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Leadership and Self-Deception: Getting Out of the Box
Since its original publication in 2000, Leadership and Self-Deception has become a word-of-mouth phenomenon. Its sales continue to increase year after year, and the book's popularity has gone global, with editions now available in over twenty languages.
Leadership and Self-Deception shows how the problems that typically prevent superior performance in organizations and cause conflicts in our personal lives are the result of a little-known problem called self-deception. People who are in self-deception live and work as if trapped in a box. They can't see the reality around them--they're blind to the self-serving motivations that are sabotaging them on the job and at home. But there is a way out. Through an entertaining and engaging story, Leadership and Self-Deception shows what self-deception is, how it operates, the damage it does, and, most importantly, what can be done about it.This third edition includes new research about the self-deception gap in organizations and the keys to closing this gap so that people take responsibility for their own problems and for organizational problems. It also includes the first chapter from Arbinger's latest bestseller, The Outward Mindset.
Leadership and Self-Deception shows how the problems that typically prevent superior performance in organizations and cause conflicts in our personal lives are the result of a little-known problem called self-deception. People who are in self-deception live and work as if trapped in a box. They can't see the reality around them--they're blind to the self-serving motivations that are sabotaging them on the job and at home. But there is a way out. Through an entertaining and engaging story, Leadership and Self-Deception shows what self-deception is, how it operates, the damage it does, and, most importantly, what can be done about it.This third edition includes new research about the self-deception gap in organizations and the keys to closing this gap so that people take responsibility for their own problems and for organizational problems. It also includes the first chapter from Arbinger's latest bestseller, The Outward Mindset.
221 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2000
3155 people are currently reading
35942 people want to read
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Arbinger Institute
8 books375 followersThe Arbinger Institute is a global leadership development firm that helps organizations shift their mindsets, transform their cultures, and drive changes that lead to exceptional results.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 3,209 reviews
February 3, 2011
This is a hard book to read - not because the language or ideas are lofty (just the opposite, the ideas have been made extremely accessible) -- the reason this book was hard to read, is because it nearly forces you to take a hard look at the way you live, the way you treat others, and the way you navigate through business, personal, and other situations.
The biggest take aways from this book, in my humble opinion, are that we often are at least part of the cause of the problems that we *blame* on others. The blame game is how we deceive ourselves... and effectively undermine any solution to the problem. We then *need* things to go wrong in order for us to feel justified in that blame --- that's not a very easy truth reconcile oneself with.
You come away from this book not self-condemning, but enlightened, and with a renewed vigor in trying to mend personal relationships, and thence professional ones. This book *can be* deeply good for not only yourself, but for all of those who surround you. Read it, understand it, think about it, live it, and then pass it along to those around.
The biggest take aways from this book, in my humble opinion, are that we often are at least part of the cause of the problems that we *blame* on others. The blame game is how we deceive ourselves... and effectively undermine any solution to the problem. We then *need* things to go wrong in order for us to feel justified in that blame --- that's not a very easy truth reconcile oneself with.
You come away from this book not self-condemning, but enlightened, and with a renewed vigor in trying to mend personal relationships, and thence professional ones. This book *can be* deeply good for not only yourself, but for all of those who surround you. Read it, understand it, think about it, live it, and then pass it along to those around.
April 4, 2013
Good principles, a good teaching tool for organizations, but painful to get through.
I assume the story format is aimed to make the read easier to get through and understand, but instead it felt like a local TV commercial with a bad script. I would prefer that the narrator was straight, to-the-point and speaking to the reader. Examples are helpful, but following Tom's slow learning process made me feel like I was in a math class that I was too advanced for, ready to move on to the more complicated stuff but being held back by other students.
The box metaphor also began to irk me. In certain sections, I wrote a note to myself to replace "in the box" with "acting like a selfish jerk" and "out of the box" with "being considerate of other people." I just wanted to be spoken to in real terms.
The box metaphor and story format will hopefully be condusive to a group discussion among team members of an organization, but if you are reading on your own to improve your relationship skills at work, there must be something better.
I assume the story format is aimed to make the read easier to get through and understand, but instead it felt like a local TV commercial with a bad script. I would prefer that the narrator was straight, to-the-point and speaking to the reader. Examples are helpful, but following Tom's slow learning process made me feel like I was in a math class that I was too advanced for, ready to move on to the more complicated stuff but being held back by other students.
The box metaphor also began to irk me. In certain sections, I wrote a note to myself to replace "in the box" with "acting like a selfish jerk" and "out of the box" with "being considerate of other people." I just wanted to be spoken to in real terms.
The box metaphor and story format will hopefully be condusive to a group discussion among team members of an organization, but if you are reading on your own to improve your relationship skills at work, there must be something better.
February 18, 2008
I know a lot of people who really love this book. It takes complex ideas and presents them in an easy-to-follow format. Which is fine if you're 10 years old. I felt like it was dumbed-down and assumed the reader is less than intelligent. Despite its big print, simple sentences, and few pages, it was a struggle to make it to the end. Want the same ideas presented to competent adults? Check out "Bonds that Make Us Free" by C. Terry Warner.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
April 28, 2019
There was a part of this right near the end of the ‘book’ where the authors say ‘Don’t use the vocabulary—“the box,” and so on—with people who don’t already know it’ - and I thought, ‘oh yeah...here we go.’ In the afterword they say that one of the impacts of the book has been how it has helped people all over the world in various ways - and that they even have ‘out of the box’ parties in Japan. If you are keen to join a HR cult - this is one that is perhaps not as bad as some others you might find yourself in. It has all of the metaphors you can use to be able to talk in code and stroke your own ego knowing what being ‘in the box’ means or ‘self-betrayal’ or ‘collusion’ are - none of which, of course, quite have their standard meanings.
The metaphor of being in or out of the box is particularly odd. Not least since it is never entirely clear what the ‘box’ is. The idea behind it is that we self-justify our own actions and blame others for what we then perceive they do wrong. I found the idea of this being ‘in a box’ something of a forced metaphor.
Basically, the core of this book is the golden rule updated for business needs - although, a lot of this book also looked at how you could apply the same ideas discussed here to your personal life with success and to advantage - if not profit, per se. Now, naturally enough, after 2000 years of Christianity and Buddhism etc, the golden rule can’t particularly be said to have caught on all that well, at least not in actions, if it has done better in self-declaration. There is lots in this book about treating others as people, and of taking personal responsibility for the things that happen in your life. I think all of this is great. Like I said, these lessons have been around for a very long time and so they are likely to have something going for them. Kant talks about all this in his theory of morality - but he doesn’t do it as a series of sort of chatty confessions, so, I guess he can be ignored by the self-help book world.
My problem with this isn’t really that it isn’t all that different from the religious traditions of both east and west - but rather that it fits all too well with much more recent Human Resources traditions. That is, the belief that employees and employers have identical needs and interests - and these are fully realised in improved productivity. That any problems that exist in the work place are the result of employees (or perhaps even employers) own individual problems. That addressing these individualised problems is the only means to address the problems that exist in the workplace (or in your marriage or anywhere else). And that if you can’t change as an individual, then maybe it is time for you to take personal responsibility and leave the organisation.
This all hides what might be considered the ‘systematic’ problems that might underlie issues in the workplace. For instance, given that the ultimate goal of an organisation is to increase productivity and value, that most likely today will be realised by increasing the precarious nature of employment for most people. This has been the direction employment has been moving in. And while it is really nice that the employer is going to think of me as a person, and not just a cog, it might also be nice if I had a living wage and, yeah, maybe some meaningful work too. That so much of HR practice has been to introduce Fordist practices in all jobs, white or blue collar, and to have done this for decades, talk of my problems being that I’m ‘in the box’ might be due to my needing to live in a cardboard box due to not having a real job that pays a living wage.
I think if any book seeks to address the issues facing workplaces and does so by focusing on atomised individuals, you can assume you are being taken for a bit of a ride.
The metaphor of being in or out of the box is particularly odd. Not least since it is never entirely clear what the ‘box’ is. The idea behind it is that we self-justify our own actions and blame others for what we then perceive they do wrong. I found the idea of this being ‘in a box’ something of a forced metaphor.
Basically, the core of this book is the golden rule updated for business needs - although, a lot of this book also looked at how you could apply the same ideas discussed here to your personal life with success and to advantage - if not profit, per se. Now, naturally enough, after 2000 years of Christianity and Buddhism etc, the golden rule can’t particularly be said to have caught on all that well, at least not in actions, if it has done better in self-declaration. There is lots in this book about treating others as people, and of taking personal responsibility for the things that happen in your life. I think all of this is great. Like I said, these lessons have been around for a very long time and so they are likely to have something going for them. Kant talks about all this in his theory of morality - but he doesn’t do it as a series of sort of chatty confessions, so, I guess he can be ignored by the self-help book world.
My problem with this isn’t really that it isn’t all that different from the religious traditions of both east and west - but rather that it fits all too well with much more recent Human Resources traditions. That is, the belief that employees and employers have identical needs and interests - and these are fully realised in improved productivity. That any problems that exist in the work place are the result of employees (or perhaps even employers) own individual problems. That addressing these individualised problems is the only means to address the problems that exist in the workplace (or in your marriage or anywhere else). And that if you can’t change as an individual, then maybe it is time for you to take personal responsibility and leave the organisation.
This all hides what might be considered the ‘systematic’ problems that might underlie issues in the workplace. For instance, given that the ultimate goal of an organisation is to increase productivity and value, that most likely today will be realised by increasing the precarious nature of employment for most people. This has been the direction employment has been moving in. And while it is really nice that the employer is going to think of me as a person, and not just a cog, it might also be nice if I had a living wage and, yeah, maybe some meaningful work too. That so much of HR practice has been to introduce Fordist practices in all jobs, white or blue collar, and to have done this for decades, talk of my problems being that I’m ‘in the box’ might be due to my needing to live in a cardboard box due to not having a real job that pays a living wage.
I think if any book seeks to address the issues facing workplaces and does so by focusing on atomised individuals, you can assume you are being taken for a bit of a ride.
Read
July 28, 2014Really struggled with this book, and I see from the average rating that I'm in the minority here. The contrived fable format... the condescending, read-my-mind closed question interrogations... the shallow introspection... the insistence on the reader forgetting what he or she knows about the phrases "in the box" and "out of the box" to adopt a new meaning just for this book... long-winded (pages-long) pseudo-explanations of new concepts and jargon that only muddy the waters more, like this excerpt:
“By blaming, I invite others to get in the box, and they then blame me for blaming them unjustly. But because, while I’m in the box, I feel justified in blaming them, I feel that their blame is unjust and blame them even more. But of course, while they’re in the box they feel justified in blaming me and feel that my further blame is unjust. So they blame me even more. And so on. So, by being in the box, I invite others to be in the box in response. And others, be being in the box in response, invite me to stay in the box.”
Say what?! Maybe another way of saying that is, "Blame often creates a self-perpetuating victim spiral."
More than anything else, it embarrasses me that the moral of the story, as far as I can tell, is that businesspeople need to remember to treat other people like humans, with respect and care. Is it the state of business today that leaders need this heavy-handed reminder?
“By blaming, I invite others to get in the box, and they then blame me for blaming them unjustly. But because, while I’m in the box, I feel justified in blaming them, I feel that their blame is unjust and blame them even more. But of course, while they’re in the box they feel justified in blaming me and feel that my further blame is unjust. So they blame me even more. And so on. So, by being in the box, I invite others to be in the box in response. And others, be being in the box in response, invite me to stay in the box.”
Say what?! Maybe another way of saying that is, "Blame often creates a self-perpetuating victim spiral."
More than anything else, it embarrasses me that the moral of the story, as far as I can tell, is that businesspeople need to remember to treat other people like humans, with respect and care. Is it the state of business today that leaders need this heavy-handed reminder?
February 19, 2018
Was required reading at my company, would not have gone down this path on my own accord. The only saving grace is this book is an incredibly fast and fluffy read. The whole point? Treat people with respect, talk to them like humans, don't be a judge-y asshole that externalizes your problems and develop some emotional awareness, bruh. This point is reiterated through 170 pages of pseudo-philosophical enlightenment dialogue between "Tom," the emotionally maldeveloped executive, and his sage mentor/CEO/boss figure. You are "in the box" when you are deceiving yourself, blaming others and judging them to support your own fragile, warped worldview. You're "out of the box" when you aren't treating people like shit and recognize that there's more to life than optimizing the success your corporate silo at the expense of your friends and family (and yourself, Tom!). In case it isn't clear, you don't want to be in the box. Also, if you illegally park in a handicap parking spot and walk away while feigning a limp so that nobody knows you're cheating the system, you're an asshole. The book makes this last point clear.
February 5, 2018
"My self-justifying image about being learned can be the very thing that sometimes keeps me from learning."
- The Arbinger Institute, Leadership and Self-Deception
Like most series, I tend to read them backwards. I've known about these Arbinger books for years, but only recently read them. Last year I read Anatomy of Peace and figured it made sense to close the circle on the "box" and read the book that started the whole Arbinger/Self-Deception/Leadership thing.
A quick background (I talk about this a bit in my Anatomy of Peace review): I know C. Terry Warner's family. I actually went to a private, prep school in Provo, Utah with both C. Terry Warner's kids and Steven R. Covey's kids (all we needed was Clayton Christensen's kids and we would have had a full set). The school was amazing. I didn't realize at the time that I was learning French and pre-Calc among the progeny of Leadership Gurus.
First, let me back up. You might never even recognize C. Terry Warner's name while reading this book. He isn't mentioned anywhere in the book directly. It has, however, his philosophical fingerprints all over it. The book isn't written by one person, but rather by an organization (Arbinger Institute) that was founded by Dr. Warner. It builds on C. Terry Warner's ideas of self-deception, human emotions, and organizational performance.
C. Terry Warner is a PhD in philosophy and taught for years at BYU so it is natural that the foundations of a lot of Arbinger (a company he founded) is centered around philosophy, theology, and psychology. This book focuses on self-deception, and how treating people as objects and not people, and self-betrayal (not acting on our impulse to help others), hurts families, organizations, and individuals. I think the ideas in this book are sound. I wasn't, however, a fan of the terms "in the box" or "out of the box". I understand why they used it (simplicity, visually instructive, intuitive), but it also seemed a bit too simplistic (maybe that is what today's business demand?) and confusing (for years people have used the cliche "thinking outside the box" which is a completely different idea).
Anyway, I generally hate self-help and corporate leadership books. I do, however, have a soft spot for the Arbinger books, and do find them to be a bit more useful than most. Part of the reason I liked, yet am still also a bit conflicted about it, fits into a term coined by my friend Nathaniel. He called Arbinger and Covey books a sub-genre of "covertly religious business books". Some of the stories were familiar to me locally. Some concepts seemed, like Covey's The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change, to repackage theological and ethical arguments I am very familiar with. Again, some of that may come from where I grew up, and the kids I was hanging with.
- The Arbinger Institute, Leadership and Self-Deception
Like most series, I tend to read them backwards. I've known about these Arbinger books for years, but only recently read them. Last year I read Anatomy of Peace and figured it made sense to close the circle on the "box" and read the book that started the whole Arbinger/Self-Deception/Leadership thing.
A quick background (I talk about this a bit in my Anatomy of Peace review): I know C. Terry Warner's family. I actually went to a private, prep school in Provo, Utah with both C. Terry Warner's kids and Steven R. Covey's kids (all we needed was Clayton Christensen's kids and we would have had a full set). The school was amazing. I didn't realize at the time that I was learning French and pre-Calc among the progeny of Leadership Gurus.
First, let me back up. You might never even recognize C. Terry Warner's name while reading this book. He isn't mentioned anywhere in the book directly. It has, however, his philosophical fingerprints all over it. The book isn't written by one person, but rather by an organization (Arbinger Institute) that was founded by Dr. Warner. It builds on C. Terry Warner's ideas of self-deception, human emotions, and organizational performance.
C. Terry Warner is a PhD in philosophy and taught for years at BYU so it is natural that the foundations of a lot of Arbinger (a company he founded) is centered around philosophy, theology, and psychology. This book focuses on self-deception, and how treating people as objects and not people, and self-betrayal (not acting on our impulse to help others), hurts families, organizations, and individuals. I think the ideas in this book are sound. I wasn't, however, a fan of the terms "in the box" or "out of the box". I understand why they used it (simplicity, visually instructive, intuitive), but it also seemed a bit too simplistic (maybe that is what today's business demand?) and confusing (for years people have used the cliche "thinking outside the box" which is a completely different idea).
Anyway, I generally hate self-help and corporate leadership books. I do, however, have a soft spot for the Arbinger books, and do find them to be a bit more useful than most. Part of the reason I liked, yet am still also a bit conflicted about it, fits into a term coined by my friend Nathaniel. He called Arbinger and Covey books a sub-genre of "covertly religious business books". Some of the stories were familiar to me locally. Some concepts seemed, like Covey's The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change, to repackage theological and ethical arguments I am very familiar with. Again, some of that may come from where I grew up, and the kids I was hanging with.
August 15, 2010
I read this book in one day...I just couldn't put it down. An excellent book on how to be a better person and leader. Really set well with my beliefs on building relationships which are the love of others versus love of self. I think I will buy this book for each of my adult children to read. Hopefully they can learn these concepts faster than the 52 years it has taken me!
It is also a MUST read for leaders in business, especially if you are involved in Network Marketing. Really it is a must read for anyone who wants to make quantum leaps in reaching results in attaining their goals.
I want to thank my son-in-law Brett Taylor who loaned me the book to read. Thank you for thinking so good of me.
It is also a MUST read for leaders in business, especially if you are involved in Network Marketing. Really it is a must read for anyone who wants to make quantum leaps in reaching results in attaining their goals.
I want to thank my son-in-law Brett Taylor who loaned me the book to read. Thank you for thinking so good of me.
April 23, 2018
So I read this back in college because Terry Warner (the author of Bonds That Make Us Free on whose ideas this book is based) was my freshman year philosophy professor. The man is amazing. He's a saint and he's brilliant and his ideas have been my life's guiding principles. I've read Bonds that Make us Free like 10 times. I hated this when I first read it college, but then I just re-read it again because it's short and I wanted a reminder. And it's like reading beautiful ideas of philosophy (rooted in Buber's concept of I and Thou) and then speaking them through corporate speech. "Getting out of the box will help our company's bottom line." It's a prostituting of some great concepts. The book is also so cheesy. Just read the original.
March 15, 2021
This book should be renamed "straight men learn how to be empathetic and not assholes to women, especially in the workplace". LOL, all the main characters in this book are men and are aggressive, patronizing, and downright cruel towards all the women in this book, and then the men learn how to be better people. I feel like there are some good concepts in here, and this would be a great read for someone who is low on emotional intelligence or empathy and needs to expand their worldview to learn how not to be a jerk in the workplace. But otherwise, the way these concepts are presented is weird. What a strange book.
August 23, 2020
تعلّمت فكرتين رهيبتين
1- فكرة التواطؤ:
تصوّرك عن الآخر سيجعلك تعامله بطريقة تعزّز تصوّره عنك
تصوّره هذا يجعله يعاملك بطريقة تعزّز تصوّرك عنه
وهذا ما يعقّد أزمة العلاقات ويسيّرها باتجاه واحد
إمّا إلى الهاوية وإمّا إلى الرضى، مالذي يحدّد ذلك؟
تصوّرك عنه، هو ما يصنع الدائرة المغلقة أو يكسرها
2- مثلّث كسر التواطؤ:
لتحلّ مشكلتك مع الآخر، غيّر تصوّرك عنه
وابن علاقتك الشخصيّة معه بعيدًا عن المشكلة
هذا أفضل من سؤاله مباشرة عن المشكلة والإنصات له
والإنصات أفضل من تعليمه ماينبغي أن تكون عليه الأمور
وتعليمه أهون من أن تعطيه التوجيهات المباشرة
فكرتان تستحقّان قراءة الكتاب
لكنّي لا أحبّ قالب القصص
1- فكرة التواطؤ:
تصوّرك عن الآخر سيجعلك تعامله بطريقة تعزّز تصوّره عنك
تصوّره هذا يجعله يعاملك بطريقة تعزّز تصوّرك عنه
وهذا ما يعقّد أزمة العلاقات ويسيّرها باتجاه واحد
إمّا إلى الهاوية وإمّا إلى الرضى، مالذي يحدّد ذلك؟
تصوّرك عنه، هو ما يصنع الدائرة المغلقة أو يكسرها
2- مثلّث كسر التواطؤ:
لتحلّ مشكلتك مع الآخر، غيّر تصوّرك عنه
وابن علاقتك الشخصيّة معه بعيدًا عن المشكلة
هذا أفضل من سؤاله مباشرة عن المشكلة والإنصات له
والإنصات أفضل من تعليمه ماينبغي أن تكون عليه الأمور
وتعليمه أهون من أن تعطيه التوجيهات المباشرة
فكرتان تستحقّان قراءة الكتاب
لكنّي لا أحبّ قالب القصص
August 23, 2025
6 stars. One of my favourite leadership books of all time! Here are the best bits:
"But here's the point, Tom: Was there an apology to
accept?"
"No, because you didn't really mean it, just like Nancy said." -
"That's right. My words said I'm sorry, but my feelings didn't, and it was the way I was feeling
"The point, here, Tom," I heard Bud say, calling me back from my troubles, "is that we can sense how others are feeling toward us. Given a little time, we can always tell when we're being coped with, manipulated, or outsmarted. We can always detect the hypocrisy. We can always feel the blame concealed beneath veneers of niceness. And we typically resent it. It won't matter if the other person tries managing by walking around, sitting on the edge of the chair to practice active listening, inquiring about family members in order to show interest, or using any other skill learned in order to be more effective. What we'll know and respond to is how that person is regarding us when doing those things."
"I have found at least with me," Bud continued, "that if I'm not interested in knowing a person's name, I'm probably not really interested in the person as a person. For me, it's a basic litmus test.
people respond not primarily to what you do but to how you're being — whether you're in or out of the box toward them."
"Self-betrayal"
An act contrary to what I feel I should do for another is called an act of "self-betrayal."
When I betray myself, I begin to see the world in a way that justifies my self-betrayal.
When I see a self-justifying world, my view of reality becomes distorted.
So-when I betray myself, I enter the box.
Overtime certain boxes become characteristic of me and I carried them with me.
By being in the box, I provoke others to be in the box.
We don't see people straightforwardly, as people. Rather, we see them in terms of the self-justifying images we've created. If people act in ways that challenge the claim made by a self-justifying image, we see them as threats.
"When I'm in the box, there's something I need more than what I think I want most. It's like I said a couple of minutes ago. In the box, I'm blind even to my own motivations. So what do you think that is? What do I need most when I'm in the box?" I repeated the question to myself. What do I need most when I'm in the box? What do I need? I wasn't sure.
Kate leaned toward me. "What I need most when I'm in the box is to feel justified.
"Exactly. And that's just the point," Bud said, leaning toward me. "Because I was in the box, I couldn't mean it. In the box, every change I can think of is just a change in my style of being in the box. I can change from arguing to kissing. I can change from ignoring someone to going out of my way to shower that person with attention. But whatever changes I think of in the box are changes I think of from within the box, and they are therefore just more of the box-which is the problem in the first place. Others remain objects to me.
And then you're telling me on top of that that I can't even get out of the box by changing myself?" "Well you can't get out by continuing to focus on your-self-which is what you do when you try to change your behavior in the box. So yes, that is what we're saying," he answered calmly. "But then how could we ever get out? I mean, if what you're saying is right, then there's no way out. We're all stuck."
This is why the way out of the box is always right before our eyes — because the people we're resisting are right before our eyes. We can stop betraying ourselves toward them — we can stop resisting them.'
"So although it's true that there is nothing we can do from within the box to get ourselves out, in the out-of-the-box moments provided by our out-of-the-box relationships, there are a whole host of things we can do — things that can help us reduce our in-the-box moments and heal our in-the-box rela-tionships. In fact, this is precisely what your experience with Bud and Kate did for you yesterday-you did something while you were out of the box toward Bud and Kate that helped you to get out of the box toward Laura. My mind searched for the answer. "What did I do?" "You questioned your own virtue."
"But here's the point, Tom: Was there an apology to
accept?"
"No, because you didn't really mean it, just like Nancy said." -
"That's right. My words said I'm sorry, but my feelings didn't, and it was the way I was feeling
"The point, here, Tom," I heard Bud say, calling me back from my troubles, "is that we can sense how others are feeling toward us. Given a little time, we can always tell when we're being coped with, manipulated, or outsmarted. We can always detect the hypocrisy. We can always feel the blame concealed beneath veneers of niceness. And we typically resent it. It won't matter if the other person tries managing by walking around, sitting on the edge of the chair to practice active listening, inquiring about family members in order to show interest, or using any other skill learned in order to be more effective. What we'll know and respond to is how that person is regarding us when doing those things."
"I have found at least with me," Bud continued, "that if I'm not interested in knowing a person's name, I'm probably not really interested in the person as a person. For me, it's a basic litmus test.
people respond not primarily to what you do but to how you're being — whether you're in or out of the box toward them."
"Self-betrayal"
An act contrary to what I feel I should do for another is called an act of "self-betrayal."
When I betray myself, I begin to see the world in a way that justifies my self-betrayal.
When I see a self-justifying world, my view of reality becomes distorted.
So-when I betray myself, I enter the box.
Overtime certain boxes become characteristic of me and I carried them with me.
By being in the box, I provoke others to be in the box.
We don't see people straightforwardly, as people. Rather, we see them in terms of the self-justifying images we've created. If people act in ways that challenge the claim made by a self-justifying image, we see them as threats.
"When I'm in the box, there's something I need more than what I think I want most. It's like I said a couple of minutes ago. In the box, I'm blind even to my own motivations. So what do you think that is? What do I need most when I'm in the box?" I repeated the question to myself. What do I need most when I'm in the box? What do I need? I wasn't sure.
Kate leaned toward me. "What I need most when I'm in the box is to feel justified.
"Exactly. And that's just the point," Bud said, leaning toward me. "Because I was in the box, I couldn't mean it. In the box, every change I can think of is just a change in my style of being in the box. I can change from arguing to kissing. I can change from ignoring someone to going out of my way to shower that person with attention. But whatever changes I think of in the box are changes I think of from within the box, and they are therefore just more of the box-which is the problem in the first place. Others remain objects to me.
And then you're telling me on top of that that I can't even get out of the box by changing myself?" "Well you can't get out by continuing to focus on your-self-which is what you do when you try to change your behavior in the box. So yes, that is what we're saying," he answered calmly. "But then how could we ever get out? I mean, if what you're saying is right, then there's no way out. We're all stuck."
This is why the way out of the box is always right before our eyes — because the people we're resisting are right before our eyes. We can stop betraying ourselves toward them — we can stop resisting them.'
"So although it's true that there is nothing we can do from within the box to get ourselves out, in the out-of-the-box moments provided by our out-of-the-box relationships, there are a whole host of things we can do — things that can help us reduce our in-the-box moments and heal our in-the-box rela-tionships. In fact, this is precisely what your experience with Bud and Kate did for you yesterday-you did something while you were out of the box toward Bud and Kate that helped you to get out of the box toward Laura. My mind searched for the answer. "What did I do?" "You questioned your own virtue."
March 24, 2010
READ THIS BOOK RIGHT NOW.
I'm serious.
I'm not really into management books, but this one was recommended to me by a friend and mentor who I respect immensely. She gave me her copy months and months ago, and boy do I wish I picked it up sooner.
Firstly, this book is incredibly readable. Though it's about communication and interpersonal relationships, it's not a dry, non-fiction handbook. The concepts the book present are unveiled slowly, through a fictional story. Tons of real-life examples are used, and the story just makes you wanna keep reading to find out the next step in getting out of the box. I flew through this book in a couple of days.
I won't try to explain the concepts presented in this book; you really need to read it. But suffice it to say that they have changed the way I look at myself and others close to me. I am SO in the box most of the time, and it's time that I got out. I look forward to putting the concepts presented in this book into practice. I know my family, friends, and co-workers will appreciate it.
I'm serious.
I'm not really into management books, but this one was recommended to me by a friend and mentor who I respect immensely. She gave me her copy months and months ago, and boy do I wish I picked it up sooner.
Firstly, this book is incredibly readable. Though it's about communication and interpersonal relationships, it's not a dry, non-fiction handbook. The concepts the book present are unveiled slowly, through a fictional story. Tons of real-life examples are used, and the story just makes you wanna keep reading to find out the next step in getting out of the box. I flew through this book in a couple of days.
I won't try to explain the concepts presented in this book; you really need to read it. But suffice it to say that they have changed the way I look at myself and others close to me. I am SO in the box most of the time, and it's time that I got out. I look forward to putting the concepts presented in this book into practice. I know my family, friends, and co-workers will appreciate it.
February 27, 2021
The book belabors and repeats the idea of being “in” or “out” of “the box.” While I understand creating your own language for an idea as a metaphor, the word box was used ad nauseum throughout the book. I found the premise of a company COO taking a full day to enlighten managers about how to treat people rather preposterous. Even more so the life-changing epiphany experienced by Tom. After the first chapter or two, there are no new ideas expressed; merely a rehashing of the same idea over and over again through somewhat tedious dialogue and story-telling. To sum up the book, be self-aware and consider situations from the perspective of others involved. Treat others as you would like to be treated.
September 13, 2023
I read this book for a graduate-level class, and though the concepts it attempted to address are worthy of engagement, I was unimpressed and frustrated by the juvenile presentation. Through a story with awful writing and a painstakingly unaware main character, it over-complicates themes of emotional intelligence, interpersonal relationships within the workplace, and conflict resolution that are, perhaps, more well-explored by their audience than the authors presumed. It felt like I could see “the point” from a million miles away and was screaming at the characters to “just get there already.” I can pick up any other psychology or spirituality book written from an academic standpoint and learn in 2 chapters what this book stretched out for 200 pages.
August 26, 2022
روش نگارش «مدیریت و خودفریبی» روایی و داستان گونه است. مدیری که در آستانهٔ ارتقای شغلی قرار دارد، از آشنایی خود با دانش شگفت انگیزی حکایت می کند که موجب حل مشکلات می شود و آدم ها را متوجه اشتباهاتشان در راه رسیدن به نتایج دلخواه می سازد. این حکایت با آن که در برخی قسمت ها با ارایهٔ نمودارها، جداول و اشکال گویا و طرح پرسش هایی دقیق به آموزش نکات مدیریتی و حتی معنوی می پردازد، اما در هیچ کجا زبان شیرین و روان داستانی را از دست نمی دهد و از این رو موجب ملال و دلزدگی خواننده نمی شود. گویا خواننده در سراسر کتاب در عین حال که رو به روی یک لوح آموزشی نشسته و چشمان مشتاق خود را به آن دوخته، نفس گرم یک پیر آزموده و قصه گو را نیز حس می کند و صدای گیرا و بانفوذ او بر جانش می نشیند. هنر برجستهٔ «مدیریت و خودفریبی» درآمیختن مطالب آموزشی مدیریت از مجرای رهنمودهای معنوی و در بستر ماجراهای ملموس و فراگیر هر روز زندگی ست.
February 26, 2018
Excellent extended business-oriented parable on what happens when you ignore the instinctual feeling to help those around you. You either honor that feeling or you betray it. What happens when you betray it? It ain’t good according to the book. It’s self-betrayal that sets off a chain of events that leaves you feeling justified and others looking contemptible. You wind up calling that your character and living in a warped version of reality with warped results in all your actions. Worse still you’re probably doing this all the time. It has a dated Sunday School feel to it for a book published in 2002 but I won't knock points for that. It all rang true. Highly recommended.
October 29, 2018
You know that occasional, elusive thought of something you should do? Like taking out the trash? But instead of doing it, you replace it resentment. Why am I always the one taking out the garbage? In an instant, you conjure up a reality where your inaction is wholly justified: They need to pull their share of the responsibilities and take out the trash more often. In this new reality you've created, the resentment feeds on itself as you wait for them to do it. But they don't. Because they can't read your thoughts.
This book is about these moments of self-deception, big and small. That when we start deceiving ourselves, we influence those around us to do the same. It's honestly a lot more work to reproach someone for not taking out the garbage than just doing it (or talking about it).
When there's a disconnect between our sense of what's right and what we do, we engage in what the book coins as 'self-betrayal.' If we don't pay attention to these moments of self-betrayal, we easily drift into our own, self-serving stories. The idea is not new. You can summarize it as "assume good intentions", "default to the most respectable interpretation," or fundamental attribution error: What would have to be true for this person to act this way? However, it goes in much more depth with the profound effect it has on the environment around us to follow and not follow this common-sensical advice. That it's much harder than we give it credit for, but that we can be better at catching ourselves.
It's told as fiction, similar to The Goal, or 5 Dysfunctions of a Team. It's an easy read, with a robust and applicable takeaway. Definitely comes highly recommended.
This book is about these moments of self-deception, big and small. That when we start deceiving ourselves, we influence those around us to do the same. It's honestly a lot more work to reproach someone for not taking out the garbage than just doing it (or talking about it).
When there's a disconnect between our sense of what's right and what we do, we engage in what the book coins as 'self-betrayal.' If we don't pay attention to these moments of self-betrayal, we easily drift into our own, self-serving stories. The idea is not new. You can summarize it as "assume good intentions", "default to the most respectable interpretation," or fundamental attribution error: What would have to be true for this person to act this way? However, it goes in much more depth with the profound effect it has on the environment around us to follow and not follow this common-sensical advice. That it's much harder than we give it credit for, but that we can be better at catching ourselves.
It's told as fiction, similar to The Goal, or 5 Dysfunctions of a Team. It's an easy read, with a robust and applicable takeaway. Definitely comes highly recommended.
May 13, 2016
The core ideas in the book -- what the authors call getting "in the box" toward others and how to get out of the box -- are helpful. However, two things keep me from giving this book a higher rating.
First, the story the authors use to introduce these core ideas to the reader could have been much shorter with higher impact. See Patrick Lencioni's business fables for an example of that.
Second, two key terms in the book -- "in the box" and "self-betrayal" -- are not good fits for what the authors are describing. And these terms are used throughout the book and more frequently than any others.
What the authors describe as "self-betrayal" is actually about how we think about, respond to and act toward others. "Self-focus" or "defensive" or a term that was more about betraying others would have been more fitting. I had a hard time getting past the misuse of "self-betrayal" and almost gave up on the book because of it. Meanwhile being "in the box" toward someone else doesn't give a picture that aligns with the outward attitudes and actions the authors describe. Given this book has been around for a while, it is probably too late to change either of these terms.
Leadership and Self Deception loses a lot of its potential impact, because it is longer than need be and not as clear as it could be. Still it is worth a quick, skimming-through-it read to get the key messages and to see where you are falling into these traps as a leader.
First, the story the authors use to introduce these core ideas to the reader could have been much shorter with higher impact. See Patrick Lencioni's business fables for an example of that.
Second, two key terms in the book -- "in the box" and "self-betrayal" -- are not good fits for what the authors are describing. And these terms are used throughout the book and more frequently than any others.
What the authors describe as "self-betrayal" is actually about how we think about, respond to and act toward others. "Self-focus" or "defensive" or a term that was more about betraying others would have been more fitting. I had a hard time getting past the misuse of "self-betrayal" and almost gave up on the book because of it. Meanwhile being "in the box" toward someone else doesn't give a picture that aligns with the outward attitudes and actions the authors describe. Given this book has been around for a while, it is probably too late to change either of these terms.
Leadership and Self Deception loses a lot of its potential impact, because it is longer than need be and not as clear as it could be. Still it is worth a quick, skimming-through-it read to get the key messages and to see where you are falling into these traps as a leader.
November 18, 2008
A book that teaches powerful principles that I have already begun implementing to great effect in my own life. The principles we already know for the most part, and the general truths don't surprise, but The Arbinger Institute has blended and crafted them in such a way as to help us really put it all together. My favorite and most meaningful insight is that when we are "in the box" it doesn't matter what we do, how helpful or good we try to be, we will end up defeating ourselves. Forget blame and see people for who and what they are, rather than as instruments to our own ends. Anyway, lot's of great stuff. Frankly I think everyone needs to read it, for the sake of all their relationships, at work, at home, and anywhere else. Bravo Arbinger!
May 23, 2019
The analogy of "being in the box" is stupid...but the concepts and knowledge is this book is awesome. The book articulated something I've tried to explain to myself but was unable to do, at least not to this level of clarity.
This is going into my "books all managers should read" list.
Notes for myself:
- You get in the box due to self-betrayal
- *After* that you justify your action (or lack of action) by making the other person seem terrible and yourself seem great
- After a while you can be default "in the box" with someone else, even without self-betrayal in a particular situation.
- You should audit your relationships and figure out who you're in or out of the box with
This is going into my "books all managers should read" list.
Notes for myself:
- You get in the box due to self-betrayal
- *After* that you justify your action (or lack of action) by making the other person seem terrible and yourself seem great
- After a while you can be default "in the box" with someone else, even without self-betrayal in a particular situation.
- You should audit your relationships and figure out who you're in or out of the box with
March 21, 2019
I literally, just threw this in the garbage. I have never done that with a book but seriously...there are so many far better books on this topic out there.
September 7, 2024
Overall good lessons but it reads like those cheesy HR training videos that you have to do every so often at work
August 13, 2023
This is going to be a brief review. This book is one of those books on personal leadership and leadership development. There are many of these. Some good, some bad, and some with good ideas badly delivered. The key is simply this. This is one of those books that you will get out of it what you put into it. If you are willing to indulge yourself in its principles and proper application, you will enjoy this book tremendously for the foundational groundwork it lays. For those who either aren’t interested in self-improvement or find some of the “One Minute Manager” style of storytelling delivery a bit cheesy, then this is not for them. That is probably a fair view on the dividing line in how to approach this reading experience.
For me, I found it an interesting and fascinating approach to integrity and ethical based development on both a personal and leadership level. Well-worth reading, and much more importantly, full of applicable lessons that I will incorporate into my own life, both personally and professionally. I know it will be well worth it.
For me, I found it an interesting and fascinating approach to integrity and ethical based development on both a personal and leadership level. Well-worth reading, and much more importantly, full of applicable lessons that I will incorporate into my own life, both personally and professionally. I know it will be well worth it.
July 26, 2025
note to self: stay out of the box and see people as people.
i liked the messages in this book a lot! i liked the way it was fictional w lessons and it was applicable!
i liked the messages in this book a lot! i liked the way it was fictional w lessons and it was applicable!
November 4, 2023
Unobjectionable but unimpressive. From what I have heard, when this book is required reading at a workplace, the people who most desperately need to address their own self-deception love this book but think it applies to everyone else except for them. The people who already function compassionately, honestly and competently don't really need this in the first place. Good intentions alone don't make good interventions: I would really like to see any independent evaluation of how this material helps groups.
Better books perhaps for understanding "bad" leadership/management:
Talking to Crazy: How to Deal with the Irrational and Impossible People in Your Life
Mastery
Bad Blood: Secrets and Lies in a Silicon Valley Startup
Detroit: An American Autopsy
Crisis of Conscience: Whistleblowing in an Age of Fraud
Better books perhaps for understanding "bad" leadership/management:
Talking to Crazy: How to Deal with the Irrational and Impossible People in Your Life
Mastery
Bad Blood: Secrets and Lies in a Silicon Valley Startup
Detroit: An American Autopsy
Crisis of Conscience: Whistleblowing in an Age of Fraud
September 25, 2021
I've read this book after "Anatomy of Peace", which was a mistake, since after reading "Leadership and Self-Deception", the "Anatomy..." starts to make much more sense.
I am still skeptical about author's approach to storytelling, however the material and ideas in this book are way too valuable to overlook, thus I give it 5 stars.
Basic summary is that very often, when people commit acts of self-betrayal, doing something that goes against their own principles (or not doing something they should've done) in interactions with other people, businesses, government, etc., - those acts of self-betrayal can cause them to look for justifications outside their own persona. Those justifications can lead to blaming other people, weaving negative stories and strengthening biases against others. Which in turn creates a push back and blaming from those other people. And this vicious cycle, in right conditions, can cause a very toxic social environment in a workplace, in family, or, even on a country level (if you read "Anatomy of Peace"). I believe, that most people are good by their nature. However, those acts of self-betrayal can cause anyone to slip into negative mindset, since rarely we want to admit our own failure to act on our principles.
The implication of this is that people start to focus on themselves, and not on the results. A husband wakes up at night hearing a newborn crying. He thinks he should've gotten from bed and calm down the child, but he didn't - hoping that his wife would do that. To justify this act of self-betrayal he starts to think how he worked hard the whole day, how he deserves more support from his wife, focusing on his ego. Even if his wife has the same thoughts at the same time, both of them would suffer in the end from lack of sleep. Similar stories can be found in almost any workplace where several people have to work in team. There are other examples in the book that explain this way better, and a lot of them seem to hit the point with me or with people that I've discussed this book with.
The book doesn't go too deep into possible solutions to the problem. However, even knowing that the problem like this can happen with you, can help you to catch yourself in the act of self-betrayal or blaming others and take a step back to think about other people and not just about yourself. A good training for this can be found in mindfulness and meditation, which neither book mentions. Part of meditation practices usually involves noticing when your mind slips into automatic thinking and gently pushing yourself back into focused state. Same with automatic blame-thinking that is described in the book - with a regular training it becomes easier to catch yourself in the act of self-justification and stop before it takes over.
Highly recommended read, but you have to approach it with an open mind.
I am still skeptical about author's approach to storytelling, however the material and ideas in this book are way too valuable to overlook, thus I give it 5 stars.
Basic summary is that very often, when people commit acts of self-betrayal, doing something that goes against their own principles (or not doing something they should've done) in interactions with other people, businesses, government, etc., - those acts of self-betrayal can cause them to look for justifications outside their own persona. Those justifications can lead to blaming other people, weaving negative stories and strengthening biases against others. Which in turn creates a push back and blaming from those other people. And this vicious cycle, in right conditions, can cause a very toxic social environment in a workplace, in family, or, even on a country level (if you read "Anatomy of Peace"). I believe, that most people are good by their nature. However, those acts of self-betrayal can cause anyone to slip into negative mindset, since rarely we want to admit our own failure to act on our principles.
The implication of this is that people start to focus on themselves, and not on the results. A husband wakes up at night hearing a newborn crying. He thinks he should've gotten from bed and calm down the child, but he didn't - hoping that his wife would do that. To justify this act of self-betrayal he starts to think how he worked hard the whole day, how he deserves more support from his wife, focusing on his ego. Even if his wife has the same thoughts at the same time, both of them would suffer in the end from lack of sleep. Similar stories can be found in almost any workplace where several people have to work in team. There are other examples in the book that explain this way better, and a lot of them seem to hit the point with me or with people that I've discussed this book with.
The book doesn't go too deep into possible solutions to the problem. However, even knowing that the problem like this can happen with you, can help you to catch yourself in the act of self-betrayal or blaming others and take a step back to think about other people and not just about yourself. A good training for this can be found in mindfulness and meditation, which neither book mentions. Part of meditation practices usually involves noticing when your mind slips into automatic thinking and gently pushing yourself back into focused state. Same with automatic blame-thinking that is described in the book - with a regular training it becomes easier to catch yourself in the act of self-justification and stop before it takes over.
Highly recommended read, but you have to approach it with an open mind.
January 21, 2016
"WHAT?" you say to yourself. WHAT is this fantasy-story-loving girl doing reading a book that demands shelving on the business/psychology shelf? And a valid question it is. I would never in one thousand years have picked it up if my dearly beloved husband hadn't read it first and told me that it changed his life. Changed it to the point where I am SEEING him look at the world in a different way. And when my husband, who has watched me read for 11+ years now and has never once asked me to read something, asks me to read this book, what can I say?
I read it, and I can see why he asked me to. This book will make you feel like a weasel on one hand, recognizing that so much of our interactions with others are the results of our own decisions to do or not do what we know is the "right" thing to do. But on the other hand, you recognize the potential within you to just CHANGE things - change the way you interact with the people you care about the most.
The writing style is readable - it's conversational with lots of real-life examples. Probably for someone used to reading business/self-help books it would be a breeze to read. For inexperienced me, though, it made my brain work hard and I still keep having to ask my husband questions about how to apply the ideas. I think that it will take time (and probably some re-reading) to use the jargon effectively in my mind - phrase like "self-betrayal" and "being in the box" still don't roll off the tongue, if you know what I mean. But I do know what it feels like when I start seeing myself as the "good mom" dealing with my "my crabby kids." And I don't like that me. I want to see myself as I really am and I want to openly see those I love as they really are: as people (not objects) with thoughts and feelings and desires just like I have and which are just as valid as my own.
I read it, and I can see why he asked me to. This book will make you feel like a weasel on one hand, recognizing that so much of our interactions with others are the results of our own decisions to do or not do what we know is the "right" thing to do. But on the other hand, you recognize the potential within you to just CHANGE things - change the way you interact with the people you care about the most.
The writing style is readable - it's conversational with lots of real-life examples. Probably for someone used to reading business/self-help books it would be a breeze to read. For inexperienced me, though, it made my brain work hard and I still keep having to ask my husband questions about how to apply the ideas. I think that it will take time (and probably some re-reading) to use the jargon effectively in my mind - phrase like "self-betrayal" and "being in the box" still don't roll off the tongue, if you know what I mean. But I do know what it feels like when I start seeing myself as the "good mom" dealing with my "my crabby kids." And I don't like that me. I want to see myself as I really am and I want to openly see those I love as they really are: as people (not objects) with thoughts and feelings and desires just like I have and which are just as valid as my own.
June 19, 2018
Read for my Professional Development Book Club. Quick read, as much as for personal growth as for professional. Excellent if you are aiming to be a good person and improve the lives of those with whom you live and work, although you could be financially successful without doing any of this...and apparently even become President of the United States.
February 3, 2024
Oh. My. Gosh. This book was so good!
You know that feeling when you didn't realize you fell asleep until you woke up? That's what it's like reading this book, except it's like you've been asleep your whole life and never realized it.
Once I started reading, I couldn't stop! So good.
You know that feeling when you didn't realize you fell asleep until you woke up? That's what it's like reading this book, except it's like you've been asleep your whole life and never realized it.
Once I started reading, I couldn't stop! So good.
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