Shades of Blue: Writers on Depression, Suicide, and Feeling Blue

by Amy Ferris (Editor)

The silent epidemic of depression affects millions of people and takes dozens of lives everyday, while our culture grapples with a stigma against open discussion of mental health issues. Editor Amy Ferris has collected these stories to illuminate the truth behind that stigma and offer compassion, solidarity, and hope for all those who have struggled with depression.  Contributors to Shades of Blue Barbara Abercrombie, Sherry Amatenstein, Regina Anavy, Chloe Caldwell, Jimmy Camp, Debra LoGuercio DeAngelo, Marika Rosenthal Delan, Hollye Dexter, Beverly Donofrio, Beth Bornstein Dunnington, Matt Ebert, Betsy Graziani Fasbinder, Zoe FitzGerald Carter, Pam L. Houston, David Lacy, Patti Linsky, Mark S. King, Caroline Leavitt, Karen Lynch, Lira Maywood, C.O. Moed, Mark Morgan, Linda Joy Myers, Christine Kehl O’Hagan, Jennifer Pastiloff, Ruth Pennebaker, Angela M. Giles Patel, Alexa Rosalsky, Elizabeth Rosner, Kathryn Rountree, Kitty Sheehan, Jenna Stone, judywhite, and Samantha White.  Shades of Blue brings the conversation around depression and sadness into the open with real, first-hand accounts of depression and mental health issues, offering empathy to all those who have been affected by these issues. It’s time to scream out loud against this silent We are not alone.

Genres: Nonfiction, Mental Health, Psychology, Essays, Poetry, Memoir, Mental Illness

256 pages, Paperback

First published September 29, 2015

Reviews

[Amanda Jane · Rating 3 out of 5]

Shades of Blue By Amy Ferris is collection of first hand experiences of mental illness that centres predominantly around depression.

This book is of a huge interest to me being one of the millions of people who suffer from this debilitating illness. In the introduction of this book, Amy Ferris talks about her own experiences with depression, her writing was inspiring even though mental illness is a tough subject.

I think this line from the preface sums up how I was feeling in high school with my first bout of depression...

"And I said to her—my friend—you know that saying, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, well, the truth is, there is no tunnel. No tunnel in the pitch blackness. Forget about finding the light at the end . . . you can’t even find the tunnel."

It is a horrible, bewildering and frightening headspace to be in. Kudos to Amy for describing that feeling so well!

Another point that was made clear is that most suicidal people want to live. Yes, that's right they do and how do I know this? I have gone to thoughts of suicide too many times to count! I can tell you this I DON'T want to die...I just want the emotional pain and sadness to STOP just as others do.

Most of the stories are enlightening but as a fellow sufferer some of the stories just made feel terribly sad to the point that I was sobbing like a baby. The majority of the ones that made me so upset were written from not sufferers themselves but from family members telling of what it does to them watching their loved ones go through this. The thing that upsets me is knowing how much it hurts and worries my family and friends, which in turn means that I am more inclined to try hide it from them and battle my demons secretly. At times it's like living two lives and I also hate to keep it secret because I see it as essentially lying to the people I love then guilt sets in making the dark clouds roll in even faster and darker. It becomes and endless vicious cycle.

This book is not a book I would suggest reading in just one or two sittings, the subject matter is tough and some of the stories are heartbreaking and extremely dark. If any of the stories are too heavy for you just leave it and go onto the next story.

I feel it would be better as a 'go to book' so I would suggest to mark your favoured stories that inspire you and when feeling down to read over those passages.
I would also be interested in knowing if this book has been read by any of the organisations that deal with Mental illness and Depression. My reason being is there are many stories that could possibly make someone's depression become worse or even trigger it...Some of the stories made me feel worse than better about my depression and I am just grateful that I was in a positive mindset whilst reading this.

Thank you to NetGalley, Seal Press and Amy Ferris for an advanced copy in exchanged for an honest and fair review.

3 out of 5 stars.

[Joseph · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very honest read. It certainly helps the severe depressive not feel singled out.

As a literary critique, a lot of these short stories end in a "matter-of-fact" sort of way.

At the time of review, I wrote and revised 100+ pages of original work and read and reviewed 40+ books in one month alone.

Copy and pasted rejection emails from publishing companies can be crippling.

When does life start feeling comfortable again?

[Jane · Rating 1 out of 5]

1.5 stars. There are 34 short essays in this collection, but only a small handful are compelling. Much of the writing here is unpolished or just mediocre and pedestrian. Many of the authors seem to primarily write blogs or internet columns, and this is obvious when we find, in many of the essays, a purple, overly ornate style, or an "artsy," "clever" approach that doesn't come off, or half-sentences, fragments, and staccato
Passages.
That.
Look.
Like.
This.

Or. Like. This.

In addition, most of the selections only skim the surface of the theme by sticking to basic plot: the life events of the authors related to depression, and the feelings of being depressed at that time. The whole meta layer is missing. Most of the essays do not delve into feelings about being depressed, and rarely move into the realm of complex analysis of emotions and thoughts. Ambivalence, contradiction and ambiguity are not much on display here. They even more rarely move into deeper explorations of the myriad meanings or functions depression can have or serve, or place depression into any larger context, or link depression to writing or the creative process, despite the book's limiting the contributors to writers, for some reason.

I highly recommend these two books instead:
Unholy Ghost: Writers on Depression
The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression

[Paula Phillips · Rating 4 out of 5]

For those readers who are familiar with my reviews, they will know that I often like to read the "edgy" stuff and one of those topics that I do find fascinating is mental health. Suicide is a topic, that is often still viewed as taboo but unfortunately we all know at least someone whether it be a close friend , relative , sibling or a friend of a friend who has committed suicide. For me , my best friend Daniel committed suicide when he was 18. When I was about that age to even now sometimes my mind has wandered to whether I should cross that line. I always had this excuse in the back of my mind that the reason I never went through with it was because I couldn't handle pain and I'm not one who can swallow pills - I have to take liquid medicine or dissovable. Then you have the side of us, that wants to live, love and look forward to the future. Shades of Blue was an anthology filled with short stories from a mixture of new and familiar authors featuring stories about suicide , suicidal thoughts, depression, extreme mental health. Most of the stories will pull at your heartstrings and if you are familiar with this side of life, then you may have your eyes well up as you read and think - this sounds like me. The Shades of Blue Anthology brings the conversation around depression and sadness into the open with real, first-hand accounts of depression and mental health issues, offering empathy to all those who have been affected by these issues.
If you are feeling down, not sure where to turn too and is sick of all the non-fiction self-help books being chucked your way as really, they don't understand what you are going through then Shades of Blue is the book for you as though it is fictional - it is a book that everyone and especially teens will be able to relate too.

[Stephanie ~~ · Rating 5 out of 5]

Speechless. Amy Ferris is able to beautifully cover topics that need to be part of the conversation globally, communally, and normalize speaking to the human experience. "Shades of Blue" was transformative and written with grace and gratitude.

[Gina Whitlock · Rating 4 out of 5]

It is difficult to read about debilitating depression, extreme sadness, and thoughts of ending one's life. However, I found comfort in this book in reading about the struggles to overcome the depression and feel respect for the authors that were brave enough to tell their stories.

[Becky Ginther · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a collection of essays on depression, and there is a huge range of perspectives from each of the writers. Some of them are hopeful. Some of them are not. Some of them were very relatable to me and some of them are less so. But the whole point is that it's showing the many sides of depression. A lot of it is focused on making you realize you're not alone, and that depression isn't something that should be ignored or ashamed of. And that's a really important message right now.

For a book like this it's easier for me just to share a bunch of the quotes or passages that really resonated with me, rather than try to write a review. So here are some things that touched my heart in some way:

"I was the woman who believed her heart to be infinitely vast and infinitely powerful. I was the woman who deserved to be chosen as the one he would never be able to leave, the one who would finally and irrevocably prove to him that he didn't need to cheat and leave. He didn't need to look anywhere else for anything." - Hello, Catastrophe by Elizabeth Rosner

"And just like a merry-go-round, I will know all of this when I go to sleep tonight. Knowing that my mind is not me. Knowing that my thoughts are not me. That my fears are not me." - The Merry-Go-Round, by Mark Morgan

"I now accept, without doubt, that depression is purely a result of the chemicals swimming in our brains, and we can choose those chemicals." - Thorazine, by Karen Lynch

"And depression, we all seem to know intuitively, is born of weakness. After all, you can't see depression on an x-ray, can you? You can't remove it surgically like a tumor, you can't see it like a rash on the surface of a body. It's hard, even, to describe it in a way that others really comprehend it." - Depression is a Patient Stalker, but Ruth Pennebaker

"Pain isn't a constant. There's an ebb and flow. Looking out a train window there can be a gorgeous view you want to hold on to but darn, you whizz past it. Then there's an ugly sight out the window you don't want to see. The train whizzes past that too." - Learning to Love my Depression, by Sherry Amatenstein

"'We're Irish,' I began, with a wry smile. 'So, you know, no one talks about anything. You know, whatever bad can happen, will happen. We whistle in the dark, as my father always said. We expect the worst, so when it comes, we're not surprised. Nothing surprised her, my mother always said. We panic if we have nothing to worry about. My family is the ultimate contradiction, like all Irish families. Creative and colorful, and wildly self-destructive." - Irish Wake-up Call, by Kitty Sheehan

"Some days I haven't even managed to brush my teeth because I am sitting by the front door with only one sock on and a bag of trash that I can't find the will to move." - Someday this Pain May Be Useful, by Jennifer Pastiloff

"I also keep thinking that, instead of hiding who I am, I should share it: I should tell you about what I'm experiencing, the full truth of it. And then, maybe my pain will somehow be useful to you, too." - Someday this Pain May Be Useful, by Jennifer Pastiloff

"'Somebody could have said all this to me when I was your age - I'm sure someone did - and it would have probably just made me double down. I had to do it as long as I had to do it, chase those nasty cowboys... I'm just saying, I guess, that there's another version, after this version, to look forward to. Because of wisdom or hormones or just enough years going by. If you live long enough you quit chasing things that hurt you; you eventually learn to hear the sound of your own voice.'" - A Kind of Quiet Most People Have Forgotten, by Pam L. Houston

"I realize I could make my own life. I could have my own ranch. I finally realized that I could be the cowboy." - A Kind of Quiet Most People Have Forgotten, by Pam L. Houston

"I'm beginning to understand that when we want to kill ourselves, it is not because we are lonely, but because we are trying to break up with the world before the world breaks up with us." - A Kind of Quiet Most People Have Forgotten, by Pam L. Houston

[Melissa · Rating 5 out of 5]

According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), approximately 1 in 5 adults in the United States — 43.8 million people (or 18.5%) -- experiences mental illness in a given year. In April 2016, The New York Times reported that suicide in the United States is at its highest level in three decades and in 2014, the year beloved comedian and actor Robin Williams took his life, nearly 43,000 people did the same.

Yet so many remain silent because of the overwhelming stigma surrounding mental health.

What’s even more powerful, though, is sharing our stories of depression, anxiety, and suicide to let others know that they’re not alone.

Robin Williams’ death was the catalyst for author, screenwriter, editor and playwright Amy Ferris “to turn that deep sadness – that deep dark shade of blue – into action.” The result of her efforts is Shades of Blue: Writers on Depression, Suicide and Feeling Blue, an anthology of 35 very powerful, very personal stories and experiences, including Ferris’ own, that shed a light on this devastating epidemic.

“The intention with this book was and is to save lives, to share our stories. to shout our truths,” writes Amy via Facebook, where her posts are extraordinarily insightful, direct, hilarious and usually laden with multiple uses (often in the same sentence) of the word fuck and its variations. Amy does not hold back anything, which is one of the many reasons I adore and admire her. “We need to end the stigma around depression,” she says. “We need to stop hiding. We’re all so very brave.”

“I look at the folks I know — some very personally, some on the periphery — who have gone through hell and back a million times,” Amy writes in her introductory piece, where she also shares her own story of her suicide attempt, “and they use their life every day to inspire, encourage, and awaken the good and greatness in others because they know what it was like to be flat-out broken, broken into little pieces.”

Shades of Blue is not an easy read, but make no mistake — it’s an important and necessary one. I cannot emphasize this enough. Someone you know needs you to read this book. Maybe that person is you. Someone needs you to share this with someone in your life.

Thirty-five people have courageously shared their most personal stories with the world in Shades of Blue. They are the stories of their own suicide attempts as well as the echoes of people who they’ve loved who took their lives. They are personal battles with addiction, depression, and anxiety.

The only way to review this book, I feel, is to let the essayists’ words do the talking. I think that’s only fair. Yet reading them, they can’t help but feel familiar because they are the words we have either spoken ourselves or the words we have heard from others in our lives.

Barbara Abercrombie “Riding With the Top Down”
“There’s something wrong with me. I thought I’d be an author, live in New York City have outlandish and interesting friends, travel the world, have plenty of money. But I’m facing the truth: I’ve been damaged goods from the day I was born. Whipping myself with my mind like this, I swallow maybe twenty pills … . It’s as though a dam breaks. I burst into tears and cry until dawn. And then I do something I never thought of before: I call the psychiatric clinic at the hospital.”

Marika Rosenthal Delan “Death, Depression, and Other Capital D Words”
“Who wants to die? I wonder if everyone feels like this? It must be normal, right? I tell myself that like George Bailey in It’s a Wonderful Life, all of us have been hopeless enough to consider jumping off a bridge. I convince myself it must be a given part of life to contemplate being out of one’s misery. I ruminate on all these things but don’t know if they’re really true. Haven’t we all wondered if life is worth all the trouble? Don’t we all start asking such questions when we reach the ripe old age of ten?”

Beth Bornstein Dunnington “Three Girls, Laughing”
“Because we didn’t want it to be true, didn’t believe it was even a possibility. What did we know in our twenties about that level of despair?”

“…what I take out of that video, out of that day, is that Rena held me up, told me I was it, that I would take the world by storm. Once she was gone, there was no one saying those exact words. No cheerleader saying, ‘Take it, it’s yours.’ There was a quiet space where there had once been so much sound.”

Amy Ferris
“And the truth is, the balls-out truth is this: those of us who suffer from bouts of depression, who don’t believe we’re good enough, who can barely make it out of bed some days, who struggle with self-esteem and the whole concept of self-love …when we use our own pain and suffering so that we can understand another person’s heart … it doesn’t eliminate our pain, or make it vanish, or go pouffff — but it does make it bigger than ourselves; it makes it worth the struggle.”

“Because even in the worst of times there is always something — a memory, albeit, a small teeny memory — that can reel us back in. Back. Home. It takes massive courage to say, ‘I’m not happy.’ To say and declare out loud, ‘Please, help me, hold me.’ It takes huge courage to share our lives — the messy, dirty, crappy, and complicated pieces of our lives.”

Mark S. King “Suicide, A Love Story”
“My prayers to survive the deadliest days, even above the lives of others, were answered with the loss of nearly everyone close to me … . I am often lost at the junction of guilt and gratitude The sorrow visits me without warning. It is the filter through which I see the graveyard, the photos found in a drawer of dear young friends who will not age, the borrowed clothes in my closet that need never be returned. The reminders are hidden bombs, sad remembrances waiting to detonate.”

“How many kinds of pain can we distinguish within our soul?”

Caroline Leavitt “Bye-bye, Crayola”
“Quantum physics says that there is no time, that its man-made, and that everything is happening all at once. I love hearing that. It means in a parallel universe, I can cradle my baby boy. I can kiss my toddler, and hug my grown-up college student. I can bring back those shining moments, and just for a little while, stay in them again.”

Angela M. Giles Patel “Medication Makes Me Whole”
“What is wrong with me is not a bump in the road, or a case of the blues, and it is not something that can be addressed by the right herbal tea. It is not a pothole, it is a fucking canyon — one I can only navigate with help. This is why I have to take two burgundy-colored capsules every morning. If I don’t, my mind turns against me. It’s not that I failed to become enlightened, it’s simply who I am. The kicker is that I am enlightened enough to know that who I am is someone whose mind can fail to be her friend.”

Other authors in this anthology include:
Sherry Amatenstein
Regina Anavy
Chloe Caldwell
Jimmy Camp
Zoe FitzGerald Carter
Debra LoGuerico DeAngelo
Hollye Dexter
Beverly Donofrio
Matt Ebert
Betsy Graziani Fasbinder
Pam L. Houston
David Lacy
Patti Linsky
Karen Lynch
Lira Maywood
C.O. Moed
Mark Morgan
Linda Joy Myers
Christine Kehl O’Hagan
Jennifer Pastiloff
Ruth Pennebaker
Alexa Rosalsky
Elizabeth Rosner
Kathyn Rountree
Kitty Sheehan
Jenna Stone
judywhite
Samantha White

[Samantha Bravo · Rating 5 out of 5]

"We don't write for profit, we write for freedom."

One of the beautifully written quotes I came upon while reading "Shades of Blue." Edited by Amy Ferris, a collection of stories from various editors about depression, suicide, and loosing someone close.

Yes, some of these stories were depressing, however, there were some that were inspiring and uplifting and just relatable.

"Time doesn't heal. It just makes the spaces in between pain grow longer and longer."

I couldn't agree more. I honestly don't believe when someone says, "it gets easier." We do have to move on, and continue life, but it doesn't get easier. We just have to believe it does.

"But memory can tournament even when the flashbacks are good, because you can yearn too hard and too long for those moments to return, to be equaled, to be surpassed."

Overall, great book. I recommend it to anyone looking for a book about life and things that suck about life.

[Rachel Jackson · Rating 1 out of 5]

Shades of Blue could have been a really interesting and informative book about the effects of depression and suicide on the writers' personal lives, but instead it was boring, repetitive sob stories from writers who didn't seem to be able to write. Editor Amy Ferris also didn't seem to be able to edit—in either the sense of proofreading writing riddled with errors, or compiling quality essays to include in such a collection. The book contains more than 30 essays from seemingly amateur authors about depression, but some of the essays weren't even about depression or suicide at all and only places for the writers to spout off some kind of life philosophy they think they've figured out. I can count on one hand how many of the essays in this collection I actually enjoyed. Depression and suicide are of course important and interesting topics, but Ferris' book is a disgrace to all the possible things that could be said about them.

[gel m · Rating 4 out of 5]

Before getting into this book, I legit thought I was going to get so triggered by reading the stories. I claimed that I wasn’t ready to read it and postponed ever reading it until now (got it last year maybe two years ago). To be honest, I didn’t really do any research at all. The reason I got the book in the first place was that my cousin was giving away some of her books. This was one of them that I took. Anyways, I finished reading it just now and it gave me weirdly a good feeling( I guess you can call it,hope). For someone that has dealt and stilling dealing with depression, it gave me this comfort. The comfort of knowing I’m not alone when my mind and thoughts are continuously betraying me. Just reading one of the stories and thinking, finally someone wrote what I couldn’t even explain or even write out. And its honestly not a self-help book or it is not the greatest book ever and it even might not be for everyone. But it has helped me with some peace of mind.

[Teea Sechrist · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this collection of short stories. I'm rating this book 4 stars because I wish there could have been a bit more diversity of authors. I felt like a wider spectrum of experiences would have been beneficial.

[Mario Mora · Rating 4 out of 5]

I just finished reading it, it was a pretty good book. A lot of the essays are forgettable, but there are a few that I will remember. It's not really much of an effective self-help book (if that's what they were aiming for), though.

[Kartika · Rating 3 out of 5]

Tough read. Interesting read. Eye-opening.

[Denise · Rating 4 out of 5]

Just read parts. Or read in parts. This book is very real.

[Jo · Rating 4 out of 5]

Taking on de[pression and suicide with compassion and humour is not easy but this book manages both.

[Nikki · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book contains 35 different stories by different people, about their account with depression, suicide and feeling blue.

Not all stories were interesting. Some of them did not interest me or did not mean much to me. Others were haunting and really touching.

I have my own account with depression and suicide, therefore I can relate to the stories. This is one of the few books where you get the truth, instead of the constant flow of hope where they tell you that things will get better and blah blah blah. Like Sherry Amatenstein says: “One day I may commit suicide. But I doubt it. There is always another choice.”

Great book.

[Sue · Rating 5 out of 5]

Taken all at once, this many essays on depression can be . . . depressing. But the quality of the writing and the bravery of all these writers, many of them well-known, admitting their problems is stunning. Many of the essays talk about suicide attempts, living with a bipolar condition or with depression so deep it paralyzes them with hopelessness. Some of the writers are grieving the suicide of a loved one. Most of the authors are finding ways to manage their problems while others are still searching. It’s amazing how much they have accomplished in spite of their emotional issues, writing best-selling books and movies, teaching, winning awards, and raising families. From their resumes, one would never guess their inner turmoil. All of the essays are good, from Beverly Donofrio’s “Riding with the Top Down” to Pam L. Houston’s “A Kind of Quiet Most People Have Forgotten.” We all know that some writers have emotional problems. Hemingway, Plath, Sexton, and Woolf come to mind. Which comes first, the writing or the depression? Maybe one can find some answers in this book. Just don't read it all at once.

[Christy · Rating 2 out of 5]

Not really sure how I feel about this book, if I'm being honest. It's cool because it's a compilation of different view points on a serious topic. However, I found this book very difficult to read. I tried to force myself to finish it, but I just couldn't. It puts me in a terrible mood and it's hard to read consistently for long periods of time because it's so depressing. If you want to read this book, I would suggest checking it out from the library and picking a few stories at random to read, then just be done with it. Not worth purchasing with your money and not worth keeping in your bookshelf.

[Michelle · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was honestly expecting a book that was not overly uplifting or optimistic, but that would at least contain stories from people who struggled with different kinds of mental health. I'd hoped to find stories I could relate to, to remind myself that I'm not alone when I'm struggling with these kinds of issues. Instead, I found a book full of people who had been in incredibly difficult situations and dark places, had survived, and were able to convey the joy and hope that they felt even while dealing with depression, suicidal thoughts, and more. There were of course some stories that I related to more than others, but every story had at least some tidbit that made me stop and take note.

[Brit Barkholtz · Rating 5 out of 5]

I cannot recommend highly enough "Shades of Blue" by Amy Ferris. Some will find it eye-opening about an experience they don't know or understand. Some will find deep, deep comfort in it in how familiar it feels and the sense of solidarity and understanding of offers. It takes courage to share stories like the ones in this book, particularly with how raw and honestly they are written. Read this book. You may find understanding and healing.

[Marcia Kellenberger · Rating 4 out of 5]

I chose to read this book as a way to get a deeper understanding of what it feels like to deal with depression and anxiety, to be in a place where dying seems like the best choice. It was hard to read -- and yet I could not stop reading. My hope is reading this book has given me a better understanding of the thoughts and feelings of people who are struggling and in pain -- and that it will ultimately result in me being more able to be listen with empathy and be present with them.

[Joe Rogers · Rating 4 out of 5]

A collection of short stories about depression & suicide from a wide range of contributors. I could definitely relate to many of the stories and it gave me a reference point to others I know with depression. It is not a happy book and I could only read a couple of stories at a time before putting the book away. It is not an easy book to read, but does provide insight in the thoughts and ideas that could go through someone's head that suffers from depression or is thinking about suicide.

[Serena · Rating 5 out of 5]

A strong collection of work about living with depression, suicidal feelings, surviving suicide attempts. A wide range of writers with a variety of backgrounds and degrees of mental illness. And I always appreciate it when people do not end on the, "and now everything is sunshine and roses" note.

[Dana · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5

[Stacey · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some great essays on Depression, Anxiety, Suicide and Mental Illness in this. I liked it.