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The Lincolns: Portrait of a Marriage
The first full-length portrait of the marriage of Abraham and Mary Todd Lincoln in more than fifty years, The Lincolns is a fascinating new work of American history by Daniel Mark Epstein, an award-winning biographer and poet known for his passionate understanding of the Civil War period.
Although the private lives of political couples have in our era become front-page news, the true story of this extraordinary and tragic first family has never been fully told. The Lincolns eclipses earlier accounts with riveting new information that makes husband and wife, president and first lady, come alive in all their proud accomplishments and earthy humanity.
Epstein gives a fresh close-up view of the couple’s life in Springfield, Illinois (of their twenty-two years of marriage, all but six were spent there). We witness the troubled courtship of an aristocratic and bewitching Southern belle and a struggling young lawyer who concealed his great ambition with self-deprecating humor; the excitement and confusion of the newlyweds as they begin their marriage in a small room above a tavern, and the early signs of Mary’s instability and Lincoln’s moodiness; their joyful creation of a home on the edge of town as Lincoln builds his law practice and makes his first forays into politics. We discover their consuming ambition as Lincoln achieves celebrity status during his famed debates with Stephen A. Douglas, which lead to Lincoln’s election to the presidency.
The Lincolns’ ascent to the White House brought both dazzling power and the slow, secret unraveling of the couple’s unique bond. The Lincolns dramatizes certain well-known events with stunning new immediacy: Mary’s shopping sprees, her defrauding of the public treasury to increase her budget, and her jealousy, which made enemies for her and problems for the president. Yet she was also a brilliant hostess who transformed the shabby White House into a social center crucial to the Union’s success. After the death of their little boy, not a year after Lincoln took office, Mary turned for solace to spirit mediums, but her grief drove her to the edge of madness. In the end, there was little left of the Lincolns’ relationship save their enduring devotion to each other and to their surviving children.
Written with enormous sweep and striking imagery, The Lincolns is an unforgettable epic set at the center of a crucial American administration. It is also a heartbreaking story of how time and adversity can change people, and of how power corrupts not only morals but affections. Daniel Mark Epstein’s The Lincolns makes two immortal American figures seem as real and human as the rest of us.
Although the private lives of political couples have in our era become front-page news, the true story of this extraordinary and tragic first family has never been fully told. The Lincolns eclipses earlier accounts with riveting new information that makes husband and wife, president and first lady, come alive in all their proud accomplishments and earthy humanity.
Epstein gives a fresh close-up view of the couple’s life in Springfield, Illinois (of their twenty-two years of marriage, all but six were spent there). We witness the troubled courtship of an aristocratic and bewitching Southern belle and a struggling young lawyer who concealed his great ambition with self-deprecating humor; the excitement and confusion of the newlyweds as they begin their marriage in a small room above a tavern, and the early signs of Mary’s instability and Lincoln’s moodiness; their joyful creation of a home on the edge of town as Lincoln builds his law practice and makes his first forays into politics. We discover their consuming ambition as Lincoln achieves celebrity status during his famed debates with Stephen A. Douglas, which lead to Lincoln’s election to the presidency.
The Lincolns’ ascent to the White House brought both dazzling power and the slow, secret unraveling of the couple’s unique bond. The Lincolns dramatizes certain well-known events with stunning new immediacy: Mary’s shopping sprees, her defrauding of the public treasury to increase her budget, and her jealousy, which made enemies for her and problems for the president. Yet she was also a brilliant hostess who transformed the shabby White House into a social center crucial to the Union’s success. After the death of their little boy, not a year after Lincoln took office, Mary turned for solace to spirit mediums, but her grief drove her to the edge of madness. In the end, there was little left of the Lincolns’ relationship save their enduring devotion to each other and to their surviving children.
Written with enormous sweep and striking imagery, The Lincolns is an unforgettable epic set at the center of a crucial American administration. It is also a heartbreaking story of how time and adversity can change people, and of how power corrupts not only morals but affections. Daniel Mark Epstein’s The Lincolns makes two immortal American figures seem as real and human as the rest of us.
576 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 2008
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 115 reviews
November 22, 2020
“Marriage is a state of mysterious paradoxes and contradictions that unfold rapidly in a small room. Bride and groom find themselves naked as never before, and vulnerable, with perhaps greater need for cover. They begin in awe of each other's perfections, only to be dismayed when they discover flaws. The man who longed for comfort in a woman's arms suddenly feels suffocated, oppressed, wanting air. Lincoln had been a private and secretive man, always preferring to remain apart. How could he love this woman as he meant to love her while preserving the core of his being? And what is she to make of this man who, like an infinity of Chinese boxes, opens one after another to her in the effort to reveal his heart, and uncovers only one more box locked as tight as the one before? She is an open book, her emotions visible to all. Needing love, she finds herself one night ecstatic in the prospect of it, seeming to hold it for a joyful hour, only to awaken and find it insufficient, or that her need in response to his giving is redoubled.
- Daniel Mark Epstein, The Lincolns: Portrait of a Marriage
The line on Mary Todd Lincoln has always been that she was plain crazy, an unlikeable woman of fragile psyche who was ultimately pushed over the edge of madness by unendurable loss. This is definitely how many contemporaries viewed her. Indeed, Mary Lincoln’s grating personality might have saved the life of Ulysses Grant, as Grant’s wife Julia refused an invitation to Ford’s Theater because she could not stand Abraham Lincoln’s spouse.
In comparison to her husband, who became a national martyr, Mary’s faults are magnified to the point of distortion. Today, if she is remembered at all, it is typically unkindly.
Daniel Mark Epstein’s The Lincolns: Portrait of a Marriage invites you to take a more holistic view of a complicated woman, caught in a complicated relationship. While not a biography of Mary alone, she is finally given equal billing with her illustrious husband. Overall, Epstein treats her with compassion, but he can also be unsparing. This embracing of the good, the bad, and the contradictory make for a thought-provoking book.
The first thing that needs to be mentioned is that Portrait of a Marriage is intensely and admirably focused. Unlike many histories, which promise one thing in the subtitle, only to deliver another, Epstein is serious about keeping the narrative solely about the Lincoln marriage, to the avoidance of nearly everything else.
Certainly, this is a good thing – few of the 512 pages of text are wasted – but it comes with a warning: This is a better literary experience if you’ve already read a book or three or ten about the sixteenth president. That’s because Epstein isn’t too concerned about filling in any context. Indeed, he starts this tale with events already in motion, and with Abe Lincoln having just broken off his engagement to Mary (don’t worry – they get back together).
Epstein’s task, at its most basic level, is extremely difficult. A marriage can be an unknowable thing, not only to outsiders, but to the people living it as well. Not only does Epstein have to pierce this semi-impenetrable veil, but he has to reach far into the past to do so (hampered by the fact that eldest son Robert Lincoln got rid of many of his parent's less-flattering and more-personal correspondence). Epstein mostly accomplishes his goal by deep research, reasoned speculation, and lively, entertaining prose.
Portrait of a Marriage certainly adds to our understanding of Abraham Lincoln apart from his world-historical activities. Instead of dwelling on him as Commander-in-Chief during America’s bloodiest conflict, we discover a different Lincoln altogether, a Lincoln who was vacillating and indecisive in love (Mary Todd was the second engagement that Lincoln broke), a Lincoln who worried about contracting syphilis, a Byron-loving Lincoln whose ruminations about love are hilariously awkward across the centuries. This is a portrait of an evolving father, who essentially gave up on disciplining his children after Robert, and who had much closer relationships with Willie and Tad than he did with his firstborn, who survived them all. We see an indulgent and patient husband, almost Job-like in his ability to withstand his wife's tantrums and mood swings.
Epstein’s portrayal of Mary is even more fascinating, and nuanced. At times, the tempestuous, perennially-immature, uncouth, tone-deaf woman of legend comes to the fore. She took out her jealousies on others, especially young women (such as famed beauty Kate Chase) who she thought attracted her husband’s deeply sad eyes. Almost an entire chapter is spent on a spending spree in New York City, where Mary racked up enormous debts that she then tried to hide from her husband and Congress. As a therapy shopper myself, I understand the impulse, but she dropped sums that are jaw dropping even today, without adjusting for inflation.
At other times, you see a much more sympathetic depiction: A woman who loved her children and tried to protect them; who was dealt great losses early and often, and formulated a response to that; who was politically shrewd and of strong, well-formed beliefs; who provided advice and thrust to her ambitious husband (or perhaps gave him some of her own ambition, as her stated goal was to marry a man who'd be president); and who visited wounded and dying soldiers without flinching. She was also involved in a debilitating carriage accident that – in light of what we know about concussions – may have altered her brain chemistry. On top of all that, she shared her life with a melancholic husband who was a bit distracted trying to save democracy.
One of the things that struck me most in Portrait of a Marriage is Epstein’s fine handling of Abraham Lincoln’s final hours, unconscious and dying in a boarding house across the street from Ford’s Theater. During this long death watch, Mary was alternately crying, screaming hysterically, and fainting. Frankly, I find that these are all within the range of acceptable emotional responses when your spouse has been murdered while sitting next to you, holding your hand. Secretary of War Edwin Stanton, though, disagreed, and shouted: “Take that woman out and do not let her in again!”
And thus Lincoln died surrounded by his political acquaintances, his generals, a bevy of useless doctors, and a historical sightseer or two, while his wife awaited the news in the parlor, banned from entering further.
Certainly, Mary Lincoln was a difficult personality, but it is hard not to read a powerful strain of male chauvinism into reactions towards her, both then and now.
Epstein ends his book with the death of Lincoln, refusing to follow Mary’s solitary journey into declining mental health, increasing isolation, and death at the age of sixty-three. I was fine with this decision, since Portrait of a Marriage is full to brimming with sadness and despair, and I really did not want to continue this particular journey much longer.
Mary Todd was married to Abraham Lincoln for twenty-three years. When she met him, he was a gangly young lawyer and political hopeful. By the time their marriage ended, on April 15, 1865, that same man had altered the trajectory of world events, with her by his side. With Abraham Lincoln’s passing, he no longer belonged to his wife, but to history and time itself. That must have made their separation all the more personally wrenching. Mary may not deserve her husband’s immortality, but she certainly deserves better than she has received from posterity.
- Daniel Mark Epstein, The Lincolns: Portrait of a Marriage
The line on Mary Todd Lincoln has always been that she was plain crazy, an unlikeable woman of fragile psyche who was ultimately pushed over the edge of madness by unendurable loss. This is definitely how many contemporaries viewed her. Indeed, Mary Lincoln’s grating personality might have saved the life of Ulysses Grant, as Grant’s wife Julia refused an invitation to Ford’s Theater because she could not stand Abraham Lincoln’s spouse.
In comparison to her husband, who became a national martyr, Mary’s faults are magnified to the point of distortion. Today, if she is remembered at all, it is typically unkindly.
Daniel Mark Epstein’s The Lincolns: Portrait of a Marriage invites you to take a more holistic view of a complicated woman, caught in a complicated relationship. While not a biography of Mary alone, she is finally given equal billing with her illustrious husband. Overall, Epstein treats her with compassion, but he can also be unsparing. This embracing of the good, the bad, and the contradictory make for a thought-provoking book.
The first thing that needs to be mentioned is that Portrait of a Marriage is intensely and admirably focused. Unlike many histories, which promise one thing in the subtitle, only to deliver another, Epstein is serious about keeping the narrative solely about the Lincoln marriage, to the avoidance of nearly everything else.
Certainly, this is a good thing – few of the 512 pages of text are wasted – but it comes with a warning: This is a better literary experience if you’ve already read a book or three or ten about the sixteenth president. That’s because Epstein isn’t too concerned about filling in any context. Indeed, he starts this tale with events already in motion, and with Abe Lincoln having just broken off his engagement to Mary (don’t worry – they get back together).
Epstein’s task, at its most basic level, is extremely difficult. A marriage can be an unknowable thing, not only to outsiders, but to the people living it as well. Not only does Epstein have to pierce this semi-impenetrable veil, but he has to reach far into the past to do so (hampered by the fact that eldest son Robert Lincoln got rid of many of his parent's less-flattering and more-personal correspondence). Epstein mostly accomplishes his goal by deep research, reasoned speculation, and lively, entertaining prose.
Portrait of a Marriage certainly adds to our understanding of Abraham Lincoln apart from his world-historical activities. Instead of dwelling on him as Commander-in-Chief during America’s bloodiest conflict, we discover a different Lincoln altogether, a Lincoln who was vacillating and indecisive in love (Mary Todd was the second engagement that Lincoln broke), a Lincoln who worried about contracting syphilis, a Byron-loving Lincoln whose ruminations about love are hilariously awkward across the centuries. This is a portrait of an evolving father, who essentially gave up on disciplining his children after Robert, and who had much closer relationships with Willie and Tad than he did with his firstborn, who survived them all. We see an indulgent and patient husband, almost Job-like in his ability to withstand his wife's tantrums and mood swings.
Epstein’s portrayal of Mary is even more fascinating, and nuanced. At times, the tempestuous, perennially-immature, uncouth, tone-deaf woman of legend comes to the fore. She took out her jealousies on others, especially young women (such as famed beauty Kate Chase) who she thought attracted her husband’s deeply sad eyes. Almost an entire chapter is spent on a spending spree in New York City, where Mary racked up enormous debts that she then tried to hide from her husband and Congress. As a therapy shopper myself, I understand the impulse, but she dropped sums that are jaw dropping even today, without adjusting for inflation.
At other times, you see a much more sympathetic depiction: A woman who loved her children and tried to protect them; who was dealt great losses early and often, and formulated a response to that; who was politically shrewd and of strong, well-formed beliefs; who provided advice and thrust to her ambitious husband (or perhaps gave him some of her own ambition, as her stated goal was to marry a man who'd be president); and who visited wounded and dying soldiers without flinching. She was also involved in a debilitating carriage accident that – in light of what we know about concussions – may have altered her brain chemistry. On top of all that, she shared her life with a melancholic husband who was a bit distracted trying to save democracy.
One of the things that struck me most in Portrait of a Marriage is Epstein’s fine handling of Abraham Lincoln’s final hours, unconscious and dying in a boarding house across the street from Ford’s Theater. During this long death watch, Mary was alternately crying, screaming hysterically, and fainting. Frankly, I find that these are all within the range of acceptable emotional responses when your spouse has been murdered while sitting next to you, holding your hand. Secretary of War Edwin Stanton, though, disagreed, and shouted: “Take that woman out and do not let her in again!”
And thus Lincoln died surrounded by his political acquaintances, his generals, a bevy of useless doctors, and a historical sightseer or two, while his wife awaited the news in the parlor, banned from entering further.
Certainly, Mary Lincoln was a difficult personality, but it is hard not to read a powerful strain of male chauvinism into reactions towards her, both then and now.
Epstein ends his book with the death of Lincoln, refusing to follow Mary’s solitary journey into declining mental health, increasing isolation, and death at the age of sixty-three. I was fine with this decision, since Portrait of a Marriage is full to brimming with sadness and despair, and I really did not want to continue this particular journey much longer.
Mary Todd was married to Abraham Lincoln for twenty-three years. When she met him, he was a gangly young lawyer and political hopeful. By the time their marriage ended, on April 15, 1865, that same man had altered the trajectory of world events, with her by his side. With Abraham Lincoln’s passing, he no longer belonged to his wife, but to history and time itself. That must have made their separation all the more personally wrenching. Mary may not deserve her husband’s immortality, but she certainly deserves better than she has received from posterity.
July 25, 2022
Edit: I must have been feeling generous the day I gave this three stars. I'm changing it to two, because, yeesh, this book.
This is a nonfiction book that reads like a novel! And I don’t really mean that as a compliment.
I could tell early on that this book was not quite for me. Epstein is a poet and a playwright in addition to being a biographer. So this book is brimming with lots of flowery, inventive language, from the early days of the Lincolns’ relationship, when “the yellow leaves of the cottonwoods and sycamore, the scarlet leaves of the maples, signaled autumn in its glory... Such calm evenings, when Venus shone, seemed made for lovers," to the last tragic day they were to be together, when we abruptly switch to the present tense to learn that “the April days are long. Hold back the light. Let the day never dawn that looks upon his death. As if in sympathy the dawn is suspended. The sun struggles with the clouds of night and the morning drizzle of rain. Dawn is delayed and comes in a dark cloak.”
Is it bad writing? Not necessarily. Just not really my cup of tea. I can accept that sometimes the imaginatively inventive details - describing how the moon looked one night, or how the flowers bloomed the next day - are permissible storytelling liberties that can help immerse you in the Lincolns’ world, even if it’s not necessarily 100% factually documentable. Other times, however, the excessively fanciful expressions become distracting, and still other times they’re clearly just figments of Epstein’s imagination.
At times, I had to wonder whether this book was biography or historical fiction. "He extinguished the lamp and came upstairs. He took off his clothing and lay down beside her... They made love under the eaves in the soft fragrant air of June." Is this biography or Harlequin romance fan fiction?
The book aims to tell the story of the Lincoln marriage. So it generally focuses only on things that Mary and Abraham experienced together. Lincoln’s Cooper Union speech, for example, gets a paragraph, his Gettysburg Address a couple of oblique sentences, and the only Lincoln-Douglas debate described in any detail is the last one, since that’s the one Mary happened to have attended. Background knowledge about events during, and leading up to, the Lincoln presidency is, therefore, assumed - as the Lincolns’ lives, and not their times, are the heart of the story.
It’s difficult, though, to analyze anyone’s marriage, since only the two people who are in it know everything there is to know about the relationship. Analyzing a marriage from more than a century and a half ago is that much more difficult. All the more reason, perhaps, that the Lincoln marriage fascinates and puzzles us to this day. Was Mary crazy, abusive and manic like she’s made out to be? Was Abraham moody and emotionally distant? What did these two see in each other?
Epstein attempts to analyze the relationship, while attempting to offer profound thoughts about the nature of marriage itself. The closest he comes to diagnosing the dynamics of the Lincolns’ relationship is that the more Mary desired and pushed for Abraham to succeed, the more she wanted him all to herself, yet his required absences and responsibilities strained that idealized relationship. Mary’s outbursts and bad behavior are explained in this context, as she’s treated mostly sympathetically throughout the book - too sympathetically, at times, as Epstein notes passively at one point that a "disoriented, destabilized" Mary, upon becoming First Lady, was "set upon by scoundrels who corrupted her," as though she had no agency in her actions.
There are thorough descriptions of the Lincolns’ travels together, and plenty of details about the plays they saw and the entertainments they attended. But too often, there are also embellished and downright apocryphal stories that tarnish the book’s believability, far more so than the more benignly creative descriptions of the moon or the leaves on the trees.
I have not written a book about Abraham Lincoln. But I’ve read enough of them by now that when I come across a Lincoln anecdote I’ve not seen before, it seems suspect. So you would think that an author writing a book about Abraham Lincoln would think the same thing when he comes upon a Lincoln anecdote that he hasn’t read before. Yet no anecdote seems too suspect for Epstein to tell, if it enhances his story.
In one case he relates, in great and dramatic detail, Lincoln's surprise appearance before a congressional committee investigating Mary's possible treason, which was so persuasive a performance on Lincoln’s part that the investigation was immediately shut down. Many others have discredited this story, pointing out that the first documented description of it was a third-hand account published some four decades later. Yet Epstein tells it anyway, adding details of his own that weren't even in the original telling.
Other stories are not apocryphal, so much as they are extraordinarily embellished - Epstein either misunderstood the gist of a story he discovered, or purposely exaggerated it to enliven his story. One source described how, after arriving in town for a debate with Douglas, Lincoln was taken to the mayor’s house, where the mayor drew a refreshing bath for him. In Epstein’s telling, this mundane episode becomes “a ritual bath,” in which Lincoln was “ceremoniously stripped and scrubbed,” with the mayor acting as “Master of the Bath” - a public display so scandalously undignified that Mary immediately resolved to accompany Lincoln to his next debate.
Another anecdote involves a Union soldier’s story about recovering a, presumably inert, bomb disguised as a piece of coal that had been displayed on Jefferson Davis’s desk in his abandoned Confederate White House. Epstein takes this to mean that a live bomb loomed inches away as Lincoln himself sat at the desk after the fall of Richmond. “No one at the time noticed,” he writes, the “camouflaged bomb designed to blow up a ship's boiler, powerful enough to have killed everyone in the room." Perhaps because it wasn’t there anymore when Lincoln was there, and there was no danger of it exploding even if it had been?
Epstein also imagines scenes of a despondent Lincoln who was discovered “thrashing and raving” in his room after his youthful breakup with Mary, and a later scene in which Mary supposedly helped to compose Lincoln’s first inaugural address, with no documentation cited for either.
By the book’s end, Lincoln’s assassination is dramatically described. And then, save for a short epilogue in which the fate of the other Lincolns is briefly recounted, the book ends without any kind of grand conclusion about what we are to make of the Lincolns’ relationship after all this. If you can get past the florid prose, the exaggerated and fabricated details, and the oddly offputting, recurring imaginative references to the Lincolns’ sex life (“She drew her hand along the side of the pillows and tenderly smoothed and shaped them. Now the bed was ready for her husband, for a night’s sleep or an hour of lovemaking”), you may come away with a slightly better appreciation for Mary and Abraham as actual humans instead of distant historical figures. But if the Lincoln marriage puzzled us before this book came along - after this book, it puzzles us still.
This is a nonfiction book that reads like a novel! And I don’t really mean that as a compliment.
I could tell early on that this book was not quite for me. Epstein is a poet and a playwright in addition to being a biographer. So this book is brimming with lots of flowery, inventive language, from the early days of the Lincolns’ relationship, when “the yellow leaves of the cottonwoods and sycamore, the scarlet leaves of the maples, signaled autumn in its glory... Such calm evenings, when Venus shone, seemed made for lovers," to the last tragic day they were to be together, when we abruptly switch to the present tense to learn that “the April days are long. Hold back the light. Let the day never dawn that looks upon his death. As if in sympathy the dawn is suspended. The sun struggles with the clouds of night and the morning drizzle of rain. Dawn is delayed and comes in a dark cloak.”
Is it bad writing? Not necessarily. Just not really my cup of tea. I can accept that sometimes the imaginatively inventive details - describing how the moon looked one night, or how the flowers bloomed the next day - are permissible storytelling liberties that can help immerse you in the Lincolns’ world, even if it’s not necessarily 100% factually documentable. Other times, however, the excessively fanciful expressions become distracting, and still other times they’re clearly just figments of Epstein’s imagination.
At times, I had to wonder whether this book was biography or historical fiction. "He extinguished the lamp and came upstairs. He took off his clothing and lay down beside her... They made love under the eaves in the soft fragrant air of June." Is this biography or Harlequin romance fan fiction?
The book aims to tell the story of the Lincoln marriage. So it generally focuses only on things that Mary and Abraham experienced together. Lincoln’s Cooper Union speech, for example, gets a paragraph, his Gettysburg Address a couple of oblique sentences, and the only Lincoln-Douglas debate described in any detail is the last one, since that’s the one Mary happened to have attended. Background knowledge about events during, and leading up to, the Lincoln presidency is, therefore, assumed - as the Lincolns’ lives, and not their times, are the heart of the story.
It’s difficult, though, to analyze anyone’s marriage, since only the two people who are in it know everything there is to know about the relationship. Analyzing a marriage from more than a century and a half ago is that much more difficult. All the more reason, perhaps, that the Lincoln marriage fascinates and puzzles us to this day. Was Mary crazy, abusive and manic like she’s made out to be? Was Abraham moody and emotionally distant? What did these two see in each other?
Epstein attempts to analyze the relationship, while attempting to offer profound thoughts about the nature of marriage itself. The closest he comes to diagnosing the dynamics of the Lincolns’ relationship is that the more Mary desired and pushed for Abraham to succeed, the more she wanted him all to herself, yet his required absences and responsibilities strained that idealized relationship. Mary’s outbursts and bad behavior are explained in this context, as she’s treated mostly sympathetically throughout the book - too sympathetically, at times, as Epstein notes passively at one point that a "disoriented, destabilized" Mary, upon becoming First Lady, was "set upon by scoundrels who corrupted her," as though she had no agency in her actions.
There are thorough descriptions of the Lincolns’ travels together, and plenty of details about the plays they saw and the entertainments they attended. But too often, there are also embellished and downright apocryphal stories that tarnish the book’s believability, far more so than the more benignly creative descriptions of the moon or the leaves on the trees.
I have not written a book about Abraham Lincoln. But I’ve read enough of them by now that when I come across a Lincoln anecdote I’ve not seen before, it seems suspect. So you would think that an author writing a book about Abraham Lincoln would think the same thing when he comes upon a Lincoln anecdote that he hasn’t read before. Yet no anecdote seems too suspect for Epstein to tell, if it enhances his story.
In one case he relates, in great and dramatic detail, Lincoln's surprise appearance before a congressional committee investigating Mary's possible treason, which was so persuasive a performance on Lincoln’s part that the investigation was immediately shut down. Many others have discredited this story, pointing out that the first documented description of it was a third-hand account published some four decades later. Yet Epstein tells it anyway, adding details of his own that weren't even in the original telling.
Other stories are not apocryphal, so much as they are extraordinarily embellished - Epstein either misunderstood the gist of a story he discovered, or purposely exaggerated it to enliven his story. One source described how, after arriving in town for a debate with Douglas, Lincoln was taken to the mayor’s house, where the mayor drew a refreshing bath for him. In Epstein’s telling, this mundane episode becomes “a ritual bath,” in which Lincoln was “ceremoniously stripped and scrubbed,” with the mayor acting as “Master of the Bath” - a public display so scandalously undignified that Mary immediately resolved to accompany Lincoln to his next debate.
Another anecdote involves a Union soldier’s story about recovering a, presumably inert, bomb disguised as a piece of coal that had been displayed on Jefferson Davis’s desk in his abandoned Confederate White House. Epstein takes this to mean that a live bomb loomed inches away as Lincoln himself sat at the desk after the fall of Richmond. “No one at the time noticed,” he writes, the “camouflaged bomb designed to blow up a ship's boiler, powerful enough to have killed everyone in the room." Perhaps because it wasn’t there anymore when Lincoln was there, and there was no danger of it exploding even if it had been?
Epstein also imagines scenes of a despondent Lincoln who was discovered “thrashing and raving” in his room after his youthful breakup with Mary, and a later scene in which Mary supposedly helped to compose Lincoln’s first inaugural address, with no documentation cited for either.
By the book’s end, Lincoln’s assassination is dramatically described. And then, save for a short epilogue in which the fate of the other Lincolns is briefly recounted, the book ends without any kind of grand conclusion about what we are to make of the Lincolns’ relationship after all this. If you can get past the florid prose, the exaggerated and fabricated details, and the oddly offputting, recurring imaginative references to the Lincolns’ sex life (“She drew her hand along the side of the pillows and tenderly smoothed and shaped them. Now the bed was ready for her husband, for a night’s sleep or an hour of lovemaking”), you may come away with a slightly better appreciation for Mary and Abraham as actual humans instead of distant historical figures. But if the Lincoln marriage puzzled us before this book came along - after this book, it puzzles us still.
January 29, 2010
I haven't read many books on Lincoln, but the more I learn beyond my high school social studies class, the more he emerges as a sympathethic and fascinating man. He obviously had a singular intelligence and the unique ability to attract capable men and women to his side.
Although this book deals mainly with the relationship between Mary and Lincoln, it also does a fair bit of analysis of Lincoln's political aspirations and achievements (whetting my appetite to tackle the enormous tome Team of Rivals). Epstein does a good job sorting through the facts and the rumors of their tempestuous marriage, and offers a taste of psychoanalysis as well. Obviously, his conclusions on the state of their relationship are based on his interpretation of events: for example, how Lincoln really felt Mary and her tantrums, and how Mary really dealt with Lincoln's long absences are not a matter of record but are inference on Epstein's part. And despite Mary's horrible reputation as a lunatic/harridan, he was able to also paint her as a woman deserving of sympathy. Despite her psychiatric afflictions, she loved her husband and was capable of great strength herself. Her courage in facing the threat of assassination alone during the train ride to the White House (while Lincoln was scuttled in to Washington secretly by his bodyguards) is nothing short of amazing.
I must admit, though, that it did take me a while to get into this book. The first section dealing with their courtship was rocky at best, careening back and forth between present and past without rhyme or reason. It was so bad, actually, that I considered giving the book up... but after their marriage, Epstein settled into a regular chronological pattern that made it much easier to follow.
I was also disappointed that the author did not carry the book beyond Lincoln's death, although I understand his reasons for not doing so. I have read The Emancipator's Wife, a fictional re-telling of Mary's life following the assassination, but a non-fictional account would be quite interesting.
Although this book deals mainly with the relationship between Mary and Lincoln, it also does a fair bit of analysis of Lincoln's political aspirations and achievements (whetting my appetite to tackle the enormous tome Team of Rivals). Epstein does a good job sorting through the facts and the rumors of their tempestuous marriage, and offers a taste of psychoanalysis as well. Obviously, his conclusions on the state of their relationship are based on his interpretation of events: for example, how Lincoln really felt Mary and her tantrums, and how Mary really dealt with Lincoln's long absences are not a matter of record but are inference on Epstein's part. And despite Mary's horrible reputation as a lunatic/harridan, he was able to also paint her as a woman deserving of sympathy. Despite her psychiatric afflictions, she loved her husband and was capable of great strength herself. Her courage in facing the threat of assassination alone during the train ride to the White House (while Lincoln was scuttled in to Washington secretly by his bodyguards) is nothing short of amazing.
I must admit, though, that it did take me a while to get into this book. The first section dealing with their courtship was rocky at best, careening back and forth between present and past without rhyme or reason. It was so bad, actually, that I considered giving the book up... but after their marriage, Epstein settled into a regular chronological pattern that made it much easier to follow.
I was also disappointed that the author did not carry the book beyond Lincoln's death, although I understand his reasons for not doing so. I have read The Emancipator's Wife, a fictional re-telling of Mary's life following the assassination, but a non-fictional account would be quite interesting.
September 10, 2018
After listening to this it was interesting enough that I went back and read it. Here a few of the interesting things I learned:
Lincoln took three “blue mass” pills a day of about 65 milligrams of elemental mercury. “The antibacterial effect of mercury had made it the foremost treatment for syphilis since the sixteenth century. Lincoln confided to Herndon that about the year 1836 he ‘went down to Beardstown and during a devilish passion had connection with a girl and caught the disease.’” (19)
Mary Lincoln was “very highly strung … running all over with laughter one moment, at the next crying as though her heart would break. … In a moment of rage Mary Lincoln raised her coffee cup, and, as if a devil had seized her wrist, she threw the hot coffee into her husband’s face.” (58)
Lincoln was so estranged from his father that he did not go see him when he was dying or go to his funeral. He did write however: “I sincerely hope Father may yet recover his health; but at all events tell him to remember to call upon, and confide in, our great, and good, and merciful Maker; who will not turn away from him in any extremity. He notes the fall of a sparrow, and numbers the hairs of our heads; and He will not forget the dying man, who puts his trust in Him.” (162)
Tad’s “head was abnormally large, and his passage caused damage to the birth canal from which the mother the mother never fully recovered. Fifteen years later she was still complaining of this ‘disease of the womanly nature’ that had afflicted her ‘since the birth of my youngest son.’ In those days physicians did not attempt to repair such injuries, but let nature take its course, which and be cruel. The Lincoln’s … would have no more children, and there is cause to believe that Mary’s physical condition limited their physical intimacy.” (166)
“There are many paradoxes in Lincoln’s political career, and not the least of these is the fact that his defeats were as advantageous as his victories. If he had gone to Washington as a senator in 1856 for six years, his campaign against Douglas would not have occurred in 1858. The famous Lincoln-Douglas debates that put him in the national spotlight and made him a contender for the presidency in 1860 would have had no occasion.” (183)
Lincoln’s law partner William Herndon wrote of Lincoln: “He exercised no government of any kind over his household. His children did much as they pleased. Many of their antics he approved, and he restrained them in nothing. He never reproved them or gave them a fatherly frown. He was the most indulgent parent I have ever known.” (185)
Mary Lincoln declared: “‘I’ll make you hear me this time,’ and slammed him across his blank face with a length of cordwood.” (190)
“There are several picturesque ancecdotes of Mary Lincoln’s physical abuse of her husband during the Springfield years. She chased him out of the house with a broomstick; she threw a bucketful of water on him from the upstairs windowpane night when he asked to be let in at a late hour. A tale brought dated 1857 describes Mary chasing her husband outdoors with a kitchen knife until he disarmed her, ‘quickly hustled to her to the back door and pushed her in … saying ‘There damn it, now stay in the house and don’t disgrace us before the eyes of the world.’’ (191)
“The House Judiciary Committee was planning to investigate her ‘gallant’ Chevalier Wikoff for sedition in connection with the pilfering and premature publication of the State of the Union message. And the president’s wife would soon be accused of treason.” (356)
Mary Lincoln often consulted mediums after their son died. She even got a couple of them government jobs (381). “While notably superstitious, Lincoln was not a spiritualist, but he is supposed to have attended two seances.” (384)
“At forty-five years of age, Mrs. Lincoln had begun to experience the delusions and hallucinations of
what now would be diagnosed as clinical psychosis.” (405)
“The first week Mrs. Lincoln was in New York she spent $7,991 that can be accounted for. (Multiply that figure by fifteen to approximate today’s dollar value.) On Monday she brought a carriage for $900. … the more Mrs. Lincoln acquired, the more she wanted. … In two days she spent $1,164.98.”
(331)
Mary Lincoln “took advantage of an unlimited line of credit and overspent … as if driven by what is now recognized as clinical mania.” (275)
Abraham Lincoln earned about $2,000 a month when he was President. But Mary ran up $27,000 worth of debt at stores in New York City one year. (414) She purchased a $2,000 dress for the inaugural ball. (458)
(Note: I'm stingy with stars. For me 2 stars means a good book. 3 = Very good; 4 = Outstanding {only about 5% of the books I read merit this}; 5 = All time favorites {one of these may come along every 400-500 books})
Lincoln took three “blue mass” pills a day of about 65 milligrams of elemental mercury. “The antibacterial effect of mercury had made it the foremost treatment for syphilis since the sixteenth century. Lincoln confided to Herndon that about the year 1836 he ‘went down to Beardstown and during a devilish passion had connection with a girl and caught the disease.’” (19)
Mary Lincoln was “very highly strung … running all over with laughter one moment, at the next crying as though her heart would break. … In a moment of rage Mary Lincoln raised her coffee cup, and, as if a devil had seized her wrist, she threw the hot coffee into her husband’s face.” (58)
Lincoln was so estranged from his father that he did not go see him when he was dying or go to his funeral. He did write however: “I sincerely hope Father may yet recover his health; but at all events tell him to remember to call upon, and confide in, our great, and good, and merciful Maker; who will not turn away from him in any extremity. He notes the fall of a sparrow, and numbers the hairs of our heads; and He will not forget the dying man, who puts his trust in Him.” (162)
Tad’s “head was abnormally large, and his passage caused damage to the birth canal from which the mother the mother never fully recovered. Fifteen years later she was still complaining of this ‘disease of the womanly nature’ that had afflicted her ‘since the birth of my youngest son.’ In those days physicians did not attempt to repair such injuries, but let nature take its course, which and be cruel. The Lincoln’s … would have no more children, and there is cause to believe that Mary’s physical condition limited their physical intimacy.” (166)
“There are many paradoxes in Lincoln’s political career, and not the least of these is the fact that his defeats were as advantageous as his victories. If he had gone to Washington as a senator in 1856 for six years, his campaign against Douglas would not have occurred in 1858. The famous Lincoln-Douglas debates that put him in the national spotlight and made him a contender for the presidency in 1860 would have had no occasion.” (183)
Lincoln’s law partner William Herndon wrote of Lincoln: “He exercised no government of any kind over his household. His children did much as they pleased. Many of their antics he approved, and he restrained them in nothing. He never reproved them or gave them a fatherly frown. He was the most indulgent parent I have ever known.” (185)
Mary Lincoln declared: “‘I’ll make you hear me this time,’ and slammed him across his blank face with a length of cordwood.” (190)
“There are several picturesque ancecdotes of Mary Lincoln’s physical abuse of her husband during the Springfield years. She chased him out of the house with a broomstick; she threw a bucketful of water on him from the upstairs windowpane night when he asked to be let in at a late hour. A tale brought dated 1857 describes Mary chasing her husband outdoors with a kitchen knife until he disarmed her, ‘quickly hustled to her to the back door and pushed her in … saying ‘There damn it, now stay in the house and don’t disgrace us before the eyes of the world.’’ (191)
“The House Judiciary Committee was planning to investigate her ‘gallant’ Chevalier Wikoff for sedition in connection with the pilfering and premature publication of the State of the Union message. And the president’s wife would soon be accused of treason.” (356)
Mary Lincoln often consulted mediums after their son died. She even got a couple of them government jobs (381). “While notably superstitious, Lincoln was not a spiritualist, but he is supposed to have attended two seances.” (384)
“At forty-five years of age, Mrs. Lincoln had begun to experience the delusions and hallucinations of
what now would be diagnosed as clinical psychosis.” (405)
“The first week Mrs. Lincoln was in New York she spent $7,991 that can be accounted for. (Multiply that figure by fifteen to approximate today’s dollar value.) On Monday she brought a carriage for $900. … the more Mrs. Lincoln acquired, the more she wanted. … In two days she spent $1,164.98.”
(331)
Mary Lincoln “took advantage of an unlimited line of credit and overspent … as if driven by what is now recognized as clinical mania.” (275)
Abraham Lincoln earned about $2,000 a month when he was President. But Mary ran up $27,000 worth of debt at stores in New York City one year. (414) She purchased a $2,000 dress for the inaugural ball. (458)
(Note: I'm stingy with stars. For me 2 stars means a good book. 3 = Very good; 4 = Outstanding {only about 5% of the books I read merit this}; 5 = All time favorites {one of these may come along every 400-500 books})
September 9, 2025
This is an interesting biography of the Lincolns, but the title is misleading. I wouldn’t call it a deep dive into the psychological aspects of their marriage. It’s a pretty standard joint biography, and a decent one at that. But I felt the title is a bit misleading.
August 24, 2016
There is a long, detailed review with at least 16 likes by someone named Matt who does an excellent job reviewing this.
I might rename the book Mary Todd Lincoln's Life with Mr. L (as she referred to him often in writing). This is a loose biography that often reads as a psychoanalyst, social worker, and too often as mind reader. It begins in the middle of their courtship, which is told in a confusing manner such that when they get married, it's not clear if they're in love or in trouble. (Then the author does the math for baby #1 due date as "9 mo. 2 days". Pregnancies are 40 weeks, which is different.) Either way, do we need to try to count back to the wedding night and hypothesize about what might have happened pre-wedding? This frivolous and uninformed speculation sets the tone for future events in the book.
There is also much repetition of facts and ideas, which drags the pace of the book and ultimately insults the reader.
I wouldn't recommend this book unless you just can't get enough of the Lincolns.
I might rename the book Mary Todd Lincoln's Life with Mr. L (as she referred to him often in writing). This is a loose biography that often reads as a psychoanalyst, social worker, and too often as mind reader. It begins in the middle of their courtship, which is told in a confusing manner such that when they get married, it's not clear if they're in love or in trouble. (Then the author does the math for baby #1 due date as "9 mo. 2 days". Pregnancies are 40 weeks, which is different.) Either way, do we need to try to count back to the wedding night and hypothesize about what might have happened pre-wedding? This frivolous and uninformed speculation sets the tone for future events in the book.
There is also much repetition of facts and ideas, which drags the pace of the book and ultimately insults the reader.
I wouldn't recommend this book unless you just can't get enough of the Lincolns.
January 2, 2019
What a devoted, if imperfect, couple! Just when I thought Abe Lincoln was too complex to understand, Epstein tenderly shows us what bound Abe and Mary Todd Lincoln together. Epstein begins this absolutely fascinating biography shortly before this couple becomes engaged the first time. Lincoln broke off the first engagement thinking he really wasn’t good enough for Mary Todd, a lovely young woman from a wealthy Kentucky family. When they came back together, a hasty wedding was planned. Robert Lincoln, the first of their four sons, was born nine months and three days later. Abe loved and provided well for his family on his lawyer’s salary, but was intensely interested in politics. Well, the rest is history, but Lincoln might never have attained the presidency without the love and support of Mary Todd Lincoln. This is one of the best books I read during 2018.
July 26, 2016
Yet another excellent book about Lincoln. This one is different though; diving into the marriage of Abraham and Mary, with the civil war and everything else Lincoln encountered in his presidency as a backdrop, rather than the focus. Through letters and diaries of various people surrounding the Lincoln's, we get perhaps the closest look we will ever have into their personal life and relationship before, and during, Abraham's presidential run. It took me a long time to read this book, not because I didn't enjoy it, but I tended to read it in between other books and finally just finished it off. I would recommend this to anyone interested in all things Abraham Lincoln.
May 10, 2017
Extremely interesting insights on the relationship between President and Mrs. Lincoln. Not a quick, exciting read for me, but intriguing enough to keep picking it up!
November 8, 2019
This book gave an insightful and honest portrayal of the incredible emotional challenges faced by Mr. and Mrs. Lincoln.
May 10, 2013
I've read a fair few books about Abraham Lincoln - most, more focused on his role as President then as a man, mention his wife very little, and few of them had much good to say about her. History on the whole has not been kind to Mary Todd Lincoln.
So this book was a real breath of fresh air - the politics and Civil War by and large takes a back seat and the Lincolns' marriage is the real focus. Right from the early days of their courtship in Springfield to the day of Lincoln's assassination, Epstein charts the ups and downs of their marriage, the high spots and the rough patches, the great love and affection they held for each other, as well as the anger and frustration. Yet again, Mary Lincoln comes off fairly badly, but at least this time there is a context for her behaviour, and Epstein details her tantrums and frenzies with a great deal of sympathy.
It's impossible at this distance to diagnose anyone, but one can't help but wonder whether today Mary Lincoln would be diagnosed with some form of bipolar disorder. That she suffered from some form of (relatively mild) mental illness is almost beyond question - her compulsive spending, her uncontrollable rages, her frenzies and headaches, her paranoia, all point to some form of mental illness. Lincoln by contrast appears to have the patience of a saint.
I thoroughly enjoyed this book - as I said, it was so refreshing to read about Lincoln's personal life in such detail. The small details and anecdotes really serve to humanise him, bring him back down to earth from the exalted pedestal history has placed him on.
So this book was a real breath of fresh air - the politics and Civil War by and large takes a back seat and the Lincolns' marriage is the real focus. Right from the early days of their courtship in Springfield to the day of Lincoln's assassination, Epstein charts the ups and downs of their marriage, the high spots and the rough patches, the great love and affection they held for each other, as well as the anger and frustration. Yet again, Mary Lincoln comes off fairly badly, but at least this time there is a context for her behaviour, and Epstein details her tantrums and frenzies with a great deal of sympathy.
It's impossible at this distance to diagnose anyone, but one can't help but wonder whether today Mary Lincoln would be diagnosed with some form of bipolar disorder. That she suffered from some form of (relatively mild) mental illness is almost beyond question - her compulsive spending, her uncontrollable rages, her frenzies and headaches, her paranoia, all point to some form of mental illness. Lincoln by contrast appears to have the patience of a saint.
I thoroughly enjoyed this book - as I said, it was so refreshing to read about Lincoln's personal life in such detail. The small details and anecdotes really serve to humanise him, bring him back down to earth from the exalted pedestal history has placed him on.
May 28, 2016
I enjoyed this book, although it's not that different from the other Lincoln biographies. The book's title is a bit misleading, as the author doesn't contribute much more to our understanding of the Lincoln marriage than other biographies. It is more a social and political history, than a portrait of a marriage. Since no one will ever know the thoughts and feelings of the couple, and remarkably few letters survive, much of the book is written as supposition. Even the language is written that way, for example, the author often says that Mary or Abraham must have done this, or might've done that, etc. The most important contribution this book offers is the description of the Springfield years. These years are often ignored in political biographies, which of course focus on the presidency. I learned a lot about Whig political and how campaigns were won from the "western frontier," which Illinois was at that time. The book also offers an excellent description of the political scene in the 1840s.
Read
February 5, 2009This book may not be the final word on the Lincolns' marriage, but it is hardly doomed for the discount bin. Overall, critics were divided. The historically minded disliked Epstein's endless hypothesizing, particularly in his speculative narration of the goings-on in the Lincolns' bedroom. But then Epstein is not the typical Lincoln scholar; his other publications include several books of poetry and a biography of Nat King Cole. The less-fastidious critics enjoyed Epstein's eccentric tale of an eccentric marriage. He reveals that Mary was a shopaholic, spending $1,000 for a single shawl, and that Lincoln's favorite beverage was cold water (which, as one critic notes, was technically a delicacy in those days). These details are fascinating, but they are bright spots in what is
December 4, 2009
Detailed and engrossing narrative about the relationship of Abraham and Mary Todd Lincoln. However, I do wish their personal sagas had been more strongly juxtaposed against the events of the war (for example, we hear almost nothing about personal or familial influence upon the declaration of civil war, the issuance of the Emancipation Proclamation, etc.) Also, there is almost nothing about Lincoln's family and background while there is a surfeit of material about the Todds.
December 21, 2008
This book has been criticized for not offering any particularly new knowledge or insight, but I loved how deftly Epstein weaves together the couple's political and domestic lives, particularly through the use of letters they sent and received. The book reads like a very sad novel, and even though I knew the ending, I had trouble putting it down. I also appreciate that the author is so attentive to Mary's mental illness and tries to rationalize her behavior, to the extent that it's possible.
March 16, 2013
While listening to this audiobook, I was intrigued by many of the topics and people discussed. As I read more about particular topics on various internet sites, I was surprised to discover several incorrect facts cited in this book. The author also jumps to wild conclusions about the relationship between the Lincolns. It does serve to bring the reader a little closer to Lincoln, but the overall effort is lacking.
November 29, 2020
Male historians who research and write about female/male relationships should be required to have a female co-author to keep things balanced. That was the worst part of this book. It was grating to hear how the author characterized Mary vs. Abe, and it did not feel equal in terms of the fact that both struggled with mental health and with their lives as a whole. I know history has lauded Abe but Mary deserves the same grace and kindness given so generously to Abe by history.
March 23, 2017
At many points this came dangerously close to historical fiction as the author makes repeated assertions about thoughts or emotions the Lincolns had. That said, I think it is well-written and insightful.
I found myself depressed by the constant emotional trauma, illness and death both Lincolns faced. If poor Mary Lincoln could just have had some psychotropic drugs, stat.
I found myself depressed by the constant emotional trauma, illness and death both Lincolns faced. If poor Mary Lincoln could just have had some psychotropic drugs, stat.
September 10, 2009
Fascinating and quite eye-opening. A very good read.
September 29, 2012
Just finished. A fascinating, informative read. The ending was powerful and emotional.
February 6, 2018
Odd beginning and end, great middle
What a strange concoction this book is. I almost gave up reading it in the beginning because it was quite forced and fakey with what must have been imagined scenarios about the Lincolns meeting. Other reviewers have commented on the conjectures. But then the book picked up as good solid history and wonderful psychological insight into Mary and Abraham's marriage, the good and the not so good, as well as their individual personalities. The telling about the years in the White House is sad and thorough with very detailed accounts of certain days, their activities and the progress of the war. The inevitable end is a complete let down. The author for some reason switches to the present tense for the trip to Ford's Theater and it reads like a very bad melodramatic romance novel. Why???? And there it ends with the death of the President. The book is well worth reading for the most part but, as I said, the beginning and end really let it down.
What a strange concoction this book is. I almost gave up reading it in the beginning because it was quite forced and fakey with what must have been imagined scenarios about the Lincolns meeting. Other reviewers have commented on the conjectures. But then the book picked up as good solid history and wonderful psychological insight into Mary and Abraham's marriage, the good and the not so good, as well as their individual personalities. The telling about the years in the White House is sad and thorough with very detailed accounts of certain days, their activities and the progress of the war. The inevitable end is a complete let down. The author for some reason switches to the present tense for the trip to Ford's Theater and it reads like a very bad melodramatic romance novel. Why???? And there it ends with the death of the President. The book is well worth reading for the most part but, as I said, the beginning and end really let it down.
July 2, 2018
The author narrates a history of the relationship between Abraham Lincoln and Mary Todd Lincoln--not the entire family. (Readers interested in Robert Todd Lincoln's story will not find as much detail.) Using correspondence of the couple and other historical witnesses (e.g. neighbors or politicians), newspaper accounts, and the scholarly writings of other Lincoln researchers, the author synthesizes a chronological biography of both Lincolns, to describe the entire relationship of two famous Americans. While citing many primary sources, the narrative sometimes includes literary embellishments to create striking aesthetic moments. Although fun to read, these aesthetic turns may frustrate historical readers who want details without descriptions. Also, the attention to detail (e.g. the description of historic downtowns including the address of buildings or the prices paid for goods or services) may frustrate readers seeking casual reading. Still, this book is a long, detailed, useful story to help readers understand the personal life of the Lincolns.
August 24, 2023
Excellent! I still cannot stop thinking about both Abraham and Mary Lincoln. This is a wonderfully written historical document about the marriage of the Lincoln. It is one of the first books to explore the people behind the historical figures, especially Mary Lincoln. Much has written of the "character" flaw of Mary in the marriage with Abe. But this book illuminates how well they were for each other, and the love was strong!!! They both had sad but valuable lives when the country needed them both.
I feel a sense of mourning for both Abe & Mary today. Reading this book gave me a sense of intimacy of living with them in my mind. I felt the longing and sexual tension between husband and wife. The emotional attachment both had for each other was very real and the author masterfully puts the reader with them living in 19th century United States.
I feel a sense of mourning for both Abe & Mary today. Reading this book gave me a sense of intimacy of living with them in my mind. I felt the longing and sexual tension between husband and wife. The emotional attachment both had for each other was very real and the author masterfully puts the reader with them living in 19th century United States.
March 3, 2018
This is one of the saddest books I have ever read. Reading about the death of his two sons and his sorrow, we feel so much compassion and affection for the man. His marriage to Mary had some bright spots but not many. Mary Lincoln was a difficult and tragic person. Her flaws were magnified by the loss of her children and the burden of being married to the President during a terrible time in our history. His assassination was a tragic end to a tragic life. This book is a "must read" for admirers of Abraham Lincoln.
July 5, 2019
Fine Treatment of the Lincoln Marriage
Well written book that manages to be sympathetic to Mary Todd Lincoln while acknowledging her character and judgement defects. Also highlights Lincoln's growth to greatness without glossing over his shortcomings. This book is not a magisterial treatment of Lincoln's life, political career, or his role in the Civil War. Rather it is a look at the arrangements of their domestic lives together. I recommend this work for readability and intimacy.
Well written book that manages to be sympathetic to Mary Todd Lincoln while acknowledging her character and judgement defects. Also highlights Lincoln's growth to greatness without glossing over his shortcomings. This book is not a magisterial treatment of Lincoln's life, political career, or his role in the Civil War. Rather it is a look at the arrangements of their domestic lives together. I recommend this work for readability and intimacy.
June 28, 2024
This book gives you a very detailed understanding of the marriage between Abe Lincoln and his wife. It starts with how they first met and continues till his death. It is well researched and helps the reader understand many of the details I had wondered about how they came to be in my limited education about his life as he became president and lived out the remainder of his life. He was a very complex person and even with all this detail, he is still a bit of an unknown. His relationship with his wife and her decline into mental illness led to many complex but understandable situations.
August 23, 2025
I went to school with the author--first grade through high school. In elementary school he lip synched to an Elvis Presley record, gyrating his hips He had brought his little 45 rpm machine from home. Now look at us, America.
I have read a lot of books about Mary Lincoln: the first book was a "book of the month" in my parent's house called "Love Is Eternal" by Irving Stone. What I liked about this interesting and factual book was the obvious amount of research Irving Stone put into writing it. I learned more about the American Whigs (later known as Republicans) and American Democrats, and their political wheeling and dealing than I ever knew. Mr. Stone accurately portrayed Mary Todd Lincoln, and she was in contrast to Abraham.. They complimented each other, she was brought up in wealth and political surroundings, he was brought up in poverty and illiteracy, so Mary would gently (most of the time) urge Abraham to pursue this or that office, and to persevere. She tried hard to surround him with advantageous associations, and gave parties, teas, and social events in order to help her husband climb the ladder.
Abraham Lincoln was an inconsiderate, uncommunicative husband, according to the book, and he left his wife and children for months at a time while he rode circuit to visit other lawyers and do work for them. One time Mary ran out of money, and she had to go to his office and get his law partner to give her Abraham's share of legal fees he had collected. The law office was shabby and dirty, and Mary was very disappointed. Abraham usually dismissed Mary's requests that he stay home with her and the children more, and he dismissed her suggestions that he invest in real estate like lawyers and judges in the area did. He grew up in poverty, and was not going to enjoy luxury if he had anything to do with it. He sounds like a very difficult husband, for sure. With another perspective, Abe Lincoln had bouts of depression, and seemed to struggle with feeling worthy of people's affections. He also had a tendency to become ill when he was very depressed. To be fair, when Abraham became fervently involved with getting rid of slavery in the USA, his relationship with Mary improved greatly. He involved her more in his life, and he was energized and focused on liberating men, women, and children from thraldom.
Mary Lincoln was felt extreme disapproval towards the institution of slavery, even though her father had owned several. She had seen a coffle of black people marched to the auction block, and heard their cries and moanings, seen the humiliation of the auction of men and women, when she was much younger, and the memory was embedded in her mind.
Abraham Lincoln was a humble man, his personality was not pretentious or superior, like many wealthy, college-educated people, especially politicians, are. Lincoln made his way into people's hearts by using humor and being authentically self-deprecating, not so much as to disdain him, but to realize he was authentically kind and very intelligent, without seeming condescending. What I did not like was how Irving Stone omitted the prevalent aspect of Lincoln's personality, which was that he was seriously Christian. One author said he found at least 199 instances of Lincoln quoting or alluding to Scripture when speaking to the public.
He frequently attended church, usually with his wife, but he never joined one. He was intimately acquainted with the Bible, reading it and quoting from it, which was not mentioned in the book. That was the disappointing part , otherwise, it kept my interest, and taught me a lot about politics of the 1800s.
Mary Todd Lincoln was portrayed as a politically wise, but emotionally immature wife. She was a very dutiful, obedient wife, and didn't nag or show disrespect to Abraham. Many times she refrained from complaining to him about a decision Abraham made, which is quite uncommon in this day and age. Wives of today are less biblical and more worldly. I did like the descriptions of the dresses she wore, and of the furniture, drapes, and social events Mr. Stone described. That was appealing and kept it interesting. It also gave me a better idea of what life was like, at least for rich people, back in the 1800s. The personalities of each of their sons is also interesting, the eldest son seems like a narcissist, and later on in life, he had his mother committed to a Bellevue. She escaped, and she wrote to the editor of a newspaper, and publicly criticized her son, which made him angry. I don't think Mary Todd Lincoln was insane, or in need of hospitalization, not from the description Irving Stone gave about her. She was intelligent, active, and sociable, and enjoyed planning parties and activities in which she met and entertained other people. Mary also was a loving mother to her 4 sons, 3 of whom died, which must have just torn her heart and mind apart. You never get over the death of your child, and I think Mary Todd Lincoln was quite brave and strong, given the awful losses of her children that she endured, plus the horrifying assasination of her husband.
This was the first book I read about Mary Todd where she came across as educated, socially polished, supportive of her husband and his ambitions. The Epstein book seems equally thorough and focuses on aspects of relationships (and marriage) as an overall topic; i.e. what makes a successful relationship, etc. The reason I focused in on "Love is Eternal" is that this book picks up where that book left off.
I have read a lot of books about Mary Lincoln: the first book was a "book of the month" in my parent's house called "Love Is Eternal" by Irving Stone. What I liked about this interesting and factual book was the obvious amount of research Irving Stone put into writing it. I learned more about the American Whigs (later known as Republicans) and American Democrats, and their political wheeling and dealing than I ever knew. Mr. Stone accurately portrayed Mary Todd Lincoln, and she was in contrast to Abraham.. They complimented each other, she was brought up in wealth and political surroundings, he was brought up in poverty and illiteracy, so Mary would gently (most of the time) urge Abraham to pursue this or that office, and to persevere. She tried hard to surround him with advantageous associations, and gave parties, teas, and social events in order to help her husband climb the ladder.
Abraham Lincoln was an inconsiderate, uncommunicative husband, according to the book, and he left his wife and children for months at a time while he rode circuit to visit other lawyers and do work for them. One time Mary ran out of money, and she had to go to his office and get his law partner to give her Abraham's share of legal fees he had collected. The law office was shabby and dirty, and Mary was very disappointed. Abraham usually dismissed Mary's requests that he stay home with her and the children more, and he dismissed her suggestions that he invest in real estate like lawyers and judges in the area did. He grew up in poverty, and was not going to enjoy luxury if he had anything to do with it. He sounds like a very difficult husband, for sure. With another perspective, Abe Lincoln had bouts of depression, and seemed to struggle with feeling worthy of people's affections. He also had a tendency to become ill when he was very depressed. To be fair, when Abraham became fervently involved with getting rid of slavery in the USA, his relationship with Mary improved greatly. He involved her more in his life, and he was energized and focused on liberating men, women, and children from thraldom.
Mary Lincoln was felt extreme disapproval towards the institution of slavery, even though her father had owned several. She had seen a coffle of black people marched to the auction block, and heard their cries and moanings, seen the humiliation of the auction of men and women, when she was much younger, and the memory was embedded in her mind.
Abraham Lincoln was a humble man, his personality was not pretentious or superior, like many wealthy, college-educated people, especially politicians, are. Lincoln made his way into people's hearts by using humor and being authentically self-deprecating, not so much as to disdain him, but to realize he was authentically kind and very intelligent, without seeming condescending. What I did not like was how Irving Stone omitted the prevalent aspect of Lincoln's personality, which was that he was seriously Christian. One author said he found at least 199 instances of Lincoln quoting or alluding to Scripture when speaking to the public.
He frequently attended church, usually with his wife, but he never joined one. He was intimately acquainted with the Bible, reading it and quoting from it, which was not mentioned in the book. That was the disappointing part , otherwise, it kept my interest, and taught me a lot about politics of the 1800s.
Mary Todd Lincoln was portrayed as a politically wise, but emotionally immature wife. She was a very dutiful, obedient wife, and didn't nag or show disrespect to Abraham. Many times she refrained from complaining to him about a decision Abraham made, which is quite uncommon in this day and age. Wives of today are less biblical and more worldly. I did like the descriptions of the dresses she wore, and of the furniture, drapes, and social events Mr. Stone described. That was appealing and kept it interesting. It also gave me a better idea of what life was like, at least for rich people, back in the 1800s. The personalities of each of their sons is also interesting, the eldest son seems like a narcissist, and later on in life, he had his mother committed to a Bellevue. She escaped, and she wrote to the editor of a newspaper, and publicly criticized her son, which made him angry. I don't think Mary Todd Lincoln was insane, or in need of hospitalization, not from the description Irving Stone gave about her. She was intelligent, active, and sociable, and enjoyed planning parties and activities in which she met and entertained other people. Mary also was a loving mother to her 4 sons, 3 of whom died, which must have just torn her heart and mind apart. You never get over the death of your child, and I think Mary Todd Lincoln was quite brave and strong, given the awful losses of her children that she endured, plus the horrifying assasination of her husband.
This was the first book I read about Mary Todd where she came across as educated, socially polished, supportive of her husband and his ambitions. The Epstein book seems equally thorough and focuses on aspects of relationships (and marriage) as an overall topic; i.e. what makes a successful relationship, etc. The reason I focused in on "Love is Eternal" is that this book picks up where that book left off.
July 12, 2017
After reading Lincoln in the Bardo, I wanted to learn more about the personal lives of the Lincolns. Portrait of a Marriage is a very in depth account story of two people ravaged by tragedy while serving as a catalyst that changed history. At times the political analysis driving Lincoln's career was a bit much for me to follow, but the author's account of their lives both apart and together was fascinating.
February 6, 2018
Well-researched and insightful portrait of the Lincolns and Mary Todd Lincoln's influence on her husband's political career and presidency. A look into the life of the president before he was president as well as after. I've read several books on Abraham Lincoln and Mary Todd Lincoln and this is one of the best. Highly Recommend to readers who are interested in both of them, especially as a couple.
July 9, 2018
Very well done. It is hard to find anything new to write about the Lincolns, and I feel this author succeeded. The only thing I would change is to have drawings of the Lincolns' house in Springfield and the second floor of the White House during the Lincoln years. It would have been beneficial to have these in the book instead of the reader having to find diagrams online.
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