Rule No. 5: No Sex on the Bus: Confessions of a tour leader

by Brian Thacker

Brian Thacker, tour leader extraordinaire, tells it how it really is in this, his best selling and hilarious ride through Europe with a busload of raucous and rarely sober under 35s.

Crew Manual Rule #2: learn all names on day one.

Crew Manual Rule #3: don't get lost.

Crew Manual Rule #5: Crew must not engage in sexual activity on board the bus with passengers or fellow employees.

But then rules were made to be broken, right?

Brian Thacker confesses all as he reveals the best (and worst) of 20 trips as a tour leader around Europe. How he managed to feed a bus load of tourists horse meat spaghetti bolognese, hamburgers made from breakfast cereal, and roosters' testicles; how he left a lone passenger stranded by the side of a motorway in France for three hours in nothing but his underwear clutching only a purple toothbrush; and how, along the way, he managed to lose his driver, his cook, 10 brightly coloured canal bikes, a large church, his bus and eventually his patience.

Genres: Travel, Nonfiction, Memoir, Humor, Biography, Comedy

300 pages, Kindle Edition

First published June 1, 2001

About the author

Travel Author Brian Thacker was born in England, but he didn't like the weather so he immigrated to Melbourne, Australia when he was six. After many years working as an art director in advertising Brian worked as a tour leader escorting bus loads of drunk Aussies around Europe. That 'experience' became Brian's first book Rule No. 5: No Sex on the Bus (2001). Since then Brian has written six other books including Planes, Trains and Elephants (2002), The Naked Man Festival (2004), I'm Not Eating Any of That Foreign Muck (2005), Where's Wallis? (2006), '2009 Travel Book of the Year' for Sleeping Around and Tell Them to Get Lost: Travels with the Lonely Planet guidebook that started it all (2011). Brian's books have been translated into German, Thai, Mandarin and Slovenian. So far he has visited 81 countries (82 if you count Tasmania).
Brian recently moved from Melbourne to Minneapolis, Minnesota.

Reviews

[Kelly · Rating 2 out of 5]

As someone who worked for a travel company and has led a few tours of my own, I'd long been interested in reading this book, which I'd heard was hilarious. The writer led several tours of his own throughout Europe, with a decidedly different demographic than the one I was used to having mainly worked with older Americans. His tours were of the bus and camp variety for young twenty-somethings. The book focuses a lot on drinking, and seeing his passengers (and coach driver) get drunk, throw up and hook up. Although he toured Europe, other than his detailed description of sex shows in Amsterdam, nothing in the memoir gave any idea that one place was much different than another. I felt as if I'd met this person in real life, I wouldn't like him very much. I quit reading about halfway through the book, as there didn't seem to be much else to share.

[Suzanne Moelands · Rating 5 out of 5]

OMG! This book had me in tears constantly! I have vivid memories if reading it in the departure lounge on my way to Sri Lanka in 2004, trying to stifle back busts of laughter and giggles to no avail. Everyone in the lounge was staring at me with tears running down my cheeks! Needless to say I found myself on Contiki Tour Leader Training 3 years later. This book is one of the best comedies I've read. If you love traveling or have been on a tour bus in Europe you will love this read.

[Amy · Rating 3 out of 5]

I am a fan of travel books in general. This was a bawdy and sometimes sexist. Aussie humor through and through. There are some funny moments that made meme wonder if I had visited Europe all wrong... Although I could almost feel the hangovers through the pages.

[Carmel Fradd · Rating 4 out of 5]

Brings back memories of european tours. Completely believable and funny

[Aimee · Rating 1 out of 5]

I'd give it 1.5 stars. This book chronicles the author's embittered account as a leader for Kon-tiki style tours. The humor was crude, the characters were reduced to one-dimensional stereotypes, and the storyline was monotonous (young and not-so-young adults drinking, vomiting, and screwing themselves into oblivion, missing the best sights and experiences of Europe). Occasionally, the author had something amusing to say. While I'm not without sympathy for the challenging and thankless work that tour leaders do for low pay, Thacker's contempt for his clients, coworkers, and others he interacted with in the tourist industry quickly got tiresome.

[Todd Smith · Rating 4 out of 5]

Brian Thacker confesses all as he reveals the best (and worst) of 20 trips he has taken as a tour leader around Europe.

He tells how he fed passengers horse meat, spag bog, hamburgers made from breakfast cereal, and roosters' testicles.

He once left a passenger standing by the side of a motorway in France for three hours in his underwear, clutching a purple toothbrush, and how, along the way, he lost his driver, his cook, his bus, ten brightly colored canal bikes, a large church and eventually his patience.

This was an interesting book about what it is like to be a tour operator and the adventures you will have doing this job.

[Lee Belbin · Rating 3 out of 5]

Indeed entertaining and enlightening but still overly fixated on sex. The experiences of an Australian tour bus leader around Europe often with young Australian and new Zealanders aboard. What can you expect I wonder? Yes, that and more. An education for those who missed this right of passage.

[Terry · Rating 5 out of 5]

My favourite Brian Thacker Book! I was in stitches!

[Jake · Rating 3 out of 5]

Pretty fun read. I've been on a trip around Europe before with a similar one of these 'bus-tour' groups, so am aware of the experiences described. A light-read which at times is very funny.

[Philip Taffs · Rating 4 out of 5]

Funny, energetic, entertaining...you feel like you're on the fun bus with Brian yourself.

Laugh out loud in parts and firm proof that travelling, drinking and sex are good for you.

[Radostina Radost · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hilarious!

[DaniW · Rating 2 out of 5]

Hasn't aged well

I am clearly not the target demographic for this book. Goodreads requires 10 more words, but I don't have them.

[Wulan · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is seriously one of the most hilarious books I've ever read in my entire life!! And when I say "hilarious", I mean "laughing so hard you had to stop reading and put the book down and stopped your body from shaking". Many times I had to pause and close my eyes and shake my head because this book is just so darn ridiculous and bloody entertaining. I'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact that all those crazy, out-of-this-world stories Brian wrote DID actually happened!
I've wanted to go on a Eurotrip my entire life, and I've read many (and i mean MANY) travel guide books to prepare myself. Trust me, THIS book is the most useful one by far!

[Mel · Rating 3 out of 5]

A fun easy read, definitely for travellers who have been on organised tours like Contiki. Reminded me of our trip to Europe, and the ridiculous people who were in our tour group! Captures the essence of a group of Aussies doing nothing but drinking and shagging their way through beautiful cities, and missing most of the sites! I realised then and am reminded now of how odd we seemed because we actually wanted to see Europe and didn't drink or shag the whole time! A good laugh, and a couple of groan inducing moments too. What a cool job Brian had!

[Carianne Carleo-Evangelist · Rating 2 out of 5]

Honestly, I wasn't impressed by this book. Sure, it was amusing in parts, but didn't this guy have any sensible people on his tours? It kinda seemed like a collection of "idiots abroad" and though his tours were mainly made up of Aussies and Kiwis, he had idiot stories from all nationalities, are those of us who go travelling that dumb? Is the reason we travel only to get drunk and get laid?

Amusing in some parts, but I've certainly read better.

[Amy · Rating 4 out of 5]

as someone who is going to embark on one of these trips around europe, this book was great. it had humour in all the right places, and some parts even had me in stitches.

i would definately recommend this to anyone about to travel overseas, and will definately take some of brians tip and tricks onboard.

great read, cant wait to get my hands on some of his other books.

[Amy · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book reads like a conversation the night after a fraternity party: "Dude, guess what you DID?!?!" It's funny and the grammar and dialect is obviously Australian, which is fun for Americans to read (although his opinion of us as fat, McDonalds-eating folk is not very kind). Fast, enjoyable romp through Europe.

[Agatha Donkar Lund · Rating 4 out of 5]

One of the funniest travel books I've ever read -- laugh-out-loud-on-the-bus funny. You won't get a history of Europe in this one, but you will get a running list of all the dumb shit people do when they're traveling, which was enough for me.

[Christina · Rating 3 out of 5]

Very entertaining. I picked this up because I'm planning to go on a Contiki tour next year. Some of the anecdotes were absolutely horrific (but HILARIOUS)! At the same time, I've picked up a few ideas of places I'd like to go and things I'd like to see :) Read it for a good laugh.

[Elaine · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you've ever toured Europe as a college student, stayed in the hostels, gotten drunk in some random back street in the middle of Germany...this will bring you laughs. Not a tough intellectual by any stretch but a fun, quick read that brought back memories of my own summer European adventures.

[Sharon · Rating 4 out of 5]

Brilliant & rollicking read, I am so upset I never took a Contiki trip around Europe now, sounds like I missed the experience of a lifetime by not going.
Very funny book, glad I didn't become a tour group leader, I am not sure I would have coped.

[Cazz Reid · Rating 5 out of 5]

Easily the funniest travel book I've ever read. If you've ever gone on a topdeck or contiki tour as a young traveller, Rule #5 will instantly take you back to those days. Can't recommend this book enough!

[Marley · Rating 3 out of 5]

cute. some laugh-out-loud funny moments and an interesting inside look at the tourism industry.

[Zala · Rating 4 out of 5]

A bit too much is said about drinking and having sex and too little about what places they actually visited and about their history, but otherwise highly entertaining.

[Courtney · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a hilarious quick read we found in a place we stayed in Air Batang, Malaysia. Very funny and sarcastic and made me anxious to tour Europe again!

[Jen · Rating 4 out of 5]

never go on a contiki tour.......

[Strinida · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love this book because it 100% relates to my Contiki travel with some girlfriends after college. AWESOME!

[Brit · Rating 5 out of 5]

A very fun read about touring around Europe from the perspective of the tour leader. I laughed so much reading this. I definitely recommend it to anyone who likes traveling.

[Charlene]

Such a fantastically funny and honest look at life on the road!

Couldn't stop laughing, nor could I put it down!

[Offenstadt · Rating 3 out of 5]

A great laugh for those who like a dry Aussie sense of humour AND travel stories.