In 1972 Lorene Cary left her home in Philadelphia for boarding school in New Hampshire. The school, St. Paul's, had only recently begun to accept female students; more pressingly, for Cary, there were very few black students or faculty.
Cary's boarding school tale shares themes common to many: she made friends, broke rules, excelled in some classes and struggled in others. Over the course of her two years at St. Paul's, she established herself as a campus leader. Her experience is one of ambivalence, though, of never quite trusting St. Paul's—in particular, the white students and teachers—but also beginning to appreciate some of what it has to offer, beginning to see more nuance.
I had not expected the gentle, tentative surge of gratitude I began to feel...for St. Paul's School, the spring, and the early morning. I needed the morning light and the warbling birds. I needed to find a way to live in this place for a moment and get the good of it. I had tried to hold myself apart, and the aloneness proved more terrible than what I had tried to escape. (152)
I struggled with two things in reading Black Ice. The first was the sense that Cary never quite separates her adult understanding from her teenage experience; I valued the perspective but at the same time never felt quite there. (This has at least as much to do with me as it does with the book, though, and with what I'm currently looking for in boarding school stories.)
It didn't occur to me that I never named my own mystery illness the spring before (except to misdiagnose it to friends as mono), because I'd been afraid to admit, even to my mother, how much I'd wanted to lie down somewhere and hide. Black women, tall and strong as cypress trees, didn't pull that. Pain and shame and cowardice and fear had to be kept secret. (192)
The other thing is more complicated. It's a story about race, for sure, although it's also about class and gender and sexuality and who knows what else. Despite her gradual appreciation for and acceptance of St. Paul's, Cary never shakes the feeling of being an outsider, of...not measuring up, I suppose. Not in terms of what the school expects of her, nor in terms of what she wants to be able to give back to her family and community.
Not one thought entered my head that did not seem disloyal. I was ashamed, seeing their pride close up, as if for the first time, at how little I had accomplished, how much I had failed to do at St. Paul's. Somewhere in the last two years I had forgotten my mission. What had I done, I kept thinking, that was worthy of their faith? How had I helped my race? How had I prepared myself for a meaningful future? ... They were right: only a handful of us got this break. I wanted to shout at them that I had squandered it. Now that it's all over, hey, I'm not your girl! I couldn't do it. (212)
But I struggled to understand why. Here she is at the end of her two years, a leader, on her way to an Ivy League school. It is much easier to see her internal struggle throughout the book than it is to see her external struggle—which I suppose was part of the problem, but there's nuance here that I'm sure I'm missing. Less a question of St. Paul's being (especially) racist, I suppose, than of the entire country being racist and St. Paul's being...I'm not sure. A symbol of the problem. Cary is understandably reluctant to be on the outside, to have to push boundaries (her own and others').
Again...pretty sure I'm missing some pieces. But it's an interesting book, and a complex one. A last quotation, just because it reminds me of my own experience:
"How come you got to start making the bed the minute your feet hit the floor? You need to lighten up, girl. Live a little!" Then she'd laugh, delighted with herself and at my inability to be angry with her. (176-177)