My Story

by Kamala Suraiyya Das, Madhavikutty

First published in Malayalam in 1973, My Story, Kamala Das’s sensational autobiography, shocked readers with its total disregard for mindless conventions and its fearless articulation of a subject still considered taboo. Depicting the author's intensely personal experiences in her passage to womanhood and shedding light on the hypocrisies that informed traditional society, this memoir was far ahead of its time and is now acknowledged as a bona fide masterpiece.

Genres: Autobiography, Nonfiction, Biography, Indian Literature, India, Memoir, Feminism

232 pages, Paperback

First published February 1, 1973

About the author

See also Madhavikutty
Kamala Suraiyya (born Kamala; 31 March 1934 – 31 May 2009), also known by her one-time pen name Madhavikutty and Kamala Das, was an Indian English poet and littérateur and at the same time a leading Malayalam author from Kerala, India. Her popularity in Kerala is based chiefly on her short stories and autobiography, while her oeuvre in English, written under the name Kamala Das, is noted for the poems and explicit autobiography.

Her open and honest treatment of female sexuality, free from any sense of guilt, infused her writing with power, but also marked her as an iconoclast in her generation. On 31 May 2009, aged 75, she died at a hospital in Pune. Das has earned considerable respect in recent years.

(from Wikipedia)

Reviews

[Dr. Appu Sasidharan (Dasfill) · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is one of the best autobiographies ever written in Malayalam. This is written by Kamal Suraiyya (Madhavikutty).

This book was first published in 1973. We can clearly see that the author was far ahead of her time in this book. Her straightforward, fearless writing style created a lot of fans and enemies at the same time. She once said that even her relatives were afraid of what she was going to write about them.

This is a must-read book if you are someone who loves reading biographies. English translation of it is also available, which is called My Story.

[Reading_ Tamishly · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was originally published in Malayalam as Ente Katha in 1973.
The featured book is the translated version by K. Satchidanandan.
I am so glad I picked up this book.
The book starts with a detailed 12-paged introduction by the translator which helps in understanding the book in a more personal way.
The book is divided into 50 short chapters which deal with her childhood, an early arranged marriage, frequent shifts, her indifferent husband, her love of writing, loneliness, depression, unfulfilled desires, ill health, how her original place differs from Delhi,Mumbai and Kolkata; how men look at another woman in reality & the different types of men she had come across.
I find it really liberating how she writes with such an independent spirit about her desires ,both physical and mental issues written in such a clear straightforward way.
I really love the book regarding her honest opinion regarding some metropolitan cities.
And the way she brings forward the woes of living in a patriarchal society...which sadly I would say still exists.
I can totally relate to her when she defends herself about books, authors and buying books. I gasped more than once while reading this book because it was damn too honest & open!
Overall, this book went over my expectations!👍

[Radhika S Nair · Rating 3 out of 5]

ആദ്യം നെറ്റി ചുളിക്കയും പിന്നീട് അത്ഭുതപ്പെടുകയും ചെയ്തു ..........വരികളാൽ വർണ്ണങ്ങൾ തീര്ക്കുന്ന കഥാകാരിയെ ആരാധനയോടെ നോക്കി ....... ഒട്ടും അഹങ്ഗാരി അല്ലാത്ത ആ പ്രതിഭയ്ക്ക് ഇതിലും ചെറുതായി തന്റെ വികാരത്തെ വര്ന്നിക്കാൻ ആവില്ല..... "ഞാൻ ഇതാണെന്ന് പറയാൻ ഞാൻ ആരെ
ഭയക്കണം " എന്ന എന്റെ വരികൾ കൂട്ടിച്ചേർത്തു നിര്ത്തുന്നു.....(RAD)

[Akshay Joy · Rating 5 out of 5]

ഒരു ചട്ട കൂടിലും ഒതുങ്ങി നില്കാതെ .. സ്വന്തം ജീവിതത്തെ പച്ചയായി അവതരിപ്പിച്ചുകൊണ്ട് നടത്തിയ ഈ ജീവിത കാവ്യം . ഒരു സ്ത്രീയുടെ എല്ലാം വികാര വിചാര തലങ്ങളെ സന്നിവേസിപ്പിച്ചു കാണിച്ച ആ ധൈര്യത്തിന് മുന്നില് വാക്കുകള പോലും മതിയാകില്ല ..... എല്ലാവരും വയിചിരികേണ്ട ഒരു അത്മകധംശം തന്നെ ആണ്‌...... ഇത് പോലെ ഒരു പുസ്തകം ലോക ചരിത്രത്തില ഉണ്ടായതുമില്ല ...ഇനി ഉണ്ടാകുമില്ല .......

[Jessy Antony John · Rating 5 out of 5]

What is most fascinating about this book is the simple honesty with which Madhavikutty dramatises her self and places her life at the vortex of the controversial maelstrom unleashed by the publication of Ente Kadha. In that sense it s a taking stock of one’s own life and its perennial poetry.

Her confessions regarding her prolonged stints with religiosity, her bouts of scepticism, the attempts to project herself as a sinner before her readers and a saint before her gods all add to the enthralling enigma we love as Amy or Kamala Das or Madhavikutty. Harshly critical of Malayali women, who according to her can be much more patriarchal than men themselves, she claims that her poetic freedom of speech was often a red rag to many. Her ruminations on the deep bonds she enjoys with Punnayoorkulam and the Nalappat tharavadu are at the same time tinged by the searing knowledge that what she actually inherited are the streets of Bombay and her numerous quests for her own self there.

She writes with a binocular combination of feminine charm and feminist vigour. Political and polemical, raw and confessional, with a stark simplicity that is the mark of a truly great writer, she continues to rip the mask off the conventional Kerala society of her times. Once again we are enthralled by this strange muse who dazzles us with her lyrical prose and her sensational thoughts, by the intimacies and confessions she yields, and the easy readings she resists. This volume is further proof that here is a writer who will not go gently into the swirling mists of easy oblivion but will continue to haunt this world and the readers she so loved to enthrall.

[Anirudh · Rating 3 out of 5]

It is rare that I read an Indian author in English, but Kamala Das and her book were a gambit that worked.

My story is the story of Kamala Das, a woman born in a conservative society of Kerala. In the book, she explores the desires of women of that era who were bound by tradition and had no say in any matters. It is not a continuous story but rather a collection of incidents based on the lives of various women the author came across in her life. It is difficult to say how much of it is true as she tends to tease the reader with a story only to reveal that it was all along a work of imagination.

I cannot imagine the reaction she must have faced when she published her book. But it is an interesting read for people who love to explore the depths and corners of a vast ocean known as the human nature.

[Swati · Rating 4 out of 5]

When you write in your private journal are you 100% honest and entirely open?

I don’t keep a journal today, but I had one during my school years. And I think I was honest but only partially open. I couldn’t risk my journal being read, could I?

And then there’s Kamala Das. A writer so blindingly honest and transparent that you flinch when you read her book. I had read about her memoir “My Story” being banned for its explicit content but it’s only when I actually started reading the book that I realized just how much.

Das’ memoir begins with recollections of her childhood years – the house she grew up in, her family members, the orthodox culture, and a society biased towards the British. She goes on to talk about her infatuations, her growing sense and understanding of sexuality, of marriage, and her ensuing depression. There are lyrical passages where I got lost in the descriptions and took me away with them, like this one.

“In Delhi, the winter is full of enchantment. The sun falls over the city gently like a sliver of butter on a piece of toast. Everything smells of the white, kind sun, not the grass alone or the berries fallen from the trees, but the children with their red cheeks roughened by the night’s chill and young men drinking cona coffee at the Coffee House waiting for their current lovers to join them.”

It’s raw and unfiltered, as if someone has just taken her diary entries and simply translated it. This was the best part of the book and also the downside at times. There are fragments that seem jarring without context, and characters who appear suddenly without any background. For example, when did she even start writing to Carlo, her pen friend?

In the end, we get the picture of a woman who is decidedly very human in her mix of loneliness, fulfilment, love, happiness, frustration, and everything else. We see someone who is contemptuous of society and its many duplicitous forms and attitudes. A person who is idealistic in many ways and consistently gets disappointed. And with its abrupt ending, the book, like Das, remains incomplete.

Definitely give this a read.

[Shine Sebastian · Rating 4 out of 5]

"സമുദായത്തെ ഒരു വിരൂപിയായ മുത്തശ്ശിയായി ഞാൻ കാണുന്നു. വിദ്വെഷം നിറഞ്ഞ മനസ്സുള്ളവരെയും നുണപറയുന്നവരെയും വഞ്ചിക്കുന്നവരെയും സ്വാർത്ഥികളെയും ഏറ്റവും രഹസ്യമായി കൊലചെയ്തവരെയും ഈ വൃദ്ധ ഒരു കരിമ്പടം കൊണ്ട് വാത്സല്യത്തോടെ പുതപ്പിക്കുന്നു. ഈ കരിമ്പടത്തിന്റെ രക്ഷയെ വെറുക്കുന്നവർ പുറത്തുകിടന്നു തണുത്തുവിറയ്ക്കുന്നു. "

[Shiva Subbiaah kumar · Rating 5 out of 5]

An explicit biography published February 1st, 1973. Kamala Das (born Kamala; 31 March 1934 - 31 May 2009) was short-listed for the Nobel Prize for Literature and is probably the first Hindu woman to talk openly about the desires of Indian women.
Originally published as Ente Katha in Malayalam, I read the Tamil version finely translated by Nirmalya and published by Kalachuvadu Publications.
Read Blog Here



Review
For many readers, this will be the first time they read such content from an Indian author.
It begins with her childhood, an early marriage, frequent shifts to cities, her love of books, writing, loneliness, depression, health, and also some insights on places like Kolkata, Bombay, and Delhi.
She was born into a conservative family in Kerala, and her life took turns in exploring the desires of women, which makes me wonder how the book was received when it was published.

Quote from the book
'Wipe out the paints, unmold the clay
Let nothing remain of that yesterday'

Not from the book:
“I speak three languages, write in two, dream in one,”

[Smriti · Rating 5 out of 5]

Stellar! Review coming up.

[Sudeeran Nair · Rating 2 out of 5]

கமலா தாஸ் @மாதவிக்குட்டி @ஆமி @சுரையா பல பெயர்களில் வாழ்ந்திருக்கிறார். பெயர்களை போலவே வாழ்வியலும் மரம் விட்டு மரம் தாவும் மனம் படைத்ததாகவே அமைந்திருக்கிறது என் கதை.

சுய சரிதை என்றாலும் குறைந்த காலத்திலேயே எழுதப்பட்டு ஏறக்குறைய 45 வயத���ற்குள்ளாகவே முடிக்கப்பட்டிருக்கிறது. அதற்கு பின்னும் 30 ஆண்டுகள் வாழ்ந்திருக்கிறார். இதை சுயசரிதை என்ற வகைமையில் கொண்டு வந்திருப்பத��� முரண்.

பெண்ணாக பிறந்ததும் சிறிய வயது தோற்றத்தின் தாழ்வு மனப்பான்மைகளும், வளர்ந்த சூழலும், மேற்கத்திய மோகத்தின் தாக்கமும் கமலா தாசிற்கு கிடைக்கவே பெறாத உடலை மறந்த மனதை மட்டும் எதிர்நோக்கும் வற்றாத காதலை நோக்கி முன்கூட்டி தீர்மானித்தே வாழ்க்கையை நகர்த்தியிருக்கிறார்.

காந்தியவாதிகளுக்கு மகளாக பிறந்தும் காந்திக்கு ஹரிலால் போல கமலாதாசும் தன் வாழ்வை பிறழியகளுக்காகவே அர்பணித்திருப்பது ஆகப் பெரும் சோகம். இதன் இவர் எடுத்து சமூகத்திற்கு எடுத்து வைத்திருக்கும் கருத்தாக்கம் என்ன?

ஆணாதிக்க கணவர் என்றும் சொல்லும் கமலாவால் அவரை விட்ட அகலவே முடியவில்லை. பல இடங்கள் அவர் பரிவை அள்ளிக் கொடுத்திருக்கிறார்.

சுதந்திரமே அடையாத காலத்தில் கமலாவிற்கு நல்ல பள்ளிகளில் ( 3 லிருந்து 4 சதவீதம் பேரே படிக்கும் காலத்தில்) படிப்பு கிடைத்தும் அந்த படிப்பின் மூலம் அவர் அறிந்தது என்ன என்பது பூஜ்யம். முறை தவறிய மனைவி என அறிந்திருந்தாரா ? என்பதில் தெளிவில்லை இருந்து அவரிடத்து போறாமைகள் எதுவும் இல்லை.

காலச்சூழல்கள் சரியாக கணிக்க முடியாத எழுத்து நடை முன் பின்னாக நகருகிறது. ஒரே நிகழ்வு மீண்டும் மீண்டும் ஒரு அத்தியாயமாகவே வருவது பதிப்பாளார்கள் குறைபாடாக இருக்கலாம்.

மொழிபெயர்ப்பு சிறப்பு எனினும் தீராப் புலம்பல்கள் அசுவராஸ்யத்தை கொடுத்து விடலாம். மேட்டிமை சமூகத்தில் மது குடிப்பது, ஆண்களோடு பழகுவது என்பதெல்லாம் பெரிய புரட்சியாக சொல்ல முடியுமா என்று தெரியவில்லை. இவரின் இந்த எழுத்துகள் எனது வாசிப்பில் எந்த தாக்கத்தையும் ஏற்படுத்த வில்லை. காரணம் ஒரு சாமனியப் பெண் குடும்ப வாழ்வில் எதிர்கொள்ளும் எந்த சமூக பிரச்சினைகளும் இவரது வாழ்வியலிலும் எழுத்திலும் இல்லை.

இவரின் போறாமைகள் சமூகத்தின் போறாமைகளோடு பொருந்தவேயில்லை. ஏதோ ஒரு விதத்தில் இவரை எழுத்தாளர் சமூகம் உயர்த்தி பிடித்திருக்கிறதோ என்ற ஐயம் மட்டுமே.

[Rebecca · Rating 2 out of 5]

Disappointing and incomplete too... So many repetitions... And the spelling.!!! .. Will not buy another Malayalam ebook...

[qamar⋆｡°✩ · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5☆ — an intimate, lonely picture of the writer as a young woman, born into a conservative upper caste family, and seeking for nothing but love and companionship. if you're from kerala, it would be impossible for you to not have heard of kamala das: she was bold, outrageous, and spoke of sensuality with unabashed intimacy and familiarity. more so, she appealed to other women (like her, from a similar caste background) trapped within the confines of gender roles. we see how her emotional ferocity and protectiveness over her identity as a writer remained the most consistent trait she carried with her throughout her life, from a young girl whose work was written off as that of another, to an older, exhausted woman who is ready to give away everything as long as she can write.

the chapters were short and what we got were snapshots from parts of her life, but it was very absorbing and poetic. i had read beforehand that it has been admitted that certain parts of this 'autobiography' were actually fabricated and not real, but a part of me also chooses to believe that they were very much rooted in reality.

since she was from a privileged caste location, i should not have expected it, but i was hoping for some solid critical outlook on her part with regard to caste. nothing overly intellectual, but at least something in order for me to be able to place what kind of boldness and outrageousness she has embodied in the malayalam literature scene. most of her transgressions however, seem to be largely restricted to blunt honesty on the expectations placed upon women of her caste and class. she also tended to view the working class in ways that made her socioeconomic status pretty apparent.

most of my rating goes towards the writing, the excerpts of poetry, and the themes present- it was certainly a rewarding experience.

[Sonia · Rating 4 out of 5]

I had heard of this book for a long time. Somehow, never laid my hands on it and therefore, never read. It is courtesy Dr Nagraja, my Linguistics professor from college that I got to read it now! He was moving to Mysore from Pune, and this was among the books he donated to our library The Book Leaf. And am I glad it was!
What spontaneous writing! There is nothing stilted about the writing style of Kamala Das. I can well imagine what it must have been to chat with her face-to-face! In the time of just independent India, when the position of women had a lot to cry about still, here is a woman who knew her mind and who put herself and her individuality much before anything else. Who was not scared of putting down on paper exactly what she had done in life and what she thought of her husband and various other relations are were thrust on her... I doubt many of us modern women with our high power jobs and parenting, can have half the courage that she alone represented. One can not stand on moral judgement and say whether how she led her life and what she did or did not do, was right or wrong. However, one can salute what a woman was able to do in a very male dominated society!

[Shalet Jimmy · Rating 5 out of 5]

It's true that when you grow old your perspective changes. It's so true while re-reading a book too. Many thoughts becomes clear and assumes different dimensions. That's a different experience. The recent in the list of those books which I read again was Kamala Das ' My Story'. I should be very specific. I am reading it for the third time. When I first read it, about 15 years ago, the only scene that I remembered from the book was when Das ( her husband ) forcibly kissing her when they meet for the first time. Yet another scene was when her cousin kisses her near a staircase. Except those scenes I remember nothing till I read it for the third time. ( I was stuck with those scenes. It might because I was studying in a convent at that time where all such conversation were a taboo)

Coming back to the review,

The Nalappat house, the ancestral home of Kamala provided ample resources to take a deep plunge into the ocean of writing. Her stay in Calcutta too provided ample food for thought. As the title indicates, it is her story where she did not hide behind any hypocrisy. She came out in the open without diluting her thoughts even once. Lesbianism, her frequent love affairs, her quest for love - though she discuss themin detail, I wonder whether she had taken many of those things from the world she had created for herself. Somewhere down the line, her all romantic expectations never went beyond a certain level. It was miles away from reaching a successful culmination. I felt she was unfortunately stuck in her thoughts and her longing for love froze before fruition. All through her work I felt her like a reservoir. The water tapped in it wanted to take its own course. But the big walls built around it prevented it. This thought broke my heart. It was not lust she was talking about but love,pure love.

I was also surprised by the kind of relationship she shared with her husband. She describes that her husband invites his boy friend to her home. They would shut themselves in a room and would behave as lovers. It hurts her. But at the same time she loves her husband too. “ When I heard his heavy footfalls on the stairs, I clapped my hands in sheer happiness”. This was when she was staying away from her husband in Nalappat house with her younger son. When one of her love letters ended up in her husband's hands he warns her saying that she is innocent and she should keep herself away from such fraudsters. Is n't it a strange kind of relationships. Sometimes I am forced to think that Kamala might have acknowledged that her husband is a homosexual. Because of it, Das did not have any issues with her romantic escapades. ( Am I far-fetched by pointing out this). When this was published years ago, it was a shocker in Kerala. It should be. It shredded into pieces the so called built up moralities existed in Kerala.

I would like to conclude with her quote from ' My story' “ I sincerely believe that knowledge is exposure to life. I could never bring myself to hang my life on the pegs of quotation for safety . I never did play safe. I compromised myself with every sentence I wrote and thus burnt all the boats that would have reached me to security.”


I give 9/10

[Rehan Farhad · Rating 4 out of 5]

১৯৯৪ সালের কথা। বাসন্তী গুহঠাকুরতার 'কালের ভেলায়' বই প্রকাশিত হবে, ততদিনে লেখক মারা গেছেন। উনার বইয়ের ভূমিকায় মুনতাসীর মামুন লিখলেন, 'উপমহাদেশের মহিলাদের আত্মজীবনী কম, আর ভাল আত্মজীবনী খুব কম'। তুলনায় উদাহরণ হিসেবে কমলা দাশের মাই স্টোরি বইয়ের কথা বললেন। 'মাই স্টোরি' বইয়ের শেষে দেখা যায়; এপারের বাসন্তী গুহঠাকুরতার ট্রাজিক জীবন, ওপারের কমলা দাশের জীবনের সাথে মিলেমিশে একাকার হয়ে গেছে। বাসন্তীর সুখী জীবন ধ্বংস করেছিল পাক আর্মিরা, অন্যদিকে কমলা দাসের নিজের পরিবার থেকে তার জামাই সবাই ছিল একেক লেভেলের ছোট বড় হানাদার। কমলা দাস কোনো কথা চেপে রাখেননি। অকপটে নিজের রক্ষণশীল পরিবার, বহুগামী/রেপিস্ট/টর্চারার স্বামীর সব কুকীর্তি ডায়েরির মতো লিখে গেছেন। চরম নিরাসক্তভাবে লেখা পুরা বইয়ের ঘটনা পড়তে গিয়ে পাঠক বিরক্ত হতে পারেন, একজন মেয়ে হলে ডিপ্রেশনে পড়া অস্বাভাবিক নয়। তবে এই বই কেরালার এলিট সমাজের ধুতি খুলে ল্যাঙটো করে ছেড়ে দিয়েছে।

বইয়ের এক পর্যায়ে দেখা যায় বিপর্যয় বিধ্বস্ত কমলা দাশ মন থেকে ভালোবাসতেন একমাত্র তার দাদীকে। দাদীর মৃত্যুর পর তিনি লিখেছেন," ট্রাজেডি মানে মৃত্যু নয়, বরং বড় হওয়া, নিজের যোগ্যতার চেয়েও বড় হওয়া। সুস্থ হয়ে স্বামীর কাছে ফেরার সময় দাদী আমাকে বললেন, 'নববর্ষে আসবে, আসবে না?' ততদিনে নির্জলা মিথ্যে বলায় এত অভ্যস্ত হয়ে গেছি যে সাথে সাথে বললাম,' অবশ্যই আসব দাদীমা'। কদিন পর দাদীমা মারা গেলেন। তার মৃত্যু সংবাদ শুনে আমার মনের একাংশ খুশি হলো নতুন পাওয়া স্বাধীনতার জন্য, অপর অংশ গভীর হতাশায় ভরে গেলো। নতুন স্বাধীনতায় আমাকে আর মিথ্যা নাটক করতে হবে না। আমার জন্য এই যথেষ্ট। আমার প্রত্যাশার চেয়েও বেশি......"

[Shadin Pranto · Rating 4 out of 5]

' Wipe out the paints, unmould the clay.
Let nothing remain on that yesterday.' - Kamla Das


সফল আত্মকথার পূর্বশর্ত সেখানে সত্য থাকবে। এমন নির্জলা ও কদর্য সত্য যা বেশির ভাগ মানুষ কার্পেটের তলায় লুকিয়ে রাখতে স্বস্তি পায়। এই শর্ত অত্যন্ত কঠোরভাবে পূরণ করেছেন মালায়ালাম কবি ও লেখক কমলা দাসের আত্মজীবনী 'এন্তে কথা'। যা ১৯৭২ সালে প্রকাশিত হয়। এত অকপটে নিজের ব্যক্তিগত জীবনের কদর্য নানা দিক যেমন: যৌনতা নিয়ে লিখতে গেলে সৎসাহস ও দুঃসাহস - দুটোই যথেষ্ট থাকতে হয়। কমলা দাসের কোনোটির কমতি দেখিনি।


বৈবাহিক ধর্ষণ নিয়ে আলাপ পারতপক্ষে আমরা করতে চাই না। একপক্ষ এই ইস্যুতে কথা বলতে শরমিন্দা হন এবং অপরপক্ষ এটিকে বিবেচনায় আনার কথা ভাবতেই পারেন না। একজন নারীর জন্য এই ধরনের নিপীড়ন কত ভয়াবহ শারীরিক ও মানসিক প্রভাব প্রভাব ফেলতে পারে তা বুঝতে চাইলে কমলা দাসের 'মাই স্টোরি' পড়ুন। বিশেষ করে, প্রাপ্তবয়স্ক পুরুষ পাঠকদের বইখানা আরও মনোযোগ দিয়ে পড়া জরুরি। কারণ নারী আপনার বিয়ে করা বউ হলেও তার অনুমতি কেন জরুরি তা বুঝতে পারা আপনার-আমার খুব দরকার।

কমলা দাস স্বীকার করেছেন, তিনি লিখতে গিয়ে কিছু 'স্বাধীনতা' নিয়েছেন। তা-ও বলবো, বইটি পড়ুন। জেনে নিন, অপকট আত্মকথা কেমন হয়ে থাকে। বাংলায় বইটির ঝরঝরে অনুবাদ করেছেন বিতস্তা ঘোষাল।

[Tarang Sinha]

Actually, Did Not Finish.

I love Kamala Das's writing, that's why I bought this book and had great expectations. But, I feel sorry to say that this book is like a plain diary, without any twist or excitement. My opinion about the author's writing is still same, but I didn't feel like turning pages (I tried) as I didn't know what I wanted know or why should I complete the book.

Very disappointed.

[Sumit Gunjan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really an awesome poet, writer and lover..
Some very deep insights about adolescent age, women psychology, love and our sexually suppressed society..

[Amal · Rating 5 out of 5]

Something that cannot be described in mere words. With its mesmerizing poetry, and the captivating poet who pinned them up;this is nothing short of marvelous!

[Viji (Bookish endeavors) · Rating 5 out of 5]

Class eighth. Writing had come to me accidentally, when I was in class seventh. My words mostly childish, always bearing the confusion of not belonging anywhere. That’s when I got an article in my hands- one whole page of newspaper- because newspaper then meant the wrappings you got when you purchased something from a shop.. those were my baby steps into language, other than what I could get from the school library. An occasional Sunday newspaper meant paradise, because it always contained something about books.. I would hide that paper and keep it under the bed, where I always kept my books. And at night I would read to the sound of the occasional trucks that passed by on the national highway right in front of my house and the sound of waves from the sea just two hundred meters away.

And that’s how I discovered Nandita. The melancholy with which the author wrote about her filled me with respect and passion for the poetess who decided to take her life and embraced death. (I think I was Kafkaesque way before I read Kafka..) My poems started getting coloured, with a passion for death and pain.. with an eye for sorrow and loss.. Writing took a new meaning- playing with pain.. And it was through that article that I first happened to read about Madhavikutty. The rebel of a woman who pursued her own thoughts and lay it bare in her words. Though I tried, I could not access her works then because it was not available for my age.

I used to write in a small book I had made out of the papers that I had salvaged from the old notebooks and it always used to be in Malayalam, my mother tongue. And I always kept in hidden. As luck would have it, my sister ,who didn’t like things being hidden told about it to my mom.. ‘a book of poems’.. well.. that’s how my initial words ended up in fire. And that’s how I learnt to write in English.. so as to keep my thoughts to myself..

I met Madhavikutty again when I watched her in an interview, explaining why she converted from Hinduism to Islam. I remembered my Professor talking about her in a class in which he emphasised the importance of staying in the middle- she lived in extremes throughout her life.. and now she is done, so she wants to cover herself, literally and figuratively. I could never figure out the phenomenon of her, yet I did not read her. Now that I think of it, I do not understand why I haven’t. The next time I ran into her in my life, it was when my sister told me- you should watch that movie about Madhavikutty, she is almost like you.. The same sister who showed my journal; it was an irony of fate. And I watched the movie- a misunderstood life, beautifully portrayed by an actress I admire for the way she is living her own life. Here is to the words lost in the furnace, burnt and one with the sky.

[Resh Krishna · Rating 4 out of 5]

Her story.

It was not about how she rose to fame. Not about how great a life she led. Its not about all the seemingly interesting things that have occurred in her life. In brief, it isn't like any other autobiography that inspires you to live in that person's shoes.

Its an honest story that leads you through the paths she's walked, her thoughts, feelings, mistakes. It touches more than once on the dark side that inevitably exists in everyone's life but most refuse to think so deeply about and moreover write about.

She also sheds light on the mentality and the not-so-glorified past of India for the young readers like me, who was stupefied to know especially, that India was never sacred when it came to love and the institute of marriage. This could simply be just the author, or my ignorance(in order to avoid a clash of opinions). Anyhow, it also talks about the sadder, lonelier, imperfect parts of life that every normal man goes through which plays an important role in his/her decisions.

This isn't a book meant to entertain you but for you to open your mind wider, or simply just to listen, to judge, to introspect.

[Shrenik · Rating 3 out of 5]

K Das has a deft and confident writing style with powerfully effective use of imagery. Clearly a highly intelligent complex person who led a restive emotionally unsatiated life.

Hardy's crushingly depressing assessment of human existence comes to mind:

"happiness is but an occasional episode in a general drama of pain"

To apply it precisely to Kamalaben - need to replace "happiness" with "near fulfilment" and "pain" with "frustration"

[Thirumalai · Rating 5 out of 5]

மிகவும் அருமையான புத்தகம். அவரின் அக உலகத்தை பதிவு செய்த விதத்தில் மிக அருமை. மிக சில பெண் எழுத்தாளர்களை படித்த என் போன்றவர்களுக்கு இந்த புத்தகத்தின் உள்ளடக்கம் கொஞ்சம் அதிர்வை அளித்தது.

புத்தகத்தில் வரும் திருட்டு சமுதாயக்கிழவி வருணணை மிக அழகு. ஆனால் புத்தகத்தின் கடைசி அத்தியாயம் நாம் இதுவரை படித்ததை மறுவரையரை செய்வதாகபடுகிறது.

மொழிபெயர்ப்புபோல் இல்லாமல் மிகவும் இயல்பான நடையில் இருந்தது.

[Sandra · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is one woman who never ceases to amaze me. Reading this book, I was one with the woman who wanted to love under the Gul Mohar, the one who had an abundance of love for everything and everyone around her, the one who wanted to make sure that her kids believed in magic.

To think that someone like her existed not so long ago, gives me hope.

[EJ · Rating 4 out of 5]

" മൂന്നു സത്യങ്ങൾ മാത്രമേ നമുക്കു മനസ്സിലാവേണ്ടതുള്ളൂ - ഭൂതകാലത്തിൽ ജനനം, വർത്തമാനകാലത്തിൽ ജീവിതം, ഭാവിയിൽ മരണം. ഇത് സത്യങ്ങൾക്കപ്പുറത്ത് അനന്തമായ ശൂന്യതയാണ്. "

[Sruthi · Rating 3 out of 5]

✨ My Story by Kamala Das ✨

✍️ A controversial autobiography of an Indian writer who candidly describes her discontent with her marriage life, sexual fantasies, extramarital affairs, and lesbianism in the early 70s. It's a courageous attempt to publicly write such things in a book when one is hesitant to even write them in their personal diary.

✍️ However, I am sorry that I didn't like this book. In the beginning, I believed that this book was the outcome of a woman's raw emotions. No, this is not. It is just a repetition of her feelings for random men and her lamenting about illness.

✍️ Since she has lived before and after Indian independence, she could have added many incidents that would be quite useful for future generations. Again, No. She just explained her upper-middle-class love stuff.

✍️ The writing style is captivating, and it is like a smooth flow of water. She is the queen of both love and words. I particularly liked her time in Nalapat, and I want to read her books about that place.

✍️ One thing I understood from this book is that Kamala Das/Madhavikutty/Aami/Kamala Suraiyya loved everyone and everything in this universe. ❤️

[Subasreenee Muthupandi · Rating 3 out of 5]

புத்தகம் : என் கதை
எழுத்தாளர் : கமலா தாஸ்
பதிப்பகம் : காலச்சுவடு பதிப்பகம்
பக்கங்கள் : 159
நூலங்காடி: ஈரோடு புத்தகத் திருவிழா 2022
விலை : 171


🔆 தன் வாழ்க்கையில் நடந்த நிகழ்வுகள் சந்தித்த நபர்கள் பாதித்த விஷயங்கள் என அனைத்தையும் எந்த ஒரு அலங்கார பூச்சும் இல்லாமல் கூறியுள்ளார்.

🔆 அனைத்து மனிதர்களின் வாழ்க்கையில் நடந்திருக்கும் விஷங்கள் தான் என்றாலும் அதை பொதுவெளியில் சொல்ல ஒரு தைரியம் வேண்டும்.

🔆 சமூகத்தில் பெரிய அந்தஸ்து உள்ளவர்களின் மகளாக பிறந்து சிறுவயது நிகழ்வுகள், பள்ளிக்கூட நாட்கள், கணவருடன் இருந்த நாட்கள், இறுதியாக உடல்நிலை சரியில்லாமல் இருந்தது வரை எல்லாவற்றையும் பகிர்ந்துள்ளார்.

🔆 புத்தகத்தை நிச்சயமாக வாசிக்க வேண்டும் என இருந்த ஆர்வம், வாங்கும் போது இருந்த மகிழ்ச்சி ஏனோ இந்த புத்தகத்தை படித்த பின்பு இல்லை.



புத்தகங்களை படிப்போம் , பயன் பெறுவோம்,
புத்தகங்களால் இணைவோம் ,
பல வேடிக்கை மனிதரைப் போலே ,
நான் வீழ்வேனென்று நினைத்தாயோ – மகாகவி

சுபஸ்ரீனீ முத்துப்பாண்டி
வாசிப்பை நேசிப்போம்

[John Div · Rating 5 out of 5]

When you learn to swim
Do not enter a river that has no ocean
To flow into, one ignorant of destinations
and knowing only the flowing as its destiny,
Like the weary rivers of the blood
That bear the scum of ancient memories
But go, swim in the sea,
Go swim in the great blue sea,
Where the first tide you meet is your body,
That familiar pest,
But if you learn to cross it,
You are safe, yes, beyond it you are safe,
For even sinking would make no difference then....


During her era, I guess she was the only writer with grit and courage to explicitly write about her personal life and the shadow side of her family who are very well known in her state and throughout the sub-continent. She points out the double standard her family practiced when dealing with brutalities and lecherous acts practiced towards the serfs and peasants that worked for the family, the men knew no threshold and abused their own kind, especially the women. The discrimination and feudalistic nature of the caste system and the masquerade of fake integrity to match the eye alone. Kamala wanted to expose the so-called morally absolute upper-caste, starting from her family.

The amount of enemies she earned within her family and community is the most shocking; people belonging to her own community tried to kill her using sorcery and even trying to stop her book from being published.

Married off to an older man when she was fifteen had affected her life deeply, and I think that incident is what created and propelled her into becoming a writer, to attain release through the written word.

The chapters towards the end start with a poem and some of them are lovely to read, she has bared it all in her poems and has channelled her deep yearning and seeking into lovely lines. The book should be read by all men to really know the plight of the women trapped in body and time.


On sedatives
I am more lovable
Says my husband
My speech becomes a mist-laden terrain,
The words emerge tinctured with sleep,
They rise from still coves of dreams
In unhurried flight like herons,
And my ragdoll-limbs adjust better
To this versatile lust. He would if he could
Sing lullabies to his wife's sleeping soul,
Sweet lullabies to thicken its swoon.
On sedatives
I grow more loveable says my husband.

[Varsha Bhargavi · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thanks to my dear friend who gifted this book. I could resonate with the voice of the author Kamala Das in the beginning as she eloquently speaks of innermost thoughts of an average middle class Indian girl. But trails off later... Though she is much older, the lives of the girls haven't changed much in conservative patriarchal families even now.
While reading this book, I could sense the loneliness and longing of a woman all througout. At times I could see a slightest hint of an outspoken rebel who peeps in questioning the morality of Radha about her escapades with her paramour Krishna, branding her as an adultress whose sex life seemes untumultuous. But then that was only fleeting. I wish that tone lasted long enough. But as all others the focus, when tweaked on such instances were limited to the woman in question and never about men, which left me questioning the internalisation of applicable morality in women's lives.
Apart from that my heart was squeezed several times as I read the book when she nonchalantly writes about having a loveless marriage as a child bride.
Some narratives about the author's own escapades, I found that her men are insignificant and at times seem too good to be real. This left me wondering if she was delusional to a certain extent. There is a sense of extreme secrecy towards other characters/relationships Kamala Das had in her story. One thing got me wondering... if she was so close to her brother, which she claims during her younger years, and yet writes him off as someone who is far far away and not accessible to share her feelings with despite the childhood camaraderie. The author's loneliness is clearly evident and at times she sounds like a bored affluent housewife who is marinating in self-pity. Well, having 4 servants is affluent even during pre-independence era.
I say self-pity because it is only in the end Kamala Das, with a slight regret talks about no one coming forward to turn her dreams into reality. That bit irked me a little as no one will make anyone's dreams a reality. One has to work on their own. Pampered lot won't get it.
But overall a good read for someone who would like to peep into a lonely woman's mind who is looking for love.