Hello, Cruel World: 101+ Alternatives to Suicide for Teens, Freaks, and Other Outlaws

by Kate Bornstein, Sara Quin (introduction)

This 20th anniversary edition of transsexual trailblazer Kate Bornstein’s unconventional guide to staying alive for teens, freaks and gender outlaws features 20 NEW Alternatives and a new foreword by the author.

"A don't-hurt guide for anyone who's been tempted to give in to despair." --Time Out New York

"You'll want to keep extra copies of this one on the shelf to give away to friends in need." --Bitch magazine

    Now updated and with new material Hello, Cruel World features a catalog of 121 alternatives to suicide that range from the playful (moisturize!), to the irreverent (shatter some family values), to the controversial, fun, challenging and easy. Encouraging readers to unleash their hearts' harmless desires, the book has only one "Don't be mean." It is this guiding principle that brings the reader on a self-validating journey and toward a resounding decision to embrace life.
       Using graphics and checklists, and with great humor and gutsiness, Kate Bornstein dares readers to re-envision the gender system as we know it. She offers stories and insights that are tenderly intimate and unapologetically edgy. Hello, Cruel World also

an Introduction by Sara Quin of Tegan and SaraThe Hello Cruel Scale of Feelingsan Index of Alternatives with safety and effectiveness scales
        Suicide rates among lgbtq+ teens are much higher than for their cis peers; with love and humor and confession and insight, Bornstein hopes to keep every freak out there alive. She is a radical role model, an affectionate best friend, and a guiding mentor all in one. This one-of-a-kind guide to staying alive is a much-needed, sometimes unorthodox approach to life for those who want to stay on the edge, and alive.
Finalist, LGBT Nonfiction Lambda Literary Award, 2009Honor Book, Stonewall Children’s and Young Adult Literature Award, 2009

Genres: Nonfiction, Queer, Mental Health, LGBT, Self Help, Psychology, Gender

244 pages, Kindle Edition

First published May 2, 2006

About the author

Kate Bornstein is a Jewish-American author, playwright, performance artist, and gender theorist.

Reviews

[Katie · Rating 2 out of 5]

Eh. It was alright. WAY too much stuff about sex for my asexual self to really like it. Made me feel worse after reading it because of that. More alone, because it seemed to say if you don't want sex in some way you're not normal. I know that's not the way most people would read it and it made some good points that weren't about sex.

[Nathan · Rating 5 out of 5]

First of all, I wish I had bought the paper copy instead of the ebook edition. If you're considering purchasing the book, get the paper. I am going to buy the flesh and blood copy even though I already bought the ebook.
This book is worth it.
Second of all, If you know of somebody who has expressed a wish to die, please, please, please give them this book.

Now for my review:
For a good part of my life I've been an outlaw, cast as a freak by people, and this has made me suicidal. And I firmly believe that had I found this book a year ago, it would have stopped me from attempting suicide when I did.
This book is not full of reasons to stay alive; those are everywhere and they usually do not help. These are alternatives, and not all of them are quote-unquote "socially acceptable". But I know from experience that sometimes all you can do except end it all is do things that are socially unacceptable. And I appreciate the stand that Kate Bornstein takes in that regard. Anything is better than killing yourself. But don't get me wrong, this book is not entirely full of illegal and self-destructive activities. Some of them are kind and loving like making art or taking a deep breath.
Basically, there are a lot of options here. And at least one of them will work. At the very least, it'll make you laugh. Bornstein has this humorous way of looking at the world that is fantastic.

Long story short: read this book. It will save your life.

[Stacy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think this book was badly named. Had the subtitle been 101 Alternatives to Suicide for Freaks, Weirdos and Other Outlaws (say)--it would still have ended up in the hands of the teens who really needed it and yet would not have suggested the book was *only* for teens. Some adults will miss this book, and that's too bad. Like some other reviewers I was impressed with Kate's humor and articulation, but put off by the fact that so much of it was focused on sexuality. I think sex DOES need to be in books aimed at teens because let's face it, they spend an awful lot of their time worrying about it...but many of even the freakiest "outlaw" types will not be able to relate to Kate's highly deviant (and I don't mean this in a bad way) POV in regard to sex. Still, and she admits it--this is her area of expertise. Perhaps this could be a great companion guide to Grace Llewelyn's Teenage Liberation Handbook (which Bornstein cites) and which I'm currently reading with a smile on my face. All in all, I loved this book. I think one thing teens DO need is awareness of diversity across the human life span. Trapped in dull bedroom communities across the nation, many American teens probably see no reason to live in a world occupied by adults who all look the same, act the same, have the same jobs, etc. If nothing else this is an introduction to a character they would never meet in suburbia and he/she defies categorization. The message is a positive one, too (be kind to yourself and others)...so I say rock on Kate.

[Caitlin · Rating 2 out of 5]

Ok.
So I get all the hoopla about Kate Bornstein and I can respect her work and her life, but I don't agree with a lot of it. The first part of the book was just scattered and ill-prepared. Her generalizations like "all lesbian and gay people are transgendered because the transcend gender" just leave me feeling a little squicky. And I'm sure quite a few lesbians and gay men would agree with me on that.
That being said, her actual list of 101 things to do is pretty good. Most of them are just good ways to get off your ass and start doing something new. So, yay for that.

[Alexei · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ok, I'll admit it- I have a big, fat crush on Kate Bornstein. Big brains are a huge turn on.

But as far as the *book* goes, I'd have to give it 5 stars. As someone who works with queer and questioning youth, I have found this book to be invaluable- both for myself and for the youth I work with.

I've seen some reviews call in to question the focus on sexuality in a book meant for younger readers. Newsflash: youth are expressing their sexuality and gender at younger and younger ages and looking for safe ways/safe places to do so.

The chart on suicide alternatives is ingenious. A lot of what she says may be controversial, but I can't say that I disagree. After all- is it worse to use alcohol to numb your pain or to kill yourself?

Kate describes well what it's like to feel like an outsider- and the lengths that people will go to to make sure you stay feeling that way. But the triumph is her call to take pride in our differences, to reclaim "freak" as a badge of honor, and to go on living- even if it's only one step at a time.

[N · Rating 3 out of 5]

I would hazard a guess that this is the most badass self-help book on the market. Kate Bornstein’s advice on how to climb out of your suicidal hole ranges from that which is simple (moisturize! touch yourself… not like that – unless you want to!) to that which is off-kilter (remove the word ‘hello’ from your vocabulary and tell people what you really feel when you see them… ummm, yeah, I didn’t really get that one). Bornstein is refreshingly blunt – drugs, cutting, starving yourself are all better than death, after all – and posits just one rule when finding ways to stay alive: don’t hurt anyone else in the process.

Badass self-help book it may be, but it’s still a self-help book – and one that borrows extensively from other self-help books. That treacly, patronizing tone to the advice, which seems to saturate all self-help books, can’t quite be wrung out by Bornstein’s progressivism.

Nonetheless, for a short book, Hello Cruel World gives a lot of interesting stuff to chew over – even for those of us who aren’t suicidal, but are just feeling a little lost.

[Sara · Rating 3 out of 5]

It wasn't just for freaks, teens and...
It's useful, especially last part of book when it categorized alternatives.

[Iseult · Rating 1 out of 5]

I feel like it shouldn't have been titled "alternatives to suicide" because these suggestions to me are silly and if someone was seriously suicidal, they either would roll their eyes and think "are you kidding me, is this it?" or not have the energy to carry out some of the more elaborate serious things like volunteering to help others. (But if it did end up helping you, of course i'm glad.) Maybe a less dramatic title like "ways to cope with bad situations" or "self-care for when life sucks." The entire first section of this book before the alternatives was to me a waste of time and redundant, basically saying society is a bully and you have to be yourself no matter what. I'm sure if you're part of the LGBT+ community that you've been told "be yourself no matter what" enough times.

She talked about sex too much. I doubt a lot of suicidal people are thinking "oh maybe a good fuck will help." Many suicidal people have trouble eating, sleeping, feeling any pleasure at all, and depression can cause sexual dysfunction. Maybe she mentioned it so much cause self-image and thinking she's sexy seem to be important to her. Other eye-rolling things were the repeat mention of tarot cards and chakras and magic. Again, if that's your thing that helps, fine, but I think that should only be said once as an all-encompassing "see if spirituality helps."

i'm probably taking it too seriously and sure it was all supposed to be humorous, but the fact that this book was framed as alternatives to suicide rubbed me the wrong way cause my brother killed himself and i've had over a decade of suicidal ideation, so i don't fuck around with silly things like "moisturize" and "cast a spell" and "eroticize the pain." If i were seriously suicidal, this would be another disappointment in that i would be looking for something that helps by someone who's been there before, who's also LGBT+, and it's yet another thing that i don't relate to. Also disappointed cause i know she's a trans icon and this is the first of her books i've tried.

[Shannon · Rating 2 out of 5]

I love you, Kate Bornstein. I didn't want to rate this low, due to this love (formed after reading Bornstein's awesome autobiography (A Queer and Pleasant Danger: The True Story of a Nice Jewish Boy Who Joins the Church of Scientology and Leaves Twelve Years Later to Become the Lovely Lady She is Today) but I have to be honest, this was lacking.

The first, like, 100 pages of this are almost entirely about gender, which is interesting to me and Bornstein says it all beautifully, but I felt it didn't belong in this book, really, and that shr should just get to the 101 ideas already. Turns out, genderrant was the best part of the book.

The problem with the the suggestions is that they are too vague and repetitive. I think more concrete suggestions would have been better, as someone in a highly despairing situation (I feel) isn't going to look at a suggestion like "Take the road less traveled" (Note: I made this up, I don't believe this is one of them, but that's the kind of suggestion made, vague and philosophical) and feel inspired or moved into action. It should be things more like "Go buy a mirror from a flea market and glue sequins to the frame, then smash the mirror" (Okay, maybe my ideas are not great either, but...point is, more specific). Also quite a few of them just seemed so much like other suggestions in the book. Sooo... two stars.

I still love you, Kate Bornstein <3.

[Ali · Rating 4 out of 5]

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[daniela (taylor's version) · Rating 1 out of 5]

IS THIS BOOK A FUCKING JOKE

[Michael · Rating 4 out of 5]

I love the idea of this book, and found it generally sensitive to the diversity of its intended readership. Where Bornstein seemed to have blindspots were with sex and religion. She recommends sex as a solution in quite a few of her alternatives, and when addressing people whose expression of sexuality is a cause of their oppression I get that, but it leaves behind those who identify as asexual, or who just aren't interested in it for now. While promoting the diversity of religious expression available over any "one true faith", Bornstein had no word to say for those who hold an atheistic position. It's a shame, as with just a few tweeks these omissions could have been easily rectified. However, I'm focusing on the lapses in an otherwise thoughtful and amusingly written book about being kind to yourself, giving yourself a break, and not putting up with any shit, others' or your own.

[Danni Green · Rating 5 out of 5]

Oh hey, this book saved my life again. Thanks, Auntie Kate.

(This was at least my 6th or 7th time reading it, but I don't remember the dates so can't record them for tracking purposes.)

cw: frank discussion of suicidality, harm reduction methods of suicide prevention (including self-injury, substance use, eating disorder behavior, etc. with ample discussion of the risks in doing so), mentions of various forms of trauma (including religious, parental, queer/transantagonist, psychiatric).

[Marjo · Rating 5 out of 5]

i can't even begin to explain how important this book is. it's very practical and kind. instead of most suicide prevention sources, which are mostly very warm and kind and feel like a warm hug and telling people it'll be okay, this book tells you it's okay that you're not doing okay right now. it gives you a pat on the back and a list of things to do to stay alive. not all of them are good things. some are very bad, for you or for others. but if it could keep you alive for a couple more days? it's worth it. use those extra days to find better coping mechanisms or getting help. it never questions why you got to feeling like you do, or how. it simply gives you the tools you need to feel better and live longer. it makes sense of a world that often doesn't, and accepts you as you are 100%. no questions asked. i wish i could give it to my 14 year old self, she could've really used it. i've still learned a lot from reading this and i really hope more people find this book, because it could do a whole lot of good.

[Sam Hertl · Rating 4 out of 5]

What a wonderful thing to exist. The first half explores some of the why & how behind the bully culture we live in. The second half is a detailed list of 101 alternatives to ending one’s life. Kate Bornstein is daring in their work. She is a sex-positive, gender theorist who greatly emphasizes that the world is a better place because YOU are in it. It felt like they were speaking directly to me at times & I hope other readers feel the same. The following are a few quotes that stuck with me:


“Identities aren't meant to be permanent. They’re like cars: they take us from one place to another. We
work, travel, and seek adventure in them until they break down beyond repair. At that point, living well means finding a new model that better suits us for a new moment.”

“You don’t have to look at the world the way you’re told to look at the world.”

“Would you like to show the world the you that you most enjoy being?”

[Claire Okon · Rating 1 out of 5]

I picked this book up on a whim, and was severely disappointed. As someone who lost my sister to suicide, has struggled with it themselves, and battles with Depression and a handful of other mental issues, this book generalizes suicide and neglects many aspects of mental illness.

I know Bornstein means well, but her upbeat attitude and bubbly writing style is really off-putting to someone who is on the verge of killing themselves. For someone without a mental illness, her demeanor may be beneficial, but for someone who is so distraught that they're wanting to take their own life, her can-do point of view is cringe-worthy. When someone gets to this point, they don't need Sharon from Yoga class to come in and tell them, "You just really need to get laid!", they need someone with a deep understanding of that anguish to be real with them, and understand that the suicidal person's perspective on life is skewed and dark. To me, this book felt uncomfortably similar to having someone say, "Oh, you're suicidal? Have you tried meditating?"

Not to say the small things don't help. They really do. But when you're at a point where brushing your teeth is equivalent to climbing Mt. Everest, most of these alternatives really aren't helpful.

The book focuses too much on sex and gender (if the book was titled "101 Alternatives to Suicide for People Struggling with Their Gender Identity and Sexual Self," that would be one thing. But it's not), and looks at suicide from a narrow scope. It's like this book was written for a very specific person, and should have advertised itself that way from the get-go. And I imagine people who are asexual and suicidal would not benefit from picking up a Suicide-Alternatives book that goes on to emphasize how great and important to life sex is.

I get that Bornstein wants to give people a wide range of alternatives to suicide, but encouraging starving and self-harm is never okay, and in my sister's situation, encouraging her to shop would have only worsened her problems; since she was Bipolar, she went on shopping sprees when she was manic, and became financially in debt and knee-deep in loans. To encourage her to spend more would have only worsened her depression when she came down from her high. It's not as cut-and-dry as "do this unhealthy coping mechanism that's incredibly dangerous in the long-term or kill yourself." It's not this-or-that. And while I understand better than anyone that addictions and unhealthy coping technically *work* for their purpose and are not something you want to snatch away from a person (it's their security blanket, after all), it still shouldn't be endorsed in any way, shape, or form. I get that Bornstein would rather have someone cut themselves than kill themselves, but we absolutely don't have to look at it as *that* black and white.

You really can't just look at suicide as a singular thing, and while I give Bornstein props for trying to help, I really only see this book as helping a very small, specific group of people. It's good of her to want to lend a hand to people contemplating suicide, and I feel for her and what she's been through, but if you're going to tackle a topic this serious, you need to do some MAJOR psychiatric research, not look at just your own experiences for reference, and do more than 231 pages of "moisturize and touch yourself."

[João · Rating 4 out of 5]

Kate Bornstein era um menino que não se sentia bem como menino e queria ser uma menina. Foi vítima de bullying e pensou suicidar-se várias vezes. Quando cresceu e conseguiu transformar-se em mulher, descobriu que também não estava bem como mulher! E passou a experimentar outras identidades e nenhuma. Hoje tenta explicar a sua sexualidade com a expressão "femme sadomasoquista submiss@", mas afirma que isso não é importante, e que vai mudando de identidade como quem muda de roupa, de acordo com as suas necessidades e humores.

O seu livro é simultaneamente um hino à liberdade de expressão ("o maior bem da vida, todo o propósito da liberdade e talvez aquilo que todos os seres humanos do planeta têm em comum é, sem dúvida, a busca da felicidade [...] Quem é que tem o direito de decidir qual o tipo de felicidade que está correcto?") e uma celebração da diferença ("Experimentas algo melhor e ficas a querer mais. Não há nada de errado nisso. Porra, não há nada melhor!").

Quando o que está em causa é uma infelicidade tão grande que pode levar ao suicídio, qualquer comportamento é válido, diz Kate Bornstein, desde que não se seja "mauzinh@" para os outros. E isso inclui permitir-se ser sexy contra os tabus da sociedade e da Igreja, mostrar-se tal como se é ou fingir-se de louc@, pedir ajuda ou fugir e esconder-se, brincar com a morte ou passar fome, mentir ou falar verdade, experimentar drogas...

Sim, entrámos no mundo do relativo, muito longe dos critérios absolutos e binários do é bom ou é mau, é rapaz ou rapariga, és nosso amigo ou nosso inimigo", o mundo do "ou isto ou aquilo". "Imagina um mundo onde qualquer pessoa pudesse, de uma forma segura e até alegre, expressar-se como sempre quis. Em que nada relativo aos corpos com que as pessoas nasceram ou àquilo que escolheram fazer com eles - a forma com os vestem, como os decoram, ou como os alteram ou aumentam - fizesse com que se rissem delas, ou que se fizesse deles alvos, ou que de alguma forma os privasse dos seus direitos. Consegues imaginar um mundo assim?"

[Ari · Rating 4 out of 5]

While I had appreciation for the idea of this book when I came across it, it generally isn't something that I would pick up and read (How-To books, Guide books... that sort of thing isn't really in my interest wheelhouse; it's hard to stay engaged, I've found), but when it was listed on the "recommended reading" section of a course syllabus and I had time to kill before my actual textbooks arrived in the mail, I figured what the hell.
Glad that's what I figured.
Having read Kate Bornstein's memoir, what I loved about this book was how it felt so much like a conversation. What I additionally loved was that Kate Bornstein seems like a really fabulous person to talk to. At no point while reading this did I feel suicidal, but I still managed to feel a whole hell of a lot better in general after reading this book, as well as feeling a bit more prepared for having these 101 tips in my pocket to share with others if a situation ever calls for it. As someone in the Queer community, I found Bornstein's gender/sexual orientation/sexuality focus to be hugely relevant and necessary, though I could see how it could be a deterrent for others. I think she saw that too while writing it, but very plainly didn't give a fuck and plowed onward. An approach to which only applause can be given in response.
Overall, I found this to be a well-rounded, firm but gentle, no-bullshit approach to this topic. It's not a cure-all; she calls it how it is and speaks to the truth of each person's all-encompassing power to determine the course of their life, but her consistent sincerity of wanting the reader to continue on prevails throughout, making this a must-have on anyone's bookshelf if they're working with teens/young adults/people in general.

[Bekka · Rating 4 out of 5]

I love that this book does not merely just make a case of why life is pretty awesome and worth living, but truly acknowledges that dangerous self harm/suicidal ideation is not just something that can be magically removed from someone without being replaced with some alternative behavior/thoughts. Sometimes these alternatives are not "ideal" or "healthy," but anything that will keep someone tethered to the Earth in their darkest moments is something of value. Thank you Kate your honesty and honoring the fucked up scary stuff that so many beautiful weirdos have to resort to to survive in this world. I keep this book on my bookshelves at work (community mental health)... not as a reference of any kind, but to remind me of the importance of harm reduction, being non-judgemental, and promoting hope for my clients.

[Phoenix · Rating 3 out of 5]

As much as I think this book is an interesting and worthwhile read, I don't think it's great for the people it's aimed at- outcasts considering suicide. Partly because of the asexual exclusion (hearing how romantic love and sex are the universal things when you don't experience them is the opposite of encouraging), and partly because of the suggestions- most of them are vague and as someone who has multiple mental illnesses including depression, if it doesn't include a concrete specific thing to do I won't do it (a lot of the time I didn't even know how I would go about doing the listed suggestion). My final thing is sort of a nitpick, but as someone with an eating disorder it was kind of hurtful- the listing of starve yourself was fair enough (it is, in fact, better that killing yourself), but linking it to anorexia and by proxy saying anorexia was a choice, was... Not good.

[The Happy Bookworm · Rating 1 out of 5]

I read this book with hopes of getting some tips on how to support friends I'm worried about + to help with some volunteer work I do. Perhaps this works better for those who are actively suicidal. I do hope this book has helped some people, and if the advice offered in this book seem like it'll get you to a better place, then absolutely go for it.
I also think I may be misinterpreting the purpose of the book a bit. Maybe this was always meant to be more for the humor than to provide an actual resource. Still, at the end of the day, if you're going to call your book "101 alternatives to suicide", then I think you should be aware that you're signing up for a serious task and be ready to treat it accordingly.

My main objections:

1.) An inappropriate focus on sex

A LOT of this book is about sex. The "Hello, Cruel Me" and "Hello, Cruel Desire" sections touch on it heavily, and many of the alternatives are sex related. I'm all for sex positivity, but that is not the topic of this book. I especially question its focus given that the target age range is teens, particularly given the enthusiasm with which the author recommends it. "Get Laid. Please," gets a 4/4 star rating in both safety and effectiveness, as if it's some sort of magic a cure-all without risks. I don't think "go have sex" is the first thing we should be telling depressed kids.
Additionally, while this book focusses a lot on LGBTQIA+ identities, it completely neglects to acknowledge asexuality or that a lot of teens may not be interested/comfortable/ready to have sex yet. As an ace person, if I read this on a bad day, it would make things so, so, so much worse.

3.) Green lighting unhealthy coping mechanisms + lack of emphasis on important next steps

Potentially very dangerous options such as flirt with death, make it bleed, take drugs, starve yourself, and play musical addictions are listed in the alternatives, interspersed with the others with no rhyme or reason. I'm not comfortable with them being included in the first place. I agree that they're better than the worst case scenario, and yes, the author does add a low safety warnings + caveats, but I worry about them putting new ideas in the minds of people who are struggling as to how they might punish themselves. IMO they should at least be in a separate, "last resort" section, and should not be listed before any of the healthier tips (the book lists cutting yourself prior to suggesting a walk in the woods.)

On the flip side, what I would consider to be some of the best advice (albeit the hardest to act upon) gets very little page time. This includes "Call a suicide hotline" or "see a doctor, therapist, or alternative healer". Yes, the author says to try these first, but does not give an in-depth description of how to overcome the fear or challenges of doing these things, or why they should be done, or provide resources to help. This kind of stuff takes some coaxing and a pep talk or two! Maybe at least list a hotline or two?? (dial 988 if you're in the USA and need help FYI. Hang in there <3)
If I missed more info on these topics, it's probably because of my next point. These should not be hard to find. They should be front and center. They are not.

2.) Organization does not aid urgency

This first thing described in this book is the author's personal story. Then comes identity, then sexuality, and THEN the alternatives to suicide. The alternatives themselves do not seem to be listed in any particular order. The titles of the alternatives are often vague ("use the wrong tool for the job", "bring on Goliath",) as are some of the more in-depth descriptions of the alternatives. It is difficult to find the useful information without reading the entire book front to back. Perhaps this isn't meant to be a resource referenced during a crisis, but the title reads as if it ought to be.

4.) Safety and efficiency ratings don't actually mean anything

Okay seriously. What the hell were those ratings? As far as I can tell, some are assigned completely randomly. There isn't all that much explanation for them either.

Some things that received full marks for safety and effectiveness: take a deep breath, treat yourself like an honored guest, and make a longer-range plan. But also, moisturize, get laid, bake a cake, give up nouns for a day, and take a vow of silence. I mean, yeah, sure, those things are mostly fine. Aloe vera and a sweet treat might help you feel better and probably won't hurt anything. Are they really on the same tier of effectiveness as the others, though?

Some things that received a 1/4 for safety that definitely deserved it: make it bleed, take drugs, play musical additions, eroticize the pain
However, the following also received a 1/4 stars for safety: tell a lie, get out there and be a star, find the love of your life, travel and have adventures, go on a quest, go shopping, quote the scripture for your own purposes
I think a shopping spree or a bit of biblical irreverence are much, much, much safer than some of the other options. By this book's rankings, you're better off with self-harm than lying.

"Ask for help" gets only a 3/4 for both safety and effectiveness. I strongly object to having sex recommended over seeking support, especially for teenagers.

[Maddy · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was almost two different books slammed together, but it oddly still works. One book is like an intro to self-acceptance and information about sex and gender theory (very basic though, it doesn't go into technical terms or professor-like lectures). That was good since this book is supposed to be written for teenagers, though an adult can just as easily read it and feel reassured and educated on these matters, if they aren't familiar with these topics.

The author, Kate Bornstein, is one of the most well known Academic experts of sex and gender theory. There is a lot of talking about sex and sexuality through out the book, so if that bothers you, you might not like that. It didn't bother me too much, but sex and sexuality is almost the third theme of this book (gender identity the second and suicide prevention the first). Bornstein is trying to empower her readers to accept themselves no matter their gender, race, religion, age, ability, sexuality, etc. I really liked this aspect and feeling from this text overall.

The second half was the list of the alternatives to suicide. Some of these were very positive and uplifting ideas that I think could work and work well. A few examples; Joining a group or club that follows your interest, trying to help other people achieve their dreams, make art, or changing your way of thinking about something. Not every option will work for every person, obviously, but some of them seem worth trying if you are desperate to change your life for the better. There are of course, the more traditional methods of getting a therapist, joining group therapy, or calling a help line to deal with the issues that are causing you to consider suicide. None of these options are ones that you should be ashamed of doing, if you need help, please, I urge you to do it. Your life will be improved, though it could take a while to feel the affects of the improvement depending on the method you use. Therapy and Therapy groups will take a while to adjust to, for example.

Unfortunately, for some reason that I didn't quite understand, there were a few negative options on the alternatives to suicide list as well. Taking drugs, cutting, and starving yourself were some of the options, which I thought inappropriate to include. None of these options should have been mentioned, especially in a book marketed for teenagers. To be fair, the author wasn't encouraging these behaviors, there were warnings placed through out the book by these particular options. I'm not for self-harm in any way but I think these were put in the book for last resort options before choosing suicide (at least that's my understanding of what the author was trying to accomplish?). Still, I'm not comfortable about listing these options in the same way as the positive and neutral non-harmful options.

I gave this book 3.5 stars! Overall, I think this book could be helpful for it's target audience. I'm not sure about the appropriateness of mentioning self-harming coping mechanisms in the same place as healthy and non-harmful options (which like 80% of the other options were, fortunately). Suicidal people may or may not already be doing those self-harming actions already, but still it seemed out of place to mention such negative coping mechanisms to people who are probably seeking help and more positive coping mechanisms. Suicide is a serious mental health issue and a serious thing, those who suffer from suicidal thoughts ought to seek help and deserve to have their concerns be taken seriously.

Triggers/ Content warning: Suicide (a main theme through out the book), self-harm, drugs/alcohol, and eating disorders like anorexia as coping mechanisms

[Ashley Peterson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Hello, Cruel World: 101 Alternative to Suicide for Teens, Freaks & Other Outlaws by Kate Bornstein was recommended to me by Skinny Hobbit. It’s written for nonconforming “freaks and outlaws,” whether that be in relation to gender, sexual orientation, or anything else that society likes to judge. It has fun illustrations, like a “get out of hell free” card.

The author, who identifies herself in the book as a “tranny dyke”, enthusiastically embraces freakishness of all kinds, including her own. She’s the high school guidance counsellor who you’ll wish you had, who says it like it is and isn’t embarrassed to talk about anything.

The author begins, “I wrote this book to help you stay alive because I think the world needs more kind people in it, no matter who or what they are, or do. The world is healthier because of its outsiders and outlaws and freaks and queers and sinners. I fall neatly into all of those categories, so it’s no big deal to me if you do or don’t.” She explains that the book isn’t about trying to convince you, as the reader, not to kill yourself; rather, it’s there to give you 101 ideas of things to do instead.” I like that approach.

She suggests that you try looking for the part of the identity that you’ve constructed that needs to die for you to keep on living. I thought this was a really interesting perspective. Being a freak basically means that there’s a conflict between who you are and the identity that society expects you to have, and unless you’re as completely fabulous as Kate Bornstein, chances are you’re carrying around at least some vestiges of things that society expects you to be.

The book covers some of the “sanctioned solutions” that are typically recommended, but acknowledges that those options don’t always feel very available.

The 101 alternatives to kill yourself come with various ratings: easiness (based on cows), safety (heart), effectiveness (umbrellas), and being more or less legal/moral (including X = no one older than Gen-X, aka old farts like me, should attempt).

Some of the alternatives include:

rant, rave, bitch, and moan
run away and hide
give ’em the old razzle dazzle
give up nouns for a day
find a friend, including a spiritual figure like L. Ron Hubbard (the author is a former Scientologist)
The book is packed with wise advice, including “When God says no to your harmless desires, it’s time to find another God.” One of the dying alternatives is being cute or dashing, and the author makes it clear that cute doesn’t mean weak; “Be cute or be dashing; “Porcupines are super cute, but you wouldn’t want to fuck with one.”

I thought this book was all kinds of fabulous. Sure, this probably isn’t the first book you’re going to reach for when mental illness is kicking your ass. But when life is hard because society has decided you’re a freak, this book will leap right into your hand.

[Marnina Hornstein · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Maybe smiling in the face of death is the very best way to live a life worth living"

Prior to reading this book, I was lucky enough to see Kate speak at the Baltimore Book Festival. The way she described this book and discussed ways of staying alive really resonated with me so I bought a copy. I wish that I could go back in time and give this book to my teenage self. I appreciated Kate's blunt approach to discussing suicidality, gender, and being a good person. Would recommend this book to teens and adults alike.

[Catherine Bond · Rating 5 out of 5]

Un incontournable pour toute personne ayant eu des pensées suicidaires, ou tout simplement cherchant sa place dans l'univers. Kate Bornstein est limpide, drôle, et sa prose accessible. À garder comme référence dans sa bibliothèque, peut-être même en deux exemplaires : un à garder pour soi, dans les moments de doute ou de réflexion, et un à prêter à des ami.e.s dans le besoin.

[kat · Rating 4 out of 5]

it's written more for teens and people in active mental health crisis, but i love the framing and i love the idea of having a list of things, large or small, to try in order to shift a mood a little bit toward the better. not all of them resonated with me. that is okay. it has inspired me to think about what my 101 things should be.

[Madison ( ˶ˆᗜˆ˵ ) · Rating 3 out of 5]

Incredibly mixed on this….2.75.

[Jackson · Rating 5 out of 5]

#itgetsbetter

So I wrote a pretty in-depth review of this book for PrettyQueer.com if you're interested as well, but here's the gist:

This book is amazing and I urge anyone who is a teen or other person who feels different and is struggling with depression, hopelessness or suicidal thoughts to read it.

I especially encourage parents (and teachers and librarians, who are usually motivated to censor by parents so this goes back to you, parents) to be open-minded enough to be okay with your teens reading this book because it has some racy suggestions in the section which lists possible alternatives to suicide, but I think Bornstein also gives enough context and other options to help teens make good choices. Basically, parents, if this book saves your teen's life and your teen does a couple rebelious things in the process, isn't it worth it?

This book is basically the "how-to" manual for the "It Gets Better" project. People who are sick of psychologists or other professionals who don't understand them making suggestions that just don't work will be pleasently surprised to find that Kate Bornstein writes this book from the perspective of someone who's been there--like a friend talking to a friend.

The stuff in this book isn't just for folks considering suicide, but for anyone trying to figure out how to fix their life so they actually like it. It was great and teachers and librarians should do everything they can to have copies available--maybe read it first, though, so you can defend it to possible censors.

[Shanu · Rating 4 out of 5]

The first part of the book (in which the author explains what made her suicidal and what we should change into society) was a bit irrelevant to me because it was focused on (trans)gender's issues. I am not concerned by that, not because i'm cis straight but because sexuality and genders are not something that matters to me. While some people struggle to put a 5 nouns label on themselves, i just don't feel the need to define or categorize myself.

Regarding the writing style, it was not perfect but it was clear enough so the reader could get the point.

The second part of the book is more interesting : it's a list of 101 things you could do instead of killing yourself. Some of them will not appeal to you, some of them you've already done but i'm sure there is at least one reason that you could use for the time being, and i think that if an idea in this book kept your mind away from suicide for even a minute or two, that's awesome.

As i read the 101 ideas, i noticed how many of them i've done, some with the conscious attempt to fight depression, other just because that was all i could do at a certain point. Some of them i've considered but never did and some other i didn't think about.

That's why i think that this book is great, because it has some real talk in it. Also the fact that someone out there took the time to write a book for us with the genuine intention to help us is heart warming.

The main message of this book is : pursue happiness, be the best you can be, don't be mean to yourself and to others.

[Ciara · Rating 3 out of 5]

i guess i read this book strictly from curiosity. i am not a teenager & i haven't been wild about kate bornstein, particularly. but perhaps if i had a distraught teenager in my life--or a surly one, or one that wouldn't talk to anyone--i would pass this book along. it has many coping mechanisms ideas for young folks (& folks of all ages who may be having some trouble getting through their days) who feel alienated from their families, schools, & general communities, maybe because they are queer or trans or dealing with some kind of trauma, whatever. kate's not judging or prescribing who can & can't access her book. the ideas are rated according to how effective they are in helping a person over a stumbling block, & at what cost to a person's general health, because kate is all about harm reduction & helping people get through bit by bit, instead of bossing people around & forcing them to change their destructive coping strategies (like cutting, or using drugs) if those strategies seem to be working in the short-term. she's all about the baby steps, which is actually pretty good advice for people going through some rough times. i don't know that i necessarily took much away from it for my own hard times, but maybe i'll give it another look the next time i feel especially crummy. my only quibble: every now & again, the voice kate uses, which i think is an attempt at being chummy & approachable, smacks of being slightly condescending. &