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Warrior Lessons: An Asian American Woman's Journey into Power
Welcome to the world of the modern Asian American woman, where the willingness to cause "trouble"—to stir the waters, think deeply, and go against what is expected—is the first of many steps to self-discovery and power. Now, Phoebe Eng shatters stereotypes and offers a bold new vision for American-raised daughters like herself.
A second-generation eldest daughter, caught between cultures, codes of behavior, and colliding worlds, Eng had to learn that in order to be true to herself, conflict and tough choices were necessary. But with those, she found, came a wonderful the doors to opportunity flew open.
Serving as both guide and mentor, Eng addresses the range of issues Asian American women face,
-How can we deal with family expectations?
-What is "false power" and how do we recognize it in our lives?
-Can we trust one another?
-How do we build healthy relationships in the face of "geisha girl" stereotypes?
-How can we find a sense of "home"?
Warrior Lessons signifies a generation and goes far beyond the limiting portrayal of what Eng calls "The Good Little Model Minority Girl." At last, here is a manual for today's woman warrior as she channels her rage and cultivates her power.
A second-generation eldest daughter, caught between cultures, codes of behavior, and colliding worlds, Eng had to learn that in order to be true to herself, conflict and tough choices were necessary. But with those, she found, came a wonderful the doors to opportunity flew open.
Serving as both guide and mentor, Eng addresses the range of issues Asian American women face,
-How can we deal with family expectations?
-What is "false power" and how do we recognize it in our lives?
-Can we trust one another?
-How do we build healthy relationships in the face of "geisha girl" stereotypes?
-How can we find a sense of "home"?
Warrior Lessons signifies a generation and goes far beyond the limiting portrayal of what Eng calls "The Good Little Model Minority Girl." At last, here is a manual for today's woman warrior as she channels her rage and cultivates her power.
384 pages, Paperback
First published March 1, 1999
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122 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 9 of 9 reviews
August 6, 2007
As a young Asian-American woman going through a quarter-life crisis, I had to address many deeply ingrained cultural beliefs that the typical American woman going through the quarter-life crisis just did not have to. This book addressed the loneliness, alienation, ambition, and relationships that any young Asian-American goes through and helped me through a really rough patch in my life.
July 16, 2008
Thoughts...I have so many of them since I am doing some personal research...aka learning about myself. My current pleasure book (book I'm reading because I want to, not because I have to) is Warrior Lessons by Phoebe Eng. It's very interesting. The book is divided into four parts with 12 lessons, four lessons to each part. I wish I had words right now to express what I am learning...maybe, I do.
Lesson #1: She Casts Off Expectations....whether Asian or not, one's parents have expectations of them. Sometimes these are verbally expressed and others they are not. My mother always told me to do my best and that was good enough. Somehow, I sensed that it wasn't good enough. Perfection was and always has been my goal. I feel I'll disappoint my mother if I don't bring home the top grades or do something with my life that's noble or what not. Maybe, it's a bad thing that I want her approval so much.
Lesson #2: She Brings the Family Forward
Lesson #3: She Learns to Shout....this is something I need to learn to do. For too long, I let others' opinion about what I did dictate my image of self-worth. If something I did wasn't done exactly the way someone else wanted it, I would criticize myself for it. If someone made a rude or harsh comment, I would melt inside. I will allow this no longer. I will become stronger and I will put my self-worth in the hands of my Creator.
Lesson #4: She Questions Her Power..."Finding a personal sense of power means looking your fears of nonacceptance and possible failure straight in the eye and knowing them for what they are (106)" and "Power-from-within frees us from the weight of outside expectations, downward pressures, and confining stereotypes. Released, we are free to act genuinely (111)" - Eng. That sums up the chapter for me.
Lesson #5: She Takes Back Desire...Being attractive has some to do with outward beauty and appearance, but the real culprit is self. Being attractive is an attitude that a person projects and others are drawn to that person because of the way they carry themselves, how they interact, etc.
Lesson #6: She Knows Why She Loves...some thoughts from the author..."The people to whom we are attracted often reveal larger life themes" and "Each relationship we enter--with lovers, friends, business partners, and work--strengthens our sense of self-respect and buttresses our value system (149)."
"When we feel powerless, we choose our partners and our friends, not because they strengthen us, but because they represent the power and confidence that we crave but do not possess ourselves. Our choices become defined by outer expectations and signify, not what we have determined to be worth but what other people approve of or accept."
Lesson #7: She Bridges Distance...I wish you had the book and could read the section in this chapter about "mother loss" (180-2). It's great and expresses how I feel toward my mother...I just wish I had the guts to tell her.
Lesson #1: She Casts Off Expectations....whether Asian or not, one's parents have expectations of them. Sometimes these are verbally expressed and others they are not. My mother always told me to do my best and that was good enough. Somehow, I sensed that it wasn't good enough. Perfection was and always has been my goal. I feel I'll disappoint my mother if I don't bring home the top grades or do something with my life that's noble or what not. Maybe, it's a bad thing that I want her approval so much.
Lesson #2: She Brings the Family Forward
Lesson #3: She Learns to Shout....this is something I need to learn to do. For too long, I let others' opinion about what I did dictate my image of self-worth. If something I did wasn't done exactly the way someone else wanted it, I would criticize myself for it. If someone made a rude or harsh comment, I would melt inside. I will allow this no longer. I will become stronger and I will put my self-worth in the hands of my Creator.
Lesson #4: She Questions Her Power..."Finding a personal sense of power means looking your fears of nonacceptance and possible failure straight in the eye and knowing them for what they are (106)" and "Power-from-within frees us from the weight of outside expectations, downward pressures, and confining stereotypes. Released, we are free to act genuinely (111)" - Eng. That sums up the chapter for me.
Lesson #5: She Takes Back Desire...Being attractive has some to do with outward beauty and appearance, but the real culprit is self. Being attractive is an attitude that a person projects and others are drawn to that person because of the way they carry themselves, how they interact, etc.
Lesson #6: She Knows Why She Loves...some thoughts from the author..."The people to whom we are attracted often reveal larger life themes" and "Each relationship we enter--with lovers, friends, business partners, and work--strengthens our sense of self-respect and buttresses our value system (149)."
"When we feel powerless, we choose our partners and our friends, not because they strengthen us, but because they represent the power and confidence that we crave but do not possess ourselves. Our choices become defined by outer expectations and signify, not what we have determined to be worth but what other people approve of or accept."
Lesson #7: She Bridges Distance...I wish you had the book and could read the section in this chapter about "mother loss" (180-2). It's great and expresses how I feel toward my mother...I just wish I had the guts to tell her.
January 20, 2016
I think my mom bought this book sometime in the early 2000's or maybe someone gave it to her. Maybe my aunt gave it to her or she bought it because my aunt was featured in parts of it!--which was a nice surprise for me to come across her name and words in writing, since she passed away in 2008. It means that she had something important enough to share that it was included in this book.
I found this book in my room along with a myriad of other Asian American themed books from university classes that I took. I saw that I'd started reading it before because there were a couple of post-it notes on pages, but I didn't get very far into it. Maybe it was because I was in my early 20's at the time and I hadn't gone through all the life experience that I needed to go through in order to delve further into it.
When I started reading it again this time, I thought it would be one of those somewhat frilly and generic books about being an Asian American woman. But it wasn't. It was powerful and personal with a strong message. I found myself wondering why I haven't heard more about Phoebe Eng and I wonder what she's doing now? Could I attend a talk now? Could I talk to her and ask for guidance now? In any case, I took some messages away with me that I'll process and write about more. I'm really glad I decided to read this all the way through this time and maybe because of my life experiences thus far, it really resonated with me.
"'When we think of loss, we think of the losses of the people and things that we love,' wrote Judith Viorst in her book, Necessary Losses. 'But loss is a far more encompassing theme in life. We lose not only through death, but also by leaving or being left, by changing and letting go.' When looking at our losses in this way, they will include not only our separations from those we once loved, but also our conscious and unconscious abandonment of romantic ideas, dreams, expectations, and illusions of safety." pg. 290
I found this book in my room along with a myriad of other Asian American themed books from university classes that I took. I saw that I'd started reading it before because there were a couple of post-it notes on pages, but I didn't get very far into it. Maybe it was because I was in my early 20's at the time and I hadn't gone through all the life experience that I needed to go through in order to delve further into it.
When I started reading it again this time, I thought it would be one of those somewhat frilly and generic books about being an Asian American woman. But it wasn't. It was powerful and personal with a strong message. I found myself wondering why I haven't heard more about Phoebe Eng and I wonder what she's doing now? Could I attend a talk now? Could I talk to her and ask for guidance now? In any case, I took some messages away with me that I'll process and write about more. I'm really glad I decided to read this all the way through this time and maybe because of my life experiences thus far, it really resonated with me.
"'When we think of loss, we think of the losses of the people and things that we love,' wrote Judith Viorst in her book, Necessary Losses. 'But loss is a far more encompassing theme in life. We lose not only through death, but also by leaving or being left, by changing and letting go.' When looking at our losses in this way, they will include not only our separations from those we once loved, but also our conscious and unconscious abandonment of romantic ideas, dreams, expectations, and illusions of safety." pg. 290
June 24, 2013
Thought the book was poorly organized, all over the place. Very assuming that all ancestors and parents are loving and had something to offer. Halfway through the book, I think she just threw facts and statistics out the window and started writing in fantasy land.
Best thing you can derive out of this book is that its ok to seek therapy to break away from the Asian tradition choke hold even though your Asian family will see it as you bringing shame and dishonor to the family.
Best thing you can derive out of this book is that its ok to seek therapy to break away from the Asian tradition choke hold even though your Asian family will see it as you bringing shame and dishonor to the family.
July 3, 2013
I'm not sure what exactly to say. While Pheobe did dive into the experiences of many 1st generation Asian American women and was spot on about how those experiences have caused many of us to behave a certain way, there's a lot of stuff I didn't find relevant. I'm all for introspection and ethnic reconciliation (with yourself as well as others) but the spiritual things she threw in there threw me off a bit. For example, the Feng Shui idea is not necessary for me. I don't think it rly gives someone more balance. I think balance comes from peace with yourself and with who you are. But a lot of things Phoebe said about strength and having a strong voice resonated deeply. I can't always be a mediator. I want to be angry but angry in a productive way.
July 4, 2009
my grandmother actually gave me this book, twice- once on christmas and once on my birthday. one copy i regret giving to a friend who i thought was in need, who still has held it hostage 'til this day. regardless, this book is a must read for all asian american women.
October 25, 2007
How to find my Asian identity in America.
April 8, 2017
I picked this book thinking that being an Indian, I will be able relate to the big generalized Asian experience. But soon, realised that the book's issues, cultural nuances and experiences hugely missed on Indian references and so, I couldn't relate to the book in a way I expected to. Though there were several good to know elements in the book, that kept me going. So, 3 stars are for my misplaced expectations (set usually by the notion of 1 big Asian experience) and not as much as for the book in itself!
October 15, 2017
If you’re looking for an equivalent to The Feminine Mystique (by Betty Friedan) or The Beauty Myth (by Naomi Wolf) for Asian women among feminist literature, this book the closest there is.
What made me pick up the book is the extensive coverage of issues that uniquely pertain to Asian women in general. These are things that I’m concerned about as they are relevant to my life experiences as an Asian woman.
Although the author intended for the book to be a memoir as well as a voice for Asian American women, most of the topics touched on falls in line with what all Asian women experience in our ever changing world. It brought into light problem that stem from centuries of uptight eastern societal values and traditions which affect family dynamics, community leadership, career choices off the beaten track, and dealing with family expectations. It also boldly addresses some of the rarely spoken issues; why Asian women are commonly perceived as sex objects, marrying out and how to succeed career-wise amidst the geisha girl stereotype.
Eng is thorough and neutral in her approach, often presenting viewpoints from various angles on a certain subject without leaning to one side. She also doesn’t bore her readers with statistics, as every chapter is chock full of real-life anecdotes from her personal experiences and those compiled in the process of writing the book. These are then balanced with bits of scholarly info, mostly from the fields of psychology and sociology. It all makes the book very human and readable.
More than just a documentation of what goes on around the world that affects Asian women’s experiences, the author offers sound, practical advice in dealing with those issues in the long run, most of which are demonstrated with inspiring true stories of other Asian women who have beaten the odds. I particularly enjoy the chapter on questioning one’s power, taking risks and especially the story of A. magazine’s humble beginnings.
I truly respect the author’s courage for being able to relate some her most deeply personal experiences, because it’s not that easy to let it all hang out in print.
Despite it all, this book is not without problems. In an attempt to be thorough, some parts came up short. There are a few sections where the author just wrapped up with over simplistic conclusions based solely on her own experience; as if she ran out of points to present a solid argument.
There are parts that are too self-indulgent where the Eng goes on about her personal experiences that have little relevance to a chapter, resulting in pages of pointless passages instead of getting straight to the point.
Regardless of its minor flaws, Warrior brings into awareness plenty of issues that most Asian women can relate to along with solutions for dealing with them. It should be an important book to read for Asian women, with or without the American experience.
What made me pick up the book is the extensive coverage of issues that uniquely pertain to Asian women in general. These are things that I’m concerned about as they are relevant to my life experiences as an Asian woman.
Although the author intended for the book to be a memoir as well as a voice for Asian American women, most of the topics touched on falls in line with what all Asian women experience in our ever changing world. It brought into light problem that stem from centuries of uptight eastern societal values and traditions which affect family dynamics, community leadership, career choices off the beaten track, and dealing with family expectations. It also boldly addresses some of the rarely spoken issues; why Asian women are commonly perceived as sex objects, marrying out and how to succeed career-wise amidst the geisha girl stereotype.
Eng is thorough and neutral in her approach, often presenting viewpoints from various angles on a certain subject without leaning to one side. She also doesn’t bore her readers with statistics, as every chapter is chock full of real-life anecdotes from her personal experiences and those compiled in the process of writing the book. These are then balanced with bits of scholarly info, mostly from the fields of psychology and sociology. It all makes the book very human and readable.
More than just a documentation of what goes on around the world that affects Asian women’s experiences, the author offers sound, practical advice in dealing with those issues in the long run, most of which are demonstrated with inspiring true stories of other Asian women who have beaten the odds. I particularly enjoy the chapter on questioning one’s power, taking risks and especially the story of A. magazine’s humble beginnings.
I truly respect the author’s courage for being able to relate some her most deeply personal experiences, because it’s not that easy to let it all hang out in print.
Despite it all, this book is not without problems. In an attempt to be thorough, some parts came up short. There are a few sections where the author just wrapped up with over simplistic conclusions based solely on her own experience; as if she ran out of points to present a solid argument.
There are parts that are too self-indulgent where the Eng goes on about her personal experiences that have little relevance to a chapter, resulting in pages of pointless passages instead of getting straight to the point.
Regardless of its minor flaws, Warrior brings into awareness plenty of issues that most Asian women can relate to along with solutions for dealing with them. It should be an important book to read for Asian women, with or without the American experience.
Displaying 1 - 9 of 9 reviews