Люди, которые играют в игры. Психология человеческой судьбы

by Eric Berne, Эрик Берн

Infancy analysis that determines our shyness or openess

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction, Self Help, Communication, Science, Personal Development, Sociology

Unknown Binding

First published January 1, 1964

About the author

Eric Berne was a Canadian-born psychiatrist best known as the creator of transactional analysis. Eric was born on May 10, 1910 as Eric Lennard Bernstein in Montreal, Canada.He and his sister Grace, who was five years younger than Eric, were the children of a physician and a writer, David and Sara Gordon Bernstein.David Bernstein died in 1921, and the children were raised by their mother.

Bernstein attended Montreal's McGill University, graduating in 1931 and earning his M.D., C.M. in 1935.While at McGill he wrote for several student newspapers using pseudonyms. He followed graduation with a residency in psychiatry at Yale University, where he studied psychoanalysis under Paul Federn.

In 1943 he changed his legal name to Eric Berne.He continued to use pseudonyms, such as Cyprian St. Cyr ("Cyprian Sincere"), for whimsical articles in the Transactional Analysis Bulletin.

Berne's training was interrupted by World War II and his service in the Army Medical Corps, where he was promoted to the rank of Major. After working at Bushnell Army Hospital in Ogden, Utah, he was discharged in 1945.

Reviews

[Gregg Bell · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book has one of the most misleading (and worst) titles, and it is one of the best books ever written in the field of psychology. It's like how they named Greenland, a desolate hunk of ice (sorry if you're from Greenland) almost wholly within the Arctic Circle, GREEN-land; and Iceland, a gorgeous, temperate, GREEN country, wholly outside the Arctic Circle, ICE-land. There are many theories as to how this misnomer occurred, but my favorite is that Erik The Red, a hearty Viking (undoubtedly with a good sense of humor) wanted to attract settlers to his colony and so named it something appealing. Well, I don't know why Eric Berne, the famous psychologist and best-selling author, named this book "What Do You Say After You Say Hello," but for all practical purposes he named it the book-ish equivalent of Iceland (when it is indeed Greenland). The title sounds like a dating guide.

Are you interested in spirituality? You're not going to find it here. Do you want a quick fix for your problems? (I do. If you know of any, please email me. :) ) You're not going to find it here. In this book, what you get is extraordinarily clear-headed thinking about how we think (or don't). The book is based on the psychological school of Transactional Analysis (the notion that all people have three distinct parts to their personality--despite their age--Parent, Adult, and Child, and that transactions between people are best served by communicating on the same level, Parent to Parent, Adult to Adult, and Child to Child. A brief example would be if somebody was goofing around (coming from the Child part of their personality) and you shot them down (from the Parent part of your personality), saying something like, 'You're so immature!' That would be a "mixed" transaction--and problematic.)

But even more important than mixed transactions, Berne goes into great depth on how almost always our lives follow "scripts" (ways of thinking about our lives ingrained in us at an early age from our parents and other significant figures) and that these scripts are often counter-productive and even at times tragic. It's almost creepy thinking that what you absorbed from your parents (and it being long forgotten into adulthood) could be determining your current life, but Berne provides convincing proof--and most importantly a way out.

He writes: "Although men are not laboratory animals, they often behave as though they are. Sometimes they are put in cages and treated like rats, manipulated and sacrificed at the will of their masters. But many times the cage has an open door, and a man has only to walk out if he wishes. If he does not, it is usually his script which keeps him there. That is familiar and reassuring, and after looking out at the great world of freedom with all its joys and dangers, he turns back to the cage with its buttons and levers, knowing that if he keeps busy pushing them, and pushes the right one at the right time, he will be assured of food, drink, and an occasional thrill. But always, such a caged person hopes or fears that some force greater than himself, the Great Experimenter or the Great Computer, will change or end it all."

Subtle forces we are unaware of drive us, and the answer to counteracting that unawareness is awareness. And the best chance (Berne points out that often counseling is needed in some cases) of obtaining that awareness is functioning mostly from our Adult. Not exclusively of course. There are benefits to all three parts of our personality and appropriate times for their expression. It's just when (for example) a grown man or woman is consistently acting, say, from their Child, that life is unnecessarily counterproductive.

So it sounds like common sense, right? No need to read the book. Don't cheat yourself. Most psychology books are pretty good or at least have a few good thoughts and concepts you can glean from them. This book is great. This book (and the Transactional Analysis it expounds on) could improve your life immensely.

Me personally I'm getting older (57) and I'm single so the following passage really applies to me (and to women too):

"The cure for the scriptless aged is permission, but they seldom use it. There are thousands of older men living in small rooms in every large city, each of them wishing there was someone to cook for him, talk to him, and listen to him. At the same time, there are thousands of older women living under the same circumstances, wishing they had someone to cook for, talk to, and listen to. Even if the twain do happen to meet, they rarely take advantage of it, each preferring to remain in his or her familiar drab surroundings hunched over a glass or a TV set, or sitting with folded hands, waiting for a riskless, sinless death. Those were mother's directives when they were little, and these are the directives they are following seventy or eighty years later. They never took chances before, beyond a small bet at the racetrack or the stadium, so why should they jeopardize everything now? The script has vanished by its own fulfillment, but the old slogan lingers on, and when death comes they will greet him gladly. And on the front of the tombstone whey will carve: 'Gone to rest with his forebears,' and on the back it will say: 'I lived a good life, and never took any chances.'

"They say that in the next century, children will be grown in bottles, according to specifications laid down by the state and the parents, and there they will be genetically programed. But everybody is already raised in a bottle according to specifications laid down by the state and his parents, and there he is script-programed. Script-programing is easier to shake off than genetic programing, but few people exercise the privilege. For the ones who do, there can be a more inspiring tombstone. Nearly all pious epitaphs, translated into Martian (script based thinking), come out 'Raised in a bottle, and stayed there, too.' And so they stand, row after row of crosses and other symbols in the graveyard, all with the same motto. Only here and there is a surprise: 'Raised in a bottle--but I jumped out.' Many people refuse to do that, even when there is no cork."

[Bernd · Rating 3 out of 5]

A somewhat misleading title as the book won't give any helpful tips to change a conversation for the better. The underlying theory however is interesting: Right from the start we have an unconscious belief of life and ourselves which controls every bit of our life and thus also influences the way we talk to other people.
The typical "examples" however could be shortened. Berne's book "Games people play" is far better in analyzing the way people talk with each other.

[Sanjay · Rating 1 out of 5]

It all boils down to one thing: when luck fucks nothing works. Author maintains: that your life has been written for you in the first three years of your existence and you can do nothing about it.

Then why write this poor fucking book in the first place.

DNF

[Anthony Buckley · Rating 5 out of 5]

Eric Berne's best book, I feel. Berne became the darling of social workers and pop-psychologists, and I suspect was correspondingly disliked by real psychologists. Nevertheless, I have a lot of time for him. In particular, his belief that human beings contain within them a Parent, Child and Adult, and use these to build their relations with others and their understanding of themselves is not at all daft. For example, his views are consonant with those of G H Mead, the founder of Social Psychology. I suspect he is disliked because he is readable! This is a great sin in some circles.

[Sara Kamjou · Rating 4 out of 5]

اسم این کتاب جوری انتخاب شده که این تصور رو ایجاد می‌کنه که انگار یک کتاب خودیاریه. حتی نوع بیان اریک برن به واسطه اعتتقادش به اینکه تحلیل رفتار متقابل رو می‌شه آموزش داد، باعث شده این کتاب چیزی اون وسط باشه یعنی نه یک کتاب تخصصیه نه خودیاری و به نوعی هر دوشه.

من معمولا با کتاب‌های بلاتکلیف چندان خوب ارتباط برقرار نمی‌کنم. خود بیان اریک برن هم چندان منسجم و منظم نیست اما با همه‌ی این‌ها، مطالعه این کتاب برای متخصصانی که رویکرد تحلیل رفتار متقابل دارن یک الزامه. بعضی نکاتی که اریک برن در مورد نمایشنامه‌ها و پیش‌نویس زندگی در این کتاب اشاره می‌کنه واقعا مهم هستن و جای دیگه پیدا نمی‌شه.

در کل، این کتاب اصلا کتاب خودیاری مناسبی نیست. آشنایی قبلی با مفاهیم تحلیل رفتار متقابل نیازه و متن غیرمنسجم و گاه گیج‌کننده‌ای داره. همچنین برای مخاطب غیرروانشناس، خطر برچسب‌زنی‌های غیرضروری وجود داره.

امتیازم به کتاب ۳.۵ بود که به بالا گردش کردم.

[Sam Patterson · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is basically a psychology textbook telling you why people do what they do and what in their lives made them decide they had to make the choices they made. Extremely enlightening and interesting, if not a little outdated. There are also some very nice bedtime stories in this book.

[Cristina · Rating 5 out of 5]

I bought five more books as gifts to family and friends. This is one of those rare books that should make everyone's must read list.

[Jyotika Varmani · Rating 3 out of 5]

W-ell. I read Games People Play before this, and am a fan of it. Perhaps its not fair to make comparisons, but it is inevitable. That book was far more well organized, and made for a much better read than this one.

Berne introduces us to TA once again in the book, and his explanation is indeed very engaging and sensible. But somewhere down the line, the classification of every action into scripts gets as regressive as the boiling down of every act to the psychosexual stages. Though the author very defensively reminds us that he is all for free will and individual action, the book puts a contrary point of view across, especially with the checklist presented for getting a fair idea of a person's script.

Nonetheless, the book gives valuable information on how our early experiences pretty much shape up how we respond to different situations when we grow up. Berne's satirical yet very truthful digs at people's justification for their actions are interesting. Also, his analysis of fairy tales like Cinderella and Red Riding Hoood were the life of this book for me. Having said that, I also believe the book could have been shortened a bit, to avoid the monotony of the concept it delivers.

I would recommend reading the book, but please read Games People Play first, for the book makes numerous references to its material.

[James]

It is funny to consider that many of us live our lives such that they may resemble classic fairytales -though not necessarily with happy endings. This, while it isn't the point of the book, was a fun theme that ran through it. Fun psychology.

[Dr. Kat]

I liked the descriptions of transactional analysis. Author did good job of using characters from well known stories (i.e., Cinderella) as examples of analysis with his methodology. His approach in writing seems suggestive rather than conclusive, which is appropriate. Also he uses a martian perspective to explain an objective view of stories to explain his approach of critiquing situations and looking deeper to show how scripts intertwine for a group. I enjoyed that.

[Mirka · Rating 5 out of 5]

Warning: this book can shake your (un)happy life.

Finally, a psychology book that is not full of BS. Even though it was written in the fifties the content is very current, full of ironic jokes. After reading Games people play I was thirsty for more info in the transactional analysis.

In this book, you will learn more about parental programming, life scripts, games... and a lot about yourself and people around you. Enjoy!

[John Kane · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really changes everything I think about myself and where I'm headed. Will make you wonder why certain interactions go the ways they do. It has the potential to look deeply into who you are, identify what mistakes you make and why you make yourself do them. Book can be scary, must be necessary. Berne goes into interesting territories, but is able to pull you out for a breather with a 70's era non-pc zinger from time to time.

[Idea Smith · Rating 3 out of 5]

An easy & engaging layperson's guide to transactional analysis. This book was easier to read than 'Games People Play'. The constructs of Parent-Adult-Child are immensely useful in understanding conversations & relationships.

[Will Ansbacher · Rating 3 out of 5]

A potentially useful way of looking at interpersonal relations, characterized as ”scripts” that limit one’s spontaneous and creative aspirations. Scripts are a series of games created by one’s internalized Parent/Adult/Child that follow fixed rules laid down in childhood. It makes heavy use of material from Berne’s earlier work Games People Play.

The book is supposedly addressed to fellow professionals but, in an attempt to reach a wider general audience, Berne cloaked the message with pop psychology examples that are mired in mother-blaming, over-generalizations, unexamined assumptions and prejudices of the 50s and 60s, from where he drew his experience.

So I found it difficult to gain much helpful insight when on virtually every page there was something that would have me going, “oh for fuck’s sake!!” …

If the first-born in such cases is a girl instead of a boy, she may run into difficulties; this is often seen in the first-born daughters of bankers, who may be cast adrift to become homosexuals, strip-tease artists, or the wives of improvident and irresponsible Bohemians or trust-fund bums.
and:
Cassandra was a clergyman’s daughter who dressed in the sloppy but oddly erotic style of Loser Sex, and her life had the same quality: sloppy but oddly erotic.

Or these, which I’ll generously put down to Berne’s tendency to be a smart-arse:

In one case, where the mother told all the children they would end up in the state hospital, they all did. The girls ended up as patients, and the boys as psychiatrists.
and:
The mother’s influence is most clearly shown in certain types of drug addicts. As previously noted, these are encouraged with the slogan: ‘Heroin, shmeroin, what’s the difference as long as he loves his mother?’

I could go on, but what’s the point? This is a book that’s outlived its best-before date, which is unfortunate because Berne was clearly a compassionate and very able transactional analyst, as well as being a very clear-eyed behavioural scientist. But I’m sure there are far better books on the subject now.

On the positive side, he does make excellent use of fairy tales to illustrate various script-y interactions; I rather liked his analysis of Cinderella:

From a cynical point of view, the whole story sounds like a setup to allow father and godmother to spend the evening together.

As to the title, I still don’t know what to say after I say hello!
Barely 3 stars.

[Alex Giurgea · Rating 5 out of 5]

O carte care vine dupa "Games people play" ca o completare si rearanjare a conceptelor analizei tranzactionale din perspectiva psihoterapeutului. Descrie relatiile Parinte-Adult-Copil si Persecutor-Victima-Salvator imbinand teoria cu exemple practice. O viziune interesanta asupra liberului arbitru si a posibilitatilor autonomiei scenariului de viata al copilului comparat cu istoria familiei. Cu siguranta e una din cartile la care o sa mai revin.

[Amalia Petre · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the best pshychology books I've read. It doesn't matter whether or not you are familiar with concepts like transactional analysis or psyhcoanalysis, this book provides answers to some important questions. It helped me find meaning behind my behavioral patterns. Sometimes, the temptation of overdiagnosing myself was strong, though.

[Ankur Chawla · Rating 2 out of 5]

lengthy/.//however informative.

[Nadia's Library · Rating 4 out of 5]

An insightful read, bringing together the ideas we accumulated during childhood and how it translates into adulthood and how that not only affects our relationships and therefore communication, but also our perceptions of it, how the 'script' may be altered or changed, and ultimately bring about happiness and success.

[Ferenc · Rating 4 out of 5]

Just as remarkable as Games People Play, the only wrong thing about it is the title that says nothing about what's going on here. Eric Berne builds the topics from the mentioned book into something bigger, the theory of life scripts we inherit from our parents that are taking control of our lives without even knowing about them. Despite the fact this book makes you feel heavy in your chest at times, it is written in a very entertaining way, it is even kind of magical. You'll read about fairytales, Greek dramas, totem animals here just as many times as about transactional analysis, and that's part of the message, these stories affect your own life, your own destiny more than anything else. This book will definitely make you re-think your choices you've made in your life and consider how much of those were truly yours. I'd recommend this book (together with Games People Play) to everyone who has ever been thinking that something is not OK with the way they live.

[Hryuh · Rating 3 out of 5]

Оценить эту книгу мне сложно. Как писатель Берн довольно плох, как психолог сойдёт - он выкопал интересные темы, но как и многие его собратья, любит он впихнуть невпихуемое и подарить каждому по сценарию... хотя всё несколько сложнее, что я могу видеть на разных примерах. Разные жизненные сферы складываются в разных парадигмах и с разными убеждениями. То, что отлично укладывается в схему романтических отношений, совершенно не идёт в схему дружеских. Семья развивается иначе нежели карьера и так далее. Наверное, это есть в какой-нибудь схема-терапии, но я пока не добралась.
При всем при этом меня натолкнуло на много много мыслей и очень продуктивных. Не совсем так разложенных, как в книге, да и бралась я её читать уже дойдя до некоторых осознаний, но в общем фефект очень позитивный. В нужное время в нужном месте.

[Toby · Rating 3 out of 5]

Berne was the founder of Transactional Analysis and as such this is a very important work. However I found it hard going at times, and more recent writing summarising his work is a lot more concise and readable.

[Stephen Coates · Rating 1 out of 5]

The title notwithstanding, the book is all about what Dr. Berne refers to as “scripting” which might be useful to psychiatrists but for a 420 page book, it’s about 415 pages too long and the question posed by the title is not addressed.

[Arun Ramamurthy · Rating 3 out of 5]

A continuation of theory of TA's to Script Analysis - but you wonder if the theory holds good in practical life

[Valerie]

Who says I'm going to say hello? Where are the guidebooks for the hermits? You know, with chapters like "How to weave sackcloth", or "When to harvest locust beans"?

[Nick James · Rating 4 out of 5]

So, fascinated by Berne's 'Games People Play' and having read a fair bit more about Transactional Analysis, I read this one which takes it all a level deeper.

This book is about Script Analysis. Berne's thesis runs that we are programmed by our parents with a script for life which can be as a Winner, a Loser, or a Non-Winner. This plays out in all major life decisions we take unless/until we become Adult (that's the capitalised PAC Adult from TA there) enough to divorce ourselves from our love affair with our opposite gendered parent and shed the injunctions given us by our same-gendered parent (lower case genetic parents here)

So for example Losers aren't failing to win; by and large they are succeeding in losing because their outcome is what they were programmed to do. Often they like staying that way in their comfort zone of denial and 'blame the unfair world' making miserable progress even in therapy. But the Script Analyst offers them a contract: Allow your inner Adult to discard your parent's script, and step out into the real world fully cured. Of course that can be difficult for the patient, but Berne's book is for the would-be therapist.

Now, I love his stuff because it helps me understand my life. In TA terms both my parents were (PAC terms capitalised) Children, and so I became an Adult (while still a child) to try and make sense of all their random self absorbed contradictions.

I became a successful student and then professional and was regularly promoted to management positions where I wasn't so brilliant (the Peter Principle). Script-wise I remained in a 'You're OK, I'm not OK' state until I was about 50. In TA terms my inner Child was unable to direct others with confidence because I had no experience of Parenting from my own non-Parent parents.

My Script was as a Non-Winner (even though I was always promoted and successful it was always because I was strong in the role of jumping through hoops, not in managing others to do so)
Fascinating (for me) stuff.

In my 50s I became an ex-pat and gradually shed the limiting injunctions of my family while embracing foreign cultures. Yes, now at almost 70, I can look back on my life and Scriptwise it makes perfect sense.

Berne remains a self-absorbed weirdo promoting his own ideas as if they were pre-existing established God-given mainstream and he's just explaining/defending them. Nearly all his references are to either his own work or that of his acolytes.

Anyway it works for me. My understanding of life is better for it.

[Sia · Rating 4 out of 5]

A fost o adevarata provocare si delectare sa citesc aceasta carte.
Mi-a fost imprumutata de o persoana super cool si ma simt putin flatata ca mi-a imprumutat o carte de specialitate, cu limbaj greoi si concepte putin dificile.
Analiza tranzactionala e un concept fancy aparut prin anii '50, dar interesant definit.
Mi-a placut mult stilul autorului, putin jucaus, cu un limbaj aparte.
Deocamdata nu ii gasesc o aplicabilitate concreta in viata mea(ori sunt greu de cap, ori am un scenariu de invingator), dar cu siguranta imi e utila in alta aspecte.

Jeder şade la pian și-și plimbă degetele pe claviatură. Sulul de hârtie, imprimat cu multă vreme în urmă de strămosii lui, se roteşte încet. Muzica se revarsă într-un tipar pe care el nu-l poate schimba — uneori melancolică, alteori veselă, acum stridentă, acum melodioasă. Din când în când, Jeder ia un acord, uneori vocal, al cărui sunet poate să se combine perfect cu ceea ce e scris sau să tulbure curgerea lină a melodiei sorții. Se oprește să se odihnească, fiindcă sulul e mai gros decât papirusul legii din templu. El cuprinde legea și profeții, cântecele și lamentările, un vechi testament și unul nou: un cadou cu adevărat magnific, mediocru, sumbru sau jalnic, pe care i l-au oferit bucată cu bucată părinții lui iubitori, indiferenți sau plini de ură. Nutreşte iluzia că muzica îi aparține și, pentru asta, are martor propriul corp, care obopre tot mai mult cu fiecare oră și fiecare zi de lovit neîncetat
atură. Uneori, în timpul pauzelor, se ridică să facă o plecăciune sau să primească huiduieli de la rude și prieteni, ale cred, de asemenea, că melodia pe care o cânta îi aparține."

[Anamaria · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excepțională!
,,Majoritatea oamenilor își petrec viața învăluiți confortabil în matricea scenariului lor. E patul pe care li l-au așternut părinții și la care nu au mai adăugat ei înșiși câteva decorațiuni."
,,Fiecare persoană îşi modelează propria sa viaţă. Libertatea îi dă puterea de a efectua creaţiile sale proprii, iar puterea îi dă libertatea de a interfera cu modelele altora."
"Fiecare persoană decide în copilăria timpurie felul în care va trăi şi felul în care va muri. Acest plan se numeşte script (scenariu de viaţă)."
,,Un pierzător nu ştie ce va face dacă pierde, dar vorbeşte despre ce va face dacă câştigă. Un câştigător nu vorbeşte despre ce va face dacă câştigă, dar ştie ce va face dacă pierde."

[Biblioworm · Rating 3 out of 5]

Я слушал в русском переводе, и в нем она называет "Люди которые играют в игры", так что я вначале ошибочно подумал что это и есть та первая книга.

К сожалению, эот не так, и хотя ее можно и самостоятельно читать, но у меня постоянно было ощущение что автор базируется на идеях, изложенных в той первой книге, поэтому местами я совсем не мог понять о чем он.

Понравился подход с попыткой классифицировать вроде бы неклассифицируемое.

Есть большие сомнения, что в результате получился инструмент, который любой может исопльзовать.
Но важна сама попытка, а также сама уверенность в том что хотя все эти вещи сильно влияют на нашу жизнь, их можно осознать и, за счет этого, корректировать.

[Dincio · Rating 2 out of 5]

I used to like transactional analysis, but have come to mostly discard if as it seems to categorically be against confrontation. Sometimes it's necessary. Also, the claim that a person's entries character is defined by the first years of their childhood (central in the book) has been mostly disproven. "The Nurture Assumption" and "Behave" are good books to read if you're interested in more modern approaches to modeling childhood and human behaviour.

[Victoria Zabuzova · Rating 4 out of 5]

До таких книжок мають бути попередження - тригерить, перед читанням обкладіться заспокійливими і контактами терапевта чи його проксі.
Це не приємне читання, але абсолютний мастрід для всіх, хто прагне розуміти людей, та/або для схильних до саморефлексії.