Boundaries After a Pathological Relationship

by Adelyn Birch

This book is small, but mighty.

If you were involved in a pathological relationship -- or you want to prevent it from happening in the first place -- this book is for you. It gets to the heart of the matter of personal boundaries. Identifying and setting clear boundaries is vital for survivors and for anyone who wants to become more confident, improve relationships, and prevent victimization.

When you create boundaries you take a stand for yourself and your life, and you communicate your worth to others in a real and practical way. This concise and powerful book is filled with practical wisdom and useful tips. It will walk you through the process of creating boundaries from start to finish.

You get to decide how you want to live. Find your courage. Live in an authentic way. Protect yourself and what's important to you. Gain self respect and the respect of others. Boundaries will help you do all of these things.

"The BEST Manual on how to protect yourself from becoming a victim again - I know the subject too well... I am going to recommend it to the facilitators in the divorce support group I am attending."

"This small book was full of tons of useful information. I don't usually write in my books, but my copy of Boundaries has underlining on almost every page. I was really glad I bought it."

"Excellent Book for Individual, Group or Use in Therapy. A very well written book by an author who has a firm grip on abusers and their cunning ways. Excellent description on what boundaries are, why they are needed and what they can do for the holder of the newly created list of personal boundaries. This book if studied and put into practice could protect many from the narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths in all areas of one's life. It would lend exceptional protection in the area of dating. It would protect a person from repeating the selection of another abuser if a past relationship was abusive. Highly recommend!"

"Super Helpful: Make And Keep Your Boundaries.This is a really well written book. I found her tips for discovering, recording and keeping your personal boundaries extremely helpful."

"My eyes have seen the light. How I wish I would have read this book years ago."

"Worth your time! Well written, clear, and concise. So thankful I came across this quick, but powerful read. Having separated myself from an 8 year long destructive marriage, and reading many, many books on the topic, I so appreciate the wisdom I found in this writing. I feel empowered once more! Easily rated at 5 stars."

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology, Self Help, Relationships, Abuse, Mental Health, Health

64 pages, Paperback

Published January 12, 2016

Reviews

[Ximena FT · Rating 5 out of 5]

BOUNDARIES:
• Boundaries protect your emotional and physical health, they protect you from the behavior and demands of others.
• Boundaries protect you and everything you hold dear — your dreams, goals, values, your time, autonomy, self-worth, money, your safety, self-respect and emotional well-being
• When we don’t have boundaries, we neglect who we are and what we want
• Boundaries are limits set to protect the integrity of your day, your energy, your home, money, health and pursuits of your heart.
• If we’re afraid to have boundaries, it means we care more about what others think of us than what we think about ourselves
• The KEY to good boundaries is knowing what you want.
• If you aren’t clear on what you want in a relationship, you will conform to the other person’s agenda since you don’t have your own.
• When you don’t have boundaries, it means that you will put up with just about anything to be loved
• Boundaries give you a fighting chance - maybe your only chance - to prevent entanglement with a manipulator
• If a boundary problem you’re having with someone is not an isolated event, it’s probably a warning sign about the person‘s character. A character disorder is not something that can be changed.
• A boundary is a boundary, it’s yours and your aline. It does not need anyone’s approval.
⚠️ Ultimately boundaries are only as good as our skills and resolve to define, declare and defend them.

BOUNDARIES AND CONTROL:
• Setting boundaries is about seeing what you do or do not want to happen to you
• Controlling people is about telling them WHAT TO DO.
• Boundaries can’t control other people‘s behavior; whether or not they agree to respect your boundaries is for them to decide ( and what you do about this it’s up to you to decide).
• When we tell others what are rules are we, we can’t control the outcome. They have a choice to follow them or not. Then we have a choice as to what we’ll do about it.

BOUNDARY VIOLATION - COLOR CODE SYSTEM
• Decide which of your boundaries, if violated, belongs in Orange Category and which in Red Category
🟠 CODE ORANGE — means stop, think, and then proceed with caution after REASSERTING YOUR BOUNDARY with the transgressor. If someone violates repeatedly a code orange it becomes a code red situation.
🔴 CODE RED — means ABORT MISSION. There is no second chance for the violation of a boundary in your code red category.

ABUSERS:
• Abusers GRADUALLY wear down their victim’s BOUNDARIES, and as a result the victim gets to tolerate things they never would never have before
• Abuse always involves a boundary violation although every boundary violation is not necessarily abuse
• Never try to figure out what an abuser’s intentions are; all that matters is the presence of the abusive acts themselves
• Hold people accountable for their behavior
• Abusers will manipulate you into blaming yourself for the problems in the relationship prompting you to desperately try to repair the damage and regain their love
• Manipulators excel at crossing people with weak boundaries, not those who have strong ones.
• If you lack assertiveness or have trouble saying “no” the manipulator knows they are on a winner.
• With facts and with observation of a person over time and different situations you can trust your judgment of anyone’s character.
• TRUS ACTION and DISMISS WORDS

ON CONFIDENCE:
• To build confidence, develop personal boundaries before getting involved in new relationships
• When you have boundaries, your fear will diminish significantly
• There comes a time when you must learn to be your OWN PROTECTOR, your own advocate and your own best friend
• It’s up to us to protect ourselves as best we can
• Taking time to care and tend to your own LEGITIMATE wants and needs while not unnecessarily inflicting harm on others (e.x self-assertion) is perfectly healthy and desirable
• Self-worth comes from honoring who you are and what you want.
• It comed from living the life as you want to live it, not from living it the way others want you to.
• You are the one who needs to have your own best interest at heart.
• Putting other’s first BACKFIRES.
⚠️ When we’re more concerned about other peoples feelings than our own, we are the prey for manipulators
• By creating your boundaries you decided to take a stand for yourself and your life and have come up with a real and practical way to do it.
• A big part behind losing self-respect comes from compromising our needs and values as a result of enduring manipulation.
• We need to realize how powerful we really are and how much we can do to determine our own destinies.
• Stop caring so much what everybody else thinks about you and start caring about what YOU think of you.
• Practice self-confidence and self love every day until it feels natural. Setting and defending your boundaries is an excellent way to do it.

ON RELATIONSHIPS:
• Stay true to yourself because boundaries will seldom be a problem for a good person who truly likes and respects you.
• Anyone who is truly interested in you and who is trustworthy will respect your needs, values, and desires instead of walking away because of them.
• If someone does not respect your boundaries they do not respect you.
• to discern if someone truly respects your boundaries, take a look at their actions not their words
• if you spoken to the person about your boundaries and they agreed to do them and later break them, this indicates that you’re dealing with a person who expects YOU to accommodate to them and their needs and is someone who doesn’t respect your needs.
⚠️ NEVER IGNORE FEELINGS — like anger, frustration, powerless, taken advantage of, feeling disregarded— and figure them out. This may be a boundary transgression.


RELATIONSHIP REFLECTIVE QUESTIONS:
• What are your needs in a relationship?
• What are the details of the healthy loving relationship you want?
• what personality and traits do you look for in a partner ? Write them in detail
- what ACTIONS would they take to show you that they actually do possess these traits?
• What behaviors will you NOT tolerate?
• What pace would you like the relationship to take?

TYPES OF ABUSE:
• Physical Abuse — acts of violence that cause physical harm or injury
• Sexual Abuse — sexual exploitation or forced participation in sexual activity that is unwanted, unsafe or degrading
• Emotional Abuse — diminishes self- worth and self-esteem. Done in 2 ways:
- One through verbal abuse which includes name-calling, habitual criticism, insulting, yelling and shaming.
- Two — through use of underhand emotional manipulations tactics the victims isn’t aware of. It is covert and intentional infliction of psychological harm
• Financial abuse — controlling access to money, taking a victim’s money through theft or deceit, or preventing a victim from earning an income
• Social Abuse — limiting access to friends and family or completely isolating the victim, and preventing a victim from going to activities

MANIPULATION TECHNIQUES:
• Calling you selfish — SELFISHNESS — is self-absorption, self-seeking behavior that either DISREGARDS the rights and needs of others or TRAMPLES them deliberately in favor of personal gain.
• Abusers GRADUALLY wear down their victim’s BOUNDARIES, and as a result the victim gets to tolerate things they never would never have before
🚩Giving up a boundary should raise a BIG RED FLAG 🚩
• It’s a serious thing to give up something important to you. It can mean you’ve become involved with an abuser, one who will chip away at your boundaries one by one as his or her behavior worsens.

EMOTIONAL NEEDS:
• The need to be acknowledged
• The need to be accepted
• The need to be listened to
• The need to be understood
• The need to be loved
• The need to be appreciated
• The need to be respected
• The need to be valued
• The need to be worthy
• The need to be trusted
• The need to feel capable and competent
• The need to feel clear (not confused)
• The need to be supported
⭐️ The need to be SAFE, BOTH PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY

EXAMPLES OF BOUNDARIES:
• I will not be involved with a person whose words and actions do not align. I will believe actions over words every time.
• I will not be involved in a relationship with a deceitful person. I will not tolerate deceit in anyway.
I will not participate in humiliating dangerous or illegal sexual acts because I am pressured to by moremy partner will I continue a relationship with someone who pressures me to do so.
• I will not be a part of a relationship where I am not treated with love, care and respect.
• I will not be a part of a relationship where my emotional needs are invalidated.
• I will not be involved with anyone who missed treats people or animals.
• I will not give Up the following activities ..... ( ) .....
• I will not tolerate abusive behavior of any kind ( belittling, humiliating, the silent treatment, yelling or hitting)
• I will not be involved with anyone who becomes controlling, jealous or possessive.

[L · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is simple and to the point. It's the only book that I've ever read that helps me to better defend my boundaries, not just state them.

Abusive relationships happen to people with weak boundaries... abusers prey on the weak and the traumatized. Knowledge is power.

This book's most important quote?

"stop trying to understand your relationship with an abusive partner. Stop trying to understand an abusive partner. Because it doesn't matter... At the end of the day you are still getting hurt and they are still ignoring your boundaries"

[Holly Grace · Rating 5 out of 5]

I LOVED this. So much writing around abuse leaves me feeling powerless because the writer is terrified to be labelled a victim blamer by implying that there is something you can do to protect yourself. I've read so much stuff that is like "some people are bad and its all their fault and there is nothing you can do about it other than heal all the damage" and it's comforting, but ultimately just makes me scared and hopeless when i think about entering a new relationship. This was something else entirely. It was so PRACTICAL. It gets you to operationalise your boundaries. I'm now armed with an ITEMISED LIST of red and green flags and practical advise on how to uphold them. Abuse usually doesn't happen quickly, it's lots of little negations of your boundaries over time, until you don't realise how bad it has become. This encourages you to take the little things seriously to stop allowing it to escalate. This was really about defining and upholding your boundaries in a very practical way and I'm left feeling strong and more ready to be vulnerable than i have in a v v long time.

[Taylor Camille Crook · Rating 3 out of 5]

The author does a good job of giving insight on how to instill and enforce boundaries (a little less on the enforce side but still covers it some) in comparison to other books/articles I've read that only cover why it's important to have boundaries. The reason I'm listing it at 3 is because about 70% of the book is, in my opinion, rambling about manipulators and only 30% is what I was trying to get out of the book. I understand what manipulators hope to accomplish but I wanted the main focus to be on handling these people. Again, the author did cover this better than other sources I've read, I just could have done without some of the fluff. So really it's more of a 3.5. Also, people that disrespect boundaries go outside the realm of romantic relationships. A lot of the material was focused there but you can apply it to any type of relationship.

[Bronya Oldfield · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really good, simple, to the point, no wasted words. Easy to follow and one I will return to.

[CrystalIsReading on StoryGraph · Rating 2 out of 5]

It's difficult to review a book where the author is clearly passionate, and probably pretty well informed, about the topic, but the self-published formatting and the lack of proper (or any) citations for quotations and statements of fact distract me significantly from the material being presented. The lack of organization and poor layout made it difficult for me to follow the author's train of thought most of the time. For a 59 page book, this took me a long time to read, because I had to read it in small segments. This book was recommended to me by a friend who is a mental health professional, so perhaps my expectations were too high. I hope that the author gains a good editor in the future, and/or someone to help with a more organized and intuitive layout, so that she can reach a wider audience with a topic she really cares about. For me, the book wasn't very helpful, not only because I found the writing and format distracting, but also because this is mostly focused on romantic relationships, which wasn't my area of interest. Perhaps if you're just starting to research the topic, and aren't very demanding of writing style, you'll be better able to extract worthwhile messages from it.

[Lindsay Nixon · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a short book but packed with information. It’s the kind of book I’ll read 10 more times and end up highlighting every sentence. If you need an actionable plan or “workbook” for setting boundaries (with new people—this book will NOT help you deal with a narcissist or other abuser) this is a terrific book. HOWEVER you will not get any sort of “recovery” from it. Jumping straight to the tips and action rarely works without a foundation so this book is a supplement — ideal for AFTER you’ve read books about your type of abuse and/or worked into a solid recovery with a therapist.

[Elina Balode · Rating 5 out of 5]

Self-worth, self-respect is something one learns growing up in her/his circle. Took ages to create, will take slightly less to undo, but still long enough. Lack of self-worthiness leads to lack of boundaries, as own needs, feelings, time is always considered less worthy than other's, so it's given away to someone for free, even to abusers who certainly does not deserve any of it.

Book is about boundaries in a relationship, but it rightly mentions the importance of having boundaries for every aspect in life - with partner, family, friends, work. Having boundaries doesn't mean you are less loved, quite the opposite.

For such a massive and hugely important topic this tiny book is more of a handbook to stay handy when in doubt, but there is a lot of good material from compassion to kicks in the gut. How you even dare to think you are not worthy?? To add an extra layer of difficulty, the book slightly touches some challenges and false concepts that victims might face, e.g. defending a border creates feeling of guilt; people question your new set of boundaries so you start questioning yourself (when actually others are being disrespectful); borders are flexible, but how to understand what is and what is not acceptable when for some there has never been a proper example?

"Never try to figure out what an abuser's intentions are; all that matters is the presence of the abusive acts themselves and the effects they have on you. You do not have any obligation to be abused by anyone, no matter what their problem is."

"Make no mistake - your needs are every bit as important as everyone else's. If you don't believe that, you are unconsciously setting yourself up to be disrespected. Not people who will be more than happy to take advantage of you."

"Not knowing what you want in a relationship makes you like a jellyfish, a gelatinous blob that takes a shape of whatewer container you're put in".

"Now, you need to defend them (boundaries). If you don't, they're useless."

And to finish this long monologue "Nothing is foolproof..".

[Rachel Jackson · Rating 3 out of 5]

Read online: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1EGDg...

I guess I thought this short little book was going to look more at why manipulators violate boundaries and what to do about it, rather than how to set boundaries in the first place. I think it’s very important for victims of abusive relationships in any sense of the term, to understand where they will draw the line and understand when someone is manipulating or coercing them; and I did appreciate the concrete examples of boundaries and sentences to use when talking about them. But it was a lot of repetition of the same ideas and phrases and mantras that I found unnecessary after a while, too much talk about boundaries being self-care and self-love rather than tangible, actionable items to consider for one’s safety and health.

[Anna Maria · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book very quickly because it is a very small book. I finished it in a day. Written in small chapters it is easy to understand. I was just rereading this to follow on from some other psychological books that I have been reading. There was nothing new that I was not already aware of. It is very useful to people who are in a relationship, where boundaries need to be set. It was written by a lady who had been a victim herself, so for me that is always a big plus. I would recommend this book.

[Diane Glover · Rating 5 out of 5]

This books is small but dont underestimate its impact. I found it very helpful to see ways my own lack of boundaries have allowed others to use and abuse me. Understanding how, and then redefining what a boundary is... is only part of what this book will deliver to you. By the end you will learn how to write out your own list of boundaries...and the consequences of someone crossing them. Which will in the long run help you protect yourself. Its hard work... but you..being safe with who you are and what you want out of life... are worth it.

[Kony · Rating 3 out of 5]

While the heart of the message is solid, the format and content seem too simplistic to do justice to such a deep and complex topic. Also, it would be great if the author could expand her focus beyond romantic contexts, given that pathological relationships occur within families, workplaces, and friendships as well. Bottom line: Not completely unhelpful; about as helpful as an inspirational instagram post might be.

[Zarathustra Goertzel · Rating 4 out of 5]

Short, sweet, and to the point.

This book provides examples and guidelines for boundaries as "basic human rights" to defend oneself :)

One caveat is that the book is written from the "dealing with an abuser" perspective, whereas I think the core message is important for many more varietes of bad relationship dynamics, as mentioned by Mark Manson they can come up between anxious and avoidant partners as well.

[Lucinda Terwilliger · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was awesome! It was very informative!!! It explains why setting boundaries is so important. I need to reevaluate my situation and sit down and write a new set of rules for myself. There are a lot of great examples. Great book for you or someone you know thay has or is being abused this book will will be very helpful

[W.L. Brooks · Rating 5 out of 5]

As someone who has problems setting boundaries and speaking up when lines are crossed, this book was an eye-0pener. The information applies to all relationships, not just romantic ones. I've listened to the audiobook several times (not even 2 hours) and had to get the ebook to highlight the things that stood out to me.

[Michele L. · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you're reading this review this book is for you! It's a slim, direct & to the point volume that will tell you everything you need to know about boundaries: what they are, how to define & set them & why they're important to have & defend them for yourself! Set your boundaries for yourself & change your life.

[Tamara Jovanović · Rating 5 out of 5]

It's tell a lot about manipulation and how to be aware when you are being manipulated. Also, how to regain trust in people after you've been hurt and how to prevent it to happen in future relationships. I think every person, especially young people should read it.

[Amy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Simple, and to the point. It was very eye-opening how abusive some relationships can become without a person noticing it. I think boundaries are important because it acts as a screening system. People who respect you will do their best to respect your boundaries. It’s a good litmus test.

[Ben · Rating 2 out of 5]

I almost wrote this off as self-published bullshit, but it has some decent lists of "rights" and weak boundaries which were somewhat useful to meditate on.

[Abigayle · Rating 5 out of 5]

Inspiring, and exactly what I needed to hear.

[Becky · Rating 5 out of 5]

It's only 60 pages long, but it packs a lot of useful information in those 60 pages.

[Carolyn Colbourne · Rating 5 out of 5]

Awewome read!

[Stacey · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent how-to on how to change MY behavior to protect myself from manipulation. Great resource. Insightful and succinct. One of the best books I’ve used for my everyday mental health!

[Liana · Rating 5 out of 5]

Incredibly helpful advice on how to set and defend boundaries.

[Elsa Saks · Rating 5 out of 5]

i began writing down my own boundaries. i got the see what i was blind to see. beyond thankful.

[Ana]

Enjoyed this quick read. Recommend anyone who comes across this book reads it and keeps it or once read passes it on to someone they care about.

[Becky Evangelidis · Rating 3 out of 5]

A good - albeit brief - insight into the importance of boundaries. Especially for those who have had none or very little.

[tabby · Rating 4 out of 5]

Short and easy read with a lot of important information. It goes over what boundaries are, your human rights, and how to set boundaries.

[Bev · Rating 4 out of 5]

Boundaries... something I had never really needed to explore until my husband left me. Interesting read.

[Alex · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very short, with a few golden nuggets that have been very helpful in knowing about. Most of it was filler to me but worth reading for the other insight.