Self-Sabotage: And Other Ways I’ve Spent My Time – An Honest, Funny Memoir of Gay Life in the South and Acceptance

by Jeffery Self

In the vein of works by Gary Janetti and Danny Pellegrino, a hilarious and deeply moving memoir-in-essays about dreaming big, making art, and trying to maintain your sanity in a truly madcap world.

Jeffery Self always knew he was born with something. What he didn’t know was where that something would take him. He had his share of obstacles—the usual foibles of gay adolescence, amplified in the vast wasteland of the American South and the odd characters who peopled it. (To say nothing of the one mom in dance class who simply had it out for him. . .) Determined to make something of his talents, Jeffrey would journey from his home state of Georgia to New York to North Carolina to New York again to Los Angeles to New York yet again. In each place, he got one step closer to finding his destiny—while enduring a hearty dose of bipolarity for good measure.

In this, his first book for adults, Jeffery escorts us to shoddy college theater productions and parties thrown by Broadway stars, downtown comedy rooms and adventure-filled bedrooms—a series of unending adventures in his fervent pursuit of a life of creativity and Something Big. His quest for fulfillment and genius at self-invention would lead to acting stints on television and in film, a live comedy tour around the world, meeting his heroes, falling in love, getting his heart broken, breaking other people’s hearts, hating himself, and on the best of days, finding stuff to like about himself, too.

A portrait of a young man becoming an artist, Self-Sabotage asks how you become the person you want to be when so much of yourself is a secret—and how you learn to accept yourself when it’s not. Wise and profound, it is also, of course, side-splittingly funny.

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, Humor, LGBT, Essays, Audiobook, Queer

272 pages, Hardcover

Published March 11, 2025

About the author

Jeffery Self is a writer and performer based in Los Angeles. He recently co--wrote and starred in "You're Killing Me", a feature film distributed by Wolfe Releasing. He was the co-creator and star of "Jeffery and Cole Casserole" on Logo (with Cole Escola). He has appeared in various television shows such as 90210, Difficult People, Hot In Cleveland, Shameless, and 30 Rock. He has produced/written on "Billy On The Street", "Gay Of Thrones", and "Rupaul's Gay For Play". He is the author of three books: "Straight People: A Spotter's Guide", "Fifty Shades Of Gay", and "Drag Teen". He hosts a weekly podcast called "This Is Really Important" on iTunes.

Reviews

[Ben Evans-Duran · Rating 5 out of 5]

Gosh, sometimes I love gay guys so much

[Lucia · Rating 5 out of 5]

I feel less alone

[Annika Reno · Rating 5 out of 5]

I simply adored this book. Jeffery Self is a talent—as reflective as he is destructive. Maybe this says more about me than I should care to share, but I noticed myself feeling impressed by or in awe of his sheer self-confidence in the face of pretty intense disappointment. I guess that’s what it takes to write and publish such an honest book.

Last thing I’ll say: Jeffrey Self reads to me like a gay male millennial Mary Karr and no, not because they’re both southern belles with generational trauma and serious mental illness. I’m talking about their deft writing style. I love both because of the ease with which they tackle themes of pain and suffering with more than a little levity. Absolutely profound!

[Renata · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ooof, very funny of course but also really painful in its honesty at times. I know that's a cliche to say but what can you do.

[Leah · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was really funny, really smart, and really well-written. I’ll read almost any book of memoir-ish essays, and most are fine, many are good. These made me laugh out loud, cry, and think about the ways he turned phrases. And many of the stories will really stick with me, like all of his Broadway and sex work stories – just perfection. What a complicated, self-aware, and beautifully vulnerable person.

[Richard · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a book club pick. I had no idea who Jeffrey Self was, although in one of those odd synchronicities of life, I watched the movie Drop the day I started reading this book and he's in it.

I can't say that I exactly fell in love with him or his writing, but my God the pop culture references! So many and so delicious!

[Wells Woolcott · Rating 4 out of 5]

I feel like Mr. Self and Louis Virtel are my gay godfathers/who I’m destined to become (If I’m lucky). Perhaps I should try the fan mail thing

[Erin · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.5 ⭐️ (rounded up) This is the exact type of non-fiction I adore. Through these humorous yet deeply poignant essays Jeffery Self shares some beautiful truths about mental health and self-discovery. The pop-culture references resonated with me growing up in the same time as AOL chat rooms and AIM (and later morphing to DMs). My favorite part was by far the theatre references, from tie ins to some of the absolute greats of Broadway to delving deep into that downward spiral of rejection shame. My inner kid (who clearly thought she was destined for Broadway) felt very seen and validated by Self’s experiences.

𝐻𝒾𝑔𝒽𝓁𝒾𝑔𝒽𝓉𝓈:
✨Non-Fiction
✨Personal Essay Format
✨Mental Health Rep
✨Self-Discovery
✨Soooooo many theatre references

Thank you to the author and HarperOne for the reader copy. My opinions are my own.

[Katie Smith-Siegel · Rating 5 out of 5]

A+ audiobook!

[Ed · Rating 3 out of 5]

Read this one as part of Allstora's (Very Gay) Book Club. I was hoping for a quick, easy, and fun read given that it had been a hell-ish stretch ... so bad that I didn't even pick up a book for about 6 weeks, which is definitely my longest reading "break" of my adult life. Given that, it may explain that I still wasn't in a great head-space and ultimately didn't have a great reaction/experience with this one despite it being a quick, easy, and at times... fun read.

I likely wouldn't have picked up this book if it wasn't automatically sent to me. Self is a writer/performer, but I am guessing for most ... including me... not someone you have ever heard of, tho guessing I may be too old as I am guessing he has a cult following in the gay community. I've run in to this before with memoirs of folks who aren't household names in that I really don't care about reading about their sex life. Now if it was the same stories written by say Ricky Martin , that would have ... ahem!... piqued my interest much more, so to speak. Likewise, when you don't "know" the person you are reading about in order for the book to work you have to enjoy spending time with them or latch onto something personality-wise, and that just wasn't the case
here. It just kind of all got old quick for me.

So yes, a pretty bitchy take ... but again, Self had a very steep hill to climb in order to break through my real-world woes. I am sure many others would enjoy Self's tales and humor. Unofficially 2.5 stars for me, but a goodwill round-up to a Goodreads 3 stars for being the first book I finished in pretty long time.

[Crystal · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hilarious. Literally laughed out loud multiple times. Not sure why this seems so relatable, I literally have nothing in common with this man, but it was. Heartwarming, disgusting, hilarious and relatable.

[Annie Deutsch · Rating 4 out of 5]

Brutally honest and vulnerable, with enjoyable gay Broadway humor along the way.

[Kirk · Rating 4 out of 5]

In Self-Sabotage, Jeffery Self talks about some of his past favorite things including running away and taking to bed. Speaking of the latter, the kids call it bed rot these days. I’m a fan of both. I also ran away from (redacted) but back to the review. Jeffery Self is a funny guy and wordsmith. There’s not a chapter called Yes And but it is mentioned. I cackled with Jeffery along with every nudge nudge wink wink. I spent a lot of time on YouTube (re)searching surviving videos of Jeffery & Cole Casserole, VGL Boys and Sweatin’ to Sondheim. I found myself being gay past cultured. Read if you’re a fan of the theatre, self-doubt, hilarious bons mots and slutty shenanigans. ARC provided by HarperOne via NetGalley. I received an advance reading copy for free and I am leaving this review voluntarily.

[Thomas · Rating 3 out of 5]

I have been a fan of Jeffrey's since his early years of YouTube with Cole Escola. While Jeffrey does not believe he is as talented as Cole, and reminds us of this often, I as the viewer never felt that when watching their comedy.

However, as funny as I have always found Jeffrey, he starts out the book trying to be funny rather than just being his normal witty self. A lot of those wink, wink, nudge, nudge jokes start in the first chapter. But after that, he falls into a good pace of heartwarming, funny, sometimes sad, and often relatable stories that makes us as the reader root for him even when he is not understanding his own value.

Lastly, Jeffrey completely glosses over his meeting and courtship with his husband. He mentions it casually (the wedding, a move to NYC), but not much else. We would have loved to hear how it all began, how being with someone who shares a similar career translates in a marriage rather than it did when he was friends with someone he was creating with.

Still a fan, but one left wanting more.

[Blake Lagneaux · Rating 2 out of 5]

Some alternate titles for this memoir: “I Was a Teenage Asshole, But Let Me Explain” or “Bro, Just Take Your Meds.” Actually, this felt less like a memoir, and more like a writing assignment from Jeffery Self’s therapist or sponsor. He’s clearly still working some shit out, and that’s fine. Of course, I take into account his very real struggles with mental health, and genuinely hope he’s found some level of stability and happiness. And there are definitely moments of humor throughout his story. I think what kept stinging throughout his stories was his ability to repeatedly blowup his life and relationships, but somehow always still fail upward. He spends a lot of time telling us how broke he was, but the narrative still drips with privilege. I just don’t think you’re so easily allowed so many do-overs if you’re not a cis, white, gay guy (Note: Yes, that also describes me). I think his aim here was to be specific and charmingly self-deprecating, but landed on bitchy and kinda basic.

[Revri · Rating 4 out of 5]

OVERALL RATING: 8.67/10 -> 4 stars on GR.

Credibility: 10
It takes so much balls to not just look back but also air all of your dirty laundry and messiness in detail.

Setting/Theme: 8
His untangling of his own tendency of "self-sabotage" by reflecting on his many episodes is really fascinating. I just wish each chapter felt less like carving from the same mold and added something new to the discussion.

Writing Style: 10
The occasional witty remarks really help lighten some of the heavier stuff, but he leverages them so delicately that they never make the book feel unserious.

Personal Impact: 7
I don't share much in common with what he's been through, so it's a tough hill for this book. I guess I did connect with his experiences; it just wasn't impactful enough to evoke a deeper sentiment in me.

Logic/Informativeness: 7
I learn a lot about the gay scene (and Broadway scene) in NYC as well as the author—which I don't think is his main priority when writing this book.

The conclusion at the end—while beautiful—is a little cliché and drops too immaturely with the narrative thus far. It would be better if he showed some personal progress leading up to that mindset in the previous chapters.

Intrigue/Enjoyment: 10
For someone who didn't know him beforehand—yes, I'm that person who only knows Cole and read this because Matt Bomer recommended this—I was so invested in the trainwreck of his past, as well as his reflection.

[Dillon · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5

I picked this up at just the right time. Self-Sabotage is biting, hilarious, and uncomfortably honest in all the best ways. Jeffrey Self has this sharp, self-aware voice that makes you feel seen and roasted at the same time. It’s like he’s holding up a mirror, but he’s doing it with glitter and sarcasm and a cocktail of tough love and real talk.

This book doesn’t try to be a self-help manual; it’s more like that brutally honest friend who calls you out, then hugs you while you cry-laugh. For me, it hit especially hard as someone who's been working to show up more honestly in my own life. The way Self breaks down how we get in our own way; especially in love, ambition, and self-worth felt painfully real and strangely empowering.

Also, it’s funny. Like, actually funny. If you’ve ever spiraled through your own drama while pretending you’re above it all, this book gets you.

Highly recommend for anyone craving clarity, catharsis, and a few well-earned laughs at their own expense.

[Ja · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hilarious and self deprecating, Jeffery Self is all about himself. He reflects on a life filled with personal misadventures and perhaps choices that weren't exactly the best in hindsight, but told through a lens filled with current self-love, reflection, and hope for his future.

There were some chapters and some specific shitty incidents (IYKYK) that made me just laugh out loud. It takes a certain amount of courage to be able to share some of these events with the whole world...or at least whoever might decide to pick up the book and actually read it. As a likewise millennial, I reveled in many of the references from AOL chatrooms to the coming-of-age moments in the early 2000s that speak true to a very specific era. There are a lot of people out there that will feel seen and validated by Self's musings, as he puts to page the very things that makes the rest of our hearts sing with joy.

Short, sweet, and ever so funny, this is a treasure of a read.

[Mediaman · Rating 3 out of 5]

Self-flagellation to the greatest degree for a gay comedian, this is a step above the typical gay memoirs (which are usually one- or two-stars) by including dramatic amounts of self-awareness and even a few lessons that include condemnation of the homosexual community by the very out Self.

There is much to unpack in the book. It is well written in spots, but often the timeline jumps make no sense. Then following an amazing penultimate chapter about his troubled marriage, the whole thing falls apart in the final section where the author has no idea how to summarize his last few years to wrap it up.

Add to that the fact that there are almost no stories about his IMDb credits, nor those of his husband or the famous boyfriends/hookups he had. Why write a memoir and then fail to give us any behind-the-scenes details into most of the famous people and shows he was involved with?

Self does know how to turn a phrase and insert obscure pop culture references from 30 years ago, so there are plenty of humorous moments. Compare that to his robust amounts of illegal substance abuse, alcoholic consumption, and detailed gay sex...all before he turns 18 years old! The guy committed a lot of crimes, mooched off friends for years without apology, disappointed his family and colleagues by abandoning them whenever he felt trapped, and the picture the writer paints of himself is of one big mess. He contemplates suicide, becomes incredibly jealous of fellow gays that are more successful (like former creative partner Cole Escola), and constantly self-sabotages. Hmm, maybe that's where he got the title from? At least that's better than blame-shifting, which most other similar memoirs do.

Along the way he only alludes to going to Catholic elementary and middle school with no specifics on how it or religion impacted his life. While he says in his mind he was "gay from birth," in reality he seems to have become self-aware of his same sex attraction at age ten when his father took a job five hours away from home and was only around on the weekends, leading to Self both withdrawing from the world while joining a theater group (even starting his own as a teen). "I became so distraught that I took to bed and wouldn't even come out for the birthday party my mom threw for me." Eventually he quit self-taught home schooling to run off to New York City, with his parents not objecting. Weird.

Add to that a wacky grandmother he adored and copied, who dealt with life by going overboard with makeup, costumes, and checking herself into a hospital whenever she wanted attention or to have some of the hospital food she loved. All of this contributed to the character he is today.

In the hands of a skilled writer who would draw conclusions from looking at the big picture, it could have provided rare insight into why Jeffery Self turned out the way he did and why others like him may have had similar childhood influences on their life choices. But the author stops short of that because he's simply too self-centered, never really thinking about the feelings of others or how he can actually make changes based on his bad choices. He carries with him constant shame, but (as typical of most queer memoirs I've read) he treats that as always being a negative when in truth there are some wonderful motivating reasons why our body and mind feel ashamed of our actions, thoughts and words.

Then there's the mental illness he says he has. It's unclear if he has been professionally diagnosed or it's just an excuse where he's looking for sympathy. After all, the guy consumed huge amounts of illegal drugs, had sex with hundreds of men for pay, consumed enough liquor to be considered an alcoholic, and then had prescription meds to deal with his mental illness (though they're the one thing he gets off of every once in a while so he can keep partying with the other substances he abuses!). Why do celebrity memoirs never see the connection between early teen drug or alcohol abuse and later mental illness? And how did this guy with no income pay for all those drugs and drinks, while friends allowed him to live for free in their places?

One of the best chapters is "Ugh, gay guy," where he puts together a list of many things he finds disgusting and disturbing about members of the homosexual community. It's lengthy and accurate insight into what really goes on with self-focused guys that jump from trick to bar stranger. Self became emotionally involved in mostly unpaid hookups (and even some of the guys he got paid to sleep with during his sex worker years), but eventually tired of it. "Exhausted by what I saw as continuous coldhearted rejection but what other guys saw as simply hookups like a normal person." It's sad that one-and-done sexual trysts adding up to hundreds of nameless partners are now considered "normal" within the community and those that want monogamy or that have any moral conscience are the oddballs.

The marriage chapter is outstanding. His husband Augie entered his life "fast and furiously" and the writer suddenly became domestic after dumping a few other guys. That's until COVID hit and his loved one was across the globe shooting "Lord of the Rings" TV series (again, no information included on that major event!). Their breakup and forced weeks together alone in New Zealand, along with his insights into how marriage is like a cracked mirror, are something we all can learn from.

Overall it's a good book that has a few errors (including oddly saying this is his "first adult book" because he is embarrassed by his two previous adult texts you have to hunt for on line titled "50 Shades of Gay" and "Straight People") and sadly ends with a messy chapter that proves him to be confused, escaping L.A. for New York City, and unwilling to grow up. He may be extremely self-aware but appears to have become too comfortable accepting the self-sabotage in himself and others.

[Fraser · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think I've had my fill of "gay guy essays" this year, but this one is by far the best. I've loved Jeffery's work since my sister and I discovered him and Bryan Safi's "What Do You Think ___ Is Doing Right Now" videos on YouTube. I followed him on all social media platforms and witnessed the documenting of his mental health struggles, of which he goes over in this book, and it really opened my eyes to the kind of person he is, or sees himself to be.

I will say that this book made me really sad! Self is so incredibly critical of both his ups and downs throughout his life and career. He's always the villain in all his stories, never giving excuses but sometimes comes across as a little too self-loathing. It's tough! I appreciate how raw and honest he is about his mistakes, but I hope he can also appreciate how funny and talented his is too.

[Herbie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Funny and honest.

I loved this passage about marriage (p219)

Just like those same mirrors that crack and shatter with each tiny hurt that a couples becomes to each other. The same mirrors made out of pieces you constantly figure out new ways to put back together, a constantly shifting puzzle called togetherness. No matter how many dents and cracks a mirror gets, it still finds new ways to reflect not just you but the light and the darkness as well - all the things that bring you joy and make you laugh, but also the things that you're most afraid of. Maybe it's the unknown or your own untrustworthy brain or your self-annihilating tendencies, or maybe it's just Virginia Woolf.

But you're afraid and you're hopeful and you're growing up.
Together.
And I guess that's it? That's why. That's marriage.

[Anthony · Rating 3 out of 5]

Listened to the audiobook, and I wonder (as I always seem to) if I would have enjoyed this more just reading it. Self’s delivery was at times entertaining but mostly just too performative for me to enjoy. He’s funny often, sure, but digging way too hard for the laughs for my taste. If he would have stripped back the one-liners and all the name dropping of famous people and places, I would have enjoyed this more. I definitely enjoyed some of his childhood and adolescent stories the most because there was a bit less of that going on. But maybe it just wouldn’t have felt true to him without all the pop culture references and self-deprecating comedy, in which case he might not be for me - at least in this context (I would 100% go see if he ever did stand up). The chapter about his experience with sex work (I think ‘Looking for Generous’) was my favorite.

[Tavia · Rating 4 out of 5]

Jeffery Self’s novel talks about his experiences as a gay man with a lot of mental health issues but he always spins things in a funny way. Whether ignoring a bleeding gogo dancer, attending an underwear party on Fire Island, or hiding in a bathroom instead of working/socializing/attending class, he always manages to elicit a laugh. Don’t get me wrong, there’s a lot about him spiraling into depression or manic behavior but it was all interesting.

I have no clue who this guy is, but the book was funny. Jeffery Self is an actor, director and writer. He has been in some crazy situations and experienced a lot for someone born in 1987. I laughed out loud a few times.

Thanks to HarperOne and NetGalley for an ARC of this book.

[Reader Bason · Rating 5 out of 5]

I feel ashamed to say that I didn’t know much about the author going in blind. It was a book for a book club. But I happily went into it, and then realized that some people’s stories must be the elder gay millennial experience, because I resonated with so many of the experiences he had gone through. And after he said that Cole Escola was his bestie, I was like, oh well he’s good in my book then. And he was good in this book! Now that I have somewhat of a feeling for who he is, I’m now going to look for him everywhere to appreciate more of his creative genius.

[Todd · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm trying to remember why I reserved this. I don't know who Jeffrey Self is, even after reading the bio. I suspect it's a prior book club book, but I don't know. It's a very entertaining read. I never quite know how to take some of the memoirs, especially of people I don't know. Is it real? Is it an internet troll? It seems genuine, so I have to take it as read. Very well written and entertaining. He doesn't seem to pull any punches in Self reflection (get it?). Quite funny in parts, dark in others. All in all a good read.

[Alli · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank you NetGalley for the ARC - I could not put this book down!!!

Even not knowing all the references and not being a gay man, Jeffrey Self manages to see something in all of us and face the moments we shy away from even as he proclaims he is running and hiding. Love his writing style, his tone, his narrative - I could listen to this man talk about anything. I will be recommending this to everyone I know, and checking out his other works!!

A tour de force!

[Amanda · Rating 4 out of 5]

Funny but also dark. I literally had no idea who Jeffery was before reading this. I was just desperate for an audiobook while I was on a walk, and in scrolling, I saw my library had this one available. I loved how many times Jeffery referenced The Rosie O'Donnell Show. I'm glad I stumbled upon this.

[shelved by elle · Rating 3 out of 5]

not enough self-sabotage happening in these waters. the list of reasons to (or not to) sabotage are completely unnecessary. buuut props for being hilarious. one can tell from the get-go that a gay person wrote this. a hundred percent sure they're fun to be with. they failed to keep me on my toes however; and by page 180 i'm already tired of all the sex going on that are supposedly hot (it's not).

[Will White · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a fun read by a writer who is willing to portray himself in a rather unforgiving and negative light. It doesn't always make him an easy companion to “be with” as a reader, but he's willing to share his salacious and audacious stories.

The book deserved better editing, both copyediting and style editing; with those in place, this could have been a five.

[mondo · Rating 3 out of 5]

I LOVE when gay guys go on podcasts and tell anecdotes where they are clearly the villain (compliment). You can find many such cases in podcasts like seek treatment, straightiolab, very delta.

This book is very much that!

Jeffery I know you’re reading this. Please write a fiction book about a gay guy who is very much the villain in his own story. delicious!