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My Bucket Has Holes: Living with Bipolar II
A personal account of living with Bipolar II for 20 years, misdiagnosed as depression. From childhood to diagnosis to mental hospitals, everything is included, including the ugly parts of being raised in a time period that did not understand mental illness and instead applied "tough love" to children who acted abnormally.
68 pages, Kindle Edition
Published May 19, 2016
170 people are currently reading
158 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 50 reviews
July 17, 2017
Sarah's descriptions of her struggles with Bipolar II were vivid, painful, and accurate. Coming from a person also diagnosed with BP2 and anxiety, I felt as if many of her experience could have been writing pulled straight from my own journals.
The nagging depression forever lurking in the shadows, ready to pull you back under its spell at any moment. The intrusive thoughts of self harm and suicide. The compulsion to hurt yourself. Pain that becomes like an itch you can't scratch.
Then... the creativity! The endless motivation! The unstoppable confidence! Knowing you are meant for something great. Knowing you will change the world. Frantic writing, pressured speech, rapid flow of seemingly brilliant ideas. Working to exhaustion. Overstimulation turns into extreme irritability. The world can't keep up. Rage. Intensity. Reactivity. You become volatile. And then you crash.
Like a light switch the depression returns and you're left with unfinished projects scattered everywhere. Credit card bills racked up from supplies and plans and hopeful dreams. Damaged relationships you feel too embarrassed to fix. Impulsive decisions that must be dealt with or worked out of. Utter exhaustion. Helplessness. There only seems to be one solution left.
This is the life of someone living with Bipolar. You might never know because we can be fantastic actors. We've perfected the art of self isolation, shielding others from seeing our instability. We want to be amazing. But we are hurt. We feel broken. We only want to survive.
The nagging depression forever lurking in the shadows, ready to pull you back under its spell at any moment. The intrusive thoughts of self harm and suicide. The compulsion to hurt yourself. Pain that becomes like an itch you can't scratch.
Then... the creativity! The endless motivation! The unstoppable confidence! Knowing you are meant for something great. Knowing you will change the world. Frantic writing, pressured speech, rapid flow of seemingly brilliant ideas. Working to exhaustion. Overstimulation turns into extreme irritability. The world can't keep up. Rage. Intensity. Reactivity. You become volatile. And then you crash.
Like a light switch the depression returns and you're left with unfinished projects scattered everywhere. Credit card bills racked up from supplies and plans and hopeful dreams. Damaged relationships you feel too embarrassed to fix. Impulsive decisions that must be dealt with or worked out of. Utter exhaustion. Helplessness. There only seems to be one solution left.
This is the life of someone living with Bipolar. You might never know because we can be fantastic actors. We've perfected the art of self isolation, shielding others from seeing our instability. We want to be amazing. But we are hurt. We feel broken. We only want to survive.
May 17, 2017
I read this book in under an hour. I'm not sure how I feel about it. The content was interesting, but the writing was bad, and the multiple grammar, spelling, and formatting mistakes lead me to believe that it wasn't edited at all. This could have been an excellent book had the author taken the time to go deeper into her personal experiences instead of just given us the surface of the story, including more research and factual information on the history of Bipolar ii. That being said, I commend her for writing the book and putting her story out there, because it was obviously something she had to do for herself.
June 23, 2021
Honest, at times heartbreaking.
This is such an open vulnerable account of life with Bipolar II a mental illness that is incredibly hard to live with. As with Sarah's story so many only get diagnosed with depression as professionals only identify the crippling depths of hell and suicidal ideation.
With Bipolar I and II most anti-depressants in their own can actually make the BP person much worse. They did for me. I researched this extensively. A mood stabilizer is critical to balance the hypomania AND depressive episodes. Then at the same time certain anti-depressants can work well.
Sarah broke my heart with her battle fighting the desire to die to end the pain, like many feeling burden on her family. If you or a loved one may have Bipolar II, please research how it is different from Bipolar I.
You often have to tell that you have the hyper episodes to get diagnosed correctly. A book written from a survivor can teach more than a book from a professional who has never lived a day with it.
I resonated much and recommend this to anyone diagnosed, questioning or site this is what you battle with. Also if you have a loved one with the illness or are a mental health professional this is great.
I got your story Sarah, you are not alone and I applaud your courage to write this. It will help many.
This is such an open vulnerable account of life with Bipolar II a mental illness that is incredibly hard to live with. As with Sarah's story so many only get diagnosed with depression as professionals only identify the crippling depths of hell and suicidal ideation.
With Bipolar I and II most anti-depressants in their own can actually make the BP person much worse. They did for me. I researched this extensively. A mood stabilizer is critical to balance the hypomania AND depressive episodes. Then at the same time certain anti-depressants can work well.
Sarah broke my heart with her battle fighting the desire to die to end the pain, like many feeling burden on her family. If you or a loved one may have Bipolar II, please research how it is different from Bipolar I.
You often have to tell that you have the hyper episodes to get diagnosed correctly. A book written from a survivor can teach more than a book from a professional who has never lived a day with it.
I resonated much and recommend this to anyone diagnosed, questioning or site this is what you battle with. Also if you have a loved one with the illness or are a mental health professional this is great.
I got your story Sarah, you are not alone and I applaud your courage to write this. It will help many.
January 15, 2018
It was interesting to read about Bipolar Disorder II from someone who experiences it every day and it’s good that Sarah is learning how to manage it. Good for her! My dad had Bipolar Disorder when he was alive and after reading this book, I feel like I have a better understanding of what he was going through at the time even though he never talked about it or admitted that he had a problem.
May 21, 2018
Bipolar II is you
This book describes Sarah, this book describes me, this book describes the plastic pillow. If you are Bipolar II, read this book and see yourself. More importantly, if you are Bipolar II, have your family read this book and see you.
This book describes Sarah, this book describes me, this book describes the plastic pillow. If you are Bipolar II, read this book and see yourself. More importantly, if you are Bipolar II, have your family read this book and see you.
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February 28, 2021The only reason I didn't give this book 5 stars is the writing. It's not super great.
That said, this book was amazing. If you have recently been diagnosed with Bipolar II, Loucks' first-hand accounts are extremely supportive. You're not alone. Everyone's situation is different and their own, but there are clear parallels and consistencies that when heard, offer incredible validation.
If you strive to understand a loved one with this disorder, I recommend picking this up as well. This book gives a clear view into the mind of someone with Bipolar II.
That said, this book was amazing. If you have recently been diagnosed with Bipolar II, Loucks' first-hand accounts are extremely supportive. You're not alone. Everyone's situation is different and their own, but there are clear parallels and consistencies that when heard, offer incredible validation.
If you strive to understand a loved one with this disorder, I recommend picking this up as well. This book gives a clear view into the mind of someone with Bipolar II.
January 30, 2017
Another good memoir! The author refers to the fact (at the end of this book) that most books written on bipolar are those of bipolar type I, and because of lack of availability of knowledge on bipolar two, this disorder is often misdiagnosed as depression! I appreciate authors who write the most difficult part of their journey in life with such brutal honesty!
August 24, 2024
Accurate and relatable
Loved this book! Shows the real side to mental illness. If you are going through or have a loved one who has Bipolar this a great eye opener to help you realize what you or someone are going through. It doesn't show a cure obviously, but does show what can help/cope living with Bipolar.
Loved this book! Shows the real side to mental illness. If you are going through or have a loved one who has Bipolar this a great eye opener to help you realize what you or someone are going through. It doesn't show a cure obviously, but does show what can help/cope living with Bipolar.
December 29, 2025
Badly written, badly edited, many things not believable.
Unless the writer is 75+ years old it, well, at the least, interrupts suspension of disbelief that an educated person in North America, who had been to therapy and received evaluations from mental health professionals, could live to the age of 30 before hearing of Bipolar Disorder.
Unless the writer is 75+ years old it, well, at the least, interrupts suspension of disbelief that an educated person in North America, who had been to therapy and received evaluations from mental health professionals, could live to the age of 30 before hearing of Bipolar Disorder.
March 2, 2019
Unbelievably Accurate
I have never imagined that another person could describe my life in such specific derail. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted being that I must not be imagining all this if another person is living it too. I cant thank the author enough for putting voice to this hell we live every day.
I have never imagined that another person could describe my life in such specific derail. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted being that I must not be imagining all this if another person is living it too. I cant thank the author enough for putting voice to this hell we live every day.
January 5, 2019
Count blessings not sheep, 1, 2.
The part where it’s misdiagnosed, along with type two being more prone to drug abuse. Hyper manic episodes.
This is great work.
The part where it’s misdiagnosed, along with type two being more prone to drug abuse. Hyper manic episodes.
This is great work.
June 23, 2018
Reading about myself
Amazing to read a book about bi polar II and it finally sounds like me. Not what people assume bi polar to be. Every word from the feeling to what others will say is spot on and exact reflection of my own life and experiences in finding what it is to be diagnosed as bi polar
Amazing to read a book about bi polar II and it finally sounds like me. Not what people assume bi polar to be. Every word from the feeling to what others will say is spot on and exact reflection of my own life and experiences in finding what it is to be diagnosed as bi polar
February 20, 2017
Very good
I could really relate to this story. I also have bipolar type 2 and went through similar struggles. I could identify with the frustration of being misdiagnosed for so many years as having major depressive disorder, while knowing there is something more to it.
I could really relate to this story. I also have bipolar type 2 and went through similar struggles. I could identify with the frustration of being misdiagnosed for so many years as having major depressive disorder, while knowing there is something more to it.
September 28, 2017
Diary of my brain
While I greatly related to Sarah's Story, the writing was a bit back and forth. It was real and honest and a good look into the mind and life of someone living with BPII.
While I greatly related to Sarah's Story, the writing was a bit back and forth. It was real and honest and a good look into the mind and life of someone living with BPII.
December 20, 2018
familiar
Sarah's story is one i kept nodding along with as i read it. An excellently written book that gives the reader a view of what it is like to be bipolar.
Sarah's story is one i kept nodding along with as i read it. An excellently written book that gives the reader a view of what it is like to be bipolar.
September 28, 2017
Great read
I enjoyed this book a lot. As I suffer from the same illness it is enlightenment to read about how someone else lives with the illness as well.
I enjoyed this book a lot. As I suffer from the same illness it is enlightenment to read about how someone else lives with the illness as well.
March 3, 2018
First person view
A personal glimpse into the world of bipolar II. Very true opening and sad. I feel I understand this a lot better.
A personal glimpse into the world of bipolar II. Very true opening and sad. I feel I understand this a lot better.
November 1, 2018
Valuable and useable information
I don’t feel so alone now that I’ve read this book . I’m thankful someone is speaking out about this
I don’t feel so alone now that I’ve read this book . I’m thankful someone is speaking out about this
September 16, 2019
I read this quickly, and on a momentary whim based on Amazon suggestions.
As a an adult (30 at time of reading) struggling with Bipolar type 2, arguably the lesser, but no less poignant Bipolar, I've been reading everything I can on my condition.
Diagnosed at 23, and destroying, partially, a relationship in the discovery and lack of awareness of it. I find myself continually seeking out any book that might help me understand what I'm doing.
The beginning of this book was solid, interesting, relatable. But then as it progressed I found myself as frustrated and angry as one can reasonably be with someone struggling with Bipolar. After losing a relationship, an attempted suicide, I spent years working on myself, finding what combo of meds, self help, whatever I needed to be functional. As a woman with little to no real responsibilities beyond work, no family, only a job and a new boyfriend. I don't have children, I can't realisticallh fathom the affect they may have on the condition, maybe because I'm a cancer and my rising is gemini (I seriously tried EVERYTHING) I just assume everyone struggling with this would try everything to be functional.
I was so proud, when the author checked herself into a facility when it got to hard. My current partner and I have an agreement that I will not hesitate to do so if I feel it's needed. We also have an agreement, no matter how much I beg, I will not be allowed to leave for at least 48hrs. Our author had no such agreement, understandably, but she still left so quick it was frustrating. But okay, fine, first time can be super hard, I get it.
It's what came next that frustrated me. She checked herself in and out constantly, and never learned from her stay. She'd have a suicidal down, check it, feel better, leave, learn nothing, and end up right back in. There was no discussion of how to better herself, what coping mechanisms she learned, ehat triggers she learned, she went back to status quo, and then went back to the facility. What drove me insane was that she is a mom. When you become a mom, it's not about you anymore, and you have to do everything you can to take control of your mental illness. I'm working hard to control it with just the goal of being a mom someday. I get it's hard, I struggle everyday. But she felt like she got her diagnosis and went "welp, this is me" and never bothered to try and inprove herself or take what meager control she could of her illness. She just succumbed to it. By the fourth time she went in, I lost patience.
She came off like a child, one who didn't care to improve, or who she hurt along the way. It felt like whenever she wanted to get away, she'd throw a tantrum and comnit herself. The problem with this, is if I think this, someone with a form of her disorder, what does someone who can't truly fathom our disorder think? It's a stereotypical, negative portrayal of bipolar, one that perpetuates the idea that we are just crazy, we are absent, we aren't good parents. She felt like a teenager and furthered the misunderstanding of the mental illnesd through her lack of attempt at understanding it herself.
On top of this, the writing suddenly fell apart, it was like she missed her deadline and had to turn something in quickly, it was wellwritten and then suddenly very short, too the point, bullet point summaries of long blocks of time. The book lost it's purpose and I was left not understanding what her message was.
She neither overcame, or succumbed (arguably) to her disorder. If she succumbed, it wasn't written as a warning, she seems oblivious to her poor handling of it. She suffered no awareness of remorse, or desire to improve. If someone new to the disorder read this, or a loved one of someone diagnosed, it would serve only to confirm every stereotype.
For anyone reading this who suffers from Bipolar, you have hope, whether it's medication, counselling, admittance, work with your choice, learn, adapt, be strong. Don't fall into the awful self desteuctive cycle this writer did.
I suggest the books, Of Moods and Madness, Welcome to the Jungle, Resilience, and Loving someone with Bipolar. You have options, you aren't flawed, you are stronger than you think.
As a an adult (30 at time of reading) struggling with Bipolar type 2, arguably the lesser, but no less poignant Bipolar, I've been reading everything I can on my condition.
Diagnosed at 23, and destroying, partially, a relationship in the discovery and lack of awareness of it. I find myself continually seeking out any book that might help me understand what I'm doing.
The beginning of this book was solid, interesting, relatable. But then as it progressed I found myself as frustrated and angry as one can reasonably be with someone struggling with Bipolar. After losing a relationship, an attempted suicide, I spent years working on myself, finding what combo of meds, self help, whatever I needed to be functional. As a woman with little to no real responsibilities beyond work, no family, only a job and a new boyfriend. I don't have children, I can't realisticallh fathom the affect they may have on the condition, maybe because I'm a cancer and my rising is gemini (I seriously tried EVERYTHING) I just assume everyone struggling with this would try everything to be functional.
I was so proud, when the author checked herself into a facility when it got to hard. My current partner and I have an agreement that I will not hesitate to do so if I feel it's needed. We also have an agreement, no matter how much I beg, I will not be allowed to leave for at least 48hrs. Our author had no such agreement, understandably, but she still left so quick it was frustrating. But okay, fine, first time can be super hard, I get it.
It's what came next that frustrated me. She checked herself in and out constantly, and never learned from her stay. She'd have a suicidal down, check it, feel better, leave, learn nothing, and end up right back in. There was no discussion of how to better herself, what coping mechanisms she learned, ehat triggers she learned, she went back to status quo, and then went back to the facility. What drove me insane was that she is a mom. When you become a mom, it's not about you anymore, and you have to do everything you can to take control of your mental illness. I'm working hard to control it with just the goal of being a mom someday. I get it's hard, I struggle everyday. But she felt like she got her diagnosis and went "welp, this is me" and never bothered to try and inprove herself or take what meager control she could of her illness. She just succumbed to it. By the fourth time she went in, I lost patience.
She came off like a child, one who didn't care to improve, or who she hurt along the way. It felt like whenever she wanted to get away, she'd throw a tantrum and comnit herself. The problem with this, is if I think this, someone with a form of her disorder, what does someone who can't truly fathom our disorder think? It's a stereotypical, negative portrayal of bipolar, one that perpetuates the idea that we are just crazy, we are absent, we aren't good parents. She felt like a teenager and furthered the misunderstanding of the mental illnesd through her lack of attempt at understanding it herself.
On top of this, the writing suddenly fell apart, it was like she missed her deadline and had to turn something in quickly, it was wellwritten and then suddenly very short, too the point, bullet point summaries of long blocks of time. The book lost it's purpose and I was left not understanding what her message was.
She neither overcame, or succumbed (arguably) to her disorder. If she succumbed, it wasn't written as a warning, she seems oblivious to her poor handling of it. She suffered no awareness of remorse, or desire to improve. If someone new to the disorder read this, or a loved one of someone diagnosed, it would serve only to confirm every stereotype.
For anyone reading this who suffers from Bipolar, you have hope, whether it's medication, counselling, admittance, work with your choice, learn, adapt, be strong. Don't fall into the awful self desteuctive cycle this writer did.
I suggest the books, Of Moods and Madness, Welcome to the Jungle, Resilience, and Loving someone with Bipolar. You have options, you aren't flawed, you are stronger than you think.
May 9, 2019
Reading this book is like reading someone else's journal. The writing is simple, clear, and above all else, REAL. Even with a diagnosis of Bipolar Type II two years ago, it didn't really hit me that I was not alone in my strange, unusual, quirky ways, until I read Sarah Loucks' book. Finally, for the first time ever, I really believe that I am not broken. I am not weak. I am not a hypochondriac. I am not alone. I have an illness and I've had it all of my life. Does it define me? Maybe. Does it matter? Not really. Thanks for finishing the book, Sarah (I know how hard that must have been). And thanks for being brave enough to put all of those difficult, private thoughts, moments, experiences - onto paper in the first place. I'm ordering a few extra copies of this book to give to several close family members.
May 22, 2018
An interesting story of a bipolar misdiagnosed with depression. After battling several incompetent doctors/psychologists/therapists, the author finally figures out she is bipolar. Kudos to her husband, who does everything possible to support her and determine her correct diagnosis. The book could have badly used a copy editor, as the author doesn't know the principal parts of "to lie" and "to lay" and misspells the occasional word.
A pretty awful narrative of what she went through before finding out her true diagnosis and being put on the right medications. Great mother who tells her repeatedly to snap out of it and that she's lazy and just putting on an act.
A good book if you can get past all the misspellings and grammatical mistakes.
A pretty awful narrative of what she went through before finding out her true diagnosis and being put on the right medications. Great mother who tells her repeatedly to snap out of it and that she's lazy and just putting on an act.
A good book if you can get past all the misspellings and grammatical mistakes.
March 1, 2018
This book couldn't have been less emotional if it had been written by a computer. It was nothing but a chronicling of the author's life - step by step in her process of recognizing that she was born Bipolar II. Speaking as someone who also has Bipolar II I wanted to connect with this book. I recognized a lot of similar moments from my own childhood. The difference being that I can't talk about it like it happened to an alternate reality me. It happened to ME, and I have emotions about that. Sarah Loucks doesn't, for some reason.
May 23, 2018
Really good writing
I chose this book because I have been looking for interesting material on living with Bipolar II, a disorder I share with the author.
I really enjoyed the lack of sugar coating on the subject. For instance, going to the crisis centers, hospitals, and psych wards can be terrifying and very traumatizing.
Thank you to Sarah for bravely putting herself out there.
I chose this book because I have been looking for interesting material on living with Bipolar II, a disorder I share with the author.
I really enjoyed the lack of sugar coating on the subject. For instance, going to the crisis centers, hospitals, and psych wards can be terrifying and very traumatizing.
Thank you to Sarah for bravely putting herself out there.
January 28, 2019
Wow!!! Best book for anyone whom had this daily struggle!!!
This is the best real life book ie example of what a person struggling daily with bipolar 2. I have struggled with being bipolar 2 since I was 14 years old. More people need to be compassionate regarding this disorder and come to understand it's issues. amazing book and great testimony. I will be recommending this everywhere. Thank you for writing it and sharing your struggle.💯
This is the best real life book ie example of what a person struggling daily with bipolar 2. I have struggled with being bipolar 2 since I was 14 years old. More people need to be compassionate regarding this disorder and come to understand it's issues. amazing book and great testimony. I will be recommending this everywhere. Thank you for writing it and sharing your struggle.💯
March 30, 2019
Excellent for folks suffering with bipolar II symptoms as well as for those who have loved ones suffering from this frustrating illness, the author personalizes her story and provides insight and understanding of the experience of living with bipolar II along with how she has coped with it at different times. It is a quick read and I was grateful that it did not overwhelm me with medical/technical details.
January 23, 2020
Insight
An enlightening book about living with Bipolar II. The narrative is sad but demystifying. Sarah really tells it like it is. She doesn't sugar-coat or downplay the seriousness of this disability. I readily identified with her symptoms and also her reluctance to commit suicide. (Just because you talk yourself out of it doesn't mean you're not suicidal.) The book gave me more insight into my son-in-law's problems.
An enlightening book about living with Bipolar II. The narrative is sad but demystifying. Sarah really tells it like it is. She doesn't sugar-coat or downplay the seriousness of this disability. I readily identified with her symptoms and also her reluctance to commit suicide. (Just because you talk yourself out of it doesn't mean you're not suicidal.) The book gave me more insight into my son-in-law's problems.
April 24, 2020
A very interesting read. Took about an hour.
This book is the author’s journal. The language is plain; there are typos; there are so many more parts to the story I wish I could read, but they for some reason weren’t written. Normally, all this would drive me nuts as a reader. In this case, those things supported the narrative. This book opened my eyes to the severity of Bipolar Type II. It was fascinating, heartbreaking, and brutally honest. All in all, I’m glad this book is out there.
This book is the author’s journal. The language is plain; there are typos; there are so many more parts to the story I wish I could read, but they for some reason weren’t written. Normally, all this would drive me nuts as a reader. In this case, those things supported the narrative. This book opened my eyes to the severity of Bipolar Type II. It was fascinating, heartbreaking, and brutally honest. All in all, I’m glad this book is out there.
March 18, 2019
Review
I have severe depression, and while I personally couldn’t relate to the hypomanic episodes, I did relate completely with the depressive episodes as she described them. The author perfectly described my depression in a way I’ve never been able to articulate, and helped me to feel a lot less alone. I can’t wait to read the second one.
I have severe depression, and while I personally couldn’t relate to the hypomanic episodes, I did relate completely with the depressive episodes as she described them. The author perfectly described my depression in a way I’ve never been able to articulate, and helped me to feel a lot less alone. I can’t wait to read the second one.
August 26, 2019
For those who deal with mental health issues
This book will make you feel less alone. I don't suffer from Bipolar 2, but I have other mental health issues and this book is spot on for the feelings I have while dealing with it in day to day life. I love the flow of the book as well as the brutal honesty of feeling broken inside .
This book will make you feel less alone. I don't suffer from Bipolar 2, but I have other mental health issues and this book is spot on for the feelings I have while dealing with it in day to day life. I love the flow of the book as well as the brutal honesty of feeling broken inside .
September 6, 2019
Read this book..It May help you or someone you know
The author is spot on about the problems of being misdiagnosed,uncaring psychiatrists, and having unsupportive family. But it gave me hope and a little peace of mind. Once I started reading,I couldn’t put it down. It’s very interesting,honest and an easy read.
The author is spot on about the problems of being misdiagnosed,uncaring psychiatrists, and having unsupportive family. But it gave me hope and a little peace of mind. Once I started reading,I couldn’t put it down. It’s very interesting,honest and an easy read.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 50 reviews