Would You Rather: A Memoir of Growing Up and Coming Out

by Katie Heaney

A collection of poignant, relatable essays from the author of Never Have I Ever about coming out in her late twenties, entering into her first relationship, and figuring out what it means to be an adult.

When Katie Heaney published her first book of essays chronicling her singledom up to age 25, she was still waiting to meet the right guy. Three years later, a lot changed. For one thing, she met the right girl.

Here, for the first time, Katie opens up about realizing that she is gay. She tackles everything from the trials of dating in New York City to the growing pains of her first relationship, from obsessing over Harry Styles (because, actually, he does look a bit like a lesbian) to learning to accept herself all over again. Exploring love and sexuality with her neurotic wit and endearing intimacy, Katie shares the message that it's never too late to find love--or yourself.

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, LGBT, Queer, Essays, Biography, Lesbian

256 pages, Kindle Edition

First published March 6, 2018

About the author

Katie Heaney is the author of Public Relations, Dear Emma, and Never Have I Ever, as well as the forthcoming memoir Would You Rather? (Penguin Random House, February 2018). Her writing has also appeared in New York magazine online, Cosmopolitan, The Atlantic, Racked, and The Hairpin, among other places. She lives in Brooklyn.

Reviews

[Jessica (Odd and Bookish) · Rating 5 out of 5]

I received this book for free through LibraryThing’s Early Reviewers.

It wasn’t until I actually read the blurb on the back that I realized that this was written by the girl who wrote Never Have I Ever: My Life (So Far) Without a Date. I had really wanted to read that book and even marked it as such on Goodreads, but I never did get around to reading it. I’m glad that I was able to read this book because it does touch upon some of the themes that Never Had I Ever covered.

So basically, I loved this book. I loved it because I related so much to it. I’m not a lesbian, so I couldn’t relate to her coming out but I did relate to a bunch of other stuff. I related to the fact that she was single until her late twenties (I’m currently 23 and still perpetually single). I related to her anxiety, especially when it came to googling medical symptoms and convincing yourself that you have some grave condition (I’ve done that many times). I related to her obsessive bed making. Pretty much I felt like I was a lot like Katie. I saw a lot of myself in her.

What really made the book so fantastic, was the writing. It was so conversational. It felt like she was talking to you. Every essay was clear, to the point, and a lot of fun.

I also really liked the balance between the fun and the serious. There were a lot of quirky anecdotes, but also a lot of introspection.

Overall, this was a very touching and relatable memoir.

For more book reviews, be sure to check out my blog: https://oddandbookish.wordpress.com/

[Heather K (dentist in my spare time) · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'd never heard of Katie Heaney before I decided to pick up Would You Rather : A Memoir of Growing Up and Coming Out, but the blurb was too interesting for me to pass up.

Sexuality in general intrigues me, especially the personal exploration of sexuality. I'm always interested in someone's sexuality discovery story (in romance as well as non-fiction), and stories where people realize they are bisexual/pansexual or gay later in life always catch my attention.

Katie Heaney was in her late 20s when she realized that her inability to find the right chemistry with a man and her sneaking suspicion that her "awareness" of women might meant that she may not be, in fact, perfectly straight.

I liked that everything wasn't cut and dry with her story. She had attractions to men (I mean, how did I NOT realize that lesbians being attracted to Harry Styles is a thing?!) and lots of crushes, so the dawning realization that she was, in fact, gay, wasn't something that she woke up knowing one day. There were years where she debated with herself, something I found to be relatable and realistic.

I personally consider myself to be straight, but perhaps my little (okay, strong) attraction to Shane from The L Word and more than a passing attraction to a certain type of butch lesbian might put me closer to a Kinsey 1 than anything else. I always think of sexuality as more muddled and complex than most people think, and I liked how we really got to explore Katie's journey in discovering herself with her.

Katie Heaney is a great writer, and I often felt like I was having a conversation with a friend. The ending dragged a tiny bit, but Katie's personal musing and obsessions came across as quirky and charming. I wanted to know her and everything about her story.

A great read for those who are questioning their sexuality or someone who simply wants an interesting, easy-to-read memoir centered around dating and self-discovery.

*Copy provided in exchange for an honest review*

[Tori · Rating 4 out of 5]

I sat on my review of this book for half a week, because I was so emotional after I finished reading it.

Katie Heaney and I have a lot in common. I've had a boyfriend--but ten years ago. Since then, I've had little to no interest in dating, despite feeling like I should. Her talk with her therapist about how most people don't feel dread when it comes to dating was illuminating to say the least. While I don't identify as a lesbian, I didn't realise I was bisexual until late in my twenties, so seeing someone else go through the same process, someone who found it just as difficult as I did, made me feel seen, and less alone.

Perhaps contradictory, I did leave the book feeling lonelier than I have in a long time. Some of that is petty jealousy--why did she get to realise she was gay and find love immediately? Why not me?--some of it is just finding the path I have to walk hard, and being tired.

This is perhaps more personal than a book review should be. Heaney spends a lot of time lamenting the way people related to her after her last memoir, and just wanting to be herself with her own story. It's hard not to project onto something like this, and while I do sympathize with her it's only to a point.

Additionally, I found her realisations about friendship disheartening. She finds love and her friends matter less to her. It's not that they don't matter, they do of course! it's just that being in a relationship means she has the most important person in her life and she needs her friends less. As a single person I found this a bitter pill to swallow. It's not that we single people don't know that already! Or that I would have wanted her to lie and say everything was exactly the same as it always was with her friendships. I have had enough friends enter into serious relationships to know that's just the way of life. I guess it was just hard to read.

[Julie Ehlers · Rating 2 out of 5]

My bad! How many times have I said I was going to start avoiding current memoirs? Yet, this caught my eye at the bookstore, I read a few pages that seemed good, and I brought it up to the register for reasons that my self of 9 days ago may have been able to explain, but my self of today cannot. Would You Rather? was frustrating in the sense that every now and again there would be an interesting passage that would keep me reading, hoping for more of the same, but in the end there were so many things I disliked about this book that I don't have the energy to articulate all of them. If you've liked Katie Heaney's writing in the past, you'll probably like this. If you're a late-blooming lesbian or a 27-year-old who's unhealthily obsessed with Harry Styles, this book may make you feel less alone. As for the rest of you... well, it's your life and you can read what you want, but you can't say I didn't warn you. And as for me... is there some kind of hotline people can call when they need to be talked down off the ledge of buying the sorts of books they've vowed not to buy? Asking for a friend.

[Lea · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have never in my life related to anything as much as this. I don't think I'll ever find words to describe what listening to this memoir meant to me. A lot of the essays actually freaked me out because that experience could've been written about me. EXACTLY like that.
I can already feel this having a huge impact on me and I finished it just a couple of minutes ago. I'm incredibly grateful this book somehow found its way into my life.

[disco · Rating 4 out of 5]

Something about Katie Heaney is remarkably relatable, and I think you will find that whether you consider yourself gay or not. But don’t get me wrong: I couldn’t be gayer. ;)

[Samira Parsa · Rating 2 out of 5]

I received a free copy of this book from a Goodreads giveaway for an honest review.

This book was.....okay, I guess. It wasn't terrible, but it wasn't good either. I feel like the title was a bit misleading: "Growing Up and Coming Out" is actually more of "Coming Out and Spending Most of the Book Talking about Details of My Life and Opinions."

I tried, I really, did, and I'm sorry, but I just don't care about this girl's life. It's great that she's using a platform to talk about coming out and navigating expectations, but as soon as she started talking about her love for horoscopes, Harry Styles, or her need to always make the bed, I realized I honestly couldn't care less.

This book really had no trajectory. Katie Heaney had a great platform here and the opportunity to make a change with her writing, but the sections where she really talks about her important revelations pale in comparison to all the times she just talks about mundane aspects of her life. I found myself trudging along just for the sake of finishing the damn thing. I also found her self-righteousness grating. She reminds me of one of those who always complains about you having a relationship and "leaving her out," and then as soon as she has one of her own she does the exact same thing!

I don't know. This just wasn't my cup of tea.

[l · Rating 3 out of 5]

It’s comforting to know there are more women out there who assumed they were straight, didn’t date men but never wondered why, and then realized one day, hey I’m actually a lesbian.

I didn’t think too much of the book though tbh.

[Chantel · Rating 4 out of 5]

This review and others can be found at BW Book Reviews.

I received this ARC from Netgalley in exchange for an honest review. This has no influence on my rating.

Would You Rather: A Memoir of Growing Up and Coming Out will be released on March 6th, 2018.

4/5 – This year, I wanted to read a non-fiction book by a queer author about being queer. This spoke out to me when I saw it on Netgalley because it was exactly what I was looking for. What I didn’t expect was to relate so strongly with the author’s experience in coming out later in life and finding out who she was at the age of twenty-eight.

Katie Heaney wrote a book called Never Have I Ever: My Life (So Far) Without a Date and it was released in 2014. She references this book often in Would You Rather because, in it, she describes never having dated, being a virgin at twenty-five, and being attracted to men. At the time she wrote that book, she had not accepted that she was a lesbian. She might not have even known despite the signs she points out in Would You Rather.

It is fascinating to have two different books, written at two different points in your life that demonstrate how things can change over the course of just a few years. At twenty-five, she is single, straight, and a virgin and at twenty-eight she has a girlfriend, is a lesbian, and is no longer a virgin. I love how candid she is about talking about her journey in coming out to her friends and family and how at first she didn’t feel “gay enough” because she hadn’t ever dated a woman. I related to her story for a number of reasons, but I’m not as candid as she is. I don’t think I would ever write, let alone publish not just one but two books detailing my love life and sexuality. I admire Heaney greatly because of it. She talks about how she continued to get emails after her first book was released from young women who related to her story and I know she will get emails for Would You Rather for the same thing.

I thought the content of the book was great, I wasn’t too fond of the format. The book is described as a series of essays and sometimes the book flowed nicely and sometimes it didn’t. I would’ve liked if the book flowed all the way through and didn’t feel as if there were unrelated essays mixed in. That being said, I loved the essay about Heaney downloading and watching The L Word for the first time while she was studying abroad. There was even an essay where she talked about her anxiety and how she had been resistant to medication before accepting she needed it. Again, I really appreciated her openness throughout the memoir about her journey and I would highly recommend it.

[Jess · Rating 4 out of 5]

I came home this afternoon and got my mail, excited because my ISBN Thinking of You shirt had arrived. But my excitement for that was curtailed when I saw a package from Penguin Random House just beneath it. What could it be this time, I wondered? Sometimes they sent things that caught my interest; other times, not so much. I hadn't heard of this book, or the author's previous memoir when I opened the box, but reading the back blurb immediately caught my interest. With no further ado, I sat down to read.

And now I'm done. I did not stop. Except, of course, to remind myself what Shane McCutcheon looked like ;)

Such a compelling story; and Katie herself is so much like me I could relate to her discoveries over and over. There's a blurb on the cover that says "I devoured this book as though my life depended on it, and you will too." And for once, they're not wrong.

[ND · Rating 2 out of 5]

Really more like 1.5. I wanted to like this book, and now feel like I was suckered by the LGBT table at The Strand. Shame on you, Strand employees! The author is insipid, narcissistic and just plain young, and that's fine, but I think/imagine/hope that if I had written a memoir about coming out at 28, an experience we happen to share, I would have made it much more interesting to read, particularly for "grownups." Or at least would have had the sense to hide a lot of the drivel and nonsense. This is a few blog posts padded with a lot of nothing filler material thrown in, in order to make a book. Or a diary that someone thought should be a real book. I wish I could get the hours I spent reading it back....I am owed!

[Chiara · Rating 5 out of 5]

A REALLY excellent follow-up to 2014's "Never Have I Ever." It was fascinating to read about Katie's journey of self-discovery and (sorry to use this annoying phrase) self-actualization. Funny, perceptive, and well-written -- I honestly tore through this one.

[Laura · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book arrived Tuesday afternoon and I couldn't stop reading it until I finished it Thursday morning. It's the kind of book I'd bring into the kitchen with me so I didn't miss out on reading during the 8 min my pasta was cooking.

I loved so many things about this book. It's soooo relatable. Even though parts of my story are different, I found myself nodding along so much. I loved hearing about Katie's love story with Lydia, and I especially love that it's not sugar-coated or cliched. She gets super real with how different it is to be a single person watching your friends date people (when you think they could totally do better) vs being in a relationship yourself, while also still being really sweet and clearly in love. I think that people who liked the first book will find a lot to like and relate to here, even though the "premise" is slightly different, now that she knows she's queer. I also really loved the little interstitials on girls she's realized she had crushes on, looking back. So cute and so real.

I'm excited to read everything else Katie will write.

[Sonja · Rating 5 out of 5]

I genuinely loved this SO MUCH. I could relate to a great number of things in Katie's story, and I laughed out loud a lot, particularly during the sections about Harry Styles (which, again, I related to very much, haha). I enjoyed this more than Never Have I Ever: My Life (So Far) Without a Date, probably because the themes in this appealed to me more, but I also felt that Katie's voice in this was more... grown up? It felt like she has a lot more internal security now, and that was comforting to read.

Would recommend!

[Carina · Rating 4 out of 5]

"Would You Rather?" is Katie Heaney's second memoir. Yes, at the ripe ol' age of 30 she has already written two of them! I have not read her first book ("Never Have I Ever: My Life (So Far) Without a Date") and you don't need to either, at least not in order to relate to and understand the new book. In the first book, and as the title implies, Heaney discusses her life until 25 and the singleness that has been its constant. She refers back to the first memoir a lot in "Would You Rather?" but never in an annoying kind of way where you feel like she's working on filler. She simply wants to make it clear, I think, that the thought of being gay or bisexual never crossed her mind while writing her first memoir.

Anyway, about the new book---
In "Would You Rather?: A Memoir of Growing Up and Coming Out" (again, as the title implies) Katie Heaney realizes that she is a lesbian. After 28 years of never being in a relationship and never having sex with a man, a light-bulb goes off in her head and she realizes that she may be bisexual...and then she realizes that she may in fact be straight-up gay. (See what I did there?) The book is essentially a collection of essays that detail the experiences that Heaney has leading up to and following her newfound sexuality: her friendships, her family, her life as a writer, her move to NY to work at Buzz Feed, her first official girlfriend, and her male and female crushes along the way. I really enjoyed this book! It was an easy read and quite fun at times. I think you'll enjoy the essay about Harry Styles and lesbians. That one had me laughing out loud.

On a more serious note.... I think this is an important book. Most books about coming out are about people who have always known that they are gay, that "discover" their homosexuality during adolescence, that have always been attracted to both men and women. This book is different because Katie Heaney really had no idea that she was gay until age 28. She was so convinced that she liked men that she wrote a whole book about it! People who have doubts don't do that! That being said, I think she's very brave to come out with this second book well-knowing that some people will simply say "Yeah, that figures! We should've seen it coming." (This issue is also addressed in the book.) I'll stop with the puns now and simply tell you that you should read this book!

**I got an advanced unproofed copy of this book from GoodReads**

[Danielle Booey · Rating 4 out of 5]

Buzzfeed profiled this book a couple of months ago and had a sample of the book to read in the article. I was immediately charmed by the author’s voice and the similarities to my life.

I’ve never met anyone else in my real life who came out in their late 20’s or took so long to figure out they were gay. I will, however, blame that on a heteronormative upbringing and call it good. Either way it is fun to see yourself reflected in what you read, especially when it happens with such infrequency.

So thank you Katie Heaney for your novel of growing up and coming out. I will treasure our one way through-the-page connection for a great long while.

[Kara · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really, really loved this. Listened to the audiobook which was read by the author (which is my favorite way to read a memoir, I think). I had heard of Katie's first book, in which she talks about being 25 and having never been in a relationship (me). This book is about her figuring out she's gay and coming out (not me). Still, her story is so easy to relate to, even as a straight woman. She just tells her story in a way that is honest and real and funny.

[Kate]

I don't feel right giving this a star rating given the nature of this personal memoir. I'm glad she wrote it. I'm glad its out there.

[Paige · Rating 3 out of 5]

I won a copy of this book from a goodreads giveaway, in exchange for an honest review.

Some spoilers

I originally signed up for the giveaway because I don't often get to read books (fiction or non-fiction) with LGBTQ themes. As part of the LGBTQ community, it's nice to see more representation, and someone willing to share their story. I didn't read Katie Heaney's first memoir, but that's okay, I think this one is more relevant to me.

The first half of this book really resonated with me. I was able to relate to Katie's struggle to realize that she is queer, and to determine what being queer meant to her. It is a scary thing, to realize you're not the person everyone thinks you are, and with that comes the worry that the people you love most will not accept you, or possibly abandon you. Reading the essays early in the book, took me on a walk down memory lane, in a way. As I read my way through the essays I thought back to the time in my life that I realized I was gay, and had to go through the ridiculous process of coming out. The baby dyke phase...good lord. Do we all go through that? I attribute my own baby dyke time period to the belief that one should fake it until they make.

The boy crazy stuff...I can't say I relate...just because that wasn't my experience in life, but I had plenty of friends who focused a lot of time on boys (famous or otherwise). I've always felt that kind of behavior was a little ridiculous when I observed it in my friends, and I felt similarly while reading this book. The chapter about Harry Styles in particular. To each their own.

Once I got to the second half of the book, I felt less of a connection to the author. I guess I was a little surprised about how occupied she seemed to be with her "otherness". Even after coming out, she seemed to think she wasn't queer enough, or not doing "queer" the right way. I know we all have our insecurities, and it definitely takes some time to feel comfortable in our own skin after coming out. It came across and self-important as opposed to insecure. If I had a friend who voiced an opinion similar to Katie's, I'm sure I would have shaken my head and told them to take it down a notch. The queer community as a whole isn't going to reject you because you don't know how to dress "gay". We are all too busy living our own lives to worry much about what a random lesbian is doing....get over yourself. (said in a loving way, of course) We are not a big band of gays with a hive mentality. I judge queer people the same way that I judge straight people. Are you a good human? Can I tolerate you for long periods of time? Can we laugh together? Girl, you're good. Just live your life! On a similar note, I struggled with the very long "coming out" social media post.

I appreciate that Katie addressed her white middle class privilege in one of the chapters....there were times prior to getting that far in the book that her privilege was glaringly obvious. Even in the midst of our own despair it's imperative we stay aware of the hardships other face. Feel your feelings, they are valid, but know how lucky you are. Katie seems to have that awareness, so even if she isn't as likable as sure used to be (as she claims), she has clearly grown as a person, and knows that there is room for continual growth.

Though I did not relate to all sections of this book, I still enjoyed this read overall. Books, whether they are fiction or non fiction should make us feel things, and it shouldn't just be warm fuzzies. I felt a wide spectrum of things on my journey through this book, so I call that a success.

**my rating system
1 star- Did not finish
2 stars- Did not enjoy
3 stars- enjoyed
4 stars- thoroughly enjoyed
5 stars- loved enough to read again

[Anna (Bananas) · Rating 4 out of 5]

It was refreshing to run across a book that I could relate to so much. The author is a lifelong straight girl who now identifies as gay. (The lgbt factor alone is welcome in a memoir.) As a lifelong bi person who has realized I’m more attracted to women, I understood that feeling, that relief at finally figuring yourself out. And your romantic history suddenly makes so much sense in retrospect.

She talks about claiming a label and not being sure it’s accurate for her or that she’s earned it yet. Accuracy is important but also for some sexuality isn’t simple. It’s not black and white. And it can be fluid. She talks about being afraid to come out at first. But once you do, it’s freeing.

The book was also cringey in parts. Like every memoir I’ve read, some sections were too navel gazing. The mundane details of anyone’s life are just...not...interesting. Also, as a new person to the queer community, the author often came off as clueless or, worse, fake, like when she feels the need to appear gay once she’s out. She starts dressing differently and analyzing haircuts. I wanted to scream at her, just be yourself. There’s not one kind of queer person or one kind of lesbian. It came off as immature for someone in her 30s.

More often though I got where she was coming from or she at least explained herself well enough. Her exploration of dating apps rang true and made me laugh. Her growing feelings for her first girlfriend were sweet and relatable. The way she described finally feeling what she’d been missing with guys, that chemistry and excitement, with a girl, made me smile. ❤️

Overall I would say I enjoyed this memoir. It was a win for me. Worth picking up for any gay girl. And to the author - don’t worry too much about your old fans who can’t relate to you anymore. You have a whole new kind of reader who does.

[Kate · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thanks Netgalley for the ARC.

I loved the other two books I've read by Katie Heaney (NEVER HAVE I EVER and the novel PUBLIC RELATIONS), and I loved this, too. Like her first book, in this one Katie is a very relatable writer, but part of that may be because we're the same age and grew up in similar environments (the midwest). I feel like this book could be written by my best friend, because it's conversational and real, and I love that. Like, if I lived in NYC, I'd totally want to hang out with her.

This is a quick read, but it's meaningful, and I like the organization of it. The little snippets of her crushes on girls throughout her life are a lighthearted interlude between the overarching story she's telling. She touches on issues of feminism and LGBTQ rights, but nothing is so in-your-face that it becomes about that. Instead, it's about her experience. Regardless of your sexuality, this is an enjoyable read. Highly recommend.

Now I need to read DEAR EMMA as well, because I'm sure I won't be disappointed.

[Chelsea · Rating 5 out of 5]

We need more queer narratives like this!

I especially liked:
- The push back on the narrative the queer people always 'know' and are just hiding it until they come out
- The notion that when you discover/embrace your queer identity, it doesn't have to invalidate all the crushes/feelings/experiences you had prior to that
- Not everybody is on the same timeline and that's a great thing about the queer community-- so many different paths and experiences are what make it such an interesting community

Also many things I identified with in here, like the period of changing your hair and wardrobe right after coming out. And even as a person who's been out for 10+ years, and who lives in a very queer area, I STILL gawk excitedly at other queer people on the streets and want to hold my gf's hand so we all recognize each other.

[Jen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Love, love, love, love, love this book. I listened to the Audio but want to buy the print too.

[Tony Snyder · Rating 5 out of 5]

Extremely relatable and Katie is like a best friend you can't help but root for. Also, if you haven't read her novel "Public Relations", every music groupie is in for a treat!

[Ash · Rating 1 out of 5]

I’ll admit I skimmed a bunch of this. I just found it pretty boring. The bulk of it was such mundane, common occurrences that I found myself wondering why I was bothering to finish the book at all.

[Kristin-Leigh · Rating 5 out of 5]

Every once in a while a book crosses my path at the perfect moment, in a sort of unintentional serendipity - this was one of those books!

Heaney spends a lot of words lamenting that her story is probably unfortunately unique but I related all too well, as another woman who fell prey to compulsory heterosexuality and didn't come out until her late 20s. I think she will learn as a consequence of publication just how often this happens and how valuable and relatable her take is.

She's far more eloquent than I'd be about the dentist appointment dread with which I too viewed dating men, the weird waffling over whether knowing about the existence of gay people may have "made" one gay (LOL), and she has far more insightful comments to make about her own pre-coming-out twinky male celebrity obsession (mine was over Justin Bieber, not Harry Styles, and an old friend of mine with a similar trajectory would cite Ryan Ross of Panic! At the Disco...but same difference). It all rings so true!

I would of course recommend this book to readers who don't think they'll find it painfully relatable, too - it's funny, it's insightful and honest in its self-reflection, and it's very binge-able.

[Alex (Pucksandpaperbacks) · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this! Having read Never Have I Ever, I was curious to see the sequel to Katie's single-life and love-life. I especially enjoyed this because she talks about being boy crazy and then realizing later in life that she's actually queer. This is a topic that is rarely ever discussed and I LOVED IT.

[Tatiana · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really liked her first book and loved this one too.

Definitely recommend!

[Thea Boyne · Rating 4 out of 5]

I feel so *seen* by this book, particularly in its treatment of anxiety and realizing your sexuality/coming out. 💛🌈

[juliette · Rating 4 out of 5]

“for the first time in my life, I chose to accept that I wasn’t into most guys because i wasn’t really inti guys. And that was okay, i didn’t HAVE to like men. "

a cute and emotional testimonials on what is like to realize you’re a lesbian and that it’s perfectly okay and is actually relieving.