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Forgiving Ourselves: Getting Back Up When We Let Ourselves Down
All sin, many repent, but few really forgive themselves and find peace. Too often we fail to fully claim the "amazing grace" of the Atonement. How can we help our loved ones-- and ourselves-- let go of past mistakes? Wendy Ulrich, an experienced psychologist, maps the journey from selfblame to self- forgiveness. She shows how the pure doctrines of the gospel, coupled with the practical perspectives of psychology, can help us stop harrowing our souls and start planting the seeds of faith, healing, and joy.
272 pages, Paperback
First published February 29, 2008
21 people are currently reading
311 people want to read
About the author
Wendy Ulrich
13 books50 followersWendy Ulrich, Ph.D., was a psychologist in private practice for over fifteen years in Michigan before joining her husband to serve when he was called as president of the Canada Montreal Mission in 2002. They now live in Alpine, Utah, where she founded Sixteen Stones Center for Growth, LLC, offering seminar retreats on forgiveness, abundant life, loss, spirituality, and personal growth (visit www.sixteenstones.net). She is the mother of three adult children, a former ward and stake Relief Society president, and a former president of the Association of Mormon Counselors and Psychotherapists. She is the author of Forgiving Ourselves and Weakness Is Not Sin.
from http://deseretbook.com/auth/18560/Wen...
from http://deseretbook.com/auth/18560/Wen...
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 47 reviews
February 2, 2018
Really helpful, insightful book. Felt a little like therapy, but cheaper! :-)
For anyone who has had a troubled past -- or for those who are simply troubled over their past (their sins OR their weaknesses) -- this has a lot of helpful information. Rather than brush aside what has happened, Ulrich encourages readers to learn from our experiences, to come to Christ and to learn to let go.
I took pages of notes on this. Buckle up. LOL
Some of us tend to think that if we forgive ourselves, we're letting ourselves off the hook -- but that's simply not true. Self-forgiveness is healing and it benefits ourselves and everyone around us. Here's how:
- We model self-forgiveness for others when we forgive ourselves. Who wouldn't want this for their children or their friends?
- We develop true humility. Real humility is not about being worse than everyone else; it's about recognizing where we are in relation to God. It's acknowledging that we are human, like everyone else. Believing we are worse than everyone else keeps us focused on our own needs, hurts, and failures! All our energy goes toward hiding or making sure others reassure us. This is not humility!
- We have hope to keep trying. When we are down on ourselves for past sins and weaknesses, we are actually more prone to sin and weakness.
- We refocus on our strengths. Since we're less preoccupied with our weaknesses, we're more focused on our strengths, meaning we can bless and strengthen others.
- We avoid depression and anxiety. Depression, anxiety, anger, and resentment can canker relationships. People living with depressed people are more like to become depressed themselves.
- When we forgive ourselves, we are more forgiving of others, as well.
- When we forgive ourselves, we avoid false comparisons. We don't play the martyr to show we are better than others ("no one has it as hard as I do!"); we don't let others pick on us to make them look "mean" while we look saintly. Instead of playing the martyr (serving and not getting any of the psychological benefits of service because we're serving for the wrong reasons), we can act responsibility -- and then expect others to do the same. We will get what we really need from relationships.
Self-forgiveness also helps ourselves.
- We'll have the peace of knowing we can still be loved and forgiven, even if we've sinned, and even if we know we'll sin again.
- We'll have an assurance that the risks we take as part of mortality are worth continuing to take.
- We can do small, reasonable acts of service instead of great big things to make up for all our faults.
- We avoid the sin of believing Satan. He tells us lies about our worth being based on status.
"Anxiety often underlies excessive guilt and responsibility. Anxiety serves us well when it helps us anticipate and avoid pain. But anxiety can also make us obsessive, perfectionist, and unrealistic about how much control we really have. It can get us so focused on preventing future problems that we are unable to enjoy the moment ... Anxiety can get us so terrified of being responsible for anything going wrong that we become paralyzed. Ironically, anxiety escalates in direct proportion to how much we try to control all of the uncontrollable things that make us feel anxious. The more we try to control the uncontrollable the more out of control we feel.
"The paradoxical antidote to excessive guilt and anxiety is to increase our tolerance for being wrong, at fault, or out of control. We do this by increasing our trust in God's capacity to make all things, even bad things, work together for our good. We can increase our tolerance for being out of control by consciously choosing to accept that even the best people have bad things happen to them, are not universally liked, and do not always succeed. Our anxiety will actually diminish as we stop fighting it by trying to be faultless to a fault and in control of the uncontrollable. Instead of working overtime to be in control, we work to deepen our trust in God's love and our own timid toughness. True, we may get hurt again, but we acknowledge that we survived once and can survive again." (p.58-9)
"Getting to self-forgiveness may require giving up our overidealized self-image, our freedom to do exactly as we please, and our naive insistence on life as we once knew it."
Self-forgiveness means:
- Accepting that few people get through life without betraying, deceiving, or harming someone they love, and that we are not among those few people.
- Relinquishing the erroneous belief that we are good enough to avoid any serious weakness or sin.
- Giving up all hope of ever having a better past. When we do this, we can begin working toward a new normal instead of fighting pointlessly for a return to the old normal.
- Getting to know our dark side and doing something about it -- no convincing ourselves we don't have one or that it is too powerful to rein in.
- Choosing to focus on the positive in ourselves.
- Choosing to trust the resilience of others.
- Being vigilant about our choices so others won't have to be.
- When we find our minds looping endlessly through old scenarios, we ask ourselves, 'Am I learning anything new here?' If not, we gently but firmly turn our attention to other things.
"While we want to change our very desire for sin, we won't necessarily stop wanting wrong things altogether; we will just desire God more." (p. 104)
"Instead of seeing temptation as something I will eventually and inevitably give in to, I see temptation as a cue that I need more meaningful time with friends, support for my self-esteem, better stress management at work, or connection with people who really know and love me." (p. 105)
"I'm more likely to tempt myself with my old addiction when I'm not taking care of myself, and I am learning to see such temptations as an indicator that I need to pay more attention to what is missing in my life and discover how to fix it rather than seeing temptation as my cue to act out. White-knuckle resistance and giving in are not the only choices." (p. 105)
"Forgiving others [allows] us to lay claim on Christ for what was taken from us. It [allows] us to stop feeling like a powerless victim and regain a sense of equality and strength, as well as compassion. It [means] we choose to grow and move on instead of being caught in the web of old injuries. It [means] we act to protect ourselves and those we love from further harm. It [means] we choose kindness and compassion over bitterness and vengeance." (p. 117)
"'What have I learned?' is a question that helps me go forward when I want to sit down and mope about my failures. Make a list of what you have learned, and the fog lifts a bit, the pathway forward reemerges. This is not to say that our sins are really okay because after all, look at all we learned. But it is to say that if we have to pay the price of shame, guilt, consequences, and hurting those we love, then at least let's not miss the lessons." (p. 118)
"What is the most often-repeated commandment of God? It is not to be perfect, charitable, disciplined, calm, or right. It is to repent. I may not be good at perfection, but even I can get good at repenting." (p. 120)
We can productively admit mistakes when we remember these three principles:
1. Sin is not weakness; we can be wrong without being bad.
2. Good and bad can coexist in the same person. (Practice nondefensively responding to criticism: "that's helpful. Let me think about that." or "Thank you for telling me that; tell me more.")
Remember: by definition, half of what we do is below our 'personal average'
3. We can have empathy for those we hurt. "Tune in to others as fellow humans and not just pawns in our self-esteem project."
Quote from Anne Morrow Lindbergh: "My life cannot implement in action the demands of all the people whom my heart responds."
DEALING WITH PERFECTIONISM
1. ALLOW. Recognize your mortality without fighting it or hating yourself for it. Say things like: "that hurt, but I can tolerate hurt. Just because it hurt doesn't mean it's true. It's pretty normal I would feel hurt by such a comment. I can tolerate the hurt."
2. BALANCE. Be aware of shortcomings but also your strengths. Do things like making a list of things you do well or a list of blessings.
3. CORRECT. "The need to correct is not a sign that we are lousy pilots."
4. DISTRACT. "Sometimes guilt is just an intrusive and tempting thought habit that we are better off ignoring." To ignore: acknowledge the guilty thoughts as temptations; label them as unconstructive noise; turn to other things.
5. ENJOY. The purpose of the car is to get us home, not to keep the car in mint condition.
"We find meaning and satisfaction in sacrificing, conquering problems, and enduring courageously -- virtues of inestimable worth. When taken to unhealthy extremes, however, these virtues turn impediments to self-forgiveness and self-acceptance. When we depend on suffering to feel better about ourselves, deflect others' demands, or barter for love -- often, without realizeing what we are doing -- our 'unselfishness' can become self-destructive." (p. 172)
"We may actually goad others into behaving badly by the subtle ways we irritate, invade, ignore, criticize, need, or patronize them -- all while thinking we are the ones giving, giving, giving." (p. 177)
"Feelings of resentment are my cue that I'm overdoing self-destructive unselfishness and acting like a martyr." (p. 177)
"We are owed a debt that the perpetrator cannot repay, but Christ can, although not always in this life. As we turn the fate of the debtor to Him, we gain the right to ask God to repay us for what our debtor stole. As we increase our faith and trust in the Lord, we gain confidence that in His time and on His terms we will be given full measure, pressed down and running over, for all we are due." (p. 203)
"Parenting is one of those things that is so worth doing that it is worth doing imperfectly -- which is how all parents do it." (p. 231)
"As important as it is to work on correcting our parenting mistakes, we also need to remember and focus on our parenting strengths. Unless we are involved with serious parenting sins like physical, emotional, or sexual abusde or severe neglect, building on our strenghts as parets is probably mush more important that eliminating every wekaness. Likewise, helping our children to build on their strengths is probably more important that correcting every flaw." (p. 244)
"The peace God offers may not be continuous (constant, unbroken, and uninterrupted), but it IS continual (recurrent, repeated, and persistent)." (p. 252-3)
"I believe God not only wants us to partake of the tree of life but also to become trees of life, full of healing and nourishment for others and nurtured by the Living Water that is Jesus Christ. Today, now, life and healing flow from temple altars where we covenant to be God's people and He covenants to be our God. That Living Water, if we partake of it, heals our dead, desert places and lets us live, flourish, and feed others." (p. 257-8)
For anyone who has had a troubled past -- or for those who are simply troubled over their past (their sins OR their weaknesses) -- this has a lot of helpful information. Rather than brush aside what has happened, Ulrich encourages readers to learn from our experiences, to come to Christ and to learn to let go.
I took pages of notes on this. Buckle up. LOL
Some of us tend to think that if we forgive ourselves, we're letting ourselves off the hook -- but that's simply not true. Self-forgiveness is healing and it benefits ourselves and everyone around us. Here's how:
- We model self-forgiveness for others when we forgive ourselves. Who wouldn't want this for their children or their friends?
- We develop true humility. Real humility is not about being worse than everyone else; it's about recognizing where we are in relation to God. It's acknowledging that we are human, like everyone else. Believing we are worse than everyone else keeps us focused on our own needs, hurts, and failures! All our energy goes toward hiding or making sure others reassure us. This is not humility!
- We have hope to keep trying. When we are down on ourselves for past sins and weaknesses, we are actually more prone to sin and weakness.
- We refocus on our strengths. Since we're less preoccupied with our weaknesses, we're more focused on our strengths, meaning we can bless and strengthen others.
- We avoid depression and anxiety. Depression, anxiety, anger, and resentment can canker relationships. People living with depressed people are more like to become depressed themselves.
- When we forgive ourselves, we are more forgiving of others, as well.
- When we forgive ourselves, we avoid false comparisons. We don't play the martyr to show we are better than others ("no one has it as hard as I do!"); we don't let others pick on us to make them look "mean" while we look saintly. Instead of playing the martyr (serving and not getting any of the psychological benefits of service because we're serving for the wrong reasons), we can act responsibility -- and then expect others to do the same. We will get what we really need from relationships.
Self-forgiveness also helps ourselves.
- We'll have the peace of knowing we can still be loved and forgiven, even if we've sinned, and even if we know we'll sin again.
- We'll have an assurance that the risks we take as part of mortality are worth continuing to take.
- We can do small, reasonable acts of service instead of great big things to make up for all our faults.
- We avoid the sin of believing Satan. He tells us lies about our worth being based on status.
"Anxiety often underlies excessive guilt and responsibility. Anxiety serves us well when it helps us anticipate and avoid pain. But anxiety can also make us obsessive, perfectionist, and unrealistic about how much control we really have. It can get us so focused on preventing future problems that we are unable to enjoy the moment ... Anxiety can get us so terrified of being responsible for anything going wrong that we become paralyzed. Ironically, anxiety escalates in direct proportion to how much we try to control all of the uncontrollable things that make us feel anxious. The more we try to control the uncontrollable the more out of control we feel.
"The paradoxical antidote to excessive guilt and anxiety is to increase our tolerance for being wrong, at fault, or out of control. We do this by increasing our trust in God's capacity to make all things, even bad things, work together for our good. We can increase our tolerance for being out of control by consciously choosing to accept that even the best people have bad things happen to them, are not universally liked, and do not always succeed. Our anxiety will actually diminish as we stop fighting it by trying to be faultless to a fault and in control of the uncontrollable. Instead of working overtime to be in control, we work to deepen our trust in God's love and our own timid toughness. True, we may get hurt again, but we acknowledge that we survived once and can survive again." (p.58-9)
"Getting to self-forgiveness may require giving up our overidealized self-image, our freedom to do exactly as we please, and our naive insistence on life as we once knew it."
Self-forgiveness means:
- Accepting that few people get through life without betraying, deceiving, or harming someone they love, and that we are not among those few people.
- Relinquishing the erroneous belief that we are good enough to avoid any serious weakness or sin.
- Giving up all hope of ever having a better past. When we do this, we can begin working toward a new normal instead of fighting pointlessly for a return to the old normal.
- Getting to know our dark side and doing something about it -- no convincing ourselves we don't have one or that it is too powerful to rein in.
- Choosing to focus on the positive in ourselves.
- Choosing to trust the resilience of others.
- Being vigilant about our choices so others won't have to be.
- When we find our minds looping endlessly through old scenarios, we ask ourselves, 'Am I learning anything new here?' If not, we gently but firmly turn our attention to other things.
"While we want to change our very desire for sin, we won't necessarily stop wanting wrong things altogether; we will just desire God more." (p. 104)
"Instead of seeing temptation as something I will eventually and inevitably give in to, I see temptation as a cue that I need more meaningful time with friends, support for my self-esteem, better stress management at work, or connection with people who really know and love me." (p. 105)
"I'm more likely to tempt myself with my old addiction when I'm not taking care of myself, and I am learning to see such temptations as an indicator that I need to pay more attention to what is missing in my life and discover how to fix it rather than seeing temptation as my cue to act out. White-knuckle resistance and giving in are not the only choices." (p. 105)
"Forgiving others [allows] us to lay claim on Christ for what was taken from us. It [allows] us to stop feeling like a powerless victim and regain a sense of equality and strength, as well as compassion. It [means] we choose to grow and move on instead of being caught in the web of old injuries. It [means] we act to protect ourselves and those we love from further harm. It [means] we choose kindness and compassion over bitterness and vengeance." (p. 117)
"'What have I learned?' is a question that helps me go forward when I want to sit down and mope about my failures. Make a list of what you have learned, and the fog lifts a bit, the pathway forward reemerges. This is not to say that our sins are really okay because after all, look at all we learned. But it is to say that if we have to pay the price of shame, guilt, consequences, and hurting those we love, then at least let's not miss the lessons." (p. 118)
"What is the most often-repeated commandment of God? It is not to be perfect, charitable, disciplined, calm, or right. It is to repent. I may not be good at perfection, but even I can get good at repenting." (p. 120)
We can productively admit mistakes when we remember these three principles:
1. Sin is not weakness; we can be wrong without being bad.
2. Good and bad can coexist in the same person. (Practice nondefensively responding to criticism: "that's helpful. Let me think about that." or "Thank you for telling me that; tell me more.")
Remember: by definition, half of what we do is below our 'personal average'
3. We can have empathy for those we hurt. "Tune in to others as fellow humans and not just pawns in our self-esteem project."
Quote from Anne Morrow Lindbergh: "My life cannot implement in action the demands of all the people whom my heart responds."
DEALING WITH PERFECTIONISM
1. ALLOW. Recognize your mortality without fighting it or hating yourself for it. Say things like: "that hurt, but I can tolerate hurt. Just because it hurt doesn't mean it's true. It's pretty normal I would feel hurt by such a comment. I can tolerate the hurt."
2. BALANCE. Be aware of shortcomings but also your strengths. Do things like making a list of things you do well or a list of blessings.
3. CORRECT. "The need to correct is not a sign that we are lousy pilots."
4. DISTRACT. "Sometimes guilt is just an intrusive and tempting thought habit that we are better off ignoring." To ignore: acknowledge the guilty thoughts as temptations; label them as unconstructive noise; turn to other things.
5. ENJOY. The purpose of the car is to get us home, not to keep the car in mint condition.
"We find meaning and satisfaction in sacrificing, conquering problems, and enduring courageously -- virtues of inestimable worth. When taken to unhealthy extremes, however, these virtues turn impediments to self-forgiveness and self-acceptance. When we depend on suffering to feel better about ourselves, deflect others' demands, or barter for love -- often, without realizeing what we are doing -- our 'unselfishness' can become self-destructive." (p. 172)
"We may actually goad others into behaving badly by the subtle ways we irritate, invade, ignore, criticize, need, or patronize them -- all while thinking we are the ones giving, giving, giving." (p. 177)
"Feelings of resentment are my cue that I'm overdoing self-destructive unselfishness and acting like a martyr." (p. 177)
"We are owed a debt that the perpetrator cannot repay, but Christ can, although not always in this life. As we turn the fate of the debtor to Him, we gain the right to ask God to repay us for what our debtor stole. As we increase our faith and trust in the Lord, we gain confidence that in His time and on His terms we will be given full measure, pressed down and running over, for all we are due." (p. 203)
"Parenting is one of those things that is so worth doing that it is worth doing imperfectly -- which is how all parents do it." (p. 231)
"As important as it is to work on correcting our parenting mistakes, we also need to remember and focus on our parenting strengths. Unless we are involved with serious parenting sins like physical, emotional, or sexual abusde or severe neglect, building on our strenghts as parets is probably mush more important that eliminating every wekaness. Likewise, helping our children to build on their strengths is probably more important that correcting every flaw." (p. 244)
"The peace God offers may not be continuous (constant, unbroken, and uninterrupted), but it IS continual (recurrent, repeated, and persistent)." (p. 252-3)
"I believe God not only wants us to partake of the tree of life but also to become trees of life, full of healing and nourishment for others and nurtured by the Living Water that is Jesus Christ. Today, now, life and healing flow from temple altars where we covenant to be God's people and He covenants to be our God. That Living Water, if we partake of it, heals our dead, desert places and lets us live, flourish, and feed others." (p. 257-8)
August 1, 2015
I had seen this book at several conventions and thought to myself, "I am pretty good at forgiving myself so I don't think I need to get it." I'm not sure what prompted me to finally purchase this book, but I am so glad I did! So glad!!
Wendy Ulrich is one of my all-time favorite authors. I love the way she writes. I love her analogies, her great sense of humor (which she adds at just the right moments), her honesty about her own experiences, her candidness and her willingness to be a tremendous counselor to the reader. She doesn't preach or lecture, she explains and she gives sound suggestions. She always makes sense. She doesn't hold back any information that helps the reader to come to some very insightful conclusions, which is very generous.
I can't speak highly enough about this book - it was one of the best "self-improvement" books I've ever read - and I've read a bunch of them.
Wendy Ulrich is one of my all-time favorite authors. I love the way she writes. I love her analogies, her great sense of humor (which she adds at just the right moments), her honesty about her own experiences, her candidness and her willingness to be a tremendous counselor to the reader. She doesn't preach or lecture, she explains and she gives sound suggestions. She always makes sense. She doesn't hold back any information that helps the reader to come to some very insightful conclusions, which is very generous.
I can't speak highly enough about this book - it was one of the best "self-improvement" books I've ever read - and I've read a bunch of them.
February 14, 2009
I thought this was absolutely one of the best books I have ever read. I have learned so much from it. I don't think the title does it justice. I think it is about so much more than forgiving ourselves. It has chapters about depression, anxiety, and over-working. It covers OCD, and abuse and other serious sin situations-- but it was personally helpful to me in little ways in looking at motives and if I am letting God do His part. I thought she really got right down to the nitty-gritty of why people do the things they do, and gave hope and help for change. Very gospel-centered. If you or people you know are struggling in any ways (all of us), this book is awesome. I think everyone should read this.
August 24, 2008
ya know? we mormons can be pretty darn hard on ourselves.
May 12, 2016
This book contains so much more than just what its title implies. This is one of the best books about the Atonement that I've ever read. It doesn't just explain how to receive forgiveness for sins and move forward in our lives, but explains the difference between sins and weaknesses and how to overcome both. All of us have weaknesses that aren't sins and don't need repentance, but we still need to be humble and ask for help in overcoming our weaknesses. This book is written by an LDS author who is also a psychologist, so some of the psychology in this book was really interesting to me and very insightful. This book helps the reader learn how to gain forgiveness from Heavenly Father for sins, how to overcome weaknesses through humility with the Lord's help, how to forgive ourselves for shortcomings or sins, how to forgive those that have offended us, how to sincerely apologize to people we've hurt, and generally how to apply the Atonement to our lives for peace and healing from any situation. This is a very enjoyable book to read, but contains a great depth of information.
June 3, 2012
This book should be required reading to every member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, particularly those in leadership positions. It is perfect mix of scripture, prophetic and secular quotes, and basic psychology. The author covers far more than forgiving ourselves. She reviews the how's and why's of sin and destructive cycles, deferentiating weakness from sin and explains clearly how to tackle these. Her voice is not overly sweet, or overly condemning. She realistically seeks greater healing for her readers, rather than complete healing, and always with due credit to the True Author of Healing, Jesus Christ.
January 3, 2022
Becoming more like God is so important that's it's worth doing imperfectly as we learn to do them well.
God is the author of human weakness, while Satan is the author of sin. weakness can lead to sin, but weakness in itself is not sin. Weakness generally induce shame about how poorly we compare with other people. But many scriptures suggest that the appropriate response to weakness is...genuine humility. (35)
Just like in finding the average in math, our life chooses can be looked at as averages. Half of the time, we will fall short of our average best choose, but that doesn't mean we need to feel ashamed; it just means math still is working. We aren't our best or worse moment. (136)
Sometimes guilt is a sign of clinical depression if it's often feel unwarranted self-reproach over letting others down, get preoccupied with past errors, and tend to see current problems as punishment. (144)
Reduce guilt by spending 15 mins each week:
1) doing the activity that you feel guilty not doing. If you have a list of things, start with just the first thing.
2) if they felt guilty about less concert things like getting anger then they were to read about it.
3) one sister who struggled with porn was to wait 15 mins before giving into the temptation. (151)
All-or-
Nothing thinking is common in people with depression. Along with other struggles like labeling (I'm such a failure), mind reading (they must think I'm so selfish), helplessness (I can't control my temper), hopelessness (my life will never get better), or fortune-telling (now I'll lose my job for sure).
A good cognitive therapy workbook, a good therapist, or even a good friend mày be able to help us uncover the distortions in our thinking by objectively asking such things as:
1) what is the evidence that this is true? What is the evidence it is no true?
2) what do you tell yourself this situation means about you? Is there another possibility?
3) when did you learn to see the world this way? What about this situation is different from that one? (153)
Many perfectionist obsessives believe (without realizing it) in what one expert calls "The Myth of Control". This myth includes two primary beliefs:
1) that it is possible to avoid all errors and harm, large and small, if one is careful enough and tries hard enough
2) that doing so will keep one safe from danger, criticism, and failure (160)
some missionaries have with the 100% obedience a d serving with no regrets. For most missionaries (missionaries with good but undisciplined desires and concerned but realistic enthusiasm) those principles are motivating. But people with perfectionist tendencies have difficulty moderating these messages with a realistic understanding that 100% obedience was possible only for Jesus Christ and that regret is just the price we pay to learn and grow. Determined to live all the rules exactly, they lose sight if the principles that guide the rules. The joy of serving is swallowed up in exhaustion and despair. Correction from others becomes evidence of failure, not an opportunity to improve. (163)
God is the author of human weakness, while Satan is the author of sin. weakness can lead to sin, but weakness in itself is not sin. Weakness generally induce shame about how poorly we compare with other people. But many scriptures suggest that the appropriate response to weakness is...genuine humility. (35)
Just like in finding the average in math, our life chooses can be looked at as averages. Half of the time, we will fall short of our average best choose, but that doesn't mean we need to feel ashamed; it just means math still is working. We aren't our best or worse moment. (136)
Sometimes guilt is a sign of clinical depression if it's often feel unwarranted self-reproach over letting others down, get preoccupied with past errors, and tend to see current problems as punishment. (144)
Reduce guilt by spending 15 mins each week:
1) doing the activity that you feel guilty not doing. If you have a list of things, start with just the first thing.
2) if they felt guilty about less concert things like getting anger then they were to read about it.
3) one sister who struggled with porn was to wait 15 mins before giving into the temptation. (151)
All-or-
Nothing thinking is common in people with depression. Along with other struggles like labeling (I'm such a failure), mind reading (they must think I'm so selfish), helplessness (I can't control my temper), hopelessness (my life will never get better), or fortune-telling (now I'll lose my job for sure).
A good cognitive therapy workbook, a good therapist, or even a good friend mày be able to help us uncover the distortions in our thinking by objectively asking such things as:
1) what is the evidence that this is true? What is the evidence it is no true?
2) what do you tell yourself this situation means about you? Is there another possibility?
3) when did you learn to see the world this way? What about this situation is different from that one? (153)
Many perfectionist obsessives believe (without realizing it) in what one expert calls "The Myth of Control". This myth includes two primary beliefs:
1) that it is possible to avoid all errors and harm, large and small, if one is careful enough and tries hard enough
2) that doing so will keep one safe from danger, criticism, and failure (160)
some missionaries have with the 100% obedience a d serving with no regrets. For most missionaries (missionaries with good but undisciplined desires and concerned but realistic enthusiasm) those principles are motivating. But people with perfectionist tendencies have difficulty moderating these messages with a realistic understanding that 100% obedience was possible only for Jesus Christ and that regret is just the price we pay to learn and grow. Determined to live all the rules exactly, they lose sight if the principles that guide the rules. The joy of serving is swallowed up in exhaustion and despair. Correction from others becomes evidence of failure, not an opportunity to improve. (163)
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
April 21, 2019
Dr. Ulrich is has a Ph.D. as a psychologist. I love books where psychology and doctrine mix. This book seemed like a lot more than just forgiving yourself. I initially picked it up because I've enjoyed other books written by Ulrich and she has a new one being released. Some of my favorite parts were forgiveness and trauma.
September 30, 2025
Maybe a 3.5? I think this had a lot of good ideas, and had a lot of quotes I was underlining. I think the best reminder I got from it was that there's a difference between sin and just weakness from being human. There were a lot of good therapy principles as well. But I didn't love all of the ways things were talked about and I got a little bored during some parts.
April 7, 2019
This is a great book. I have really liked all of Wendy Ulrich books that I have read. This book addresses so many more issues than just forgiving ourselves. Wendy is a great writer. She helps you see the issues clearly and deal with them in a very Christian way.
December 5, 2020
Wendy Ulrich is just my favorite. I love how she weaves psychology with gospel principles. The exercises and questions at the end of each chapter are insightful.
August 14, 2021
I can't imagine there is anyone who wouldn't benefit from reading this book.
June 11, 2023
This book was so healing for me! It was like free therapy! Highly recommend to anyone who wants to accept themselves and their weaknesses, and then change and progress.
February 19, 2025
What Jodi said ❤️
July 3, 2009
This is a must read for those struggling with perfectionism & doubts about one's self worth/worthiness. Exceptional, in particular, for those dealing with depression & other forms of dehabilitating mental illness. Not only did I buy the book for myself, I then went out & bought half a dozen copies to give away. It's one of those that I feel quite comfortable passing on to a friend, not too doctrinal and yet not too behaviorist based either. It is written for an LDS audience, but I think would apply to anyone with a Christian belief system. Highly reccomended! It's in a workbook form, plan on writing in it, not nearly as effective if you just think through the excercises.
January 10, 2012
When I finished this book I wrote that I said goodbye to a good friend. There are things in the life of everyone that one say "I can never forgive myself..." and then you just feel the blank. She deals with that topic like the great professional that she is. I love her books and this is a masterpiece. Give it a chance if you ever find yourself in that situation. Maybe you are in that situation and don't even know. It is very interesting. I love intelligent people and this woman is one of the brightest out there. If they had 10 stars I would give her.
August 21, 2013
A practical and equally inspiring "how to" on forgiveness. It has opened my mind to the reasons behind why we make the mistakes we do, and especially how we can get trapped in a situation we desperately want to be free of. To me, this book is about UNDERSTANDING and opening my mind to the possibility of real change. Having seen the face of evil in my own life and coming to terms with the consequence of sin, this book was a refreshing guide, if you will, on how to come out the other side whole and capable of joy in the future.
June 25, 2008
Wendy is my dear friend and her writing is amazing. This book is so helpful to anyone who has ever struggled to let go of the after-effects of sin and error. Her writing is beautiful and very "right-on" and the book is pretty dense, but packed with such energy and peace, it's absolutely worth the time and effort to read it well. Don't think novel...think something you're going to spend time with and work with. It's fabulous!
March 31, 2012
I liked the premise of "Forgiving Ourselves: Getting Back Up When We Let Ourselves Down", but I'm not sure that the subject warrants an entire book. It often felt like the author was multiplying her words through redundant coverage of the topics. The examples used were interesting and, perhaps, the best part of the book. The exercises were not particularly useful. I liked the book, but I will probably not go out of my way to purchase another book by this author.
June 16, 2008
Read this for my Positive Psychology class, taught by the author of this book. The book is pretty good, but I don't think I would've read it if I didn't have to. Applicable to LDS people struggling to forgive themselves for sins & to accept their weaknesses. Includes interesting sections on the unique challenges that come into play with depression, perfectionism, anxiety, trauma/abuse, etc.
July 23, 2016
My aunt, who is a counselor, recommended this book at a workshop she was giving. So many great insights, I recommend it to all. She deals with serious issues like abuse and addiction, but most of the book focuses on everyday weaknesses that we want to get rid of. She offers very helpful ideas. I learned a lot.
April 28, 2016
This is a great book combining self-help and the gospel. A friend said to me that she couldn't tell if it was a good book because she didn't understand all of the Mormon references. That makes sense to me because the book does such a good job of combining both.
Thanks, Wendy Ulrich and Suz, for writing and recommending this book.
Thanks, Wendy Ulrich and Suz, for writing and recommending this book.
April 8, 2013
This book provides a lot of insight into what it means to be forgiven and how we should forgive ourselves. I learned a lot from the author (she is a psychologist). There were lots of good ideas about how we can handle hard things in life and to recognize what is actually our fault and in our control and what isn't.
Want to read
December 1, 2008I picked up this book because its written by the wife of my friends' mission president. Also, my friend Melanie married her son. And this author happens to be from Michigan and taught at U of M.
I have met her on a few occasions, (friend's Mother in law) and was very impressed.
I have met her on a few occasions, (friend's Mother in law) and was very impressed.
Want to read
July 27, 2017So far it has helped me move past some things I have done in the past. It really has helped me forgive myself of embarrassing moments and stupid things I done. It helps me see myself through my Heavenly Father's eyes.
February 1, 2010
Really interesting read, helps to get into the nitty gritty of exactly what we're thinking that prevents us from forgiving ourselves, although I admit I never finished because it got too repetitive in the end.
November 21, 2009
One of the best books I've seen in years about how we treat ourselves, getting past our expectations to be perfect and feeling inadequate, and what Christ's atonement can mean for us. I've recommended it to MANY clients already.
October 17, 2011
I didn't ever quite get through this. I read through the first few chapters, nodded at the author's insight, decided I was pretty good at forgiving and self-forgiveness, and lost interest. I think it would be really good for people who need to work through forgiving themselves for past mistakes.
March 28, 2013
I went to time out for women last weekend and watched sister Ulrich speak. I decide that I wanted to try a few of her books and I was not disappointed. This is a very uplifting inspiring book about being able to let go of our mistakes and moving on with life.
April 3, 2013
I loved this book. Wendy is a LDS psychologist who brings much needed healing through the channel of psychology and the saviors atonement. I discovered many things about myself in this book that I had never noticed before. Gave me a lot of things to think about :)
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