Open to Desire: Embracing a Lust for Life - Insights from Buddhism and Psychotherapy

by Mark Epstein

Bringing wisdom to a fresh and compelling topic, Mark Epstein shows how desire can be a teacher in its own right, helping us to reconcile our conflicting thoughts about it from both a Buddhist and a psychological point of view. It is common in both Buddhism and Freudian psychoanalysis to treat desire as the root of all suffering and problems, but psychiatrist Mark Epstein believes this to be a grave misunderstanding. In his defense of desire, he makes clear that it is the key to deepening intimacy with ourselves, one another, and our world. An enlightening tapestry of psychotherapeutic practice, contemporary case studies, Buddhist insight, and narratives as diverse as the Ramayana and Sufi parables, "Open to Desire" brings a refreshing new perspective to humanityas most paradoxical emotion.

Proposing that spiritual attainment does not have to be detached from intimacy or eroticism, "Open to Desire" begins with an exploration of the dissatisfaction that causes us to both cling to, and fear, desire. Offering a new path for traversing this ambivalence, Dr. Epstein shows us how we can overcome these obstacles, not by indulgence or suppression, but by learning a new way to be with desire. Full of practical advice, this is a lasting guide for finding peace both in ourselves and in our most highly charged interactions.

BACKCOVER: Advance Praise for OPEN TO DESIRE
"Mark Epstein's "Open to Desire" is a masterpiece in his unique genre of combined Buddhist, psychological, and poetical insight. It teaches us how not just to fear and repress, but to re-channel and harness the most powerful energies of life toward freedom and bliss. I heartily recommend this work."--Robert Thurman, Jey Tsong Khapa Professor of Buddhist studies, Columbia University; President, Tibet House, US; author of "Infinite Life"
a"Open to Desire" shines a bright beam of wisdom into an ever-confusing, ever- seductive realm. Mark Epstein, using his rare gifts of insight, brilliantly shows us a way through the confusion of craving to the treasures of intimacy and clarity hidden within our yearnings. The Buddha and Freud meet the Kama Sutra in this essential guidebook for anyone with a healthy lust for life."-- Daniel Goleman, author, "Destructive Emotions: A Scientific Dialogue with the Dalai Lama"
aMark Epstein writes with the keen insight of a skilled psychotherapist, the compassion of a long-term meditator, and the gift of a compelling storyteller. He courageously explores the true nature and potential of desire, which we depend on for our very connection to life. This book is an outstanding new view of an emotion at the core of our being..a--Sharon Salzberg, author of "Faith: Trusting Your Own Deepest Experience"
aAt last a book that doesnat shy away from the troubled topic of desire. Mark Epstein has written a beautifully crafted, intimate account of the struggle to come to terms with the contradictory yearnings within us. An illuminating, original and provocative work.a -- Stephen Batchelor, author of "Living with the Devil"
"A beautiful book. Heals the split between psychotherapy and spirituality by showing positive aspects of desire common to both. Mark Epstein's portrayals of the goodness of desire and its gaps move us in ways that heal and enlighten, always sensitive to who we are and who we can be."--Michael Eigen, author of "The Sensitive Self" and "EmotionalStorm"

Genres: Buddhism, Psychology, Spirituality, Nonfiction, Philosophy, Self Help, Religion

240 pages, Hardcover

First published December 31, 2005

About the author

Mark Epstein, M.D. is a psychiatrist in private practice in New York City and the author of a number of books about the interface of Buddhism and psychotherapy. He received his undergraduate and medical degrees from Harvard University and is currently Clinical Assistant Professor in the Postdoctoral Program in Psychotherapy and Psychoanalysis at New York University.

Reviews

[Chelle · Rating 4 out of 5]

As a person driven by some form of desire, yet drawn to Buddhism at the same time, this book got me out of an existential crisis :)

[Charlotte Dailey · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is one of my favorite books of the last few years. It really helped me through an existential crisis. I want to find Mark Epstein on the streets of New York and give him a big hug.

[Geoff · Rating 4 out of 5]

The book does have a rather apt title (although the varying subtitles of different editions was a bit confusing to me). The idea of being open to desire might imply a corollary of being closed to desire. I suppose if one is "clinging", and fixed on the attainment or fulfilment of a desire then this might be considered "closed" to desire, where all the focus and energy is "tightbeamed" (sorry, I was watching "The Expanse" concurrently to reading this book) onto getting what is wanted, and in the process "spacing" desire (ie, expunging it from the airlock, thereby killing it by suffocation in the vacuum of space).
So this book helps to alleviate some of the cruelty that we inflict on desire by our incessant demands for satiation and fulfilment.
I recommend this book with a few caveats to the reader: a) you have some interest or openness to eastern spiritual philosophy, especially Buddhism; b) you don't mind a gentle, anecdotal style of advice or "self-help" that doesn't try to inculcate any explicit recipes or instructions; c) you are perhaps suffering from a desire that is causing you grief by reason of dissatisfaction or unfulfillment.
I found that the book was weighted more in the spiritual and Buddhist school of thought than in psychotherapy. I felt that the effort of the author to link Buddhist philosophy with concepts in psychology and psychotherapy was a bit specious and not entirely necessary either.
I did find this book helpful. It didn't quite get me out of any existential crisis, but it did make me stop and think about how fixated on certain things I might be and that I could take a dose of "chill pill". I would say it changed my mind a bit about how to view and appreciate desire itself.
I am not completely sold on the relinquishment of desire. Although this is not exactly what the author is proposing, by the end of the book I was still wrestling with a dilemma of desire, whether it's better to pursue it or let it be. This book didn't entirely resolve this question for me, unfortunately, but it did prompt me to reevaluate certain things and consider it from a different angle.

[Ahmaud · Rating 3 out of 5]

There are many elements in the author's discussion of desire that are reminiscent of the Platonic ideas of eros and its two-fold nature. While I found the book interesting, the alternative interpretations of Buddhist stories or concepts at the beginning seemed to take more license than the author actually possessed. This is not to say that he is wrong, but rather his willingness to engage in interpretation of some texts seemed a bit brash. However, I took a great deal from his discussion about how eros–erotic desire–plays a central role in providing the impetus for obtaining deep knowledge of self, spirit, and the nature of our existence. Furthermore, his exposition on the otherness of the beloved is something that I attempted to articulate but failed to do so. Now, I can consider the articulation of romantic desire, as well as other desires, as more than an object to be pursued but also a being whole unto itself, with desires both for another and desires to be desired in a way that reveals it not as object but as subject. In being a subject, it is bound to change, as it too has the power to express desire. What this yields in practice, I believe, is the ability to be open in pursuit of what is desired to receiving the knowledge of the subject as the subject wishes to impart it. In pursuing one is drawn into receiving, and thus also becomes pursued. This is, in many ways, very similar to Plato's ladder of love, but it encompasses not just the lover's perspective but also the beloved. All this, however, act as tools not to get what we want, but to open the path to allow God to use our desires properly and direct our paths toward true and everlasting knowledge.

[Scott Cardwell · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book. I had a moment of pure bliss while reading this book. His explanation of how to enjoy art will stay with me forever. His advice was that you had to behold art, you could not get to close or to far away. I also picked up the Ramayana after finding his attraction to it.

A great book.

[Austin Hunter Somers · Rating 5 out of 5]

Right book. Right time. Really appreciated this perspective

[Steve Woods · Rating 5 out of 5]

This has been a truly important book for me. After five years of meditation and practice there has been a shift in me. The teachings seem to have distilled in some way and are gradually becoming me. In the process I have begun to face the issues associated with becoming the path, the constant lingering of wanting, the crucible of desire and where that fits has been weaving its way in and out of my mind for months. Once I became aware of how huge that sense of "wanting" is in me and how much of my life it has determined, the sense of impotence in the face of its pervasiveness, became the question.

My practice has of course brought familiarity with the"gap" between the wanting and what life delivers, that same gap that is the source of the silence in meditation, the sense of emptiness and non self so much part of my life now. Epstein has delivered a reassurance with this work that my natural instinct to simple be, to dwell in that place and allow my own desire is the key to integrating the Buddha's teachings in a new way and at a level that feels deeper to me. I have had difficulty with my own interpretation of the traditional take on the 4 Noble Truths in that I too have see desire as undesirable, setting up a kind of circularity it has been really difficult for me to see through. Epstein's work here has helped me to simply allow my own thought about all this to drop away and there seems to have been a huge expansion in my own sense of my life. I am truly grateful for this work; very concise very clear with the exception of the last two sections. Maybe they will calirfy themselves on the next reading.

This one goes into the top ten for me, a life changer in many ways...maybe just for me.

[Lisa Jane · Rating 3 out of 5]

I enjoyed the book as a whole, took me a few chapters to get into it as I wasn’t overly keen on the use of the Ramayana story throughout the book. I think from the authors point of view the comparing and explaining of his points with this story made the book more compelling, but I think this was on the basis of his own personal emotional attachment to story of Ramayana, for me, as someone unfamiliar with the story of Ramayana - the constant references to it were borderline annoying. However, the author does also use patient anecdotes - those are much more relevant, concise and more pleasant to read.

Overall, there were a few interesting things raised but as a whole I think it could have been condensed to make it a much nicer read, some of the book just doesn’t flow quite right. Although, that being said, I have definitely taken some food for thought away with this book and it has made me want to do some further reading on the subject matter.

[Brendan · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm surprised how much I appreciated this book. I wasn't particularly interested in exploring desire; I just wanted to read something new from Mark Epstein.
In this book Mark sticks to his writing formula of explaining eastern philosophy in western psychoanalytic terms, and then sharing a vingette from his personal life, or that of one of his patients. By hitting the same idea from these different perspectives he makes the subject matter engaging and thoroughly informative.
Mark stretches out with confidence in this book, and for the first time, offers contrasting opinions from that of his teachers (Ram Dass & Jack Kornfield) on Buddhist principles.
Mark is laying the foundation to make a powerful impact on how Buddhism is understood to the western mind.

[David Guy · Rating 4 out of 5]

In this book Mark Epstein writes about the nature of desire and how to handle it. Apparently this is a controversial subject, because Buddhist purists object that the Buddha wanted us to cut off desire and have nothing to do with it, but that hardly seems possible, and the Buddha himself almost died employing that strategy.

Epstein argues instead that it isn't desire itself which is a problem, but the craving and clinging that accompany it. Basically, desire is just an energy, and we should open to it as to anything else, allowing ourselves to feel it but not to act on it. Suppressing desire is difficult if not dangerous, because the suppressed tends to return.

Parts of the book were a little too abstract for me, but I found most of it helpful and inspiring.

[Princessjay · Rating 5 out of 5]

A most helpful book that came to me at a most necessary time. The left-handed path of Buddhist practice -- to look at desire up close, see its constant and ever-driving nature, seeking a complete satisfaction that can NEVER be satisfied because nothing in life stays the same, and even the most perfect moment give way to less perfect moments. To understand that truth lies in the gap between desire and the impossibility of its fulfillment.

Highly recommended, but would be most helpful for those who already have good grasp of Buddhist thought.

[Stephen C. Kifer · Rating 4 out of 5]

A bit rambling, and the use of the Hindu fable as a focus of the book was misguided, but it lays out the essence of Buddhist teaching on mindfulness and really seeing desire. I wish it could have been a bit more practical

[Kyle · Rating 3 out of 5]

For me, it was a lot of 5 star material buried in a bunch of 2 star filler. If this was written more concisely I'd definitely give 5 stars because there truly are some great bits in here, but it can be a bit of a slog to get to them sometimes.

[Ali El Zein · Rating 4 out of 5]

First book I’ve listened to.

Definitely missed a lot of things and I think it’s a book more suited to someone well versed in the area.

I found the idea re attachment of holding things with an open palm rather than a closed fist (I.e., not clinging) to be a very useful metaphor.

The comparisons drawn between psychoanalysis and Buddhist thought were also very interesting and seemed intuitive, not artificial or contrived.

[Bella Moses · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5

[WCM · Rating 3 out of 5]

More mythology heavy than most of his books so I think that's why it was harder for me to connect with it.

[Shafaat · Rating 3 out of 5]

A layman's introduction to tantric Buddhism.

[Klaas Jan]

Wordt eind hst 1 besproken door Esther perel

[Tom · Rating 4 out of 5]

As someone interested in the links between Buddhism and psychotherapy, but with a limited understanding of both I found this book very satisfying. Unsurprisingly, my western brain sometimes struggled with the paradoxical nature of Zen logic. That being said, the scattering of case studies were useful examples of modern-day contexts and encouraged me to continue reading. (In fact, I would love to see Epstein do a whole book of patient case histories, à la Oliver Sacks.)
Overall, there were some very profound points in this book which I would like to pay attention to in my own life. I look forward to reading it again in the hope of deeper understanding some of the more complex points.

[Hedwig · Rating 3 out of 5]

Really feels like I'm going on a self-help kick now...A little bit denser of a read, but very interesting if you're interested in Buddhism and psychotherapy and have done some other reading as well. At least, that's the case for me.

[Dan Mantena · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is a fusion of the eastern tradition of Buddhism mixed with the western tradition of Psychotherapy. Epstein uses the story of Ramayana to show the left-handed path of Tantra and explore the topic of desire within the framework of Buddha's core teachings.

The big traditions of the east seem to value renunciation and the abandoning of all desire in order to achieve enlightenment while the West seems to inculcate everyone to overconsume and find meaning in materialism. Epstein tries to provide a third option for people in how they approach their life by showing that eastern traditions are focused on the abandoning of clinging instead of desire.

The book is neatly structured to mimic the four noble truths of Buddhism (the discontent and unsatisfactoriness of life, the reason for this discontent—clinging, the ending of clinging, and finally the path past clinging).

In order to reduce the impact clinging can have on our lives, Epstein provides a very structured and practical approach to handling clinging when it arises. A few of the ways of skillfully looking at clinging are to be mindful of the state in the heat of the moment, observe the impersonal nature of clinging, and observe the impermanent nature of clinging and the object being clung to.

The left-handed path requires going against the stream of human nature. It requires us to self-reflect constantly to see the drawbacks that clinging has on our lives. Once we truly see the results of this retrospective analysis clearly dropping clinging will be transformed to understanding.

my rating - overall Score: 3.8/5.0
- the quality of writing (3/5)
- the quality of the content (4/5)
- impact on my perspective (5/5)
- personal resonance (4/5)
- rereading potential (3/5)

[Sumaiya · Rating 4 out of 5]

Theres a part of me that still believes in magic and magically finding things on our way when we need them. This book hiding in one of the farthest isles in a secondhand bookstore was one such find. I picked it up not knowing what to expect with a lingering dilemma around my own experience of desire. In my own inner world, I often found love and desire to be intertwined although they are very different in nature and purpose when inspected closely. The author eloquently addressed the entanglement while pointing out the gap and the much needed pause between the concept and the form. I particularly enjoyed the way he weaved in the figures from Ramayana to make the point through Buddhist philosophy. I often found myself pausing in my own mind when desire overcame all other sensibilities and tried to create that space between longing and immediate fulfillment (whatever it means at that point). It is true that the overwhelming nature of longing gives the way to a deeper introspection. Probably it’s a mechanism of our own psyche to draw attention to the areas that need mending, however difficult it is to hold on to the space. If there’s one learning to take from this book, for me it would be to keep in mind that the object of desire will always disappoint so long as we relate to it as an object and don’t dive deeper into its subjective experience of the reality. To some of us, it is work of a lifetime. I am glad I came across this book to make that journey translatable into words, and thereby making it less lonely.

[Jake Marrinan · Rating 2 out of 5]

I read this book because I saw it was recommended by Esther Perel, a well-known phsycotherapist.

My hope was that it would answer some questions I had about the space for emotions and wants in Bhuddist ideas that I had learnt about. To offer a different perspective.

I didn't really get my answers. It isn't totally clear from the book what ideas are broadly accepted and what is just the author's interpretations. I think I was looking for too much from the book really, which is, I suppose, a bit ironic.

There are some ideas in the book which I found thought provoking and which made it worth reading overall. But I think they got a bit lost in the unclear organisation of the book.

I get the feel that the book was not written to teach anything. But it did at times make me think.

I'm going to give this to a friend who I think may appreciate it more than me, but with the warning that it does take some digging to get something out of the book. Maybe I will come back to it again in the future and read it with less of an intention of seeking something from it.

[Bowdoin]

Reader in group–Yes, Bowdoin Reads, but students swamped with schoolwork won't make time to read just any book. Here is one that is well worth your while--

For anyone out there feeling even a modicum of disillusionment with the success of the Twilight Series, "Love in the time of Cholera" is the book for you. Written by Gabriel Garcia Marquez, what struck me about this novel is that it feels so shockingly real. Instead of excluding details that may seem to some less elegant, Marquez includes the minutiae that collectively make life so deliciously pungent and memorable, yet not to the point of redundancy. The physical ailments of the characters resonate in one's own flesh, the visceral pain and discomfort, as well as the soaring sensations of ecstasy throughout my reading of this I felt bonded to each character because they felt so real. The main characters all see love in different ways, and reading this opened my eyes to be more accepting of all the types and forms of attachment and affection. Funny, surprising, and perfect in its conveyance of human imperfection, "Love in the time of Cholera" is ecstasy-inducing creation.

[Anelyse · Rating 4 out of 5]

I got a lot out of this book, which brings a fresh perspective to the topic of desire from a Buddhist, Hindu, Jewish, and Freudian perspective. Instead of demonizing desire, Epstein argues that it can be a valuable teacher - especially when it leads to disappointment. Although much of the text focuses on cases of erotic desire, I was drawn to the book for the much less sexy reason of a disappointment at work (an unsuccessful funding application). Some of the metaphorical discussions of sexual desire were a bit overplayed (penetration, feminine energies as a rice paddy, weird assumptions about parent-child dynamics, etc.), but the book explicitly drew on Freud, so I suppose it comes with the territory.

[Vishnu · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really liked this book! It was the first I picked up by Epstein. All in all, I think it's a great exploration of the nature of desire, and the place of desire within the teachings of the Buddha. I'm not so sure that his presentation is as much as a "radical departure" from the classic teachings as he makes them out to be, but everything he says seems pretty wise and helpful. Probably my favorite part of the book was the clear connection he draws between the Buddha's teachings and Indian religious traditions; as obvious as this connection is, it is unfortunate that so few writings on Buddhism recognize the tradition's debt to its Indian roots.

[Sarah · Rating 3 out of 5]

This one was hard to rate, because there was a lot about it I loved and a lot that I really didn't. I really enjoyed a lot of the anecdotes, the ideas on how to work with desire and clinging, and a good deal of the Buddhist philosophy, but I did not enjoy the drawn out metaphors about ancient gods and a Hindu epic poem, or the psychoanalytic stuff. It was well researched and thought out, I'm sure, but not the kind of stuff I personally connect with in books about spirituality and personal growth. So, overall, 3.5 stars because there was a mix of 5 star and 2 star material for me.

[Kerri · Rating 3 out of 5]

Wonderful concepts in this book, and beautifully written, but I wish the author had elaborated more on some of those concepts and provided a few more examples. It seemed like in many sections his familiarity with the Buddhist and Hindu traditions/texts prevented his being able to see where a general reader might need him to slow down. There’s also a decent chance that the editor on this book was overly zealous and chopped out some of the author’s explication. In any case, Epstein writes beautifully and I’ll happily read more of his books, and hold onto the core of this one.

[Ed Barton · Rating 4 out of 5]

Profound

Often, the Westerner views Buddhist thought and practices as aesthetic, simple, detached with a foregoing of desire. Similar to a koan, reading this book will cause you to grapple with those thoughts and assumptions in many profound ways. Using vignettes, western culture and Buddhist scripture and stories, you will find the book both interesting and profound. A good read.

[Elizabeth Lozano · Rating 5 out of 5]

“ I stumbled on a rather odd realizaron: The oposite of anxiety is not calmness but desire.”
Excellent book! Mark Epstein is a “left-handed path” first class Buddhist psychologist. This book is full of wisdom and insight on the nature of desire from the perspective of Indian and Tibetan Buddhist traditions . Very revealing and daring.
He uses the Ramayana extensively but cites as well Freud, Jung, feminist psychoanalysts and lamas.
Strongly recommended