To Siri With Love: A Mother, Her Autistic Son, and the Kindness of a Machine

by Judith Newman

Writer Judith Newman never had any illusions that her family was 'normal'. She and her husband keep separate apartments-his filled with twin grand pianos as befits a former opera singer; hers filled with the clutter and chaos of twin adolescent boys conceived late in life. And one of those boys is Gus, her sweet, complicated, autistic 13-year-old.

With refreshing honesty, To Siri With Love chronicles one year in the life of Gus and the family around him -- a family with the same crazy ups and downs as any other. And at the heart of the book lies Gus's passionate friendship with Siri, Apple's 'intelligent personal assistant'. Unlike her human counterparts, Siri always has the right answers to Gus's incessant stream of questions about the intricacies of national rail schedules, or box turtle varieties, and she never runs out of patience. She always makes sure Gus enunciates and even teaches him manners by way of her warm yet polite tone and her programmed insistence on civility.

Equal parts funny and touching, this is a book that will make your heart brim, and then break it. Warm, wise and always honest, Judith Newman shows us a new world where artificial intelligence is beginning to meet emotional intelligence -- a world that will shape our children in ways both wonderful and unexpected.

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Autistic Spectrum Disorder, Biography, Audiobook, Psychology, Parenting

196 pages, Kindle Edition

First published August 24, 2017

Reviews

[Rae · Rating 1 out of 5]

NOPE.

It's pretty concerning to see that the average rating on this book is 4 stars... it's incredibly ableist and endorses forcibly sterilizing children with autism... The closed mindedness and lack of empathy towards her child is staggering. Additionally, the author has been incredibly rude and dismissive of autistics when they've reached out to her to tell her why the book is problematic. I don't know a single autistic person that read any part of this book and wasn't appalled and upset by it.

[Kaija Rayne · Rating 1 out of 5]

*I received an e-review copy from the publisher in exchange for an unbiased review.

I’m going to break with my usual format for reviews for this travesty.

I’m not sharing the blurb, because it paints this book in far too positive a light for its content.

I just went to Amazon and am appalled that it’s still ranking at 4 stars. Anyone who starred it as anything more than a 1 ought to be ashamed of themselves. I just took a look at some of the 5 star reviews here on goodreads and I'm certain many of them haven't read the book because they get very salient details wrong.

I HAVE read the book. It made me puke it's so terrible.

I chose to read this book because I’d seen it talked about as being harmful in #actuallyautistic circles, and not many of us had (yet) had a chance to read it.

So even having seen the horrific screenshots that were circulating about it, I still wrote to the publisher requesting a review copy. I identified myself as an #actuallyautistic reviewer.

Before I started reading this book, I thought I knew how much the neurotypical world hated me, and those like me, for how my brain works.

I was wrong.

I was so, so, wrong.

This book broke something in me, some faith in neurotypical humanity that I’d, somehow, managed to keep a hold of.

I started reading it on a bit of a whim, I mean… surely it couldn’t actually be THAT bad? Right?

SO WRONG.

It was worse.

I mean… a mom loves her autistic kid, she even wrote a book billed as ‘a love letter’ from a mom to her autistic son.

This book in no way shape or form resembles anything I understand as love, and no, that’s not because I’m autistic.

I understand deeply, to the bone, what love means. That bull about autistics not understanding or having empathy is some sort of jacked-up crap that I don’t even know where it comes from.

No… it’s the AUTHOR of this book that doesn’t understand love.

It’s the sheer lack of empathy the author shows, both to autistics and to her sons.

I admit, at times, reading this, I wondered if the person who wrote it might not be autistic themselves, but no. No, she isn’t.

I’ve never, EVER, met or talked to or even heard of a person who is #actuallyautistic who expresses such a profound lack of empathy, so much headstrong willingness to harm an entire population of people who were minding their own business, TWO of whom are her sons… (Cause there is no way on earth that Henry isn't ALSO autistic. He just presents differently. Surprise bad-mom-author person, you have TWO autistic sons.

There are things that can be seriously wrong with the human brain that mimic some of the aspects of autism.

I don’t know WHAT is truly wrong with this woman, but I guarantee you something is. She needs help. SERIOUS help.

It isn’t autism, though.

I hope this book dies the ignoble death it deserves.

I hope everyone involved in it is utterly ashamed of themselves for having anything to do with putting it onto the market.

I hope anyone who read any part of the worst parts and agreed with those parts… I hope you, too, feel ashamed of yourself.

I hope if you bought it, that you donate an equal or greater amount to an #actuallyautistic author.

This book is absolutely harmful in so very many ways that I can’t even enumerate them all.

ANYTHING advocating eugenics should never be written, never be read, not historically, but especially not in today’s day and age.

Anyone sharing such very personal information about their autistic son without his permission shouldn't have EVER made it past a first stage acquisitions editor or slush reader.

Anything MOCKING a child in such a cruel way (autistic or not) should be buried in a dung heap rather than lauded by the NYT papers.

Don’t buy this book. Don’t read it. Don’t let it pollute your mind or eyes.

It's harmful, it's disgusting, and I hope the author is absolutely ashamed of herself. She should be.

This is not what autism is, it’s not even close.

I did a series of live-tweets about this book as I read it, in shocked horror, over the past days.

So there. Now the army of NT autism-parents can’t say an autistic reader HASN’T read it (though I’m not the only one who tortured themselves to do so, there are others.)

If you’d like to see the series of tweets, this is the link.

https://twitter.com/KaelanRhy/status/...

The storify is here.

https://storify.com/KaelanRhy/boycott...

Do you know that actually autistic authors (like me) rarely find agents? It's largely because of books and author's like this. Taking up space with tragedy porn when so many more talented, authentic, ownvoices writers starve. I looked for years before giving up. It’s not my writing, it took me two months to land a deal with a reputable publisher without an agent.

Instead of actually autistic people getting to write stories about us and being represented by agents? The ones who get agents are like unicorns. Rare, Mystical, almost MAGICAL

Because people who think they know about autism write books like this one and it gets mass appeal (I’m waiting for the ‘movie deal announcement’ this is tragedy porn at its worst.)

It’s nauseating. I actually vomited twice as I read it. I’m not sick, it’s just that this book is THAT sickening.

Right now? It’s still at number 4 on Amazon in medical ebooks, which blows my mind beyond belief.

I was pre-med, there is so little actually accurate information in this book that I can’t even begin to list it all.

[Jorge Rodighiero · Rating 1 out of 5]

The author mocks her son ("When I think of Gus in a sexual situation it generally has a 'Benny Hill' soundtrack. And anything with that music does not end well.")
She even doubts he is a sentient being ("I want to understand what he's thinking. Is he thinking?")
And finally, she is considering to eliminate his reproductive rights (“I do not want Gus to have children… Gus should not be a parent.” “I will insist on having medical power of attorney, so that I will be able to make the decision about a vasectomy for him after he turns 18.”)

I feel sorry for Gus, a boy that deserves a better future.

[Andrea Tomé · Rating 1 out of 5]

IF YOU CARE ABOUT AUTISTIC PEOPLE, DO NOT BUY THIS BOOK
FYI I have only read the quotes shared on The NY Times article on this book and reviews made by #ActuallyAutistic peeps and that’s enough to grasp how much hurt can this book make.
Plain and simple, Judith advocates eugenics (sterilizing disabled people without their consent) so that her autistic child won’t be able to have children. She also wonders whether he thinks at all, she pokes fun at the very idea of him having sex, violates his privacy by sharing personal stuff and makes inaccurate points that add to the stigma around autism (such as autistic people being unable to feel sympathy).
What’s more, she has quoted #ActuallyAutistic people without their consent and, when called out on that, she went on to rant on whether the parents of those people were incompetent. She also supports Autism Speaks, which likewise spread the idea that autistic people shouldn’t have been born and that they’re a burden to their parents.

Edit: apparently Judith Newman has been telling her Facebook friends to report 1 star reviews on Amazon. Just in case she sends them here too: Judith, I am the godmother of an autistic girl— we relatives should amplify autistic voices, not steal their mic and definitely not spread vile messages like eugenics. You contribute to the stigma around autism.
Info on Judith asking her friends to report 1star reviews: https://internationalbadassactivists....

[Laura · Rating 1 out of 5]

I don’t like leaving negative reviews, but this book is so damn harmful that I must say something.

I’m neurodivergant. I’m successful, I’m married. I have ADHD, Anxiety/panic attacks, & am probably autistic. The last isn’t verified because I am a woman & autism is depressingly, hilariously under diagnosed in girls.

This author does a damn fine example of saying that people like me should be forcibly sterilized.
No. I am human. I get to make my own choices on if I have children or not. Not people like her.

If I sound angry, it’s because I am.

[Petra X · Rating 3 out of 5]

You know how women are always blamed for birth defects, aged mother, didn't eat right, should, as the author thinks, have done yoga, well it turns out with autism that it might well be the father.

A May 2016 report in the American Journal of Stem Cells found that children of men over forty are almost six times as likely to develop autism as those of men under thirty, as well as being of higher risk for Down syndrome and heart defects. The increased risk is thought to involve a buildup of gene mutations in the sperm of older fathers.

The book wasn't as bad as initially thought it would be and there were some interesting episodes. Firstly, I only read one review of this book by a new friend who one-starred it and said that the author's personality was on trial. So from that and the rest of the review I gathered she was the latest author-hate-figure and wanted to read the book, but not be prejudiced by reading other reviews.

The author has no filter at all between her thoughts and writing them. That made it more interesting than the memoirs of people who are caretakers of family members who always seem to present themselves as practically-perfect saints who muddle on through no matter what. I didn't really like the author, but I did lose the absolute loathing of her the introduction and first chapters engendered (see Notes below, if interested).

What I found interesting was how she diagnosed absolutely anyone even mildly quirky as being on "the spectrum" except for her husband who was extremely peculiar. He was 20 years older than her, lived in his own soundproofed apartment - he couldn't stand noise and had OCD about anything, even shoes, being out of order, and went home every night on the subway, as he couldn't stand the thought of having to talk to taxi drivers. He had been an opera singer, but his wife, the author, was the breadwinner of the family. I wonder what responsibility he had for his sons?

Her autistic son was obviously very intelligent, having learned to read at 3. At 16 he got a job in reception at the upscale apartment block they lived. He ultimately lost the job, probably because of his ways which could be seen as over-familiar, interfering and not taking into account the different desires and personaities of the tenants.

It reminded me of the bell boy/luggage man at the hotel I always stay in downtown Miami. He is a nice-looking, over-friendly, over-helpful young man, early 20s. He seems to be on one level, always cheery. No one quite knows why he is so different, but we all presume he's autistic. Over the years, I've chatted to him a lot. Last time he told me he had a Bachelor's in Hotel and Tourism, and is going for his Master's.

From reading my friend's review I gathered that there is some opposition to the author wanting to get her son a vasectomy at 18. I can't see anything wrong with that. It's not a question of him passing his autism on but that he cannot possibly be a father if he cannot even brush his teeth correctly without instruction, each time, yet she doesn't want to curb any possible sex and romantic life he might have. Will probably have as he has a girlfriend who tells him that he has a crush on her (so he must have, he thinks!)

There is a woman here, my ex-bff who dumped me with ignoring me and then some very nasty letters and other things nearly two years ago, some of you might remember my anguish in various reviews. She has a daughter who has many challenges including being only about 12 mentally but physically a beautiful 20 year old young woman. She had planned on something similar for her, but as it happens since she has never been allowed out without her mother - home schooling etc - she has never had a chance to make a single friend let alone a romantic relationship. But still, I saw that it was a good idea. And it is this idea that has generated all the 1 star reviews.

The author makes some statements along the way that I thought were a bit odd, like her lifelong dream was that her son was gay, as which gay man doesn't love his mother? (I thought all the straight ones did too). I did appreciate that the argument deaf and little people have of not having cochlear implants or bone-lengthening surgery because they form communities shouldn't necessarily apply to autistic people, which apparently is a big thing on some forums online. Deaf people have one simple way of communicating if they choose it, little people are only short - but autistic people are all different from each other, so they cannot be called or form a community unto itself with one voice that can speak for all. Anyway, it's all a moot point, there is no cure as yet, or even on the horizon.I personally do not believe in an autistic spectrum. Autistic people generally do not desire company of any kind, they just want their own. Aspergers people usually do want friends and social interaction. I don't see this as the same disorder at all. I see it as opposite disorders each on their own scale.

In that same hotel as the bellboy works in, so does a very good friend of mine in reception. I've known her since before she was pregnant. Her little boy recently turned 7. He is pre-verbal and not toilet trained and may be a slow learner (I don't think so the way he plays with computers), but his autism is very profound. And I read this for my friend Yadi too, to see if there were any insights I could provide her. There were none.
____________________

Notes on beginning the book This is looking like a dnf. I'm only into the first chapter of how Gus is different from his twin brother as a baby and already I hate the author. I know that her writing is of the 'I've investigated this and that's how it is. I am not taking questions, opinionated kind. (We all have to have schtick). And I know she is Jewish. But still, my heart hurt when I read her defence at calling her child, "autistic" rather than person with autism.

She says you don't call a dwarf a dwarf, you don't want to make their obvious disability the main feature, you say, a person with dwarfism". A friend of hers said to her, "For God's sake call me a dwarf", that was the first thing people saw and that wasn't the only interesting thing about him.

"Person with autism", suggests that autism is something bad that one needs distance from. You’d never say “a person with left-handedness” or “a person with Jewishness.” Then again, you might say “a person with cancer.”

That's easy to identify with, right? Different from the norm, "something bad that one needs distance from" possibly.

She says she loves hearing about "brilliant people in history who are now thought to be autistic," thought by whom? Let's have some references to these genius psychologists who can look back in time and can unwaveringly diagnose disorders and disabilities. Hans Asperger himself said not to pathologise the merely eccentric! (Actually Asperger's diagnosed by Asperger was nothing like today's disorder, then it was children who had difficulty in integrating themselves socially and showing empathy towards peers, who lacked nonverbal communication skills and were physically clumsy.. So Einstein, Isaac Newton, Alexander Hamilton, Andy Warhol, Michaelangelo etc etc. were all autistic and that's wonderful! They may have been, they may not have been, they may have had some weird eccentricities, but that doesn't make them autistic.

Then she says something really peculiar, "if you want to know whose constantly monitoring and updating pages on public transport timetables" (and guest appearances on Sesame Street and meteorological data), "look no further than the ASD community." It wouldn't be staff employed by the local public transport or meteorological offices, or the PR clerk for Sesame Street would it? I'm sure some ASD people do, but the way she puts it, it is 100% ASD people with an obsession doing it.

In the Caribbean there is a constantly updated meteorological blog, StormCarib, I know the owner, I know a few of the correspondents personally from the islands, I know one who often updates a few times a day and with pictures, none of them have any form of autism that I could see.

So now I'm beginning to think this author is not someone whose words I could trust, she's going to write whatever fits in with her opinions as them carved in stone.

The author is so American. She knows there is something wrong with her son - he has been diagnosed with a sensory issue but not with autism as yet and writes, "I should have taken anti-depressants" since she was worried all the time. That's not clinical depression, that's a normal reaction, why does everything have to be medicated? And, whenever Gus (who is a very little boy at this point) hides in the closet during a thunderstorm, "I think, if only I had taken pregnancy yoga". I'm not making fun of Americans (or only gently) but if you are British, those things really show the differences in our cultures.

I could go on, I did read on, but it's obvious that the author annoys the hell out of me, so why bother? I haven't yet decided because I need a light book to read, since I also reading Metazoa: Animal Life and the Birth of the Mind which needs major concentration and not much good for reading at night.

3.5 stars. Rounded down.

[Janani · Rating 1 out of 5]

Hard pass. Eugenics in the name of parenting is still heinous. This is super dehumanizing of autistic folks.

[Henry · Rating 1 out of 5]

Absolutely disgusting piece of work. As an autistic person this actually makes me feel ill, a reminder that this is what people think is acceptable, and what the parents of autistic people (probably including my own) read and believe.

Just as a SUMMARY of some of the disgusting things in this book:

- Advocates eugenics, this is probably the big one, the author speaks several times about wanting to force-sterilize her son, Gus. It's beyond disgusting that anyone would even think about doing this to their child, she finds the possibility of him ever having a life of his own, romantic/sexual relationships, or being a parent so abhorrent because he's autistic that she's willing to force him to go through that.
- Constantly mocks Gus and implies regularly that he is not self-aware or as "complete" as an allistic person. She regularly dehumanizes him in general. Refers to autistic people as being like pets who leech off their parents for life, and robots without thought, emotion, or sense of self.
- Doesn't ask her son for his consent in information about him being shared despite sharing huge amounts on him, including texts.
- The incredibly huge red flags for abuse, oh so many of them. It's disgusting.
- She's just generally oh so so so self-centered. Newman has a woe-is-me attitude about every single thing that involves Gus, she doesn't seem to feel any empathy for him whatsoever and is completely unwilling to make changes or accommodations for him. She speaks about HERSELF and how SHE should be pitied when Gus hides in the closet during thunderstorms. She shows a huge amount of favouritism with regards to her sons, she wants to embarrass Gus because she thinks he's incapable of feeling embarrassment, she fantasizes about him being "normal" so that he'd be perfect in her eyes and not "broken". It's really nasty and she somehow seems to think it's acceptable.

There's a lot more to that, but I'm tired and I don't want to submit a wall of text a chapter long, please just don't read this book. It's disgusting.

[Tara L. Campbell · Rating 1 out of 5]

Advocating for sterilisation because someone is not neurotypical is wrong. The practice is called eugenics and is one of the biggest travesties this country participated in within the last 100 years. To do this to your own child? That's incomprehensible.

Before anyone rushes out to praise yet another tragic "autism mommy" tale, reach out to an #ActuallyAutistic person. There are many ASD adults now who have gone on to successfully raise children and lead independent lives.

[Sky · Rating 1 out of 5]

#BoycottToSiri - The reason I’m putting this here is, from some quotes that have been discussed in this book encourage the sterilization and dehumanization of handicapped/disabled people. And I will NOT stand for that.
Quotes for reference - (this is a mother talking about her son FYI)
“I am deeply worried about the idea that he could get someone pregnant and yet could never be a real father - which is why I will insist on having medical power of attorney, so that I will be able to make the decision about a vasectomy for him after he turns 18.”
"When I think of Gus in a sexual situation it generally has a 'Benny Hill' soundtrack. And anything with that music does not end well."

[Kaelyn · Rating 1 out of 5]

"I want to understand what he's thinking. *Is* he thinking?" Wow, what a *beautiful* thing to say about your son. (Sarcasm)

Being a eugenics advocate is already terrible, but towards your own flesh and blood? #Disgusting

She contradicts herself by even stating that she believes no girl will find him even attractive in that way (see quote 2) – but then still wants to get him sterilized?! What gives her the right to think she should be able to do that to him? An independent human being with dreams, thoughts, and hobbies.

(Relevant quote #2 attached here: "However much I loved my son, I could not imagine that any girl, anywhere, would find him interesting at this point.")

She should be looked into as a mother for revealing her son's very personal information, including messages between friends without his express permission & that's not even mentioning the gross aspect of thinking about her son in sexual manners, and then humiliating him even FURTHER by adding a soundtrack to those perverse thoughts (see quote 3 below.)

Quote 3: "When I think of Gus in a sexual situation it generally has a 'Benny Hill' soundtrack. And anything with that music does not end well."

What is wrong with this woman?! Why would you degrade your child, or actually anyone in such a way?

Also, her extreme level of ableism is horrifying.

Here's yet another quote: "Your kid will be running a company or law firm; she will be ministering to people's bodies or souls or raising families or running marathons. Mine will do none of those things."

How can someone so hateful and autistic-shaming have so many "good" reviews? Does no one else hear how horrible she is being towards her child?

What a disgrace to mothers everywhere, and to anyone who has ever had any type of interaction with someone who is on the spectrum. #BoycottToSiri

[Rose · Rating 1 out of 5]

A book about a mother who wants to sterilise her son because he’s disabled and ‘no one will love him anyway’ doesn’t deserve a spot in a bestselling list.

[Ollie · Rating 1 out of 5]

If you have any respect for autistic people, don't read this book.
Another book to add to the ever growing list of Autism Moms who exploit their autistic children for profit. The author wonders if her child is even thinking and if he's a human. I honestly feel bad for the child when he grows up and I hope to god he never reads this.
The author bluntly states that once her son turns 18 she will sterilise him, whether or not he consents to it. She supports eugenics because she doesn't think autistic people should be parents. She also thinks about him having sex, which is a bit creepy for a mother.
Honestly you'd be better off donating the price to charities like the Autistic Self Adovacy Network or Autism Women's Network.

[Karrie Higgins · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book endorses forced sterilization of the author's autistic son, which is eugenics. Why are so many readers giving a pro-eugenics book 5 stars? As a disabled, neurodivergent person, this concerns me greatly. This book is ableist and disturbing. Meanwhile, there are many talented autistic writers out there who deserve a platform to tell their own stories but aren't getting agents and book contracts.

[Greta G · Rating 4 out of 5]

There's a war going on, and I feel like I'm in the middle of it, just by trying to write a balanced review.
The adult autistic community has called out for a boycott against this book (#BoycottToSiri).
You'll find a lot of 1 star reviews as a result of this boycott, also from sympathizers who haven't read the book. As a result, this book has a low average rating of 2,93.

The author, Judith, is a middle-aged woman, married to a 30 year older man, John, while keeping separate apartments. She's had several miscarriages (5 or 6) before she gave birth to the twin boys Gus and Henry. Still at a young age, Gus is diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder.
She wrote her memoir when the boys were 14 or 15 year old, as an extension of her short story with the same title, published and still available to read at https://www.nytimes.com/2014/10/19/fa...
Judith shares a lot of details about her family's private life in general and about her autistic son in particular and she talks about their worries, the challenges, the highs and the lows.
At the heart of her memoir are her yearning for bonding and communication with Gus ; her concerns for providing Gus with the best education and therapy she possibly can find, tailored to meet his special needs ; her fears for the future and what will become of Gus when she's no longer around to care for him.

I applaud the writer for her honesty, frankness and courage by sharing these personal stories and showing her feelings and opinions about her family's life with autism.
I closed this book (well, actually my iPad) with a feeling of deep affection for Gus, and with a better understanding of what it can entail for a family to live with autism.

While the book was well written and sometimes funny, a couple of her jokes were inappropriate and at the expense of her son Gus. You may also question the author's sense of respect for her beloved ones' privacy.
But claiming that Judith is ableist, towards autistic people, is in my opinion highly exaggerated.
To be honest, I felt she was also occasionally disrespectful towards her son Henry, and her husband John.
Although this occasional disrespect for her family members left me with a bad taste in my mouth, there's also a lot of self-deprecating humour to be found throughout the book, so I don't want to judge her too quickly or too harshly. It may be her way with dealing with difficulties in her life.
I can understand though that people on the spectrum who read the book, are highly sensitive for any diminishing remark concerning their autism, just like anybody who's a victim of discrimination or verbal abuse would be.

A GR friend who also read the book, wrote : "Right now Judith's (the author's) personality is on trial more than the book, and I feel very bad for her... But the claim that she does not love her son is completely wrong. It's awful to see someone's personality and motherhood on trial instead of their book."
I completely agree.
Boycotting an author and her book for a couple of rather tasteless jokes, remarks and opinions, while I thought there was certainly enough proof of respect and self-criticism to be found in the book, is counterproductive. To me, the author becomes the victim, the underdog.
Judith had every right to write honestly about her experiences and to express her feelings and opinions. So I don't agree with these criticisms :

"I firmly believe autistic stories should be told by autistic people, this book is a very extreme example of why.
I wouldn't even trust my own mother to do it, because even with the best intentions (which this author clearly didn't have) you just haven't lived it."

"speaking as an autistic person, this book is extremely damaging to autistic people. unfortunately narratives such as this are very common, parents talking about how wonderful they are for dealing with the burden that is an autistic child. It's disgusting.
autistic people are more than capable of making our own decisions (yes, even "low-functioning" autistic people). autistic voices need to be heard when it comes to autism narratives, not autism moms, not psychologists, autistic people."

Parenting can be a challenge sometimes, but the bonding and communication is highly rewarding, as is seeing them grow up and become independent. But what if this turns out to be harder than expected?
This book is dead honest and deeply human. Judith doesn't try to be political correct, and she doesn't cut corners in order to not anger ; it's a realistic life-story. It may not be a handbook for perfect parenting, but every parent can relate with the author's plight.

[Ryan Boren · Rating 1 out of 5]

I’m an autistic parent of autistic kids. I feel sorry for Gus, not because he is autistic, but because his mother is a dangerous and poisonous person who dehumanizes and demeans him. She is deeply ableist and eugenicist. This book is the toxic distillation of autism warrior parent pathologies. No one should treat a kid like this, autistic or otherwise. The book is full of ableism and emotional abuse. Gus is treated like a project, not a person. It’s hard to read without retching and crying.

This book is harmful. It compromises the safety and security of autistic people. It contributes to social biases that prevent autistic people from getting the support they need. Almost everything it advocates is contrary to the recommendations made by autistic people themselves.

Autistic people, like all people, need acceptance, patience, and love. We don’t need to be fixed. We need to be accepted. First and foremost, we need to be accepted by our own families. We need to feel loved and safe in our own homes. We need respect for our stims, our special interests, and our privacy. This book is devoid of such respect.

That this book has gotten so many good reviews betrays a societal lack of empathy and critical capacity. A pernicious stereotype about autism is that autistic people lack empathy. To be openly autistic is to encounter and endure this supremely harmful trope. One of the cruel ironies of autistic life is that autistic folks are likely to be hyper-empathic. Another irony is that neurotypicals and NT society are really, really bad at empathy and reciprocity. When your neurotype is the default, you have little motivation to grow critical capacity. Marginalization develops critical distance and empathic imagination. The truly empathically impoverished are those who think treating any human being the way Gus is treated by his own family is acceptable.

I recommend the piece “How ‘Autism Warrior Parents’ Harm Autistic Kids” on TheEstablishment.co. It has the number of this author. It describes the stereotypical Autism Warrior Parent that is all too familiar to autistic people. This book is peak Autism Warrior Parent. Do not be like the author. Seek instead the actually autistic community. We are the ones best equipped to help. Find us in the #ActuallyAutistic and #AskingAutistics hashtags on Twitter and other social media. Read our impressions of this book in #BoycottToSiri.

I’ll conclude with some relevant quotes from “How ‘Autism Warrior Parents’ Harm Autistic Kids”.

“Autism Warrior Parents (AWPs) insist on supporting their autistic kids either by trying to cure them, or by imposing non-autistic-oriented goals on them — rather than by trying to understand how their kids are wired, and how that wiring affects their life experience. Ironically, an AWP’s choices not only interfere with their own kid’s happiness and security, but contribute to social biases that prevent autistic people of all ages from getting the supports they need. Worst of all, by publicly rejecting their own children’s autism and agency, and by tending to hog the autism spotlight, AWPs are partially responsible for the public’s tendency to sympathize with parents rather than autistic kids — which, at its most extreme, can mean excusing parents and caretakers who murder their autistic charges.”

"Autism Warrior Parents are those who, for whatever reason, refuse to accept their autistic child’s actual reality and needs, and instead put their energies into absolute change or control of that child."

"I suspect the main problem with Autism Warrior Parents is that, in treating autism as something to “fight” or “defeat,” they commit themselves to battle with an important part of their own child’s life."

"Enmeshed in fear and loathing toward autism, they (AWPs) condition themselves to forget that their children are fully human, and that humans respond best to compassion."

[Louise Thompson · Rating 1 out of 5]

Nope, just not in to books written by parents with fantasies of forcibly sterilising their kids without consent.

[Rachel · Rating 1 out of 5]

“I am still deeply worried about the idea that he could get someone pregnant and yet could never be a real father – which is why I will insist on having medical power of attorney, so that I will be able to make the decision about a vasectomy for him after he turns 18.”

The autistic community (which I am part of) is calling for a boycott of this book, in which a mother decides she wants to get power of attorney over her high-functioning autistic son when he turns 18 to get a vasectomy as well as many other extremely dangerous view points. I, like others in the autistic community, am not broken. I am not a disease that needs to be cured or something that needs to be fixed. My brain is simply wired differently, and the world is lucky to have me and my fellow autistic people in it.

People with autism have done some amazing things, just look at Temple Grandin, Bill Gates, Mozart, Daryl Hannah, Tim Burton and so many more. We are an amazing, loving, wonderful community, and this kind of toxic thinking, is what encourages people to support and create organizations like Autism Speaks, which is actively trying to eradicate autism.

We are not broken. We do not need to disappear. We are whole people, and I hope some day this mother loves and embraces her son for exactly who he is.

Edit: please see this link for more info https://twitter.com/amythestschaber/s...

[Corey · Rating 1 out of 5]

Picked this up because I am an autistic adult. Apparently eugenics is heartwarming and funny for some people. As someone with children of my own who are also on the spectrum I don't find it either. Horrible parenting but sadly it will resonate with other autistic parents because their autistic child's life is about them and not the child.

[aliza · Rating 1 out of 5]

awful

[Jason Thayer · Rating 1 out of 5]

This is a terrible book by a mother of twin boys, one of whom is autistic. She does not appear to love her child. She will be either fascinated or annoyed (at best) by his quirks and interests. She constantly wishes both her children were normal and has very little positive things to say about her child. On top of that, she wishes to force her autistic son to have a vasectomy.

[Alex Phillips · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book is harmful to people with autism. It dehumanizes autistic people and endorses eugenics.

Saying things like “I do not want Gus to have children… Gus should not be a parent.”, “I will insist on having medical power of attorney, so that I will be able to make the decision about a vasectomy for him after he turns 18.” is forced sterilization. I repeat, endorsing eugenics. And an entirely ableist and ignorant view, as there are many autistic people who are good parents.

She didn't ask her son for consent, and spent most of the book embarrassing and insulting him. That boy, not only does not deserve to be treated as such, but also don't deserve to have that mistreatment broadcasted for the world to see. I would be mortified if I were a teen and I found out that my mother was selling books talking intimately about my future sex life. Gus doesn't deserve this.

The author also used quotes from autistic activists without permission and blocked those activists when they expressed discomfort.

If you want the know the perspective of an autistic person, or advice on how to be a parent to an autistic person, try asking someone who is #ActuallyAutistic. Because, believe it or not (well, it seems like the author doesn't believe it), autistic people are sentient human beings. Just because autistic people function differently from neurotypicals, doesn't mean that they are any less of a person.

Anyone who supports this book should never be anywhere near an autistic person, especially children.

[Sarah A-F · Rating 1 out of 5]

“Just a public service announcement. If you are planning on reading or gifting "To Siri With Love" by Judith Newman, please be aware that the autistic community has called for a boycott.
The book is a grotesque invasion of the 13-year old son's privacy including her cruel observations that imagining him having sex is accompanied by the Benny Hill soundtrack in her head. She plans to acquire power of attorney to have him sterilized when he is 18, despite the fact that he is considered "high-functioning" (i.e. like me - I don't like to use functioning lables, but i want to be clear, he may have his own reasonable plans about starting a family.)
Books having a long shelf life, thes tell-all laughing at his struggles with social communication, motor apraxia, etc. may make her a lot of money and has gotten her on the NYT book list, however thata book is going to follow him for the rest of his life. It is child abuse in printed format."

#BoycottToSiri copied and pasted.

[Zoe · Rating 1 out of 5]

Utter trash.

The author has written very personal details about her teenage autistic son without asking his permission. She wrote that when he is 18 she will insist on getting medical power-of-attorney to force him to undergo a vasectomy because she doesn't think he is capable of being a father because he is autistic. Eugenics, anyone?

She appears to be unable to show any love or empathy for her son, which is ironic because she thinks that's something he can't do for her/others, while clearly detailing instances where he is blatantly crying out to show her love and affection. She just rejects it. It's gross.

There's so much more but I can't bring myself to type it all out. I don't usually write reviews but this book made me angry so here we are.

It's harmful. The stuff she has written is harmful, not only to her son, but to all autistics. People/parents of autistic children will read this book and think the author's behaviour is OK, so they'll do it too. It's not OK. It's ableist bullshit, and ultimately child abuse. It's toxic and appalling.

[K.N. Tristan · Rating 3 out of 5]

It must be very hard to write a parenting book knowing that the act of doing so will open you up to scrutiny and criticism, and doubly hard when your child has autism. I am not a parent and I am not Gus's parent so clearly I have no room to judge.

But.

I had a hard time with some of the content in this book. Power of attorney to vasectomy your autistic son runs right up against the 'sterilize the mentally handicapped' line that we all realized was wrong decades ago.

And what was all that stuff in the beginning about pronouns, which had absolutely nothing to do with autism or this family? I knew before I even got done with the author's note that this was not going to be a woman I would get along with in the real world, and it colored my reception of her message.

[Eilís Nolan · Rating 1 out of 5]

The other reviews say it better than I could but this child deserves better.

[Beth M · Rating 1 out of 5]

This author uses stories of others without permission and instead of being open to their requests for being removed, Newman openly denied them, gaslit them, informed them they should be "grateful for the wider audience exposure" and then ultimately blocked them.

Newman is NOT interested in promoting awareness, just wants to make money and be the next big bestseller.

Buy better books for information and not Newman's crap.

If you need further evidence here is a Twitter thread of one person's interaction with the author (posted with permission).

https://twitter.com/amythestschaber/s...

[Emorie · Rating 1 out of 5]

This woman wants to force her son to have a vasectomy. This book is actively harmful to the autistic community. Please don't give this awful human money.

[Sarah · Rating 1 out of 5]

This is one of those cases where I should have investigated a little further than the blurb before requesting a review copy from Amazon because if I’d seen any of the negative comments sooner I wouldn’t have touched this book with a barge pole.

I found a lot of the book incredibly offensive, the author comes across as incredibly judgemental right from the “Author’s Note” at the beginning and the way she talks about her own son is just despicable.

I ended up skim reading a lot of this book just because I found it so awful but I’ll include a couple of quotes so you can make up your mind. Please remember that this is a mother talking about her 13-year-old child:

“I want to understand what he’s thinking. Is he thinking?” Pg 55

- It’s like she doesn’t even think her son is human.

“Nobody wants to visualise their child that intimately, but when I think of Gus in a sexual situation it generally has a ‘Benny Hill’ soundtrack. And anything with that music does not end well. A vasectomy is so easy. A couple of snips, a couple of days of ice in your pants, and voila! A life free of worry. Or one less worry. For me.” Pg 122

- I have no words, especially considering the next quote…

“I am still deeply worried about the idea that he could get someone pregnant and yet could never be a real father – which is why I will insist on having medical power of attorney, so that I will be able to make the decision about a vasectomy for him after he turns 18.” Pg 192

- No this isn’t a joke this author seriously talks about sterilising her own son without his permission just because he is autistic. To even think something like that is horrendous but to publish it in a book like it’s something you’re proud of is disgusting.

I honestly can't recommend this book for anyone, I can't even bring myself to donate it to the library or a charity shop like I do most of the other books I'm not planning on keeping - this is headed straight for the trash heap where it belongs.

[sam · Rating 1 out of 5]

ableist trash