Being There: Why Prioritizing Motherhood in the First Three Years Matters

by Erica Komisar

Compassionate and balanced, and focusing on the emotional health and well-being of children as well as that of the mothers who care for them, this book shows mothers and fathers how to give their children the best chance for developing into healthy and loving adults. Based on more than two decades of clinical work, established psychoanalytic theory, and the most current and cutting-edge neurobiological research on caregiving, attachment, and brain development, the book How to establish emotional connection with a newborn or young child-regardless of whether you're able to pause your career to stay home How to select and train quality childcare if necessary-and how to ease transitions and minimize stress for your baby or toddler What's true and false about widely held beliefs like "babies are resilient" and how to combat feelings of post-partum depression or boredom Why three months of maternity leave is not long enough-and how women and their partners can take control of their choices to provide for their family's emotional needs in the first three years

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Psychology, Family, Audiobook, Childrens, Self Help

Audio CD

First published January 1, 2017

Reviews

[Ann Bell · Rating 5 out of 5]

The book gets an unfair reputation from the title and from people projecting their own misgivings. It is not about working versus non-working, rich versus poor, or whatever mommy wars crazies are trying to spin it as. It is about trying to -whether you are working or not- prioritize your child's emotional and social wellbeing as an importance facet of parenting, especially during the first three years.
It has tips for working moms and tips for SAHMs. It is honest and lets us know that when we become mothers, it is a hard job. It corrects the lie of the perfect mother and tells us how to least screw our kids up.
I'm glad to have read this book before I had children after being interested by her GMA interview.

[Taryn · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a neonatal nurse, lactation consultant and mother of 3 all my years of study and practical experience have shown me that the information in this book is spot on. Our culture over the last 20 -30 yrs has really devalued mothering. Its PC to say that quality time is more important than quantity and day care is good for infants ....this book and the research cited says otherwise. Anyone that is thinking about becoming a mother or who is a mother of a young baby needs to read this and if you can't be present at least make some of the changes she describes in the book - I am going to purchase this and give it as a shower gift to pregnant women!

[Lacey Louwagie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I will admit that I read this book to confirm/feel good about choices I have already made. That's the only kind of parenting book I'll read these days -- I need all the support I can get, and with my family and closest friends out of town, sometimes a book is all I have at the moment to tell me I'm being a good mom!

Books like this that urge mothers to prioritize parenting at certain points in their life are always criticized as being anti-feminist, which I think is unfair. What is really unfair is that women pay a price no matter WHAT they choose, and that attempting to "do it all" really translates as "giving it all," and there is nothing less feminist than asking a woman not to retain anything at the end of the day for herself because she's used it all up for her employer and her family. Because women pay a price for motherhood no matter what they choose, it's important that they put some serious thought into those choices and which prices they are most willing to pay, or how they can manage to pay the least. This book is a good counterpoint to "The Feminine Mistake: Are We Giving Up Too Much?" by Leslie Bennets, which argues against women dropping out of the workforce when their children are young.

Both books are fantastic, well-researched, agenda-driven, and focused on the well-being of women and families. They just come down on different sides of the cost-benefit analysis, and both of them have informed my own choice to cobble together a hybrid life as a mostly at-home mom who remains in the workforce part-time, even though what I REALLY want at this point in my life is to just be a SAHM.

Contrary to what many people seem to think, this book does not urge mothers to drop out of the workforce while their children are young, but to find a way to prioritize parenting during these years. Her focus is on presence, and she argues that an at-home parent who is emotionally or intellectually distracted is not much different from a parent who is physically gone.

She got a little too Freudian in some places for my tastes, and her blanket assumptions that if you find parenting boring, it means there was something wrong with the way YOU were parented rubbed me a bit the wrong way. And although she tries to be inclusive, she really is very much writing to a white, middle-class audience -- the kind that might be able to afford some flexibility in their worklife, that has a present/supportive partner, and that could pay for a little therapy for themselves or their children if needed. As often happens in books of this type, there are places where the line between the author's personal parenting philosophy and the actual research is not very clear. But it did help elicit a greater sense of understanding about the emotional reality my own small child lives in, and anything that can help me be a more compassionate, present parent is a win in my book.

PopSugar Reading Challenge Item: A Book About Mental Health

[Erin Ching · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was really ready to enjoy this book. I've been lucky to stay home full time with all 3 of our kids when they were babies, so if science affirmed this choice, then great! But i feel like this book combined the author's opinions on what makes a good parent with a little bit of science, and didn't do a great job drawing the line between what was science and what was opinion.

Positive points:
- I can use every reminder to stay emotionally present with my kids (ie off the phone, really listening to what they're saying, etc.) and this book provided that.
- It was interesting to read about different strengths brought by mothers and fathers
- It was interesting to see the scientific studies she cited to bolster the idea that babies do better when they spend lots of time with a physically and emotionally present mother.

Negative points:
- Many, many people do not have the choice of the mother staying at home full time or taking on a super flexible and part time position - i feel like the book could've done a better job of being less judge-y and speaking to this reality.
- The author blames SO MUCH of a mother's problems on their relationship with their own mother, without scientific backing, and I think this was overblown. There are all sorts of reasons why you might be bored staying home with your baby besides the (possible and unsubstantiated) reason that your own mother was bored with you. I *especially* didn't like seeing post partum depression getting blamed on relationship with your own mother, as this is often a chemical disorder that needs medical treatment.
- Correlation v. causation: She floats the idea that kids who did not attach to their parents show emotional and behavioral problems, without ruling out the possibility that babies are born with a pre-disposition towards these things and it's the underlying pre-disposition that causes both the trouble with attachment as an infant and the behavior problems later in life.

[Kylie Briggs · Rating 2 out of 5]

There are things I liked about this book. But too many things bothered me too much to ignore.

Komisar says several times that many of her points in this book based on observations of people she met in her private practice. Exceptionally wealthy white women in NYC. Her suggestions may be fair for a lot of those women. But they are demeaning to women in more desperate situations. For example, she speaks of a client who was a partner at a prestigious law firm and decided to work part time for the first several years of her childs life. Komisar then goes on to say more women should try to do the same. Awesome. Except the majority of women can't take the financial strain such a decision would make on their home. And most offices wouldn't consider such a proposal from the majority of their employees. How nice for the partner highlighted in the book, but let's be serious - that woman's assistant wouldn't be given the same consideration. Even if she could take the pay cut.

Komisar pushes the importance of mothers - to the point where she demeans fathers and adoptive parents. Sorry - I'm not a fan. And frankly she doesn't provide any evidence backing up her assertion that kids don't do as well when the primary caregiver is a father or adoptive mother. I hear your complaining that I don't have the evidence either. But I didn't write a book pushing such a theory.

She has a chapter on how we need better maternity leave policies. Then blames women for the lack of such a policy. Because so many of them want to go back to work right away. This may be another sign of her limited demographic. I don't know any women that were eager to return to work quickly after having a baby. But most didn't have the option of taking extra unpaid time.

[Lyndsie · Rating 1 out of 5]

I don't usually write reviews because "for every book its reader" etc, but I'm making an exception here because this book has the potential to do real damage. I started reading it on a whim, thinking that it would provide suggestions for ways that I could continue to connect with my baby; this was not the case. The author starts off by saying that she is not interested in participating in the "mommy wars," and then spends the remainder of the book emotionally reneging on that promise. Dare to work and raise your child? Bad mom! Have to send your kid to daycare? Bad mom!! Being a SAHM but giving your kid TOO much stimulation? Bad mom!!! It seems to be the the only time she thinks it's okay for a mom to "be away" from her baby during the first three years is when she showers-- and even then, you should be quick about it. Towards the end she indicated that she considers herself a feminist... As long as you do everything she considers best for a family. The entire thing reeks of privilege and blame, with little to no examination of the societal reasons that people HAVE to utilize childcare. Oh, and don't even get me started on the heteronormative BS-- her idea that a "mother" is the only parent who can provide true care and stability to a baby is gross and outdated. I should have put it down much earlier, but finished it in order to ensure that I could write an accurate review to hopefully save another person from reading it... Because how dare you have any sense of self while parenting?! TL;DR: skip it.

[Jenny · Rating 4 out of 5]

Apparently one of my reading themes for this year is "books by non-Christian, liberal authors who have figured out that Christian tradition is right about their field of study". Komisar identifies herself as a "child-centric" feminist, and has, during her career as a psychologist, studied the impacts of mother-baby separation during the first three years of life. She believes that women can (and if they want it, should) have careers outside the home, but strongly argues, based on her own experience in her practice as well as research, that children have better outcomes when their mothers stay home to be their primary caretaker for at least their first three years. She does her best to deliver her message with kindness, to offer practical suggestions on ways to be there and connect for mothers who work outside the home. But she doesn't pull her punches--mothers are not replaceable.

I think it would be interesting to put Komisar and Abigail Shrier (author of Bad Therapy) in a room and listen to them chat about the intersections of their research. We know that kids are not okay, that mental health among young people is at a crisis point, and Komisar puts forth compelling information that demonstrates that maternal presence--or rather a lack of it--is an important factor in the equation.

This is a book that will ruffle a whole lot of feathers. It's one, though, that I think all women considering motherhood should read (or, at the least, they should watch one or two of Komisar's interviews--you can find them on several different podcasts and on youtube). I (of course) don't agree with everything in the book, but even if reading the blurb makes you mad, it's worth picking up.

[Melinda · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow. This is a book worth about 100 stars. HIGHLY HIGHLY HIGHLY recommended!

This book states what my own mother would have proclaimed as common sense.
1) When you become a mother, everything changes. Forever.
2) Your biological mother matters. Alot. From the very beginning, forever. Adoptive mothers are wonderful, but note how many adoptees go looking for their biological mother. That biological connection is there, it is real, and it matters.
3) Substituting a "caregiver" or "caregivers" makes a difference to the child, and mostly in negative ways. See Item 2, your mother matters!
4) Men are not mothers. Mother's are women. Each are necessary and critical, but each parents differently.
5) If you cannot stay home with your child? Pick relatives, aunts, cousins, grandmothers.... someone who loves the child and has a vested interest in them. The worst option? Institutional daycare.
6) Children were born to be taken care of individually. No one can take care of and nurture 6 babies at once. You can institutionalize that care, yes, but to the detriment of the child.

And the list goes on. The bottom line.... women have babies, and they should take care of them in their most formative years. REMOVING the mother from the baby in those formative years causes mental distress and trauma that is unbelievably crushing for the baby.

See pg 17, "If a child is taken from his mother's care at this age, when he is so possessively and passionately attached to her, it is indeed as if his world has been shattered.... To the child of two with his lack of understanding and complete inability to tolerate frustration it is really as if his mother had died... so overwhelming is his sense of loss." and

"Mothers, fathers, and caregivers are not interchangeable."

This repeated devastation causes physical changes in the baby's brain. When they grow up, they have a tendency to be more depressed, more mentally unstable, developmentally compromised, and with social and emotional issues. Look at the skyrocketing statistics around us, mental health issues in younger and younger children. Were these children cared for by their mothers in their formative years? Or did they have to deal emotionally (from the child's perspective) with repeated separation from their mother that is experienced as a death? Were they given a rotating and not to be repeated group of caregivers? These questions bring up huge issues.

As a mother, you cannot have it all at the same time. Depriving your child of your attentive and loving presence in their formative first 3 years puts them at risk for mental illness in their teen and adult years. Think about that. Yes, motherhood is sacrifice. Motherhood is about sacrificing FOR your child, so that your child grows and develops into a healthy and well adjusted member of society. You would never condone physically "binding the feet" of children which would result in a child with deformed feet. Why do we condone emotionally "binding the feet" of babies? It deforms their brains in unhappy ways. Let's think about the rights and needs of babies who cannot talk and defend themselves!

So.. how to become a loving and emotionally present mother? I'm glad you asked! Let's start looking at nurturing and caring for our children AS BEING MORE IMPORTANT than rising to be a CEO or Chief Justice on the Supreme Court. In the long run, it IS more important. After your children are older, you can rise high in the work world. But do things in the right order! A 60 year old who has finished her work career never says "now I'll start my family!". Use the precious years when your child is young to invest in them in such a way that they will be emotionally secure and stable.

I was reminded of Phyllis Schafly, who had and raised 6 children. She graduated from college with her master's in 1945. She got her Juris Doctor degree in 1978. The inbetween years were the years for her family! Was she isolated and not involved? Of course not! But she prioritized and took care of her children when she had them.

I read this book at the same time as reading "Long Days of Small Things: Motherhood as a Spiritual Discipline" by Catherine McNiel. (see https://www.goodreads.com/review/show... )
I have to say that while it was accidental, the joint readings pointed to some very wonderful things. The work mothers do is a marathon, not a sprint. Sacrificing for your children is good for you. It makes you a less selfish and a more "other-centered" person.

A great quote from C.S. Lewis is at the beginning of the book,
"Children are not a distraction from more important work. They are the most important work."

[Kama · Rating 2 out of 5]

Whilst 2 stars may seem a little harsh for what at first appears to be a well meaning, well written, informative book, I was incredibly disappointed at what felt like an long winded condescending scolding that didn’t seem take into account that many people have absolutely no choice other than to work to support their children and families.
It is my understanding that it is more that rule than the exception that mothers go back to work because they have to, and not because they would rather be at work than spend quality time with their babies! I find it quite disturbing that the majority of the focus is on trying to convince mothers to engage with their new child. I’m sure there are mothers who have little to no interest in engaging with their babies and can’t wait to drop them with granny or the neighbour or kindergarten and this book is great for them but if you adore your child and can’t stand the idea of putting them in anyone else’s care, are genuinely interested in helping them adjust because you HAVE to work and want only the best for them, DO NOT READ THIS BOOK!!!!
It reads like one long guilt trip that will leave you feeling like a bad person who is ruining your child.
As a single mother I was particularly interested in the chapter addressed to single mothers. Her proposed solution is to get a full time live in care giver and if that is not possible a full time live out care giver. 😂
Well I’m sorry but the amount of single mothers that can afford this is definitely nowhere near as those that simply cannot. Maybe the high flying lawyer types etc but the average working single mum is working to provide for herself and her child and the employment of a full time caregiver is a ridiculous suggestion. She offers this as the only solution leaving the reader feeling like if you can’t do this well then you’re a failure as a mother because there’s no help for you.
I gave this book a good chance thinking in the next chapter there will be solid, grounding, informative suggestions for ways I can minimalist the negative impact of starting daycare for my 14 month old. I finished feeling defeated, guilty, deeply concerned, stuck, and like a terribly selfish person.

The single thing I really learned is that not everyone who writes a book has the answers

[Kaetlyn Anne · Rating 3 out of 5]

Mixed bag. I think it’s great that the emotional/psychological effects of a mother neglecting to be present with her children are being discussed. Science proves God’s design that even a secular worldview cannot deny. However, the author’s solutions to our “detached motherhood” epidemic fall short.

No amount of yoga, mindfulness, or “facing our feelings about our own mother” will make women want to be with their kids more. No amount of long-term maternity leave or “the village” will help mothers stop living in a victim mindset. We need Christ to take our hearts of stones and give us hearts of flesh and impress upon us the biblical value of being a mother at home 🤍

[Colette! · Rating 3 out of 5]

Hey, guess what! The American economy hates kids! Why? Because doing it right* takes away precious time from your employer.

Hell, even The Onion knows.

I didn't need this book to tell me that the society I live in is not truly setup to support families, much less acknowledge that in order to have thriving children, you need to let their parents be the primary people who attend to their needs. I didn't need the author to point out that it's not against the principles of feminism to want to care for your child at the expense of your career. The problem is not that mothers don't want to be with their children; the problem is that prioritizing that decision in this society can cost you.

But -- I also didn't need this book to tell me that I should explain to my kid why I won't allow him to do something rather than just telling him no. Or perhaps that I should constantly talk about our feelings, always referring to myself in the third person. (Both of those suggestions sound exhausting.) Or, perhaps, that fathers can be better caregivers if they're given a whiff of an oxytocin-laced nasal spray. (...what?) Let me be clear: no one needs to hear these things because they're opinions. Or are just plain weird.

There are other people who do a better job of explaining where this book falls short. The first year of life is a big deal, but we're not going to make it easier by suggesting that burden of prioritizing your child or your job is an individual choice, which was the feeling I had while reading this book. The system is working against us.

There are a handful of things this book does well:
-gives support for the conflicted feelings many women have when going back to work
-ripping apart the notion that "quality time" can make up for actually being there (though I think this gets more important when you have older children)
-repeating the word "status" when talking about decision-making. Since the bulk of her readers are going to be middle- to upper middle class families, I think the reminder that doing an action you don't feel right about just because you feel it's expected is bull. (This is my own take on the matter -- I'll spare you my rant about the idiosyncrasies of professional class life in a college town and its surrounding area.)

I'll give her some credit for raising the discussion, too, because the more people who chime in saying, "The way we're doing this is messed up, and it's terrible for children and parents." the better.

* - No one's doing it right.

[Hannah · Rating 3 out of 5]

I have a lot of ambivalent feelings about this book. Komisar's overarching premise, that caring for children is eminently valuable work and that a mother plays an irreplaceable role in the life of a child, is a true but unfortunately controversial stance in our society. She writes eloquently about the biological and physiological ways in which mothers and babies are created that enhance bonding and attachment and promote emotional health. The third section, in which she details the cultural and societal attitudes and circumstances that serve to denigrate motherhood and harm children, is the strongest of the book. I waffled between a 3 and 4 star review because of that section alone. Komisar speaks truths that we don't want to hear today- that children demand sacrifice, that you can't resume your old life when you have a baby without sacrificing your child's health, and that mothers play a role that can't be replaced by a father or surrogate caregiver.

Despite these strengths, I just couldn't give the book higher than a 3 star rating. Komisar is a psychoanalyst, meaning a modern-day Freudian. She makes some claims on dubious evidence at best, such as the assertion that we can't remember before age 3 or so because we've repressed the pain we experienced during that time, or that women who struggle with postpartum depression or motherhood in general are dealing with repressed or misplaced feelings about their own mother. She even brings up the Oedipal complex at one point. Few psychologists would seriously entertain these claims and I found it off-putting that so much of the book relied on Freudian views.

[Jessica · Rating 3 out of 5]

Lottttttts of thoughts on this one. It's pretty standard attachment parenting philosophy, albeit with a kind of novel psychoanalytic rationale. But there are a ton of generalizations about various lifestyles and parenting and working choices, SO MANY studies that imply correlation not causation (but that the author weaponizes nonetheless), and not a ton of practical advice for readers.

My biggest, (and somewhat self-motivated) beef: the title of the book says the "first three years matter," but this book is 90% about the first year. Nearly every example, reference, study is about under 12-month-olds. I've got a rambunctious nearly 16 month old - being "present" with him isn't trying to read his feeding cues, nonstop snuggling, and gazing into his eyes and waiting for him to want to engage with me. I was waiting for some more relevant toddler advice or insights, but it never came. Which also kind of begs the question... year one is important, clearly, but why did the author spend much less time talking about years 2 and 3? Perhaps they are less important?

One more complaint: according to Komisar, your childcare choices are - I think - in order of descending preference - Mom stays home, Other female family member stays home, Dad stays home, Full-time Nanny, Send Your Child into the Fiery Pits of Daycare You Scummy Mother. Her depiction of daycare centers was just unnecessarily alarmist and probably offensive to many readers.... but what I want to know is, why absolutely NO mention of small, in-home daycare options?? Again, self-serving, since this is my own childcare solution at the moment, but I feel like this is actually probably the most common childcare set-up in the country and she didn't mention it once.

[Randi · Rating 2 out of 5]

I don't think I would recommend this book. There were parts I found really interesting (about attachment theory and psychoanalytic theory in relation to young children and mothers) but overall the book was poorly crafted. The author's thesis as I understood it was lost among a mix of boring and repetitive anecdotes and an intolerable assumption that the reader was an affluent WASP mother. As an LCSW, I was shocked at her brief acknowledgement of class as it pertains to the ability to "choose" the way in which mothers can be emotionally and physically present for their children in the early years. The last chapter (in which she advocates for a huge societal shift in priorities and to better value motherhood and working mothers, and encouraging corporations to change their maternity leave policies) is the only part I would recommend reading.

[HY · Rating 3 out of 5]

Every child is unique. Trust your instinct. There's no perfect formula.

[Kyle Grindberg · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was a mixed bag.


Pros: Tackles two of the biggest current taboos of the Western world, one, that Moms can have it all, working full-time and being a Mom, and two, asserting that kids need a Mom and a Dad. That really takes courage. Both of these, of course, would be benign things to assert in most other ages or places in the world, but we live in strange times. She also offered helpful advice regarding emphasizing nurturing and comforting your baby over your own needs. 


Cons: I can't tell you how often she recommended some stupid new age remedy; apparently every problem in mothering can be cured by yoga or meditation; barf. Also, she actually believes Freud that a toddler is sexual; awful. Though waving her hand at the importance of Fathers, she functionally emphasizes nurturing Mother as central, and a Fathers as negligible. 

[Annie Chen · Rating 3 out of 5]

I found the first two parts repetitive and disorganized. In a nutshell, having an absent mother created all kinds of emotional problems for a child.

Despite citing a lot of research, the book is not very academically rigorous— all those claims of “babies think this way” and “toddlers feel that way” seem unfounded.

Nevertheless, the third part, “Changing the Conversation”, seems quite spot-on.

Overall, this might be a confidence booster if you’re thinking about staying home or asking for flexible/part time work arrangements. But the ambivalent might find that it induces more guilt than confidence.

[Chelsea · Rating 5 out of 5]

So many thoughts... this book was interesting on both an intellectual and personal level. It made me do some deep reflecting, more than most personal development books do. It taught me a lot about my first two years as a mother and things I want to do differently next time around. It gave me professional insight as I work with moms adjusting to their newborns and another resource to recommend. I would highly recommend it to women while they are pregnant, but really any time will do. Better late than never.

[Dana Nield · Rating 5 out of 5]

Being There is a book about the importance of a mother's presence in the first three years of her child's life. I started to write a review of the book, but I think instead I will pull my favorite quotes. I am grateful to have read this during pregnancy to help inform my parenting choices when baby arrives.

"Our society values financial security and material success over the more important values of emotional security and connection to those closest to us. Are we making the right choice when we choose a more comfortable material life over the mental health and well-being of our children and ourselves? Your baby does not care if she has a bigger room or a Florida vacation; what she wants is you and the safety and security of being in your presence."

"Strong attachment makes healthy separation easier. If your mooring is secure, you can leave your boat knowing that it will be there when you return. If you feel your mooring might move or disappear, then you would be afraid to leave your boat, fearing that it might not be there later, leaving you stranded."

"According to the Pew Charitable Research Foundation, the typical working mother spends an average of ninety minutes per day with her child."

"We have a values dilemma in the United States. We focus on giving our children (and ourselves) things rather than our time, attention, and engagement. We don’t want to recognize that raising healthy children requires putting their needs ahead of our own for a time. We want to do everything quickly. We want to eat quickly, run quickly, talk quickly, and we want our children to separate from us quickly. We are so impatient to return to our “real” lives, the one before our children, that we often sacrifice our kids’ emotional and mental health in the process of rushing back."

"In his book Journey of Awakening, Ram Dass talked about the three pillars of life: the doing, the having, and the being. Being is the most important pillar for a healthy self, healthy relationships, and a purposeful life, but most people work their whole lives doing so that they can have more, and spend little if any time being. If we cannot be quiet and at peace with ourselves, then it is much harder to be with our babies (or in any deep and meaningful relationship)."

"Having is a possessive word. When we focus on having a baby, having a marriage, having a great and successful job, and having lots of material stuff we have lost touch with the most important part of life: being."

"Guilt is a message sent by our unconscious that we may not be striking the right balance in our lives."

"I believe women and men can work and have children if they put their children first in every way. Yes, I may be child-centric, but that doesn’t make me antifeminist."

"Babies are fascinating to observe and interact with, and their development is astonishingly and beautifully subtle while being dramatic at the same time."

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

The message is right on, but it's tone deaf to socioeconomics even when trying not to be.

[Christine Kallner]

I have no idea how to rate this book, so I'm not going to. A few brief thoughts:

1. I only picked this up from the library because I really liked an article the author wrote on the children's book site Brightly (affiliated with the book's publisher): How Reading to Your Children Helps You to Be a Present Parent
2. The fact that I read this book and am primarily home with my son does not mean I am trying to make a statement or judgement about working moms.
3. This is not a working moms vs. SAH moms book -- it speaks to a variety of family situations.
4. Komisar is an equal opportunity offender -- working and SAH moms alike are both likely to be upset and/or defensive by much of what she is saying.
5. However, I think the title causes more controversy and evokes stronger reactions than the actual content of the book when read as a whole.
6. What she presents is still a bit of a tall order for all parents, especially moms.
7. It does have a lot of practical advice and information about early child development that I was either unaware of or had forgotten from any psychology/development classes I took in college.
8. While I understand many of her points, I don't think the whole answer to the "epidemic" levels of various problems (ADD, ADHD, depression, anxiety, etc.) is better mothering from birth through age 2.

If you have any interest in more of my rambling thoughts, questions, and criticisms of this book, you can read my post here.

[Kelly · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book engages in a much-neglected conversation about mothers - why mothers should take time to be with their kids when they are young and what the consequences are to children if their mothers do not. What I liked: The author includes great research which has been largely ignored in modern society. She focuses on what’s best for the child and emphasizes that parenting is a sacrifice and that independent (or plain selfish) pursuits may temporarily have to be put on hold. The book is easy and quick to read and offers logical solutions even if I didn’t agree with them all. Cautions: The author is a psychoanalyst and is politically liberal and includes references to Freud’s theories and big government solutions. For someone who credits God in her Acknowledgements, the author seems to lack awareness of the spiritual component of humanity - that man is more than just matter in motion - and views child development as cause and effect entirely.

[forthefamilyssake Hailey White · Rating 3 out of 5]

I’m probably not the target audience as I’m a mother of 6 and already made the choice to stay home and raise my children. The title intrigued me and I was hoping for less persuasion and more encouragement. I do feel the book was a bit repetitive and long. I wouldn’t read it again. I do think the target audience is a new mother trying to decide if she wants to work or stay home.

[Lifelong Reader - Lifelong Learner · Rating 2 out of 5]

The suggestions and arguments in this book are informative and helpful. However, the amount of redundancy in the book is insane. It could be half the length, or perhaps even less than half the length, and it would have accomplished the same goals/made the same points.

[Fran Zurcher · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was so, so good! It has really framed my beliefs about the necessity of emotionally and physically being there for your child from the ages of 0-3 years. I learned a lot about newborn and toddler emotional development and I also appreciated her giving many options that are most beneficial for your baby’s emotional health if staying home with them isn’t an option. She has some “hot takes” that aren’t super hot to me but may be to the general current culture but I think objectively she’s correct and I agree with pretty much every point she makes. Love her delivering the truth with science and statistics and her own experience in her career.

[Serena · Rating 5 out of 5]

Everyone should read this book. The author makes a compelling case that our culture has miserably failed women and children by not prioritizing a mother staying home with her children the first three years of a child’s life. The first three years are very critical for a baby and it needs the tender loving care and emotional and physical presence of its mother. It also makes the case that prioritizing motherhood and nurturing should be more valued in our culture. Very well written and thorough and packed with statistics to support the claims within.

[Jaquelle Ferris · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a fascinating read. While the author and I have distinctly different worldviews (and thus disagree on a lot), I absolutely agree with her premise and found the research she used to back it up incredibly interesting.

[Katie Moody · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you’re thinking about having a child some day I’d recommend reading this. I think moms have lost sight of the importance of being “just a mom”.

[Shelby · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed her perspective in this book. It is refreshing hearing her say that being a stay at home mom is just as "feminist" as anything else! Makes me want to snuggle my babies.

[Michelle Quintrell · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very informative and full of facts. The author may not be some momma’s cup of tea as she can come off very strong, but provided powerful knowledge of the importance of a babies first 3 years of life and the need for their momma (and dad)!