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Gracious: A Practical Primer on Charm, Tact, and Unsinkable Strength
From New York Times bestselling author of Adulting: How to Become a Grown-Up in 468 Easy(ish) Steps Kelly Williams Brown comes a funny, charming guide to modern civility in these—yes, we'll say it—rather uncivil times.
Graciousness is practicing the arts of kindness, thoughtfulness, good manners, humanity, and basic decency. As a bonus, it makes your life and even the world (or at least the room you’re in) much lovelier.
It’s not about memorizing every rule of traditional etiquette to a T (though there is so much there to explore!) or spending all your time maintaining a spotless house. It’s about approaching the world with compassion, conviction, self-confidence, and whole-heartedness, whether you're at the Met Gala or saying good morning to a convenience store clerk.
From chatting easily with anyone to mastering the subtleties of social media etiquette (hint: block early, block often), Brown has talked to gracious women and men all over the country to give you easy ways to embody your own graciousness.
Throughout the book, she provides tips on how to deal with the people and circumstances that challenge even the most socially graceful among us, advice on how to practice graciousness in everyday life, and thoughtful discussions on being kind to those around you without ever losing your sense of self.
With the wisdom of gracious folk ranging from celebrities to the author’s mother-in-law, this book explains the perspective, actions—and, sometimes, inaction—that help us move smoothly and effectively through whatever life tosses at us.
Graciousness is practicing the arts of kindness, thoughtfulness, good manners, humanity, and basic decency. As a bonus, it makes your life and even the world (or at least the room you’re in) much lovelier.
It’s not about memorizing every rule of traditional etiquette to a T (though there is so much there to explore!) or spending all your time maintaining a spotless house. It’s about approaching the world with compassion, conviction, self-confidence, and whole-heartedness, whether you're at the Met Gala or saying good morning to a convenience store clerk.
From chatting easily with anyone to mastering the subtleties of social media etiquette (hint: block early, block often), Brown has talked to gracious women and men all over the country to give you easy ways to embody your own graciousness.
Throughout the book, she provides tips on how to deal with the people and circumstances that challenge even the most socially graceful among us, advice on how to practice graciousness in everyday life, and thoughtful discussions on being kind to those around you without ever losing your sense of self.
With the wisdom of gracious folk ranging from celebrities to the author’s mother-in-law, this book explains the perspective, actions—and, sometimes, inaction—that help us move smoothly and effectively through whatever life tosses at us.
256 pages, Hardcover
First published April 4, 2017
149 people are currently reading
2113 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 111 reviews
January 8, 2019
While I have definite Opinions about manners (they were invented to keep the comfortable comfortable) and only use the most basic ones to help ease my passage through the world ("Please" "Thank you" and opening the door for the person(s) behind me), I am nevertheless endlessly fascinated with the little courtesies and social norms other people dictate to make society civilized. I used to read Emily Post and Miss Manners (and took nothing from it, obviously) like other people read The National Enquirer.
So that's why I checked this out. I mean, maybe this woman has something new to tell me about social etiquette!
(Spoiler alert: She doesn't)
The author narrates her book, which is lovely. I enjoyed her reading skills, especially the little asides she did in cute voices. I suspect she's delightful at storytelling. She is not, however, delightful at structural organization and this book winds up being a mess on account. It's all over the place, bouncing back and forth from one topic to an unrelated other. There were several times I thought I had the discs out of order and was listening to number 4 when I should have been playing number 3 because the information shifted so suddenly and without segue. But, no, that's just how this story goes. One minute, she's discussing proper houseguesting and the next, we're at a wedding.
Also distracting: Brown interviews several gracious women on what they do that makes them so fabulous and wonderful and she often quotes them. However, because she doesn't change her modulation or enunciation for the majority of the quotes, it's hard to tell when she's telling us what they said and when she's reading her own words. Brown may have two daughters and she may have run a business or she may have been reading a quote from others who did those things, there's no way to tell with the audiobook.
Also also distracting: Why has "y'all" moved up from the south? There is no reason for a person not sporting a southern accent to say "y'all." It just sounds ridiculous sprinkled in with the rest of the Yankee words. Yes, Brown is originally from the south but she has un-accented herself and now sounds like a news woman, maybe the weather prognosticator, with her no-accent vocal stylings so when she drops a northern-inflected "y'all," it sounds terrible. And, no, I will not accept "y'all" as the defacto gender-neutral form of address. Because it's not.
I feel this is aimed at a specific subset of society, namely upwardly-mobile young white women who may not have had the benefit of, to quote one of my favorite terms from the Black Women of Twitter, "broughtupsy." I don't think this would be out of place shelved with the "How to Get a Husband" books of yore.
For everyone else, though, this has the potential to be grating for a variety of reasons. If you want something equally light-hearted and fun but with more meat and better structure, I recommend I'm Judging You: The Do-Better Manual by Luvvie Ajayi.
So that's why I checked this out. I mean, maybe this woman has something new to tell me about social etiquette!
(Spoiler alert: She doesn't)
The author narrates her book, which is lovely. I enjoyed her reading skills, especially the little asides she did in cute voices. I suspect she's delightful at storytelling. She is not, however, delightful at structural organization and this book winds up being a mess on account. It's all over the place, bouncing back and forth from one topic to an unrelated other. There were several times I thought I had the discs out of order and was listening to number 4 when I should have been playing number 3 because the information shifted so suddenly and without segue. But, no, that's just how this story goes. One minute, she's discussing proper houseguesting and the next, we're at a wedding.
Also distracting: Brown interviews several gracious women on what they do that makes them so fabulous and wonderful and she often quotes them. However, because she doesn't change her modulation or enunciation for the majority of the quotes, it's hard to tell when she's telling us what they said and when she's reading her own words. Brown may have two daughters and she may have run a business or she may have been reading a quote from others who did those things, there's no way to tell with the audiobook.
Also also distracting: Why has "y'all" moved up from the south? There is no reason for a person not sporting a southern accent to say "y'all." It just sounds ridiculous sprinkled in with the rest of the Yankee words. Yes, Brown is originally from the south but she has un-accented herself and now sounds like a news woman, maybe the weather prognosticator, with her no-accent vocal stylings so when she drops a northern-inflected "y'all," it sounds terrible. And, no, I will not accept "y'all" as the defacto gender-neutral form of address. Because it's not.
I feel this is aimed at a specific subset of society, namely upwardly-mobile young white women who may not have had the benefit of, to quote one of my favorite terms from the Black Women of Twitter, "broughtupsy." I don't think this would be out of place shelved with the "How to Get a Husband" books of yore.
For everyone else, though, this has the potential to be grating for a variety of reasons. If you want something equally light-hearted and fun but with more meat and better structure, I recommend I'm Judging You: The Do-Better Manual by Luvvie Ajayi.
April 29, 2017
Maybe I'm revealing that I haven't learned how to be gracious. But at least I'm not engaging in some fancy BSing. I don't think this was a terrible book. It just was too disjointed for me, and sometimes it was hard to tell where one set of principles/checklists stopped and another began. There were also lots of footnotes and separate sections and quotes that kept distracting me from reading (because I must read all words on the page, even if it requires me to stop in the middle of a sentence because I worry I will forget to read that one extra little thing). I came away with the idea that graciousness sometimes can be either not sticking up for yourself, taking an easy way out, BSing, or some combination of the three. Maybe that's the way things should be, but I feel like I'm always trying to escape reverting to that kind of behavior.
But I will say there were some gems in there. Like thinking in terms of "us" and moving towards something more beneficial for both parties involved. Or ignoring things people are saying or doing that just aren't helping you. Maybe these seem like obvious pieces of advice, but they fit in the book well and provided me with something to think a little more deeply on.
But I will say there were some gems in there. Like thinking in terms of "us" and moving towards something more beneficial for both parties involved. Or ignoring things people are saying or doing that just aren't helping you. Maybe these seem like obvious pieces of advice, but they fit in the book well and provided me with something to think a little more deeply on.
February 3, 2018
Hopefully it isn't ironic that I am about to write all the things I didn't like about a book on graciousness - to the point that I DNF'd it.
First - publishers and editors: if your author submits to you a narrative non-fiction, that is meant to be read cover to cover, PLEASE DO NOT BREAK IT INTK A MANUAL. This book was unreadable from this perspective alone. You have one word of a sentence on one page, and then five pages later pick the sentence back up, a third of the way down the page because you had to plunk a random quote in there too. Do I skip past the five pages, finish the chapter then go back and read those five pages? Do I read the five pages first, assuming if you felt it so important to put them in that particular place they should be read at that particular time? I know the book styles itself a "manual", but you know better dear editors and publishers - arrange the book sections appropriately.
Second, and related - footnotes. In some cases they are cute. As a person who frequently speaks in asides and non-sequiturs, I often appreciate them. But again, these were not arranged in a way that was conducive to the reading or narrative. Plus the pineapples were more annoying than cute - what was wrong with asterisks (I understand the symbolism of the pineapple - it's still stupid).
Lastly - even in narrative non-fiction, you can. Not. Write. How. You. Speak. This is probably especially true for anyone who styles themselves as Southern. It isn't readable, and what comes across as charming in person is an annoyance in print.
Ironically, this book felt anything but genuine, and had so many annoyances piled on top of one another it wasn't even remotely readable. I can only imagine the audio of this reads like a squirrel on speed.
First - publishers and editors: if your author submits to you a narrative non-fiction, that is meant to be read cover to cover, PLEASE DO NOT BREAK IT INTK A MANUAL. This book was unreadable from this perspective alone. You have one word of a sentence on one page, and then five pages later pick the sentence back up, a third of the way down the page because you had to plunk a random quote in there too. Do I skip past the five pages, finish the chapter then go back and read those five pages? Do I read the five pages first, assuming if you felt it so important to put them in that particular place they should be read at that particular time? I know the book styles itself a "manual", but you know better dear editors and publishers - arrange the book sections appropriately.
Second, and related - footnotes. In some cases they are cute. As a person who frequently speaks in asides and non-sequiturs, I often appreciate them. But again, these were not arranged in a way that was conducive to the reading or narrative. Plus the pineapples were more annoying than cute - what was wrong with asterisks (I understand the symbolism of the pineapple - it's still stupid).
Lastly - even in narrative non-fiction, you can. Not. Write. How. You. Speak. This is probably especially true for anyone who styles themselves as Southern. It isn't readable, and what comes across as charming in person is an annoyance in print.
Ironically, this book felt anything but genuine, and had so many annoyances piled on top of one another it wasn't even remotely readable. I can only imagine the audio of this reads like a squirrel on speed.
March 29, 2017
Wonderful! The author had a really fun, unofficial way of finding gracious people to interview plus she comes off as not snooty but down to earth and relatable...self-deprecating even. The book is fun to read and filled with little tidbits of delightful information.
July 26, 2022
It’s not an etiquette book so much as it is a guide on how to be a kinder human, full of interviews with interesting people. I really enjoyed it and highlighted so many lines.
June 13, 2017
Voice is very eradicate and hard to follow.
With such great premise and promise, I was hoping for more. Some great topics could have been organized better for all readers. However, the fonts used were sweet. Wonderful quotes throughout the book fell flat with some of the content. Considering the books' concept, the author's use of swear words, including saying the Lord's name in vain, I found inappropriate, not polite in any manner with little tact for the wide range of readers. The book does mention some earlier historical works that I might pick to browse through instead.
I absolutely LOVED the premise of this book and was really hoping this would be a good fit. Unfortunately it wasn't :(
With such great premise and promise, I was hoping for more. Some great topics could have been organized better for all readers. However, the fonts used were sweet. Wonderful quotes throughout the book fell flat with some of the content. Considering the books' concept, the author's use of swear words, including saying the Lord's name in vain, I found inappropriate, not polite in any manner with little tact for the wide range of readers. The book does mention some earlier historical works that I might pick to browse through instead.
I absolutely LOVED the premise of this book and was really hoping this would be a good fit. Unfortunately it wasn't :(
April 28, 2017
I am always in awe of Kelly Williams Brown's ability to deal with weighty, important issues with an incredible sense of humor. Her second book may even exceed my high expectations. I can't wait to see what she puts her own to next.
April 16, 2017
I thought she had some good points. The occasional light profanity however, was not necessary to prove a point.
May 21, 2019
Delightful. I love this definition of graciousness:
“Graciousness, which is only in part about manners and etiquette, has a moral core; place settings are. but a tiny flourish on an enormous, architecturally sound whole. It’s assigning and extending humanity to everyone you meet—creating beauty where you can, showing love even, and especially, when you don’t feel like it. It’s delighting in and celebrating the things that bring us, and others, joy. It is realizing that the small things, which may seem so trifling, can anchor us to our best selves. They can weave together to hold the ugliness at bay. It is knowing that all we want, at the end of the day, is to be recognized, to be welcomed kindly, to be made to feel comfortable in a life, which is, by definition, uncomfortable.”
These are some great quotes too:
"You do not need to be neutral when a friend has done something deliberately or unavoidably cruel to the other. In this situation, you can truthfully say, 'Susan, I love you and I don’t want to be in the middle, but I think you owe Maria an apology.' If they try to argue their case, just reinforce your pro-apology stance, then say that you’re not the right person to talk to about this.
If it is a legitimately terrible thing they did, you can be angry on your friend’s behalf. You can even perhaps question whether you want a friend in your life who does such things. You get to decide."
—
"‘The heart of graciousness, for me, is that it’s someone who appears to be at ease,’ said Daniel Post Senning, great-great-grandson of etiquette queen Emily Post. ‘It’s that quality and having the ability to put others at ease, and I think your ability to make other people feel comfortable is dependent on your ability to feel at ease with yourself.’"
—
"Lovely reader, you are the host of your own life, and everyone in it is going to have a lot more fun if you can relax a little bit and enjoy yourself.
In order to to make others feel comfortable and loved, you must feel comfortable and loved. It matters less whether you keep a perfect house or serve the perfect hors d’oeuvres than it does that you set a tone of welcoming acceptance in (and of) your own life. This is what separates graciousness from compulsive people-pleasing, which, in the end, almost never works and is a swift path to madness.
So if you, like so many of us, equate treating yourself kindly to selfishness, then for now, just remember. That treating yourself well is good for everyone.
Graciousness toward others starts with what we say, and how we say it, and then listening carefully. Graciousness to yourself is no different."
—
My one caveat is that I agree with everything said in this review: https://www.goodreads.com/review/show... 😬
But I just love KWB and the spirit of this book so much that all of those things are only worth docking 1 star. And that’s me being….[makes pointed eye contact with you]…*gracious,* y’all.
“Graciousness, which is only in part about manners and etiquette, has a moral core; place settings are. but a tiny flourish on an enormous, architecturally sound whole. It’s assigning and extending humanity to everyone you meet—creating beauty where you can, showing love even, and especially, when you don’t feel like it. It’s delighting in and celebrating the things that bring us, and others, joy. It is realizing that the small things, which may seem so trifling, can anchor us to our best selves. They can weave together to hold the ugliness at bay. It is knowing that all we want, at the end of the day, is to be recognized, to be welcomed kindly, to be made to feel comfortable in a life, which is, by definition, uncomfortable.”
These are some great quotes too:
"You do not need to be neutral when a friend has done something deliberately or unavoidably cruel to the other. In this situation, you can truthfully say, 'Susan, I love you and I don’t want to be in the middle, but I think you owe Maria an apology.' If they try to argue their case, just reinforce your pro-apology stance, then say that you’re not the right person to talk to about this.
If it is a legitimately terrible thing they did, you can be angry on your friend’s behalf. You can even perhaps question whether you want a friend in your life who does such things. You get to decide."
—
"‘The heart of graciousness, for me, is that it’s someone who appears to be at ease,’ said Daniel Post Senning, great-great-grandson of etiquette queen Emily Post. ‘It’s that quality and having the ability to put others at ease, and I think your ability to make other people feel comfortable is dependent on your ability to feel at ease with yourself.’"
—
"Lovely reader, you are the host of your own life, and everyone in it is going to have a lot more fun if you can relax a little bit and enjoy yourself.
In order to to make others feel comfortable and loved, you must feel comfortable and loved. It matters less whether you keep a perfect house or serve the perfect hors d’oeuvres than it does that you set a tone of welcoming acceptance in (and of) your own life. This is what separates graciousness from compulsive people-pleasing, which, in the end, almost never works and is a swift path to madness.
So if you, like so many of us, equate treating yourself kindly to selfishness, then for now, just remember. That treating yourself well is good for everyone.
Graciousness toward others starts with what we say, and how we say it, and then listening carefully. Graciousness to yourself is no different."
—
My one caveat is that I agree with everything said in this review: https://www.goodreads.com/review/show... 😬
But I just love KWB and the spirit of this book so much that all of those things are only worth docking 1 star. And that’s me being….[makes pointed eye contact with you]…*gracious,* y’all.
August 7, 2017
Such a wonderful book! I found her ideas so helpful for business (retail can be so terribly trying!) and have handed it out as "homework" for my employees.
February 21, 2018
This book is a delightful ray of sunshine. It includes common ways to be gracious and kind in every day life. I think this one is better on audiobook.
July 23, 2024
Kelly Williams Brown (b. 1984) is apparently credited for coining the pop culture term "adulting", based on a now-defunct blog called AdultingBlog.com she ran in the early 2010s, as well as her debut book, Adulting: How to Become a Grown-up in 468 Easy(ish) Steps, published in 2013. I was unfamiliar with her when I picked up this book, and still wonder why she pitched and got a deal to write a book on etiquette. I recently read Sara Jane Ho's etiquette book Mind Your Manners: How to Be Your Best Self in Any Situation, and while I didn't love that book, it made sense for Ho's brand (she's founded a finishing school and hosted a Netflix series of the same name to talk about etiquette). I'm unclear what Brown's authority on etiquette is, as she hasn't written a popular syndicated advice column, starting an etiquette school, or made a social media platform based on the topic of this book. In any case, this book was very fragmented, disorganized, and probably better listened to while multitasking (as I did) than read (because of the extensive stream of consciousness that would make a reader doze off), as many other reviewers have pointed out.
My statistics:
Book 159 for 2024
Book 1762 cumulatively
My statistics:
Book 159 for 2024
Book 1762 cumulatively
September 9, 2021
Even with a Bad book I usually find something useful but with this book I find a lot of “useful” but not original or helpful content. The best parts of this book are the quotes from other people who wrote their own books. It’s rare I find a book a true waste of time but this book can be sum down to “don’t be an asshole”. Be a decent person, say thank you, and smile and those three things are what this book says and all it says for its entirety. Find something worth your time.
December 26, 2018
I would probably not have started this without a book club, but had I started it, I definitely wouldn't have finished it on my own.
She makes some good points about how graciousness is essentially treating everyone, including yourself, with love and respect. She had a few examples of ways to do that that I hadn't considered before, but it seemed like much of the book was her opinions on polite things to do, and that included things that I feel are more about polite posturing than actual graciousness. For example, she suggested that if you need to leave a party before it is over, you should mention to another guest within the host's hearing that you're usually in bed by such-and-such a time so the host will be prepared for you to leave when that time comes. I feel like that is playing games, and that if you are genuinely offering grace to your host, you can let them know that you appreciate the invitation and the time you've had and that you need to leave (or you will need to, if you realize this in advance) without dropping hints you hope they catch.
Though I didn't love her writing voice, she did include a number of humorous footnotes. The best parts of the book were the "Theories of Grace," which were from interviews she had with people whom others had identified as gracious people.
Content: scattered profanity. Tips on etiquette for "lovers" and physical relationships with houseguests.
She makes some good points about how graciousness is essentially treating everyone, including yourself, with love and respect. She had a few examples of ways to do that that I hadn't considered before, but it seemed like much of the book was her opinions on polite things to do, and that included things that I feel are more about polite posturing than actual graciousness. For example, she suggested that if you need to leave a party before it is over, you should mention to another guest within the host's hearing that you're usually in bed by such-and-such a time so the host will be prepared for you to leave when that time comes. I feel like that is playing games, and that if you are genuinely offering grace to your host, you can let them know that you appreciate the invitation and the time you've had and that you need to leave (or you will need to, if you realize this in advance) without dropping hints you hope they catch.
Though I didn't love her writing voice, she did include a number of humorous footnotes. The best parts of the book were the "Theories of Grace," which were from interviews she had with people whom others had identified as gracious people.
Content: scattered profanity. Tips on etiquette for "lovers" and physical relationships with houseguests.
September 18, 2020
This book was okay, but not really what I was hoping for. I thought this was a Christian book about how to be a godly, gracious woman. Instead, there was so much vulgar language and risque stories that I could not imagine how this was describing anything "gracious" or "charming." It did have its funny moments, so I'm giving it three stars.
April 11, 2023
What a great title! We so need this quality in people, and the author is good in emphasizing our common humanity.
But the book fails in that it repeatedly bashes 50% of humanity with its “smash the patriarchy” quips, as well as thinly disguised distaste toward men in general. It embraces wokeness, feminism, and the LGBTQ+ perspective as normative, and gives advice on how to have “gracious” one night stands. In fact, the author’s target audience is not even women in general (precious little advice re. graciousness inside the family), but unmarried (that is single or divorced) women.
So…. yeah. Back to the drawing board.
Ending on a positive note: she is a hoot to read. Fun sentences. That’s how she earned the second star.
But the book fails in that it repeatedly bashes 50% of humanity with its “smash the patriarchy” quips, as well as thinly disguised distaste toward men in general. It embraces wokeness, feminism, and the LGBTQ+ perspective as normative, and gives advice on how to have “gracious” one night stands. In fact, the author’s target audience is not even women in general (precious little advice re. graciousness inside the family), but unmarried (that is single or divorced) women.
So…. yeah. Back to the drawing board.
Ending on a positive note: she is a hoot to read. Fun sentences. That’s how she earned the second star.
May 22, 2022
I enjoyed this book a lot — even more than I had expected. The author seems quirky, funny, and kind — great tone, great tips for living life generously. Thank you, Kelly! 💕
June 5, 2017
AH just finished! I couldn't recommend this book more to every single I person I know. Here are a few of my favorite quotes to give y'all an idea of this book's goodness:
"If you find that there's one behavior in others that drives you up the wall, well... just remember that we tend to get most angry when we see our own defects reflected back to us." (12)
"Capacity is what you're trying to increase in your life. Your capacity, your abilities to be compassionate and to love. So if you disengage from every uncomfortable person or situation in your life, you have lost that chance." (22)
"When we look at people, we have the option -we have the choice- to look at them through the worst things they've done or how they've hurt us, or we can look at them as their mother or God might look at them- as a beautiful child doing their best they can given their backstory- and to live in forgiveness and not in judgment." (57)
"You don't get to choose what, when, or how the trouble looks, but you do get to choose who you are through these moments, tiny or enormous." (66)
"You should still look at every request through the lens on the other person's needs and desires and figure out a way to make a pitch that gets both of you what you want." (79)
"For the past five years, she has been working on treating herself like her soulmate. She tries to make decisions for herself out of love, never fear or pride; that even when she doesn't feel like it, she works hard to bestow upon herself the affection, goodwill, and support that she would her own beloved." (102)
"When you meet someone who knows exactly who they are and what they're about, it is so lovely. They are so anchored not to things or situations or people but to their own serenity." (113)
"...Because of this, it is a good and proper thing to create that beauty where you can. Bring lovely order out of chaos. Celebrate whatever it is that when you gaze upon it, makes you smile." (123)
"Nice is what makes you feel powerful and strong and like the things on your body are not accidents but purposeful choices." (191)
"We get to move forward in time and space scattering patience and kindness and compassion behind us like flower seed, while knowing that we may never see that flower open its face to the sun." (226)
And those are just a few of the gems in this book! Brown is laugh out loud FUNNY and very aware of larger issues of capitalism and patriarchy that have vested interests in an archaic version of grace. She offers practical advice for being gracious in the subway and at the airport, to difficult colleagues and to problematic remarks, in the home, for hosting, for personal style, and for showing grace to ourselves too. I've marked up my copy so much already, and I will continue to return to it when I need reminders and insight! I recommend this to ANY friend who wants to grow and will probably be giving this as a gift for a while to come~
---
In the introduction, Brown defines being gracious as "assigning and extending humanity to everyone you meet, creating beauty where you can, and showing love even -especially- when you don't feel like it". As the book continues, she gives out so much practical advice for staying graceful in times of conflict and for showing grace to the people around you (including yourself), and she shares the stories and wisdom of so many gracious women along the way.
She manages to quantify and categorize an ephemeral quality that I admire SO much in others and that I've been striving to apply in my life. The lists and definitions and personal anecdotes have helped me create concrete goals of what it means to be gracious while simultaneously providing me with steps to get there. She reminds us that's all about practice, that all we really can control is how we react to what's going on around us, that difficult people and circumstances offer important opportunities to practice grace, and that when we are comfortable with ourselves we help others find ease and grace of their own too.
I never could get into those old little pocketbook guidelines to grace and courtesy because they were always written for rich white people centuries ago, but her book is the version I've always wanted to read. She shows a sensitivity to gender, race, and class that is often absent in etiquette discourse, and she offers some great tips for staying graceful in all sorts of circumstances.
I'm only about halfway in so far, and I'm excited for the rest!
"If you find that there's one behavior in others that drives you up the wall, well... just remember that we tend to get most angry when we see our own defects reflected back to us." (12)
"Capacity is what you're trying to increase in your life. Your capacity, your abilities to be compassionate and to love. So if you disengage from every uncomfortable person or situation in your life, you have lost that chance." (22)
"When we look at people, we have the option -we have the choice- to look at them through the worst things they've done or how they've hurt us, or we can look at them as their mother or God might look at them- as a beautiful child doing their best they can given their backstory- and to live in forgiveness and not in judgment." (57)
"You don't get to choose what, when, or how the trouble looks, but you do get to choose who you are through these moments, tiny or enormous." (66)
"You should still look at every request through the lens on the other person's needs and desires and figure out a way to make a pitch that gets both of you what you want." (79)
"For the past five years, she has been working on treating herself like her soulmate. She tries to make decisions for herself out of love, never fear or pride; that even when she doesn't feel like it, she works hard to bestow upon herself the affection, goodwill, and support that she would her own beloved." (102)
"When you meet someone who knows exactly who they are and what they're about, it is so lovely. They are so anchored not to things or situations or people but to their own serenity." (113)
"...Because of this, it is a good and proper thing to create that beauty where you can. Bring lovely order out of chaos. Celebrate whatever it is that when you gaze upon it, makes you smile." (123)
"Nice is what makes you feel powerful and strong and like the things on your body are not accidents but purposeful choices." (191)
"We get to move forward in time and space scattering patience and kindness and compassion behind us like flower seed, while knowing that we may never see that flower open its face to the sun." (226)
And those are just a few of the gems in this book! Brown is laugh out loud FUNNY and very aware of larger issues of capitalism and patriarchy that have vested interests in an archaic version of grace. She offers practical advice for being gracious in the subway and at the airport, to difficult colleagues and to problematic remarks, in the home, for hosting, for personal style, and for showing grace to ourselves too. I've marked up my copy so much already, and I will continue to return to it when I need reminders and insight! I recommend this to ANY friend who wants to grow and will probably be giving this as a gift for a while to come~
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In the introduction, Brown defines being gracious as "assigning and extending humanity to everyone you meet, creating beauty where you can, and showing love even -especially- when you don't feel like it". As the book continues, she gives out so much practical advice for staying graceful in times of conflict and for showing grace to the people around you (including yourself), and she shares the stories and wisdom of so many gracious women along the way.
She manages to quantify and categorize an ephemeral quality that I admire SO much in others and that I've been striving to apply in my life. The lists and definitions and personal anecdotes have helped me create concrete goals of what it means to be gracious while simultaneously providing me with steps to get there. She reminds us that's all about practice, that all we really can control is how we react to what's going on around us, that difficult people and circumstances offer important opportunities to practice grace, and that when we are comfortable with ourselves we help others find ease and grace of their own too.
I never could get into those old little pocketbook guidelines to grace and courtesy because they were always written for rich white people centuries ago, but her book is the version I've always wanted to read. She shows a sensitivity to gender, race, and class that is often absent in etiquette discourse, and she offers some great tips for staying graceful in all sorts of circumstances.
I'm only about halfway in so far, and I'm excited for the rest!
January 5, 2021
Charming but turned grating. I found myself thinking the word "blather" and a moment later reading her make a self-deprecating joke about blathering on (so clearly I must've subconsciously spotted that word on the page, but it felt very serendipitous at the moment). It's a little name-droppy but also most of the names aren't names you'd know or would ever meet, they're just wonderful friends of the author. The flow was a little choppy, between having a summarizing intro for the chapter, and then a mini-interview chunk on a grey background, and some 19th century etiquette book quotes (well-chosen, possibly the most interesting part) sprinkled in...kind of disrupted the momentum. Maybe I should've read in smaller doses?
Also, author is very clearly not an introvert, a word that comes up exactly once by my reckoning (I mean, didn't search the text to confirm) in an aside about how you should treat your life like a boutique and greet people, but also one time she listened to a podcast where the introvert hosts were bemoaning the awful moment when store greeters try greeting them, so read the room. I kept expecting a little acknowledgement here and there that hey, maybe gracious small talk and such is potentially challenging and what then? Well, at least the introverts and socially anxious have the "pause and think before responding" parts down. (Also, as a socially anxious introvert, my god, I wish everyone were on board the old timey etiquette train -- it'd make things simpler. Her guidelines about positioning your flatware to indicate whether you were done with a meal or not were slightly different from what I learned, but ultimately I just think: most people wouldn't even notice there was a signal there to interpret at all...)
Boutique is a nice word, because I guess ultimately that's how this book felt. It's a charming little niche boutique in which the author gives shout-outs to her amazing saintly friends and connections, indulges her own sense of humor [which actually I did mostly like, for the record], and mushes up advice from gracious people and some manners books... without doing any visible analysis on the advice. Most of it's good, and probably stuff you've heard before about active listening and such; much is basic etiquette and manners, which is always worth brushing up on. As a total package it just didn't really gel for me, however.
Also, author is very clearly not an introvert, a word that comes up exactly once by my reckoning (I mean, didn't search the text to confirm) in an aside about how you should treat your life like a boutique and greet people, but also one time she listened to a podcast where the introvert hosts were bemoaning the awful moment when store greeters try greeting them, so read the room. I kept expecting a little acknowledgement here and there that hey, maybe gracious small talk and such is potentially challenging and what then? Well, at least the introverts and socially anxious have the "pause and think before responding" parts down. (Also, as a socially anxious introvert, my god, I wish everyone were on board the old timey etiquette train -- it'd make things simpler. Her guidelines about positioning your flatware to indicate whether you were done with a meal or not were slightly different from what I learned, but ultimately I just think: most people wouldn't even notice there was a signal there to interpret at all...)
Boutique is a nice word, because I guess ultimately that's how this book felt. It's a charming little niche boutique in which the author gives shout-outs to her amazing saintly friends and connections, indulges her own sense of humor [which actually I did mostly like, for the record], and mushes up advice from gracious people and some manners books... without doing any visible analysis on the advice. Most of it's good, and probably stuff you've heard before about active listening and such; much is basic etiquette and manners, which is always worth brushing up on. As a total package it just didn't really gel for me, however.
March 19, 2018
I received a copy of this book in exchange for an honest review. Well, I have mixed feelings regarding this one. On the one hand, I thought it was written in a quirky, amusing style and I enjoyed that. I love the fact that the author interviewed so many people to find out what constitutes graciousness in their eyes. Being from the south, being gracious is something we are taught from an early age, so most of the advice and pointers contained within this book were a given to me. On the other hand, this book was formatted so disjointedly that it’s a bit hard to follow. The flow of the writing was constantly interrupted with boxes of text, quotes, sidebars, etc. A paragraph would start on one page and you’d have to flip a few pages over (skipping the above mentioned boxes of text) to continue the paragraph. That was just too distracting for me. Another thing that really caught me off guard was the constant use of profanity, including taking God’s name in vain. Maybe it’s because I’ve lived my whole life in the Bible Belt, but I don’t find anything gracious about the overuse of swear words. I find it strange considering the theme and premise of the book. As I said, maybe that’s a regional thing. Overall, I enjoyed the tone of the book, and appreciated the tips on being a good host and a gracious guest, as well as the bits of wisdom the author gleaned from her interviews.
May 5, 2018
I picked up this book after it was mentioned and quoted on the podcast Awesome Etiquette, produced by the Emily Post Institute. If you don't mind the Pollyanna-ish, do-gooder tone of the podcast (which I tend to enjoy), I would recommend. Both the podcast and book interrogate the complexities of social interactions and how to approach situations with consideration of dignity and respect. That being said, the author got really editorial with many asides that were more blog or website style of writing that I didn't feel added much to the book. There were so many footnotes (randomly noted with pineapples symbols rather than numbers or asterisks?) that I ended up ignoring and skipping over a lot, as that's where a lot of the random humor or asides were that you may not care for, unless you were the author's friend. The reason I'm giving the book a pretty high rating is almost entirely for the chapter on being gracious to yourself. I don't know if it was the moment I read it or just my self critical tendencies, but I loved that chapter on needing to be kind to yourself above all else. Then, you can bring grace to how you live your life.
May 18, 2017
"The heart of graciousness is compassion. It's attention to those around you, whether they are your favorite person in the world or that person trying to get by you on the sidewalk."
Do you admire the people in your life who are calm, serene, kind, competent, gracious? How did they get to be that way? What are their secrets? In Gracious, Kelly Williams Brown interviews many of the most gracious people in her life to learn about their personal philosophies, outlooks on life, and strategies for being gracious in all situations (even when they don't feel like it). Whether you want to be a better friend, better partner, or just the kind of person who can offer more than tap water when someone drops by unexpectedly, there is something in this book for you. Wise and funny.
Do you admire the people in your life who are calm, serene, kind, competent, gracious? How did they get to be that way? What are their secrets? In Gracious, Kelly Williams Brown interviews many of the most gracious people in her life to learn about their personal philosophies, outlooks on life, and strategies for being gracious in all situations (even when they don't feel like it). Whether you want to be a better friend, better partner, or just the kind of person who can offer more than tap water when someone drops by unexpectedly, there is something in this book for you. Wise and funny.
May 24, 2017
I think (hope) Kelly Williams Brown was me in a past life. That's not really possible, but reading this book sounds like words from a cooler, wiser me. That might be why I love the book so much. The genuine, helpful tips and honesty combined with lines about pugs and threesomes with Coach Taylor and Tammy Taylor from Friday Night Lights (yes, please) had me laughing and feeling super inspired the whole time. I finished this book in 24 hours and I regret none of it. Her first book, "Adulting," blew me away and so did this one. Kelly, Please write more so I can lose my marbles over it and obtain sage advice from a bad ass. Also, not that you'll probably read this, but please consider being my mentor, life coach and friend.
January 8, 2021
I really enjoyed this tongue-in-cheek look at being gracious which nicely combined ‘best’ etiquette practices with light-hearted humor. Some of these practices are still around today, many of them have gone out the window with the invent modern conveniences.
Personally, I’m not a fan of cloth napkins (though I appreciate their reusability) but everything else suggested I’m on board with.
Man, I wish I had a guest room where I could supply my guests with the long list of ‘all the essentials they may need;’ as suggested in this book. The most my guests get is free food, a blow-up mattress, clean linen, and towels.
Personally, I’m not a fan of cloth napkins (though I appreciate their reusability) but everything else suggested I’m on board with.
Man, I wish I had a guest room where I could supply my guests with the long list of ‘all the essentials they may need;’ as suggested in this book. The most my guests get is free food, a blow-up mattress, clean linen, and towels.
May 12, 2017
I'm more of a brash PNW person, so graciousness is a lofty goal. This was a great read about being a best version of yourself. Very funny too.
There were a lot of wonderful footnotes, but also all these little boxes with quotes or separate interviews. Sometimes it amounted to three or four types of text on one page. I think it would have been better to put some of the extras at the end and beginning of the chapters.
I find myself hiding the cover because I was uncomfortable being associated with white, red lipstick, sparkly dress femininity. some internalized misogyny there, I think...
There were a lot of wonderful footnotes, but also all these little boxes with quotes or separate interviews. Sometimes it amounted to three or four types of text on one page. I think it would have been better to put some of the extras at the end and beginning of the chapters.
I find myself hiding the cover because I was uncomfortable being associated with white, red lipstick, sparkly dress femininity. some internalized misogyny there, I think...
August 7, 2017
I love this book. I love the subject matter, and I love the incredibly compassionate out flowing of thoughtfulness that went into producing it. I particularly love that it's a book about being kind to yourself (and how to do that) in order to be kind to others. That speaks to me, and that 2 page spread on pages 100-101 on how to talk your not-so-helpful brain out of whatever track it's running on is pretty much one of the most useful things I've ever read. Thank you. This has more reading left in it, and I look forward to revisiting it.
July 6, 2018
The bad: The way she gushes about people gets cloying, and like another reviewer mentioned, she writes the way she talks. She actually ended a sentence with "-yeah" at one point. She also makes assumptions that everyone reading this thinks the way she does about society, politics, etc.
The good: Plenty of useful, helpful information. Plenty of it. I also found the section about keeping one's home inspirational as I've been dragging my feet on decorating my apartment.
For me, the good outweighed the bad.
The good: Plenty of useful, helpful information. Plenty of it. I also found the section about keeping one's home inspirational as I've been dragging my feet on decorating my apartment.
For me, the good outweighed the bad.
April 12, 2019
Whereas a review by Melody notes "polite posturing" and a review by Erica describes "keep[ing] the comfortable comfortable";
I see this book aiming to empower. My take-aways include: thinking about "us"; treating everyone like your best self ("golden rule" / do unto others / insuring comfort, dignity, respect, etc.); make it all a deliberate choice: kindness, calmness, and being full of gratitude.
I see this book aiming to empower. My take-aways include: thinking about "us"; treating everyone like your best self ("golden rule" / do unto others / insuring comfort, dignity, respect, etc.); make it all a deliberate choice: kindness, calmness, and being full of gratitude.
July 30, 2017
The format of the physical book was a little awkward--since the book is so small the side panel discussions and theories of grace break up the main text of the book. It seems like a weird design choice.
I enjoyed the content of the book. Nothing earth shattering but lots of solid advice for striving for graciousness. Kelly Williams Brown has a great voice--she is really funny and reassuring. I hope she writes a memoir eventually.
I enjoyed the content of the book. Nothing earth shattering but lots of solid advice for striving for graciousness. Kelly Williams Brown has a great voice--she is really funny and reassuring. I hope she writes a memoir eventually.
January 31, 2021
Wow. Just wow. This one went on my to-buy list after the first chapter.
The author does a brilliant job of explaining how to be a better person without talking down to the reader. Her tone is conversational and conspiratorial and just fun. I laughed more with this book than I do with most. Her suggestions are, useful, easily understood, and fairly simple to put into practice.
I plan on reading this book several more times, and highly recommend it!
The author does a brilliant job of explaining how to be a better person without talking down to the reader. Her tone is conversational and conspiratorial and just fun. I laughed more with this book than I do with most. Her suggestions are, useful, easily understood, and fairly simple to put into practice.
I plan on reading this book several more times, and highly recommend it!
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