Negotiating the Nonnegotiable: How to Resolve Your Most Emotionally Charged Conflicts

by Daniel Shapiro

** Grand Prize Winner of the 2017 Nautilus Book Award **

Are you struggling to deal with conflict in your life?  In Negotiating the Nonnegotiable , Harvard negotiation expert Daniel Shapiro introduces a groundbreaking method to bridge the toughest divides—whether with family members, colleagues, or in the polarized world of politics. He reveals the hidden power of identity in fueling conflict, and presents a practical framework to reconcile even the most contentious situations.  Field-tested around the world, the results are empowering.

Genres: Nonfiction, Business, Psychology, Self Help, Communication, Personal Development, Leadership

336 pages, Hardcover

First published May 3, 2016

About the author

There is more than one author by this name in the Goodreads data base.

For the American poet, see Daniel Shapiro

Reviews

[Liz Mc2 · Rating 4 out of 5]

I skimmed a lot of this because Iike most advice/self-help books it felt padded to me. We need an industry for publishing 50-page pamphlets on this stuff. Also why do so many of the terms authors of these books coin feel like they should come with portentous capitals and a trademark symbol? However, some of the advice was really helpful in giving me perspective and some strategies for a personal issue so star rating is for that. (And there were substantial notes and bibliography so it doesn’t seem like snake oil advice).

[Tony Kauffmann · Rating 3 out of 5]

I got 70% of the way through then stopped, I got the gist. It got rather repetitive I think, but there's good content nonetheless. It all comes down to empathy, every chapter was just a different iteration of empathize with their identity, their nationality, culture, ethnicity, religion, values, etc. I really liked his approach to your own emotions though as a barometer for what your values are that you didn't realize before. Just like hunger can signal that you are deprived of food, your emotions can signal that you lack something in the relationship or conversation that you didn't think you wanted or needed. Thus conflict can become a vehicle for self-discovery.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

must read for all people. except sociopaths. if you're a sociopath, this book is awful, and is a waste of your time.

i feel like everyone else will gain something wonderful from reading this. you don't need to be a negotiator, you don't need to be in the middle of some terrible conflict. this can help you all the time, in almost any kind of interaction.

[Rosa Ventura · Rating 2 out of 5]

i read this book right after finishing his other book that he co-authored with Roger Fisher, "beyond Reason". In comparing negotiating the non-negotiable to that first book, which is basically on the same topic, left me thinking that this was some sort of re-write. I may be being a little unfair in summarizing it this way but there is no doubt in my mind the first book is very much superior to this book and should absolutely be read by anyone and everyone who deals in difficult issues regarding interactions with others. I rated this book as "OK" as it does have some original insights that would be useful particularly if you have not read up on this topic.

[Lisa Gray · Rating 3 out of 5]

This wasn't my favorite of the negotiation books I've read. I much preferred Never Split the Difference. This was all about Identity issues, which I've no doubt are part of the problem in negotiations, just not what I'm particularly interested in at the moment. If it ever comes up as more of a problem for me, I know what book to turn to!

[Doradea · Rating 4 out of 5]

Das erste Drittel hat mir noch nicht so viel gegeben, aber aus dem Rest konnte ich einige Infos ziehen.
Wie so oft bei diesen auf nur ein Thema spezialisierten Büchern wünsche ich mir zumindest teilweise einen Blick über den Tellerrand, hier z. B. Einordnungen, welche Motivationen es außerhalb der Identitätssicherung geben kann.

[Nick · Rating 4 out of 5]

A brilliant dissection of negotiation, especially tough negotiation. I am thoroughly persuaded that, if I had a difficult negotiation, I would want Mr. Shapiro helping. Only two problems with this book: too much information, and too many acronyms. By the end, I was desperate for acronym relief. None came. JMO = just more acronyms.

[Dr. Tobias Christian Fischer · Rating 5 out of 5]

Entspannte Räume bei wichtigen Entscheidungen.
Von Zwängen befreien. Das hilft zu vertrauen.

Dagegen steht: die Gewohnheit. Luststreben führt zu gleichem Verhalten. Ein erster Schritt: seine Muster erkennen. So wird eine Gewohnheitskette durchbrochen.

[Duncan · Rating 1 out of 5]

I wanted to like this book, but ended up hating it. Here's why:

I teach negotiations at the graduate level, and expected a book from the director of Harvard's International Negotiation Program to be soundly evidence-based and within the traditions of other great Harvard negotiation or social psychology scholars (e.g. Bazerman, etc.). I was greatly disappointed.

Shapiro does have tidbits of potentially valuable (or at least quasi-scientifically validated) concepts and tools, but they are immersed in so much gobbledegook and wishful thinking that its hard to disentangle them. Below is a list of my major complaints:

1-Pseudo-scientific basis - While Shapiro does cite some legitimate social psychology sources, he also builds entire theoretical edifices on non-scientific hogwash (e.g. Freud & Jung). I have a negative bias towards most kinds of talk (or psycho-analytical) therapy, except CBT, which is the only one with robust evidence to support its effectiveness. Yet some of Shapiro's fundamental assumptions for the entire book trace their roots to psychoanalytic thinking. For example, he casually asserts that emotional pain is really about some ancient trauma (being abandoned as a kid for example) and can only be addressed by talking it out and recognizing that being mad at your spouse is really about feeling abandoned by your father. So to "negotiate" current issues with a political opponent, one has to dig deep into the everyone's childhood traumas!

2- Identity is everything - Related to the point above, Shapiro bases his entire argument on the power and immutability of identities. Again, I dislike most of the literature on identity; it is the least scientific of all the psychology fields -- you can find evidence for whatever your take on identities happens to be. Shapiro's take (which he does not sufficiently back up with citations) is that identities (or tribal affiliation) is absolutely core to who we are, does not change, and that most conflict is about threats to our identity. The use of this theoretical framework drives all his suggestions for defusing/resolving conflict. It's always about understanding (and in the process reaffirming) your identity, understanding the other's identity, and then looking for ways to get both identities to coexist. I believe that this emphasis on identity actually increases conflict. Humans are very plastic and driven primarily by context (not deep-rooted immovable identities). All this discussion and airing of identities actually recreates the context that drives the conflict. He demonstrates this himself with his opening anecdote of artificially creating conflicting identities (the martian exercise). Anyone who teaches organizational behavior knows that you can very easily create "identities" (in-group out-group dynamics) and generate conflict between groups. I disagree with the premise that negotiation is about resolving issues between identities; in fact, you can try to resolve conflict by changing the context and minimizing the salience of factors that trigger certain conflicting "identities". I find Robert Chambers' books (e.g. "Whose Reality Counts") much, much more useful in this regard.

3-Religiosity/humanism - Ever so subtly, Shapiro infuses the book with his own quasi-religious/humanist perspective. If I had to guess, I'd say he is a practicing Jew, and if so, I wonder if he was considered a neutral party every time he was involved in mediating Palestinian/Israeli conflicts. I don't like at all his continual use of religious/spiritual imagery in his theories. He bandies about terms such as: "transcendent connections", "sacred issues", "hallowed kinship", "theological immortality","sacrilege", "fundamentalis vs annatist", "hermeneutics", etc.
Related to this, he loves to bring philosophers into the mix, quoting Aristoteles, Kant, etc. and even developing entire processes around philosophical pablum (e.g. managing dialectics and uncovering the mythos of identity).

4- Confused level of analysis - Shapiro bounces all the time between the individual and collective levels of analysis without acknowledging what this might mean for the validity of his theories. In one paragraph he is talking about how someone needs to understand that the driving force behind the cheating that led to her divorce is the feeling of abandonment she had as a child when her father left, and in the next paragraph is applying the same concept to Palestinian-Arab relations or the "Troubles" in Northern Ireland. This is scientific malpractice.

5- Banal examples- Shapiro loves to use examples to illustrate his ideas and peppers them liberally throughout the book. The problem is that most of the examples don't illustrate or reinforce what is unique about his tools/frameworks. Almost all the examples could be used as they are to argue the opposite of his take on what is happening.

6-Too many tools/frameworks - "The five pillars of identity", "The five lures of the tribal mind", "the relational matrix", "anatomy of repetition compulsion", "TCI method", "ACT system", "ECNI method" "Integrative dynamics" "creative introspection", "illustrative archetypes", "BAG", "REACH framework", "SAS system". These are some of the tools and frameworks that constitute Shapiro's overall method for negotiating the nonnegotiable. It's almost needless to say that no one besides himself will ever master or even use all of these in the way he thinks we should.

7- Ineffectiveness of the method - Lastly, at no point in the book does Shapiro provide any strong evidence that his "method" actually works. The one lasting conflict resolution he talks about is the "Good Friday" agreements that reduced violence in Northern Ireland. Are we to believe that this agreement was reached because of him and his methods? If so, I'd like to see evidence of this. All the other examples he uses (mostly the Palestinian/Israeli conflict) illustrate the opposite! The conflict has not been resolved! It feels to me that elements of his "method" are great for conducting workshops and maybe getting their participants to have a meaningful shared experience, but there's scant evidence that there are any long-lasting positive, measurable outcomes. Most of his examples end with something along the lines of "and good ideas were generated".

[cab · Rating 2 out of 5]

“when the planet’s very survival is at stake, concerns over exclusion should not be such a significant matter”

*long sigh* Trawling the minefield of self-improvement books once again. Shapiro’s credentials (no relation to Ben Shapiro, although he did write a book on anti-welfare) are that he hosts workshops for world leaders and corporate heads (two groups famously known for being extremely in touch with on-the-ground stuff, and for being consultative and making bottom-up decisions). If you belong to those two groups, this is the book for you.

Has some insights on vertigo and the repetition compulsion, but otherwise just a bore of top-down nonsense.

If anyone has a good conflict resolution and de-escalation book, please recommend it to me. I’m still trying to chase the high of reading Sarah Schulman’s Conflict is not Abuse and Dean Spade’s Mutual Aid.

[کافه ادبیات · Rating 3 out of 5]

کتاب مذاکره غیر ممکن ها به راه‌های رسیدن به مصالحه و آشتی در بحث‌ها و جدل می‌پردازد. بیشتر ما در طول زندگی‌مان درگیر بحث و جدل‌هایی می‌شویم که گاه به خاطر سوء برداشت و عدم درک درست دیگران، یک گفت و گوی ساده را تبدیل به جنجالی حل‌ناشدنی می‌کنیم.

[Ian · Rating 4 out of 5]

Consistently practical and clear. Good to consult as a reference whenever negotiations need doing.

[Lennert Zonneveld · Rating 4 out of 5]

Zo'n boek waarvoor ik eigenlijk niet slim genoeg ben om 't toe te passen, maar we doen ons best

[Luigi Benetton · Rating 5 out of 5]

Much of this book can be summed up as “walk a mile in the other person’s shoes” and “look carefully in the mirror” - and goes into many ways to do both

[Roberto Fernando Fernando Salmon · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must read book. Everyone should read this book to know how and what happens to us in an argument/conflict.

[Holly Beadle · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great read with lots of wisdom & insight. Highly recommend.

[Leonard Nakamura · Rating 5 out of 5]

Every one of us experiences deep conflicts with those important to us. These conflicts can ruin us or save us. Yet we often feel helpless to surmount these conflicts -- they seem Immoveable. Negotiating the Nonnegotiable provides lessons and ideas on how to revise your attitudes toward these conflicts and negotiate reconciliation. This book can change tour life. It is changing mine.

[Lary Be · Rating 5 out of 5]

Überraschend lehrreich

[Inés]

I have just finished reading this fascinating book by the most brilliant Daniel Shapiro.
Why does identity matter when we resolve conflicts?
Are Identity Politics dangerous?
Do we negotiate over identities ?
Is identity fixed or fluid ? Or a mix of both ?
What does shape an identity or a tribe ?
Are there so called : Identity-based conflicts?
How do we find common ground in the sacred?
Dan refrains from using the label “Identity-based conflicts” for two reasons:
1- Every conflict implicates your identity to a greater or a lesser degree. The emotional charge of a conflict derived from your frustrated needs, your frustrated values, your frustrated beliefs. Your identity defines what you consider Meaningful and calibrates the intensity of your emotional response, so it makes little sense to designate only some conflicts as identity-based.
2- Identity is never the sole basis of conflict . To label a conflict identity-based is to presume the blanket superiority of identity and to discount other potential roots, ranging from neurobiological proclivities to macroeconomic forces, sociological structures to political motivations .
One of the quotes I really liked is:
" Negotiating with people who hold fundamentalist beliefs is hard for a negotiator, but it is also difficult for the fundamentalist. Ironically, their ideological fixation limits their autonomy to negotiate with you. Their rigid identity boxes them in, making it imperative to tailor your words to their sphere".
And lastly and perhaps most importantly is :
Be aware of the Tribes Effect! Because we are living in a tribal world.

[Vanessa Rogers · Rating 4 out of 5]

I became interested in the subject of conflict resolution after some of my residency communications sessions. I read Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High on recommendation from one of our faculty members, and that book led me to this one.

This book offers strategies that are separate from, but complimentary to those in Crucial Conversations. There may be less verbatim phrases or strategies to try in this book, but the concepts are extremely recognizable in every day life. I was listening while I was driving, and found myself sheepishly smiling during the early examples as I heard some of my own unhelpful habits being described.

I enjoyed that this book was not specific to work or relationships, but that it was generally applicable. There are certainly some ideas that I will be taking forward for my personal life, and others that I think will be helpful in my professional realm. I feel like I'll be coming back to this book and making a little set of reminders of Shapiro's main points.

I'd recommend this to anyone who is likely to find themselves as either a participant or a mediator in conflict situations.

**Addendum: The ebook on overdrive has free DLC "cheat sheets" so that's super handy!

[Harry Harman]

Serbs, Bosnian Muslims, and Croats

She had said little throughout our workshop, so I was surprised when, during a pause in the chatter, she suddenly spoke.

You cannot resolve such conflicts unless you address them at the root. beneath even emotions, to the heart of who you are: your identity.

Whether you are in conflict with someone you love or someone you hate, an inner urge to resist cooperation can get in the way of resolution.

Finally, you cannot simply adopt the other side’s beliefs as yours. In a heated conflict, your identity is on the line, but it is not a commodity you can trade away; what you believe is what you believe.

I also founded and direct the Harvard International Negotiation Program

The conflict had never been immutable, even if it had felt that way.

Some aspects of her identity change—while others remain the same. Her identity is both fluid and fixed.

When your identity is threatened, you hunker down in self-defense and conceive of it as a single, immutable whole. I call this the fixed-identity fallacy

A threat to identity can elicit the Tribes Effect, an adversarial mindset that pits your identity against that of the other side: It is me versus you, us versus them.

[Ko Matsuo · Rating 4 out of 5]

An eye opening book about what Shapiro calls the Tribes Effect. once we identify with a certain group our identity becomes so intertwined with the belief of the group that we lose the ability to negotiate.

The fascinating thing is that the Tribes Effect has been shown in situations where smart people are broken into groups and are given a finite amount of time to work together and solve a problem. At stake is stopping the world from blowing up. Time and time again people get so caught up in their group that they would rather sacrifice the earth than come to an agreeable compromise.

Per Shapiro you can identify yourself as being influenced by the tribes effect if you are adversarial, self-righteous, or closed to new ideas.

Its a fantastic point but only takes 3 chapters to make. The rest of the book unfortunately is fillers repeating the same point with weak supporting examples.

5+ stars for the first 3 chapters. 2 stars for the rest of the book.

[Bob Bixby · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you never have been in an emotionally charged conflict you don't need this book. If you're normal and work in an environment where emotionally charged conflicts are likely then this book is an absolute must-read. As I read through this book I could not help but look back at several major conflicts I have experienced and wished that the simple strategies and principles that are articulated here so well would have been a part of my repertoire. I think Christians, particularly, are too quick to accept unacceptable resolutions because of our simplistic applications of "biblical principles" to our conflicts. These do not contradict the principles of the Gospel; they can be extra potent as tools for "ministers of reconciliation" who believe and love the Christian gospel. A must-read for pastors.

[Samantha Dobbins · Rating 2 out of 5]

I had to read this for a class. Initially I was intrigued with the book. The author takes typical scenarios exhibited in an argument and puts his own terms to them. About a quarter through the way through the book I realized that the concepts discussed were incredibly rudimentary and the author padded page upon page with so much useless fluff. The concepts discussed are interesting enough, and I would recommend this for an arguing couple early in their relationship (or perhaps an incredibly hard headed individual). The author takes multiple chapters to discuss how we can easily lose track of time and rational feelings in the heat of an argument. Which........yeah? The embellished vocabulary leads you to believe that the author is saying something compelling when it is actually the most basic concept.

[Kadir Korkmaz · Rating 5 out of 5]

I believe it is an important book for everyone because we are living in a society, and we are experiencing conflicts all the time. This book might help us to understand our main motivations during a conflict situation: therefore, it might help us to grasp the main motivation of our opponents in a conflict. We are human so are our opponents also. Knowing our inner workings helps us to forecast our behaviors.

A long time ago I read a book by Amin Maluf which is "Deadly Identities". I do not remember much about the book (I should reread it) but I remember one thing: people try to defend the most endangered part of their identities, and this part might change according to time.

We are having conflicts because we think that our opponents are attacking part of our identity which defines us, which is our raison d'etre.

You should read it.

[Ligia Bonetti · Rating 4 out of 5]

It is a very optimistic and realistic book. It conveys personal, political and social dilemas, conflicts and ideals which are discussed daily and are part of everyone’s life. Remembering something as simple as the fact that emotions are the number one driver for conflicts and of separation amongst humankind is the authors main point. To identify who we are, what we want and how we can harmonize it with others is the key to avoiding “charged” emotions and controlling our inner feelings hence being able to negotiate and agree on many important issues without hurt or sacrifices. Looking thru the eyes of others and putting your own views aside, will be the first start or step toward being able to find solutions to situations avoiding “charged” conflicts. Good Read.

[Mike Morano · Rating 5 out of 5]

A wonderful dissection of difficult negotiation. Shapiro breaks resolution into 3 dimensions: Rationality, Emotion, and Identity. He covers the Tribes Effect and the Five Lures of the Tribal Mind: Vertigo, Repetition Compulsion, Taboos, Assaulting the Sacred, and Identity Politics. He explains how to counteract these with Integrative Dynamics: Uncovering the Mythos of Identity, Working Through Emotional Pain, Building Connections, and Reshaping Relationships. At the end he discusses Relational Dialects (Acceptance/Change, Redemption/Revenge, Autonomy/Affiliation) that define the space between a Tribal Mindset and a Communal Mindset, which is the ultimate solution to mastering tough negotiation. An absolutely amazing read and excellent resource.

[anne (taylor's version) · Rating 5 out of 5]

Comencé a leer este libro después de ver un breve resumen del autor en YouTube, y no me ha decepcionado.

De forma sencilla, directa, y sin ánimos de imponer nada a nadie, este libro decodifica las dinámicas (the five lures) más generales que seguimos a la hora de mantener una discusión, permitiendo identificarlas y actuar para cambiar.

La narración es amena, pero no deja de lado su contenido científico y psicólogo, acompañado de múltiples ejemplos reales que ha vivido Daniel Shapiro como mediador a lo largo de su vida.

Es un libro que te hace reflexionar, y te ayuda a poder autoanalizar y ganar consciencia sobre cómo gestionas esas conversaciones difíciles que, de una forma u otra, siempre están en nuestra vida.

[Cristian · Rating 5 out of 5]

Cuando compre el libro pensé que el tema central era ventas. Y de cierta forma lo es.
El profesor Shapiro postula de manera clara, precisa y articulable un texto que nos ayuda a enfrentar situaciones complejas donde hay mucho en juego. Desde negociaciones en el trabajo hasta conflictos familiares y otros a escala mundial. Sin importar el tamano, todos esconde mecanismos similares.
Realmente me gustan estos libros que incluyen resúmenes de cada capitulo, frameworks y conclusiones generales. He entiendo mucho mas sobre como abordar este tipo de situaciones y sacar partido al conflicto a fin de beneficiar a ambas partes.

[Jenelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

*Negotiating the Nonnegotiable* is an invaluable resource for conflict resolution professionals and anyone dealing with entrenched disagreements. Shapiro’s approach is both empathetic and pragmatic, offering a fresh perspective on how to resolve conflicts that feel deeply personal or impossible. By focusing on the emotional and identity-driven roots of disputes, Shapiro equips readers with the tools to transform the seemingly nonnegotiable into opportunities for connection and resolution. Highly recommended for those interested in positive conflict resolution, as it emphasizes not just winning arguments but healing divides and fostering genuine understanding.