Love Sick: One Woman's Journey through Sexual Addiction

by Sue William Silverman

A powerful, deeply personal and often lyrical memoir of a woman learning to value herself as a person rather than a sex object, after years of sexual abuse by her father. Silverman's message is relevant to anyone suffering from addictions.

A deeply personal story of a woman's addiction to and recovery from the high of dangerous encounters. In this powerful, often lyrical memoir, a woman learns to value herself---as a whole person rather than as a sexual object.

Recounting her past experiences as part of her journey toward recovery, Sue William Silverman explores her skewed belief that sex is love, a belief that began with her father's sexual abuse from early childhood into adolescence. She tells of college years in Boston, an early marriage in Galveston, and a roller-coaster life of sex and self-destructive behavior.

Finally, having become addicted to danger itself, she hits bottom emotionally and spiritually. At this point, with the help of a trusted therapist, Silverman begins to discover the difference between the high of dangerous encounters and the more reliable promise of love.

This utterly candid account may be the first book by a woman to examine sexual addiction. But the misguided search that became Silverman's life has resonance for other addictions, whether to food, drugs, alcohol, or work---anyone whose only satisfaction is now.

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, Psychology, Addiction, Sexuality, Self Help, Biography Memoir

304 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2001

About the author

Sue William Silverman's new memoir-in-essays is HOW TO SURVIVE DEATH and OTHER INCONVENIENCES (University of Nebraska Press), and was listed as "1 of 9 essay collections feminists should read in 2020" by Bitch Media. Her previous memoirs are THE PAT BOONE FAN CLUB: MY LIFE AS A WHITE ANGLO-SAXON JEW (University of Nebraska Press); LOVE SICK: ONE WOMAN'S JOURNEY THROUGH SEXUAL ADDICTION (W.W. Norton), which also aired as a Lifetime Television original movie, and BECAUSE I REMEMBER TERROR, FATHER, I REMEMBER YOU (University of Georgia Press), which won the AWP award in creative nonfiction. Her craft book is FEARLESS CONFESSIONS: A WRITER'S GUIDE TO MEMOIR, and her poetry collections are IF THE GIRL NEVER LEARNS (Brick Mantel Books) and HIEROGLYPHICS IN NEON (Orchises Press). As a professional speaker she has appeared on "The View," "Anderson Cooper-360," "CNN-Headline News," the Montel Williams Show, and the Discovery Channel. She teaches in the MFA in Writing program at the Vermont College of Fine Arts.

Reviews

[Dino-Jess ✮ The Book Eating Dinosaur ✮ · Rating 4 out of 5]

To the librarian that put this on the shelf at exactly my eye level, I salute you. I never would have known this book existed had I not stumbled upon it at the library. So, thank you.

I found this book absolutely fascinating. I went into it thinking that I might get something along the lines of the Sandra Bullock movie, 28 Days. Boy, was I way off in my expectations. This book is nothing like that at all. There is no comic relief here. No tales of hilarity, no taking the piss out of yourself and the other addicts around you. Nope. None of that.

What is in this book, is an incredibly raw, visceral account of one woman's experience as a sex addict in a 28 day treatment program. Sue William Silverman doesn't sugarcoat anything in her experiences, in her reflections, in her revelations. Sure, she paints a bit of a purple picture with the purple prose and flowery language that can be a little much at times, but overall this felt so authentic that I nearly felt as if I had been through the program myself.

There are some incredible truth bombs here. Reading about the experiences that Sue and her fellow addicts went through may make you uncomfortable as you may have done, or thought, some of the same things that these patients have. I know I certainly had moments of self reflection whilst reading this that I was not expecting.

A powerful and heartfelt memoir, I will be seeking out more of her work in the future. I sure hope my library has her other books.

Heavy, but authentic. Go in with your emotional armor ready.

4 red-crayon-heart Stars

[Vonia · Rating 3 out of 5]

Mixed feelings on this one. Sue William Silverman apparently has a creative writing degree, and I can see that in the way some of the chapters are written like prose, even attempts at poetry. She definitely offers some important insights into the world of an addict, but I cannot say I found her to be a good writer overall. I felt a little disoriented in the depths of the story, and felt that she could have written with a little more stability and anchors to the real world. 

I have to say that with such minimal options what I comes to memoirs on sex addiction, props to Miller for being so raw and honest with her feelings and her experience through treatment. As someone who has struggled with her own addictions, I can identify with Nanny if the things she touches upon and applaud her for sharing her story. I especially appreciate that she did not make her story a perfect fairytale ending because I know that would not be an honest account. Any serious addiction is a lifelong battle with plenty of relapses and struggling. One important theme that I found Silverman exemplified well was how all addictions are the same; how all the women she was in treatment with were the same, whether there drug of choice was food, the absence of food, sex, abstinence, alcohol, drugs, to be, or not to be, they were all trying to replace real love. Whether it be due to being sexually abused as a child or never being taught what true love was, they all ended up with the same disordered coping mechanisms. They are now trying to fill an endless void. To find themselves. To learn to love themselves rather than love their addiction. 

The Good: The honesty & raw emotion; difficult to read ramblings in the midst of her addiction. This shows readers that going to treatment, even graduating from it, does not mean recovery. I liked that she told how, even in recovery, the program was not perfect. One of the nursing staff members, Gabriel, had his own problems and pursued both her and Jill, another patient. She escapes one night, reverting to her old ways, meeting the married man Richard in "their room" in the Rainbow Motel (Much to her embarrassment, not only do the owners know her, but their daughter always knows what room she stays in.) Silverman's narratives of treatment, the groups, the competitive subculture, the "weekend passes", the mandalas in art therapy, the tracing of bodies in body image group, the cliche quotes in the twelve step programs, the words from her therapist Ted, were written with accuracy as far as I can remember from my personal experience and work as Social Worker intern. Her husband Andrew was also not perfect, and she had yet to reveal her real story to him, even by the end of the narrative. Rather than dislike this, I appreciated that Silverman admits to readers how vulnerable​ she still is and how far she is from being "cured". How, in a way, hey recovery is barely beginning. Because addiction is a lifelong struggle. 

The Bad: The writing was not really great, seemed to lose focus often. This seemed more of a therapeutic assignment than a story meant to be shared. There also was a lot of repetition, which might be what treatment is like, but not entertaining for readers. Overall, not much happens. She goes into treatment, we learn more about her history through flashbacks, she learns a little about herself through treatment and her experience with other girls there, and then she leaves, a little better and a little more insightful. This is why most readers would hate this book. But guess what? This is reality. This is the truth. This is exactly what would happen in real life. Treatment does not do miracles. It gives you a foothold to grasp and you better hang on for dear life for that to carry you through to recovery, because relapse will be there waiting for you even before you step out that hospital door. 

So although I respect Silverman for staying true to the facts, I do wish her account encompassed more; at least told of more time before and after she entered treatment. On some level, this account is inaccurate in that is only tells of her time in treatment, which is like trying to portray yourself only in the best light in the best of times. 

The Amazing: I am restating here, but I find it necessary to restate the importance of the honesty here. Treatment is not a miracle. Sometimes, nothing happens. If readers insist on this, that is what leads to authors like James Frey to be tempted to make things up (not that I condone his decisions in any way).

[Jeannie · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a hard book to read and I'm torn on whether I liked it that much or not. I liked it in that it was well-written and I came to care about her struggles but didn't like it in that it made me think and see myself. I know that sounds crazy and I'm not sure if I'm explaining how this book made me feel. It honestly scared me because I think I learned some truths about myself while reading it and that's hard for me to handle. This is an in-depth look at overcoming an addiction that really hit home for me. Ms. Silverman is an amazing author.

[Mary K · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book. I was as entranced by the writing as by the story. The chapter with her older lover was perfectly written - you could feel the compulsion in your bones. My second book by this author and she doesn’t disappoint.

[Jennifer · Rating 1 out of 5]

Awful. Just awful.

I love reading memoirs; they are a guilty pleasure. I've read many, many types of memoiro; drug addiction, alcoholism, food addiction, sex addiction...you get the idea. Of all of the addictions, it seems that sex addicts as a whole lack the ability to have any level of introspection or accountability for their actions. There are plenty of explanations, ranging from parental neglect to childhood sexual abuse. And while of course these things are terrible and difficult to overcome, they remain excuses. When push comes to shove, it is YOU who is responsible for your actions. Sexual abuse in your past does not mean that you are hopelessly sentenced to being a whore as an adult.

Sadly, Sue Williams Silverman fits the sterotypical sex addict. It's not her fault that she sleeps with each and every man who shows the slightest bit of interest in her. It's not her fault that she is unable to stay faithful to her husband.

The worst part of this book was the complete lack of resolution. Sue simply leaves her treatment facility and goes home. It is unclear what (if anything) she plans to do to remain "sober". There is no discussion about how she plans (or even if she plans) to salvage her marriage.

Also frustrating about this book was the constant jumping around. One minute we are at the treatment facilty. The next minute we are in Boston watching neighbors through their windows. Jumpy, random, and not at all worth reading.

[Jane Downey · Rating 5 out of 5]

Easy read, super engaging. Literally could not put it down, so cool to get her perspective on her addiction/relationship experiences

[Alison]

A hard book. A good book. Not for the faint of heart. The author is on the faculty of VCFA, and I've crossed paths with her for three years now at the summer post grad writing conference. But it took my all that time to gather the courage to read her powerful memoir. AS one review put it, it would be best if these kinds of books did not have to be written, but they must, the stories must be told. Rule of thumb for the uninitiated: folks don't usually go around being hypersexual and promiscuous if they have not survived some kind of abusive in their childhood. Sex addiction isn't about the sex; it's a flawed and dangerous way to try to relieve a psychic wound. Bravo to Silverman for the courage to write about this painful time in her life.

[Patrick Ross · Rating 5 out of 5]

Bias alert: Sue was my third-semester advisor in my MFA program at the Vermont College of Fine Arts and was the primary reason I chose that program. This is an even more masterful memoir than her first. I particularly like the way she frames the story in her treatment program, a narrative line moving through that day by day while we get a portrait of her life, her poor choices, and the reasons for those choices. You don't have to have read her first book to appreciate this one; in fact I read this one first. Sue is a master at metaphor but she also is a master at compelling voice, and that is very much true in this book.

[Melani · Rating 1 out of 5]

The author somehow found a way to make her interesting experiences boring. I felt like I was sitting in on the therapy session of someone who hasn't much insight. My guess is that Silverman still hasn't dealt with her eating disorder and it is blocking her from experiencing her life with more depth and clarity.

[Erin · Rating 2 out of 5]

Heard about this on Oprah, so I'm guessing it's not as salacious as it sounds.....

Self-indulgent and not all that compelling. I'm wondering if she used all her good stories in her first book (which actually sounds quite interesting).

[Allison · Rating 4 out of 5]

I liked this book. SWS does a good job of giving us enough to hold onto as readers without falling into an emotional mess. I was reading this book at night before bed, and I had very strange abstract dreams filled with color.

[Nancy Nelson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Powerful journey through sexual addiction therapy after her childhood molestation by her father. See also "When I Think of Terror, Father. . ."

[Julene · Rating 4 out of 5]

Love Sick is a hard book to read, especially early in recovery. But as she begins to form relationships with the women, we feel her beginning to change.

She introduces Jeffrey Dahmer, and brings him up about three times in the book. She writes, “Jeffrey Dahmer’s family isn’t much different from our own. Three years before Dahmer was caught, his family discovered a vat filled with bones and slime in his grandmother’s house where he was staying. The family couldn’t tell if the bones were animal or human. Nothing was ever reported." Dahmer killed 17 boys and men then dismembered and ate them. On an outing to the zoo with her inpatient group, after an ordinary family walks by with a young son, she starts thinking about Jeffrey Dahmer and wants to take his hand to lead him in a different direction. She tells the other women, and their group starts laughing and chanting rhymes. Black humor both in face of and in comparison to the normalcy they are experiencing eating an ordinary lunch of chicken salad sandwiches at the zoo. She quotes her therapist, "I mean, Ted is right. It's about seeing ordinary things. " I motion toward the man with his family, "I mean why can't we just see an ordinary man without creating some fantasy."

At the end she is getting back on track, we're left unknowing how it will work out, but she had survived the first major steps of treatment. Once home, she does not answer the ringing phone that is most likely the man she has been meeting weekly for sex at the Rainbow Motel. Instead she called her therapist and talks it through, in several long messages. After feeling the frustration of her addiction to sex, we see she is in the process of change.

[Debbie Hagan · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is my second time reading this remarkable memoir, and I gained so much more on this deeper, more focused reread I would describe this book as a follow-up to Silverman's classic Because I Remember Terror, Father, I Remember You, which describes the years that Silverman's father's sexually abused her, beginning when she was a young child. Love Sick goes one step further, exploring Silverman's sexual addiction that rises from being taught by her father that sex is love and in order to feel whole and to feel loved, she is driven to have sex with strangers and sometimes dangerous men. The book opens when Silverman enters a hospital to cure her sex addiction. Through Silverman's eyes, readers goes on a bumpy journey with the narrator as she tries to understand herself and her compulsion to be with men who are not good for her...in fact, many of the men are selfish and use and take advantage of her, but she still sees it as love and is driven to have sex with them. The book helps readers understand the deep scars left by sexual abuse and how it reprograms the brain so the victim sees love and sex differently than others may see it. This is a well-written, fascinating, candid book on a subject that few people write about.

[Mayumi Shimose Poe · Rating 4 out of 5]

These too many years after having Sue William Silverman as a writing teacher at Vermont College of Fine Arts, I finally cracked the spine of her memoir, Love Sick. As the book details her journey through sexual addiction and recovery, I expected to admire the craft, the prose, the shape of the thing. I did not expect to find myself in the pages, but I did so, unexpectedly and often, in SWS’s need to learn to see and accept this normal, imperfect world, in her slow process of coming to language as a way of doing so. Writing is a method of feeling, instead of numbing, a way through tough things; writing is a way of seeing, and seeing again (literally re-vision), and seeing from different perspectives; it is empathy, healing, choosing how to live a life, instead of letting life live us. So thankful for this book and its many ways of reaching and teaching me.

[Paula Galvan · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this memoir well-written and very moving. After suffering through the devastation of childhood incest, the author interpreted sex as love. A dangerous and scary place to be. Telling her most intimate secrets while documenting her therapy, I found the author's story of recovering from sex addiction sad, touching, and sometimes shocking. Apparently, while writing this book, she still had a relationship with her parents, which is unthinkable to me. I will see if Ms. Silverman has written more on that subject in another book.

[Danyel · Rating 3 out of 5]

A very interesting and poignant tale of sex addiction. It chronicles Sue's 28 days in rehab. Well written and extremely honest. It forces the reader to reflect on their own insecurities and maybe even their own dangerous sexual behaviour. A good read!!!

[Deb Richards · Rating 5 out of 5]

Silverman “tells it like it is” in this raw and vulnerable memoir. It is not just the story of her sexual addiction but how that played into her issues with food as well. All too relatable, making it a page turner for me.

[Amy · Rating 5 out of 5]

I came to Sue William Silverman via her writing ABOUT writing memoir, which I use with my writing students all the time. And guess what, her actual memoirs are fantastic too! This is an honest, intelligent, emotionally brave book about addiction, love, sex, abuse, rehab, and finding one’s way.

[Brianne Davis · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank you Sue for paving the way and bringing the addiction to the world before me. I'm honored to have you on the road with me and thank you for your support!

[K. Wergland · Rating 5 out of 5]

A frank, fearless look at sexual addiction, written by a poet with an unflinching eye.

[Sondra Santos · Rating 5 out of 5]

In Love Sick, Sue William Silverman discloses details about her abusive past, her addiction with men and how she formed her views and beliefs of sex and what it means to love and be loved.

During Sue's therapy and in-patient treatment, she discovers that all addicts are similar in many ways.

In Sue's words:
"Sex addiction isn't about sex. It's about power and control. It's about numbing feelings. Just like alcoholism isn't about alcohol and eating disorders aren't about food."

"We hear the message of sex in subliminal whispers as well as bombarded across the airwaves. We smell it, hear it, touch it taste it: in movies and music, in advertisements selling cars, cigarettes, clothes, alcohol, makeup, soap.

We sexualize nature, are taught to believe setting suns and moonlit beaches cannot be noticed unless we are lovers.

There is no escape from sex. It is a machine razing our minds, our vocabularies, our bodies."

"For male sex addicts, euphemism condones bad behavior: "what a stud"; "he sure is macho"; "boys will be boys, men will be men"; or "you know how guys are."

Even though euphemism fails with women sex addicts, connotations don't, so words still deny truth. We are called whores, sluts, loose women, nymphomaniacs. Those of us involved with married men are "home wreckers," even though the husband is "acting like a man."

Sue's definition of the sex addict within her:
"..a woman who uses sex, or jokes, or anger, or secrets, or lies in order to keep everybody - who might want to get close to the real her - away."

Sue's discovery during therapy:
"I see that after all these years I still do not know how to form that word help. More: I do not know how to determine when I am in trouble.

With all the words I have spoken, all the words I have spoken about love, I don't know or understand so much as one true definition of love's vocabulary. I have never let anyone see an exposed, emotionally valid me.

And then, I realize, I don't know how to react to dangerous emergencies because I am the dangerous emergency."

About the group of women residing in the in-patient treatment center, Sue realizes:
"None of us would be here if time didn't encompass the past...all of us evolved from addictive families."


I'm currently writing a curriculum on Sex Education for young adults and (separately) their parents. I will keep these sensitive stories in the back of my mind as I help these individuals focus on their own beliefs and why it is important to talk openly with and educate the next generation, insuring that they are more responsible, in control and aware.

[Lacey Louwagie · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was recommended as "similar" after I read Loose Girl: A Memoir of Promiscuity, and it seems I may have inherited my dad's penchant for lurid memoirs, so I looked forward to reading it.

While it was well written, it is not nearly as satisfying as "Loose Girl" was. In theory, I like the way that the memoir is structured, with one chapter per day of her stay in a sex addiction rehabilitation center. Through her experiences there, we wind backwards through her life to see the key moments of her addiction, the most meaningful or problematic relationships. But this structure also means the book lacks resolution. We don't see what happens after treatment, and although she is dedicated to change, I've read enough court documents to know how hard it is to stay "sober" after leaving a controlled environment. I at least wanted an epilogue to see how her life played out after treatment, some hint of its lasting effects -- but since we didn't get it, I have to wonder whether it had lasting effects at all. I also wanted more insight into her marriage, and I was disappointed that she never did tell her husband about her addiction .

Sue William Silverman is an excellent writer, and in many ways that is what carries the book. It is not particularly explicit, which was okay with me. I'm more interested in the motivation and impetus and experience of someone whose sexual life and history is so different from mine. But those looking for all the gory details will be disappointed. Unfortunately, so will those looking for a true story of transformation or recovery.

[José · Rating 5 out of 5]

.

Sue William Silverman explora su creencia distorsionada de que el sexo es el amor...

"Todos los jueves a mediodía tengo relaciones sexuales con Rick en la habitación # 213 del Motel Rainbow. Hoy en día, a pesar de que le prometí a mi terapeuta no me vienen aquí de nuevo..."

¿Cómo puede el amor ser dos cuerpos envueltos en una hoja que está quemada por cigarrillos por descuido, aquí, en una habitación con cortinas de plástico, ceniceros de estaño, metal común, alfombras manchadas, alquimia mal, el aire artificial, y la televisión una promoción de las mismas películas pornográficas cada hora en la hora?

"...mi terapeuta me ha dicho: "Estos hombres te están matando." No sé si se refiere emocional, espiritual o físicamente. No puedo. Él me explica que yo confundo el sexo con el amor, compulsivamente estoy repitiendo este patrón destructivo con un hombre tras otro, y no sé qué hacer..."

Y así sucesivamente.

ESTOY LEYENDO ESTE LIBRO DE LITERATURA PROSADA (COMPLEMENTARIA A LA CIENTÍFICA) PARA PODER CONOCER MEJOR LAS IDEAS Y ENTORNO QUE PUEDEN RODEAR A UNA PERSONA AQUEJADA DE "ADICCIÓN AL AMOR (SEXO)"

Pregunto: ¿Y si esa distorsión/desorden... es debido a una dolencia/patología causada por un parásito?

¿Le darías crédito?

Sigamos leyendo; y acumulando pruebas.

JCM.

.

[Lacy Lovelace · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found out about this book through watching the movie on Lifetime. I knew I had to read it because I struggle with the same issue myself and wanted to learn more information. I could relate on so many levels and felt she accurately portrayed the emotions and thoughts that go on during the "addict self." I enjoyed learning about her personal journey through counseling and building herself from the ground up at a rehabilitation center for Sex/ Love Addicts. She narrated her story in a journaling sort of way that was new and fresh. The book was well written and took humbling courage to be able to put such deep, painful experiences out in the open for everyone to read.

I suggest everyone read this book to get a new perspective on another kind of addiction that is very different from alcohol or drugs. Also, watch the movie on Lifetime...it is very good!

[Puneri · Rating 4 out of 5]

Love Sick is a powerful book. The author writes about her time in a rehab facility. It is the book about those 28 days she spent in a rehab as a sex-addict. I actually saw the movie on LMN and then read the book which is generally the other way for me. The book shows her struggle to get out of her habit, portrays great picture of all other women in rehab and their struggle with their respective addictions. Author goes between her past and her present and provides an emotional yet very strong picture of a woman who wants to get better. Sex addiction and sexual abuse are difficult themes to explore and Sue Silverman has done justice to them. It's a real story of a woman who went through horrible life experiences but finally faced her demons and came out a "winner".

[Darcy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this book oddly compelling. Usually with non-fiction books I can only read so much a day as it is a little dry and slightly boring, not so with this one. I would read a small chunk then pick up another book and having a hard time getting into it because I wanted to keep reading this one. Finally half way through I gave in and just kept reading this one.

Sue's struggle with her sex addiction was fascinating. You know why she started, how she acted, and her struggle in treatment. Did her treatment happen perfectly, no, but she really seemed to want to change. Even at the end you could tell she was trying hard. I wish that the book would have been longer than just one day out of treatment.

[Gina · Rating 2 out of 5]

I expected more. I expected to be riveted and bruised, to feel a sense of desperation, to think about the subject matter long after I read it. I wasn't and didn't. It's titillating on one level. A bit horrifying on another. And immature on yet another. It was a quick read but satisfying like the ice cream in an ice cream sandwich. It's ice cream so it's good but it's also an eerily sanitary version of vanilla and I like the heavy cream, the vanilla bean.

I want to read it again to make sure I didn't miss the inquiry, the exploration of what this addiction is like, a sense of depth, a sense of reflection.

[Sandra · Rating 4 out of 5]

"Keeping up appearances", and trying to think that your father always taught you how to love instead of being raped by him, and even pretend that it never happened, is incredible!

Is kind of sick to know that her father "taught her how to love" and because of that, she has a necessity of having sex with any man, specially with the one she thinks that "perhaps" loves her...

I don't remember when the last time a book I read moved me and impacted me so much (probably was "push") was. I felt like living inside its story!

[Christine · Rating 3 out of 5]

Contrary to what one might think, this memoir is not a self-indulgent examination of the author's sexual proclivities. It focuses on her inpatient treatment for sexual addiction while utilizing a few (literally) examples of these issues played out in her life. Many women, I suspect, will recognize some of these themes in themselves in much less severe, but still thought-provoking way. Like life, she leaves her ultimate fate unknown, but crafts an intruiging enough work that the reader is tempted to hit the internet in search for more information.