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How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7
A must-have resource for anyone who lives or works with young kids, with an introduction by Adele Faber, coauthor of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk , the international mega-bestseller The Boston Globe dubbed “The Parenting Bible.”
For over thirty-five years, parents have turned to How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk for its respectful and effective solutions to the unending challenges of raising children. Now, in response to growing demand, Adele’s daughter, Joanna Faber, along with Julie King, tailor How to Talk’s powerful communication skills to children ages two to seven.
Faber and King, each a parenting expert in her own right, share their wisdom accumulated over years of conducting How To Talk workshops with parents and a broad variety of professionals. With a lively combination of storytelling, cartoons, and fly-on-the-wall discussions from their workshops, they provide concrete tools and tips that will transform your relationship with the young kids in your life.
What do you do with a little kid who…won’t brush her teeth…screams in his car seat…pinches the baby...refuses to eat vegetables…throws books in the library...runs rampant in the supermarket? Organized according to common challenges and conflicts, this book is an essential emergency first-aid manual of communication strategies, including a chapter that addresses the special needs of children with sensory processing and autism spectrum disorders.
This user-friendly guide will empower parents and caregivers of young children to forge rewarding, joyful relationships with terrible two-year-olds, truculent three-year-olds, ferocious four-year-olds, foolhardy five-year-olds, self-centered six-year-olds, and the occasional semi-civilized seven-year-old. And, it will help little kids grow into self-reliant big kids who are cooperative and connected to their parents, teachers, siblings, and peers.
For over thirty-five years, parents have turned to How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk for its respectful and effective solutions to the unending challenges of raising children. Now, in response to growing demand, Adele’s daughter, Joanna Faber, along with Julie King, tailor How to Talk’s powerful communication skills to children ages two to seven.
Faber and King, each a parenting expert in her own right, share their wisdom accumulated over years of conducting How To Talk workshops with parents and a broad variety of professionals. With a lively combination of storytelling, cartoons, and fly-on-the-wall discussions from their workshops, they provide concrete tools and tips that will transform your relationship with the young kids in your life.
What do you do with a little kid who…won’t brush her teeth…screams in his car seat…pinches the baby...refuses to eat vegetables…throws books in the library...runs rampant in the supermarket? Organized according to common challenges and conflicts, this book is an essential emergency first-aid manual of communication strategies, including a chapter that addresses the special needs of children with sensory processing and autism spectrum disorders.
This user-friendly guide will empower parents and caregivers of young children to forge rewarding, joyful relationships with terrible two-year-olds, truculent three-year-olds, ferocious four-year-olds, foolhardy five-year-olds, self-centered six-year-olds, and the occasional semi-civilized seven-year-old. And, it will help little kids grow into self-reliant big kids who are cooperative and connected to their parents, teachers, siblings, and peers.
385 pages, Hardcover
First published January 10, 2017
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33551 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 2,461 reviews
November 30, 2018
The basic idea is to acknowledge and validate your toddler's emotions, instead of correcting them, and what's great about this book is I started using its strategies at work and it's going amazing. So instead of saying "You didn't collect user requirements until the week before the due date so it's on your fuckin' ass when this project doesn't launch on time" - see how that sounds really blamey? That nimrod I work with probably felt defensive, right? Instead, I might say, "Boy, you're frustrated! This project is stressful and it hasn't gone the way you wanted it to!"
There are loads of other tips in this terrific book, which btw represents the strategy the wife and I have decided to go with here, so if our kid grows up to be a total asshole it's these peoples' fault. For instance:
- Offer a choice. Instead of, "Well, you're certainly not getting all this bullshit," maybe like this: "We could probably do either the shopping interface or the credit card integration; which would you like?" This empowers the dingbat who's been fucking off on this project for weeks.
- Express his emotions through fantasy. "I bet you wish these specs would have written themselves!"
- Try not responding with words at all. Just let them talk their emotions out, and respond with little sounds: "Grr!" "Wow!" - I'm almost certain my own boss used this on me last year, it was super weird but it kindof worked.
- Encourage them to draw a picture to describe their feelings, which is what I'm going to try next week with this fucking nincompoop here.
I recommend this book for anyone who regularly engages with either toddlers or the sorts of addlepated khaki fillers one runs into in things like jobs and sidewalks. If I'm being totally honest my kid doesn't seem impressed, but my coworkers have actually mentioned that I seem nicer lately. Fuckin' goldfish.
There are loads of other tips in this terrific book, which btw represents the strategy the wife and I have decided to go with here, so if our kid grows up to be a total asshole it's these peoples' fault. For instance:
- Offer a choice. Instead of, "Well, you're certainly not getting all this bullshit," maybe like this: "We could probably do either the shopping interface or the credit card integration; which would you like?" This empowers the dingbat who's been fucking off on this project for weeks.
- Express his emotions through fantasy. "I bet you wish these specs would have written themselves!"
- Try not responding with words at all. Just let them talk their emotions out, and respond with little sounds: "Grr!" "Wow!" - I'm almost certain my own boss used this on me last year, it was super weird but it kindof worked.
- Encourage them to draw a picture to describe their feelings, which is what I'm going to try next week with this fucking nincompoop here.
I recommend this book for anyone who regularly engages with either toddlers or the sorts of addlepated khaki fillers one runs into in things like jobs and sidewalks. If I'm being totally honest my kid doesn't seem impressed, but my coworkers have actually mentioned that I seem nicer lately. Fuckin' goldfish.
September 25, 2021
Before reading this book:
*3 y/o spills milk on the floor intentionally*
Me (pissed): "What are you DOING? We TOLD you to drink your milk at the table. Now look what happened. You made a mess! Go get a towel and clean it up!"
3 y/o: *nonchalantly walks out of the room*
-- 10 minutes of cajoling, threats and tears ensue... --
After reading this book:
*3 y/o spills milk on the floor intentionally*
Me (concerned voice): "Oh. There's milk on the floor."
3 y/o: *silently walks into kitchen, gets towel, starts cleaning up*
Me (to self): "What black magic is this?!?!!!!1!!!"
I already want to re-read this book, or at least copy some of the pages listing tools for parents. I have an almost-4-year-old, and this book really hit home for a lot of the issues we have been dealing with -- bedtime struggles, tantrums, difficulty getting out the door, etc.
One thing I realized from reading this book is how many commands we issue to our son on a daily basis. As an experiment, I tried not using a single command for a day or two. I slipped up here and there, but overall I found that it really encouraged new, more respectful ways for me to communicate with my son. And what I learned is this: Commands don't work!
As a parent I am above all a pragmatist. When it comes to problems and conflicts, I just want to know what works. Yes, of course I want to be a loving parent, and acknowledge my kid's feelings, and all that, but at the end of the day I just want the kid to go tf to sleep! So here's what does work: Truly empathizing. Giving information. Presenting choices. Being playful. Being playful. BEING PLAYFUL!!!
Yes, it feels like work to muster up the energy for silliness sometimes, but IT WORKS. Just tonight my kid was having an epic bedtime tantrum, in and out of bed, sitting up in bed, crying... and I was just trying to get him to put his. freaking. head. on. the. pillow. Finally instead of negotiating, asking, threatening, etc., I remembered how he loves this show where they break everything down into "Three Special Steps." So I said, "Okay. There are three special steps for going to sleep. Step One. Put your head on the pillow. Step two. Pull up the covers. What's step three? Eat ice cream?" He immediately got under the covers with his head on the pillow, and started giggling. It was like a switch had flipped. We spent a minute or two talking about ridiculous suggestions for what Step Three could be: Eating breakfast, walking on the ceiling, going to the library, etc... and then he calmly settled down for bed. Again, MAGIC! Or no, just being playful.
"How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen" is in the same realm as Laura Markham's "Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids," but has better hands-on examples, spending less time on the "why" and more on the "how." If you have a lot of parenting "baggage" from your own childhood that you're personally working through, Markham's book might be a good place to start, but I preferred this book for its extreme usefulness. My favorite quote from the book -- which I will have to paraphrase because I didn't write it down -- is: We're all exhausted anyway, so rather than being irritated and exhausted, let's be silly and exhausted. Hear, hear.
*3 y/o spills milk on the floor intentionally*
Me (pissed): "What are you DOING? We TOLD you to drink your milk at the table. Now look what happened. You made a mess! Go get a towel and clean it up!"
3 y/o: *nonchalantly walks out of the room*
-- 10 minutes of cajoling, threats and tears ensue... --
After reading this book:
*3 y/o spills milk on the floor intentionally*
Me (concerned voice): "Oh. There's milk on the floor."
3 y/o: *silently walks into kitchen, gets towel, starts cleaning up*
Me (to self): "What black magic is this?!?!!!!1!!!"
I already want to re-read this book, or at least copy some of the pages listing tools for parents. I have an almost-4-year-old, and this book really hit home for a lot of the issues we have been dealing with -- bedtime struggles, tantrums, difficulty getting out the door, etc.
One thing I realized from reading this book is how many commands we issue to our son on a daily basis. As an experiment, I tried not using a single command for a day or two. I slipped up here and there, but overall I found that it really encouraged new, more respectful ways for me to communicate with my son. And what I learned is this: Commands don't work!
As a parent I am above all a pragmatist. When it comes to problems and conflicts, I just want to know what works. Yes, of course I want to be a loving parent, and acknowledge my kid's feelings, and all that, but at the end of the day I just want the kid to go tf to sleep! So here's what does work: Truly empathizing. Giving information. Presenting choices. Being playful. Being playful. BEING PLAYFUL!!!
Yes, it feels like work to muster up the energy for silliness sometimes, but IT WORKS. Just tonight my kid was having an epic bedtime tantrum, in and out of bed, sitting up in bed, crying... and I was just trying to get him to put his. freaking. head. on. the. pillow. Finally instead of negotiating, asking, threatening, etc., I remembered how he loves this show where they break everything down into "Three Special Steps." So I said, "Okay. There are three special steps for going to sleep. Step One. Put your head on the pillow. Step two. Pull up the covers. What's step three? Eat ice cream?" He immediately got under the covers with his head on the pillow, and started giggling. It was like a switch had flipped. We spent a minute or two talking about ridiculous suggestions for what Step Three could be: Eating breakfast, walking on the ceiling, going to the library, etc... and then he calmly settled down for bed. Again, MAGIC! Or no, just being playful.
"How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen" is in the same realm as Laura Markham's "Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids," but has better hands-on examples, spending less time on the "why" and more on the "how." If you have a lot of parenting "baggage" from your own childhood that you're personally working through, Markham's book might be a good place to start, but I preferred this book for its extreme usefulness. My favorite quote from the book -- which I will have to paraphrase because I didn't write it down -- is: We're all exhausted anyway, so rather than being irritated and exhausted, let's be silly and exhausted. Hear, hear.
May 28, 2020
I really DON'T APPRECIATE being shown so reasonably how much of what I thought I knew is actually wrong. I am also VERY ANNOYED to find some of the methods this book teaches working IMMEDIATELY when I tried them. Five stars.
December 14, 2016
Oh, man. This might be the most empowering parenting book I've read about the age and stage of parenting that I (and most of my friends) am currently in! This collection first gives you the information and tools (in part one), along with myriad examples of what those tools look like in action. And then, in part two, they dive into specific situations and examples and how to use those tools to deal with tough behaviors. The authors also acknowledge that parents get ANGRY sometimes, and sometimes even yell, but it doesn't have to lead to damaging your relationship with your child when done in the right way. In the six days it took me to read this book, I started using the tools and tips immediately. This morning, when the boys got into a bit of a scuffle, my oldest used his words to identify his feelings instead of lashing out at his younger brother. It was a breakthrough! Not only are they working for my kiddos, they are absorbing the information and it's helping to make their relationship better! I feel like this one will go on my list of "parenting books to recommend to all the friends" from here on out.
December 9, 2024
3 ⭐️
This is a "Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7", written/produced by Joanna Faber (Daughter of Adele Faber who authored "How to talk so kids will listen & Listen so Kids will talk") and Julie King intended to help the listener/reader to forge a happy and healthy relationship with their children through effective communication.
I found some useful tools in here which I will continue to try and adopt despite at this point finding it quite difficult to implement them in real time. I have found that even just being aware of the tips offered here has softened my approach to dealing with situations of heightened emotions, empathising with and giving more consideration to the still-developing mind and not yet self-regulating emotions of my child. I still find avoiding conflict a difficult balance of engaging cooperation while not letting them run over the top of you.
There is a really handy accompanying pdf which collects and summarises the key points of each chapter. I haven't printed it off yet but would suggest that memorising some of these dot points would be almost essential for recollection at the time of need.
Where the audiobook lost me was in the delivery. On audible this is listed as a 2017 production but it very much felt to me like an old-school Carnegian self-development course telling me, without having read/listened to it myself, that Joanna is likely to have modelled it closely off the 35 year older work of her mother.
One problem is the tone of the narrator in giving examples of how to implement the tools. The feigned sympathy in which she's supposed to be addressing the children sounds extremely patronising to the point of almost sounding sarcastic and this tone occasionally seeps through into her delivery to the listener. Not sure if it's intentional but I caught her out numerous times actually trying to use some of the tools for 2-7 yr olds on us listeners which, if intentional, is actually hilarious but, if not, is a sign that maybe she's better at educating children than adults.
Then there are the dramatised re-enactments of supposedly real-life How-to-talk parenting workshops where parents share their own course success stories which just sound completely made up. Each of the recurring parents just seemed to me a caricature of a particular style of real parent, each pidgeon-holed to suit whatever message Joanna and Julie were trying to get across. The voice-acting was very grating and the stories and their lessons became somewhat repetitive.
So, I take some positives from this but, ultimately, this is not the kind of thing I'd like to read again. I think I much prefer useful, unadorned information on child psychology/what makes them tick, rather than this antiquated kind of parental self-help style. I feel like if we can understand and empathise with the psyche of the child then we can make good communicative decisions based on that knowledge rather than being spoon-fed scenario-specific examples to follow in the hope that our child will react in the ideal way to a generic tool.
This is a "Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7", written/produced by Joanna Faber (Daughter of Adele Faber who authored "How to talk so kids will listen & Listen so Kids will talk") and Julie King intended to help the listener/reader to forge a happy and healthy relationship with their children through effective communication.
I found some useful tools in here which I will continue to try and adopt despite at this point finding it quite difficult to implement them in real time. I have found that even just being aware of the tips offered here has softened my approach to dealing with situations of heightened emotions, empathising with and giving more consideration to the still-developing mind and not yet self-regulating emotions of my child. I still find avoiding conflict a difficult balance of engaging cooperation while not letting them run over the top of you.
There is a really handy accompanying pdf which collects and summarises the key points of each chapter. I haven't printed it off yet but would suggest that memorising some of these dot points would be almost essential for recollection at the time of need.
Where the audiobook lost me was in the delivery. On audible this is listed as a 2017 production but it very much felt to me like an old-school Carnegian self-development course telling me, without having read/listened to it myself, that Joanna is likely to have modelled it closely off the 35 year older work of her mother.
One problem is the tone of the narrator in giving examples of how to implement the tools. The feigned sympathy in which she's supposed to be addressing the children sounds extremely patronising to the point of almost sounding sarcastic and this tone occasionally seeps through into her delivery to the listener. Not sure if it's intentional but I caught her out numerous times actually trying to use some of the tools for 2-7 yr olds on us listeners which, if intentional, is actually hilarious but, if not, is a sign that maybe she's better at educating children than adults.
Then there are the dramatised re-enactments of supposedly real-life How-to-talk parenting workshops where parents share their own course success stories which just sound completely made up. Each of the recurring parents just seemed to me a caricature of a particular style of real parent, each pidgeon-holed to suit whatever message Joanna and Julie were trying to get across. The voice-acting was very grating and the stories and their lessons became somewhat repetitive.
So, I take some positives from this but, ultimately, this is not the kind of thing I'd like to read again. I think I much prefer useful, unadorned information on child psychology/what makes them tick, rather than this antiquated kind of parental self-help style. I feel like if we can understand and empathise with the psyche of the child then we can make good communicative decisions based on that knowledge rather than being spoon-fed scenario-specific examples to follow in the hope that our child will react in the ideal way to a generic tool.
February 8, 2021
Another book that puts the child in charge (229), which goes against parental instinct and common sense. Includes advice on dealing with special needs kids (163). Most of the advice (for all kids) is just creative ways to distract kids from their bad mood, or creative ways to manipulate kids into doing what you want. It’ll work on younger or dumber kids, but not older or smarter ones who figure out that all the distraction or manipulation in the world is not getting them what they want. One parent admits, “I’d have had to bite my tongue so hard it would bleed. Part of me thinks all this accepting feelings is making her self-centered and spoiled. I wouldn’t have dared talk to my parents that way” (275-276). That’s exactly right; it does exactly that.
Good advice:
1. Instead of giving in to your child’s spur of the moment requests for material possessions, write the item down on a wishlist instead to POSSIBLY buy later (20-21). And the reason why this is good advice is because it’s NOT giving the kid what they want, it’s putting off what they want to some unknown date that may never come.
2. Give the child choices between two pleasant things that you are okay with, both of which have the end result of you getting what you want (53-57). This one worked for me.
3. Use a timer so kids know how much time is left for them to do something (59). A timer can also be helpful to tell kids not to come downstairs or out of their room until a certain time (73).
4. Give kids information so they’ll know consequences, but do it in a kind, non-threatening manner (61).
5. Use less words to remind your kids what to do, rather than lecturing (63). Make sure the word you use is a noun, not a verb. You can also use an observational phrase like “I see a coat on the floor” (66). If the task is only half finished, verbally notice the positive while reminding about what’s left to be done. Authors contradict themselves later by saying this is an ideal thing to say to kids: “Hey, no sliding on the dance floor! I can see it’s really fun. The problem is people are dancing here and they don’t want to be knocked down. You can dance on the dance floor, or slide somewhere else, off the dance floor” (104). Sounds like a lecture to me. Do you think kids are going to be listening to all of that? It’d be better to just say “No sliding on the dance floor,” but I guess that just sounds too mean for the authors’ taste.
6. Tell your kids how you’re feeling. Examples: “I worry that you’ll get hurt,” “I get upset when kids hit each other,” “I don’t like it when...” (69-71). Try not to blame while saying it; avoid saying “you” and strong words like “furious.” I tried it: “I feel sad when kids don’t finish their food.” FAIL. Kid made excuses. Tried it another time: “I worry that you’ll step in poop when running through the grass on your hands and knees.” Kid replied, “I’m not going to step in poop!” FAIL.
7. Enforce limits/boundaries while avoiding blaming/scolding/accusing (75). Example: “I’m taking you home now. I don’t want anyone to get hit by rocks” (74).
8. “Show your child how to make amends. ‘Your sister got scared when she was pushed. Let’s do something to make her feel better’” (93).
9. When praising kids, be specific and describe effort; don’t label the child as good or smart or talented (135-146). Describe positives before negatives (148-149). Avoid praising by comparison (162).
10. Make a list to help kids stay on task and not get distracted (190). Draw pictures on the list for those who can’t read.
11. If you’re in a rush in the morning and struggle to get your kids ready to go in time, put your kids to bed in their next-day clothes instead of pajamas (236).
12. Tactics for handling shy kids: prepare the child for what to expect before meeting with new people; have the new people be playful with the child but not demanding; give the child tasks to do instead of pressuring her to be social; don’t label the kid as shy; say to the new people that the child will talk or play when ready (313-315). If a kid won’t say hi, ask the kid to wave instead (317).
13. When other tactics have failed and you are angry at your kids, going for a run can help (361). You can’t take care of others without taking care of yourself first.
14. Sometimes when kids are upset, the best approach is to say nothing (373).
15. When a kid is sad about something, in addition to acknowledging their feelings, also point out any positives there might be for someone else, or what there is to be thankful for (376-377).
Questionable:
1. Let’s draw how you feel to prevent a tantrum (23). Probably works to distract younger kids and won’t work on older ones. The book provides an example where it doesn’t work so well (25-26): Mom suggests drawing, and 3 year old Benny says “No!” And throws the crayons down. Mom says “You are this mad!” And draws herself, but accidentally rips the paper. Benny rips the paper into little pieces and giggles, “Look how mad I was,” then asks for a snack. So this teaches the kid that when he’s mad, he should destroy things? No wonder we have an epidemic of rioters. “We don’t really worry that they’ll grow up to be violent, loud insomniacs with a penchant for vandalism” (262). Funny, because a lot of young adults today act exactly like that, and it just so happens that more kids are being raised with this positive discipline junk than they were decades ago.
2. Turn a boring routine command into a playful challenge (49). I can see it working the first few times. But if you use it every time you want your kid to do something, the kid will likely tire of your game and stop playing. I tried it with getting my kid to eat: “Your food is saying ‘eat me!’” FAIL. The kid did not eat.
3. Wait for your kid to be calm, then ask the kid to think of some solutions to the problem so it doesn’t happen again (98). I’ve tried this with my kid, and it doesn’t work. My kid just repeats what she wants and doesn’t want to do anything different. I offer suggestions, and she said she doesn’t want to, and she doesn’t care how other kids feel. In an example the authors give, a kid doesn’t like their hair washed, so they come up with the idea to wear goggles in the bath (105-107). It’s a bandaid solution though, because eventually shouldn’t the child learn to take a shower normally without goggles? How are they going to learn if they continue to use this handicap? The kid needs to learn to close their eyes like everyone else.
4. Tell kids what they can do instead of what they can’t. Example: Instead of saying “Don’t throw sand,” say “Sand is for pouring and digging” (195). I think this is good advice, but I think it’s important to include the information about what the kid should not do: “Sand is for pouring and digging, not for throwing.” If you don’t include the “not for throwing,” then the kid might think it’s still okay to do it.
5. Rewarding kids for good behavior/actions is not advised, which I agree with (118). But the book gives the example of a husband offering rewards to a wife for doing as he requests. The problem with this example is that a husband and wife are considered equals in our culture, and equals don’t need to offer rewards or punishments. One merely makes the request, and the other honors it out of love. A boss, on the other hand, rewards their employees with money, and punishes them with firing. The employees won’t work for nothing. The boss is the superior. And a parent is the child’s superior. Kids often won’t do as they’re told out of love for their parents, which is why they need extra motivation. (Bad advice the book gives: If you mistakenly offer a reward to a kid, and the kid fails to satisfy the requirements for the reward, give the kid the reward anyway! [187-188])
Bad advice:
1. Advises empathizing with a kid’s feelings. In the example of waking up from a headache because you didn’t get enough sleep last night, instead of saying “stop complaining” or giving advice for improvement, the authors say it’s better to say, “What we need is a nice snowstorm to shut down the school” (6). But while this may make the moody person feel better, what if the replier is not even being honest in their empathy? Secondly, empathizing is not solving the problem of the headache or lack of sleep. Imagine if a teen said, “I hate the kids in my school!” And the response was, “Me too! What we need is to bring guns to school and shoot them all up!” That would make the first kid feel great, but is it the proper response? I think it’s a problem if we teach kids that whatever their feeling is right, and that we need to agree with them and feel the same way at all times. I tried empathizing with my kid when she got frustrated. FAIL. My kid said nothing in response to me, and nothing changed.
2. The book says that when your kid complains about the food you give him, you should say “Sounds like you’re disappointed and in the mood for something else” (10). So kids should get to choose the meals everyday? Who’s the boss?
3. “When he can wail, ‘I am frustrated!’ Instead of biting, kicking, and hitting, you feel the thrill of triumph” (10)! Ha! My kid wails that AND acts out violently! The child or the parent acknowledging the feeling does NOT stop the meltdown. Empathizing with the kid and not suggesting ways to improve is still trying to protect the kid from sadness and disappointment, which are normal parts of life that kids need to learn to deal with.
What good is it for parents to protect kids from sadness and disappointment with their sugar coated distractions and refusal to say things like “no” or “that’s life,” when kids will inevitably encounter kids at school who do NOT spare their feelings when they say rude things like, “We don’t want to play with you. You’re ugly!” And in the later years, “Fuck off, bitch!”
What good is it for parents to avoid saying “Look what you did!” to prevent kids from feeling blame or shame, when if a kid never blames themselves for anything, how can they say sorry and mean it? Parents who avoid accusation statements to kids and instead place the blame on themselves by saying “I’m too worried someone is going to get hurt here” is telling the kid that the problem is with the parent, not with the kid’s behavior. When kids get older, they’ll learn to think or say, “Well, that’s your problem, Mom. *I* don’t care if someone gets hurt, so I’m going to stay right here and keep doing what I’m doing.” The book’s example: “I’m not taking you to the playground today. I don’t want to end up getting mad and yelling again” (95). So the kid thinks, “Hmph. I can’t go to the park because stupid Mom can’t control herself. She’s so mean. It’s not fair.” The kid is not taught what s/he did to make the mother get mad and yell. The book gives another example, saying when you’re an adult and you send something to someone and it gets returned in poor condition, you don’t punish the person by slapping them or locking them up or stealing from them; you’d say “I get upset when my things come back damaged” (96). NO, the more likely response is, “You can’t borrow my things anymore because you don’t treat them well.” It’s an accusation, and it’s true. Saying “I get upset...” is putting the blame on the lender, when the real blame lies with the borrower.
“Children need us to validate their feelings so they can become grown-ups who know who they are and what they feel” (17). Wrong. Generations of kids did not get their feelings validated, and yet they still became adults who knew who they are and what they feel.
4. Word substitutes: Suggests using “the problem is” instead of “but” after an empathy statement; use “as soon as you do this, we can do that” instead of “if you do this, then i’ll give you that” (18, 120-121). Even if different words are used, the meaning is the same. Using three words that basically mean the same thing as one is just more blah blah blah that the kids won’t listen to. Also, phrasing it like that (“you want the ice cream now. The problem is we have a rule about no ice cream before dinner”), it implies that the problem is the thing preventing the kid from getting what they want, not the child’s desires. But the truth is that the child’s desires are what are wrong. It’s okay to have desires, but it’s not okay to give in to those desires. It’s not good to teach kids that the rules are the problem; it might make kids want to change the rules or get rid of the parents or other authority figures who make the rules. Another bad example this book gives is about a kid who wants to eat more than 2-3 pieces of candy: “It would be nice to have a mother who wasn’t so fussy about food! One of those nice moms who gives you candy for lunch, and it’s all, ‘Oh dear, I must make sure my children are so healthy’” (380-381). This teaches a kid that even if an authority has a good reason for making the rules/laws, if the kid wants what he wants, he is the victim while the authority is to blame as being unfair and mean.
Using “even though you know...” is not any better. A kid who hears this will just reply, “Yeah, that’s how I feel. So give me what I want.”
5. Advises matching your kid’s emotion, including yelling (26-28). So this encourages the kid to yell when they’re upset.
6. Advises saying what you observe. I tried it: “I see you’re doing what I told you not to do.” Kid had the same response as when I gave the command “Stop doing that”: kid stopped doing the action, but minutes later went back to doing it. I said, “I see you haven’t put your PJ pants on yet.” Kid just said “I see you haven’t either.” FAIL.
7. Advises not punishing kids. “Can you remember being punished as a child? Did it inspire you to change your bad behavior” (88)? Yes, it did for me! And it did for many other kids I know! If a punishment doesn’t work, it’s because it isn’t harsh enough for the kid to care.
“Punishment prompts a child to think selfishly” (90). Everyone is selfish already; it’s the nature of humans and animals. That’s why capitalism works. Empathy often doesn’t work because people, especially kids, don’t care enough about other people to change their behavior. Does volunteer work make the world go round? No, it’s paid work that does. Is a boss going to be understanding and just talk to an employee who repeatedly broke the rules? No, the employee will be punished with getting fired. Does having a talk with a criminal get them to stop committing crimes? No, that’s why we have prisons. Prisons don’t work too well either (because prison isn’t a harsh enough punishment), but at least it keeps them locked up so they don’t keep committing crimes.
Joanna only advises punishment if it’s pretend punishment like putting one of her kids in pretend jail for a short amount of time, and the kid enjoys it (289). Oh yeah, like *that’s* going to motivate the kid to not be bad in the future? HA!
8. “Express your feelings . . . Strongly! ‘HEY, I don’t like to see people being pushed” (92)! Common sense thought from a kid: “I don’t care what you like.” Book’s comic book example (129): Instead of Mom saying, “You’re going to your room! And no dessert for you tonight” & Kid saying “I don’t care!”, Mom should say, “I’m upset! I don’t like what I see!” And the authors really think the kid will care more about how mom feels than about missing out on dessert? HA! Imagine being at work and your boss doesn’t like your work. What will you care more about: The boss saying, “I don’t like what I see” or the boss not paying you for the day’s work? The truth is that people are selfish; most will care more about themselves over other people’s feelings. I tried the book’s suggestion anyway: “I don’t like the toys being on the kitchen floor.” Kid ignored me and didn’t clean them up. FAIL.
9. When your kid does something wrong, instead of getting mad or punishing, ask the kid what to do to fix it (102-103). The problem is that kids often enjoy the fixing as well as the destruction/mess. So there is no incentive for them to not cause the destruction/mess in the future.
The problem with giving kids choices and asking them to come up with solutions is that it sends the message to kids that they are equals in the relationship, that parents are not the authority. It may be manageable when the kids are young and the parents can trick the kids into thinking they’re getting their way when they’re secretly making their parents happy. But what about when the kids get to be teenagers, and what they want are things like having sex and doing drugs? Is the parent going to say “I understand you want to have sex and do drugs, but Mom worries about kids when they do those things. What solutions can we come up with?” You really think the kid is going to agree to NOT do those things? No, the kid will be too old at that point to fall for your tricks. The kid won’t fear you either, because you’ve shown them all their life that you are not their authority figure, just a figure to negotiate with. And the kid being unable to obey authority figures isn’t going to help them out when they get a job either.
The book gives an example of a boy who won’t use the potty even though he knows how to (110-112). The boy comes up with the solution to have the statue of liberty tell him to use the potty. It works. So the boy obeys an inanimate object, and not his mother. And this is a good thing? The authors think yes, because it makes the kid use the potty and keeps the peace. But it won’t be so good when that boy is a teenager and isn’t obeying his mom and is too old to obey inanimate objects. The book says “It’s difficult to physically punish a child who is larger and stronger than you are” (128). But the beauty of punishment is that once it’s established, the fear of it is enough to keep kids in line. It’s not like rewards which have to keep coming in order to keep the good behavior going. A good punishment can be done just one time, and the fear of that happening again can be enough to keep kids behaving well for years.
10. Like most other discipline books, this one says no to time outs. Parents can put themselves in time out (122), or sit in time out with their child with the parent’s arm around the child comfortingly (123). The latter rewards the child’s bad behavior with love and attention from the parent.
11. Don’t say “I’m proud of you” because it credits the parent when the child should be the one credited. I disagree that that statement credits the parent; it just shows that the parent is happy with the child. The book advises instead to say “You must be pretty pleased with yourself!” (155) So in addition to these positive discipline books advising parents to not make kids feel any blame or shame, they also don’t want the kids to want to please their parents, only themselves. Sounds like the recipe for a narcissist or a sociopath.
12. If your kid hates going to school, make up excuses to pick him up early everyday! (185)
13. If your kid can’t consistently use the potty, give her a diaper vacation (189). Just hope that she volunteers to wear underwear again and doesn’t regress.
14. If you want your kid to go outside to play, but the kid doesn’t want to, instead of suggesting for him to go outside, stay inside to play with him instead (198). This is completely catering to the kid.
See my comment below for more bad advice this book gives.
Good advice:
1. Instead of giving in to your child’s spur of the moment requests for material possessions, write the item down on a wishlist instead to POSSIBLY buy later (20-21). And the reason why this is good advice is because it’s NOT giving the kid what they want, it’s putting off what they want to some unknown date that may never come.
2. Give the child choices between two pleasant things that you are okay with, both of which have the end result of you getting what you want (53-57). This one worked for me.
3. Use a timer so kids know how much time is left for them to do something (59). A timer can also be helpful to tell kids not to come downstairs or out of their room until a certain time (73).
4. Give kids information so they’ll know consequences, but do it in a kind, non-threatening manner (61).
5. Use less words to remind your kids what to do, rather than lecturing (63). Make sure the word you use is a noun, not a verb. You can also use an observational phrase like “I see a coat on the floor” (66). If the task is only half finished, verbally notice the positive while reminding about what’s left to be done. Authors contradict themselves later by saying this is an ideal thing to say to kids: “Hey, no sliding on the dance floor! I can see it’s really fun. The problem is people are dancing here and they don’t want to be knocked down. You can dance on the dance floor, or slide somewhere else, off the dance floor” (104). Sounds like a lecture to me. Do you think kids are going to be listening to all of that? It’d be better to just say “No sliding on the dance floor,” but I guess that just sounds too mean for the authors’ taste.
6. Tell your kids how you’re feeling. Examples: “I worry that you’ll get hurt,” “I get upset when kids hit each other,” “I don’t like it when...” (69-71). Try not to blame while saying it; avoid saying “you” and strong words like “furious.” I tried it: “I feel sad when kids don’t finish their food.” FAIL. Kid made excuses. Tried it another time: “I worry that you’ll step in poop when running through the grass on your hands and knees.” Kid replied, “I’m not going to step in poop!” FAIL.
7. Enforce limits/boundaries while avoiding blaming/scolding/accusing (75). Example: “I’m taking you home now. I don’t want anyone to get hit by rocks” (74).
8. “Show your child how to make amends. ‘Your sister got scared when she was pushed. Let’s do something to make her feel better’” (93).
9. When praising kids, be specific and describe effort; don’t label the child as good or smart or talented (135-146). Describe positives before negatives (148-149). Avoid praising by comparison (162).
10. Make a list to help kids stay on task and not get distracted (190). Draw pictures on the list for those who can’t read.
11. If you’re in a rush in the morning and struggle to get your kids ready to go in time, put your kids to bed in their next-day clothes instead of pajamas (236).
12. Tactics for handling shy kids: prepare the child for what to expect before meeting with new people; have the new people be playful with the child but not demanding; give the child tasks to do instead of pressuring her to be social; don’t label the kid as shy; say to the new people that the child will talk or play when ready (313-315). If a kid won’t say hi, ask the kid to wave instead (317).
13. When other tactics have failed and you are angry at your kids, going for a run can help (361). You can’t take care of others without taking care of yourself first.
14. Sometimes when kids are upset, the best approach is to say nothing (373).
15. When a kid is sad about something, in addition to acknowledging their feelings, also point out any positives there might be for someone else, or what there is to be thankful for (376-377).
Questionable:
1. Let’s draw how you feel to prevent a tantrum (23). Probably works to distract younger kids and won’t work on older ones. The book provides an example where it doesn’t work so well (25-26): Mom suggests drawing, and 3 year old Benny says “No!” And throws the crayons down. Mom says “You are this mad!” And draws herself, but accidentally rips the paper. Benny rips the paper into little pieces and giggles, “Look how mad I was,” then asks for a snack. So this teaches the kid that when he’s mad, he should destroy things? No wonder we have an epidemic of rioters. “We don’t really worry that they’ll grow up to be violent, loud insomniacs with a penchant for vandalism” (262). Funny, because a lot of young adults today act exactly like that, and it just so happens that more kids are being raised with this positive discipline junk than they were decades ago.
2. Turn a boring routine command into a playful challenge (49). I can see it working the first few times. But if you use it every time you want your kid to do something, the kid will likely tire of your game and stop playing. I tried it with getting my kid to eat: “Your food is saying ‘eat me!’” FAIL. The kid did not eat.
3. Wait for your kid to be calm, then ask the kid to think of some solutions to the problem so it doesn’t happen again (98). I’ve tried this with my kid, and it doesn’t work. My kid just repeats what she wants and doesn’t want to do anything different. I offer suggestions, and she said she doesn’t want to, and she doesn’t care how other kids feel. In an example the authors give, a kid doesn’t like their hair washed, so they come up with the idea to wear goggles in the bath (105-107). It’s a bandaid solution though, because eventually shouldn’t the child learn to take a shower normally without goggles? How are they going to learn if they continue to use this handicap? The kid needs to learn to close their eyes like everyone else.
4. Tell kids what they can do instead of what they can’t. Example: Instead of saying “Don’t throw sand,” say “Sand is for pouring and digging” (195). I think this is good advice, but I think it’s important to include the information about what the kid should not do: “Sand is for pouring and digging, not for throwing.” If you don’t include the “not for throwing,” then the kid might think it’s still okay to do it.
5. Rewarding kids for good behavior/actions is not advised, which I agree with (118). But the book gives the example of a husband offering rewards to a wife for doing as he requests. The problem with this example is that a husband and wife are considered equals in our culture, and equals don’t need to offer rewards or punishments. One merely makes the request, and the other honors it out of love. A boss, on the other hand, rewards their employees with money, and punishes them with firing. The employees won’t work for nothing. The boss is the superior. And a parent is the child’s superior. Kids often won’t do as they’re told out of love for their parents, which is why they need extra motivation. (Bad advice the book gives: If you mistakenly offer a reward to a kid, and the kid fails to satisfy the requirements for the reward, give the kid the reward anyway! [187-188])
Bad advice:
1. Advises empathizing with a kid’s feelings. In the example of waking up from a headache because you didn’t get enough sleep last night, instead of saying “stop complaining” or giving advice for improvement, the authors say it’s better to say, “What we need is a nice snowstorm to shut down the school” (6). But while this may make the moody person feel better, what if the replier is not even being honest in their empathy? Secondly, empathizing is not solving the problem of the headache or lack of sleep. Imagine if a teen said, “I hate the kids in my school!” And the response was, “Me too! What we need is to bring guns to school and shoot them all up!” That would make the first kid feel great, but is it the proper response? I think it’s a problem if we teach kids that whatever their feeling is right, and that we need to agree with them and feel the same way at all times. I tried empathizing with my kid when she got frustrated. FAIL. My kid said nothing in response to me, and nothing changed.
2. The book says that when your kid complains about the food you give him, you should say “Sounds like you’re disappointed and in the mood for something else” (10). So kids should get to choose the meals everyday? Who’s the boss?
3. “When he can wail, ‘I am frustrated!’ Instead of biting, kicking, and hitting, you feel the thrill of triumph” (10)! Ha! My kid wails that AND acts out violently! The child or the parent acknowledging the feeling does NOT stop the meltdown. Empathizing with the kid and not suggesting ways to improve is still trying to protect the kid from sadness and disappointment, which are normal parts of life that kids need to learn to deal with.
What good is it for parents to protect kids from sadness and disappointment with their sugar coated distractions and refusal to say things like “no” or “that’s life,” when kids will inevitably encounter kids at school who do NOT spare their feelings when they say rude things like, “We don’t want to play with you. You’re ugly!” And in the later years, “Fuck off, bitch!”
What good is it for parents to avoid saying “Look what you did!” to prevent kids from feeling blame or shame, when if a kid never blames themselves for anything, how can they say sorry and mean it? Parents who avoid accusation statements to kids and instead place the blame on themselves by saying “I’m too worried someone is going to get hurt here” is telling the kid that the problem is with the parent, not with the kid’s behavior. When kids get older, they’ll learn to think or say, “Well, that’s your problem, Mom. *I* don’t care if someone gets hurt, so I’m going to stay right here and keep doing what I’m doing.” The book’s example: “I’m not taking you to the playground today. I don’t want to end up getting mad and yelling again” (95). So the kid thinks, “Hmph. I can’t go to the park because stupid Mom can’t control herself. She’s so mean. It’s not fair.” The kid is not taught what s/he did to make the mother get mad and yell. The book gives another example, saying when you’re an adult and you send something to someone and it gets returned in poor condition, you don’t punish the person by slapping them or locking them up or stealing from them; you’d say “I get upset when my things come back damaged” (96). NO, the more likely response is, “You can’t borrow my things anymore because you don’t treat them well.” It’s an accusation, and it’s true. Saying “I get upset...” is putting the blame on the lender, when the real blame lies with the borrower.
“Children need us to validate their feelings so they can become grown-ups who know who they are and what they feel” (17). Wrong. Generations of kids did not get their feelings validated, and yet they still became adults who knew who they are and what they feel.
4. Word substitutes: Suggests using “the problem is” instead of “but” after an empathy statement; use “as soon as you do this, we can do that” instead of “if you do this, then i’ll give you that” (18, 120-121). Even if different words are used, the meaning is the same. Using three words that basically mean the same thing as one is just more blah blah blah that the kids won’t listen to. Also, phrasing it like that (“you want the ice cream now. The problem is we have a rule about no ice cream before dinner”), it implies that the problem is the thing preventing the kid from getting what they want, not the child’s desires. But the truth is that the child’s desires are what are wrong. It’s okay to have desires, but it’s not okay to give in to those desires. It’s not good to teach kids that the rules are the problem; it might make kids want to change the rules or get rid of the parents or other authority figures who make the rules. Another bad example this book gives is about a kid who wants to eat more than 2-3 pieces of candy: “It would be nice to have a mother who wasn’t so fussy about food! One of those nice moms who gives you candy for lunch, and it’s all, ‘Oh dear, I must make sure my children are so healthy’” (380-381). This teaches a kid that even if an authority has a good reason for making the rules/laws, if the kid wants what he wants, he is the victim while the authority is to blame as being unfair and mean.
Using “even though you know...” is not any better. A kid who hears this will just reply, “Yeah, that’s how I feel. So give me what I want.”
5. Advises matching your kid’s emotion, including yelling (26-28). So this encourages the kid to yell when they’re upset.
6. Advises saying what you observe. I tried it: “I see you’re doing what I told you not to do.” Kid had the same response as when I gave the command “Stop doing that”: kid stopped doing the action, but minutes later went back to doing it. I said, “I see you haven’t put your PJ pants on yet.” Kid just said “I see you haven’t either.” FAIL.
7. Advises not punishing kids. “Can you remember being punished as a child? Did it inspire you to change your bad behavior” (88)? Yes, it did for me! And it did for many other kids I know! If a punishment doesn’t work, it’s because it isn’t harsh enough for the kid to care.
“Punishment prompts a child to think selfishly” (90). Everyone is selfish already; it’s the nature of humans and animals. That’s why capitalism works. Empathy often doesn’t work because people, especially kids, don’t care enough about other people to change their behavior. Does volunteer work make the world go round? No, it’s paid work that does. Is a boss going to be understanding and just talk to an employee who repeatedly broke the rules? No, the employee will be punished with getting fired. Does having a talk with a criminal get them to stop committing crimes? No, that’s why we have prisons. Prisons don’t work too well either (because prison isn’t a harsh enough punishment), but at least it keeps them locked up so they don’t keep committing crimes.
Joanna only advises punishment if it’s pretend punishment like putting one of her kids in pretend jail for a short amount of time, and the kid enjoys it (289). Oh yeah, like *that’s* going to motivate the kid to not be bad in the future? HA!
8. “Express your feelings . . . Strongly! ‘HEY, I don’t like to see people being pushed” (92)! Common sense thought from a kid: “I don’t care what you like.” Book’s comic book example (129): Instead of Mom saying, “You’re going to your room! And no dessert for you tonight” & Kid saying “I don’t care!”, Mom should say, “I’m upset! I don’t like what I see!” And the authors really think the kid will care more about how mom feels than about missing out on dessert? HA! Imagine being at work and your boss doesn’t like your work. What will you care more about: The boss saying, “I don’t like what I see” or the boss not paying you for the day’s work? The truth is that people are selfish; most will care more about themselves over other people’s feelings. I tried the book’s suggestion anyway: “I don’t like the toys being on the kitchen floor.” Kid ignored me and didn’t clean them up. FAIL.
9. When your kid does something wrong, instead of getting mad or punishing, ask the kid what to do to fix it (102-103). The problem is that kids often enjoy the fixing as well as the destruction/mess. So there is no incentive for them to not cause the destruction/mess in the future.
The problem with giving kids choices and asking them to come up with solutions is that it sends the message to kids that they are equals in the relationship, that parents are not the authority. It may be manageable when the kids are young and the parents can trick the kids into thinking they’re getting their way when they’re secretly making their parents happy. But what about when the kids get to be teenagers, and what they want are things like having sex and doing drugs? Is the parent going to say “I understand you want to have sex and do drugs, but Mom worries about kids when they do those things. What solutions can we come up with?” You really think the kid is going to agree to NOT do those things? No, the kid will be too old at that point to fall for your tricks. The kid won’t fear you either, because you’ve shown them all their life that you are not their authority figure, just a figure to negotiate with. And the kid being unable to obey authority figures isn’t going to help them out when they get a job either.
The book gives an example of a boy who won’t use the potty even though he knows how to (110-112). The boy comes up with the solution to have the statue of liberty tell him to use the potty. It works. So the boy obeys an inanimate object, and not his mother. And this is a good thing? The authors think yes, because it makes the kid use the potty and keeps the peace. But it won’t be so good when that boy is a teenager and isn’t obeying his mom and is too old to obey inanimate objects. The book says “It’s difficult to physically punish a child who is larger and stronger than you are” (128). But the beauty of punishment is that once it’s established, the fear of it is enough to keep kids in line. It’s not like rewards which have to keep coming in order to keep the good behavior going. A good punishment can be done just one time, and the fear of that happening again can be enough to keep kids behaving well for years.
10. Like most other discipline books, this one says no to time outs. Parents can put themselves in time out (122), or sit in time out with their child with the parent’s arm around the child comfortingly (123). The latter rewards the child’s bad behavior with love and attention from the parent.
11. Don’t say “I’m proud of you” because it credits the parent when the child should be the one credited. I disagree that that statement credits the parent; it just shows that the parent is happy with the child. The book advises instead to say “You must be pretty pleased with yourself!” (155) So in addition to these positive discipline books advising parents to not make kids feel any blame or shame, they also don’t want the kids to want to please their parents, only themselves. Sounds like the recipe for a narcissist or a sociopath.
12. If your kid hates going to school, make up excuses to pick him up early everyday! (185)
13. If your kid can’t consistently use the potty, give her a diaper vacation (189). Just hope that she volunteers to wear underwear again and doesn’t regress.
14. If you want your kid to go outside to play, but the kid doesn’t want to, instead of suggesting for him to go outside, stay inside to play with him instead (198). This is completely catering to the kid.
See my comment below for more bad advice this book gives.
April 11, 2024
“A person’s a person, no matter how small!”
—Horton the Elephant (Dr. Seuss)
This is only the second book that I've read about how to raise kids, but I think I'm getting fed up with books on the topic. Both of them managed to thoroughly irritate the shit out of me.
I don't understand how the book has such a high aggregate rating. I found most of its content to be either 1) Common sense, 2) Jumbled, 3) Lacking cohesion , 4) Incredibly repetitive, 5) Overly permissive, and/or 6) Borderline ridiculous mindless nonsense. The book was also very poorly formatted and put together. More below.
Co-author Joanna Faber is a parenting and education expert. She contributed heavily to her mother’s award-winning book How to Talk So Kids Can Learn and wrote a new afterword for the thirtieth-anniversary edition of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk.
Co-author Julie King has been educating and supporting parents and professionals since 1995. In addition to her work with individual parents and couples, she leads “How to Talk . . .” workshops for numerous schools, nonprofits, and parent groups.
Joanna Faber & Julie King:
The book is presented as a compilation of many different case studies. Unfortunately, the authors do little more than rattle off one after another, ad infinitum; machine-gun style - with little regard for narrative flow or continuity. Most of the book is literally just a bunch of anecdotes pieced together in a virtually never-ending torrent.
The writing style of the book was supposed to be fun and whimsical. It was mildly amusing for all of about 2 seconds, after which I found it to be irritating and borderline grating. The narrators are overly excited and animated (for lack of a better term). They speak in a markedly exaggerated tone, like the listener is also a small child...
The best I got out of this book (which I know and practice already) was the authors telling the reader to acknowledge the feelings of kids, and not to be dismissive. Children are little people, and should be treated as such; they say. I agree, and the advice is not all bad. But there's a lack of clarity to their message.
This quote from another review here sums it up very well:
Now, normally, this is where my review would drop a choice quote or two from the book. You know, some insightful bit of top-shelf writing. I haven't included one here because I didn't find one in the book...
In a general trend that I've noticed that spans across the fields of child-rearing to even training dogs, there has emerged an orthodoxy of overly emotional permissiveness and pacifism. Punishment is to be avoided at all costs. One mustn't be upset with children, even. If they're throwing their toys around and destroying things, you should tell them how much you understand. Not only should you not punish children, you shouldn't even mention that they are doing something wrong:
I'm not advocating for parents to be authoritative and controlling, but kids need guardrails. The authors don't like to talk along these lines. They don't even like the idea of time-outs. They say they "don't work." Well, I guess they are contextual depending on the situation and the age of the child. Personally speaking, as the father of a wild-spiritied 2 year old, the time out has been a lifeline - for both her and me. A time-out prevents both of us from getting too upset when she inevitably blows up over the smallest thing. And, contrary to what the authors here will tell you, they do work, at least for my child. Usually, it only takes a minute or two for her to calm down and "reset." The time out gives both of us a breather and prevents the situation from boiling over.
I'm not sure when the field of parenting became taken over by permissive accommodation to the child's every whim. I am of the opinion (generally speaking) that it is a parent's job to prepare their child for the real world. You're not doing them any favours by giving them the idea that their actions have no consequences and that the world revolves around them. They do, and it doesn't.
I don't doubt that you can use some of the methods in the book successfully to be less rigid and disciplinarian, if you are that kind of parent. However, I highly doubt that the average reader of this book is that type of parent...
Sometimes kids needs to know that certain behaviour is just not acceptable. Too much airy-fairy empathizing and negotiation can set up a kid for a maladjustment of expectations in later life. The world is not going to coddle your child like the authors in the book tell you to. Other children, adults, and the rest of the world are not going to care about any of the stuff talked about here. They don't want to deal with someone else's kid's crap. Society and social groups have rules and boundaries. It's important for children to be cognizant of these.
********************
How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen was a jumbled mess. There was nothing here with any scientific merit. It's just one anecdote after another. Rinse and repeat...
The formatting and cohesion of the book was also terrible, and quite a lot of the advice was borderline ridiculous, like the quote above.
I would not recommend this one.
1 star, and off to the return bin.
—Horton the Elephant (Dr. Seuss)
This is only the second book that I've read about how to raise kids, but I think I'm getting fed up with books on the topic. Both of them managed to thoroughly irritate the shit out of me.
I don't understand how the book has such a high aggregate rating. I found most of its content to be either 1) Common sense, 2) Jumbled, 3) Lacking cohesion , 4) Incredibly repetitive, 5) Overly permissive, and/or 6) Borderline ridiculous mindless nonsense. The book was also very poorly formatted and put together. More below.
Co-author Joanna Faber is a parenting and education expert. She contributed heavily to her mother’s award-winning book How to Talk So Kids Can Learn and wrote a new afterword for the thirtieth-anniversary edition of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk.
Co-author Julie King has been educating and supporting parents and professionals since 1995. In addition to her work with individual parents and couples, she leads “How to Talk . . .” workshops for numerous schools, nonprofits, and parent groups.
Joanna Faber & Julie King:
The book is presented as a compilation of many different case studies. Unfortunately, the authors do little more than rattle off one after another, ad infinitum; machine-gun style - with little regard for narrative flow or continuity. Most of the book is literally just a bunch of anecdotes pieced together in a virtually never-ending torrent.
The writing style of the book was supposed to be fun and whimsical. It was mildly amusing for all of about 2 seconds, after which I found it to be irritating and borderline grating. The narrators are overly excited and animated (for lack of a better term). They speak in a markedly exaggerated tone, like the listener is also a small child...
The best I got out of this book (which I know and practice already) was the authors telling the reader to acknowledge the feelings of kids, and not to be dismissive. Children are little people, and should be treated as such; they say. I agree, and the advice is not all bad. But there's a lack of clarity to their message.
This quote from another review here sums it up very well:
"I also hate parenting books that compare children to adults. For example, the authors say how would you like it if someone told you to clean up. You'd feel like they were being pretty condescending and rude. Fair enough, I would feel that way. However, the author then turns around and suggests that if you want to get your kids to put on their shoes, you should have your child's shoes sing songs to their feet and say things like, "I'm going to eat your feet. They look so tasty." If someone said that to me, I'd find that pretty condescending and creepy. The parenting "experts" should decide if they view children as mini adults or not and dispense their advice accordingly instead of trying to have it both ways. "
Now, normally, this is where my review would drop a choice quote or two from the book. You know, some insightful bit of top-shelf writing. I haven't included one here because I didn't find one in the book...
In a general trend that I've noticed that spans across the fields of child-rearing to even training dogs, there has emerged an orthodoxy of overly emotional permissiveness and pacifism. Punishment is to be avoided at all costs. One mustn't be upset with children, even. If they're throwing their toys around and destroying things, you should tell them how much you understand. Not only should you not punish children, you shouldn't even mention that they are doing something wrong:
"...When Maria expressed her angry feelings to Benjamin in that last story, she did it in a particularly skillful way. She completely avoided the word you.(~What a pile of mindless nonsense...)
She said, “When I see one child hurting another I get very upset!” What she didn’t say was, “When I see you hurting your sister . . .”
When expressing annoyance, irritation, or anger, it’s important to banish the word you.
The you is accusatory. As soon as a child hears you, he feels defensive. He may respond by arguing, laughing inappropriately, running away, or getting angry in return. If we can avoid you altogether, we’re much more likely to get a cooperative attitude.
There’s a world of difference between, “Look at this mess you made!” and “I don’t like to see food on the floor!”
To the first statement, a child is likely to respond, “I didn’t do it!” “Why are you yelling at me? It was Johnny’s fault.” “Who cares?” The second statement allows a child to think to himself, “Uh oh, Mom really doesn’t want crackers on the carpet. I’d better pick them up.”
I'm not advocating for parents to be authoritative and controlling, but kids need guardrails. The authors don't like to talk along these lines. They don't even like the idea of time-outs. They say they "don't work." Well, I guess they are contextual depending on the situation and the age of the child. Personally speaking, as the father of a wild-spiritied 2 year old, the time out has been a lifeline - for both her and me. A time-out prevents both of us from getting too upset when she inevitably blows up over the smallest thing. And, contrary to what the authors here will tell you, they do work, at least for my child. Usually, it only takes a minute or two for her to calm down and "reset." The time out gives both of us a breather and prevents the situation from boiling over.
I'm not sure when the field of parenting became taken over by permissive accommodation to the child's every whim. I am of the opinion (generally speaking) that it is a parent's job to prepare their child for the real world. You're not doing them any favours by giving them the idea that their actions have no consequences and that the world revolves around them. They do, and it doesn't.
I don't doubt that you can use some of the methods in the book successfully to be less rigid and disciplinarian, if you are that kind of parent. However, I highly doubt that the average reader of this book is that type of parent...
Sometimes kids needs to know that certain behaviour is just not acceptable. Too much airy-fairy empathizing and negotiation can set up a kid for a maladjustment of expectations in later life. The world is not going to coddle your child like the authors in the book tell you to. Other children, adults, and the rest of the world are not going to care about any of the stuff talked about here. They don't want to deal with someone else's kid's crap. Society and social groups have rules and boundaries. It's important for children to be cognizant of these.
********************
How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen was a jumbled mess. There was nothing here with any scientific merit. It's just one anecdote after another. Rinse and repeat...
The formatting and cohesion of the book was also terrible, and quite a lot of the advice was borderline ridiculous, like the quote above.
I would not recommend this one.
1 star, and off to the return bin.
May 26, 2019
I WAS BLIND, BUT NOW I SEE!! This book has changed EVERYTHING! Before reading this book, I thought I was a good parent, and maybe I was. But I don’t want to be just a “good” parent. I want to be an amazing one. Ever since picking up this book I feel like my eyes have been opened and my perspective on parenting has completely changed for the better.
This book really is a survival guide. I feel like I can now thrive in life with my child, whereas before this book, it was all just a big struggle.
They describe helpful tools to use for parenting in every chapter. They include cute comics in the chapters to help you remember the tools you were just taught. And I love how much emphasis they put into acknowledging children’s feelings. It is the most important tool to use and it is the most overlooked one.
When your child is upset, they need their feelings acknowledged so they feel heard and understood. “It’s hard having to get out of your comfy bed to go to school in the mornings.” When children’s feelings are acknowledged it will solve a lot of your problems already and it will also build a foundation of trust between you and your child.
From what I’ve experienced so far, I can see the tools working their magic on my own child. One time, my husband was working in his office upstairs and it was vital that he had a few hours of being alone to finish his work. So I was playing with our son downstairs and he really wanted to show Daddy what he made out of his play doh. It looked like a Pokémon and he looked really proud of it. I explained that Daddy had to work but he can show it to him when Daddy was finished. When I turned my back on him for two seconds, he bolted up the stairs towards the office. I yelled his name “HENRY!” And heard him stop in his tracks on the staircase. I caught up to him and I saw that he had tears in his eyes. Normally I would have scolded him. “I told you Daddy was working and you didn’t listen! If you don’t listen, then I’ll have to take something away!” But instead of doing this, I bit my tongue and sympathized with him. “Is it sad that Daddy needs to work?” My son nodded his head feebly and said “Yeah.” My mama heart hurt to see him so sad so I told him that I’d check on Daddy to see if he’s busy. And after that, my son bounded downstairs with hope and fortunately my husband was able to come down for two minutes and see his son’s really cool play doh creation. There was no need to punish my son, or make him feel bad for wanting to show off his creation to his Daddy.
My son ALWAYS takes forever to eat his dinner. It’s a constant battle with him. I’m always telling him “Eat another bite of your food.” “Three more bites.” “Why are you taking so long to eat?” “You can’t just drink juice, you need food too.” It’s gotten exhausting. But I used a tool where I was playful with him. I made dinner into a game and said “I don’t think you can eat your potatoes before me!” So then it was whoever could eat their potatoes first. I let him win of course, which made him absolutely thrilled. He also cleaned off his plate, which NEVER happens! And even more astonishing, he even reached for seconds! I had a proud mama moment.
This book has honestly saved me. I know to acknowledge my child’s feelings, be playful, and problem solve, and so much more.
Reading this book, I’ve felt really guilty. All the things in this book that they’re telling you NOT to do, are exactly what I was doing before. I was using rewards, I was using threats, I was using the timeout corner. I was using all these different methods and still pulling my hair out because they weren’t working. But I love how this book also sympathizes with the parents. The authors are parents as well and have been in your shoes. They tell you that it’s okay to be angry from time to time, it only means you’re human. They reassure you that it’s not too late to instill these new rules to create a more loving and trusting household.
I feel like shouting from the rooftops! “I’VE FOUND IT! I’VE FINALLY FOUND IT! THE SURVIVAL GUIDE TO PARENTING!” I want to tell every single parent I know about this book. I want everyone’s lives to be easier because of this book. I want this book to help change parenting in people’s homes the way it did for mine. I want others to feel the relief of FINALLY having some answers on what you should really do!
Thank you so much Joanna Faber and Julie King. You two are true experts and I will use your parenting methods from now on. Because of you, my child won’t resent me when I put him in the corner. He and I will be problem solving buddies whenever something goes south. I already feel as though I can be more playful and happy and comfortable with him. I truly am grateful.
This book really is a survival guide. I feel like I can now thrive in life with my child, whereas before this book, it was all just a big struggle.
They describe helpful tools to use for parenting in every chapter. They include cute comics in the chapters to help you remember the tools you were just taught. And I love how much emphasis they put into acknowledging children’s feelings. It is the most important tool to use and it is the most overlooked one.
When your child is upset, they need their feelings acknowledged so they feel heard and understood. “It’s hard having to get out of your comfy bed to go to school in the mornings.” When children’s feelings are acknowledged it will solve a lot of your problems already and it will also build a foundation of trust between you and your child.
From what I’ve experienced so far, I can see the tools working their magic on my own child. One time, my husband was working in his office upstairs and it was vital that he had a few hours of being alone to finish his work. So I was playing with our son downstairs and he really wanted to show Daddy what he made out of his play doh. It looked like a Pokémon and he looked really proud of it. I explained that Daddy had to work but he can show it to him when Daddy was finished. When I turned my back on him for two seconds, he bolted up the stairs towards the office. I yelled his name “HENRY!” And heard him stop in his tracks on the staircase. I caught up to him and I saw that he had tears in his eyes. Normally I would have scolded him. “I told you Daddy was working and you didn’t listen! If you don’t listen, then I’ll have to take something away!” But instead of doing this, I bit my tongue and sympathized with him. “Is it sad that Daddy needs to work?” My son nodded his head feebly and said “Yeah.” My mama heart hurt to see him so sad so I told him that I’d check on Daddy to see if he’s busy. And after that, my son bounded downstairs with hope and fortunately my husband was able to come down for two minutes and see his son’s really cool play doh creation. There was no need to punish my son, or make him feel bad for wanting to show off his creation to his Daddy.
My son ALWAYS takes forever to eat his dinner. It’s a constant battle with him. I’m always telling him “Eat another bite of your food.” “Three more bites.” “Why are you taking so long to eat?” “You can’t just drink juice, you need food too.” It’s gotten exhausting. But I used a tool where I was playful with him. I made dinner into a game and said “I don’t think you can eat your potatoes before me!” So then it was whoever could eat their potatoes first. I let him win of course, which made him absolutely thrilled. He also cleaned off his plate, which NEVER happens! And even more astonishing, he even reached for seconds! I had a proud mama moment.
This book has honestly saved me. I know to acknowledge my child’s feelings, be playful, and problem solve, and so much more.
Reading this book, I’ve felt really guilty. All the things in this book that they’re telling you NOT to do, are exactly what I was doing before. I was using rewards, I was using threats, I was using the timeout corner. I was using all these different methods and still pulling my hair out because they weren’t working. But I love how this book also sympathizes with the parents. The authors are parents as well and have been in your shoes. They tell you that it’s okay to be angry from time to time, it only means you’re human. They reassure you that it’s not too late to instill these new rules to create a more loving and trusting household.
I feel like shouting from the rooftops! “I’VE FOUND IT! I’VE FINALLY FOUND IT! THE SURVIVAL GUIDE TO PARENTING!” I want to tell every single parent I know about this book. I want everyone’s lives to be easier because of this book. I want this book to help change parenting in people’s homes the way it did for mine. I want others to feel the relief of FINALLY having some answers on what you should really do!
Thank you so much Joanna Faber and Julie King. You two are true experts and I will use your parenting methods from now on. Because of you, my child won’t resent me when I put him in the corner. He and I will be problem solving buddies whenever something goes south. I already feel as though I can be more playful and happy and comfortable with him. I truly am grateful.
February 27, 2025
This is a practical resource for parents and others interacting with children aged 2 to 7. I appreciate books that use realistic scenarios and provide true examples applicable to everyday life.
March 5, 2018
I found the book to be redundant (lots of examples given, and advice was repeated).
I did enjoy the prevailing message: “listen to and acknowledge your children’s feelings”! The book allowed me to shift my perspective outside of myself... why won’t my children listen to me, why are they acting this way, etc.... and see their view of the world, how they don’t have the language to express themselves, how they have trouble remembering my requests, etc. it was a good reminder to be patient with them and with myself. (Although, I feel as though that could’ve been expressed in a book half the size or even an article.)
And I did like the specific example of speaking for your child and saying “she will do that when she feels ready.” This gives your child space and responsibility/control, all while acknowledging her feelings. I’ve found it to be helpful.
As a follower of Christ, I could feel the lack of a Christian worldview. I read the book knowing it wasn’t a Christian book, by it was hard to get over the lack of mentioning sin nature and the grace and redemption for sins of both children and parents that can be found in Christ. Also, I found the book’s goal of not punishing your children and its odd way to praise (ie not saying “I’m proud of you”) to be... unattainable, unrealistic, defeating, etc.? I realize this isn’t the authors’ intent and they do give a lot of “but this doesn’t work all the time” caveats.
I did enjoy the prevailing message: “listen to and acknowledge your children’s feelings”! The book allowed me to shift my perspective outside of myself... why won’t my children listen to me, why are they acting this way, etc.... and see their view of the world, how they don’t have the language to express themselves, how they have trouble remembering my requests, etc. it was a good reminder to be patient with them and with myself. (Although, I feel as though that could’ve been expressed in a book half the size or even an article.)
And I did like the specific example of speaking for your child and saying “she will do that when she feels ready.” This gives your child space and responsibility/control, all while acknowledging her feelings. I’ve found it to be helpful.
As a follower of Christ, I could feel the lack of a Christian worldview. I read the book knowing it wasn’t a Christian book, by it was hard to get over the lack of mentioning sin nature and the grace and redemption for sins of both children and parents that can be found in Christ. Also, I found the book’s goal of not punishing your children and its odd way to praise (ie not saying “I’m proud of you”) to be... unattainable, unrealistic, defeating, etc.? I realize this isn’t the authors’ intent and they do give a lot of “but this doesn’t work all the time” caveats.
February 2, 2019
This was extremely useful - highly recommended for parents of small kids.
I found a lot of tips which seemed useful, and was often surprised by how smoothly they worked in real life. A few times after defusing annoying situations surprisingly easily, I turned around to my wife and pointed at myself with a smug look, like "check out the skills on this guy"!
Each section of the book tackles a different problem area, e.g. "food" (when kids refuse to eat etc) or "mornings" (how to get kids out of the house in a somewhat reasonable timeframe - God knows I needed this one). The sections each have their own individual lessons, but there is useful repetition of basic concepts across sections, e.g. acknowledging your child's feelings ("You really wanted to keep watching TV, didn't you?"). This repetition of the basic concepts helps cement the lessons.
The book is full of descriptions of real situations, complete with dialogue - this is very helpful in figuring out how the lessons apply concretely in real life.
I found a lot of tips which seemed useful, and was often surprised by how smoothly they worked in real life. A few times after defusing annoying situations surprisingly easily, I turned around to my wife and pointed at myself with a smug look, like "check out the skills on this guy"!
Each section of the book tackles a different problem area, e.g. "food" (when kids refuse to eat etc) or "mornings" (how to get kids out of the house in a somewhat reasonable timeframe - God knows I needed this one). The sections each have their own individual lessons, but there is useful repetition of basic concepts across sections, e.g. acknowledging your child's feelings ("You really wanted to keep watching TV, didn't you?"). This repetition of the basic concepts helps cement the lessons.
The book is full of descriptions of real situations, complete with dialogue - this is very helpful in figuring out how the lessons apply concretely in real life.
July 1, 2025
First, I’m very thankful for a wise and discerning husband who talks through all the parenting books with me to help me clearly see why I agree or disagree with them. No talks like 11pm book talks.
The primary goal of the book would be more clearly stated in a slightly different title- “how to talk so your kids will feel happy and not argue with you as much.”
This book is pretty quintessential “gentle parenting” which I personally think is dumb and honestly really dangerous. It uses your child’s inherit sin nature as a way to manipulate your child into being easier to manage, acting “better”, and having less conflict with you. “You don’t have to stop being selfish- you just need to learn how to be selfish while also making other people happy!” It teaches kids to be master manipulators and negotiators in order to keep themselves and everyone around them happy. That’s all that matters - feeling good and making other people feel good. This includes the child’s parents - the child is responsible for the feelings and emotions of their parents. Hello, emotional manipulation and unhealthy codependency.
It became more and more clear as I read that these authors do not believe in objective truth or morality. What is described as good (without using that word cause it’s a moral judgement) is what feels good, aligns with/validates your current emotions, and makes you an enjoyable person to be around. She frequently warns against giving any moral judgements of our kids or their behavior. She also never once advocates for owning up to something as wrong, apologizing, seeking reconciliation, or seeking forgiveness. All that matters is that we move on when we feel better. “You ripped your sister’s toy out of her hands, and now she’s crying. Should you give her a snack so she feels better?” The emphasis on validating ALL emotions (for the child and the parents) teaches coping mechanisms and “better” ways to vent rather than teaching self control. She has no problem with you screaming at your kids that you feel like hitting them or you telling your kid to tear something up when their mad - at least they’re destroying property instead of hitting their sibling again.
Finally, one specific example that really ticked me off: She talks about parents seeing lying as a moral offense as if that’s stupid. She claims that learning to lie is actually an important developmental milestone for kids. It’s part of becoming an adult. She actually compares it to a baby pooping in his diaper - we don’t need to punish them or label them, just help them get past this phase and learn that “most of the time” it is best to tell the truth.
I could see how this book might have some tools that would be fairly effective in the short term. Manipulation often is. But the principles behind it, the reality of what it’s teaching, are just plain bad. What makes this book so dangerous is how “feel good” it is and how effective it seems at first glance. The only redeeming factor of this book is that it maybe teaches some helpful communication techniques to avoid escalation and keep things from ever becoming issues of disobedience at all. I’m not opposed to redirection, it just doesn’t replace discipline.
This book is also just really obnoxiously written and not enjoyable to read.
The primary goal of the book would be more clearly stated in a slightly different title- “how to talk so your kids will feel happy and not argue with you as much.”
This book is pretty quintessential “gentle parenting” which I personally think is dumb and honestly really dangerous. It uses your child’s inherit sin nature as a way to manipulate your child into being easier to manage, acting “better”, and having less conflict with you. “You don’t have to stop being selfish- you just need to learn how to be selfish while also making other people happy!” It teaches kids to be master manipulators and negotiators in order to keep themselves and everyone around them happy. That’s all that matters - feeling good and making other people feel good. This includes the child’s parents - the child is responsible for the feelings and emotions of their parents. Hello, emotional manipulation and unhealthy codependency.
It became more and more clear as I read that these authors do not believe in objective truth or morality. What is described as good (without using that word cause it’s a moral judgement) is what feels good, aligns with/validates your current emotions, and makes you an enjoyable person to be around. She frequently warns against giving any moral judgements of our kids or their behavior. She also never once advocates for owning up to something as wrong, apologizing, seeking reconciliation, or seeking forgiveness. All that matters is that we move on when we feel better. “You ripped your sister’s toy out of her hands, and now she’s crying. Should you give her a snack so she feels better?” The emphasis on validating ALL emotions (for the child and the parents) teaches coping mechanisms and “better” ways to vent rather than teaching self control. She has no problem with you screaming at your kids that you feel like hitting them or you telling your kid to tear something up when their mad - at least they’re destroying property instead of hitting their sibling again.
Finally, one specific example that really ticked me off: She talks about parents seeing lying as a moral offense as if that’s stupid. She claims that learning to lie is actually an important developmental milestone for kids. It’s part of becoming an adult. She actually compares it to a baby pooping in his diaper - we don’t need to punish them or label them, just help them get past this phase and learn that “most of the time” it is best to tell the truth.
I could see how this book might have some tools that would be fairly effective in the short term. Manipulation often is. But the principles behind it, the reality of what it’s teaching, are just plain bad. What makes this book so dangerous is how “feel good” it is and how effective it seems at first glance. The only redeeming factor of this book is that it maybe teaches some helpful communication techniques to avoid escalation and keep things from ever becoming issues of disobedience at all. I’m not opposed to redirection, it just doesn’t replace discipline.
This book is also just really obnoxiously written and not enjoyable to read.
January 17, 2020
I've read about half of How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7, and have reached the point where it's time to shelf it for reference. It's a helpful book, but after reading so many "stories" of parental success, all written in the same voice ("To my surprise, it worked! And Little Johnny has loved broccoli ever since.") I just needed to give it a rest before I started irrationally hating the authors and parent characters.
The advice seems sounds, although I haven't had much opportunity to put it into action yet. I just can't read it as a book. It's padded out to a completely unnecessary length with all the parenting stories, and I found them horribly grating after awhile.
The advice seems sounds, although I haven't had much opportunity to put it into action yet. I just can't read it as a book. It's padded out to a completely unnecessary length with all the parenting stories, and I found them horribly grating after awhile.
April 23, 2024
Oricât de mult aș citi despre cum să gestionăm crizele, refuzurile piticilor noștri, uneori am senzația ca tot nu e suficient.
Mi-a plăcut mult această lectură, pentru că validează atât sentimentele celor mici, dar și a părinților.
Mi-a plăcut mult această lectură, pentru că validează atât sentimentele celor mici, dar și a părinților.
September 2, 2024
As one who is quite choosy about parenting books, I was afraid this one would be patronizing or too lenient or goofy or any manner of negative things.
However, we have been at our wit's end with the limits of our parenting toolbox (does anyone else have an especially strong-willed child?)
I found that it dovetails nicely with The Whole Brain Child, which, while very a good basis on the WHY behind developmentally-appropriate behaviors, didn't seem to provide extensive examples with which to use in various situations for various children. Which is fine! But this book has MUCH more in terms of thinking at the level of the child and categorically coming up with a variety of approaches and phrases to use.
You are reminded while going through this book that parental authority and dignifying gentleness do not have to be mutually exclusive. Just as the best teachers and coaches, mentors and leaders do not win anyone over with bland demands.... we parents can use approaches outside the box (noticing and naming, playfulness and humor, choices and responsibility, imagination and creativity) to speak in ways our children will actually hear.
And if, like me, you want a list of the categories and examples to refer to, I found someone made a powerpoint here (which I turned into a pdf and printed out for our fridge): https://professornerdster.com/how-to-...
However, we have been at our wit's end with the limits of our parenting toolbox (does anyone else have an especially strong-willed child?)
I found that it dovetails nicely with The Whole Brain Child, which, while very a good basis on the WHY behind developmentally-appropriate behaviors, didn't seem to provide extensive examples with which to use in various situations for various children. Which is fine! But this book has MUCH more in terms of thinking at the level of the child and categorically coming up with a variety of approaches and phrases to use.
You are reminded while going through this book that parental authority and dignifying gentleness do not have to be mutually exclusive. Just as the best teachers and coaches, mentors and leaders do not win anyone over with bland demands.... we parents can use approaches outside the box (noticing and naming, playfulness and humor, choices and responsibility, imagination and creativity) to speak in ways our children will actually hear.
And if, like me, you want a list of the categories and examples to refer to, I found someone made a powerpoint here (which I turned into a pdf and printed out for our fridge): https://professornerdster.com/how-to-...
October 22, 2020
This book is kind of a slog. All the advice is based totally on anecdotes. But once again I'm obviously not the target audience lol. (Which seems to be upper middle class whole foods parents) the advice boils down do "acknowledge their feelings" and "give them a choice! Do they want to take a bath with CUPS or BUBBLES" and I can only handle the phrase "that sounds FRUSTRATING!" so much. I feel like if you tried the "reflect their feelings and use the word frustrating a lot" method on anyone over 3 they would start to realize you're being a robot pretty quickly but then again I dropped out of social work school so I'm inherently biased against using the phrase "that sounds FRUSTRATING!" as some kind of therapeutic panacea
April 22, 2017
So this book had good examples of how to actually implement things I've read in other books (Lansbury, et al) but with actual practical steps for implementation, and a real awareness that parenting little kids is damn hard and we there is no magic bullet that will make our kids into angels or give us the patience of saints- but that parenting in a respectful, gentle way can actually be done, with little kids, without me having a personality transplant.
April 12, 2020
This book was surprisingly unhelpful, especially given how much people rave about it. I thought most of it was common sense. I was looking for a book that would explain how to get my toddler to clean up when I asked. We already engage in a twenty minute back and forth of which block would you like to put away first. I don't need a book advising me to do more of that.
I also hate parenting books that compare children to adults. For example, the authors say how would you like it if someone told you to clean up. You'd feel like they were being pretty condescending and rude. Fair enough, I would feel that way. However, the author then turns around and suggests that if you want to get your kids to put on their shoes, you should have your child's shoes sing songs to their feet and say things like, "I'm going to eat your feet. They look so tasty." If someone said that to me, I'd find that pretty condescending and creepy. The parenting "experts" should decide if they view children as mini adults or not and dispense their advice accordingly instead of trying to have it both ways. Rant over.
I also hate parenting books that compare children to adults. For example, the authors say how would you like it if someone told you to clean up. You'd feel like they were being pretty condescending and rude. Fair enough, I would feel that way. However, the author then turns around and suggests that if you want to get your kids to put on their shoes, you should have your child's shoes sing songs to their feet and say things like, "I'm going to eat your feet. They look so tasty." If someone said that to me, I'd find that pretty condescending and creepy. The parenting "experts" should decide if they view children as mini adults or not and dispense their advice accordingly instead of trying to have it both ways. Rant over.
April 18, 2017
This book is a game-changer. It has forced me to stop, think and evaluate why I talk to kids (especially my own) the way I do and how it could be tweaked and made so much better and more effective. It's a dense read, but it's packed with many real-life examples and multiple different scenarios and synopses that while helpful, could also be glossed over. Most importantly, it is a powerful tool in communicating in general and not necessarily just with little kids. Because it's about assuming the positive and acknowledging feelings. It's about being playful and imaginative and offering choices. And it's about problem solving and working together. I think this book is so necessary that after finishing it, I immediately flipped back to the beginning and read the first two chapters over again. The lessons learned are forever embedded in the back of my mind and the positive outcomes are far-reaching.
December 13, 2020
DNF@35 pages
Mother writes a successful book and the daughter wants to piggyback on her success with her book. There is no psychology or science, just anecdotes from mothers. Most of the anecdotes looked made up, even though the authors say it's all real. But the kids and the way they behave seems pretty unrealistic to me. Advice is mostly common sense that any mother can figure out on her own after dealing with kids for a while. Written in a most boring way. Everything in this book could have fit inside a 10 page booklet.
Mother writes a successful book and the daughter wants to piggyback on her success with her book. There is no psychology or science, just anecdotes from mothers. Most of the anecdotes looked made up, even though the authors say it's all real. But the kids and the way they behave seems pretty unrealistic to me. Advice is mostly common sense that any mother can figure out on her own after dealing with kids for a while. Written in a most boring way. Everything in this book could have fit inside a 10 page booklet.
February 15, 2017
I gave it three stars, even though some of the tips were really good and effective with my son. Unfortunately, there is no "right" way to parent and emotions do get involved when you are upset. The "no consequences" approach is still hard for this blue collar boy to digest, but I would recommend parsing out pieces from this book. Read it and take what you need when dealing with your kid.
December 21, 2021
Dört yaşında bir oğlum var ve ona nasıl davranmamız gerektiğini bilemediğimiz türlü olaylar ve durumlar yaşıyoruz. Bu kitabı da kitapçıda gezerken çok az inceleyip büyük ölçüde içgüdüsel olarak iyi olduğunu tahmin edip aldım. Bu kadar iyi çıkmasını beklemiyordum. Benim ufkumu açtı ve bir çok konuda alternatif geliştirmemi sağladı, doğru bildiğim yanlışları da fark etmeme yaradı.
February 28, 2019
كتاب رائع مليء بالأمثلة وتجارب الآباء والأمهات مع اولادهم الصغار. يحتوي على العديد من الادوات التربوية الملهمة، تساعد في تهدئة الصغار وصقل شخصيتهم.
انصح المربيين بإضافته الى مكتبة الكتب التربوية جنباً الى جنب مع كتب التربية الشرعية 🍄
انصح المربيين بإضافته الى مكتبة الكتب التربوية جنباً الى جنب مع كتب التربية الشرعية 🍄
October 29, 2023
3.5 ⭐️
This book is not about training or teaching your children, rather simply how to motivate them. I think that should preface the book, however it does not. I fear that some people may use this as an end all be all for their parenting, and I think that would be a very incomplete view of parenting.
However this book is full of practical ways to make the everyday mundane things for fun for your child, and therefore you. And also has chapters on the little things that seem to be a battle with toddlers. (For example eating, fighting with sibling, getting in car seat when running late.)
This book was helpful to me to learn how to quickly turn this around if there ever becomes an argument on something that doesn’t require discipline. Often, our children just want their emotions to be acknowledged. As adults do as well.
I agree that punishments are not helpful for children, however the author leaves out discipline entirely.
I enjoyed the chapter on giving praise, and learned how descriptive praise is best, and sometimes a general “you did great” when they did not is a little anxiety inducing.
Would recommend this book for frustrated parents, and definitely for those who do not believe in Biblical parenting as I think being kind is a whole lot better than yelling at children. (As I have unfortunately seen often.) For parents that are raising their children Biblically, with teaching, correction, encouragement, and discipline, and teaching them God’s ways this book can still be helpful if viewed in the lens of purely motivational for specific instances.
For example, nap time and bedtime has become a whole lot for fun as I now pretend to get an officers attention to sneak us onto a boat to let Madi sleep in a cabin while at sea. We then read a book about animals in the ocean and my toddler is in charge of keeping the baby animals safe while she naps. It is quite fun for the both of us! 💞
I also liked how the author points out that children are human and are often given commands all day long. The flesh does not like to be commanded all the time, and although I believe children need to learn to obey a parent’s commands, sometimes being playful can make giving a command much more fun.
A few quotes…
“It’s not a good idea to pretend to be calm and then explode”
“A person is a person no matter how small”
This book is not about training or teaching your children, rather simply how to motivate them. I think that should preface the book, however it does not. I fear that some people may use this as an end all be all for their parenting, and I think that would be a very incomplete view of parenting.
However this book is full of practical ways to make the everyday mundane things for fun for your child, and therefore you. And also has chapters on the little things that seem to be a battle with toddlers. (For example eating, fighting with sibling, getting in car seat when running late.)
This book was helpful to me to learn how to quickly turn this around if there ever becomes an argument on something that doesn’t require discipline. Often, our children just want their emotions to be acknowledged. As adults do as well.
I agree that punishments are not helpful for children, however the author leaves out discipline entirely.
I enjoyed the chapter on giving praise, and learned how descriptive praise is best, and sometimes a general “you did great” when they did not is a little anxiety inducing.
Would recommend this book for frustrated parents, and definitely for those who do not believe in Biblical parenting as I think being kind is a whole lot better than yelling at children. (As I have unfortunately seen often.) For parents that are raising their children Biblically, with teaching, correction, encouragement, and discipline, and teaching them God’s ways this book can still be helpful if viewed in the lens of purely motivational for specific instances.
For example, nap time and bedtime has become a whole lot for fun as I now pretend to get an officers attention to sneak us onto a boat to let Madi sleep in a cabin while at sea. We then read a book about animals in the ocean and my toddler is in charge of keeping the baby animals safe while she naps. It is quite fun for the both of us! 💞
I also liked how the author points out that children are human and are often given commands all day long. The flesh does not like to be commanded all the time, and although I believe children need to learn to obey a parent’s commands, sometimes being playful can make giving a command much more fun.
A few quotes…
“It’s not a good idea to pretend to be calm and then explode”
“A person is a person no matter how small”
April 5, 2023
I agree with much of the content in here. The decision to parent gently and confidently is an important one with lifelong rewards.
However, this book continued to normalize parental rage and demonize children. The stories often included parents “wanting to throttle” or smack their children, but avoiding it by using the stepwise approach suggested in the book. In terms of harm reduction, great - if this book prevents parents from hitting their children, that’s a win.
It didn’t take the philosophy far enough. Why do we acknowledge kids’ feelings, empathize, and problem solve together? Not only because it’s more effective, but because it is the right way to treat other people, grow a loving human, and heal your own wounds. Parenting can be an extremely reparative experience. This book didn’t talk about that at all - instead there was often the idea to tell your kids loudly and often how you’re feeling. I agree with, “I’m starting to get frustrated” or “I need a break, I’ll be back in 2 minutes” but yelling “I am so angry right now!!!!!” is usually inappropriate and a sign that you need more support. There was only one mention in the book of parents getting outside help if they feel their anger is out of control, and almost no discussion of systemic issues that create parental overwhelm. They mention managing the environment for kids (not bringing them to places they have shown they can’t handle yet) but not about managing it for yourself, or what you can do if you’re in a position where you don’t have much ability to change you’re environment and need to dramatically lower your expectations of what “success” looks like.
Overall, this was an improvement from the elder Faber’s book, but I am still hoping to find a book out there that speaks to parents who are not trying to control behavior effectively and “survive” but who are interested in encouraging deeper connection and joy in relationship with their children, beings who are thoroughly good to the core and need support to thrive.
However, this book continued to normalize parental rage and demonize children. The stories often included parents “wanting to throttle” or smack their children, but avoiding it by using the stepwise approach suggested in the book. In terms of harm reduction, great - if this book prevents parents from hitting their children, that’s a win.
It didn’t take the philosophy far enough. Why do we acknowledge kids’ feelings, empathize, and problem solve together? Not only because it’s more effective, but because it is the right way to treat other people, grow a loving human, and heal your own wounds. Parenting can be an extremely reparative experience. This book didn’t talk about that at all - instead there was often the idea to tell your kids loudly and often how you’re feeling. I agree with, “I’m starting to get frustrated” or “I need a break, I’ll be back in 2 minutes” but yelling “I am so angry right now!!!!!” is usually inappropriate and a sign that you need more support. There was only one mention in the book of parents getting outside help if they feel their anger is out of control, and almost no discussion of systemic issues that create parental overwhelm. They mention managing the environment for kids (not bringing them to places they have shown they can’t handle yet) but not about managing it for yourself, or what you can do if you’re in a position where you don’t have much ability to change you’re environment and need to dramatically lower your expectations of what “success” looks like.
Overall, this was an improvement from the elder Faber’s book, but I am still hoping to find a book out there that speaks to parents who are not trying to control behavior effectively and “survive” but who are interested in encouraging deeper connection and joy in relationship with their children, beings who are thoroughly good to the core and need support to thrive.
February 8, 2021
Pro's: this is a good source of example on how to understand a child's emotions and giving them acknowledgment. I agree that if children's emotions were acknowledged regularly and dealt with accordingly instead of pushed away or schrugged off that children would over all be happier, healthier and better communicators as they grow into adulthood.
Con's: However, this book seems more of a guideline of how to tiptoe around the problem at hand and provides you with coping mechanisms of calming the child and their emotions in the moment and ignoring the problem. 2-7 yrs. Old is a tricky age and not all children cope the same way.
Con's: However, this book seems more of a guideline of how to tiptoe around the problem at hand and provides you with coping mechanisms of calming the child and their emotions in the moment and ignoring the problem. 2-7 yrs. Old is a tricky age and not all children cope the same way.
February 27, 2021
Solid examples of ways to connect with your kids. I suggest starting with “No Drama Discipline” to build your foundation and for an abuse-free perspective (to clarify: this book does not advocate for spanking, but I don’t think they were emphatic enough about saying that hitting your children is not okay).
September 4, 2018
This was pretty excellent. The book is organized clearly, the writing is accessible and enjoyable, and the tone is not obnoxiously judgmental, which I've come across in some other parenting books. I actually feel like I'm walking away with useful tools and language to use with my 3 year old.
May 23, 2023
An excellent book! A lot of concrete steps and examples when talking to young children whether it’s discipline, praise, problem solving, etc. Will definitely be buying a hard copy of this book for future reference!
October 5, 2017
Eveeet, çocuklar! Sizin için hazırım :D :D
Şaka bir yana fazlasıyla aydınlatıcı bir çeviri süreci oldu.
Sıkılırım sanıyordum, ama şaşırtıcı bir şekilde keyif aldım :)
Şaka bir yana fazlasıyla aydınlatıcı bir çeviri süreci oldu.
Sıkılırım sanıyordum, ama şaşırtıcı bir şekilde keyif aldım :)
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