindness, Quantum Change, Motivational Interviewing, and Portals: Two Lives Intertwined by Adoption.

Genres: Psychology, Communication, Nonfiction, Self Help, Counselling, Social Work, Mental Health

114 pages, Paperback

Published January 3, 2018

About the author

William Richard Miller is an American clinical psychologist, an emeritus distinguished professor of psychology and psychiatry at the University of New Mexico in Albuquerque. Miller and Stephen Rollnick are the co-founders of motivational interviewing.

Reviews

[John Morris · Rating 4 out of 5]

A really short (~100 pages with big font), insightful read. Dr. Miller provides so much background and advice on effective communication - especially having empathy, affirming others, and expressing yourself. Perhaps the most practical piece of advice is the solution to Gordon's 12 Roadblocks to Listening: using reflective statements.

Rather than taking over the direction of a conversation by asking questions that interest you, try simply stating what you perceive the other person to mean. If you are correct, they may launch deeper into what they mean while feeling heard/understood. If you are incorrect, they will likely tell you and may go deeper into what they really meant anyway further clarifying what might have been misunderstood or misspoken. In doing so, understanding increases, people feel known, and you don't accidentally hijack the conversation with leading questions.

I believe to love someone is a combination of knowing and caring for someone while allowing yourself to be known and be cared for. Simply caring for someone does not cut it because you cannot care for them well without knowing them. The following quote really affirmed that perspective for me.

"We believe people will change if only they can be made to feel bad enough about themselves. Yet precisely the opposite seems to be true. Feeling unacceptable invokes a kind of paralysis that makes it very difficult to change. Ironically it is when we experience acceptance as we are, a momentary realization of unmerited respect and grace, that change becomes possible."

This quote parallels the Gospel to me. Christ accepts us and offers us grace in the midst of our flaws. On the Earth, He embraced the "well-known sinners" of his era. He lived this example. In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus warns us that in the same measure that we judge others, we also will be judged (Matthew 7). Do we wish to judge others without knowing their story? Their upbringing? Their situation? Their values? Perspectives? Influences? Do we want Christ to judge us in the same rigidness?

Listen to folks well in order to know them. Know folks well in order to care for them. Allow them to do the same for you if they so desire. That is love.

[David · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you just want *one* book to learn how to listen well, you won't go wrong choosing this one. While I haven't read all the books in this field, this one is so good that I read it twice and took copious notes. It is full of practical suggestions and tips to try. The writing is clear and concise, chapters are short, and so is the book!

[Heather Warriner · Rating 5 out of 5]

This little book is the epitome of “good things come in small packages.” At just under 100 pages long, this slim volume is a treasure trove of information! Because we all can learn to listen better, I think everyone would benefit from reading this book. Each chapter has a “Try It” section to practice the listening techniques described. This overwhelmed me a bit at first, because I struggled to make space to enlist people to practice with me. Once I decided to just read through the book and begin to employ the ideas in everyday conversations, it took the pressure off. And now I’m excited to hand this book off to my husband and have a practice partner who’s learning along with me. I’d like to boldly ask others to help me in this journey as well, because, to quote Mary Lou Casey, “What most people really need is a good listening to.”

[Rob · Rating 5 out of 5]

I stumbled upon this short book through my circle of friends interested in Spiritual Direction. Having read this during the weeks of COVID-19, racial, economic, and political unrest in my country, I could think of almost no book more useful and timely. The author does a great job of explaining empathic understanding and uses multiple sample conversations to help reinforce his points. His ideas are so practical that you can immediately start applying them. Highly recommend this book if you want to be an effective listener and understand people.

[Dylan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really great resource! Perfect for anyone just beginning to learn more about reflective listening or Motivational Interviewing. I hope to practice many of the conversations the book details to develop listening skills.

[Vicky Thrasher · Rating 5 out of 5]

Straight to the point but still delivering really great insight and examples to show/prove to the reader validity of the statements he's making. Definitely a book to periodically reread and refresh the points.

[Lizzie Dohm · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a school book but I am counting it because it is incredibly applicable to life in general :)

[Luke Hillier · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read this as an introductory text in my CPE residency and enjoyed it well enough, but also found it sort of rudimentary. The simplistic and straightforward writing is an aid to accessibility but can be underwhelming in a way that masks how genuinely thoughtful and dynamic the ideas are. I’m looking forward to implementing these frameworks and practices as a chaplain, but wouldn’t have minded a bit more to chew on while reading.

[Eileen · Rating 5 out of 5]

The world needs this one!

[Claire · Rating 5 out of 5]

A wonderful, easy-to-absorb book about listening that has really shifted how I listen. It's concise and contains lots of little exercises to practice and examples to elaborate on the teachings. I read it for my graduate Counseling Program and feel that I got more out of it than the textbook! I'll be giving it to my partner to read since I've been looking for something like this to share what type of connection I'm seeking when I'm having a rough time. I'm looking forward to practicing and developing my empathic listening skills~

[Ryan Beneke · Rating 4 out of 5]

Offers practical advice and examples of empathic listening. I was often led to reflect on times I had failed to listen well and instead opted for debate. Hope to apply some of what I learned here and do a better job understanding others’ perspectives in the future.

[Kassondra McAdams · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you are a human in a world with other humans, you need to read this book.

[Mandi Connell · Rating 4 out of 5]

*4.5. Really good, detailed enough that I learned things but short enough that I can go back and reread from time to time.

[Sarah Cassavaugh · Rating 4 out of 5]

Excellent book on the key to communication and that is listening. Good book for group discussion and applicable in many work scenarios a well as personal relationships.

[Halie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Quick and easy read, but also very powerful tips on how to communicate with others better

[Zach · Rating 5 out of 5]

Everyone should read this book in order to give the gift of conversation to whomever they encounter. Seriously, it’s only 116 pages…

[Yomna Eldawy · Rating 3 out of 5]

“Listening Well" dives straight into the importance of effective listening, a refreshing start that avoids unnecessary preamble. The author efficiently identifies twelve roadblocks that can hinder our attempts to truly hear others. This concise approach is commendable, especially compared to books that would dedicate entire chapters to each obstacle.

However, the book's focus narrows considerably when it tackles reflective listening, a technique for mirroring back the speaker's emotions and key points. While reflective listening's simplicity is a strength, devoting eight chapters to it feels repetitive.

I appreciated the clear definition of this technique, along with the insightful breakdown of listening roadblocks. However, I expected more diverse strategies. Ideally, the book would have offered guidance on applying different techniques in specific situations. For example, it could have explored when to prioritize reflective listening versus using alternative approaches based on the speaker's cues and communication goals.

Ultimately, "Listening Well" provides a valuable foundation but leans heavily on a single technique. If you're looking for a broader toolbox of listening skills tailored to various conversational contexts, this might not be the most well-rounded resource.

[Paula · Rating 3 out of 5]

I am not a fan of Carl Rogers, and was a little put off by the fact that much of what is suggested in this book involves Rogerian--or reflective--listening. I'm sure that kind of response works in therapy, where the client expects the therapist to treat them with a modicum of clinical distance. In a real relationship and conversation, Rogerian listening seems stilted, and manipulative. However, the author did his best to modify the method a tad. Your responses should not just reflect back purely what is heard, but sometimes suggest where the speaker may be going with the thought (predicting how that comment might end), or how the speaker seems to feel about the topic (predicting the value or affective content behind the words). That makes it a little less stilted, but still rather artificial. Granted, this book may be written for the therapist, or counselor. In that case, this is an improvement on Roger's method. The technique might be useful in skilled hands. I think much of the other advice, particularly about what to avoid, was useful. That's why the three stars.

[Mike Davies · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an excellent book. I read it together with my mentee. We went through each chapter individually, and discussed on the phone. Some of them we went through very slowly and practiced the suggested changes together on the phone...then separately during the week. These are valuable skills for anyone to know and incorporate in everyday life. Both of us benefited from becoming better communicators. Mr. Miller makes the concepts and practical changes understandable and relevant, elementary and powerful. It was a great experience for me/us. Thank you!

[Jackie · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 Stars - This short book had so many new and fresh ways of empathetic listening. Some of the reflective listening strategies (instead of questions) sounded so weird and then I tried it with my one word preteen — with amazing results! This doesn’t necessarily feel like something I’ll use in every conversation but feels like the key to listening better especially when meeting with people or in conflict. I would definitely recommend this book that provides creative and helpful strategies for listening.

[Paul Anderson · Rating 5 out of 5]

I set a goal this year to become a better listener, and this book contributed greatly to my improvement. I particularly benefited from sample dialogue illustrating the differences between moving the conversation forward and disrupting the flow. I had not realized that statements can be more useful than questions, even if they turn out to be wrong, as they give the speaker the opportunity to dig deeper and provide more information.

[Maggie Gravier · Rating 5 out of 5]

It took me 3.5 hours to read this, and it was wonderful! I work in the senior living industry where it’s so important to listen well and meet others where they are instead of leading from where I am or where I think they are. Beautifully written with exercises included. I was able to meet and head Dr. Miller speak at a conference, and I highly suggest you do the same if able!

[Tamara · Rating 3 out of 5]

this book added to my tool box of skills to pull from. Miller is strong in his passion to hear people well and weak in his limited view of how to listen. His writing is prescriptive and limiting rather than expansive which listening can and should be. There are many ways to listen well and Miller misses the opportunity to present his method as one of many wonderful ways to extend a listening ear.

[Mary · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a wonderfully short read. It isn't like it is groundbreaking, but it is one of the best books on listening I have read. It is simple, straightforward, and kind without feeling like the author is trying to be brilliant. There are great actionable items as well.

[Robby Eckard · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a solid book, I particularly appreciate its' conciseness. Most of the sample dialogue is corny though and he seems to suggest you should almost never ask questions, which is a bit out there. But I feel after reading this I am equipped to be a more effective listener in the future.

[Dan Absalonson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow. Great book. I think it would help anyone who reads it. Communication is hard in relationships. This book is packed full of great advice, breakdowns of how relationships and conversations fall apart, and how you can become a great listener and come to an empathetic understanding of the other.

[jjuan Hakeem · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great quick read on listening. The lost skill in America today.

- you can learn how not to go straight in to fix people mood by reading this book. I am guilty of this. Recommend to me by a good friend of mines who is a therapist.

[Simon Rutkowski · Rating 5 out of 5]

Concise and practical

Well structured and readable book on listening, the author offers activities within each chapter that help you take on board the learnings. A great book to reread, great book!

[Claire · Rating 3 out of 5]

Read because Marc asked me to do so. Very straightforward and much of it seemed very obvious to me. Still, useful for people who do not have good listening skills. Also, note that it's very much about just listening, not about improving conversation.

[Alexa Syphus · Rating 5 out of 5]

had to read this for grad school and I’m obsessed. It reminds me of the concept that they teach missionaries about just simply LISTENING while other people talk without trying to think of how you’re going to respond. Becoming a good listener is so hard!