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Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Committment
Here is a powerful new program that can clear away the unconscious agreement patterns that undermine even your best intentions. Through their own marriage and through nearly forty years of experience transforming relationships with thousands of people, Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks have developed precise strategies to help you create a vital partnership and enhance the energy, creativity, and happiness of each individual. You will learn how to: let go of power struggles and need for control; balance needs for closeness and separateness; increase intimacy by telling the microscopic truth; communicate in a positive way that stops arguments; make agreements you can keep; and allow more pleasure into your life. Addressed to individuals as well as to couples, Conscious Loving will heal old hurts and deepen your capacity for enjoyment, security, and enduing love.
Runtime: 10. 59 hours, 1 MP3 CD
Runtime: 10. 59 hours, 1 MP3 CD
304 pages, Paperback
First published October 1, 1990
614 people are currently reading
5554 people want to read
About the author
Gay Hendricks
109 books504 followersDr. Gay Hendricks has served for more than 30 years as one of the major contributors to the fields of relationship transformation and body-mind therapies. Along with his wife, Dr. Kathlyn Hendricks, Gay is the author of many bestsellers, including Conscious Loving, At the Speed of Life, and Five Wishes.
Gay received his PhD in counseling psychology from Stanford University in 1974. After a 21-year career as a professor at the University of Colorado, he founded The Hendricks Institute, which offers seminars in North America, Asia, and Europe. He is also the founder of a new virtual learning center for transformation, Gaia Illumination University.
Throughout his career, Gay has done executive coaching with more than 800 executives, including the top management at such firms as Dell Computer, Hewlett Packard, Motorola, and KLM. His book, The Corporate Mystic, is used widely to train management in combining business skills and personal development tools.
In recent years he has also been active in creating new forms of conscious entertainment. In 2003, along with movie producer Stephen Simon, Gay founded the Spiritual Cinema Circle, which distributes inspirational movies to subscribers in more than 70 countries around the world. He was the executive producer of the feature film Conversations with God, and he has appeared on more than 500 radio and television shows, including Oprah, CNN, CNBC, 48 Hours, and others
Gay received his PhD in counseling psychology from Stanford University in 1974. After a 21-year career as a professor at the University of Colorado, he founded The Hendricks Institute, which offers seminars in North America, Asia, and Europe. He is also the founder of a new virtual learning center for transformation, Gaia Illumination University.
Throughout his career, Gay has done executive coaching with more than 800 executives, including the top management at such firms as Dell Computer, Hewlett Packard, Motorola, and KLM. His book, The Corporate Mystic, is used widely to train management in combining business skills and personal development tools.
In recent years he has also been active in creating new forms of conscious entertainment. In 2003, along with movie producer Stephen Simon, Gay founded the Spiritual Cinema Circle, which distributes inspirational movies to subscribers in more than 70 countries around the world. He was the executive producer of the feature film Conversations with God, and he has appeared on more than 500 radio and television shows, including Oprah, CNN, CNBC, 48 Hours, and others
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 150 reviews
December 26, 2011
When I ordered this book, I did not realize that it dealt with love within marital relationships and not love in general, as in the book ”Love for no reason” by Marci Shimoff, but nonetheless I was by no means disappointed once I got into it. I have learnt much from it – it provides material that I have not found elsewhere.
We learn how to transform co-dependent relationships into co-committed relationships.
Co-dependence is “an agreement between people to stay locked in unconscious patterns”. Co-commitment is an agreement to become more conscious. When we are co-dependent, we do not have relationships but “entanglements”. Co-dependence is “an addiction to control and approval”. A co-committed relationship is one in which two or more people “support each other in being whole, complete individuals”.
In our quest towards achieving co-committed relationships, Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks take their basis in their own long-standing relationship. They too have had problems and issues and they here show us how they worked through them.
There are three main patterns of behaviour seen in co-dependent relationships – withholding, withdrawal and projection. Withholding is “when you keep inside you things that should be expressed”. Withdrawal is when “you pull back from contact”. Projection is when “you attribute to another person something that is actually going on at an unconscious level within yourself”.
Examples are provided of unconscious deals made by those in co-dependent relationships: 1) Let’s both agree not to look into certain areas of our lives 2) If you don’t change, I won’t either. 3) Let’s focus our attention on alcohol (or food or drugs) instead of solving our problems. 4) If you do all the thinking, I’ll do all the feeling.
The authors identify six core commitments essential in transforming co-dependence.: 1) I commit myself to full closeness, and I commit myself to cleaning up anything in the way of my ability to do so. 2) I commit myself to my own complete development as an individual. 3) I commit to revealing myself fully in my relationships, not to concealing myself. 4) I commit myself to the full empowerment of people around me. 5) I commit to acting from the awareness that I am 100 percent the source of my reality (a basic one in my opinion). 6) I commit myself to having a good time in my close relationships.
Moreover, three fundamental requirements are 1) Feel all your feelings 2) Tell the microscopic truth 3) Keep your agreements.
The book is packed with psychological insights, or perhaps rather disclosures leading to such on the part of the reader, together with detailed information about how to work with oneself and one’s relationships.
We are given valuable questions to aid us in discovering what action to take to expedite the process of transforming our lives:
1. What feelings have I separated myself from?
2. What relationships have I felt incomplete?
3. What do I need to do to complete them?
4. What agreements have I broken and not cleaned up?
5. What have I said I would do that I have not done?
6. What have I agreed not to do that I have done?
7. What communications have I left unsaid?
8. What have I started and not finished?
9. To whom do I owe money?
10. Whom do I need to forgive?
11. To whom do I owe appreciation?
Part Two of the book is composed of useful activities for transforming your relationship.
The authors provide a final insight: once you have begun to tell the microscopic truth to each other, saying what you want directly, and experiencing and expressing your true feelings, you may begin to see that all your issues are really one – how much positive energy can I handle? This matter of having difficulty in dealing with positive energy is gone into in detail throughout the book.
To sum up, this is a well-written, deeply insightful book that will transform your relationship with your partner, if you read it and follow the authors’ advice, carrying out the suggested techniques. I highly recommend it.
We learn how to transform co-dependent relationships into co-committed relationships.
Co-dependence is “an agreement between people to stay locked in unconscious patterns”. Co-commitment is an agreement to become more conscious. When we are co-dependent, we do not have relationships but “entanglements”. Co-dependence is “an addiction to control and approval”. A co-committed relationship is one in which two or more people “support each other in being whole, complete individuals”.
In our quest towards achieving co-committed relationships, Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks take their basis in their own long-standing relationship. They too have had problems and issues and they here show us how they worked through them.
There are three main patterns of behaviour seen in co-dependent relationships – withholding, withdrawal and projection. Withholding is “when you keep inside you things that should be expressed”. Withdrawal is when “you pull back from contact”. Projection is when “you attribute to another person something that is actually going on at an unconscious level within yourself”.
Examples are provided of unconscious deals made by those in co-dependent relationships: 1) Let’s both agree not to look into certain areas of our lives 2) If you don’t change, I won’t either. 3) Let’s focus our attention on alcohol (or food or drugs) instead of solving our problems. 4) If you do all the thinking, I’ll do all the feeling.
The authors identify six core commitments essential in transforming co-dependence.: 1) I commit myself to full closeness, and I commit myself to cleaning up anything in the way of my ability to do so. 2) I commit myself to my own complete development as an individual. 3) I commit to revealing myself fully in my relationships, not to concealing myself. 4) I commit myself to the full empowerment of people around me. 5) I commit to acting from the awareness that I am 100 percent the source of my reality (a basic one in my opinion). 6) I commit myself to having a good time in my close relationships.
Moreover, three fundamental requirements are 1) Feel all your feelings 2) Tell the microscopic truth 3) Keep your agreements.
The book is packed with psychological insights, or perhaps rather disclosures leading to such on the part of the reader, together with detailed information about how to work with oneself and one’s relationships.
We are given valuable questions to aid us in discovering what action to take to expedite the process of transforming our lives:
1. What feelings have I separated myself from?
2. What relationships have I felt incomplete?
3. What do I need to do to complete them?
4. What agreements have I broken and not cleaned up?
5. What have I said I would do that I have not done?
6. What have I agreed not to do that I have done?
7. What communications have I left unsaid?
8. What have I started and not finished?
9. To whom do I owe money?
10. Whom do I need to forgive?
11. To whom do I owe appreciation?
Part Two of the book is composed of useful activities for transforming your relationship.
The authors provide a final insight: once you have begun to tell the microscopic truth to each other, saying what you want directly, and experiencing and expressing your true feelings, you may begin to see that all your issues are really one – how much positive energy can I handle? This matter of having difficulty in dealing with positive energy is gone into in detail throughout the book.
To sum up, this is a well-written, deeply insightful book that will transform your relationship with your partner, if you read it and follow the authors’ advice, carrying out the suggested techniques. I highly recommend it.
November 22, 2019
I have already wrote my responses to this book as I updated my reading progress.
Just want to add 3 points:
The connection between bodily experiences and feelings that's emphasized throughout the book is fascinating. I've been trying to "locate me feelings in my body" as the authors suggest, and it does actually work. When I let myself feel the feelings in my body, I am more in touch with them. I can process everything more clearly, and feel lighter/more open.
Im not sure how I feel about the activities presented in the last chapter. Some of them were so powerful I could feel something shifting in my thoughts and feelings just by reading (and not completely doing) them. Some others only elicited a "you got to be kidding me" response from me, as they seem to oversimplify the issues they're trying to address. I don't know. I guess I'll try them anyway.
I feel like many of the ideas in this book are coming from a place of privilege. White privilege, to be specific. There's an underlying belief that all the threats that people feel or see in the world, or at least the way poeple are impacted by them, are products of their own mindset. Being inherently safe in one's body is white privilege. It was annoying to read it presented as a universal state of being.
Nevertheless, The ideas in this book have already helped me shift my perspective in some of the challenges I'm dealing with in my relationship, without me exactly trying to integrate them. It has also opened many doors for me to think about some behavior patterns that I've been trying to change for years now.
I think everyone will find something helpful in this book.
PS: the level of heteronormativity though...
Just want to add 3 points:
The connection between bodily experiences and feelings that's emphasized throughout the book is fascinating. I've been trying to "locate me feelings in my body" as the authors suggest, and it does actually work. When I let myself feel the feelings in my body, I am more in touch with them. I can process everything more clearly, and feel lighter/more open.
Im not sure how I feel about the activities presented in the last chapter. Some of them were so powerful I could feel something shifting in my thoughts and feelings just by reading (and not completely doing) them. Some others only elicited a "you got to be kidding me" response from me, as they seem to oversimplify the issues they're trying to address. I don't know. I guess I'll try them anyway.
I feel like many of the ideas in this book are coming from a place of privilege. White privilege, to be specific. There's an underlying belief that all the threats that people feel or see in the world, or at least the way poeple are impacted by them, are products of their own mindset. Being inherently safe in one's body is white privilege. It was annoying to read it presented as a universal state of being.
Nevertheless, The ideas in this book have already helped me shift my perspective in some of the challenges I'm dealing with in my relationship, without me exactly trying to integrate them. It has also opened many doors for me to think about some behavior patterns that I've been trying to change for years now.
I think everyone will find something helpful in this book.
PS: the level of heteronormativity though...
February 29, 2008
I picked up a copy of this book when my brother gave his to our father, saying, "I couldn't find another one, but this is so important that I'm giving you my own."
Since then, I've filled it with underlines, markings, and marginal notes, built long and loving relationships on its principles, and loved it so thoroughly that I've rebound it a few times with medical tape from my first-aid kit.
And the book has returned the favor; it has restored the binding of myself – that which keeps me together, maintains my integrity – each time I return to it for aid.
It's hard for me now to tease out which parts of myself were learned as a result of reading this book. So much of who I am in the world is informed and/or inspired by these ideas. When I return to them, wherever I am, it keeps getting better.
Since then, I've filled it with underlines, markings, and marginal notes, built long and loving relationships on its principles, and loved it so thoroughly that I've rebound it a few times with medical tape from my first-aid kit.
And the book has returned the favor; it has restored the binding of myself – that which keeps me together, maintains my integrity – each time I return to it for aid.
It's hard for me now to tease out which parts of myself were learned as a result of reading this book. So much of who I am in the world is informed and/or inspired by these ideas. When I return to them, wherever I am, it keeps getting better.
November 6, 2022
I thought this book was phenomenal! So many great frameworks to take away.
The central distinction between unconscious loving/codependency and conscious loving/co-commitment was great. The 6 commitments that you should make in a conscious relationship (being close, developing as an individual, revealing yourself fully, empowering others, owning 100% responsibility for your reality, and having a good time) were excellent. I particularly am trying to work on “revealing myself”—I loved the concept of telling “microscopic truths” about where you feel emotion in your body as a means to this.
Also thought the concept of the “upper limits” problem, where we can self-sabotage if we start to feel too happy, was fascinating. It was really helpful to see all the ways childhood experiences connect to the scripts we use today. Lots of fun psychological insights!
I took away lots of really actionable stuff and definitely feel this book impacted my worldview and communication tools for the better. Thank you Nicole for the recommendation!
The central distinction between unconscious loving/codependency and conscious loving/co-commitment was great. The 6 commitments that you should make in a conscious relationship (being close, developing as an individual, revealing yourself fully, empowering others, owning 100% responsibility for your reality, and having a good time) were excellent. I particularly am trying to work on “revealing myself”—I loved the concept of telling “microscopic truths” about where you feel emotion in your body as a means to this.
Also thought the concept of the “upper limits” problem, where we can self-sabotage if we start to feel too happy, was fascinating. It was really helpful to see all the ways childhood experiences connect to the scripts we use today. Lots of fun psychological insights!
I took away lots of really actionable stuff and definitely feel this book impacted my worldview and communication tools for the better. Thank you Nicole for the recommendation!
April 19, 2022
This was recommended to me by a friend (who took recommendations from Twitter). There are some useful nuggets in this book, but it is pretty simple and limited in scope. Main message is “codependency bad.” That’s obvious—it’s nice that there were several anecdotes that showed how codependency can be destructive. Another interesting concept is the “upper limit”, borrowed from drug addiction therapy.
However I found that this book was:
- very heteronormative. I get that this book is written in 2009.
- somewhat victim blame-y, surprisingly. It acknowledge that abuse victims are victims, but also said that victims needed to acknowledged how they contributed to the abuse, which can be incredibly gaslighting
- believes that healthy coupling must have an equal power balance. This isn’t really backed up by anything; it’s an axiom in the authors’ point of view. It fails to account for consensual power imbalances, such as women-led relationships or BDSM
- lack of a critical systemic lens as to why humans tend toward drama and chaos. It’s just taken as fact without much explanation, such as intergenerational trauma or cultural factors. It reads as a huge assumption that the reader is forced to agree with. It also assumed that if someone fails to advocate for themselves in a relationships, it is 100% their responsibility. There is nearly 0 mention of community involvement
- really casual in saying this one lady at a dinner party was a narcissist because she couldn’t take a compliment. LMFAO. This dropped a lot of credibility to me
I know there are some metaphysical ideas in this book that may bother people. They personally didn’t bother me, but I can see how it could.
If you go into this expecting this to be a professionally written, impartial account of relationships, you will probably be disappointed. This was a somewhat insightful read as a thoroughly detailed blog post.
However I found that this book was:
- very heteronormative. I get that this book is written in 2009.
- somewhat victim blame-y, surprisingly. It acknowledge that abuse victims are victims, but also said that victims needed to acknowledged how they contributed to the abuse, which can be incredibly gaslighting
- believes that healthy coupling must have an equal power balance. This isn’t really backed up by anything; it’s an axiom in the authors’ point of view. It fails to account for consensual power imbalances, such as women-led relationships or BDSM
- lack of a critical systemic lens as to why humans tend toward drama and chaos. It’s just taken as fact without much explanation, such as intergenerational trauma or cultural factors. It reads as a huge assumption that the reader is forced to agree with. It also assumed that if someone fails to advocate for themselves in a relationships, it is 100% their responsibility. There is nearly 0 mention of community involvement
- really casual in saying this one lady at a dinner party was a narcissist because she couldn’t take a compliment. LMFAO. This dropped a lot of credibility to me
I know there are some metaphysical ideas in this book that may bother people. They personally didn’t bother me, but I can see how it could.
If you go into this expecting this to be a professionally written, impartial account of relationships, you will probably be disappointed. This was a somewhat insightful read as a thoroughly detailed blog post.
December 31, 2013
It has taken me a while to read and assimilate this book but it was worth the time and effort. This work presents a concise and easy to understand guide to the working of our conscious and unconscious minds, the roles we play and the projections we make that prevent us from having genuine and meaningful relationships. It also outlines the path to achieving an authentic relationship with oneself and others. I was very grateful for the final part of the book which provided exercises meant to help overcome some pitfalls in personal development, which I've been stumbling over for years.
I recommend this book to anyone who wants to experience their life more fully, no matter if they're in a relationship or not.
I recommend this book to anyone who wants to experience their life more fully, no matter if they're in a relationship or not.
October 6, 2018
This book just says "be honest with your partner" over and over again. Also filled with quack science where they draw correlations between things without actually explaining what they're talking about in any scientific terms or elaborating in a way that comes across as anything more than hippie drivel. I don't even have a problem with hippies. I have a lot of problems with this book though. The final straw was when they described a patient being molested by his mother as her "scrubbing his genitals as a way of expressing her anger towards his father" instead of, ya know, addressing the molestation. Terrible. I literally screamed.
The best take away I got is that it is important to acknowledge your emotions and let yourself feel them to their completion, as well as being fully honest with your partner as best you can be. Otherwise I am left frustrated.
The best take away I got is that it is important to acknowledge your emotions and let yourself feel them to their completion, as well as being fully honest with your partner as best you can be. Otherwise I am left frustrated.
March 22, 2023
This book took me a LONG time to fully read. I’ve started it a few times and just couldn’t get into it. I love self-help books and relationship books, and my therapist recommended this one. But ugh. It just didn’t get me….maybe one day I’ll pick it up again and be more intentional and it’ll be different ? But 🤷🏻♀️ just didn’t do it for me
January 5, 2009
No, nothing new. Which is precisely what makes this so good. This is the stuff of time-tested common sense, the stuff of that inner voice of wisdom, the one that is always trying to steer you in the right direction, even as you kick and scream and resist, intent on remaining on the old path of repeated and repeated and repeated cycles. We repeat them until we learn the lesson. Resolve the dilemma. Solve the puzzle.
If the Hendricks message is to be boiled down to one catch-phrase, it would simply be: "wake up." It is not so much about change, as it is about living with our eyes open, fully aware (conscious) of why we do what we do, how we feel while we are doing it, and which way we will go next. Instead of moving through a fog, we instead make conscious choices.
If we can add one concept to that catch-phrase, it would be the concept of accountability. Relationships, and not just romantic ones, tend to bog down most when we get busy issuing blame and pointing fingers. Hendricks proposes that we are all, each and every one of us, to be held accountable for our own lives. No victims, no martyrs. And co-dependents, out with you. A satisfying relationship is one that takes place between two people who make a 100 percent (each) commitment (nothing less will do or failure has room to enter) to themselves and to each other. It begins with a promise to be authentic to ourselves and to always tell what Hendricks calls "the microscopic truth." Our lives are what we make them. And if we don't like our lives, well, it is up to each of us to make the necessary changes. We must be honest with ourselves above all, but we must respect our mates with utmost honesty as well. It is the only solid building block that holds up a strong and satisfying relationship.
One might balk at the wrongs done us, and oh the pity parties we do enjoy, when we are lied to and cheated on and our backs wear the footprints of others. But consider how far one gets in improving that situation when busy whining "I'm a victim! poor sap me!" and when one instead takes a moment to consider: how did I manifest this? How have I taught others to treat me? Have I made my personal boundaries clear? Have I offered and insisted upon honesty? Have I rescued my mate from the natural outcome of his or her bad behavior, thus robbing them of a learning experience? Have I been true to myself and expressed how I feel? It is not about letting our mates off the hook for bad behavior; that's dishonest, too. We hold our partners fully accountable, too. But it is a realization that we are not merely innocent bystanders in the soap operas of our lives. The sooner we understand our own part in the drama, the sooner we can enjoy true intimacy and equality with a mate we value and who values us.
I read this Hendricks' book as I recently read "Conscious Living" -- with relish. I like the idea of being accountable for my life; it keeps the reins for my happiness in my own hands, after all. And there is so much more to see and enjoy when I make a decision to live my life with eyes wide open. My beloved is sharing this book with me. We are each reading it with a highlighter in hand, noting what resonates. Much has been learned already. I look forward to what new levels we might reach in this most basic if not highest human longing -- to walk shoulder to shoulder with our best life friend, empowering ourselves and each other to be the best we can be.
If the Hendricks message is to be boiled down to one catch-phrase, it would simply be: "wake up." It is not so much about change, as it is about living with our eyes open, fully aware (conscious) of why we do what we do, how we feel while we are doing it, and which way we will go next. Instead of moving through a fog, we instead make conscious choices.
If we can add one concept to that catch-phrase, it would be the concept of accountability. Relationships, and not just romantic ones, tend to bog down most when we get busy issuing blame and pointing fingers. Hendricks proposes that we are all, each and every one of us, to be held accountable for our own lives. No victims, no martyrs. And co-dependents, out with you. A satisfying relationship is one that takes place between two people who make a 100 percent (each) commitment (nothing less will do or failure has room to enter) to themselves and to each other. It begins with a promise to be authentic to ourselves and to always tell what Hendricks calls "the microscopic truth." Our lives are what we make them. And if we don't like our lives, well, it is up to each of us to make the necessary changes. We must be honest with ourselves above all, but we must respect our mates with utmost honesty as well. It is the only solid building block that holds up a strong and satisfying relationship.
One might balk at the wrongs done us, and oh the pity parties we do enjoy, when we are lied to and cheated on and our backs wear the footprints of others. But consider how far one gets in improving that situation when busy whining "I'm a victim! poor sap me!" and when one instead takes a moment to consider: how did I manifest this? How have I taught others to treat me? Have I made my personal boundaries clear? Have I offered and insisted upon honesty? Have I rescued my mate from the natural outcome of his or her bad behavior, thus robbing them of a learning experience? Have I been true to myself and expressed how I feel? It is not about letting our mates off the hook for bad behavior; that's dishonest, too. We hold our partners fully accountable, too. But it is a realization that we are not merely innocent bystanders in the soap operas of our lives. The sooner we understand our own part in the drama, the sooner we can enjoy true intimacy and equality with a mate we value and who values us.
I read this Hendricks' book as I recently read "Conscious Living" -- with relish. I like the idea of being accountable for my life; it keeps the reins for my happiness in my own hands, after all. And there is so much more to see and enjoy when I make a decision to live my life with eyes wide open. My beloved is sharing this book with me. We are each reading it with a highlighter in hand, noting what resonates. Much has been learned already. I look forward to what new levels we might reach in this most basic if not highest human longing -- to walk shoulder to shoulder with our best life friend, empowering ourselves and each other to be the best we can be.
July 24, 2008
Probably the most profound relationship book written. Very deep and dense, but worth the read. I think this is the staple for anyone interested in a conscious relationship. What I love about this book as it addresses, what I believe the only real problem in life: how much fun can you have, both in relationship and life? The Hendricks call it the "Upper Limits Problem" and by far the most advance tool I've ever had in enjoying my life. Totally recommend it. Plus, the appendix has so many processes the reader can do, whether your single or in a relationship. I would say the best tools possible to connect with another person, especially the breathing techniques. This material saved my life.
December 31, 2018
Very good book; I would suggest you read it in conjunction with Jan Geurtz's Addicted to love.
March 5, 2018
The authors seemed to jump to conclusions. While I believe it is possible the author's mother's return to work when he was 6 traumatized him it seems pretty unscientific to be 100% confident in something that happened when you were 6.
December 3, 2021
This book was both fantastic and hard to read. The message of the book is healing and I understood the value in that. So, despite it being hard to read because it feels like the book shows you all the flaws about yourself that you’ve been putting aside, I sat down and finished it. There are concepts in this book that are immensely valuable: telling the microscopic truth, being aware of where our actions come from, setting boundaries, communicating clearly. I’m wish that more people in society learn, understand, and practice the contents of the book.
July 11, 2011
I read this while visiting my father in Ohio. No relationshippy book has ever spoken so urgently to me -- and I've read a few. Self-help is my guilty pleasure -- some adults read romance or Harry Potter on the sly. I like the Why Martian Men Who Love Too Much Are Peter Pans In The Bedroom, and Is Your Dog Co-Dependent genre.
The authors write matter-of-factly about many taboo subjects in relationships that have frankly puzzled me for years. What's really happening with us when we begin to (again) dance the same old dysfunctional dance with a new partner? How prevalent is projection (it's unavoidable and we all do it to some degree) and how does it distort relationships (in a matter of seconds). What is a power struggle and how do you break its grip on your relationship? The answers this husband/wife writing team give us are original and revolutionary. For instance, in any given power struggle or argument in which blame and criticism are creeping in, the Hendricks insist that there is 200% responsibility to be taken for the situation, and that each partner must, always, both take 200%. Why? Because we are each of us 100% responsible for our present reality, whatever this might look like. The details of this idea fascinate me, and as the authors brush up against realms of mysticism and spirituality in love-relationships, they are at their most inspirational.
Yet practicality is a central component of this book. For instance, many people mistake an addiction to adrenaline and a need for approval for love. In love, you are fed blissfully high levels of approval, which feeds the real adrenaline of this genuine addiction. Approval junkies are, in more common psycho-parlance, co-dependents. They are driven by their unconscious needs into false 'entanglements', not relationships. Practically speaking, many, many people are not in real relationships (defined in this book as being between two whole, conscious people), but merely spinning their wheels in entanglements.
This book is written with a loving, compassionate, optimistic voice. The authors never pathologize the offenders in their case studies; rather, they make a point of repeating the notion that we have virtually no choice, any of us, in the matter of dysfunctional behavior in our love relationships. The work that needs be done, though, is a choice we can make ... and it will help see us through to the intimacy and love we desire so much with our mates. This book is an inspiration and I recommend it to anyone who ever fell in love, became disenchanted, and can't explain what happened in the interim.
The authors write matter-of-factly about many taboo subjects in relationships that have frankly puzzled me for years. What's really happening with us when we begin to (again) dance the same old dysfunctional dance with a new partner? How prevalent is projection (it's unavoidable and we all do it to some degree) and how does it distort relationships (in a matter of seconds). What is a power struggle and how do you break its grip on your relationship? The answers this husband/wife writing team give us are original and revolutionary. For instance, in any given power struggle or argument in which blame and criticism are creeping in, the Hendricks insist that there is 200% responsibility to be taken for the situation, and that each partner must, always, both take 200%. Why? Because we are each of us 100% responsible for our present reality, whatever this might look like. The details of this idea fascinate me, and as the authors brush up against realms of mysticism and spirituality in love-relationships, they are at their most inspirational.
Yet practicality is a central component of this book. For instance, many people mistake an addiction to adrenaline and a need for approval for love. In love, you are fed blissfully high levels of approval, which feeds the real adrenaline of this genuine addiction. Approval junkies are, in more common psycho-parlance, co-dependents. They are driven by their unconscious needs into false 'entanglements', not relationships. Practically speaking, many, many people are not in real relationships (defined in this book as being between two whole, conscious people), but merely spinning their wheels in entanglements.
This book is written with a loving, compassionate, optimistic voice. The authors never pathologize the offenders in their case studies; rather, they make a point of repeating the notion that we have virtually no choice, any of us, in the matter of dysfunctional behavior in our love relationships. The work that needs be done, though, is a choice we can make ... and it will help see us through to the intimacy and love we desire so much with our mates. This book is an inspiration and I recommend it to anyone who ever fell in love, became disenchanted, and can't explain what happened in the interim.
June 23, 2014
Oh wow. I think this is the *the best book I have ever read* on relationships. It tackles the hard topics like co-dependence, projection, entanglement, and more not only in a clear, succinct way where you finally say "OHHH! I get it now!', but also gives you practical exercises and advice to then break free and challenge some of these relationship-threatening tendencies on the journey to 'co-creation'. Absolutely fabulous.
And I won't lie. Sometimes hard to look straight in the face. This book awakens that inner demon inside that 'makes' you say things with less than integrity/love to your partner, or even your friend relationships. If you take it seriously and allow yourself to grow, the amount of evolution you will have in your own life is jaw dropping. I have read it once, and will read it again and again. I may even buy a few copies as gifts for those who ask about it - it's just one of those books.
And I won't lie. Sometimes hard to look straight in the face. This book awakens that inner demon inside that 'makes' you say things with less than integrity/love to your partner, or even your friend relationships. If you take it seriously and allow yourself to grow, the amount of evolution you will have in your own life is jaw dropping. I have read it once, and will read it again and again. I may even buy a few copies as gifts for those who ask about it - it's just one of those books.
November 29, 2018
A wonderful, beautiful and soulful book.
April 9, 2021
50% of this book is brilliant insights about relationships, intimacy, and the importance of honesty and emotion.
Unfortunately, the other 50% is filled with repetitive examples and psychoanalytical nonsense. I understand that a lot of relational issues can stem from childhood, but it feels too Freudian to think that ALL your issues may be related to your father and mother. When the author suggested that many issues may start from before birth or from the moment of conception, that’s when I knew we were in trouble.
There are moments of wisdom and insight, but they are clouded by the moments of absurdity.
Unfortunately, the other 50% is filled with repetitive examples and psychoanalytical nonsense. I understand that a lot of relational issues can stem from childhood, but it feels too Freudian to think that ALL your issues may be related to your father and mother. When the author suggested that many issues may start from before birth or from the moment of conception, that’s when I knew we were in trouble.
There are moments of wisdom and insight, but they are clouded by the moments of absurdity.
January 1, 2009
hmm. what can i say. i highly recommend this for anyone who wants to truly work on a honest relationship. after numerous of self help books, this one in particular is special because its so positive, hopeful and the ultimate goal is co-creativity. but after three years I am still on step 2 of the 7 steps to co-comittment. but watch out, you might not be ready for how good it is. gay and catherine might blow your mind.
January 7, 2022
Big Idea: We all need closeness and space. In a close relationship, we have two distinct needs - closeness and independence. In a co-committed relationship, both of these needs are acknowledged and celebrated.
The 'Upper Limits Problem' - we are programmed so that we can’t feel too good for too long without evoking negative emotions to bring ourselves down
An Alternative to the Have Fun - Crash - Get Close - Have a Fight Pulsation:
- Positive - Rest - Positive - Rest
- Get Close - Rest at the New Level - Get Close - Rest at the New Level Until it’s completely integrated
To do this you must be vigilant over the ways you bring yourself down.
Codependence is fostered when two people unconsciously agree to be the partners in each other’s dramas - 'if you won’t make me change my self destructive patters, I won’t make you change yours. If you’ll let me project my childhood issues onto you, I’ll be the target for yours.'
The Stages of a 'Closeness' Relationship
- Romance
- Inevitable problems arise
- Trust issues
- Authority issues
- Self esteem issues
- Long repressed feelings
- Sexual issues
- The Choice Point - whether a relationship becomes co-committed or codependent
- Choice A
- Inquire into the source of your issues, take full responsibility for them, and tell the full truth about them to your partner
- Learn to see and love the previously unloved parts of yourself that are emerging
- Ride to a new level of intimacy
- Choice B - withhold (want something but fail to ask, swallow your anger), withdraw, and project
- the payoff
The Essential Co-commitments
- I commit myself to being close and I commit myself to clearing up anything in the way of my ability to do so
- I commit myself to my own complete development as an individual
- I commit to revealing myself fully in my relationships, not to conceal myself
- I commit myself to the full empowerment of people around me
- I commit to acting from the awareness that I am 100% the source of my reality
- I commit myself to having a good time in my close relationships
The Three Fundamental Requirements for Co-Committed Relationships
- Feel all your feelings
- Tell the microscopic truth
- Many people think that they withhold the truth because they don’t want others to feel bad, but perhaps they withhold the truth because they don’t want to deal with the consequences of their spouse’s bad feelings
- Sometime people don’t tell the truth because they rarely witness the truth being spoken
- Keep your agreements
- In codependent relationships partners keep unconscious agreements rather than conscious, spoken agreements - ‘I’ll let you keep drinking and beating the kids if you don’t leave me’
- Some people emotionally tangle the act of making and keeping commitments with their anger at authority figures - ‘because my boss is such a jerk, it’s okay to make long distance calls at the company’s expense’
Deals to limit awareness of valid problems in a relationship:
- Blame [Blame keeps the attention focused on externals]
- Numbing out
- Power struggle
- Illness and Accidents
Generally speaking, we tend to see around us those things that we are afraid to confront within ourselves - this is the basis of projection.
Co-commitment is each partner making themselves 100% responsible for the relationship.
More Common Ways People in Relationships Being Themselves Down
- Deflecting Positive Energy [this is actually a form of narcissism]
- Avoiding it altogether
- Staying attached to the past [and avoid the possibilities of the present]
- Worry thoughts [usually worry prevents effective action, rather than promoting positive action]
- Arguments [people often get caught up in the content of an argument, not the process - when and where you argue, not what you argue about
- An example given involves a “juicy and seductive argument” that they could not see the process - that they just spent some time being close, that they needed some time apart, but neither one was proactive about requesting this]
How to maintain good feelings
1. Making space / taking space
1. Example - partners taking space apart before getting together over the weekend
2. Improve the quality of your contract with life
Answer these questions
- How do I feel?
- What do I want?
- How is the past coloring my present?
- What am I getting out of staging stuck?
- Example: reinforcing a strongly held belief
- What do I need to say?
- What agreements have I broken?
- How can I be of service?
Clingers fear abandonment.
Withdrawers fear closeness.
Communication Tips:
Make statements not questions - a lot of people try to make statements in the form of questions. Statements help bring clarity and resolution
Say I instead of you. [“I can’t” is a roundabout way to say “I don’t want to”, “I won’t”, or “I don’t know how to”]
Empower instead of Rescue
Rescuing is when you interfere with someone’s power by doing something for them that they ought to do for themselves. Rescuing denies the other person the opportunity to be effective. When you rescue, you actually devalue and disempower the other person.
Redefining
Redefining is when a person does not respond to what another person has said but instead changes the subject to fit his or her agenda
Her: do you really want to be in counseling with me?
Him: I’m here, aren’t I? [not answering the yes or no question; his agenda is to communicate anger and to avoid responsibility]
Him: Did you notice that I called you this week when I was going to be late for dinner?
Her: Tuesday you totally forgot about picking Kevin up for soccer.
Devaluing:
Example: interrupting someone while speaking
Example: self-denigration (draws attention to you)
The 'Upper Limits Problem' - we are programmed so that we can’t feel too good for too long without evoking negative emotions to bring ourselves down
An Alternative to the Have Fun - Crash - Get Close - Have a Fight Pulsation:
- Positive - Rest - Positive - Rest
- Get Close - Rest at the New Level - Get Close - Rest at the New Level Until it’s completely integrated
To do this you must be vigilant over the ways you bring yourself down.
Codependence is fostered when two people unconsciously agree to be the partners in each other’s dramas - 'if you won’t make me change my self destructive patters, I won’t make you change yours. If you’ll let me project my childhood issues onto you, I’ll be the target for yours.'
The Stages of a 'Closeness' Relationship
- Romance
- Inevitable problems arise
- Trust issues
- Authority issues
- Self esteem issues
- Long repressed feelings
- Sexual issues
- The Choice Point - whether a relationship becomes co-committed or codependent
- Choice A
- Inquire into the source of your issues, take full responsibility for them, and tell the full truth about them to your partner
- Learn to see and love the previously unloved parts of yourself that are emerging
- Ride to a new level of intimacy
- Choice B - withhold (want something but fail to ask, swallow your anger), withdraw, and project
- the payoff
The Essential Co-commitments
- I commit myself to being close and I commit myself to clearing up anything in the way of my ability to do so
- I commit myself to my own complete development as an individual
- I commit to revealing myself fully in my relationships, not to conceal myself
- I commit myself to the full empowerment of people around me
- I commit to acting from the awareness that I am 100% the source of my reality
- I commit myself to having a good time in my close relationships
The Three Fundamental Requirements for Co-Committed Relationships
- Feel all your feelings
- Tell the microscopic truth
- Many people think that they withhold the truth because they don’t want others to feel bad, but perhaps they withhold the truth because they don’t want to deal with the consequences of their spouse’s bad feelings
- Sometime people don’t tell the truth because they rarely witness the truth being spoken
- Keep your agreements
- In codependent relationships partners keep unconscious agreements rather than conscious, spoken agreements - ‘I’ll let you keep drinking and beating the kids if you don’t leave me’
- Some people emotionally tangle the act of making and keeping commitments with their anger at authority figures - ‘because my boss is such a jerk, it’s okay to make long distance calls at the company’s expense’
Deals to limit awareness of valid problems in a relationship:
- Blame [Blame keeps the attention focused on externals]
- Numbing out
- Power struggle
- Illness and Accidents
Generally speaking, we tend to see around us those things that we are afraid to confront within ourselves - this is the basis of projection.
Co-commitment is each partner making themselves 100% responsible for the relationship.
More Common Ways People in Relationships Being Themselves Down
- Deflecting Positive Energy [this is actually a form of narcissism]
- Avoiding it altogether
- Staying attached to the past [and avoid the possibilities of the present]
- Worry thoughts [usually worry prevents effective action, rather than promoting positive action]
- Arguments [people often get caught up in the content of an argument, not the process - when and where you argue, not what you argue about
- An example given involves a “juicy and seductive argument” that they could not see the process - that they just spent some time being close, that they needed some time apart, but neither one was proactive about requesting this]
How to maintain good feelings
1. Making space / taking space
1. Example - partners taking space apart before getting together over the weekend
2. Improve the quality of your contract with life
Answer these questions
- How do I feel?
- What do I want?
- How is the past coloring my present?
- What am I getting out of staging stuck?
- Example: reinforcing a strongly held belief
- What do I need to say?
- What agreements have I broken?
- How can I be of service?
Clingers fear abandonment.
Withdrawers fear closeness.
Communication Tips:
Make statements not questions - a lot of people try to make statements in the form of questions. Statements help bring clarity and resolution
Say I instead of you. [“I can’t” is a roundabout way to say “I don’t want to”, “I won’t”, or “I don’t know how to”]
Empower instead of Rescue
Rescuing is when you interfere with someone’s power by doing something for them that they ought to do for themselves. Rescuing denies the other person the opportunity to be effective. When you rescue, you actually devalue and disempower the other person.
Redefining
Redefining is when a person does not respond to what another person has said but instead changes the subject to fit his or her agenda
Her: do you really want to be in counseling with me?
Him: I’m here, aren’t I? [not answering the yes or no question; his agenda is to communicate anger and to avoid responsibility]
Him: Did you notice that I called you this week when I was going to be late for dinner?
Her: Tuesday you totally forgot about picking Kevin up for soccer.
Devaluing:
Example: interrupting someone while speaking
Example: self-denigration (draws attention to you)
March 17, 2019
Every single personal account and anecdote was so over the top it felt like hyperbole. It's hard to relate to any of the stories in the book when they are so far out there. But there were also some really good points and things I will take with me to incorporate into my relationship to make it better. But seriously, holy cow with the insane stories!
October 8, 2023
Reading this is like: "HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO REAL AND TRUE GO GET 'EM MR. GAY!!!!!!!!!" half the time.
And on the other half the time it all feels like terrible pseudoscience. "The reason you get sick so often is because your subconscious doesn't want you to feel happiness!" No, I get sick because my immune system sucks!
And on the other half the time it all feels like terrible pseudoscience. "The reason you get sick so often is because your subconscious doesn't want you to feel happiness!" No, I get sick because my immune system sucks!
October 4, 2025
Had to DNF this book. Full of occasional points of valuable wisdom, but otherwise peppered with Freudian nonsense- a lot of which is in opposition to the Gottman institute’s teachings. The points that the authors do make are shallow and not explained fully. I would take a lot of what this book offers with a grain of salt.
November 24, 2022
5-star content 3-star 80s kinda cringey packaging; 5-star first half 3-star second half
June 19, 2023
Run of the mill tropes of pseudo-science psychobabble (the questionable and mostly debunked Freud stuff), applied to romantic relationships.
i.e. every conflict in your relationship can be mapped to parental trauma. cheating on your wife??? it's b/c your father selfishly took fishing trips alone. your mom's insecurities and resentment led them to passionate breakup/makeup sessions; your subconscious thinks this dynamic is hot. The other experiences, influences, cultural queues and just a person's own selfishness... Nah, we know it is exactly this one thing with your mom, or this other one thing with your dad... see how they relate... see?!?
Think about some of the dumb stuff in this and similar books, plus counseling. i.e. "Your "flawed" romantic partner is a manifestation of a parent... ..." But think how u met your current and possibly past partners. He approached her b/c, he liked her looks (yet knew nothing else). She agreed b/c he looked OK and his simp game was strong. Both hid true selves (at least one hadn't discovered true self yet). They ignore incompatibilities as both try to make it work (who wants to be single again, f that). Eventually the fakery and pleasing wears thin, conflicts boil over. Therapy: you PICKED this person b/c they were like your parent. for some insane illogical reason, you agree (though u had no clue what u were getting when u met, and you're only staying b/c f Tinder); society agrees this is a thing... w t f...
But I do LOVE that accountability, not victimhood, is pushed. Husband smacking u around??? yeah, that is bad. but how do u contribute by putting yourself in a situation to take that type of abuse??? self worth... financial resources... support network... accountability is frowned upon now vs when this was first published.
i.e. every conflict in your relationship can be mapped to parental trauma. cheating on your wife??? it's b/c your father selfishly took fishing trips alone. your mom's insecurities and resentment led them to passionate breakup/makeup sessions; your subconscious thinks this dynamic is hot. The other experiences, influences, cultural queues and just a person's own selfishness... Nah, we know it is exactly this one thing with your mom, or this other one thing with your dad... see how they relate... see?!?
Think about some of the dumb stuff in this and similar books, plus counseling. i.e. "Your "flawed" romantic partner is a manifestation of a parent... ..." But think how u met your current and possibly past partners. He approached her b/c, he liked her looks (yet knew nothing else). She agreed b/c he looked OK and his simp game was strong. Both hid true selves (at least one hadn't discovered true self yet). They ignore incompatibilities as both try to make it work (who wants to be single again, f that). Eventually the fakery and pleasing wears thin, conflicts boil over. Therapy: you PICKED this person b/c they were like your parent. for some insane illogical reason, you agree (though u had no clue what u were getting when u met, and you're only staying b/c f Tinder); society agrees this is a thing... w t f...
But I do LOVE that accountability, not victimhood, is pushed. Husband smacking u around??? yeah, that is bad. but how do u contribute by putting yourself in a situation to take that type of abuse??? self worth... financial resources... support network... accountability is frowned upon now vs when this was first published.
January 4, 2017
This book was essential when working through a failed relationship. The danger of unconscious agreements and not being in touch with one's own feelings are explained in such a way I felt I could begin using the information to better relate to people around me at the time. I would recommend it to any couple having problems or not.
April 7, 2023
A good book that helps us reconsider our behavior patterns in the context of childhood experiences so that we can build positive relationships. I think the framework they use to frame the behavior can be incredibly useful and requires a lot of work; I think they spent more time describing problems than how to work towards solutions.
April 2, 2010
You know, sometimes these deep "hold me and fix all the old patterns from my childhood and I'll do the same for you" books kind of make me want to gag after awhile. I love this couple, and based on their writing, I think they are really sweet and sincere, but ick.
February 5, 2025
Dave had abandonment issues and didn't let women get close to him. In therapy realised that this was a direct consequence of his mother dying when he was two years old. This solved all of Dave's problems!!
January 30, 2008
This is a great book. I used this book for all my relationships, work, etc. It would be good for me to re-read it.
April 5, 2009
I'm not a fan of self-help books. Basically, I hate self-help books. This was simple common sense wrapped up for people who have little common sense.
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