What We Say Matters: Practicing Nonviolent Communication

by Judith Hanson Lasater

Have you ever tried to tell someone what you want only to feel misunderstood and frustrated? Or hesitated to ask for what you needed because you didn't want to burden the other person? Or been stuck in blame or anger that wouldn't go away?

Judith and Ike Lasater, long-term students of yoga and Buddhism, experienced dilemmas like these, too. Even though they had studied the yoga principle of satya (truth) and the Buddhist precept of right speech, it was not until they began practicing Marshall Rosenberg's techniques of Nonviolent Communication (NVC) that they understood how to live satya and right speech.

In What We Say Matters, Judith and Ike describe their journey through NVC and how speech becomes a spiritual practice based on giving and receiving with compassion—everywhere, all the time—whether at home, at work, or in the world. Their writing is deeply personal, punctuated by their recounts of trial and error, success and failure, laughter and challenge—even in writing this book! They guide you through an introduction to NVC with clear explanations, poignant examples, suggested exercises, and helpful resources. With practice, you'll learn new ways to:

   • extend empathy to yourself and others
   • distinguish between feelings and needs
   • make requests rather than demands
   • choose connection over conflict
   • create mutually satisfying outcomes

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology, Communication, Self Help, Relationships, Spirituality, Business

179 pages, Kindle Edition

First published October 1, 2009

Reviews

[Meagan Sullivan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Better introduction to Nonviolent Communication than Marshall Rosenberg's original book, in my view, as it addresses some common pitfalls that seem to emerge from MBR's explanation of the principles.

[Rebekah · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was difficult for me—I struggled with feeling that if everyone implemented the practices the authors describe, the world would be SO MUCH BETTER and feeling embarrassed by how awkward some of the phrasing they suggest is ("duck index"? "seduce me with your needs"?). I can see this approach working far better in my personal relationships than in my professional ones, where the level of explanation I feel I would need to give not to feel ridiculous would far exceed the bounds of what's appropriate.

That said: I suspect I'll end up rereading this. The principles of nonviolent communication, and particularly of needs assessment (both your and others'), seem at their core to be incredibly valuable. I think I'll need a few more passes through the text to filter out some of what made me feel so awkward, and another few to deal with whether the language or the actual intention is what's causing that awkwardness, but eventually I can see this making a difference in how I communicate.

[Sana · Rating 5 out of 5]

"When I hear _, I feel _, because I need _; would you be willing to _". I always felt words hold so much power and this book reaffirms that thought, and there can indeed be a way to communicate both honestly and kindly. I understand deeply how words can be passed down generations as "emotional DNA" and can go on to shape your sense of self. The way you express your needs and the way you empathize with the needs of others is key to a loving connection - "When we choose to hear the other's statement as 'please hear my pain' we have the choice to act in a way that will connect us with them".

The idea of "spiritual speech" was new to me but I enjoyed the idea of connecting to what is alive in you, to focus on the sensations in your belly, in your body, to be able to name what is going on inside you. Behind my words of bitterness or anger is a part of me that is looking for compassion and empathy. To be mindful of your words is to be mindful of what is in you. "what it means to speak in a spiritual way: 'it respects the conditions in which all members of the world community can live in dignity and freedom, without destroying each other's chances of livelihood, society, or culture'"

The book shares several useful tools, of which one I will implement in my life is building celebration into my relationship structure and creating a space to do it every day. I love the idea of consistently celebrating how the other person is enriching my life. I thought it was interesting how our discomfort with compliments stems from our fear that when we are good we also have the potential to be the opposite. So by translating them to "thank you for meeting my needs" we are reinforcing the fact that we can never be the source of someone else's happiness. "The fact that I met their needs was about their needs getting met, not about me being good or right."

Lastly, I want to recall the importance of being clear about our feelings and needs- also known as practicing satya and right speech. "Our culture fosters an assumption that many women absorb: women are not to have any needs. Many men seem to absorb the teaching from the culture that men are not to have any feelings. Of course these rigid notions are a strategy to helps people feel safe. But the irony is that we feel much safer in relationships when we are clear about our feelings and needs. This is true for two basic reasons. First, we feel safer when our partner reveals what he is feeling, because unexpressed feelings are often received as aggression. We sense when someone is angry or upset, especially if we live with that person in an intimate relationship. So when they express their feelings in a way that we can hear, we often feel relief, even if we don't have a solution to the stimulus for their feelings."

[Holly · Rating 4 out of 5]

Non violent communication sounded like something I could do with reading since in the past much of my communication has been laced with angst or upset, and on the whole I found this book a rewarding and engaging read. However I did have a few nitpicks, such as, like a previous reviewer mentioned, some of the phrasing that is used; "seduce me with your needs" just sounds like something I wouldn't be able to say to anyone whilst keeping a straight face.

I did like the exercises at the end of each chapter and thought that they were a great way to interact with the information I had just learned, either alone or with another or others. The four components of non violent communication and the four communication choices were both sections that I will reread again and again and hope that they become ingrained in me, as well as the focus on giving empathy, both to yourself and others. To be honest I think I would definitely benefit from some self empathy as well as learning to listen to myself.

I'd say overall that this book has made a good impression on me considering I wrote eighteen pages of notes from it.

[Adrielle · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was worth reading. Each chapter comes with prompts to practice, and they recommend working through it in community.

The focus is on increasing your skill around identifying and communicating your feelings and needs, but always grounded in empathy toward yourself and others.

[Angelina · Rating 3 out of 5]

YTT req reading… i was with it until they suggested practicing empathy for bin laden. there were useful tools and much better than our 30 min trainings at NB but the philosophy falls short in terms of dealing w anger abt the world & what is realistic to say out loud to a person lol

[Lou · Rating 4 out of 5]

Read review in its entirety at http://www.compassbookratings.com/rev...

Husband and wife, Ike and Judith Lancaster, incite deeper meaning into the familiar saying: “Think before you speak”, with their composition, What We Say Matters: Practicing Nonviolent Communication.

Arranged into nine chapters, Judith and Ike introduce the concept of Nonviolent Communication (sometimes referred to as NVC), and then expound upon the principles and how to use them within our different interactions with family, friends, coworkers, and even strangers. At the completion of every chapter is a concise overview with tasks to help you implement the teachings.

Students of Marshall Rosenburg, the creator of Nonviolent Communication, both Ike and Judith narrate their application of the module, their successes, and at times their laughable conundrums.

Initially, the reading may come across as artificial or too utopian, and the language technical, but as you delve further into the book you may find that as the authors share their personal feelings and experiences, the mind becomes accustomed to the language and the prior perceived rigidness will take a back seat.

Observers of the yoga sutras and Buddhism, the authors use the functional practice of NVC and combine it with the spiritual methods of “right speech” or satya, meaning truth. Although the reader does not need to be a practitioner of yoga or Buddhism, some familiarity with the practices would be beneficial to help the reader be more open-minded to the concepts taught.

The core concept of the book is to create introspection within yourself, so even if you find that “right speech” isn't right for you, or find bits and pieces to implement in your own life, it is all about the underlying intention – being connected with ourselves first and then with others.

[Zippy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Good tools

Easy reading. The authors provide good tools that are logical and applicable. Many good examples of different tools, scenarios and they also give different practice situations for homework.

[Vern Stevens · Rating 3 out of 5]

I found some interesting material and useful ideas in this book, but there were so many references to Marshall Rosenberg that I felt I should just have read his book instead.

[Adam · Rating 4 out of 5]

Not as thorough as Marshall Rosenberg's "Nonviolent Communication" nevertheless this book gives another perspective and some good exercises for practicing NVC and NVC thinking.

[Renáta-Adrienn · Rating 4 out of 5]

"All criticism is the tragic expression of unmet needs."

[Cherie · Rating 3 out of 5]

An excellent overview on NVC, but waaaaay into detail and I kind of began losing interest towards the end of the book.

[Mary-lou · Rating 3 out of 5]

My yoga classes this term were based around Patanjali's sutra 1:33
(Undisturbed calmness of mind is attained by cultivating friendliness toward the happy,compassion for the unhappy, delight in the virtuous, and indifference toward the wicked.--Prabhavananda and Isherwood )
I wanted to look at this sutra broadly as being about relationships and that the relationships we have depend on a mix between compassion and assertiveness. I decided that this book would be a good guide for that.
I had previously read Marshall Rosenberg's book on non violent communication and liked the way JHLasater was combining NVC with yoga. I found the book helpful to give homework tasks for students and myself in relation to learning what we really wanted and then expressing it in a compassionate way. I don't think the book would be as interesting to someone who was not already familiar with yoga and I can't imagine taking on the NVC mode of communication as my habitual way of communicating but I can see its usefulness ( if I could just remember to use it when I need it ).

[Michael McEwen · Rating 4 out of 5]

There is a lot of good information in here. I found that much of it aligned with what I already practice in communication (empathy and patience), but it also helped me to see the benefit of extending that structure to include needs and feeling and to work on excluding judgments.

I see that lots of reviews talk about how silly some of this sounds and I completely get that. I couldn’t ever say “Seduce you with my needs” out loud, but I still think there is value in communicating that sentiment in other ways.

I read this hoping to figure out how to bridge political gaps and if there is any disappointment it’s that I don’t think there are any easy answers here. However the real point is that we only have control over what we do or say and how we feel about those things.

[Milena · Rating 5 out of 5]

I feel like as much as we are all capable of speaking, this book is the missing part in my ‘learning to talk education’, as trivial as building real sentences with words in the way we’re both satisfied with what we said and what we actually mean. Also very practical and full of examples which will guide you through NVC process proving how kind and non-manipulative a successful communication can be. It can bring a lot of peace into your speech as well and makes it easy to convert reaction into response. This book is a brilliant way to enhance your relations with other human beings in all areas of life, and most importantly, with yourself.

[Tara · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a human resources professional, struggling with workplace communications and interpersonal differences, I chose to read this for some insights and tangible guidance. Found this to be a quick, digestible, and practical read. Sort of glossed over (glazed over at?) the bits referring to yoga and "spirituality", but was able to draw meaningful connections between the authors' messages and applicability to life, both personal and professional. Suggested exercises at the end of each chapter render this a truly useful guide for helping to put the theory into daily practice.

[Paiman Chen · Rating 4 out of 5]

The next time you’re in a big, chaotic group environment, such as a conference, try practicing silent self-empathy. Simply write down how you feel and which of your needs are not being met. Even if you don’t speak up about these unfulfilled needs, this practice of silent self-empathy will create a shift in you – and in the group as a whole.

[Aliesha · Rating 4 out of 5]

As with many books on communication, the scripts sound awkward and stilted BUT for learning to think about anger and frustration as unmet needs, and for learning how to identify those needs, this book was great.

[Peter Green · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book made a huge difference in how I think about others and hence how I communicate with them. My kids now use the patterns in the book to resolve conflicts. Highly recommended.

[Holly Beavers · Rating 3 out of 5]

It's a good short book, and a little text book-y

[Rebecca · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good book despite the off-putting title! Picked this up on my counsellor's recommendation when I was having a hard time with a job that clashed with my personality.

[Raffaello Palandri · Rating 5 out of 5]

Book of the Day – What We Say Matters

Today’s Book of the Day is WHAT WE SAY MATTERS, written by Judith Hanson Lasater and Ike K. Lasater in 2022 and published by Shambhala.

Judith Hanson Lasater is a prolific author, a yoga teacher, and one of the founders of Yoga Journal magazine. She holds a doctorate in East-West psychology and is a physical therapist.
She teaches Yoga by mixing asana, kinesiology, yoga therapeutics, and Yoga Sutras. She is a pioneer in the teaching and practice of Restorative yoga.

Ike K. Lasater, her husband, is a mediator, a lawyer, an author, and a teacher. He worked with Marshall Rosenberg on the creation of Non-Violent Communication and helps organizations and individuals to collaborate better so that to achieve their desired outcomes. He teaches Yoga and Aikido.

I have chosen this book for two reasons: the first is that, as a Buddhist – I am an ordained priest living as a lay person – I practice non-violence, the second is that, as a coach and consultant I talk about improving personal, professional, and team communication using Marshall Rosenberg‘s tools and principles.

This book’s approach is that language can be seen, and used, as a spiritual practice based on exchanging messages, meanings, and requests with compassion.

In What We Say Matters, the authors, who are both practitioners and lecturers of Yoga and Buddhism, bring together two principles of these disciplines: Yoga’s satya (सत्य – truthfulness – one of the five Yamas) and Buddhist’s sammā-vācā (right speech – a part of the Noble Eightfold Path), joining them with Marshall Rosenberg’s techniques of Nonviolent Communication (NVC).

The book is rich in easy-to-follow, practical exercises to help readers in several aspects of their adoption of this innovative approach. The core idea is that we can become aware of the relevance of what we say and the value we can give to it by choosing an approach that is open, fair, and respectful.

Communication is not meant to win arguments. Is meant as a fundamental tool we, as humans, have developed to share what cannot be seen, our ideas, feelings, and emotions.

Some of the skills the readers will become aware of and will learn to use include:
Extending empathy to yourself and others
Learning to diffuse anger
Distinguishing between feelings and needs
Making requests rather than demands
Choosing connection over conflict
Creating mutually satisfying outcomes

This book is a second edition of the original, published in 2009. I have read both editions, and I find the ideas in the books inspiring, effective, and life-changing yet extremely practical, accessible, and easy to follow.

The concepts described propose to the readers a shift in the common understanding of what communication should be. With Non-Violent Communication we can embrace a huge improvement in how we share our ideas with others, making use of empathy and shared intentions.

The book is filled with positive intentions that promote love, caring, common sense, and respect, bringing back humanity in communication. An absolute must in everyone’s library.

[CTEP]

My book for this month was What We Say Matters: Practicing Nonviolent Communication written by Judith and Ike Lasater. As a yoga teacher and mediator, respectively, they blend their newfound techniques in Nonviolent Communication (NVC) with their practices of yoga and Buddhist principles. What We Say Matters follows their journey in practicing NVC, which was first inspired by Marshall Rosenberg’s techniques, to give readers a better understanding of NVC and examples/exercises for how to incorporate it into their own lives. Ideally, the outcome leaves readers with better methods for extending empathy to themselves and others, distinguishing between feelings and needs, and creating mutually satisfying outcomes.
My initial goal in reading this book was to develop better talking points when engaging with patrons and coworkers, but it quickly became something I could relate to every aspect of my life (personal and professional). I’m always looking for ways to improve communication, and as a digital literacy instructor, communication is essential! In my work setting, it can also be a very intimate thing. You never know what kind of request you’ll come across and often it will be a sensitive topic that puts the patron in a vulnerable position. That’s why it’s important to understand the difference between feelings and needs. Putting myself in their shoes and using the “training wheels sentence” for practicing NVC, it might come across a little like this: “When I hear you talk about attaching my resume to an email, I feel distressed, because I need clarity; would you be willing to go over the steps one more time?”
One thing I really appreciated in this book was the chapter on the four communication choices, specifically the communication style of giving empathy. The act of giving empathy can be manifested in two ways: silent and spoken. The key for both is to have an internal dialogue that starts with observation language where you assess the other person. According to What We Say Matters, you don’t have to be exact with what you think the other person feels/needs, “rather, it is the process of considering the other person after having empathized with your own needs that fuels the shift (p. 41). ” I have noticed in my time working directly with patrons of varying levels and with varying needs, that giving silent empathy can be the most powerful.
As I alluded to previously, NVC can be useful not only in a professional context, but a personal one as well. It might seem a little goofy at times (see “The Duck Index”), but I would recommend this book to other CTEP members because it provides a good foundation for successful and healthy communication. I, personally, struggle with conflating assertiveness with aggression, so having specific phrases and examples to go by is really helpful when I’m trying to find the right words to make a request.

[Lorena · Rating 5 out of 5]

Originally published in 2009, this book is an excellent way to learn about Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication (NVC). The Lasaters clearly explain both why and how to practice Nonviolent Communication in all areas of life. This revised 2022 edition contains new content about communication at work, including how to communicate effectively in meetings, performance evaluations, emails, and phone calls.

I found so much to appreciate about this book. The authors’ explanation of how NVC meets yogic concepts of ahimsa (nonharming) and satya (truth) as well as Buddhist right speech made sense to me. As they suggest, “unless we are connected with ourselves, with our feelings and needs, then our speech will not clearly reflect what is true for us.” “All criticism is the tragic expression of unmet needs.” Memorable little gems like that are sprinkled throughout the text, elucidating many of the pitfalls we experience while communicating. The authors also provide plenty of examples of communicating with and without following the steps of NVC so that it is easy to see how to put these steps into practice. After the general explanation of NVC, additional chapters provide specific guidance for communicating with romantic partners, children and parents, at work, and out in the world.

Since communicating effectively is an essential human need, this book has something to offer everyone.

Thanks to Shambhala for providing me with an ARC through NetGalley that I volunteered to review.

[Naomi · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is one of reference for me which I find myself referring back to again and again. The way it is written and the examples provided really bring-home the principles which may feel foreign to those of us who, 'have always had our way of doing things.' Whether it's being angry with a partner when they are late coming home from work, or suffering from anxiety and the fight to parcel through which thoughts are truth and farce. This book is a must for anyone who is tired of the way we all do things and wants a refreshing take on the way we interact with one another and ourselves.

[Jean-Sylvain · Rating 4 out of 5]

Divisé en neuf chapitres, ce livre montre ce qu’est la communication non-violente et comment la mettre en pratique dans notre vie de tout les jours. Si nous voulons améliorer le monde dans lequel nous vivons, être à l’écoute de ses propres besoins tout en validant et respectant ceux des autres me semble la voie à suivre. L’emploi de la parole juste est, en ce sens, incontournable. Changer sa façon de communiquer avec ses semblables reste néanmoins un apprentissage, et un travail à long terme, tout comme l’est la maîtrise d’une langue étrangère.

[Paula Castillo · Rating 5 out of 5]

A brilliant exploration of NVC. I have been working with NVC for a couple of years and this book helped me take my understanding to a whole new level.

My key takeaway from this book is that the NVC framework (observations, feelings, needs, requests) is a primarily a tool for connecting with oneself. Without this connection to self there cannot be a connection to other. Another helpful approach is to see the framework as training wheels to begin to distinguish our real needs so that we can connect from there. So simple and so powerful.

[Audio Athena · Rating 4 out of 5]

book review:

This book views communication skills through the lense of yoga's ethical practices (specifically the first two yamas: non-harm and truthfulness).

Reading this book feels like unlocking the secret to all interpersonal relationships.

However, actually developing the skill of nonviolent communication seems to take a lot of time, effort, reflection, and inner searching. We all have years of bad communication habits and thinking errors to break first.

[Chasingira · Rating 5 out of 5]

I highly recommend this book. It’s easy to follow, straight to the point, and it includes a lot of examples for every point.

I find the topic about observations vs judgements very helpful. It shifted my perspective when talking to people nowadays. And as someone who’s not great with communication, this book taught me practical lessons.

As early as now, I know that I’m going to re-read this book again.

[Amber · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was not familiar with the practice of nonviolent communication before I read this. It was life changing for me! Trying to put the concepts into practice has proven difficult, and I think practicing in workshops like the authors did would be extremely helpful. I love connections to yoga throughout the book and will be lending this book to multiple friends.