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256 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 1988
He was a huge fat Turk, yet I ran straight at him, weak and skinny as I am. Something banged, something flew past me, it seemed enormous; a ringing started in my ears. ‘That was him shooting me,’ I thought. But with a scream of terror he pressed back against a thick hawthorn bush. He could have gone round that bush, but terrified and uncomprehending, he crawled into its thorny branches. I struck out and knocked his rifle out of his hand, then struck again and rammed my bayonet into something. There was a sound somewhere between a growl and a moan. I ran on.
‘What for?’ I went on, getting heated. ‘What possible interest can you have in me? No. you’d better not come here: I will not strike up an acquaintance with you, because I have no acquaintances. I know why you came here! Your curiosity was roused by that policeman’s story. You thought, “Now here’s a rarity – an educated girl come to such a life…” You’ve got a mind to save me? Get away from me – there’s nothing I need! Better leave me to breathe my last alone rather than…’
…All my life, with its seeming variety – its sorrows, joys, despairs, raptures, hatreds and loves – has passed to the time of its ticking. And only now, tonight, when everything in this huge town and this huge house is asleep and there isn’t a sound but the beating of my heart and the ticking of the watch – only now do I see that all these adversities, joys and raptures were nothing but hollow spectres.
It was a cold, overcast morning, with a slight drizzle; the trees in the cemetery were showing through the mist, and the tops of the tombstones peered out from behind the dank cemetery gate and wall. We skirted round the cemetery, passing it on our right. And I fancied that it was gazing at us through the mist uncomprehendingly. ‘Why do you, thousands of you, march for thousands of miles to die on foreign fields, when you can die here, die in peace and lie down beneath my wooden crosses and stone slabs? Stay here!’
At last four of them brought him down, seized hold of his arms and legs, and lowered him into the warm water. To him it was boiling, and in his deranged mind flickered the disjointed, fragmentary thought that this was an ordeal by boiling water and red-hot iron. Choking in the water, convulsively thrashing his arms and legs, which were still in the warders’ firm grasp, and gasping for breath, he screeched out a disjointed tirade unimaginable to anyone who had not actually heard it. It was a jumble of prayers and maledictions. He shouted until his strength was gone and finally, with scalding tears in his eyes, he made a quiet announcement that was wholly at odds with the harangue that had gone before.
‘Saint George, thou holy martyr, into thy hands I commend my body. But my spirit – no, oh no!’