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Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood
Featuring a new preface by the author on how parents can make a difference.
With author appearances on Good Morning America, The Today Show, 20 /20 and NPR's Fresh Air, and featuring articles in Newsweek, Time, and The New York Times, Real Boys is one of the most talked-about and influential books published this year.
Based on William Pollack's groundbreaking research at Harvard Medical School over two decades, Real Boys explores why many boys are sad, lonely, and confused although they may appear tough, cheerful, and confident. Pollack challenges conventional expectations about manhood and masculinity that encourage parents to treat boys as little men, raising them through a toughening process that drives their true emotions underground. Only when we understand what boys are really like, says Pollack, can we help them develop more self-confidence and the emotional savvy they need to deal with issues such as depression, love and sexuality, drugs and alcohol, divorce, and violence.
With author appearances on Good Morning America, The Today Show, 20 /20 and NPR's Fresh Air, and featuring articles in Newsweek, Time, and The New York Times, Real Boys is one of the most talked-about and influential books published this year.
Based on William Pollack's groundbreaking research at Harvard Medical School over two decades, Real Boys explores why many boys are sad, lonely, and confused although they may appear tough, cheerful, and confident. Pollack challenges conventional expectations about manhood and masculinity that encourage parents to treat boys as little men, raising them through a toughening process that drives their true emotions underground. Only when we understand what boys are really like, says Pollack, can we help them develop more self-confidence and the emotional savvy they need to deal with issues such as depression, love and sexuality, drugs and alcohol, divorce, and violence.
480 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1998
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2363 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 147 reviews
June 5, 2007
Crappy. Seriously, this came highly recommended, but I was totally unimpressed. At the same time as he pushes the obvious (don't tell your son to "act like a man" when he cries, take his feelings seriously, &etc.) the author is also doing whole chapters on the special (and different!) relationships between mothers and sons and fathers and sons. In other words, there's no attempt to repudiate the gender divide, only to ameliorate its negative effects on boys. He's perpetuating the mother/father gendered responsibility and affect split even as he bemoans the trials young boys go through in a gendered world. I stopped reading about 2/3 of the way through because I was too irritated to continue.
Want to read
May 7, 2010I'm only about a third of the way through this, but I'm finding it such a slog. Last night I picked up "The Tao of Pooh", because I'd left my copy of "Real Boys" downstairs and I couldn't be bothered going to get it, and I was so relieved to read something enjoyable. Not sure whether I'm going to be able to come back to "Real Boys". Because of:
1. It is in serious need of editing: I don't expect a psychologist to be a brilliant writer, but I do expect a published book to be in better shape than this, since there are a bunch of people in publishing, who do know what a brilliant book reads like, who have touched this book and could have made a difference.
There are multiple instances of crazy syntax, making sentences confusing to read.
There are underdeveloped analogies, seriously weakening points which, if handled better, could be profound.
Even the layout of the subheadings is bad. It's like no attention has been paid to line breaks, which affects the sense of meaning when one is reading them.
2. It is exceedingly repetitive, both thematically and literally. Across paragraphs there will be sentences with almost exactly the same meaning that just do not need to be there. Within a chapter there are lots and lots of sub-chapters, and the arching theme of the chapter is mercilessly repeated within each sub-chapter. One, the reader is not an idiot, and two, a sense of pace and momentum is lost, leading to a sense of futility in reading.
3. Both the above points make me think of how a book with an important message like this one could have turned out in the hands of, for example, Malcolm Gladwell (the author of a book that I recently enjoyed). The book needs to be much shorter, much peppier, much more thoroughly edited.
4. I think the message of analysing and deconstructing gender rules is a very, very important one. One of the most important ones, ever. This book is definitely making me think, but it is raising more questions than it is answering, and not in a good way. I love the message, don't like the writing.
5. Because, I think, of the rambliness and repetition, a sense of ideological cohesion is lost. Points and arguments are made in what feels like a random way. There's a point, then an anecdote or two, then several repetitions about the point and then we move on to another point which feels like it's not been thought about in connection with the previous point.
What other reviewers have said about a kind of cognitive dissonance is true, I think. The author talks about breaking down meaningless gender stuff but then talks about how the kind of nurturing that mothers give their sons is make-or-break stuff for how the son turns out. Um?
Like I said before, I'm about a third of the way into this, and I don't feel like I have a handle on this author's vision of what he's talking about. This could be at least partly a failing on my part, but the way I feel is that the author is not presenting his ideas in a clear way. There are inconsistencies, contradictions, and non sequiturs. It's frustrating to read since I am really interested in what he's trying to say.
6. The research, clearly extensive, that he presents, is lost in presentation. It doesn't have any Wow factor. Instead it reads as dry and dull, perhaps usual for an academic paper, but I expected something different from a book in this genre of gender studies/sociology/pop-psychology/self-help/parenting. The research should be brought to the reader (who should not be assumed to be an academic) in such a way that it integrates smoothly into the topic under discussion but maintains the impact that has led it to be included in the book in the first place.
If certain statistics are considered by the author, an expert, to be important, meaningful, to the subject, then they must be written about in such a way that shows off their importance.
I'm thinking of writers like Lise Eliot, Naomi Wolf, Malcolm Gladwell, Elizabeth Warren, people who know how to bring academic and scientific research to life, who know how to make it relateable to their subject as well as the reader. "Real Boys", as a book, needs to be rescued.
1. It is in serious need of editing: I don't expect a psychologist to be a brilliant writer, but I do expect a published book to be in better shape than this, since there are a bunch of people in publishing, who do know what a brilliant book reads like, who have touched this book and could have made a difference.
There are multiple instances of crazy syntax, making sentences confusing to read.
There are underdeveloped analogies, seriously weakening points which, if handled better, could be profound.
Even the layout of the subheadings is bad. It's like no attention has been paid to line breaks, which affects the sense of meaning when one is reading them.
2. It is exceedingly repetitive, both thematically and literally. Across paragraphs there will be sentences with almost exactly the same meaning that just do not need to be there. Within a chapter there are lots and lots of sub-chapters, and the arching theme of the chapter is mercilessly repeated within each sub-chapter. One, the reader is not an idiot, and two, a sense of pace and momentum is lost, leading to a sense of futility in reading.
3. Both the above points make me think of how a book with an important message like this one could have turned out in the hands of, for example, Malcolm Gladwell (the author of a book that I recently enjoyed). The book needs to be much shorter, much peppier, much more thoroughly edited.
4. I think the message of analysing and deconstructing gender rules is a very, very important one. One of the most important ones, ever. This book is definitely making me think, but it is raising more questions than it is answering, and not in a good way. I love the message, don't like the writing.
5. Because, I think, of the rambliness and repetition, a sense of ideological cohesion is lost. Points and arguments are made in what feels like a random way. There's a point, then an anecdote or two, then several repetitions about the point and then we move on to another point which feels like it's not been thought about in connection with the previous point.
What other reviewers have said about a kind of cognitive dissonance is true, I think. The author talks about breaking down meaningless gender stuff but then talks about how the kind of nurturing that mothers give their sons is make-or-break stuff for how the son turns out. Um?
Like I said before, I'm about a third of the way into this, and I don't feel like I have a handle on this author's vision of what he's talking about. This could be at least partly a failing on my part, but the way I feel is that the author is not presenting his ideas in a clear way. There are inconsistencies, contradictions, and non sequiturs. It's frustrating to read since I am really interested in what he's trying to say.
6. The research, clearly extensive, that he presents, is lost in presentation. It doesn't have any Wow factor. Instead it reads as dry and dull, perhaps usual for an academic paper, but I expected something different from a book in this genre of gender studies/sociology/pop-psychology/self-help/parenting. The research should be brought to the reader (who should not be assumed to be an academic) in such a way that it integrates smoothly into the topic under discussion but maintains the impact that has led it to be included in the book in the first place.
If certain statistics are considered by the author, an expert, to be important, meaningful, to the subject, then they must be written about in such a way that shows off their importance.
I'm thinking of writers like Lise Eliot, Naomi Wolf, Malcolm Gladwell, Elizabeth Warren, people who know how to bring academic and scientific research to life, who know how to make it relateable to their subject as well as the reader. "Real Boys", as a book, needs to be rescued.
April 20, 2008
We are doing a great disservice to our sons with some of the cultural expectations we place on them. This book compassionately explains many of the problems boys face in our society and what we can do to help. I grew up with all sisters and didn't have a lot of experience with boys and men until I married. This book has helped me understand my husband and son better. I especially liked the explanation of active love and how boys and girls express closeness differently at times. I hope it's helped me be more understanding and able to connect with the guys in my life. I guess my son and husband would have to be the judge of that.
abandoned
February 10, 2016I gave this book a fair shake. 100 pages in, and I'm signing out.
Generally speaking, I'm incredibly interested in the broad themes that the author discusses in this book. I'm a feminist and I was a women studies major, and the way that patriarchy binds and silences all of us is an interesting subject to me. Nevertheless, I'm out on this book. Main problems:
1. I really thought that this author would be able to explore these concepts in a new way for me. I'm raising a son, and I appreciate perspective, and I was, in fact, incredibly eager to learn more to help me as a mother. However, the author has basically just dumbed down the material in a significant way, and in 100 pages, I didn't learn a thing I didn't already know. All I could think was, "yes, and...?" I kept waiting for more info, more tips, more anything. I already do all of this stuff with my son, and so does my husband.
2. So on a related note, I also think that this book is hugely outdated. This would've been a GREAT book for my parents to read when it first came out, nearly twenty years ago. GREAT for exboyfriends' parents to read then. However, it's just not written for this time, and just not written for this new generation of parents. Great book for Boomer parents in the 90s and early 2000s, though.
3. It's not well written. As another reviewer stated, this book is both literally and thematically repetitive. This is the main reason I'm giving up. The author could've stated the 100 pages I've read in 25, but he didn't. If this book was less than 250 pages, I'd just finish it. But 400? When he's just saying the same shit over and over again? It's a fast read, but even so, I just don't have it in me to read these same themes and poorly written examples over and over.
Yes, there are people I think this book should be read by--men and some women I know who totally go with the "boys will be boys" and "boys can't wear pink" mantra. However, I would never recommend this book to those people. It's too unjustifiably long, too clunky, and too hokey to recommend to someone skeptical of feminism. They'd never read it, and if they did, they'd use it to confirm their opinion about feminist scholars spewing bullshit. Hell, I know this stuff is real (I'm a fully bought-in, card-carrying feminist), and some of those examples made me cringe like, oh, jesus, what are you complaining about, seriously? And that's completely because the author had significant problems framing the examples, his suggested "parenting tips", and every other thing in this book. Yet another problem. This book is about patriarchy, and it's about feminism, and the author doesn't use either of those words. In the first 100 pages.
If you already have any familiarity with feminism or literature re how patriarchy silences men, then you don't need this book--because you already know everything in this book. Or, to be fair--at least you already know everything in the first 100 pages of this book.
If anyone knows of a book that discusses how patriarchy silences boys/parenting tips re raising non-asshole boys amidst patriarchy, I'd love to hear about that book. This isn't it.
Generally speaking, I'm incredibly interested in the broad themes that the author discusses in this book. I'm a feminist and I was a women studies major, and the way that patriarchy binds and silences all of us is an interesting subject to me. Nevertheless, I'm out on this book. Main problems:
1. I really thought that this author would be able to explore these concepts in a new way for me. I'm raising a son, and I appreciate perspective, and I was, in fact, incredibly eager to learn more to help me as a mother. However, the author has basically just dumbed down the material in a significant way, and in 100 pages, I didn't learn a thing I didn't already know. All I could think was, "yes, and...?" I kept waiting for more info, more tips, more anything. I already do all of this stuff with my son, and so does my husband.
2. So on a related note, I also think that this book is hugely outdated. This would've been a GREAT book for my parents to read when it first came out, nearly twenty years ago. GREAT for exboyfriends' parents to read then. However, it's just not written for this time, and just not written for this new generation of parents. Great book for Boomer parents in the 90s and early 2000s, though.
3. It's not well written. As another reviewer stated, this book is both literally and thematically repetitive. This is the main reason I'm giving up. The author could've stated the 100 pages I've read in 25, but he didn't. If this book was less than 250 pages, I'd just finish it. But 400? When he's just saying the same shit over and over again? It's a fast read, but even so, I just don't have it in me to read these same themes and poorly written examples over and over.
Yes, there are people I think this book should be read by--men and some women I know who totally go with the "boys will be boys" and "boys can't wear pink" mantra. However, I would never recommend this book to those people. It's too unjustifiably long, too clunky, and too hokey to recommend to someone skeptical of feminism. They'd never read it, and if they did, they'd use it to confirm their opinion about feminist scholars spewing bullshit. Hell, I know this stuff is real (I'm a fully bought-in, card-carrying feminist), and some of those examples made me cringe like, oh, jesus, what are you complaining about, seriously? And that's completely because the author had significant problems framing the examples, his suggested "parenting tips", and every other thing in this book. Yet another problem. This book is about patriarchy, and it's about feminism, and the author doesn't use either of those words. In the first 100 pages.
If you already have any familiarity with feminism or literature re how patriarchy silences men, then you don't need this book--because you already know everything in this book. Or, to be fair--at least you already know everything in the first 100 pages of this book.
If anyone knows of a book that discusses how patriarchy silences boys/parenting tips re raising non-asshole boys amidst patriarchy, I'd love to hear about that book. This isn't it.
February 14, 2008
I read this book YEARS ago when my son was going into the tween stage. Since we homeschool, I couldn't identify much with what the author said, but....I could really identify with his points from a former public school teacher's perspective. When Columbine happened...my first thought was, "I bet those boys were bullied unmercifully growing up." Not condoning what they did, but acknowledging their pain, also. Then this book came out. I thought it had some really good points. I do believe we need to call our sons on their behavior and talk about the pain behind their actions.
Why is it as a society we seem to tolerate unkind behavior from our sons and then chalk it up to "that's the way men behave...it'll make them stronger."? I don't buy it. I think it perpetuates more pain. I am game for any book that dispels the myths of "manhood".
Anyway, I thought this book was very interesting. One thing I really got from it was to just spend time "being" with our boys. He is right...eventually they do open up.
Why is it as a society we seem to tolerate unkind behavior from our sons and then chalk it up to "that's the way men behave...it'll make them stronger."? I don't buy it. I think it perpetuates more pain. I am game for any book that dispels the myths of "manhood".
Anyway, I thought this book was very interesting. One thing I really got from it was to just spend time "being" with our boys. He is right...eventually they do open up.
August 25, 2008
This was an incredibly thoughtful baby gift, and it's totally fascinating. Basically the thesis is, boys can never be too bonded with both parents, especially mother, contrary to society's stereotypes which promote independence at such an early age as 5 or 6 years old for boys. Also explores how we unknowingly "harden" our little boys to become "little men" leading to all kinds of problems later on. Explores the two (and, with divorce or loss of a parent, sometimes three) traumas of boyhood that many boys do not recover from in various ways. The author is a Harvard clinical psychologist, so it's basically a layperson's guide to a study he completed on boys' development throughout their lives, so all of what he's saying is corroborated through stories from his research.
December 11, 2008
Pollack adamantly challenged the idealized tough love, suck up the pain, distant approach to raising boys that has been predominant in the United States for generations. In contrast, Pollack advocated for a new approach to raising boys characterized by compassion, empathy, intimacy, support, and engagement. He offers useful tips, but they must be applied with a artful hand. They seem to be a good step for the development of boys across the country but they are not the silver bullet. Pollack’s work can be an affront to traditional developmental approaches but a changing world demands changing approaches to all things, including something as sacred as American families.
May 21, 2020
Although parts of this book would now be considered out of date (the chapter about homosexuality comes to mind), I feel this is still an important read for anyone to better understand how society is failing boys & men, with suggestions as to how to provide better support as family members, teachers, and friends.
January 10, 2022
This book covers an incredibly important topic that needs to be read and understood. Unfortunately, the execution of this book does a disservice to this importance as a result of very cumbersome chapter sections that are broken down into numerous subsections (some only a paragraph long). Thus, each chapter alone can feel like a slog, particularly with how disjointing it is for the mind to have selective attention to one topic and then startled by the appearance of a case study and then another topic somewhat related, and then another, and another, all in the same chapter.
Do not misunderstand, this book has an in-depth analysis of some very important, meaningful, and alarming research that needs to be understood if we are to be an active participant in shaping positive mental health in our boys. It is just a slog, plain and simple.
Do not misunderstand, this book has an in-depth analysis of some very important, meaningful, and alarming research that needs to be understood if we are to be an active participant in shaping positive mental health in our boys. It is just a slog, plain and simple.
September 30, 2019
Great book with a lot of information. It just needs more practical information for boys of different age groups.
November 23, 2025
Very informative and helpful.
what he really needed was a little understanding and extra attention instead she humiliated him. Pg.17
instead of trying to look behind the behavior to the real boy, to what is going on inside him, teachers assume a negative, and ask these boys to make themselves even more invisible and to suppress their genuine selves further. Pg. 18
most boys, when lovingly nurtured themselves, will in turn nurture and show empathy for others. We have learned that the way parents care for their sons has an even more powerful effect on a boy's behavior than we had realized. How you treat a boy has a powerful impact on who he becomes. He is as much a product of nurturing as he is of nature. Pg.55
A boy's separation from mother at an early age and again at adolescence should ever be sanctioned Instead, mothers should be encouraged to trust their own instincts over society's misgivings that the love of a mother, in most cases, is what will help a boy launch himself into a healthy masculine life. Pg.82
Boys must not become a political football, the target of a backlash against the ways we fail to meet girls' rightful entitlements. Rather, boys' specific educational needs should be reviewed as closely and carefully as the needs of girls. I also believe it's important for us to figure out when traditional schools simply are inappropriate or ineffectual for a particular boy. Pg.265
Respect the learning pace of every boy. There is probably nothing so humiliating as being asked to learn material before one is ready or able. I believe it is absolutely critical for schools to be sensitive to each boy's individual pace as a learner. As a practical matter, this means that schools not only need to regularly determine where each boy is in every important subject area, but also to structure classes, give assignments, and test students using materials that are appropriate to their then-current level of understanding. Put simply, if some students need more time to learn, schools need to be patient and give them that time. Otherwise, as we've discovered, they simply don't learn Very well and their self-esteem falls dramatically. Pg. 267
The mentor, can do several things for the boy. First, he or she can simply check in with the boy on a regular basis- at least once per week--to see how things are going for him emotionally and academically. To help the mentor, the school might prepare a list of questions the mentor should consistently ask, such as: How is your English class going? What homework are you getting? Can you show me how you did on it? What's going on with the other students in the class? Who do you spend time with? What's the teacher like? Do you enjoy being in class with that teacher? In effect, the questions should be designed to elicit not only how the boy is doing scholastically, but also how things are going for him emotionally. Second, the mentor should offer to help him, in those classes and subject matters where the boy is doing less well. Helping him may mean tackling areas where the boy actually needs to be coached. But it may also mean finding out who his teacher is, contacting that teacher, and making sure that he or she is aware of the boy's needs and working to address them creatively. By knowing he's got someone who cares about his social and academic progress, the boy will feel greater confidence in all his interactions and activities at school. Especially for boys who at home may not be getting the kind of intimate caring attention they ideally should be, having a mentor who is empathic to them and "watching out' for their emotional and academic needs is of immense value and can make a hugely positive impact an these boys' achievements at school. Provide safe guy spaces. Pg.269
I firmly believe that the positive benefits to boys dim when sports cease to be play. Play is at the heart of healthy, integrated development. Sheer competition among boys rarely builds character and does little to bring boys closer to one another. But sports, when they are play, can be a tremendously good thing for boys. It is a sensation not of winning, but of fully playing. When sports are kept in proper perspective when we see sports primarily as a chance for boys to come together for joyful, spirited, high-energy play they can help boys discover new competencies, buttress their feelings of self-worth, and reunite them with their authentic voices, enabling them to express the deepest stirrings of emotion in their hearts, widening their circle of connections. Pg.273
Some of the classic symptoms of depression in women include becoming weepy, openly expressing hope-lessness, helplessness, and despair, showing dependence on others or seeking out and then rejecting_-help from others. Pg. 319
It's important to remember that anger or being mad is one of the main ways boys indirectly express feelings like grief, disappointment, and hopelessness. But when a boy becomes persistently angry or grouchy, he may be depressed. Pg.323
Chapter 12 was very helpful for me! Pages 322-327 are very informative about depression in boys and the symptoms to look for.
The question is not whether we live in a society awash with violent images. We do. The question is, what effect does exposure to all that violence have on boys? Pg.358
We must let them know that power need not mean power over another person; it can mean power with other people. To do that, we must begin by acknowledging the pain they have experienced themselves, allowing them to speak their feelings, and ridding them of the seeds of shame that too often grow into the thorns of violence. Pg.363
divorce is so traumatic and painful, it is actually more difficult for a boy to deal with than a parent's death. A death, even a tragic and unexpected one, is more clear-cut than a divorce. The boy will long for the parent and miss him/her, but the parent is gone; there is no possibility of his/her return. Sons of a divorced couple, by contrast, may harbor hopes that their parents will reunite, and may work very hard for years, in some cases to bring about a reconciliation, when none is possible. Societal attitudes also contribute to the relative negative consequences of divorce. Society shares grief over the death of a parent and may even make an exception to the Boy Code by allowing a boy to cry and express feelings of sadness and loss. Society, in my opinion, is far less accepting of divorce despite its prevalence-and is even less likely to accommodate a boy's feelings about it. The divorced family is often viewed as an unsuccessful one, and seems to pose a threat to intact families, especially those that may be having problems of their own. Other parents aren't sure of what to say to divorcing parents, whom to take sides with, or how to relate to the children involved. Often the result is that neighbors and friends say very little. They don't deliver hot cooked meals, as they might after a death. They don't go out of their way to call on the divorcing family, as they would attend a grieving family. And so a boy may feel yet another disconnection- this time from his community. For many boys, the only way to handle the seething emotions involved in divorce is to express them through action, as they do in many other contexts, they will commit a thousand acts that look like those of a "bad kid" but are actually the cries of a boy in pain. Or, He may withdraw, stop talking, retreat to his room, lie for hours on the couch, shoot a thousand paper wads into his wastebasket, wander around the house, watch excessive amounts of television, put on his headphones and listen to music all day long, stand by the window and stare into space. These actions or a boy's failure to act can indeed be read like a barometer of a boy's feelings. The more extreme his behavior, the greater his pain is likely to be. Pg370-371
A vast majority of boys of divorce are in the sole custody of their mother, with little or no contact with their father. With a lot of hard work and dedication, a mother can successfully raise a boy without a father in the picture, and even mentor a boy who has no significant male figure in this life. It can take time for a mother to understand and to adjust. Pg.371
In fact, there is plenty of evidence that demonstrates that a boy can sill be successful without a father and with no dominant male figure in his life. Single mothers often do a wonderful job of raising their sons without help from a man. Pg. 374
To misinterpret your son can be as damaging for your relationship as not to hear him at all. Pg.380
many have tried their best to make a go of the marriage. Many discover, despite genuine efforts to keep the marriage going, that they'lI truly thrive best on their own. Pg.387
assure your son, that although things cannot remain the same, the divorce is between (and for) the parents. Pg.387
Boys may become traumatized if emotionally they're pushed away from their closest loved ones before they’re truly ready. Parents cannot love their boys too much or somehow spoil them with too much caring or affection. in fact, boys with parents who remain emotionally connected to them do better in school, are more healthy psychologically. and, when they become adults, achieve greater success in their careers and relationships. Unless they are conditioned not to be, boys are eminently loving and caring human beings. Today’s real boy sincerely wants to help others. He's sensitive to what other people feel and he does not want to hurt them. He takes action not only because he knows that it's right or just, but because he feels genuine empathy. But as we've seen, if this empathy is to stay alive, a boy must feel that others will reciprocate. If we withhold our love and affection, our boy feels ashamed and then hardens himself. If we don't stay active in his emotional life and listen to his feelings well, he comes to believe that his emotions are not welcomed. In sum, if we don't give him our empathy, he won't give empathy to us. Real boys need people to be with who allow them to show all of their emotions, including their feelings of sadness, disappointment, and fear. Real boys need to hear that these feelings are normal, good, and "masculine." They need to know that there really isn't any feeling, activity, or behavior that is forbidden to them as boys (other than those that could end up seriously hurting them or somebody else). They need to be taught connection rather than disconnection. They need to be treated with caring and affection. They need to be convinced, that both their strengths and their vulnerabilities are good, that all sides of them will be celebrated, that we'll love them for being the boys they really are. Pg.398
what he really needed was a little understanding and extra attention instead she humiliated him. Pg.17
instead of trying to look behind the behavior to the real boy, to what is going on inside him, teachers assume a negative, and ask these boys to make themselves even more invisible and to suppress their genuine selves further. Pg. 18
most boys, when lovingly nurtured themselves, will in turn nurture and show empathy for others. We have learned that the way parents care for their sons has an even more powerful effect on a boy's behavior than we had realized. How you treat a boy has a powerful impact on who he becomes. He is as much a product of nurturing as he is of nature. Pg.55
A boy's separation from mother at an early age and again at adolescence should ever be sanctioned Instead, mothers should be encouraged to trust their own instincts over society's misgivings that the love of a mother, in most cases, is what will help a boy launch himself into a healthy masculine life. Pg.82
Boys must not become a political football, the target of a backlash against the ways we fail to meet girls' rightful entitlements. Rather, boys' specific educational needs should be reviewed as closely and carefully as the needs of girls. I also believe it's important for us to figure out when traditional schools simply are inappropriate or ineffectual for a particular boy. Pg.265
Respect the learning pace of every boy. There is probably nothing so humiliating as being asked to learn material before one is ready or able. I believe it is absolutely critical for schools to be sensitive to each boy's individual pace as a learner. As a practical matter, this means that schools not only need to regularly determine where each boy is in every important subject area, but also to structure classes, give assignments, and test students using materials that are appropriate to their then-current level of understanding. Put simply, if some students need more time to learn, schools need to be patient and give them that time. Otherwise, as we've discovered, they simply don't learn Very well and their self-esteem falls dramatically. Pg. 267
The mentor, can do several things for the boy. First, he or she can simply check in with the boy on a regular basis- at least once per week--to see how things are going for him emotionally and academically. To help the mentor, the school might prepare a list of questions the mentor should consistently ask, such as: How is your English class going? What homework are you getting? Can you show me how you did on it? What's going on with the other students in the class? Who do you spend time with? What's the teacher like? Do you enjoy being in class with that teacher? In effect, the questions should be designed to elicit not only how the boy is doing scholastically, but also how things are going for him emotionally. Second, the mentor should offer to help him, in those classes and subject matters where the boy is doing less well. Helping him may mean tackling areas where the boy actually needs to be coached. But it may also mean finding out who his teacher is, contacting that teacher, and making sure that he or she is aware of the boy's needs and working to address them creatively. By knowing he's got someone who cares about his social and academic progress, the boy will feel greater confidence in all his interactions and activities at school. Especially for boys who at home may not be getting the kind of intimate caring attention they ideally should be, having a mentor who is empathic to them and "watching out' for their emotional and academic needs is of immense value and can make a hugely positive impact an these boys' achievements at school. Provide safe guy spaces. Pg.269
I firmly believe that the positive benefits to boys dim when sports cease to be play. Play is at the heart of healthy, integrated development. Sheer competition among boys rarely builds character and does little to bring boys closer to one another. But sports, when they are play, can be a tremendously good thing for boys. It is a sensation not of winning, but of fully playing. When sports are kept in proper perspective when we see sports primarily as a chance for boys to come together for joyful, spirited, high-energy play they can help boys discover new competencies, buttress their feelings of self-worth, and reunite them with their authentic voices, enabling them to express the deepest stirrings of emotion in their hearts, widening their circle of connections. Pg.273
Some of the classic symptoms of depression in women include becoming weepy, openly expressing hope-lessness, helplessness, and despair, showing dependence on others or seeking out and then rejecting_-help from others. Pg. 319
It's important to remember that anger or being mad is one of the main ways boys indirectly express feelings like grief, disappointment, and hopelessness. But when a boy becomes persistently angry or grouchy, he may be depressed. Pg.323
Chapter 12 was very helpful for me! Pages 322-327 are very informative about depression in boys and the symptoms to look for.
The question is not whether we live in a society awash with violent images. We do. The question is, what effect does exposure to all that violence have on boys? Pg.358
We must let them know that power need not mean power over another person; it can mean power with other people. To do that, we must begin by acknowledging the pain they have experienced themselves, allowing them to speak their feelings, and ridding them of the seeds of shame that too often grow into the thorns of violence. Pg.363
divorce is so traumatic and painful, it is actually more difficult for a boy to deal with than a parent's death. A death, even a tragic and unexpected one, is more clear-cut than a divorce. The boy will long for the parent and miss him/her, but the parent is gone; there is no possibility of his/her return. Sons of a divorced couple, by contrast, may harbor hopes that their parents will reunite, and may work very hard for years, in some cases to bring about a reconciliation, when none is possible. Societal attitudes also contribute to the relative negative consequences of divorce. Society shares grief over the death of a parent and may even make an exception to the Boy Code by allowing a boy to cry and express feelings of sadness and loss. Society, in my opinion, is far less accepting of divorce despite its prevalence-and is even less likely to accommodate a boy's feelings about it. The divorced family is often viewed as an unsuccessful one, and seems to pose a threat to intact families, especially those that may be having problems of their own. Other parents aren't sure of what to say to divorcing parents, whom to take sides with, or how to relate to the children involved. Often the result is that neighbors and friends say very little. They don't deliver hot cooked meals, as they might after a death. They don't go out of their way to call on the divorcing family, as they would attend a grieving family. And so a boy may feel yet another disconnection- this time from his community. For many boys, the only way to handle the seething emotions involved in divorce is to express them through action, as they do in many other contexts, they will commit a thousand acts that look like those of a "bad kid" but are actually the cries of a boy in pain. Or, He may withdraw, stop talking, retreat to his room, lie for hours on the couch, shoot a thousand paper wads into his wastebasket, wander around the house, watch excessive amounts of television, put on his headphones and listen to music all day long, stand by the window and stare into space. These actions or a boy's failure to act can indeed be read like a barometer of a boy's feelings. The more extreme his behavior, the greater his pain is likely to be. Pg370-371
A vast majority of boys of divorce are in the sole custody of their mother, with little or no contact with their father. With a lot of hard work and dedication, a mother can successfully raise a boy without a father in the picture, and even mentor a boy who has no significant male figure in this life. It can take time for a mother to understand and to adjust. Pg.371
In fact, there is plenty of evidence that demonstrates that a boy can sill be successful without a father and with no dominant male figure in his life. Single mothers often do a wonderful job of raising their sons without help from a man. Pg. 374
To misinterpret your son can be as damaging for your relationship as not to hear him at all. Pg.380
many have tried their best to make a go of the marriage. Many discover, despite genuine efforts to keep the marriage going, that they'lI truly thrive best on their own. Pg.387
assure your son, that although things cannot remain the same, the divorce is between (and for) the parents. Pg.387
Boys may become traumatized if emotionally they're pushed away from their closest loved ones before they’re truly ready. Parents cannot love their boys too much or somehow spoil them with too much caring or affection. in fact, boys with parents who remain emotionally connected to them do better in school, are more healthy psychologically. and, when they become adults, achieve greater success in their careers and relationships. Unless they are conditioned not to be, boys are eminently loving and caring human beings. Today’s real boy sincerely wants to help others. He's sensitive to what other people feel and he does not want to hurt them. He takes action not only because he knows that it's right or just, but because he feels genuine empathy. But as we've seen, if this empathy is to stay alive, a boy must feel that others will reciprocate. If we withhold our love and affection, our boy feels ashamed and then hardens himself. If we don't stay active in his emotional life and listen to his feelings well, he comes to believe that his emotions are not welcomed. In sum, if we don't give him our empathy, he won't give empathy to us. Real boys need people to be with who allow them to show all of their emotions, including their feelings of sadness, disappointment, and fear. Real boys need to hear that these feelings are normal, good, and "masculine." They need to know that there really isn't any feeling, activity, or behavior that is forbidden to them as boys (other than those that could end up seriously hurting them or somebody else). They need to be taught connection rather than disconnection. They need to be treated with caring and affection. They need to be convinced, that both their strengths and their vulnerabilities are good, that all sides of them will be celebrated, that we'll love them for being the boys they really are. Pg.398
gave-up-on
October 25, 2008I ended up giving up on this book, mostly because of time issues and it was due back at the library. I may check it out again sometime. It had some good ideas in it and a lot of things I kind of already knew or do anyway. I described it already a little in the comment section. I guess what I took from it was just to be more aware in general of my boys' emotional needs, to try to talk to them more about feelings. One thing mentioned was how even from babyhood when boys are sad or upset we try to smile or distract them or cheer them up. Apparently it's better to mirror their feelings back a little bit and talk about how they're feeling. Are they sad? frustrated? tired? lonely? etc. Otherwise we're not really teaching them how to deal with their feelings, but just to push them away. We don't do this as much with girls. I have been much more aware of that with Noah and when he is sad or grouchy I try to talk to him about what he is feeling and why and I try to be more sympathetic. Anyway, that's what stuck out from what I read and I'm sure there is a lot more worth reading, which I may get back to doing sometime in the future.
January 4, 2015
The forward to this book was written by Mary Pipher and the approach that Pollack too is not dissimilar that that Pipher used in 'Reviving Ophelia'. Oh but Pollack was not as concise as Pipher. I thin he could have made his points in 200 or so fewer pages because he became very repetitive. But I will also admit that reading it in :20 min spurts didn't make it flow any better - but the too when I read more solidly the past few days the last 175 pages was still a slog. The ideas underlying the words are very interesting and has given me a deeper understanding not only of little boys but men tool. The portion on the importance in supporting boys as they run up against the 'Boy Code' and feel the restraints of conforming should be required reading for parents and teachers, as should be 'Reviving Ophelia'. I'm giving my copy to my brother and his wife for all the times my 2 year old nephew tries their patience, and if the next is a girl I'll have to get them a copy of Pipher's book as well.
February 3, 2008
This is a sort of psychology textbook, along the lines of Reviving Ophelia by Mary Pipher, except for boys. There are sixteen chapters including the epilogue. The book discusses gender-straightjacketing, shaming a boy into wearing a hardened mask so that we don't know a real boy and what he is truly thinking. It discusses the various things boys need to develop emotionally in a proper way. It discusses how society often confuses boys, telling them to be sensitive and open up, yet at the same time remain strong and manly. The chapters go over several events that can cause a boy to be shamed into a hardened mask and hiding his true self: trauma of separation; action love; the power of mothers; fathers and sons; sexuality; friendships; school and sports; and so on. Despite often reading too much like a textbook at times -it can make a book boring- it gives good insights into how to treat boys and men.
August 31, 2012
As the father of two young sons, I was told that I should read this. I think the most memorable thing I take away from it is how times have changed in the 14 years since its initial publication. It assumes that the first day in kindergarten marks the initial separation from a mother and her son and is a traumatic event, whereas preschool is now so ubiquitous as to make this concern either obsolete, or at the least folded into much earlier trauma. It regards stay at home dads as a rare (albeit welcome) oddity. And it spends a lot of its energy trying to convince its readers that boys have feelings, too. Were things really this backward in the late 1990's? If so, I guess I gotta thank Pollack and Co for changing things. When Pollack dives into the weeds of educational policy or our attitudes towards sports, he remains compelling. His indictment of our female-centric grammar schools is pretty damning. But much of this now reads as platitude, a missive from an olden time.
June 14, 2012
I decided to read this because my son is having a hard time emotionally right now, and I wanted to better understand the pressures we put on boys in our culture. I really liked this book (other than it being a little repetitive and long winded)and ,it did a great job of putting voice to those niggling worries that there is something off in the way we as a culture treat our boys, and clearly lays out all the pressures boys feel to perform their boyness (he calls it the boy code) in very specific way, and the shame that is heaped upon any boys who does not strictly adhere to the boy code.
there are chapters for mothers, for fathers, about depression in boys and the different ways this can manifest, about growing up gay, and really good information on how to help our sons navigate this mine field. I'd recommend it to anyone who has a boy or loves one.
there are chapters for mothers, for fathers, about depression in boys and the different ways this can manifest, about growing up gay, and really good information on how to help our sons navigate this mine field. I'd recommend it to anyone who has a boy or loves one.
March 20, 2008
My ex-husbabnd and I decided to wait for birth to know the gender of our child. If I were to have given birth to a girl, I figured I would know how to raise an enlightened daughter. And when I gave birth to a son, I most definately knew I was not prepared.
This book brought up so many good points about the challenges facing boys growing up in the USA. I had no idea of the tests and travails that awaited me in trying to raise a son with a full emotion vocabulary, and the ability to express these feelings clearly. Reading this book was a good preparation for this task.
This book brought up so many good points about the challenges facing boys growing up in the USA. I had no idea of the tests and travails that awaited me in trying to raise a son with a full emotion vocabulary, and the ability to express these feelings clearly. Reading this book was a good preparation for this task.
July 5, 2008
I'm of two minds about this book. On the one hand, I agree with the author's contention that we need to stop making boys feel like they should never show any emotion. Having three boys myself, I do understand that emotionally, they are sometimes more sensitive than girls and they should be permitted to work through their feelings with the same freedom we give girls. On the other hand, I felt as if the author wanted us to treat boys *so* carefully that we were almost turning away from normal relationships to do it, standing on our heads and jumping through hoops to get it done.
November 25, 2015
I'm unlikely to read this whole thing but youneverknow. Right now I'm skipping around and browsing. The generic/cultural failings of my boy-to-man upbringing were doubled down on by the serious dysfunction and chaos of growing up with a father who was low-bottom alcoholic. At the age of 68 I can only look back(and not stare), tell it like it was and try to get better one day at a time.
I've decided that I'm not going back to finish this. There's too much of it and I've got other literary fish to fry, as it were.
I've decided that I'm not going back to finish this. There's too much of it and I've got other literary fish to fry, as it were.
January 12, 2010
This is a thoughtful book, and I do think it's a wonderful thing that Dr. Pollack is doing in recommending we look at the gender straight-jacketing that boys are suffering. Clearly, we are failing our boys when you look at the statistics. However, it was just a big too wordy and he made the same points over and over. It would have had just as much impact and been more entertaining if it had been more thoroghly edited.
June 13, 2012
I re-read this for my first year of college. Boy did it help. It helped me earn my A+ in all three of my Early Childhood Education classes. She even sent me an email asking if I would give her my copy to borrow so she could read it. Along with that email she said I wrote the best Final Essay out of 78 Students. Over half of them were already ECE professionals just taking the class for continued education requirements.
May 18, 2013
Thoughtful but tends just slightly toward too touchy-feely and too much toward the exceptional cases. About half of the content would relate to the average boy in a two-parent family. It's worth reading once if you parent boys. There are some good points about the inequality in the treatment of boys vs. girls -- girls receive a disproportionate share of the attention and much more leniency in certain matters.
September 26, 2018
Parts I liked:
P. 39 ~ "I feel as though my only anchor in life is gone" (man describing the loss of his mother).
P. 83 ~ "I don't think I'd be much without her" (Boy talking about his mother).
P. 102 ~ "timed silence syndrome" ~ "A boys first reaction is to retreat and be alone to nurse his hurt".
P. 108-109 ~ "Teach your son about masculinity by talking about the men you love and why you love them" ... "discussing the qualities you admire in these men" ...
"(Don't say) what you don't like about the men around you".
P. 110-111 ~ "he may simply ask you "what time are we having dinner? " ... let him know. .. you'd be happy to spend time with him"
P. 114-115 ~ "(fathers) help the infants to learn how to tolerate a wide range of people and social situations" ...
"when fathers take the time... at adolescence these children often need less guidance from adults when handling difficult feelings and are more capable of handling emotionally intense situations" ... "a boy learns to 'listen' to his own inner emotional states".
P. 130 ~ "men with MBAs who work just two fewer hours per week to help share in child rearing duties get raises that are 20% lower than men who sacrifice their sons for work".
"Fathers who did not have custody of their children a majority began to lose touch with their sons within 3 years after moving out of the home, sometimes abandoning them completely"
P. 132-133 ~ "primary caregiver dads used play as a way to teach valuable moral lessons, ideas about respect, & rules about handling emotion and dealing with loss"
~ "mom says 'how do you think that makes me feel?' " ... "think about how he would affect her world if he continued to misbehave"
~ "(father focused on) here and now consequences of the boys behavior would be for others" ... "dad tells me to stop bc it looks like I don't love my brother or care about my mother's feelings".
"Boys and girls talk about stuff in different ways"
"Boys with fathers as the primary parents... more calm, flexible, & empathetic "
☆ "being a... (father) has helped me get away from self-centeredness. My sense of identity feels complete now".
"I feel like something empty inside has now been filled with my son" (father talking about being a parent)
P.136 ~ "Maybe that's why I take so many photos, bc I don't even have any pictures of him with the family".
"ANNUAL FATHER SON FATHER'S DAY MARCH IN ROXBURY, MASSACHUSETTS"
☆ "I want to assume my duties as a father but cannot be with my son. I think I should help other people's kids as much as I can bc somebody may be helping mine". (Divorced african American man who became estranged from wife and lost contact with his son ~ why he takes part in the march )
P.137 ☆~ "Take time at least once each day to spend a few moments with your son to let him know you love him and that you care about him. If you can't do it in person, do it by phone".
P. 138 ~ "if (he'd only) say he's sorry and tell me he loves me. I could forgive him for everything".
☆"If you are temporarily separated from your son, try as best you can to negotiate a new relationship with him and to work as hard as possible to maintain it".
P.139-140 ~ "important for a father to encourage his sons to stay close to their mother" ... "respects the love the mother gives"... "does not shame his boy for taking in that love" ... "helps teach his son the general importance of male respect for girls and women".
"Value your sons for who they are rather than for what they do".
P. 141-144~ "do something-just about anything positive- with your son" ... "it's not so much about the activity that counts as your being by your son's side".
"4 basic categories of fathers were identified: caretakers, playmate-teachers, disciplinarians, & disengaged fathers. ... only the caretaker and playmate-teacher dads had a positive effect on their sons".
"Teach lessons by showing them rather than by just telling them".
"Share the full range of your own feelings and experiences with your boy".
"No other Odysseus than I will ever come back to you. But here I am, & I am as you see me, & after much hardships and suffering have I come".
P. 153 ~ "egalitarian, gentile, sensitive man who waits" ... "didn't know how he truly felt"
P. 195 ~ "why is action empathy any less deep and meaningful than the verbally intimate moments shared among girls and young women? "
P. 197 ~ "boys with healthy friendships are actually less likely to engage in risky behaviors and more likely to do well in school".
P. 198 ~ "boys and men have had to learn to walk a fine line: to have intimacy without sentimentality, closeness without long conversations, empathy without words"
P. 236 ~ "boys have a significant problem with their self esteem as students"
"When girls don't feel confident about themselves at school, their unique voices become suppressed and they begin to suffer emotionally and academically".
"Boys ... have a tendency to answer such questions in the way they think they are 'supposed to'".
P. 237 ~ "tendency of boys to brag and overstate their strengths"
"All students... measure of self esteem lowers as kids move into mid adolescence, from 6th to 8th grade".
"African American males had 'generally lower' scores in self esteem than african American females... more an issue of gender than it is of race"
"Boys... are simply using bragging as 'a shield to hide a del swayed lack of confidence'."
P. 39 ~ "I feel as though my only anchor in life is gone" (man describing the loss of his mother).
P. 83 ~ "I don't think I'd be much without her" (Boy talking about his mother).
P. 102 ~ "timed silence syndrome" ~ "A boys first reaction is to retreat and be alone to nurse his hurt".
P. 108-109 ~ "Teach your son about masculinity by talking about the men you love and why you love them" ... "discussing the qualities you admire in these men" ...
"(Don't say) what you don't like about the men around you".
P. 110-111 ~ "he may simply ask you "what time are we having dinner? " ... let him know. .. you'd be happy to spend time with him"
P. 114-115 ~ "(fathers) help the infants to learn how to tolerate a wide range of people and social situations" ...
"when fathers take the time... at adolescence these children often need less guidance from adults when handling difficult feelings and are more capable of handling emotionally intense situations" ... "a boy learns to 'listen' to his own inner emotional states".
P. 130 ~ "men with MBAs who work just two fewer hours per week to help share in child rearing duties get raises that are 20% lower than men who sacrifice their sons for work".
"Fathers who did not have custody of their children a majority began to lose touch with their sons within 3 years after moving out of the home, sometimes abandoning them completely"
P. 132-133 ~ "primary caregiver dads used play as a way to teach valuable moral lessons, ideas about respect, & rules about handling emotion and dealing with loss"
~ "mom says 'how do you think that makes me feel?' " ... "think about how he would affect her world if he continued to misbehave"
~ "(father focused on) here and now consequences of the boys behavior would be for others" ... "dad tells me to stop bc it looks like I don't love my brother or care about my mother's feelings".
"Boys and girls talk about stuff in different ways"
"Boys with fathers as the primary parents... more calm, flexible, & empathetic "
☆ "being a... (father) has helped me get away from self-centeredness. My sense of identity feels complete now".
"I feel like something empty inside has now been filled with my son" (father talking about being a parent)
P.136 ~ "Maybe that's why I take so many photos, bc I don't even have any pictures of him with the family".
"ANNUAL FATHER SON FATHER'S DAY MARCH IN ROXBURY, MASSACHUSETTS"
☆ "I want to assume my duties as a father but cannot be with my son. I think I should help other people's kids as much as I can bc somebody may be helping mine". (Divorced african American man who became estranged from wife and lost contact with his son ~ why he takes part in the march )
P.137 ☆~ "Take time at least once each day to spend a few moments with your son to let him know you love him and that you care about him. If you can't do it in person, do it by phone".
P. 138 ~ "if (he'd only) say he's sorry and tell me he loves me. I could forgive him for everything".
☆"If you are temporarily separated from your son, try as best you can to negotiate a new relationship with him and to work as hard as possible to maintain it".
P.139-140 ~ "important for a father to encourage his sons to stay close to their mother" ... "respects the love the mother gives"... "does not shame his boy for taking in that love" ... "helps teach his son the general importance of male respect for girls and women".
"Value your sons for who they are rather than for what they do".
P. 141-144~ "do something-just about anything positive- with your son" ... "it's not so much about the activity that counts as your being by your son's side".
"4 basic categories of fathers were identified: caretakers, playmate-teachers, disciplinarians, & disengaged fathers. ... only the caretaker and playmate-teacher dads had a positive effect on their sons".
"Teach lessons by showing them rather than by just telling them".
"Share the full range of your own feelings and experiences with your boy".
"No other Odysseus than I will ever come back to you. But here I am, & I am as you see me, & after much hardships and suffering have I come".
P. 153 ~ "egalitarian, gentile, sensitive man who waits" ... "didn't know how he truly felt"
P. 195 ~ "why is action empathy any less deep and meaningful than the verbally intimate moments shared among girls and young women? "
P. 197 ~ "boys with healthy friendships are actually less likely to engage in risky behaviors and more likely to do well in school".
P. 198 ~ "boys and men have had to learn to walk a fine line: to have intimacy without sentimentality, closeness without long conversations, empathy without words"
P. 236 ~ "boys have a significant problem with their self esteem as students"
"When girls don't feel confident about themselves at school, their unique voices become suppressed and they begin to suffer emotionally and academically".
"Boys ... have a tendency to answer such questions in the way they think they are 'supposed to'".
P. 237 ~ "tendency of boys to brag and overstate their strengths"
"All students... measure of self esteem lowers as kids move into mid adolescence, from 6th to 8th grade".
"African American males had 'generally lower' scores in self esteem than african American females... more an issue of gender than it is of race"
"Boys... are simply using bragging as 'a shield to hide a del swayed lack of confidence'."
March 2, 2008
I am still in the process of reading. most of the books i read about are the struggle of women and their relationship with men. but, in teaching little boys and watching them strggle to communicate or embarrassed to express themselves, i became curious as to what we are teaching our youth and young men. i know society has certainly done a number on young women.....but what about the boys???
August 11, 2008
For so long, Doctors have examined the interworkings and complexitites of women in an attempt to describe their behaviors within society. While such documentation has proven to be indightful, "Real Boys" takes a rare (and rather in-depth) inventory into the innate social, phisiological and behavioral dispositions of young men. Very interesting and entirely relevant.
March 15, 2015
I really liked what he had to say about adolescent boys emotions and ways to reach out to them, for both parents and teachers. I think every parent of a son should read this. However, the book was longer than it needed to be, and he overstated his point and stories way too much. Maybe there's an abridged version?
June 25, 2008
I learned a lot about boys, which is good since I have two. Another must for parents, educators and those interested by being male or having to deal with those who are.
August 12, 2009
There's so much to this book about dispelling the boy myths. Great information...if only I could get through it.
December 14, 2008
A must read for all Mothers of pre-pubescent boys.....
August 9, 2020
A strong candidate for 2.5 stars. Published in 1998, when I myself was a small boy, this book is now *very* dated. It spends a lot of time deconstructing gender stereotypes, but in places seems very stereotyped to today's reader. I'm sure that a book written today would have at least something to say about trans children, and probably would have integrated gay boys more completely into the main volume (instead, they are weirdly isolated in their own chapter). It probably also would have given more attention to a wider range of parents. Pollack writes deliberately about boys who grow up with a mother and father, those who grow up with divorced parents who share custody, and those who grow up with a single father or single mother as a result of death or divorce. He does not discuss those who grow up with two mothers or two fathers, and only briefly alludes to the epidemic of boys who grow up with one parent (usually the father) in prison. The language can also be hilariously dated: Pollack must be the last person to unironically use the phrase "sensitive 'new man'."
So some things have definitely changed. One thing that sadly has not changed all that much is the extent to which men and boys are held in what Pollack calls the "gender straitjacket" and shamed for failing to fulfill certain roles that are coded as masculine. Two of the toxic myths of boyhood Pollack identifies are also still sadly going strong: "boys will be boys" (when used to excuse or even predict violence, lack of interest in school, or various other less than adaptive behaviors) and "boys should be boys" (used to shame boys of any age who rebel against the "gender straitjacket"). The less catchy but more accurate and ethical reality is that we must raise children of all genders to become well-adjusted human beings.
Another useful element that's only grown more relevant since 1998 is Pollack's argument that it's not enough to denounce toxic manifestations of masculinity. Indeed, done alone, this will often be counterproductive, as it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy for boys and young men who come to see themselves as toxic. Instead, adults must model and encourage diverse and positive masculinities, and ones which are not defined in opposition to femininity. Pollack implies (but stops short of saying outright) that there are no "masculine" and "feminine" virtues, but instead virtuous and well-adaptive behaviors that have been coded as one or the other. This coding becomes deeply harmful when children learn that boys are strong and honorable and girls are gentle and caring — when a functioning and moral person of any gender must be all of these things.
One interesting thing to note from 2020. We now spend a lot of time worrying that children aren't encouraged or allowed to develop their independence. In the 1990s (and in the 70s and 80s, when some of the research was done) there was instead a concern that children, and boys especially, were forced into an unnatural early independence. Both can actually be true — childhood and adolescence are about developing an independent sense of self. This development needs to be nurtured and allowed to grow over time, not stifled (as by "helicopter parenting") or forced at an unnatural rate (which engenders the sense of abandonment that Pollack saw in a lot of boys).
So some things have definitely changed. One thing that sadly has not changed all that much is the extent to which men and boys are held in what Pollack calls the "gender straitjacket" and shamed for failing to fulfill certain roles that are coded as masculine. Two of the toxic myths of boyhood Pollack identifies are also still sadly going strong: "boys will be boys" (when used to excuse or even predict violence, lack of interest in school, or various other less than adaptive behaviors) and "boys should be boys" (used to shame boys of any age who rebel against the "gender straitjacket"). The less catchy but more accurate and ethical reality is that we must raise children of all genders to become well-adjusted human beings.
Another useful element that's only grown more relevant since 1998 is Pollack's argument that it's not enough to denounce toxic manifestations of masculinity. Indeed, done alone, this will often be counterproductive, as it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy for boys and young men who come to see themselves as toxic. Instead, adults must model and encourage diverse and positive masculinities, and ones which are not defined in opposition to femininity. Pollack implies (but stops short of saying outright) that there are no "masculine" and "feminine" virtues, but instead virtuous and well-adaptive behaviors that have been coded as one or the other. This coding becomes deeply harmful when children learn that boys are strong and honorable and girls are gentle and caring — when a functioning and moral person of any gender must be all of these things.
One interesting thing to note from 2020. We now spend a lot of time worrying that children aren't encouraged or allowed to develop their independence. In the 1990s (and in the 70s and 80s, when some of the research was done) there was instead a concern that children, and boys especially, were forced into an unnatural early independence. Both can actually be true — childhood and adolescence are about developing an independent sense of self. This development needs to be nurtured and allowed to grow over time, not stifled (as by "helicopter parenting") or forced at an unnatural rate (which engenders the sense of abandonment that Pollack saw in a lot of boys).
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