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27 pages, ebook
First published March 1, 2014
Jarvis Mann, private detective, is overwhelmed and underworked.
"You’re going to laugh, but it's valuable to me. Someone stole a baseball card of mine."
He's had just about every sort of case - from false insurance claims to cheating spouses - and (quite frankly) he's burned out.
"area had a good mix of cultures, with all races represented....a real city with real city people..."
In general, Dennis' actions, reactions and general behavior seemed more in line for a 6-8 year old (i.e. he brought his treasured baseball card to church to show his friends) than for a high school sophomore.
"To describe him as a boy would have been unfair, though he was not quite a man either. He appeared to be fifteen, possibly sixteen years old."
In addition, while most of the dialogue felt genuine, but there were a few moments where the characters became extremely stiff and overly direct.
"Let me go," Dennis yelled. "I want to punch his lights out."
Any improper language (i.e. slang/ethnic) was also treated slightly strangely:
"I'm sorry Dennis here has lost something of value. You have no proof he is the owner. His insurance will cover the monetary loss."
"We understand, and we accept the fact you are not to blame. You made a straight business deal..."
I feel like toning down the formality and just becoming looser in general would definitely enhance the book.
"Cool it!" I said firmly. It was the closest I came to the language of the streets.