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My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands
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My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

3.79  ·  Rating details ·  96,170 ratings  ·  6,180 reviews
You've either done it or know someone who has: the one-night stand, the familiar outcome of a night spent at a bar, sometimes the sole payoff for your friend's irritating wedding, or the only relief from a disastrous vacation. Often embarrassing and uncomfortable, occasionally outlandish, but most times just a necessary and irresistible evil, the one-night stand is a ...more
Paperback, 213 pages
Published June 6th 2005 by Bloomsbury USA (first published June 6th 2004)
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Average rating 3.79  · 
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 ·  96,170 ratings  ·  6,180 reviews


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Melody
Oct 04, 2007 rated it did not like it
I couldn't finish this book. I found it distasteful, facile and pandering. It made my skin crawl. Loathsome. I'm certainly a fan of sex in all its consensual forms, so that part didn't squick me a bit, other than it just wasn't written in a fashion that made me like any of the participants. The author blithely trotted out and proudly displayed nearly every flavor of prejudice in the first 80 pages. I'm bewildered by the apparent popularity of this collection.
Heather
Jun 02, 2008 rated it really liked it
I about died reading this book. Seriously, I had to put the book down several times because I was crying so hard from laughing. I am not normally the type of reader who laughs out loud at what she is reading. However, I am thankful that I was home alone for most of this book. Having witnesses would have made me appear to be some kind of whack job.

I highly recommend this book unless the following things bother you, offend you, or any other type of negative feelings ensue: sex, body parts,
...more
Petal X Planet
I watch Chelsea Handler's late night show on tv and the disconnect between her professional-young-woman look and foul-mouthed retelling of her sexual expoits is quite funny and I looked forward to more of the same in the book. However, the humour lies in her drunken exploits picking up a myriad of men and then her personal insults against them, whether it be their 'size', personal habits, looks, intelligence or housekeeping ability. There are several side characters, all of whom might have been ...more
Suzanne
May 28, 2007 rated it really liked it
Recommends it for: Any woman who doesn't easily offend
I was embarrassed reading this book in public. I was getting a pedicure while reading parts of it and swore the pedicurist had xray vision, could see what I was reading, and subsequently thought I was a huge perv. This is supported by the crappy pedicure I recieved. Regardless, this book is hilarious. A perfect trashy beach read. I cannot fathom that parts of it were not embelished for hilarity's sake, but hilarious it was. Let this be your guilty, guilty pleasure.
Meowy
Mar 25, 2008 rated it it was amazing
Recommends it for: My friends
OMG! This woman kept me laughing, page by page. I didn't want to stop reading, but I had to get to work. Thank goodness for my rides to and from work in a bus, I get to read rather than pay attention to what's going on on the road. People must've thought I was retarded when they would see me suddenly burst out laughing out loud. I got lost in Chelsea's world. I can't wait to read her other book.

You gotta know her and what she's about before reading this or you might think she's too raunchy for
...more
Penny
Jan 12, 2009 rated it it was ok
I have never considered myself prudish before - but reading these recollections and seeing how little respect Handler had for the men she encountered really depressed me. I had hoped that the book would be Fun and Liberating - The story of a confident, single woman who took charge of her sexual experiences! What a Let-Down! There were a handful of funny one-liners - but after reading this book, I found that I really didn't like the author and that her exploits left a bad taste in my mouth !!!!
Linda Aull
Jun 10, 2008 rated it liked it
Recommends it for: those who have had "moments"
Recommended to Linda by: Lisa
Shelves: non-fiction
As if I needed more help feeling like a nun.

Wow! Chelsea takes a no-holds barred look back at her sex-capades. There is something in this book to make everyone squirm. It fits into the same category as the movies "American Pie" or "Superbad" - and that category is: I must watch them alone so that I have absolutely no witnesses to which obscenities I find most hilarious. I want no record of what I laughed at.

This was fun to read (and quick) but I don't think it's for everyone. The virtuous girls
...more
Chloe
Jun 26, 2008 rated it really liked it
Recommended to Chloe by: K@
Hilarious, as always. Magnificently endowed midgets, an Adonis of a stripper known only as THUNDER, a cruise ship performer- her conquests stack up rather quickly and fortunately for the reader nearly always end in tears and/or vodka. Chelsea is always willing to skewer herself for the cause of a good joke and this book is full of them. Definitely not for the easily offended or delicately sensible.
Sybil aka Lala
Aug 27, 2015 rated it did not like it
I expected the non-PC jokes.

I expected the brash humour.

I expected the mean comments.

I did NOT expect the boredom.

I was expecting a funny book with descriptions of one-night stands. What I got was running commentary on being drunk and stupid. None of which I had a problem with. This book was just fucking boring.
Vanessa
Nov 03, 2016 rated it it was ok
Sorry yuck I probably would have liked this in my early 20's now it's just embarrassing. Some parts are entertaining but my gut feelings is that it's mostly fabricated or at least exaggerated or stretched for extra content. I'm still curious to read her other books but this one didn't do it for me. A big nope from me. On the plus side it was a perfect audiobook for easy entertainment something that didn't require a lot of concentration or brain cells.
Michael
I hope for the sake of the innocent and guilty that the names in this kiss and tell book were changed. Actually that should be more like--have sex with and tell, but that's beside the point.

Chelesa Handler's memoir of memorable one-night stands is both as racy as you'd expect and not nearly as racy as you'd like to think. Handler's humor is self-deprecating and the fact that she finds such an assortment of one-night stands is an intersting one. The book could definitely be an advertisement for
...more
Becky Diak
Aug 01, 2007 rated it it was amazing
Funny Funny Funny, and hopelessly wonderful. I couldn't put it down. It just kept driving me to read more of these hilariously awful experiences. How I don't know. And Honestly I'm not too sure I care. Proclaiming that she "[feels] it is important to have sex soon after meeting someone", Chelsea unabashedly hands you her life in a way that could only make the reader feel better about their own, with the wierd twist of truly wishing you had a friend like her in your life. And I love her for it.
Mandy
Aug 22, 2015 rated it liked it
Funny book... Found myself laughing out loud a few times!
Amy
May 29, 2008 rated it really liked it
I really liked this book. Chelsea Handler is hilarious! In this book she tells of her many misadventures with alcohol and promiscuity -they had a tendency to go together- and her crazy family and friends. The book starts with a tale about the time Chelsea's oldest sister Sloane dared her to walk in on their parents and take a picture of them having sex for five bucks and ends with Chelsea finally coming to the realization that she is a -grown ass woman- and that it's time she acted like one, ...more
Kori
Jun 22, 2008 rated it it was amazing
Recommends it for: Chelsea Handler fans, Laurie Notaro fans
Chelsea Handler is so freakin' funny, I can hardly stand it. I wish she would move her drunk, slutty, foul-mouthed self to to Wisconsin so that we could become best friends.
Sherese
Mar 02, 2008 rated it really liked it
I picked up this book for 50 cents at my local library's weekly book sale about two weeks ago. I figured what the hell, it's 50 cents and I think Chelsea Handler is rather funny on her E! talk show. Plus, I need something light anf fluffy to read after reading two very serious books. I thought the first 121 pages of this book ( the rest of the book was okay, but not hilarious like the first half) was absolutely hilarious! I laughed out loud frequently and read excerpts of the book to my roommate ...more
Meredith
Aug 20, 2007 rated it it was amazing
Recommends it for: Chelsea Handler Fans
Loved, loved, loved this book. Chelsea really does take things to the extreme and while I read the book I couldn't believe that it was a memoir. You could have read the book thinking it was fiction the things that she did were so outrageous. If you like Chelsea's humor than this is a book for you. Finished it in about a day because I loved it so much.
Jillyn
Dec 24, 2012 rated it liked it
Recommends it for: the not easily offended
Chelsea Handler is a comedienne best known for her show, Chelsea Lately, as well as her previous books (Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea and Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang). She brings her edgy, often profane and hilariously offensive sense of humor to this book, which is a collection of one night stands that she has had in her life. Ranging from men to odd fetishes, midgets, and men who can't even "rise" to the occasion, she brings a unique perspective to the life of a single woman in LA.

---

...more
Beth
Apr 07, 2008 rated it it was amazing
Recommended to Beth by: John Porter
Shelves: memoirs
I don't like that according to Goodreads that 5 stars means the book was "amazing" because I wouldn't go as far as to say this book was amazing but it was definitely hilarious and laugh-out-loud funny. That's 5 stars in my book.
Maggie
Jun 18, 2008 rated it it was amazing
Shelves: mine
This book would make anyone laugh out loud. Or maybe not. Just do me a favor and if you don't like it, don't tell me or I will lose all respect for you.
Ashley
Well I tell you what, this book. It was just unpleasant.

I would not have picked this up if it weren’t for a bingo game I was playing, and none of the other choices for that particular square looked at all appealing. I thought, well if you pick this one at least you won’t be bored! And that was true. But my version of not being bored mostly consisted of me yelling at my audiobook about how much I disliked almost everything that was going on.

Maybe she is a different author now in her most recent
...more
Chelsea (chelseadolling reads)
Listened to this audiobook on a whim today while cleaning my apartment and... meh. It was funny enough and exactly what I was in the mood for, but it was also just a little too crude for my taste. Which tbh is saying something because I rarely (if ever) get offended by comedy.
Amanda NEVER MANDY
Jul 02, 2019 rated it did not like it  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: 2019, funny-people
I absolutely adored my very first Handler book and expected much the same out of this one. Apparently my predicting the future skills need a little polishing up because this book was terrible. It contained a few funny spots but overall it was lacking the required goods. The transitions were rough as hell and the presentation of the content was poorly done. The whole time I was reading it I kept thinking of another book by a different author that I did a hard DNF on. It was the same kind of ...more
Meredith
Nov 26, 2007 rated it really liked it
In this collection of random one-night stands, Chealsea Handler is sarcastic, hilarious, intelligent and witty. Oh, yeah, she's also a slut. This book is as easy as Chelsea - to read, with each one-night stand comprising a chapter, so it's great for put-it-down/pick-it-up readers who can take either a day or a year to finish this collection of stories. Important to note - this is not erotica...the comedian writes on the humorous circumstances and events around the hookup, not the actual sex.
Becky
Mar 17, 2008 rated it really liked it
I read this book on the plane to Orlando and read her latest book "Are you there Vodka? It's me, Chelsea" on plane ride back. It was an easy, hilarious read. Chelsea Handler is ruthless and crass but I love her. This book is a tell all about her numerous hookups and relationships. Some of the stories make you cringe but her shamlessness is also refreshing.
Greta
Aug 27, 2008 rated it it was amazing
I am not a night owl, so I rarely catch "Chelsea Lately" on E!.... however, I am going to have to stop going to bed earlier than a senior citizen and start watching! This book is hilarious and crude (often disturbing!) but was very entertaining.
Thanks to Ingrid, who passed it on to me...who received it from her friend Rachel....
Allison
Jun 19, 2008 rated it it was amazing
I laughed on buses and trains and in restaurants reading this hilarious confessional. It should have been embarrassing but I couldn't stop either the reading or the laughing. This won't be a one night stand for me. I love Chelsea!!
Eva Leger
Jul 23, 2008 rated it really liked it
Recommends it for: only people with a great sense of humor and who accept stereotyping
Recommended to Eva by: Jeannie
I really, really got a kick out of this book. If anyone was going to read a book by Handler I would definitely say to read this instead of Are You There God, It's Me Chelsea. This is especially true for anyone wanting to read her books who doesn't already know her and/or doesn't watch her t.v. show. I had never heard her or watched her before and only was interested because I heard she was pretty funny. My Horizontal Life showed her sense of humor far better in my opinion.
There are quite a few
...more
Olivera
Jan 27, 2017 rated it did not like it  ·  review of another edition
Shelves: non-fiction, 2017
I can't believe how much I disliked this. I can't believe how much disgust I felt towards Chelsea and literally every other person in the book.
I'm all for sexual liberty and feminism, don't get me wrong. And one-night stands are certainly nothing bad. But what Handler was talking about wasn't a healthy relationship towards any of these things. She was often deceptive and a straight up compulsive liar with the people she ended up being intimate with for no apparent reason what so ever.
Reading
...more
Muthulakshmi
Oct 29, 2015 rated it did not like it
This woman is a horrible human being. This book is her boasting about what a complete horror of a human being she is.
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Who loves Chelsea Handler? 11 75 Nov 26, 2015 08:37AM  
2015 Reading Chal...: My Horizontal Life by Chelsea Handler 3 22 Feb 28, 2015 09:20PM  
One Night Stands... 22 221 Aug 24, 2012 12:43AM  
Free Book Giveaway: Free giveaway of Chelsea Handler's My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One Night Stands 1 9 Aug 18, 2012 09:39AM  

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Chelsea Handler has become one of entertainment’s most sought after and versatile rising stars. In July 2007, Chelsea broke into the world of late-night talk shows with her E! Entertainment series, Chelsea Lately (airing weeknights at 11:00 p.m.). Consistently the network’s highest-rated program, Chelsea Lately offers a tongue-in-cheek look at entertainment news, celebrity truths, and rumors that ...more
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“At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall ALL the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer.” 514 likes
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