What do you think?
Rate this book
Advice Not Given: A Guide to Getting Over Yourself
"Most people will never find a great psychiatrist or a great Buddhist teacher, but Mark Epstein is both, and the wisdom he imparts in Advice Not Given is an act of generosity and compassion. The book is a tonic for the ailments of our time."--Ann Patchett, New York Times bestselling author of Commonwealth
Our ego, and its accompanying sense of nagging self-doubt as we work to be bigger, better, smarter, and more in control, is one affliction we all share. And while our ego claims to have our best interests at heart, in its never-ending pursuit of attention and power, it sabotages the very goals it sets to achieve. In Advice Not Given, renowned psychiatrist and author Dr. Mark Epstein reveals how Buddhism and Western psychotherapy, two traditions that developed in entirely different times and places and, until recently, had nothing to do with each other, both identify the ego as the limiting factor in our well-being, and both come to the same conclusion: When we give the ego free rein, we suffer; but when it learns to let go, we are free.
With great insight, and in a deeply personal style, Epstein offers readers a how-to guide that refuses a quick fix, grounded in two traditions devoted to maximizing the human potential for living a better life. Using the Eightfold Path, eight areas of self-reflection that Buddhists believe necessary for enlightenment, as his scaffolding, Epstein looks back productively on his own experience and that of his patients. While the ideas of the Eightfold Path are as old as Buddhism itself, when informed by the sensibility of Western psychotherapy, they become something more: a road map for spiritual and psychological growth, a way of dealing with the intractable problem of the ego. Breaking down the wall between East and West, Epstein brings a Buddhist sensibility to therapy and a therapist's practicality to Buddhism. Speaking clearly and directly, he offers a rethinking of mindfulness that encourages people to be more watchful of their ego, an idea with a strong foothold in Buddhism but now for the first time applied in the context of psychotherapy.
Our ego is at once our biggest obstacle and our greatest hope. We can be at its mercy or we can learn to mold it. Completely unique and practical, Epstein's advice can be used by all--each in his or her own way--and will provide wise counsel in a confusing world. After all, as he says, "Our egos can use all the help they can get."
Our ego, and its accompanying sense of nagging self-doubt as we work to be bigger, better, smarter, and more in control, is one affliction we all share. And while our ego claims to have our best interests at heart, in its never-ending pursuit of attention and power, it sabotages the very goals it sets to achieve. In Advice Not Given, renowned psychiatrist and author Dr. Mark Epstein reveals how Buddhism and Western psychotherapy, two traditions that developed in entirely different times and places and, until recently, had nothing to do with each other, both identify the ego as the limiting factor in our well-being, and both come to the same conclusion: When we give the ego free rein, we suffer; but when it learns to let go, we are free.
With great insight, and in a deeply personal style, Epstein offers readers a how-to guide that refuses a quick fix, grounded in two traditions devoted to maximizing the human potential for living a better life. Using the Eightfold Path, eight areas of self-reflection that Buddhists believe necessary for enlightenment, as his scaffolding, Epstein looks back productively on his own experience and that of his patients. While the ideas of the Eightfold Path are as old as Buddhism itself, when informed by the sensibility of Western psychotherapy, they become something more: a road map for spiritual and psychological growth, a way of dealing with the intractable problem of the ego. Breaking down the wall between East and West, Epstein brings a Buddhist sensibility to therapy and a therapist's practicality to Buddhism. Speaking clearly and directly, he offers a rethinking of mindfulness that encourages people to be more watchful of their ego, an idea with a strong foothold in Buddhism but now for the first time applied in the context of psychotherapy.
Our ego is at once our biggest obstacle and our greatest hope. We can be at its mercy or we can learn to mold it. Completely unique and practical, Epstein's advice can be used by all--each in his or her own way--and will provide wise counsel in a confusing world. After all, as he says, "Our egos can use all the help they can get."
224 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 2018
916 people are currently reading
7171 people want to read
About the author
Mark Epstein
63 books743 followersMark Epstein, M.D. is a psychiatrist in private practice in New York City and the author of a number of books about the interface of Buddhism and psychotherapy. He received his undergraduate and medical degrees from Harvard University and is currently Clinical Assistant Professor in the Postdoctoral Program in Psychotherapy and Psychoanalysis at New York University.
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 277 reviews
January 29, 2018
The title immediately intrigued me. Instead of a perhaps more gentle of diplomatic way of phrasing it, it's a "get over yourself" message which is sometimes necessary. So it seemed like this could be an intriguing read.
The author uses a mix of Buddhist teachings combined with Western therapy to aid his patients and to provide guidance (but no quick solutions) to the reader. It's also speckled with stories of his patients and their interactions. Honestly, the book was incredibly boring. Another reviewer notes that having more than basic knowledge of Buddhism would help and I agree.
Another review also talks about how Wilhelm Reich had a patient lie naked and said he'd teach her how to flirt. Not an expert on therapy or Reich but after looking him up I found that he had been suspected of being sexually abused as a child and seemed to have an unusual interest in sex and childhood sexuality. Children were made to stand naked in front of him as part of therapy and they had described as being sexually abused by Reich's colleagues, although not Reich himself. I understand that none of this is part of Epstein's goal in writing the book but I found it bizarre that he'd talk about Reich and teaching a patient how to flirt without discussing the allegations and/or that learning how to flirt seems like an unusual part of therapy (and what does it have to do with Buddhism?).
As you can see, this book just gets a side-eye from me. I guess that's what I get for picking up a book based on the title alone. Skip it.
The author uses a mix of Buddhist teachings combined with Western therapy to aid his patients and to provide guidance (but no quick solutions) to the reader. It's also speckled with stories of his patients and their interactions. Honestly, the book was incredibly boring. Another reviewer notes that having more than basic knowledge of Buddhism would help and I agree.
Another review also talks about how Wilhelm Reich had a patient lie naked and said he'd teach her how to flirt. Not an expert on therapy or Reich but after looking him up I found that he had been suspected of being sexually abused as a child and seemed to have an unusual interest in sex and childhood sexuality. Children were made to stand naked in front of him as part of therapy and they had described as being sexually abused by Reich's colleagues, although not Reich himself. I understand that none of this is part of Epstein's goal in writing the book but I found it bizarre that he'd talk about Reich and teaching a patient how to flirt without discussing the allegations and/or that learning how to flirt seems like an unusual part of therapy (and what does it have to do with Buddhism?).
As you can see, this book just gets a side-eye from me. I guess that's what I get for picking up a book based on the title alone. Skip it.
March 12, 2018
This is a wonderful book that gave me a lot to ponder. If you are interested at all in Buddhism and how to apply the practices of meditation and mindfulness to the challenges of everyday life, this is one not to miss.
January 28, 2018
The book is a mixture of freudian psychotherapy and buddhism. I love the concept and I learned a lot. It's a short book and it's not as scientific as Robert Wright's "Why Buddhism is True" or as practical as some of the other guides like Zinn's or Radical Acceptance. But it's good.
September 8, 2020
I guess I'd call it a crash course in both buddhism and psychotherapy.
June 13, 2019
A thought-provoking interpretation of Buddhism. Epstein allies Buddhist practice not with cognitive-behavioral theory, its usual accomplice rather with the less fashionable Freudian psychoanalysis (which puts me in mind of John Gray, whose philosophy similarly unites the two).
After an introduction in which Epstein describes his dawning realization that more explicitly bringing Buddhist ideas into his therapeutic sessions might help his patients, the book is arranged according to the eight-fold path, and Epstein's interpretation of each:
1. Right view: here he argues--in a move reminiscent once more of Gray--that meditation should not be seen as a nostrum, a way to find inner peace or clarity; not a way to solve one's inner conflicts. The point of meditation is to confront impermanence, nothing more. Including the impermanence of the self.
2. Right motivation: he argues that the goal of meditation and associated practices is not to purify (though cleansing is part of meditation) but to engage fully with life. Emotions are not (just) an obstacle but a path to change, too. There is not antiseptic perfection.
3. Right speech: Epstein acknowledges the traditional understanding--no rumors, gossip, hurtful words--but applies this to how we speak to ourselves as well. Being willing to give up the (often negative) stories we tell ourselves about ourselves.
4. Right action: Once more, there is a classical explanation with which Epstein is in agreement--don't kill, steal, etc.,--but he adds his own gloss. He sees it almost as behaving ritualistically; setting aside the ego's demands for instant gratification to do appropriate work, too. (It's also a brief for being slightly unorthodox, if doing so is in accord with higher principles.)
5. Right livelihood: in addition to avoiding the wrong jobs, this injunction, as Epstein has it, should encourage us to consider how we live in the world generally--what interactions are jobs demand, and not just whether we are successful (for conventional values of success).
6. Right effort: Neither with too much strain nor not enough, always allowing for the self to show through our activities, too. Take what is good, and leave the rest. (This is probably the vaguest of the chapters.)
7. Right mindfulness: Epstein emphasizes that mindfulness is an introductory technique, to teach the practice of being aware (awake) but not the ne plus ultra of Buddhism, as it has come to be seen in the West. It is not a method of self-improvement but can be translated as "remembering." It can be thought of as a muscle that can be used to self-observation--and that is what leads to insight.
8. Right concentration: Concentration is only right when it helps one recognize impermanence and loosens the grip of ego, not when it allows when to build a protective wall of peacefulness to escape the world. Concentrate on the breath; relax; feel more grounded. Then go on.
After an introduction in which Epstein describes his dawning realization that more explicitly bringing Buddhist ideas into his therapeutic sessions might help his patients, the book is arranged according to the eight-fold path, and Epstein's interpretation of each:
1. Right view: here he argues--in a move reminiscent once more of Gray--that meditation should not be seen as a nostrum, a way to find inner peace or clarity; not a way to solve one's inner conflicts. The point of meditation is to confront impermanence, nothing more. Including the impermanence of the self.
2. Right motivation: he argues that the goal of meditation and associated practices is not to purify (though cleansing is part of meditation) but to engage fully with life. Emotions are not (just) an obstacle but a path to change, too. There is not antiseptic perfection.
3. Right speech: Epstein acknowledges the traditional understanding--no rumors, gossip, hurtful words--but applies this to how we speak to ourselves as well. Being willing to give up the (often negative) stories we tell ourselves about ourselves.
4. Right action: Once more, there is a classical explanation with which Epstein is in agreement--don't kill, steal, etc.,--but he adds his own gloss. He sees it almost as behaving ritualistically; setting aside the ego's demands for instant gratification to do appropriate work, too. (It's also a brief for being slightly unorthodox, if doing so is in accord with higher principles.)
5. Right livelihood: in addition to avoiding the wrong jobs, this injunction, as Epstein has it, should encourage us to consider how we live in the world generally--what interactions are jobs demand, and not just whether we are successful (for conventional values of success).
6. Right effort: Neither with too much strain nor not enough, always allowing for the self to show through our activities, too. Take what is good, and leave the rest. (This is probably the vaguest of the chapters.)
7. Right mindfulness: Epstein emphasizes that mindfulness is an introductory technique, to teach the practice of being aware (awake) but not the ne plus ultra of Buddhism, as it has come to be seen in the West. It is not a method of self-improvement but can be translated as "remembering." It can be thought of as a muscle that can be used to self-observation--and that is what leads to insight.
8. Right concentration: Concentration is only right when it helps one recognize impermanence and loosens the grip of ego, not when it allows when to build a protective wall of peacefulness to escape the world. Concentrate on the breath; relax; feel more grounded. Then go on.
January 20, 2018
Beautiful book. The view of the ego and mindfulness presented here is extremely practical and easy to follow and understand. According to Mark Epstein, the ego is not something that we need to eradicate - rather, it’s something that we need to mold and learn to harness. The book offers a mix of psychotherapy and Buddhist practices that can help us lead better lives. The book is divided into sections that cover the 8 fold path to enlightenment:
1. Right view - a balanced/complete view of everything
2. Right motivation - apply your intellect to life, not impulse
3. Right speech - intervene between thought and action
4. Right action - mobilise your power of restraint
5. Right livelihood - avoid the worst qualities of humanity
6. Right effort - find balance
7. Right mindfulness - keep an eye on yourself
8. Right concentration - focus on the ocean not the waves
I added a little note to highlight an idea explored in each path. The book goes way deeper on the points with support from Freudian psychology, stories drawn from the author’s personal experiences, clients and from Buddhist teaching etc. I love how short the book is with such a refreshing and relaxed approach to mindfulness.
1. Right view - a balanced/complete view of everything
2. Right motivation - apply your intellect to life, not impulse
3. Right speech - intervene between thought and action
4. Right action - mobilise your power of restraint
5. Right livelihood - avoid the worst qualities of humanity
6. Right effort - find balance
7. Right mindfulness - keep an eye on yourself
8. Right concentration - focus on the ocean not the waves
I added a little note to highlight an idea explored in each path. The book goes way deeper on the points with support from Freudian psychology, stories drawn from the author’s personal experiences, clients and from Buddhist teaching etc. I love how short the book is with such a refreshing and relaxed approach to mindfulness.
March 18, 2018
This one was a little hard for me to get into since it wasn't more broadly applicable, although it was a quick read with some insights/food for thought.
Takeaways:
- Meditation is a temporary alleviation of anxiety/pain that doesn't dictate how at peace one will be in their moment of death; a truthful response may not be a zen one
- "Learn the backward step that turns your light inward to illuminate yourself." - Japanese Buddhist phrase
- 8 worldly concerns according to the Buddha 1. gain 2. loss 3. pleasure 4. pain 5.praise 6. blame 7. fame 8. disgrace
- "We take what is good from our parents and leave the rest. That's how we honor them." - Bruce Springsteen
- Mindfulness isn't a way of life, but an introductory technique meant to be expanded upon and not used as a crutch to avoid conflict or connection
Takeaways:
- Meditation is a temporary alleviation of anxiety/pain that doesn't dictate how at peace one will be in their moment of death; a truthful response may not be a zen one
- "Learn the backward step that turns your light inward to illuminate yourself." - Japanese Buddhist phrase
- 8 worldly concerns according to the Buddha 1. gain 2. loss 3. pleasure 4. pain 5.praise 6. blame 7. fame 8. disgrace
- "We take what is good from our parents and leave the rest. That's how we honor them." - Bruce Springsteen
- Mindfulness isn't a way of life, but an introductory technique meant to be expanded upon and not used as a crutch to avoid conflict or connection
January 2, 2021
Potent Quotables:
Promoted as a method of stress reduction, as a means of evoking the relaxation response, lowering blood pressure, countering the fight-or-flight response, and increasing cognitive efficiency, meditation has entered Western culture as a practical tool to help people cope. Increasingly, it is being offered not only as an adjunct to psychotherapy, but as a replacement for it. In my view, this is unfortunate. Unfortunate in the same way an overenthusiasm for Prozac was unfortunate. People want there to be a magic bullet. They want something quick and easy that will work.
If the temporary dissolution of self were all that was needed, problems would not be so tenacious.
Emotional content needs a welcoming attitude; otherwise it will remain undigested, waiting to jump out at inopportune times.
Letting go, even when you know you are right, is not a bad thing to keep in mind. Most of us do not recognize when our egos are driving our behavior. We feel justified in our opinions and in our expectations.
There is a wonderful sound when a therapist is able to listen without judgments or preconceptions, when he stops looking for what he already knows, restrains his own need to prove how smart he is, and settles into a state of relaxed alertness.
Feelings can percolate under the surface and make us act in ways we do not completely understand. When the feelings are named, the compulsive actions are often not so necessary.
Sati means remembering. Right Mindfulness—or Right Sati—means remembering to keep an eye on oneself. Its opposite is forgetting—or absentmindedness—the kind of forgetting that happens all of the time when one is lost in thought. The distinctive quality of mindfulness is that it remembers. Once established in the mind, it remembers itself. A clearer description of what is meant by sati might be presence of mind.
“You know,” he confided, “I never use the word ‘mindfulness’ with a man in Oklahoma. People just don’t like the sound of it.” “What do you say to them instead, then?” I inquired. I thought maybe he had figured out a whole new vocabulary. “I just tell them, ‘Go outside and close the door. Stand there and listen.’ That’s enough.”
It is possible to overvalue mindfulness, to remain attached to its form rather than working directly with what it reveals.
Clinging takes many forms, and the desire for inner peace can sometimes be just as neurotic as other, more obvious addictions. The wish to lose oneself, however well intentioned, masks a mind-set dominated by self-judgment and self-deprecation. It is often just another way of trying to find a safe place to hide, replacing a troubled self with something perfect and unassailable.
The goal is to meet the challenges with equanimity, not to make them go away.
July 11, 2021
Wow, what a breath of fresh air. This book sits in the often-misunderstood, quasi-greyish space between secular Buddhism and psychotherapy. And Epstein is the perfect person to write this book. I am so glad he did.
Epstein explains each of the 8 precepts (of Buddhism) using tremendous insight. With each one, he explains how it is classically taught, and also how it is approached in modern, secular Buddhism. And he deftly intertwines his experiences with psychotherapy with those of Buddhism -- both as a practitioner (Epstein is a psychiatrist) and a patient, having had a lot of therapy himself. He uses personal stories, stories of his patients, stories of random people he has met at dinner parties, and famous or classical stories to illustrate his points about how to practice these 8 precepts. His stories and examples are accessible, funny, enlightening, and serious. They are also extremely pertinent to the points he is making -- they are perfectly chosen. Epstein has a way of explaining things in very basic ways that do not feel dumbed-down. I imagine he is an engaging person to speak with, and a personable therapist. Perhaps most of all, I appreciated Epstein's vulnerability in his writing. He is honest, revealing, and self-deprecating in a way that feels authentic and very human. He does not profess to be an expert. But he feels he's learned a few things at the intersection of Western pscyhotherapy and Eastern Buddhist practice that are worth sharing.
And I'm glad he did, as I have learned so much!
I read this in 2 days, but that is only because my library due date was hovering and I was sure I wanted to read this. I'm now considering buying my own copy as I think it would make for a useful reference book in my personal library.
Epstein explains each of the 8 precepts (of Buddhism) using tremendous insight. With each one, he explains how it is classically taught, and also how it is approached in modern, secular Buddhism. And he deftly intertwines his experiences with psychotherapy with those of Buddhism -- both as a practitioner (Epstein is a psychiatrist) and a patient, having had a lot of therapy himself. He uses personal stories, stories of his patients, stories of random people he has met at dinner parties, and famous or classical stories to illustrate his points about how to practice these 8 precepts. His stories and examples are accessible, funny, enlightening, and serious. They are also extremely pertinent to the points he is making -- they are perfectly chosen. Epstein has a way of explaining things in very basic ways that do not feel dumbed-down. I imagine he is an engaging person to speak with, and a personable therapist. Perhaps most of all, I appreciated Epstein's vulnerability in his writing. He is honest, revealing, and self-deprecating in a way that feels authentic and very human. He does not profess to be an expert. But he feels he's learned a few things at the intersection of Western pscyhotherapy and Eastern Buddhist practice that are worth sharing.
And I'm glad he did, as I have learned so much!
I read this in 2 days, but that is only because my library due date was hovering and I was sure I wanted to read this. I'm now considering buying my own copy as I think it would make for a useful reference book in my personal library.
December 28, 2019
The author provides his take on the Buddhist eight-fold path to enlightenment, informed by his traditional psychological training. I found his friendly discussion an interesting way to learn about the path to enlightenment, with stories that sound more like they are out of the pop psychology books I am familiar with. I will look for more on this topic, and would positively consider books by Epstein.
August 30, 2021
Lovely! Interesting and thought-provoking explanations of concepts from psychotherapy and Buddhism, and their intersecting points, plus often moving anecdotes from his practice (as a psychiatrist and as a meditator)and life experience. It was a very engaging combination, and I was really sad when it ended.
April 9, 2025
Serendipitous timing of reading this book with my recent reflections. Suffering is inextricable to life and leaning into it to let go allows us to loosen our attachment to indignation! Feeling a bit enlightened ^_^
January 12, 2018
I received Advice Not Given by Mark Epstein for free through Goodreads’ Giveaways program.
Epstein, a psychiatrist and a Buddhist, explains Buddhism’s Eightfold Path within the context of psychotherapy. It’s an interesting idea. Buddhism does say that life is suffering, and when do people usually go to see a psychiatrist? When they are suffering.
I have almost no knowledge of Buddhism, and I think some knowledge would have been helpful. My guess is that this book is for those who have a greater understanding of the religion. That being said, I did learn a bit about the thought process in Buddhism and how that could be applied to psychotherapy.
I thought the book was strongest when Epstein discussed specific patients and how their problems, questions, etc. mixed both Buddhism and psychotherapy.
All in all, this was an interesting read. I think knowledge about Buddhism would be helpful going in.
Epstein, a psychiatrist and a Buddhist, explains Buddhism’s Eightfold Path within the context of psychotherapy. It’s an interesting idea. Buddhism does say that life is suffering, and when do people usually go to see a psychiatrist? When they are suffering.
I have almost no knowledge of Buddhism, and I think some knowledge would have been helpful. My guess is that this book is for those who have a greater understanding of the religion. That being said, I did learn a bit about the thought process in Buddhism and how that could be applied to psychotherapy.
I thought the book was strongest when Epstein discussed specific patients and how their problems, questions, etc. mixed both Buddhism and psychotherapy.
All in all, this was an interesting read. I think knowledge about Buddhism would be helpful going in.
October 12, 2017
Understanding the eight fold path is not easy endeavor, especially when considering enlightenment from a western's perspective.
Mark Epstein uses his past experiences, his practice, and intimate stories to well illustrates full round learning - which includes moments of growth and moments of tripping along the way.
He also reflects on how his career psychiatry parallels with Buddhism; our live may feel like many individual paths but after years they can been seen as all flowing together.
Epstein is able to share eastern wisdom to a western world.
I enjoyed it as a fluid narrative, but one could easily go back and re-read individual chapters to gain momentary insight too.
Mark Epstein uses his past experiences, his practice, and intimate stories to well illustrates full round learning - which includes moments of growth and moments of tripping along the way.
He also reflects on how his career psychiatry parallels with Buddhism; our live may feel like many individual paths but after years they can been seen as all flowing together.
Epstein is able to share eastern wisdom to a western world.
I enjoyed it as a fluid narrative, but one could easily go back and re-read individual chapters to gain momentary insight too.
January 2, 2018
I received this book as a Goodreads giveaway. I really enjoyed it. I have read two of Mark Epstein’s other books and have listened to him on podcasts etc so I was familiar with his background coming into it. I liked how the books focus on the ego was centered around the eightfold path. I always appreciate plenty of examples and interpretations of ancient Buddhist texts especially from someone I respect. I like hearing about DW Winnicot and his theories but don’t necessarily want to read him directly. I recommend this book to anyone who enjoys Buddhist psychology and follows the dharma.
Highlights for me were the chapters on Right Mindfulness and Right Concentration.
Highlights for me were the chapters on Right Mindfulness and Right Concentration.
Read
October 5, 2019Raises a great point I haven't heard in a lot of books on mindfulness--that mindfulness can cause a person to become really unsettled. Mindfulness isn't automatically grounding or peaceful, it can put us in touch with all the kinds of thing we're trying to block. I've experienced this when practicing mindfulness or meditation, walls coming down. As others have pointed out, it's not a panacea for a bad workplace, a loss, etc. It can be too much for a person without other kinds of professional help. I wish I saw this acknowledged more than "Workplace stress? try mindfulness!"
January 3, 2024
Buenos conceptos y prácticas basadas en el budismo para la mente inquieta y el auto juicio. Me hizo reflexionar sobre cómo tendemos a echar culpas para cualquier situación y así calmar nuestro sufrimiento.
August 11, 2018
A nice book, but I found the title a bit misleading.
August 9, 2024
Digestible Buddhist themes. Anyone else found it misogynistic?
August 26, 2023
No truer words:
A friend of mine confided that he tries to stay mindful when eating dinner with his wife, for example, but that this did not seem to lessen the tension between them. I pointed out that he would do better to engage her in conversation rather than hiding behind mindfulness as if it were the newspaper. He saw my point, but it had not occurred to him on his own.
The psychotherapist author uses Buddhism's Noble Eight Fold Path to describe how helpful it can be to get rid of or mute your ego. The ego really is the source of all suffering, and I have struggled for years with my own ego, which really loves trying to tell me how special I am. It's great feeling special, but it sure can make you a fool and a jerk to everyone around you because your ego really thinks you need to be in total control, which just isn't possible and therefore creates stress.
This was my first book by this author, and I don't think I would've gotten into if I were younger. It's fairly subtle. He doesn't hammer you with explanations of how the Eight Fold Path works. In fact, I know no more about it than when I started the book.
But he weaves his views on it with examples from his patients. I enjoyed this. And he sprinkles the book with worthwhile thoughts, such as Past and future preoccupy us because we are trying to control things, while being in the present necessitates openness to the unexpected.
And he really helped make some Buddhist ideas clearer for me, such as why during meditation we sometimes need to linger on suffering longer than we normally would rather than trying to fix or move away from it immediately. By rushing to return to normal, he says, we close ourselves off to understanding our suffering better and thus also the suffering of others.
Suffering is an ineradicable aspect of life. We are human as a result of suffering, not in spite of it.
And I guess I'm wrong about something I said above. He did help me understand the Eight Fold Path better. Right View — step 3 — says to only speak what is true, useful, not harsh and at the right time. As a journalist, I use this as a guide, but also in my interactions in daily life. He says you should also use Right View for your own inner dialogue. Don't speak like a jerk to yourself. Good advice, really good book. Short and easy to read with good ideas.
A friend of mine confided that he tries to stay mindful when eating dinner with his wife, for example, but that this did not seem to lessen the tension between them. I pointed out that he would do better to engage her in conversation rather than hiding behind mindfulness as if it were the newspaper. He saw my point, but it had not occurred to him on his own.
The psychotherapist author uses Buddhism's Noble Eight Fold Path to describe how helpful it can be to get rid of or mute your ego. The ego really is the source of all suffering, and I have struggled for years with my own ego, which really loves trying to tell me how special I am. It's great feeling special, but it sure can make you a fool and a jerk to everyone around you because your ego really thinks you need to be in total control, which just isn't possible and therefore creates stress.
This was my first book by this author, and I don't think I would've gotten into if I were younger. It's fairly subtle. He doesn't hammer you with explanations of how the Eight Fold Path works. In fact, I know no more about it than when I started the book.
But he weaves his views on it with examples from his patients. I enjoyed this. And he sprinkles the book with worthwhile thoughts, such as Past and future preoccupy us because we are trying to control things, while being in the present necessitates openness to the unexpected.
And he really helped make some Buddhist ideas clearer for me, such as why during meditation we sometimes need to linger on suffering longer than we normally would rather than trying to fix or move away from it immediately. By rushing to return to normal, he says, we close ourselves off to understanding our suffering better and thus also the suffering of others.
Suffering is an ineradicable aspect of life. We are human as a result of suffering, not in spite of it.
And I guess I'm wrong about something I said above. He did help me understand the Eight Fold Path better. Right View — step 3 — says to only speak what is true, useful, not harsh and at the right time. As a journalist, I use this as a guide, but also in my interactions in daily life. He says you should also use Right View for your own inner dialogue. Don't speak like a jerk to yourself. Good advice, really good book. Short and easy to read with good ideas.
April 9, 2018
Epstein, a psychiatrist in New York City and a practitioner of Buddhism, presents this "guide" as an explanation of his ongoing understanding of the similarities between these practices and the potential ways one might combine, or merge, or think about them together. As a relative newcomer to therapy (and knowing little about Buddhism), I was intrigued by his ideas, and I found that much of his advice (given and not given) resonated with me--his explanations of the Buddhist Eightfold Path, and his stories, from both his therapeutic and his Buddhist practice, to support them. His writing is sure and clear, and it all felt quite thoughtful--if a bit too focused on his own experience.
Self-help--well, even the concept makes me laugh. (Almost as much as the concept of "self storage". Where are you putting yourself?) What does it even mean? And who wants to admit they're reading self-help books and taking them seriously? While ANG is not really self-help, it's hard not to read or comment on or judge it that way. But...is it a memoir, or a kind of medical exploration, or a defense of a spiritual practice? All, and none, of the above. The title does not help, raising both expectations and hackles with the words "advice" and "guide". My point is, try not to come at this book either loaded for bear or looking for answers. It's not going to change your life, but it is thought-provoking in a good way. Worth a read.
Self-help--well, even the concept makes me laugh. (Almost as much as the concept of "self storage". Where are you putting yourself?) What does it even mean? And who wants to admit they're reading self-help books and taking them seriously? While ANG is not really self-help, it's hard not to read or comment on or judge it that way. But...is it a memoir, or a kind of medical exploration, or a defense of a spiritual practice? All, and none, of the above. The title does not help, raising both expectations and hackles with the words "advice" and "guide". My point is, try not to come at this book either loaded for bear or looking for answers. It's not going to change your life, but it is thought-provoking in a good way. Worth a read.
February 6, 2020
Very easy to follow and simple writing to explain the eightfold path.
I thought the examples the author uses were good to make the points. Also, there is a good explanation of meditation, plus how it is not something that you reach and maintain, we have to deal with impermanence, or as the saying goes, the only constant is change.
Epstein explains the eightfold path in more detail but here I highlighted what grabbed my attention the most.
"Concentration is the secret ingredient of meditation, the backbone of the entire endeavor. It is the simplest, most elementary, most concrete, most practical and most ancient therapeutic technique in Buddhist repertoire"
"Praise and blame, gain and loss, pleasure and sorrow, come and go like the wind. To be happy, rest like a giant tree in the midst of them all"
"Right speech: ask us to pay attention to the space between thought and action and to intervene when the words we want to say have a toxic quality. It ask us to abstain from language that serves no good purpose." this may be a lot easier said than done... but i guess could have positive outcome if you achieve it. It's like conscious speaking!
"Letting go even when you know you are right" some wisdom here!
I thought the examples the author uses were good to make the points. Also, there is a good explanation of meditation, plus how it is not something that you reach and maintain, we have to deal with impermanence, or as the saying goes, the only constant is change.
Epstein explains the eightfold path in more detail but here I highlighted what grabbed my attention the most.
"Concentration is the secret ingredient of meditation, the backbone of the entire endeavor. It is the simplest, most elementary, most concrete, most practical and most ancient therapeutic technique in Buddhist repertoire"
"Praise and blame, gain and loss, pleasure and sorrow, come and go like the wind. To be happy, rest like a giant tree in the midst of them all"
"Right speech: ask us to pay attention to the space between thought and action and to intervene when the words we want to say have a toxic quality. It ask us to abstain from language that serves no good purpose." this may be a lot easier said than done... but i guess could have positive outcome if you achieve it. It's like conscious speaking!
"Letting go even when you know you are right" some wisdom here!
November 11, 2025
80/100. I love Mark Epstein and his blend of psychotherapy and Buddhism. Books like this really leave me feeling so calm and contemplative.
Advice Not Given feels calm, honest, and quietly eye-opening. Epstein doesn’t preach or push; he just shows how the Eightfold Path can help you understand your mind a little better. Some ideas lean abstract, but the reflections are gentle and deeply humane. It’s not a “how-to” book so much as a calming companion. Even in its quieter moments, it leaves you with a sense of steadiness and a few insights that linger long after. Simple, reflective, and grounding.
Notable Lines (Paraphrased Concepts):
- Great for Goodreads if you want snappy, idea-based highlights:
- We suffer most when we cling to the idea that life should be different from what it is.
- Awareness isn’t self-improvement; it’s self-understanding.
- Freedom begins the moment you stop fighting your own mind.
- You can’t think your way out of pain, but you can learn to relate to it differently.
- The goal isn’t to eliminate desire, but to recognize when it’s steering your life.
- Compassion starts with being willing to sit with discomfort.
- Letting go is an internal shift, not an external action.
Advice Not Given feels calm, honest, and quietly eye-opening. Epstein doesn’t preach or push; he just shows how the Eightfold Path can help you understand your mind a little better. Some ideas lean abstract, but the reflections are gentle and deeply humane. It’s not a “how-to” book so much as a calming companion. Even in its quieter moments, it leaves you with a sense of steadiness and a few insights that linger long after. Simple, reflective, and grounding.
Notable Lines (Paraphrased Concepts):
- Great for Goodreads if you want snappy, idea-based highlights:
- We suffer most when we cling to the idea that life should be different from what it is.
- Awareness isn’t self-improvement; it’s self-understanding.
- Freedom begins the moment you stop fighting your own mind.
- You can’t think your way out of pain, but you can learn to relate to it differently.
- The goal isn’t to eliminate desire, but to recognize when it’s steering your life.
- Compassion starts with being willing to sit with discomfort.
- Letting go is an internal shift, not an external action.
May 29, 2018
I always enjoy Mark Epstein, and this is one of the best books about Buddhism I've read -and I read many! I do think the subtitle is misleading: the book, like Mark's typical approach, is so much more thoughtful than "getting over yourself" implies. It's much better put on one of the final pages of the book: "Buddhism is all about releasing oneself from the unnecessary constraints of the ego. Every aspect of the Eightfold Path is a counterweight to selfish preoccupation." The book walks us through just that: each of the elements of the Eightfold Path is given a chapter's worth of explanation and exploration, into which anecdotes from both the canon of Buddhist tales and examples from Epstein's professional practice as a psychiatrist are woven. It's an entirely thoughtful, approachable, and helpful book -one I could imagine returning to again.
October 8, 2020
Sepertinya buku ini agak layak disebut dengan buku crash-course buddhism & psychoteraphy. Buku yang saat dibaca punya efek menenangkan entah kenapa. Buku ini memberikan pemahaman soal ego dan pemahaman pikiran dengan dua sudut pandang, yaitu budha dan psikoterapi. Saya ndak tau ya, meski buku ini benar-benar menganut pandangan suatu agama, saya rasa senang-senang saja sih menemukan sudut pandang yang bikin menenagkan hati.
Fun fact: saya menjadi sadar kenapa saya butuh sholat dan butuh bermunajat pada Allah-Tuhan saya, yang direfleksikan sebagai meditasi dalam paham agama Budha ---meski dalam penerapannya tentu saja jauh berbeda---
Fun fact: saya menjadi sadar kenapa saya butuh sholat dan butuh bermunajat pada Allah-Tuhan saya, yang direfleksikan sebagai meditasi dalam paham agama Budha ---meski dalam penerapannya tentu saja jauh berbeda---
June 22, 2021
Alveg frábær – mjög næs og hraðlesin – góð ráð gefin og ekki gefin. Snyrtilega þræddur búddismi og sálgreining - þótt ég hafi eins og flestir vita dálitla óbeit á hinu síðarnefnda. Mér finnst hún bærileg í hófi.
October 10, 2025
just go read actual buddhism. the dhammapada, Shōbōgenzō, or something from DT suzuki. the buddha’s original teachings have been around for 2,500 years, they’re air tight. you’re just waisting your time with new age nonsense like this
July 3, 2018
three and a half... there were a few too many specific examples of his patients that made it hard to apply outside of those situations. It felt like part memoir and the rest a light psychology text with some Buddhst parables. I guess I was expecting more explicit Buddhism. did give me a lot to think about though - he comes across as a kind and smart person, maybe just not the most compelling writer.
March 10, 2021
Very helpful how he uses the Buddhist Eight Fold Paths and psychiatry to help his patience and himself. I especially liked the many ways to manage our ego to our advantage.
August 12, 2023
Book was solid.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 277 reviews