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Happiness Is a Choice You Make: Lessons from a Year Among the Oldest Old
An extraordinary look at what it means to grow old and a heartening guide to well-being, Happiness Is a Choice You Make weaves together the stories and wisdom of six New Yorkers who number among the "oldest old"-- those eighty-five and up.
In 2015, when the award-winning journalist John Leland set out on behalf of The New York Times to meet members of America's fastest-growing age group, he anticipated learning of challenges, of loneliness, and of the deterioration of body, mind, and quality of life. But the elders he met took him in an entirely different direction. Despite disparate backgrounds and circumstances, they each lived with a surprising lightness and contentment. The reality Leland encountered upended contemporary notions of aging, revealing the late stages of life as unexpectedly rich and the elderly as incomparably wise.
Happiness Is a Choice You Make is an enduring collection of lessons that emphasizes, above all, the extraordinary influence we wield over the quality of our lives. With humility, heart, and wit, Leland has crafted a sophisticated and necessary reflection on how to "live better"--informed by those who have mastered the art.
In 2015, when the award-winning journalist John Leland set out on behalf of The New York Times to meet members of America's fastest-growing age group, he anticipated learning of challenges, of loneliness, and of the deterioration of body, mind, and quality of life. But the elders he met took him in an entirely different direction. Despite disparate backgrounds and circumstances, they each lived with a surprising lightness and contentment. The reality Leland encountered upended contemporary notions of aging, revealing the late stages of life as unexpectedly rich and the elderly as incomparably wise.
Happiness Is a Choice You Make is an enduring collection of lessons that emphasizes, above all, the extraordinary influence we wield over the quality of our lives. With humility, heart, and wit, Leland has crafted a sophisticated and necessary reflection on how to "live better"--informed by those who have mastered the art.
256 pages, Hardcover
Published January 23, 2018
749 people are currently reading
4964 people want to read
About the author
John Leland
3 books16 followersLibrarian Note: There is more than one author by this name in the Goodreads database.
John Leland (born 1959) is an author and has been a reporter for the New York Times since 2000, and former editor in chief of Details, and he was an original columnist at SPIN magazine. Robert Christgau of the Village Voice called him "the best American postmod critic (the best new American rock critic period)," and Chuck D of Public Enemy said the nasty parts of the song "Bring the Noise" were written about him. He lives in Manhattan's East Village with his wife, Risa, and son, Jordan.
John Leland (born 1959) is an author and has been a reporter for the New York Times since 2000, and former editor in chief of Details, and he was an original columnist at SPIN magazine. Robert Christgau of the Village Voice called him "the best American postmod critic (the best new American rock critic period)," and Chuck D of Public Enemy said the nasty parts of the song "Bring the Noise" were written about him. He lives in Manhattan's East Village with his wife, Risa, and son, Jordan.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 540 reviews
November 5, 2018
Probably would have been better as an article, but it did make for a fast read. Here’s the summary:
- Every morning you wake up, be grateful for a new day.
- Be content with what you have, and don’t dwell on what you’ve lost.
- Live in the moment.
- Always try to do things that create meaning for you (whether that’s cleaning, helping others, caring for a pet).
- You’ll get bored of sex (this is ~50% of the book).
- You won’t give a shit about what you accomplished at work, but make sure you save all your money because everything is expensive.
- Happiness is often about perspective.
See more of my reviews: Blog // Instagram
- Every morning you wake up, be grateful for a new day.
- Be content with what you have, and don’t dwell on what you’ve lost.
- Live in the moment.
- Always try to do things that create meaning for you (whether that’s cleaning, helping others, caring for a pet).
- You’ll get bored of sex (this is ~50% of the book).
- You won’t give a shit about what you accomplished at work, but make sure you save all your money because everything is expensive.
- Happiness is often about perspective.
See more of my reviews: Blog // Instagram
July 7, 2021
My non-fiction favorite book of 2018. I don't think it's #1 spot will be challenged. An uplifting, perspective-shaking & beautiful examination of the lives of 6 people over the age of 85. I would like to read this every year of my life, to make sure the wisdom in it continues to sink in and stay with me. No book has made me feel more grateful for everything in life, and just life in general, no matter what I'm stressing about, and actually in spite of any negatives (and, actually, I sometimes felt gratitude FOR the negatives). My favorite quote: "So often we measure the day by what we do with it--cure cancer or surf in Maui or meet with our child's math teacher--and overlook what is truly miraculous, which is the arrival of another day. Enjoy it or not. The day doesn't care, but if you miss it, it won't be back again."
2nd reading: still my favorite quote! (the one from my original review). I think I did a great job of internalizing the lessons in this book because it didn't seem as revelatory the second time around (though it was interesting to listen to it instead of read it) but did still provide some reminders and 'aha!' moments about savoring life at any stage.
2nd reading: still my favorite quote! (the one from my original review). I think I did a great job of internalizing the lessons in this book because it didn't seem as revelatory the second time around (though it was interesting to listen to it instead of read it) but did still provide some reminders and 'aha!' moments about savoring life at any stage.
March 12, 2018
I'm not sure why I bothered finishing this book. Would have been a great long form article but as a book it dragged on and felt like the lessons got lost along the way. Also didn't feel like I got much new insight about the wisdom of oldest of the old. It did however remind to appreciate my time with both my own grandmothers, with one living until 91 and the other until 101. I miss them but they live on our families' memories.
February 4, 2018
Happiness is a Choice You Make is the account of a yearlong conversation between a New York Times journalist and six people who are among the “oldest old” in America. The journalist, John Leland, was 57 as of the the time of this writing, and going through his own challenges. He was hoping to learn from these elders, and to share his findings with us. He did both brilliantly.
Leland writes with compassion, humor, and incisiveness. I knew I was home when, in the very beginning of the book, his elderly interview subjects answered his questions with platitudes or reminiscing about their youth, but he didn't settle for that. "...I was interested in what their lives were like now...How did they get through the day, and what were their hopes for the morrow? How did they manage...Was there a threshold at which life was no longer worth living?" He also writes with humor which leavens the weight of the topic.
This was my main takeaway: It seems regular old people, not heroes or geniuses, but just everyday elders, might come to some ways of being that are essential for a good end of days (and might enhance our younger years as well.) What they know looks simple on the outside, but there’s an underlying complexity that takes a lifetime to develop and that the elders may not even sense they have. To them, it’s just life.
Random highlights:
--Leland writes, “Old age is a concept largely defined by people who have never lived it.” In other words, youth sees age-related decline and either recoils in horror/grief or conjures mythic fallacies to explain it. Yet Lelend, reporting back from the foreign land of the ultra-aged, says it's neither. It’s just a development. You work around it and keep living. No big deal.
--The olders aren’t really wise. They’re just so experienced at adaptation that they do it without thinking, which is actually sheer genius. If we youngers weren’t so busy celebrating 90-year-old marathoners and other such freaks of nature, we’d notice the greater lessons available from and for more average humans.
--The way elders see themselves holds the key to peace about what we fear in aging. For example: “...all (of the olders) seemed to redraw the line between what was acceptable and what was too much, pushing it just past their level of disability. Health problems that looked devastating to me looked to them like a part of life’s progress after 85--what was truly bad was always a step down the road.”
--Another example: We look at a widow and think, how horrible that she has to live every day knowing her husband is gone. But olders, while they may relive grief, spend more time remembering the good. And how often have we heard that memories from our early lives stay with us more clearly than the newer ones? What a blessing!
--Another: youth might draw back in horror at the short time horizon elders know they have, but for elders, this shortened horizon enriches the enjoyment of the now. For youth, who may have a sprawling 50 years to live, they wonder which paths to take, how best to maximize their work, etc. They're tormented at every turn by critical decisions. In contrast, for elders, their time limitation serves as a tightly bundled blanket; comforting in a weird way. They don’t have to worry about moving to Los Angeles or freezing their eggs. They have only to maximize today.
--Another: lack of a mate might seem like a relief rather than a tragedy. “I can serve my own needs; I don’t have to worry about or wait on anybody else. I have long blocks of time in which I can just think, or whatever.”
--Another: loneliness, like grief, regret, or frustration, comes and goes. It doesn’t define them. And rather than feel lonely, some decline may occur in the desire or need to socialize. I'm generalizing, but that seems like it would be a relief.
These are random observations from the book. If I tried to highlight all the passages I found profound or valuable, it’d be pages and pages long. I highly recommend this book.
Leland writes with compassion, humor, and incisiveness. I knew I was home when, in the very beginning of the book, his elderly interview subjects answered his questions with platitudes or reminiscing about their youth, but he didn't settle for that. "...I was interested in what their lives were like now...How did they get through the day, and what were their hopes for the morrow? How did they manage...Was there a threshold at which life was no longer worth living?" He also writes with humor which leavens the weight of the topic.
This was my main takeaway: It seems regular old people, not heroes or geniuses, but just everyday elders, might come to some ways of being that are essential for a good end of days (and might enhance our younger years as well.) What they know looks simple on the outside, but there’s an underlying complexity that takes a lifetime to develop and that the elders may not even sense they have. To them, it’s just life.
Random highlights:
--Leland writes, “Old age is a concept largely defined by people who have never lived it.” In other words, youth sees age-related decline and either recoils in horror/grief or conjures mythic fallacies to explain it. Yet Lelend, reporting back from the foreign land of the ultra-aged, says it's neither. It’s just a development. You work around it and keep living. No big deal.
--The olders aren’t really wise. They’re just so experienced at adaptation that they do it without thinking, which is actually sheer genius. If we youngers weren’t so busy celebrating 90-year-old marathoners and other such freaks of nature, we’d notice the greater lessons available from and for more average humans.
--The way elders see themselves holds the key to peace about what we fear in aging. For example: “...all (of the olders) seemed to redraw the line between what was acceptable and what was too much, pushing it just past their level of disability. Health problems that looked devastating to me looked to them like a part of life’s progress after 85--what was truly bad was always a step down the road.”
--Another example: We look at a widow and think, how horrible that she has to live every day knowing her husband is gone. But olders, while they may relive grief, spend more time remembering the good. And how often have we heard that memories from our early lives stay with us more clearly than the newer ones? What a blessing!
--Another: youth might draw back in horror at the short time horizon elders know they have, but for elders, this shortened horizon enriches the enjoyment of the now. For youth, who may have a sprawling 50 years to live, they wonder which paths to take, how best to maximize their work, etc. They're tormented at every turn by critical decisions. In contrast, for elders, their time limitation serves as a tightly bundled blanket; comforting in a weird way. They don’t have to worry about moving to Los Angeles or freezing their eggs. They have only to maximize today.
--Another: lack of a mate might seem like a relief rather than a tragedy. “I can serve my own needs; I don’t have to worry about or wait on anybody else. I have long blocks of time in which I can just think, or whatever.”
--Another: loneliness, like grief, regret, or frustration, comes and goes. It doesn’t define them. And rather than feel lonely, some decline may occur in the desire or need to socialize. I'm generalizing, but that seems like it would be a relief.
These are random observations from the book. If I tried to highlight all the passages I found profound or valuable, it’d be pages and pages long. I highly recommend this book.
April 30, 2024
Old age is the last thing we'll ever do and it might teach us about how to live, now.
A welcome dose of perspective to help shift mindsets from "what you lose to aging" to "what you gain by living longer" — a small but significant change.
3 stars. It felt warm and encouraging while it lasted, but the specific details already elude me. (I did this one as an audiobook)
A welcome dose of perspective to help shift mindsets from "what you lose to aging" to "what you gain by living longer" — a small but significant change.
3 stars. It felt warm and encouraging while it lasted, but the specific details already elude me. (I did this one as an audiobook)
February 7, 2018
This is an interesting, thought-provoking book about old age and how to get the most quality of life. There is some science in it, but it's not a science-based book. Instead, it's based on a small number of long-term interviews. To a lesser extent, it's about facing the inevitability of death, but the focus here is on how to confront life now in order to be prepared for whatever form death takes. There are some valuable thoughts worth considering, and it has an overall inspiring tone I think a lot of people would enjoy.
For me, it doesn't go deep enough, it isn't scientific enough, and it doesn't make my top meaning-of-life books. (But it did just inspire me to go back and add that tag to a bunch of books.)
For me, it doesn't go deep enough, it isn't scientific enough, and it doesn't make my top meaning-of-life books. (But it did just inspire me to go back and add that tag to a bunch of books.)
March 7, 2018
Borrowed it from my public library, purchasing it for my permanent shelf as a reference and reminder to what's essential, important and true about living life well and in the moment. Loved every word and every lesson. Essential reading.
May 11, 2018
I hope that people don't dismiss Happiness Is a Choice You Make as another bit of platitudinous fluff based on the title. It is by far the best non-fiction book I've read this year. If you can get a paper copy as well as the audiobook, I highly recommend it. I started out reading a library copy, and loved seeing pictures of "the elders," but life got in the way of my having enough time to sit and make much progress with it, so I downloaded it on Audible and finished up that way. The narrator (who is not the author) does a great job, and has a warm, pleasing voice, but the surprise at the end is really what made the audio copy worth any price you pay.
February 2, 2018
This is a poignant, life-affirming, and inspiring little book with a huge message. Absolutely required reading for everyone who hopes to live a good, long life.
Read
March 4, 2018my mother once said; "who wants to live to 90?" answer; "an 89 year old." What I got out of this book is; If you live a long time, you know how to do it regardless of your circumstances
Loved it..
Loved it..
July 21, 2018
i'm usually not a fan of authors' making it all [or a lot] about them, but in this case I found it a charming touch that the author, in his early middle years [or at any rate that's how i think of being in mid-50s] with an elderly Mom and in the wake of a recent divorce, focuses quite a bit on what HE can get out of becoming closely acquainted with six NYC-residing oldest-old [85+] people.
They make an appealing, seemingly realistic group with a range of attitudes, experiences, health statuses, and family connections. In the end, the author's takeaways are not really all that surprising (be grateful, don't worry so much about unimportant stuff, nurture your social ties, cultivate a sense of purpose........), but his candor re the process of learning from elders makes for an enjoyable read.
"Before I met the six people in this book, if I thought about my old age at all, I imagined it to be like my present life, only with everything good stripped away -- eyesight, mobility, sex, independence, purpose, dignity. In their place I imagined constant back pain and a home that smelled funny. Maybe I would run out of money or recede into senile dementia." (p. 221).
I think what helped him the most in adjusting this view of aging was getting outside his own head and looking at individual lives from the perspective of their inhabitants. This comes through clearest in the parts about a woman balancing a late-life gentleman caller with her somewhat disapproving daughter, but it's important for the rest as well.
The woman who gets her fill of other people via a daily game of mah-jonngg at which no one talks very much is doing something that might strike a lot of the young people as boring and demoralizing, but it's her routine and fits her personality. When a few falls cause her to be jacked up to a higher and more restrictive level of care, such that she misses the game, its importance to her well-being comes more clearly into focus.
so yeah live like you were dying, don't hold grudges, etc. etc., but also stop imagining that old people who strike you as boring are necessarily bored themselves. Bottom line: We LIKE watching Jeopardy and playing along, and we're not going to stop reading the print newspaper. Thanks in advance for your understanding.
They make an appealing, seemingly realistic group with a range of attitudes, experiences, health statuses, and family connections. In the end, the author's takeaways are not really all that surprising (be grateful, don't worry so much about unimportant stuff, nurture your social ties, cultivate a sense of purpose........), but his candor re the process of learning from elders makes for an enjoyable read.
"Before I met the six people in this book, if I thought about my old age at all, I imagined it to be like my present life, only with everything good stripped away -- eyesight, mobility, sex, independence, purpose, dignity. In their place I imagined constant back pain and a home that smelled funny. Maybe I would run out of money or recede into senile dementia." (p. 221).
I think what helped him the most in adjusting this view of aging was getting outside his own head and looking at individual lives from the perspective of their inhabitants. This comes through clearest in the parts about a woman balancing a late-life gentleman caller with her somewhat disapproving daughter, but it's important for the rest as well.
The woman who gets her fill of other people via a daily game of mah-jonngg at which no one talks very much is doing something that might strike a lot of the young people as boring and demoralizing, but it's her routine and fits her personality. When a few falls cause her to be jacked up to a higher and more restrictive level of care, such that she misses the game, its importance to her well-being comes more clearly into focus.
so yeah live like you were dying, don't hold grudges, etc. etc., but also stop imagining that old people who strike you as boring are necessarily bored themselves. Bottom line: We LIKE watching Jeopardy and playing along, and we're not going to stop reading the print newspaper. Thanks in advance for your understanding.
May 31, 2018
KINDA DEPRESSING.
“Old age was the gift that kept on taking.” (p. 25)
I’ve been a self-help, happiness junkie for as long as I can remember; so the title of John Leland’s recently released non-fiction: Happiness Is a Choice You Make set all sorts of Pavlovian bells ringing for me. I had to read this book.
Leland did an admirable job of hitting all the right ‘happiness’ chords—attitude, gratitude, purpose, usefulness, camaraderie, and happy-in-spite-of vs. happy-if-only. It was in that catchy subtitle: Lessons from a Year Among the Oldest Old, though, that the fear and despondency seeps through. Severely diminished capacities and capabilities, and dependency on others, is scary.
I commend John Leland for his research and presentation, and appreciate his writing on such a difficult subject. I only wish a bit more hopefulness could have seeped through. “Wonder, too, is a choice you make.” (p. 210).
Recommendation: This book did not leave me whistling a happy tune. Professional and personal caregivers to the elderly, however, should find value in these pages. Those of us mere minutes away from joining the oldest old might also benefit some from facing inevitability—tough, real tough, though it might be.
“Have you ever thought about how amazing, really amazing, life is?” (p. 210)
Farrar, Straus and Giroux. Kindle Edition, 244 pages.
“Old age was the gift that kept on taking.” (p. 25)
I’ve been a self-help, happiness junkie for as long as I can remember; so the title of John Leland’s recently released non-fiction: Happiness Is a Choice You Make set all sorts of Pavlovian bells ringing for me. I had to read this book.
Leland did an admirable job of hitting all the right ‘happiness’ chords—attitude, gratitude, purpose, usefulness, camaraderie, and happy-in-spite-of vs. happy-if-only. It was in that catchy subtitle: Lessons from a Year Among the Oldest Old, though, that the fear and despondency seeps through. Severely diminished capacities and capabilities, and dependency on others, is scary.
I commend John Leland for his research and presentation, and appreciate his writing on such a difficult subject. I only wish a bit more hopefulness could have seeped through. “Wonder, too, is a choice you make.” (p. 210).
Recommendation: This book did not leave me whistling a happy tune. Professional and personal caregivers to the elderly, however, should find value in these pages. Those of us mere minutes away from joining the oldest old might also benefit some from facing inevitability—tough, real tough, though it might be.
“Have you ever thought about how amazing, really amazing, life is?” (p. 210)
Farrar, Straus and Giroux. Kindle Edition, 244 pages.
April 9, 2018
Everyone should read this book. Well written and we'll worth the time
Everyone should read this book. Well written and well worth the time. A subject we all are intimately involved with
Everyone should read this book. Well written and well worth the time. A subject we all are intimately involved with
March 5, 2018
I appreciated the stories and the wisdom. This book gave me a lot to think about.
August 1, 2024
Like Tuesdays With Morrie, this was one of those books that reinforced things you already know to be true, and everyone I know (myself included) could do with a refresher! The "elders", as Leland calls them, remain happy in the face of poverty, loss, pain, grief, and failing minds and bodies. How? By seeing the good, even in losses, and recognizing that we already have the makings of a good life: companionship (or its memory), purpose, contentment, the ability to appreciate beauty, and love. As Leland says in his conclusion, "Good food, friends, warmth, self-worth: these are the things we have already. We just need to choose them as our lives."
A special shout-out to two takeaways from this book:
(a) Purpose is really important physically and mentally as we age! People with purpose have more happiness than others AND better memories, Leland says, EVEN when dementia begins to take over! (Here he talks about biology and plaque and brain cells, and it wouldn't be a short quote, so take my word on it!)
(b) In a brief portion where he discusses Alzheimer's, he says that studies have been conducted where researchers ask the patient about his/her happiness, and they report good levels of happiness, even when those around them might think that their quality of life is diminished and miserable. That was good to read! :)
A special shout-out to two takeaways from this book:
(a) Purpose is really important physically and mentally as we age! People with purpose have more happiness than others AND better memories, Leland says, EVEN when dementia begins to take over! (Here he talks about biology and plaque and brain cells, and it wouldn't be a short quote, so take my word on it!)
(b) In a brief portion where he discusses Alzheimer's, he says that studies have been conducted where researchers ask the patient about his/her happiness, and they report good levels of happiness, even when those around them might think that their quality of life is diminished and miserable. That was good to read! :)
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
April 16, 2018
Solid 3 stars. I wanted to love this book but honestly, it wasn't anything too eye opening. Still enjoyable to read. Basically, what the author learned in a year of hanging out with 6 old people is carpe diem. In the words of Ram Dass, "be here now". Of course, that is easier said than done for many people, myself and the author included.
One of the 6 people Leland follows does basically that when younger - always living in the moment - and he pays for it when he is elderly. Out of his 6 kids by 4 women(never married) only 1 sometimes speaks to him, he didn't save any money for retirement(yet his city pension is too much for him to qualify for govt aid) and he didn't think ahead about his living arrangements and gets trapped living in an apartment on the top floor without an elevator. He is the Grasshopper in Aesop's fable The Ant & The Grasshopper. He's still an optimist and an extrovert when he is elderly but I found it hard not to shake my head in sorrow at the difficult position he found himself. I though, am more like the Ant so it's hard to comprehend his mindset.
What I enjoyed most from this book was not the individual stories - though those were nice - but the research Leland did about aging in America. As a 50 year old with parents who turn 87 & 89 this year, I found the information presented very relevant and useful. I need to remind myself that "old age is not a problem to be fixed but a stage of life." My default reaction is to fix, push for change, overcome. "Medicine and lifestyle changes can delay the onset of problems in old age, not eliminate them." There is only so much one can do. Of course, what we can do - with medicine & lifestyle changes - is to add to the middle of life, instead of adding to the end of life. That is, we can prolong the healthy stage of life so the end - suffering & death - is shortened. The term for this is compression of morbidity. That is what I am aiming for!
Leland writes about what the elderly think about as they look back on life. The questions one asks oneself when facing death. "How did my life matter?" "Was my time well spent?" "What can I look back upon with pride?" "What did I mean to others?" "Did I love the right people?" During his conversations over the year, none of the 6 really talked about work or money at all. It was all about relationships with others. It made me think of Harvard's Grant Study, a 75-year longitudinal study of 268 Harvard college sophomores from the classes of 1939–1944. The main takeaway from the study? That good relationships are the key to a happy life. Something to keep in mind as we all scurry to work in order to earn in order to consume. In the end it boils down to other people, not stuff.
One of the 6 people Leland follows does basically that when younger - always living in the moment - and he pays for it when he is elderly. Out of his 6 kids by 4 women(never married) only 1 sometimes speaks to him, he didn't save any money for retirement(yet his city pension is too much for him to qualify for govt aid) and he didn't think ahead about his living arrangements and gets trapped living in an apartment on the top floor without an elevator. He is the Grasshopper in Aesop's fable The Ant & The Grasshopper. He's still an optimist and an extrovert when he is elderly but I found it hard not to shake my head in sorrow at the difficult position he found himself. I though, am more like the Ant so it's hard to comprehend his mindset.
What I enjoyed most from this book was not the individual stories - though those were nice - but the research Leland did about aging in America. As a 50 year old with parents who turn 87 & 89 this year, I found the information presented very relevant and useful. I need to remind myself that "old age is not a problem to be fixed but a stage of life." My default reaction is to fix, push for change, overcome. "Medicine and lifestyle changes can delay the onset of problems in old age, not eliminate them." There is only so much one can do. Of course, what we can do - with medicine & lifestyle changes - is to add to the middle of life, instead of adding to the end of life. That is, we can prolong the healthy stage of life so the end - suffering & death - is shortened. The term for this is compression of morbidity. That is what I am aiming for!
Leland writes about what the elderly think about as they look back on life. The questions one asks oneself when facing death. "How did my life matter?" "Was my time well spent?" "What can I look back upon with pride?" "What did I mean to others?" "Did I love the right people?" During his conversations over the year, none of the 6 really talked about work or money at all. It was all about relationships with others. It made me think of Harvard's Grant Study, a 75-year longitudinal study of 268 Harvard college sophomores from the classes of 1939–1944. The main takeaway from the study? That good relationships are the key to a happy life. Something to keep in mind as we all scurry to work in order to earn in order to consume. In the end it boils down to other people, not stuff.
May 12, 2018
An enjoyable, contemplative look at what makes life worth living through the eyes of the oldest among us. Leland spent a year interviewing six elderly men and women, including his own aging mother. It’s powerful considering what keeps us going and what we can learn from the elderly.
April 28, 2022
LOVED this book. It’s so sweet and insightful. The audiobook bonus of hearing from its subjects at the end got me right in the feels. We need to talk more about aging, dying, and surviving/thriving. Kudos to the author for tackling this subject in a thoughtful, empathetic way.
March 16, 2018
When New York Times journalist John Leland set out to interview six economically and racially diverse octo- and nonagenarians over the course of a year, he thought he would leave the meetings anxious and depressed by their physical and emotional challenges. And at times he came away concerned for their safety and wellbeing. But he quickly discovered that the elderly themselves are hopeful. Without the worries of career, family, and relationships, the old enjoy the present more fully than the young. Leland’s findings affirm the wisdom of old age and defy the notion that youth equals happiness.
It wasn’t the trite self-help title that made me pick this up, but the subtitle and the comparisons to Atul Gawande’s Being Mortal. There will always be room for improvement in the way our society deals with the growing population of the elderly and the accompanying healthcare and housing needs. I like the diversity in the New Yorkers Leland selected to follow and the studies he uses to back up his findings. The seniors themselves are interesting characters and I was inspired by their overall positivity. Instead of focusing on the choices they don’t have, they live in the now and practice gratitude more than any other age group. I would’ve liked more science and more concise conclusions but as it is, the book is an uplifting, insightful view of aging and a delightful audiobook that saw me through the snowy months.
It wasn’t the trite self-help title that made me pick this up, but the subtitle and the comparisons to Atul Gawande’s Being Mortal. There will always be room for improvement in the way our society deals with the growing population of the elderly and the accompanying healthcare and housing needs. I like the diversity in the New Yorkers Leland selected to follow and the studies he uses to back up his findings. The seniors themselves are interesting characters and I was inspired by their overall positivity. Instead of focusing on the choices they don’t have, they live in the now and practice gratitude more than any other age group. I would’ve liked more science and more concise conclusions but as it is, the book is an uplifting, insightful view of aging and a delightful audiobook that saw me through the snowy months.
April 20, 2018
This book deserves a better title. It's an insightful look at a year in the lives of a half dozen elderly folks. How they cope with diminished capabilities, their attitudes towards dying and living. It's easy for us to forget that older people are unique and have their own views. Leland celebrates them all.
May 18, 2024
Although the lessons are familiar, the portraits reinforce them and add nuance. Don’t miss the notes of sadness.
April 21, 2018
Leland spends a year with six older adults in and around NYC. They are all 85 or older at the time, and they each find ways to find happiness despite some of the losses of advanced age.
Fred is a well-dressed ladies man who is grateful for waking up to a new day. He has some problems with mobility, but he's full of gratitude and enjoys life's simple pleasures.
Ping enjoys playing mah-johng and socializes with several other Chinese-Americans. She has to move during that year, which requires her to make some adjustments. She has trouble with arthritis and cognition, but she also does some translation work for her landlord and shares information about how to maximize social services.
John talks frequently about being ready to die. Nevertheless, he finds a lot of joy in music and in relishing memories of his long-time partner, Walter. John has a niece who gives him support, and he has a lot of younger friends from fire island.
Helen lost her husband, but she has a much younger boyfriend at her assisted living facility. Howard has some trouble with cognition and mobility, but Helen loves fussing over him, and he is very sweet with her. Helen's daughter finds this romance a little threatening, but Helen works to keep the peace.
Ruth has daughter who fuss on her, but Ruth pushes back to maintain as much independence as she can manage. She spends the most time with the most extended family members among those that Leland profiles in his book.
Jonas is the most active in the bunch. He is a film maker, a writer, and a public speaker. He attends a lot of cultural events as an audience member and as a featured artist. He survived being a Lithuanian when the Soviets occupied his country, and he was imprisoned by the Nazis. He remembers seeing several famous actors and musicians from decades prior, and he keeps up with the up-and-coming creatives in Manhattan.
Leland himself reflects on his own aging process as well as his mother's, using this book as a way to reflect on the role that gratitude, social engagement, and purpose contribute to a person's happiness.
At times I found the book repetitive. Leland probably mentions sixty times that Helen found purpose by caring for Howard. But I ended up buying the book after placing post-it notes on my library copy on nearly every page. His interview participants are engaging, and Leland connects their experience with key research by gerontologists, sociologists, psychologists, and medical researchers. Some of this research I've already read as a gerontologist, but Leland draws on several studies that I haven't read yet. Consequently, I plan on mining his sources.
In invigorating, thoughtful read.
Fred is a well-dressed ladies man who is grateful for waking up to a new day. He has some problems with mobility, but he's full of gratitude and enjoys life's simple pleasures.
Ping enjoys playing mah-johng and socializes with several other Chinese-Americans. She has to move during that year, which requires her to make some adjustments. She has trouble with arthritis and cognition, but she also does some translation work for her landlord and shares information about how to maximize social services.
John talks frequently about being ready to die. Nevertheless, he finds a lot of joy in music and in relishing memories of his long-time partner, Walter. John has a niece who gives him support, and he has a lot of younger friends from fire island.
Helen lost her husband, but she has a much younger boyfriend at her assisted living facility. Howard has some trouble with cognition and mobility, but Helen loves fussing over him, and he is very sweet with her. Helen's daughter finds this romance a little threatening, but Helen works to keep the peace.
Ruth has daughter who fuss on her, but Ruth pushes back to maintain as much independence as she can manage. She spends the most time with the most extended family members among those that Leland profiles in his book.
Jonas is the most active in the bunch. He is a film maker, a writer, and a public speaker. He attends a lot of cultural events as an audience member and as a featured artist. He survived being a Lithuanian when the Soviets occupied his country, and he was imprisoned by the Nazis. He remembers seeing several famous actors and musicians from decades prior, and he keeps up with the up-and-coming creatives in Manhattan.
Leland himself reflects on his own aging process as well as his mother's, using this book as a way to reflect on the role that gratitude, social engagement, and purpose contribute to a person's happiness.
At times I found the book repetitive. Leland probably mentions sixty times that Helen found purpose by caring for Howard. But I ended up buying the book after placing post-it notes on my library copy on nearly every page. His interview participants are engaging, and Leland connects their experience with key research by gerontologists, sociologists, psychologists, and medical researchers. Some of this research I've already read as a gerontologist, but Leland draws on several studies that I haven't read yet. Consequently, I plan on mining his sources.
In invigorating, thoughtful read.
April 22, 2019
Reseña completa---> http://bit.ly/2UswL9n
¿De qué trata este libro? Esta no es una novela, se trata más bien de una recopilación de diversas anécdotas, testimonios e historias que el autor, John Leland, fue recopilando a lo largo de sus entrevistas a personas mayores, específicamente de lo que solemos llamar La Tercera Edad, en este pequeño libro vamos a ir descubriendo las historias de muchísimas personas que nos narran y comparten un poco de la sabiduría que el tiempo y la vida les han dado. Amores, desamores, pérdidas, la constante sensación de estar llegando al final de la vida, etc. Son solamente algunos de los temas que veremos reflejados en las páginas de este libro pero no se confundan, John Leland le da voz personas ancianas pero el libro nos da enseñanzas para cualquier edad y cualquier etapa que estemos pasando en nuestras vidas, de hecho hice que mi abue leyera este libro y me hizo algunos comentarios interesantes del cómo vio reflejada parte de su vida en las experiencias de otros, pero yo, que apenas tengo 30 años (LOL digo apenas como si tuviera muy poquitos :V) he aprendido cosas muy valiosas de este libro y, la verdad, hasta que llegado a llorar en algunas partes. Sinceramente Ser Feliz es una Decisión es un libro que creo que todos y todas deberíamos leer en algún momento, aunque aún nos falte mucho para ser viejitos o aunque nos falte poquito...
¿De qué trata este libro? Esta no es una novela, se trata más bien de una recopilación de diversas anécdotas, testimonios e historias que el autor, John Leland, fue recopilando a lo largo de sus entrevistas a personas mayores, específicamente de lo que solemos llamar La Tercera Edad, en este pequeño libro vamos a ir descubriendo las historias de muchísimas personas que nos narran y comparten un poco de la sabiduría que el tiempo y la vida les han dado. Amores, desamores, pérdidas, la constante sensación de estar llegando al final de la vida, etc. Son solamente algunos de los temas que veremos reflejados en las páginas de este libro pero no se confundan, John Leland le da voz personas ancianas pero el libro nos da enseñanzas para cualquier edad y cualquier etapa que estemos pasando en nuestras vidas, de hecho hice que mi abue leyera este libro y me hizo algunos comentarios interesantes del cómo vio reflejada parte de su vida en las experiencias de otros, pero yo, que apenas tengo 30 años (LOL digo apenas como si tuviera muy poquitos :V) he aprendido cosas muy valiosas de este libro y, la verdad, hasta que llegado a llorar en algunas partes. Sinceramente Ser Feliz es una Decisión es un libro que creo que todos y todas deberíamos leer en algún momento, aunque aún nos falte mucho para ser viejitos o aunque nos falte poquito...
April 1, 2018
This book changed my views on aging. I'm still intent on managing my own end, but less concerned about establishing a specific date.
Some pearls:
"Severe memory loss is a horrible thing, and we rightly fear it, but selective forgetting can be the better part of wisdom. When you’re forty-five, it pays to remember all the mistakes you made in your marriage or career, so you can learn from them; at ninety it’s better—wiser—to forget, because the memories will only hurt."
"the more the health care system enabled people to survive to old age, the more they developed chronic diseases that sucked the quality out of life... If cancer patients typically die of pneumonia, say, and we develop treatments for pneumonia, all we’ve done for their cancer is ensure that they spend more years dying of it. In place of a day on their deathbed, we’ve given them a month and called it progress."
"Here was a lesson in giving up the myth of control. If you believe you are in control of your life, steering it in a course of your choosing, then old age is an affront, because it is a destination you didn’t choose. But if you think of life instead as an improvisation in response to the stream of events coming at you—that is, a response to the world as it is—then old age is more another chapter in a long-running story."
"Vast forces in the universe had conspired to enable me to awaken in my bed rather than as a widow with five children in Aleppo."
Some pearls:
"Severe memory loss is a horrible thing, and we rightly fear it, but selective forgetting can be the better part of wisdom. When you’re forty-five, it pays to remember all the mistakes you made in your marriage or career, so you can learn from them; at ninety it’s better—wiser—to forget, because the memories will only hurt."
"the more the health care system enabled people to survive to old age, the more they developed chronic diseases that sucked the quality out of life... If cancer patients typically die of pneumonia, say, and we develop treatments for pneumonia, all we’ve done for their cancer is ensure that they spend more years dying of it. In place of a day on their deathbed, we’ve given them a month and called it progress."
"Here was a lesson in giving up the myth of control. If you believe you are in control of your life, steering it in a course of your choosing, then old age is an affront, because it is a destination you didn’t choose. But if you think of life instead as an improvisation in response to the stream of events coming at you—that is, a response to the world as it is—then old age is more another chapter in a long-running story."
"Vast forces in the universe had conspired to enable me to awaken in my bed rather than as a widow with five children in Aleppo."
March 20, 2018
Wisdom Unfolds
Wonderful lessons. Interesting and well written. Personable. I enjoyed how he wrote the lesson from each individual and then shared with readers how he related that lesson to his own life.
Wonderful lessons. Interesting and well written. Personable. I enjoyed how he wrote the lesson from each individual and then shared with readers how he related that lesson to his own life.
March 17, 2018
No offense to the author but I only skimmed through the book as I did not like it. I found the stories from his six elderly New Yorkers just as depressing as my current real life experiences with a 93-year-old mother in the throes of late stage dementia. Also at age 65, I am starting to feel the limitations and worries that come with being a senior citizen. There are moments when those of us with some gray in our hair and tread on our tires feel happiness. However many of us see darkening clouds – – disease, memory loss, loss of control, financial issues, loss of function, loss of mobility etc. Our society does not treat the elderly with respect or the consideration that they deserve. Few look forward to getting older in their 80s or 90s.
Leland's attempt to write a feel-good story to this reader fell flat given what I see every time I visit a long-term care or dementia unit.
Leland's attempt to write a feel-good story to this reader fell flat given what I see every time I visit a long-term care or dementia unit.
April 28, 2020
Revised June, 2019 - I re-read the book recently and raised my rating to four-stars. I had more time to read it slower, and was able to identify better with the six elders he had befriended and to absorb the lessons of their lives. Lessons came in three forms - what the elders told Leland, Leland's summary of what he drew from each of the six elders, and lessons embedded in the narrative and examples of each of the six elders.
As a senior, I have read several/numerous books on aging and death in recent years. This is definitely among the best of the genre, if not at the top of the list.
As a senior, I have read several/numerous books on aging and death in recent years. This is definitely among the best of the genre, if not at the top of the list.
March 6, 2018
Wonderful meditation on life and how we find meaning. Made me realize there are lessons to learn from people who have lived much longer than I have.
Interesting quote from the book . . .
But what is old age? To a great extent we’ve made it a verdict, something that happens to people who didn’t have the good sense to take up yoga before it was too late, meaning roughly their twenties. Which is to say, old age is a concept largely defined by the people who have never lived it.
Interesting quote from the book . . .
But what is old age? To a great extent we’ve made it a verdict, something that happens to people who didn’t have the good sense to take up yoga before it was too late, meaning roughly their twenties. Which is to say, old age is a concept largely defined by the people who have never lived it.
July 30, 2018
This was a sweet story of a journalist trying to work out his own issues around aging for himself and his mother through developing relationships with a handful of elders. Their stories are all so different and their responses to aging vary. Several of them are ready to die - not suicidal -and grateful of the lives they've lead and all the good that has come their way.
Some of them live in the past -- reliving pleasant memories through pictures, stories and surrounding themselves with the ephemera of times gone by. The oldest, Jonas, lives in the present and continues doing work in the arts -- he seemed like the most interesting one of all of them.
The author follows each elder through ups and downs over the course of a year, and becomes friends with them and their family. The stories seem a bit rambling and repetitive -- the "lessons" get lost a bit in the narrative of their lives, past and present.
Overall, however, the message is as clear as the findings in Jonathan Rauch's book "The Happiness Curve." The elders adapt their expectations to their ability and their situation. We spend our time and energy on things that give us satisfaction rather than lamenting what we can no longer do. This is described as "socioemotional selectivity," "“knowing they face a limited time in front of them, focus their energies on things that give them pleasure in the moment, whereas young people, with long horizons, seek out new experiences or knowledge that may or may not pay off down the line."
This includes letting go of unpleasant memories, and recalling the good times. They become more altruistic and accepting of things that they will never know.
"Wisdom leads to better decision-making and more realistic expectations, less disappointment when things don’t work out."
As we get older, our expectations change. Mostly, we don't know how we'll be when we become elderly -- it's a foreign land.
For the author, "Each elder had different lessons to teach: from Fred, the power of gratitude; from Ping, the choice to be happy; from John, acceptance of death; from Helen, learning to love and be needed; from Jonas, living with purpose; and from Ruth, nourishing the people who matter. For centuries societies had relied on elders for these lessons and more."
Our author started off with a sense of duty, obligation and burden toward his mother's choices in her independence and desire to be done with life. He transitioned to a place where he could accept her decisions and see her instead as "an agreeable dinner companion" who had a lot of life experience and had a lot to share.
"As I started to dial back my sense of fulfilling an obligation, I enjoyed my visits with her more. My mother has a great, dry sense of humor."
Perhaps that the big lesson for caretakers of the elderly: they are adults with desires and wishes, and the drain that caretakers feel in executing their role may be due to the conflict in working against these wishes and desires instead of accepting them.
The author also reexamined his life generally: how much unnecessary stuff was in his life? Clothing, friends, activities -- that was keeping him busy but not making him happy? He also began a practice of gratitude and mindfulness to better enjoy and appreciate today.
"Instead of fighting for my way at work, I thanked my editors for making my writing better; I asked advice instead of feeling I should know all the answers."
Relationships and establishing interdependence is also an important part of finding happiness in old age (Note to offspring of my siblings: at least one of these elders was being cared for by a niece!).
Finally, purpose is a tremendous tool to keep focus and make life enjoyable. It also allows one to cut out things that are not related to that purpose -- interestingly, the observations and lessons are very similar to what I am finding in current management books about leadership. Leaders must develop self-awareness of their values, find a purpose/vision, be aware of/grateful for what people are doing for them and what those people need, and maintain strong relationships to achieve shared goals. Overall, it just seems like generally good advice for anyone at any age!
One of my favorite quotes from Jonas, the eldest of the group:
In the end -- I do believe this book could have been a bit shorter, and a bit less rambling or repetitive. The balance of the author's internal processing and memories were interesting and could have been expanded a bit more to make this a richer read.
Some of them live in the past -- reliving pleasant memories through pictures, stories and surrounding themselves with the ephemera of times gone by. The oldest, Jonas, lives in the present and continues doing work in the arts -- he seemed like the most interesting one of all of them.
The author follows each elder through ups and downs over the course of a year, and becomes friends with them and their family. The stories seem a bit rambling and repetitive -- the "lessons" get lost a bit in the narrative of their lives, past and present.
Overall, however, the message is as clear as the findings in Jonathan Rauch's book "The Happiness Curve." The elders adapt their expectations to their ability and their situation. We spend our time and energy on things that give us satisfaction rather than lamenting what we can no longer do. This is described as "socioemotional selectivity," "“knowing they face a limited time in front of them, focus their energies on things that give them pleasure in the moment, whereas young people, with long horizons, seek out new experiences or knowledge that may or may not pay off down the line."
This includes letting go of unpleasant memories, and recalling the good times. They become more altruistic and accepting of things that they will never know.
"Wisdom leads to better decision-making and more realistic expectations, less disappointment when things don’t work out."
As we get older, our expectations change. Mostly, we don't know how we'll be when we become elderly -- it's a foreign land.
For the author, "Each elder had different lessons to teach: from Fred, the power of gratitude; from Ping, the choice to be happy; from John, acceptance of death; from Helen, learning to love and be needed; from Jonas, living with purpose; and from Ruth, nourishing the people who matter. For centuries societies had relied on elders for these lessons and more."
Our author started off with a sense of duty, obligation and burden toward his mother's choices in her independence and desire to be done with life. He transitioned to a place where he could accept her decisions and see her instead as "an agreeable dinner companion" who had a lot of life experience and had a lot to share.
"As I started to dial back my sense of fulfilling an obligation, I enjoyed my visits with her more. My mother has a great, dry sense of humor."
Perhaps that the big lesson for caretakers of the elderly: they are adults with desires and wishes, and the drain that caretakers feel in executing their role may be due to the conflict in working against these wishes and desires instead of accepting them.
The author also reexamined his life generally: how much unnecessary stuff was in his life? Clothing, friends, activities -- that was keeping him busy but not making him happy? He also began a practice of gratitude and mindfulness to better enjoy and appreciate today.
"Instead of fighting for my way at work, I thanked my editors for making my writing better; I asked advice instead of feeling I should know all the answers."
Relationships and establishing interdependence is also an important part of finding happiness in old age (Note to offspring of my siblings: at least one of these elders was being cared for by a niece!).
Finally, purpose is a tremendous tool to keep focus and make life enjoyable. It also allows one to cut out things that are not related to that purpose -- interestingly, the observations and lessons are very similar to what I am finding in current management books about leadership. Leaders must develop self-awareness of their values, find a purpose/vision, be aware of/grateful for what people are doing for them and what those people need, and maintain strong relationships to achieve shared goals. Overall, it just seems like generally good advice for anyone at any age!
One of my favorite quotes from Jonas, the eldest of the group:
“I would say, that I am applying the ‘butterfly wing’ theory to my everyday life,” he wrote. “It’s a kind of moral dictum, moral responsibility to keep in mind that whatever I do this second affects what the next second will be. So I try not to do anything negative, which is my best insurance that the world will be better next second, or at least not worse. But of course, my positive action may be undermined by 100 negative actions of others and so it may mean nothing. But I still have to follow that dictum. You can call it optimism.”
In the end -- I do believe this book could have been a bit shorter, and a bit less rambling or repetitive. The balance of the author's internal processing and memories were interesting and could have been expanded a bit more to make this a richer read.
February 9, 2018
Being in the moment, enjoying what I have, and not lamenting what I don't are all lessons I can get behind. I don't gain anything by wishing circumstances were different.
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