Is Winona Ryder Still with the Dude from Soul Asylum? and Other LURID Tales of TERROR and DOOM!!!

by Douglas Hackle

To entertain its new neighbors, a kind puppet puts Chicken McNuggets into tiny coffins and buries them in its yard. A famous pest control man is diagnosed with the “In the Air Tonight” disease, an incurable sickness that slowly turns its sufferers into the rapist referenced in Phil Collins’ hit song “In the Air Tonight.” Having just escaped TERROR TOWN, a man is opened up like a can of sardines by a can of sardines. The supposedly debunked but very real ghost caught on camera in the movie Three Men and a Baby exacts revenge on humanity for not believing in him. Though Courtney Cute is indeed the cutest child in the world, her evil doll and batshit-insane grandfather are anything but. A Ouija board grows bored of being a Ouija board. Two passengers (one human, one evil scarecrow) aboard the sinking RMS Titanic refuse to abandon ship because they’re too busy watching the blockbuster film Titanic on the actual Titanic…

These and many more ABSURDITIES await in Is Winona Ryder Still with the Dude from Soul Asylum? and Other LURID Tales of TERROR and DOOM!!!, the second collection of bizarro-whacko-absurdo short fiction from Douglas Hackle.

“Hackle may be the best absurdist story writer working today.” –Bradley Sands, author of Dodgeball High

“Hackle combines an English major's love of literature and respect for the written word with a twelve year old's penchant for dark, dirty, demented imaginings and the crassest of crass, sick/twisted humor.” –Arthur Graham, author of Tanuki Tango Overdrive

Genres: Bizarro Fiction, Humor, Short Stories

Unknown Binding

First published June 1, 2017

About the author

Many moons ago, I abandoned academia after receiving a degree in English Literature. Nowadays, I write fiction when I'm not toiling away as a copywriter/copyeditor in the healthcare space.

Here are some nice things people have said about my work:

“Douglas Hackle is one of the best writers of bizarre, absurdist work out there.” – Charles Austin Muir

"The best bizarro absurdist in the business.” – Amy M. Vaughn

“He's consistently delivered some of the weirdest, wildest, most well-written fiction I've ever read.” – Arthur Graham

“The head honcho of the absurd, the governor of wackiness, the top dog of insanity…Intelligent and imbecilic, Douglas Hackle is one of the most unique voices in bizarro fiction.” – Zoltán Komor

“…a master of the short story.” – Rodney Gardner

“Hackle is a laugh-out-loud genius.” – Donald Armfield

“…one of bizarro fiction’s sharpest satirists.” – Bizarro Central

“…always hilarious, horrific, and brilliantly written entertainment. Highly recommended!” – Brian Boyer

“Douglas Hackle is an evil genius.” – Kevin J. Kennedy

“My mind is blown. Literally. It needs a new fuse…I have never read anything like this.” - Nikki Howard on Clown Tear Junkies

“When it comes to Mr. Hackle, you don’t have a shot in hell of predicting what’s going to happen, even if he’s just told you. […] You can’t know where the story will take you, what the characters will do and say, how it’s all going to shake down in the end, even one page before that end.” – Melodie Ladner

“Hackle isn’t afraid to get you clutching your seat with fear only to have you giggling in the next sentence, and vice versa.”– Ben Walker at Kendall Reviews

“Batshit craziness! […] I honestly think that if you’ve never read a bizarro book, this might be the one you should grab.” – Livius Nedin (former host of the Booked. podcast) on TERROR MANNEQUIN

“… Zoltergeist the Poltergeist is an absolutely superb piece of Bizarro horror – and as a result, a novel that should be considered an exemplar for the rest of the genre to follow and attempt to best.” – The Sci-Fi and Fantasy Reviewer

“This book is an absurdist masterclass, and it may be that the whole problem with the world is that there isn't enough of this kind of thing in it […] Did War and Peace or Crime and Punishment change my life? I don't really think so, to be honest; maybe slightly? Did this book change my life? I shit you not, it kind of did, actually.” – Dirk Wartman on Is Winona Ryder Still with the Dude from Soul Asylum? and Other LURID Tales of TERROR and DOOM!!!’

Reviews

[karen · Rating 4 out of 5]

it took me almost a year to review this -i got it into my head that i wanted to do an illustrated review for this collection, since i’d already sortof done that for The Hottest Gay Man Ever Killed in a Shark Attack, but i never seemed to have time to make it happen. but thank god for cancer, right? thanks to post-op recovery time, which brings you this long-postponed "review," in which words are replaced by pictures. here are some things that happen in each of the stories in this collection, drawn by a mediocre artist:

The Two Times I Was a Mean Man



Tokens



The Powell/Fourth Dog Incident



The Ghost, the Boulder, and the Glaive



TERROR SARDINES in TERROR SAUCE



Not That It Matters, but the War of 1812 Was Kinda Hawt



The Unpursued Person



I Won the MegaSuperLotto*



A Small Owl with a Broken Wing (from Compton)



Is Winona Ryder Still with the Dude from Soul Asylum?



The Many Bad Habits of My Main Man, Klin-Klat, A.K.A. the Tap Dance Kid



This Puppet Puts the “P” in “Puppet”



Got Me a Date with an Uptown Girl



The Case of the Already-Solved Case



Flawless Face®



The Bored Ouija Board



TERROR THING



All Superhero Movies and Shows Are Fucking Boring, Zombies Are Lame, Cthulhu Is Stupid, and Everything Is Fucked



Our Hearts Will Go On, Yo




THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END THE END

* this one is a cheat. there was nothing in this story that i could draw. and considering that i managed to find a way to draw the drum fill from In the Air Tonight, that's saying something. instead, i drew "a dried-out white dog turd," which, while it is not something mentioned in this particular story, is mentioned in a LOT of them, so many in fact that i had originally planned on drawing a dried-out white dog turd in all of the pictures, hidden like a Highlights Magazine page. but i didn't. or did i? have fun figuring it out, suckas!

come to my blog!

[Janie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Meta meta ... whuuut?  Did the author really bang out the last paragraphs of this book with his elbows and forehead?  No matter.  This book contains a scientific, mathematical proof of the impossible.  And check this out - Chuck E Cheese has a game called After You Kill Me and Bury Me in the Woods, Please Don't Dig Up My Body a Year Later and Poke It with a Stick!  I heard two token guys disappeared there.  Poof.  They ceased to exist.  If you find their bodies next year, you should probably not poke them with sticks.  Uh-oh, the anvils are lurking.

This collection made me laugh a lot, even the TOC.  Two titles for your perusal:  This Puppet Puts the "P" in "Puppet."  Our Hearts Will Go On, Yo.  HA!!!!  If that's not enough to tempt you, check out the TERROR SARDINES.  These dead fishies are ruthless.  Slave sardines seem nice until you catch them gutting your back and stealing your mama.  How big is your lunchbox?  It's kinda hawt.  Now roar like a beast, shake your booty and scream: CREEEECRAWWWWW! Then listen to Ratt's "Round and Round" and NWA's "Fuck the Police" simultaneously. 

One last thing. The meatface disease is nothing to laugh at.  Now, can I please get an answer here?  Is Douglas Hackle, Licensed Private Investigator, still alive?  And who is Parcheezy?

Many thanks to Mr. Hacksta for this ARC, for which I have provided an honest review.  Amiright?

[Arthur Graham · Rating 5 out of 5]

Welp folks, with over half a year left to go, I'm tellin' ya RIGHT NOW that IWRSwtDfSA?aOLToTaD!!! is most likely the best book I will read in 2017, or perhaps the rest of my life, or perhaps until THE END OF MUTHAFUCKIN' LIFE ITSELF, and I plan on reading MANY MORE books before the new year/my inevitable demise/the heat death of the universe is finally upon us, my tiny little poppets and poppettes...

Slowly working my way through this collection of short stories, I was pleasantly reminded of Hackle's last such collection, Clown Tear Junkies, which I had the honor of editing what feels like AGES ago already. Only now -- while there remain many familiar themes, obsessions, and narrative devices old fans will instantly recognize and love -- the writing feels more refined this time around, while also less restrained to boot. Nah, this ain't the Douglas Hackle you might remember from his no-name, piddly-ass Rooster Republic years, y'all -- this is a full-fledged ass-nabbin', puppet-packin', hospice-flashin' MAESTRO of absurd fiction we've got on our hands here, yo!

Hackle combines an English major's love of literature and respect for the written word with a twelve year old's penchant for dark, dirty, demented imaginings and the most crassest of crass, sick/twisted humor. In short, his work somehow manages to encompass what most would consider opposite, irreconcilable extremes, flying in the face of every stuffy-assed, Infinite-Jest-quotin' MFA grad and every pimple-faced, McSpazzatron McSpazzpants to ever walk this green, godforsaken Earth.

Basically, you should probably read his latest book. Or, should you happen to disagree, YOU CAN GO SUCK A COCKROACH'S BIG, BLUE, SWEET, SPIKED, SWINGLY-SWANGLY PUPPET-ASS DICK!!!

[Rebecca Gransden · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have mixed feelings about this book. Being in a coma for the last nine months and suddenly waking to a world so drastically changed has its ups and downs. Soon after I closed my eyes back in March I realised that I couldn’t open them back up again. Just like in the movies I could hear everything going on around me, I could smell the smells, and when my eyelids were pulled open by someone checking my responses, I could blearily (mostly because I wasn’t wearing my glasses) see them.

I discovered that people want to help people in a coma. They mostly do this by playing them songs they think have a special significance to the comatose person. If you are a lucky comatose person, you will have people in your life who know what music moves you, and maybe they will even get in touch with Dave Grohl, who will record a special version of your favourite song, adding a gently amusing and heartfelt message and he might even adapt the lyrics to fit the situation. For some of us however, being comatose is a time to discover that our well meaning family and/or friends have never really taken notice of our interests, and the best they can do is remember the one time you were dragged reluctantly into a karaoke session and forced to sing a track you hate but were too polite/drunk to tell them just how much. This unfortunately can lead to a situation where “Somebody That I Used to Know” by Gotye is your coma song.

If wildly screaming inwardly as the Gotye track is played on a loop couldn’t force my body to break the coma’s hold on me, I despaired that anything could. Eventually there was general consensus on the ineffectiveness of Gotye thankfully, and a new tactic was searched for. After several restful post-Gotye days, in walked the footsteps of someone I didn’t recognise. The person pulled a chair up next to the bed. Next thing I knew they started reading, or reciting from memory, I couldn’t tell which, the first story in the collection of stories, that can loosely be categorised as bizarro but who knows what they are really, titled Is Winona Ryder Still with the Dude from Soul Asylum? and Other LURID Tales of TERROR and DOOM!!! by author Douglas Hackle. A beautiful American woman’s voice told me the tales, tales so funny it was painful for me, my insides unable to experience the release of the laughter I so needed to laugh.

After completing the whole collection—a collection filled with just the right amount of meta to avoid being annoying, stories chocka with references just the right side of annoying, and humour that deals with stupidity with just the right amount of sharpness to avoid being annoying—the owner of the wonderful female voice flipped the pages right back to the beginning and started the whole book again. Ordinarily, I would’ve been thrilled. The lady reader did have a lovely voice, and the book would be fun to return to in almost every other circumstance. However, being comatose and internally imploding because a laugh has nowhere to go is not a pleasant place to be. Hour after hour the laugh pressure grew. Until finally

I woke up.

Before me sat a man, one I didn’t recognise. For a moment he sat dumbfounded, as I’d woken by springing up from my pillow in a quite melodramatic way. Eventually he called for a nurse, his voice that which had read me the book. I blinked and listened, realising I recognised the voice. His voice had been dubbed by the dubbed voice provided by Lindsay Crouse for Lysette Anthony playing the role of Princess Lyssa in the film Krull.

I still wonder who that man might be. Whoever he is, he brought me back to this hellscape called 2020, to which I owe him many thanks and an accusation of emotional damage, which I am willing to settle out of court.

[Danger · Rating 5 out of 5]

There’s surrealists, there’s absurdists, and then there’s Douglas Hackle, a writer who is in a category all his own. In this, his second collection of short fiction, he continues exploring the boundaries of what could even be considered fiction, stories so unpredictably bizarre that even as someone who has read ALL his work before, I was still shocked and delighted. In fact, I think there’s a certain refinement here, the stories are a little longer than the last collection, which not only lets the worlds grow stranger, but it leaves room for the (occasional) emotional catharsis. In fact, a few of them are existential and downright profound. But I feel like that is just a byproduct of breaking narrative bounds. The focus here, as it should be, is on the ride. The twists and turns. The humor. IWRSWtDfSA?AOLToTaD!!! is very very funny!

There’s a certain segment of readers who will certainly not “get” this. Which is fine. I guess. But for those of us who connect to this kind of wild prose, you’re not going to be disappointed.

[India · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wasn't sure it could get much better than Clown Tear Junkies, but these stories were even funnier and more creative. Always a pleasure reading Douglas Hackle.. even if this book was filled with creepy puppets.

[Jason · Rating 4 out of 5]

Man! I have no idea how to review this book, have you ever read a book and you think you know how the story is gonna play out and then it does in fact play out just how you thought it would play out? Well this book is a bit like that, it's pretty obvious how it is going to end, unfortunately Douglas Hackle doesn't end each story like it should (I would say he gets it all wrong). In fact if you do correctly guess one of the endings, or even somehow get in the ball park area then please at your earliest convenience submit yourself to your local lunatic asylum for a good old check up.

This book contains more puppets than any other book, poppits and foo faps, and many more blockbuster stores than ever existed. The stories are entertaining, probably the best absurd fiction since the bible.

For me though there were too many stories, part of the absurdness is the repetition and for me the book hiccupped a bit, a couple of times I started to become dulled to the experience. Still it was a fun read, even telling people the name of the book you are reading is fun.

Whilst reading this I did come up with a conspiracy theory about Douglas Hackle and this book...for some reason I now can't remember it, it was literally only 5min ago that I discovered it and yet now it is gone....Is that a conspiracy too?

[Rodney · Rating 4 out of 5]

IS WINONA RYDER STILL WITH THE DUDE FROM SOUL ASYLUM? AND OTHER LURID TALES OF TERROR AND DOOM!!! is better than a bucket full of cornflower-blue cockroach genitalia and white dogshit. This is absurdity laced with more irony, pop culture references and wit than you can poke with a stick. After a few less than pleasant experiences with books of the silly nature lately, it was great to have one nail it. Way beyond weird, more like batshit crazy, these tales defy all logic and leave you feeling like you have just gotten off the craziest sideshow ride of your life. The author knows how to keep it going without losing the reader. As soon as you begin to feel comfortable with what is happening in these pieces, things are pushed into places that make you wonder just how sane Hackle really is. That reckless abandon is just one of many things that make this stand out.

[Frank · Rating 5 out of 5]

Bizarro perfection achieved! IS WINONA RYDER STILL WITH THE DUDE FROM yadda yadda yadda is a masterpiece of bizarre and absurdist short form fiction. Collectively, these stories represent my perfect vision of bizarro fiction. As a long time reader of Douglas Hackle's work, it is clear this is a culmination of everything he has written to this point and he brings it all together to preform his Magnum Opus to which he's the muthafuckin' Richard Dreyfuss!

This is the second Hackle book I've read this year and neither disappointed. I really enjoyed reading Hackle work in long form with THE HOTTEST GAY MAN yadda yadda yadda but after reading IS WINONA RYDER STILL WITH THAT DUDE FROM yadda yadda yadda there can be no doubt that he simply basks in the short story format. The shining star of The Hackle Trope, his ability to make anything a sentient character in a story is brought to a crescendo in this collection. If he is able to find a new concept in inventing an obscure sentient being after this I will be floored.

While I absolutely love Hackle's style of absurd storytelling, I don't know that its for everyone. I love it so much I can't imagine how anyone couldn't read this without cracking a giant delighted smile. So what I'm saying is if you enjoy Hackle you're going to love yadda yadda yadda. And if you've never read Douglas Hackle, start here. But maybe, start at Clown Tear Junkies. There is a sort of weird mythos that exists throughout all of Hackle's work but I think it can work in reverse too. Just read Douglas Muthafuckin' Original G Hackle.

I just want to know when Brofessor Hackle is going to start offering classes on how to flip tables and whittle TERROR PUPPETS and give us smooth pickup lines on how to get with that chick from Heathers if she's not actually with that guy from yadda yadda yadda.

[Heidi Ward · Rating 4 out of 5]

Silly, silly, laugh-out-loud silly. Also pretty gross at times. If your sense of humor leans absurd, you'll probably dig this collection. As a bonus, "The Unpursued Person," is a tale whose unsettling premise transcends its satirical style. Also, Liggotti would be proud to have this many creepy-ass puppets in one collection. 3.5 stars

[John Gibbons · Rating 5 out of 5]

Pretty solid collection of weird humorous tales. My favorite stories were "The Powell/4th Dog Incident" and "Our Hearts Will Go On, Yo". Can't wait to see what Hackle does next.

[Jeff O'Brien · Rating 5 out of 5]

When it comes to writing absurdity, I do believe Mr. Hackle is the guy. Like, he is to absurd writing what Sigfried and Roy are to doing magic with white tigers. I was at no point unamused with this here book. The story about the ghost from Three Men and Baby might be this book’s pinnacle. Just read it. If you disagree you’re a ninny pants.

[David · Rating 4 out of 5]

Hackle writes hysterical stories. Fun, inventive, and wild, there's great stuff in here. There's never a dull moment and I enjoyed myself from beginning to end.

[Melly · Rating 5 out of 5]

After I'd read a few of the stories in this collection, I started anticipating the reappearance of the dried-up white dog shit. It wouldn't be fair to call it a unifying theme, but it did tie the stories together somehow. Kind of like the cat in Stephen King's Cat's Eye, except that this book is wonderful, and Stephen King's Cat's Eye sucked the big one. (Also I'm pretty sure that the cat was mistreated on set..? But that was 1985. One way or another, he must be at peace by now.)

Mr. Hackle's new book is silly and gross and weird, and larded with rando pop culture references of yesterday and today--right up my street. He's a smart, whimsical and adventurous writer whose stories always surprised me, but never in a cheap, hacky way, you know, it felt effortless, every time.

I'm not humourless by any means, but it's crazy, crazy rare for me to actually laugh at anything, or even crack a smile, and I laughed so much reading this that it started to worry me a bit--not like medically, okay, but because I was reading it at work, surrounded by straitlaced, conservative people, and like I say, I rarely laugh. Somebody was going to ask me what was up, if I wasn't careful, and for all I knew it might've been right when the ghost from Three Men and a Baby explained that he'd blown his head off with a shotgun because they never made a sequel to Krull.

I just really really enjoyed it, okay. It was the cure for what ailed me. I especially liked "The Powell/Fourth Dog Incident." Hand to god, it's in my Top Five Funniest Stories Ever Experienced By Me in Any Medium. I plan to seek out the rest of Mr. Hackle's work at my earliest convenience.

[Charles · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this collection of stories. They are very weird, very meta, and delivery absurdity with an attention to language in a way I've never seen before. Sometimes (presumably) random key strokes take over the narrative. In one story, my top favorite moment in the whole book, a character who appears who is the drum fill from a Phil Collins song. In another, a character is the boulder from the first Indiana Jones movie. I admit the humor may not be for everyone, but if you enjoy bad jokes, puns and Gen X references you'll find plenty to like in this book. It's not for the squeamish, I might add, not because it's gory but at times the stories take a dark turn. It left me wanting to read more.

[Donald Armfield · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hackle is a laugh-out-loud genius, taking chainsaws to whatever’s possible all with as much TERROR & DOOM! You can pack into a collection of overtop humor. Need a smile then let Douglas Hackle smack one right across your face.
My top favorites in this collection are
-The Powell/Fourth Dog Incident
-The Bored Quija Board
-Terror Thing

[Dutchess · Rating 5 out of 5]

Douglas seems to have a strange fixation on sentient movie props, physical manifestations of historical events (the War of 1812 in particular), physical incarnations of abstractions, white dog turds, blue dicks, and puppets. Every story is absurd, some of the most ridiculous shit I've ever read—and I've read some weird shit. But then Douglas will end a weird story with an even weirder sentence, such as this:

"I smiled and frowned at the exact same time, blinked away boiling hot, chimpanzee-semen tears from my crispy tater tot eyes, and took a big bite out of a Rubik’s cube that I'd brought along for a snack."

I don't want to say too much about any of the stories, because some of the fun is the unpredictability of what's going to happen, something that's difficult to find after reading so many books over the years. Never have I read a collection wherein the author occasionally ends their stories by randomly bashing their head and elbows on the keyboard—until now.

[Dirk Wartman · Rating 5 out of 5]

Groucho Marx had a famous put-down which I always imagined being used on pretentious writers at New York cocktail parties: "From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."

I actually was convulsed with laughter from the moment I (virtually) picked up this story collection, but that was because it has the funniest book title I've ever seen. Then I continued to be convulsed as I read it on the bus to and from work all last week, from the opening lines of the first story, 'The Two Times I Was a Mean Man', right on through the whole damn thing.

Regrettably, I've taken literature pretty seriously most of my life - did a degree and then a Masters degree in English and philosophy, read all the big heavy classics from Homer's Odyssey to War and Peace and Ulysses, and tried myself to write SERIOUS novels and shit. I've tried to read a lot of "comic literature" as well - the supposedly funny ones, from Shakespeare's "comedies" (nah) to Jerome K. Jerome (ehhh, well...) and P.G. Wodehouse (okay). But none of them were really actually FUNNY, as in belly-laugh, guffaw-on-the-bus-and-look-like-you're-on-day-release, lie-there-sniggering-about-it-after-waking-up-at-3am-for-a-middleaged-man's-piss funny.

'Is Winona Ryder Still With The Dude From Soul Asylum?', however, really made me LAUGH. I'm not sure if Douglas Hackle just has a very similar sense of humour to the one I've been suppressing since my teenage years, or whether he is just a genius. It's probably both. This book is an absurdist masterclass, and it may be that the whole problem with the world is that there isn't enough of this kind of thing in it. The stories are witty, crass, sophisticated, preposterous, clever, literate, daft, and completely unpredictable - there would probably be enough play of language and ideas in there for someone to write a PhD on it if they were so inclined (though if they did, they would deserve to have a Douglas Hackle story written about them).

Of the collection, 'The Two Times I Was a Mean Man', 'Terror Sardines in Terror Sauce', 'The Ghost, The Boulder and The Glaive', and the title story 'Is Winona Ryder Still With The Dude From Soul Asylum?' are top class....I started laughing before I even started reading them, having no idea where it might go. As I write this, I still have a few stories left to go, but the titles are making me laugh already ('The Case of the Already-Solved Case' and 'All Superhero Movies And Shows Are Fucking Boring, Zombies Are Lame, Cthulhu Is Stupid, and Everything Is Fucked', for example....in that last one, the fact that the author added 'And Shows' makes it even funnier).

Did War and Peace or Crime and Punishment change my life? I don't really think so, to be honest; maybe slightly?

Did this book change my life? I shit you not, it kind of did, actually.

Up next: Clown Tear Junkies!

[G. Brown · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really liked Hackle's first collection, Clown Tear Junkies. It may have some of my all time favorite bizarro-absurdist stories in it. However, Is Winona Ryder Still with the Dude from Soul Asylum? and Other Lurid Tales of Terror and Doom!!! transcends that one on every front.

Every front. Eastern. Western. North Africa campaign--ALL FRONTS.

The book, like the title, is couched in the kind of humor and references that come from growing up a late Gen X-er, and that's who the humor is primarily targeted toward. Many of us in that age group recall the starlet Winona Ryder and the dude from Soul Asylum (who it may behoove us at some point to remember is named Dave Pirner) hooking up in the 90s. Then we got older, stopped caring as much (or at all) about celebrity gossip and are currently clueless as to whether they are still even a couple. I mean, Ryder is back on Stranger Things, so who knows what ever became of Pirner. Much like our cluelessness about this one-time power couple, the characters in this book are often just as clueless, though not always about the same things as the reader.

So there's quite a bit of 80s and 90s nostalgia soaking the pages, as could be expected, like the thoroughly apocryphal mythology surrounding Phil Collins' hit "In the Air Tonight" or the story behind the "ghost" seen in Three Men and a Baby. Hackle has a knack for picking up on all the urban myth and unsubstantiated conspiracy-rumor of his generation. But Hackle also has a knack for picking out absurd modernisms from all throughout the Internet Age, so the youngsters (those under 35) may find some comfortable hand-holds along the way. But really, there's a lot of "you had to be there" moments here, so if you aren't circa 40 years old, you may find this somewhat alienating, which may add to the overall absurdity, but won't make it hit home as hard as it did for me personally. If you didn't use tokens at an arcade, and you haven't seen Krull twenty times on TV, and didn't hear Uptown Girl a million times in elementary school, then you, sir or madame, are not me.

In terms of style, the rough-edged journeyman of Clown Tear Junkies is with us no more. These stories are far more polished, far more nuanced, and perfectly targeted, even while combining several absurd premises into one. The random experimentalism has been replaced with deliberate and scalpel-sharp attacks on the psyche. The stories are all still, for the most part, FUN to read, he hasn't lost that, but they are also resonant on a deeper emotional level that makes me more inclined to raise his Surreal level as high as his Absurd. This time when he mashes keys to end a story with a (seemingly) random series of characters, he's definitely doing it to signify he's already accomplished his story goal, instead of merely not being able to think of an ending. Most of these stories are laugh-out-loud funny and yet the most powerful ones are also troubling, haunting, and existentially threatening, like a megadose of Kafka fell into your bowl of Lucky Kharms®. There's the horror of not knowing one's place in the universe, and the horror of the bureaucracy that goes into planning a really special birthday surprise and the clean-up thereafter. There's the horror of becoming someone other than who you thought you were, and the horror of realizing the author has seen Amadeus too many times. There's the horror of being perpetually pursued, and the horror of becoming the pursuer. Really sophisticated, and yet still silly.

Hackle breaks new ground for himself here. "Our Hearts Will Go On, Yo" begins as the most ridiculous of Titanic-spoof premises and winds up a very compelling story of bonding while watching James Cameron's Titanic with an evil scarecrow. "The Two Times I Was a Mean Man" shows Hackle's skill at both repeating a gag without making it boring and constantly redirecting his narrative in unexpected ways, which would challenge even the most skillful guys and gals of capital L Literature. "All Superhero Movies and Shows Are Fucking Boring, Zombies Are Lame, Cthulhu is Stupid, and Everything is Fucked" presents its title thesis very subversively--not one of the things listed is actually directly stated, but instead Hackle presents a story that is the very antithesis of modern "genre," while at the same time poking fun at the postmodern (i.e. everything is fucked, indeed). And "The Unpursued Person" is bordering on being a Brian Evenson story, a full exploration of social illusion, paranoia, violence, and the primal urge to fill societal roles with no clear purpose. My personal favorite, though, is "Not That It Matters, But the War of 1812 Was Kinda Hawt." Just so many delicious absurdities to this one and they all pair nicely.

Full disclosure, I originally published three of these stories: "I Won the MegaSuperLotto" at The Strange Edge Blog, "The Case of the Already-Solved Case" at Bizarro Central, and "The Powell/Fourth Dog Incident" in The Strange Edge Magazine, Issue 0. Those are three solid stories (the first two are flash fiction pieces), but they're not even the highlights of this collection. Though, Powell may continue to haunt you with refrains of "Would you mind telling me this story again, Mr. Hackle?" But by that point, Hackle has already transformed, no longer the Hackle who told you the story in the first place.

BUY THIS BOOK NOW!!!

[Kevin Sweeney · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the second book of Douglas Hackle's that I have read (after his debut novel THE HOTTEST GAY MAN EVER KILLED IN A SHARK ATTACK) and it's confirmed me as a fan. These short stories are a non-stop onslaught of bizarro fiction, dancing back and forth between literary nonsense, absurdism, and the utterly irreal. My personal stand out tales are "The Two Times I Was a Mean Man" and "The Powell/Fourth Dog Incident". Great stuff.

[Mark Allen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Douglas Hackle is the Worst Kind of Predator


The title of this review might sound incendiary, but it is true. And it isn’t anything sexual or weird, neither is it because he hunted my family through the Amazon Jungle and skinned them alive (even though he totally did that.) The reason I I say that “Douglas Hackle is the Worst Kind of Predator” is that he was the Predator with the mullet. And not only that it was the mullet that differentiated him as the leader of the other predators. I mean, come on, this is 2018—mullets aren’t even retro cool.
I don’t even know why or how my family ended up in that jungle. One moment we were all enjoying Andy’s Frozen Custard in our Subaru Hatchetwound and the next thing you know I’m in bed alone and they are fighting for their lives in the sweltering rain forests of the Amazon Basin. Was it some sort of Predator shaman magic? I’ve honestly never seen any of those movies so I don’t quite know how any of them go.
From what I’ve heard none of my family members lasted very long, even under the protection of seasoned mercenaries led by Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. And in the end it was just Hackle and “The Rock” trading quippy one liners and making out while engaged in mortal kombat. According to their FB pages they are still in a relationship, but “it’s complicated”. I just wish Hackle would stop being the Predator with the mullet, because that’s even worse than the Predalian (or Predator Xenopmorph Hybrid).
Oh, Is Winona Ryder Still with the Dude from Soul Asylum? and Other LURID Tales of TERROR and DOOM!!! was a pretty good book. There were a few times where Hackle anthropomorphized things or concepts that you wouldn’t normally think could be anthropomorphized and that really took me out of the book. I was like, “that guy’s arm can’t REALLY be a hospice ward, can it?” And that suspended my belief right there. And then there was the time that a guy turned out to be the famous and infectious drum fill from that Phil Collins masterpiece “In the Air Tonight”. I read that, thought “maybe none of this is really true,” and ran to my computing machine to write this review. But, other than that the book was top notch even though he slaughtered my family like livestock in the jungle.

[J. Peter W. · Rating 4 out of 5]

5 places to hide a chilli cheese hotdog

5. This is my first time reading Hackle but it certainly won't be my last.

4. This collection is a great mix of straight up absurd and down right hilarious.

3. Its equal parts immature babble and literary genius.

2. My favorites of the collection are Tokens, This Puppet Puts the "P" in "Puppet", Got Me a Date with an Uptown Girl, and All Superhero Movies and Shows Are Fucking Boring...

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[Ira Rat · Rating 4 out of 5]

There's a fine line between intellectual screwball absurdist humor, and a complete mess that nobody ever wants to read because it's just too over the top. While Douglas Hackle rides that line, he never wavers into the later category. The collection of stories is unique and brings a lot of interesting and obscure ideas to the forefront. I would recommend this to anybody who's into Bizarro fiction, though maybe not for people dipping their toes in, because it's a bit of the deep end of the swimming pool.

[Michael · Rating 5 out of 5]

As you read Hackel's latest short story collection you'll start to wonder if the guy is totally insane. It makes sense as you read stories about puppets who create mass graves for chicken nuggets, a man with Meatface disease, and other tales that aren't exactly horror unless you happen to be the character in the story. Hackel has a knack for writing weird, absurb fiction that makes you giggle despite the fact that most of these stories don't make any sense. This is a guy who happens to piece together stories with reckless abandon, but where do these ideas come from? Seriously? Is the guy drunk when he writes? The thing is, that's what makes these so good. These are stories that defy logic, and chuck all the rules of literature out the window. To review each and every story here would take way too much effort, and I don't want to bore you. The beauty of this collection is getting sucked into Hackel's vortex of insanity. Once you start start reading this collection you can't stop.

When I look back at what got me into bizarro fiction, it was books just like this. It's weird, absurb, and yes, even surreal, You don't need vagina monsters to create bizarro. You just need random ideas that are funny as hell, or cringeworthy. That's exactly what this is. It's a collection of stories that may not make sense in the normal world of fiction, but Hackle doesn't write normal fiction. I don't think it's possible. What Hackle does is make us question his sanity. What is his obsession with dried white dog turds and the movie Krull? Is Wynonna Ryder Still Dating That Dude From Soul Asylum reminds us of how great bizarro fiction was. As a whole this is a collection that seems weird on the surface, but then you look at it deeper and realize there's something else going on. This is a guy who's probably insane, and drunk. What kind of voices does he hear as he's writing? I bet he's listening to Ratt's Round And Round on repeat and then later, making tiny coffins for chicken nuggets.

Heres' the deal. If you like you're fiction weird plus totally insane, this is one you have to read, It's a great collection of stories from the mind of someone who should seek therapy. It's a book you should read, and read often. There's no filler in this one. Each story is just as messed up as the last one, and I enjoyed the hell out of it. The only sad part for me was when it was all over, but I do have Tear Clown Junkies so I'll read that again and all will be right in the universe. Thank you Mr. Hackle for being your weird self.

[Jan · Rating 1 out of 5]

just plain not my cup of tea. Could not even get past the first story. It's probably my current mood. This is too absurd. These days, I want some REAL STUFF and by real stuff I mean history books.

[Thomas Trang · Rating 4 out of 5]

The author gave me a free copy of this book in exchange for an honest review, which is what this is.

I had a feeling that “Is Winona Ryder Still with the Dude from Soul Asylum? and Other LURID Tales of TERROR and DOOM!!!” would be a collection of wild absurdist stories steeped in pop culture along the lines of McSweeney’s and woah nelly I was not wrong. But I was also not even close. This might be the most deranged book I’ve ever read.

It starts off with an objectively bad rap/poem piece where the author introduces himself and get progressively weirder. “Tokens” is a hilarious tale of cliched token characters from fiction coming to life, playing video games, and generally wreaking havoc upon the world. “The Powell/Fourth Dog Incident” is legitimately one of the funniest things I’ve read in recent memory. It has to be experienced to be believed.

What is going on in these lurid tales of terror and doom? Is it just utter nonsense and cultural touchpoints piled onto each other Cadavre Exquis style? Were these stories plotted using the I Ching or Yahtzee dice? Were they written as a dare?

“The Powell/Fourth Dog Incident” seems to have something legitimate to say about our loss of privacy and media oversaturation in a digital world – I think – but then it pivots into a madcap commentary about Phil Collins.

Turns out this is the Hackle modus operandi: he lays it on thick, taking the stories to their breaking point and then even further beyond that. This book reminded me of Tim Robinson sketches or Sideshow Bob stepping on rakes in The Simpsons. Taking things too far is the point. It’s not a bug, it’s a feature.

A ghost and several props from Paramount Studios rampage through Hollywood killing everything in sight before destroying the solar system. There are killer sardines, Antonio Salieri, ever expanding lunchboxes, a recurring obsession with the film Krull, sentient chicken nuggets, gangsta owls from Compton, drug cartels, and mathematical equations. There’s a story about a guy who gets cuckholded by his beeper to the soundtrack of Billy Joel. Breaking the fourth wall on multiple occasions is about the least experimental thing in this book.

Some of the stories lull you at first, unfolding in a quaint if slightly fantastical narrative voice akin to Steven Millhauser, before jumping off the deep end into verbose juvenilia. Others simply start there.

This collection definitely won’t be for everyone. Even if you are - like me - partial to eloquent jibberish and surreal comedy, the book is simply too irreverent and undisciplined to work 100% of the time. But I suspect this is the only way it could have been summoned into existence. Maybe read one story a day, lest you drive yourself insane trying to parse any underlying meaning from it all.

File under: Bizarro Barthelme, kooky Kafka, or a lost Salvador Dali painting with eggplant emojis strategically placed around its edges.

[Sam H · Rating 5 out of 5]

I absolutely loved the book! I laughed my ass off while having my brains thoroughly scrambled! After reading Terror Mannequin by the author I thought I knew what I was getting myself into but boy was I wrong!

This book is a collection of 19 short stories from the mind of Douglas Hackle. If you have not yet been introduced to the world of bizzaro, absurdist, wacko, (enter your own synonym here) writing, then you need to read this book! It won't be everyone's cup of tea but it is something everyone needs to experience at least once in their life. From the Puppetball, to chicken nugget burials, to Terror Sardines, this book has it all.

Starting off with a lovely rap-poem about the author tells you everything you need to know about him and you know this book is going to be a wild ride! Each story is unique and the wackiness does not let up! I could not put this book down, with each story making me wonder what he could possibly think of next?!?

Even though the stories are wacky as hell you can tell that the author knows exactly what he is doing with his writing and it left me wanting to read more and more!

Standout shorts from this collection were titles such as:

The Two Times I was Mean - - this story has a twist you will never see coming!
The Ghost, the Boulder, and the Glaive - - can't go wrong with the ghost from Three Men and a Baby, the boulder from Raiders of the Lost Ark, and The Glaive from Krull!
This Puppet Puts the "P" in "Puppet" - - you will never look at puppets or chicken nuggets the same again!

And literally every other story because there wasn't a single one I didn't enjoy! This review can not do it justice! Go read it now!

[Trish · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Supremo of the Surreal!

Douglas Hackle does it again with his collection, Is Winona Ryder Still with the Dude from Soul Asylum? and Other LURID Tales of TERROR and DOOM!!!

Explore the impact of intrusion in a hitherto private man’s mundane life, where a diagnoses of ‘In the Air Tonight’ disease (‘bum-bum…bum-bum…bum-bum…bum-bum…BUM!…BUM!) is the only escape.

Meet Bobby, the very real ghost from the film Three Men and a Baby who teams up with the boulder from Raiders of the Lost Ark and the Glaive from Krull to enact vengeance.

Outwit the TERROR SARDINES in TERROR SAUCE - even if mommy has been playing Pagapepperoni with your bro!

Discover so many Hawt dudes, including the War of 1812 and receive clarity on the role of the software engineers. Disappoint Jason and Freddie with your song choices and get engaged with the sentient en passant. Explore Lovecraft in his true vein and munch down on some tip-taps, poached foo-faps, and fried pop-dots - ‘know what I’m sayin’, Sauce-Masta McDrizzle’.

If this review doesn’t make sense - GOOD - go read this collection and embrace your Hackle Cackle with pride!

[Rena · Rating 3 out of 5]

What a quirky, strange lil book.

It was fun because it's all over place and that's half the reason it was so amusing. You have no idea what you're getting into with these short stories. But, I love how the author kind of ties them all together.

Perfect for if you don't know what you want to read next.

[Annette Keiller · Rating 3 out of 5]

One of the craziest books I’ve ever read. Wasn’t for me, but was full of interesting stories with a sick/humorous twist.