Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse

by Gregory L. Jantz, Ann McMurray

Examining why emotional abuse is so common and damaging, this book reveals how those who have been abused by a spouse, parent, employer, or minister can overcome the past and rebuild their self-image. It provides strategies for dealing with the verbal abuser, information on spiritual abuse, and a biblical plan for healing.

Genres: Self Help, Psychology, Nonfiction, Abuse, Mental Health, Health, Christian

304 pages, Paperback

First published April 1, 1995

Reviews

[Samantha · Rating 5 out of 5]

Personal Response: The book, Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse , was a very good book. I rated this book four out of five stars because it had a lot of personal experiences in it. It was very touching and very relatable in my life. I read this book for one of my classes and I am glad that I did. It was a very eye opening book, and I even wrote a speech on it.

Plot: The book, Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse , is about emotional abuse; how to notice it, how to stop it, and how to heal from it. Emotional abuse is one of the most common abuse types in the last year. Emotional abuse is about people constantly saying things to make others think down on themselves. Words can hurt more than physical abuse and the words tend to leave deeper scars than physical abuse. Abuse is a never ending chain unless someone sees the damage the person is doing and change their ways. In what most people think is a normal family the father can be a monster. The father is always screaming at the mom and the children. As the years pass the abuse seems to be normal. This is the kind of abuse the father use to be raised in. The kids see that yelling is a normal thing; therefore, the kid is yelling at the animals, siblings, and his friends. The behavior is an ongoing feature in this kid`s life now. Someday that kid is going to make a women suffer the abuse, because he thinks it is normal. This book goes through lots of ways to break the chain of abusive behavior. Along with the chain, is technology abuse. Social media is taking over the word theses days. Something to think about is what is making the abusers abuse? This book goes into amazing details on describing what the abuse is feeling. Abusing is never right, but being the victim and understanding the abuser can turn into a great friendship. In this world no one ever knows what can happen. Technology is allowing people to say things they would never say to someone in person. Some sayings are, “Treat someone the way you want to be treated,” maybe they are already being treated badly at home. This book is very eye opening and should be read by trillions of more people.

Characterization: In this book there were many little series of different kinds of abuse. This meant there were many different abusers and victims. The author himself was a victim from an abusive father. He wrote this book to help most people realize what abuse was and how to heal from it. The author was very open to the subject of abuse. In most cases it can be hard to talk about the terrible things in the past. He was very intelligent on the subject of abuse, which made the book so eye opening.

Setting: The newest version of this book was written in 2009. It was updated with the new ways abusers can abuse like; technology. Through the years social media was a huge way to say things you would never say in person. Teenagers around the world were able to say something they can not actually do with a few clicks on a screen. The author updated to book and included a new technology chapter.

Theme: I connected to this book in many ways. The theme is healing from emotional abuse. I am healing from emotional abuse at this moment. My dad is an abuser when it came to my family. My mom and dad divorced when I was 11 years old. By my mom moving out my dad tried to change his ways by seeing different kinds of people. I look just like my mom and I have the same plans as her. This became a trigger for my dad; therefore, abuse came into the picture. Emotional abuse is the hardest to recognize, but with this book I realize that everything that is said is what I have been experiencing. I moved out of his house and have been doing very well in my life.

Audience: I recommend this book to high school aged kids. The age requirement is for 15 years of age and up. I only recommend this to an older age because it requires a mature level. The readers have to be okay with some religious beliefs that are in this book. Anyone can be a victim when it comes to abuse. It doesn't matter what gender the reader is, the book will have the same effect.

[Carey · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was extremely helpful for me. It has affirmations, questionaires, and other activites to help with your recovery. This is a very good read and would recommeded for anyone who has ever been through any kind of abuse

[Thomas Edmund · Rating 5 out of 5]

Not too much to say about this tome - but all of it is positive. The book deals with a range of potential relationships including parent-child not just relationships which some will find helpful.

The book focusses strongly on the specific strategies of abusers and more on the cognitive level of how to reclaim your safety, not so much a practical guide, although they do touch on safe ways to confront a person if that is warranted.

Will take a break from my 'toxic' books for a while!

[Catherine · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am so glad that this was a purchase instead of a library book for me. I will read it and work the exercises in it often. When it is time to move beyond the "Did that really happen?" shock in your mind, this book can help you start to identify and heal the lingering hurt.

[Kinzie Moffitt · Rating 5 out of 5]

Life. Changing.

[P.L. Smith · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have now had the opportunity to read a few books by Dr. Jantz and I have found his works to be very inspirational and healing. I am not a victim of childhood abuse, having had a very happy, healthy, fulfilling childhood. But being a foster parent, I often have children in my home who have suffered a lot from abuse, neglect, and so on. I wanted to know the best way, the Godly way, to help these precious children heal from the wounds they don't deserve and didn't ask for.

I feel that once again, Dr. Jantz did an amazing job of sharing God filled, Biblical insight to help guide you in recognizing the pain and suffering that abuse can cause and walking the reader through realistic steps to begin the healing process. I feel that I am better equipped to help the kids that I work with begin to move past the painful past, and look to the future, through God's healing touch, and be healed.

His writing is very well done. I have always found his works to be impressive with the writing style, the tone, the message. I am not distracted by grammar or mechanics issues and feel his writing flows with smooth cadence. I am not only impressed with his writing, but applaud him for having such a great editor to make sure everything is perfect for publication.

This is definitely a book I recommend to anyone in the field of helping or social work. It is great for foster parents like myself, as well as anyone who does counseling or therapy. It is also a great book to help those who want to move past issues from their own childhood. Great information!

[Anna · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book has a Bible based, loving theme throughout that was encouraging and hopeful. It provides practical strategies and steps to take in healing from the trauma of abuse in a more positive light than any of the other abuse recovery books I've read thus far. Other books have left me feeling hopeless, because there are situations when one cannot just walk away from a family member who is emotionally abusive. This author walks you through the process of learning to love yourself; forgive yourself as well as the abuser; identify and change the faulty, abuser-programmed thought patterns you've grown up believing; establish healthy boundaries; and provides several methods to use to regain your personal strength in communicating your boundaries and expectations of respectful behavior, as well as enforcing the consequences of violating those boundaries. It is a book that is truly self empowering.

[Magdalena Saito · Rating 5 out of 5]

Incredibly easy to understand, lots of easy to digest information with understanding, repetition, and the ability to move forward for anyone reading it, what I loved it that the book didn’t feel geared only to those who’ve suffered emotional abuse, but also speaks to abusive people, not to condemn, but to show effects, and also to show understanding on where their own communication issues may stem from, giving not only victims a chance to heal, but abusers ( who were likely. I Tim’s themselves). Really gives a great understanding of so many things I didn’t even consider looking into. I feel this book as very hopeful and helpful. I look forward to reading more of his works.

[Ashlee Eiland · Rating 3 out of 5]

Really appreciated the narratives and definitions provided. However, some of the suggestions for healing were simplistic and repetitive. There were even some that I disagreed with, e.g. “To avoid an emotionally abusive relationship in the future...” (281). Doesn’t this assume emotional abuse is avoidable? Dangerous territory.

Overall, really helpful in some aspects, unhelpful in others - hardly much in-between.

[Daniel · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a pretty helpful book in recognizing, naming, and dealing with past hurts. I’d have loved more anecdotes in part 4 (the section on actually healing the scars!), and probably didn’t need as many elsewhere, but it was still a very worthwhile read.

[Cindy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent insight into the types of emotional abuse. I didn’t think it is that common and subtlely rearing its ugly head in families, relationships, friendships. Would recommend to anyone seeking to face and make peace with their past. :)

[Maryam · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautiful. Everyone should read this once in their life.

[Metanoia · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the best books I've ever read.

[Sarah Knox · Rating 4 out of 5]

A helpful and encouraging resource to healing and wholeness. Will be reading more of his books.

[Faith · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fantastic read for anyone who has ever been in a relationship with another human, who has been a child, has parents, didn't have parents, or are now parents. Break the cycle. Read this book.

[Linda Perry · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the best purchases I have ever made. It truly helped me on path to healing.

[Val · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this book very good and informational. There were questions to work through each chapter. I highly recommend it.

[Holly · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very informative. Helps to really define what it is. There is a checklist to figure out the source of abuse, such as verbal, neglect, etc..

[Rachelle Edwards · Rating 5 out of 5]

Go slowly!

[Amy · Rating 2 out of 5]

Not sure about the other formats of the book, but the ebook version had SO MANY errors that it actually took away from the book.

[Gigi Murfitt · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this book very helpful to understand the many aspects of emotional abuse. I have seen the devastation on friends and family that can affect generations when it is ignored.

Too often we settle for a statement something like this, "That's just the way my (fill in friend or loved one's name) is. He/she is never going to change. I'm cool with the way they treat me (or his/her family or coworkers. I have just learned to live with it and dodge the (fill in the method of abuse here - angry words, teasing, control, silent treatment etc). I'm good."

No. This is not good. And this book helps you understand that what people say or do to you does not define you. Until you take a stand and set some boundaries, it isn't going to stop.

I think most people will be awakened to the truth of all different forms of emotional abuse in this book. I was surprised at how many ways a person can harm others emotionally.

I would suggest reading it as part of your counseling process. It is always good to bounce off ideas with someone who can point out the truths you have been denying all along.

Also be prepared to see yourself in this book. It encouraged me to talk to my counselor about family dynamics and community and church culture that can also be emotionally abusive.

All in all, I found this to be a very cathartic read as I walk through a better understanding of myself and the people I know and love. I plan to share some of what I learned in a blog post or two.

[Jennifer · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the most common secrets that are held within many households is the issue of emotional abuse. The mere mention of it is hushed away or laughed at nervously by family members in hopes that another subject will be brought up. Emotional abuse is a generational behavior that is learned and passed down from mother to daughter and from father to son. It is often unintended or sometimes viciously practiced. This book is a wonderful tool that describes the various types of characteristics of emotional abuse and how they originated. It discusses types of abuse through words, actions, neglect, and religion. It provides examples through stories of childhood traumas or relationships that would be considered abusive situations. The author goes into details on how to heal from an emotionally abusive relationship and how to prevent from getting into another one. He discusses what causes individuals to seek out people with certain characteristic that might be considered negative and ask them to reflect on their inner self.

This book is a wonderful tool for a person getting out of an abusive relationship, a person that is going into a career of counseling, social work, or any type of family counseling. I really found it both helpful in my personal life and also for my future educational goals as a clinical social worker. I highly recommend this book for those that have a passion toward helping others out there and would like to make a difference in the world.

[Matthew Kowalski · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read this book to try to see things that I may be blind to being that I am living my life and do not have complete perspective to the full truth and consequence of all of my actions and my life.

Further I wanted to stop hurting people in the way I have and need external help to know what I have done that hurts others so that I can actively try to change what I have done.

I also wanted to be able to be able to carry out my work on this planet more effectively and understanding others and myself will help me to achieve this.

As I read the book I was drawn in even though much of the content in the book I have been aware of as I have struggled with others and my own demons. So the latter half of the book was more useful to me with a little bit of concrete examples that a person could use as models of understanding and action.


If you use those two things you can get out of our solve nearly anything.
Part of this is the use of the heart to heal itself. Candidly though I believe in something that is ineffable to me and some manner of supra intelligence. I would prefer using the humanistic values of charity, kindness, forgiveness etc to coordinate my positive profligacy.

[Dan Tubbs · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is one of the best books I have read regarding recovery from emotional abuse. Some people commented that they did not like the Christian aspect of the book, but I found that the spiritual component of the book was a very important part of healing. I like the authors approach to whole person health. We are creatures of body, mind, and spirit. I enjoyed this book so much that I am currently reading his book on overcoming anxiety and worry.

[Judy Kim · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow this has been such a crucial and eye opening book to my healing process from emotional and verbal abuse that is still so hard to accept or come to terms with but this spoke so much truth and insight and I felt finally understood for all the fears and anxiety and low self esteem (tho it doesn't seem like it but all the stuff that goes inside my mind) and all the feelings of inferiority and feeling unsafe wherever I am was that someone would attack me.. All realizing it was due to my childhood upbringing and a really unstable abusive home it's really a huge step to acknowledge and start to deal with. I wept so much just reading a few pages and I never have experienced so much healing and wisdom and insight from a book. Thank you so much Dr. Jantz I would still be in darkness and fear without this book. So so so exceptional and life changing. I hope those who've experienced similar things will also experience hope and the beginning of healing through this book <3. 10 stars!

[Lina · Rating 2 out of 5]

The author is a christian and he talks to you from the pages of the book as if you were a christian too, or at least a creationist, but you may be not.

I'd recommend to look at some other books on emotional abuse, like:
Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You
Why does he do that? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.

To deal with low self-esteem - as a consequence of emotional abuse or not - look at the work of Dr. Burns "Feeling Good". The reason for your low self-esteem maybe one or several distortions = negative thoughts and beliefs you hold about yourself.

[Jeremy · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book coincides with what has been pointed out and taught by my Christian counselor. While the book is a great resource I have found that I am better suited to learning the points as they have been presented to me in counseling. So for me counseling with this book as a resource is great, but just the book would not provide the results needed for me to change and grow. I am not saying the questions and surveys in the book are not useful, I'm saying that I need a counselor to have me answer the questions at the time they are pertinent to my growth. This is how I learn and grow.

[Laurie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Extremely helpful book... given to me by a cherished mentor... led to she & I co-leading two support (non-professional) groups for women over the next 4 years... hugely therapeutic and SPOT ON truthful. Would recommend it to everyone and anyone! Will forever be grateful to my precious mentor & friend!

[Catherine McClelland · Rating 3 out of 5]

When choosing to read this book it was without realizing all the Christian rhetoric. I found this disconcerting. That aside, the book was full of much helpful information about emotional abuse. It also provided thought provoking exercises on the topic.

[Kyrie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very good book... helps you to put everything in perspective. Gives excellent examples of emotional abuse.