Strap yourselves in ladies, gentlemen, and all in between: Mama Alex gonna rant about this poor excuse for a book. Review/rant to come.
Where do I start? Seriously, where do I start? Where do I begin with this MESS of a novel?
*Hyperventilates* We'll start at the "plot," if you can call it that.
One day, June discovers that her ex-BFF is dead, through the LAMEST and most EMOTIONLESS speech I have ever read in my life. Her principal is like: "Delia is very very dead. We are very very sad."
At this point, which is about two pages in, I realized something. The writing style SUCKS. I compared writing to eating peanut butter. Some styles are smooth and creamy, WHILE OTHERS TASTE LIKE YOU'RE CHEWING ON THE BONES OF THE FALLEN WITH THE HORRID CHUNKY PEANUT BUTTER OF DOOM! There were too many awkward pauses to count, and I'm like: "FIND ME THE NEAREST FIREPLACE TO HOP INTO!" I felt no emotion at any given moment in this book. NONE. ZILCH. ZIP. The writing was so empty, and was so...BAD...even I could do better than this.
"Our eyes meet. She is inside me, in my body, in my heart," (pg. 315)
Like, WHAT IS THIS CRAP?! If I gave you no context, you would think this is some kinky scene, but no, this is supposed to be an emotional moment. This was also the moment where I slammed my head against the book in pure rage.
So yada yada, June wants to find out who killed Delia, because she refuses to believe that the girl killed herself. But turns out LE GASP, she's actually NOT dead! SURPRISE! Then the plot goes down the crapper and all hope is lost. The end.
What? You wanted more?
Let me go over a quick, brief character breakdown.
June, our protagonist, the person who this story is being told by 90% of the time, IS A USELESS POTTED PLANT! She had no discernable personality, and could be replaced by a 9x13 cooking pan.
Delia, is a creepy, slightly controlling, sociopathic, girl. You will soon find out way.
Jeremiah, I swear...I honestly forgot about that this guy EXISTED halfway through the book. And when he DOES appear again, he accuses June HERSELF of murdering Delia. At that point, I was just so done and was like: "Jeremiah, I swear to god, GO AWAY." He contributed basically NOTHING to the plot, just like Krista and Tigger. And what was the point of him dying?! I could care less about him, but still, it added NOTHING to the story.
Sebastian, June's love interest was just ugh. At no point was I shipping the two. At no point did I care about his existence. At no point did I enjoy this book.
I'll just skip the rest, because they're all irrelevant. Let's face it: There was no characterization. There was no character to June or anyone, anyway.
I would love to point out this one thing on the book jacket's inner flap at the end of the synopsis.
"Sexy, dark, and atmospheric, Suicide Notes from Beautiful Girls will keep you guessing until the very last page."
*Raises hand* I have many questions.
One...DA F*** WAS SEXY ABOUT THIS?! NOTHING ABOUT THIS WAS SEXY! THE HALF-BAKED ROMANCES- no, those never even reached the oven...THE UNBAKED ROMANCES WERE NOT SEXY! That totally surprising kiss that Delia unleashed upon June was not sexy. That second-to-last page about young Delia wanting to pinch June's, and I quote, "little tiny raisin boobs," was NOT sexy, and that ENTIRE PAGE dedicated to Delia's: "She wasn't supposed to leave me," was not S-E-X-Y!
Two, I was not guessing until the last page, there was nothing to guess. There were two overarching plots (I use that term loosely) in this novel (I use that term loosely too) UNO: Find out who murdered Delia and DOS: ...er...get revenge on Delia's stepfather by MURDERING HIM.
Did I mention that they murdered a guy? No, well...they did. ...*pops confetti* QUALITY LITERATURE, EVERYONE! Yeah, I'm not kidding, they straight-up injected Delia's stepfather with a blood sugar lowering drug, and KILLED him. This disturbed me, but OH NO! It gets WORSE! You see, June, our flat, static, and stupid main character, brings up her concern for murdering a dude. This is the first wise decision that this girl had made throughout the entire book.
But then...*TAKES DEEP BREATH* I shall use a roleplay to explain.
June: WTF WE JUST KILLED A GUY!
Delia: He deserved it.
June: ALSO JEREMIAH IS DEAD!
Delia: We were protecting you!
June: Your stepfather didn't actually try to rape you, right?
Delia: ...
June: Hello?
Delia: ...
June: WHY DID YOU BRING ME THERE WITH YOU TO KILL HIM?!
*insert sad violin*
Delia: BECAUSE I NEEDED YOU THERE!
In the course of one line, everything turns all mushy and sad, because Delia tried to kill herself but the thought of June kept her alive- SCREW THAT, YOU ARE MURDERERS, STOP AVOIDING THE QUESTION! Then they both start crying and all sins are washed away in their ocean of tears. Cue a love confession, and that's the end of the present. Cue a flashback with Creepy Delia being a thirsty 5th grade or whatever.
And the last page made no sense. I can't decipher it. I won't even try. I was not on the edge of my seat, I was on the edge of suicide myself from torturing myself with this horrid thing.
Final point I'd like to bring up. Why is this titled: "Suicide Notes from Beautiful Girls?" If I recall, there was only one suicide note and one girl. I think that smoking match on the cover is me in all of my wrath after wasting my time with this.