Beginning Anew: Practices for Connection and Communication

by Chan Khong

In "Beginning Anew," Sister Chan Khong shares a concrete, four-part process that can help anyone clear up misunderstandings, communicate more honestly and openly with the people around them, and heal relationships. Thousands have been introduced to the beginning anew practice at the retreats led worldwide each year by Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh.When we're upset with someone, we're often afraid to say anything. We tell ourselves, "Oh, it's just a small matter; it's not important." But the accumulation of many small issues can create an explosive situation, and can even cause relationships to break. Beginning Anew gives us a way to address problems when they're small, so we can understand each other's words, actions, and intentions."Beginning Anew" guides readers through steps of conscious breathing, loving speech, and compassionate listening designed to help us see people and situations more clearly, allowing our perceptions to better reflect reality. Sister Chan Khong brings the practice to life by sharing stories of couples and families she has helped to reconcile using the practice.After a few minutes of quietly sitting together to become aware of our breathing and calm ourselves, each person speaks without being interrupted. The first step is to express appreciation of the other person, something we may forget to do in our busy lives, that can lead to the people around us to feeling taken for granted. The second step is to express any regrets we have. This is something we often put off doing, but the clear expression of misgivings and regrets gives practitioners the chance to clear the air and directly address any problems in the relationship. The last two steps of the practice are for expressing anger or difficulties and checking in with each other to be sure each was understood."Beginning Anew" introduces a practice for anyone looking for a way to keep communication open and resolve conflicts. When practiced regularly, beginning anew will bring deeper understanding and harmony to any relationship.

Genres: Buddhism, Nonfiction, Self Help, Spirituality, Psychology

75 pages, Kindle Edition

First published August 18, 2014

Reviews

[May Ling · Rating 4 out of 5]

Summary: A disciple of Thich Nhat Hanh, this woman's book delivers its message on Connection and Communication with a lot of heart. A great short read.

This is a book about love as a form of connection with others. Connect with love. I was thinking about how this might work in a city like NYC, where most people connect with some intention. I still think you have to behave in a way to connect with love, but I'd love to see how you'd do it when you know most people are a little bit broken here. I need that version of this book...

p. 9 "Loving speech is an important aspect of living mindfully. Every time the other person does something well, we should congratulate her to show our approval. This is esp true of children."
I have mixed feelings about this originally. But I think if you set the bar very high and do not show undue encouragement when it's only ok vs. I approve, you don't instill the belief that everything they do is perfect. I see that there is limited judgment of one's own actions and motivations today. B/c many of the young are only use to approval they don't know how to deal with the idea they hurt others. Having a conversation about it is like talking to a wall. So in this regard, she's got a very specific audience.

p. 12 - Hugging Meditation. This is a weird one for a lot of Asian people and she describes how she thinks about it. You have to really want to touch that person. Touch can also transfer energy. So you only want to hug with good energy.
"True love requires deep understanding, seeing the depth of the other person's darkness, pain, and suffering. If you don't understand her properly; your love will only cause her to suffer."
p. 13 - She talks about the wrong ways to love, i.e. forced or expecting.
"Your intention is good, but you don't have the correct understanding."
"When you fall in love and you feel attached to the other person, that's not yet real love. Real love means loving kindness and compassion, the kind of love that doesn't have any conditions."

4 steps to love:
1) Watering each other's flowers - This is acknowledging and being aware of the awesomeness of the person.
2) Express Regret - we are all learning to show love and unskillful at times.
3) Checking in - Ask if your unskillfulness hurt them.
4) Expressing your hurt or anger - You have to tell people what they said was hurtful.You have to do it though not in the heat of things.

p. 16 - there is this story about a man and a kernel of corn. His prob isn't that his fear is that he thinks he should be afraid, but what he thinks others think so therefore he reacts. That is trick with real confidence.

p. 35 - Express positivity about someone every day. Don't wait.

p. 45 - True love means understanding. You want to seek to deepen that. You want to ask that. She writes it rather beautifully here.

[Phat Nguyen · Rating 4 out of 5]

I've learnt mindfully in this book about expressing loving speech to build up a relationship throughout the communication. This is not an easy job. The four steps to restore communication, or a broken relationship, is a great guideline for us to learn.
* Watering each other' flowers
* Expressing regret
* Checking in
* Expressing your hurt/ anger
* Hugging meditation
There have some relationships can be broken even if they are in +10 years. The point is they make all hurts just for granted and time to time, it escalates into big issue that can not solve right away, and this needs time to resolve, some of stories they are not patient enough to overcome this things. I understood that restore anything, this needs courage, trust, faith, and vulnerability to make this works and that what I always in need to practice.
Thank you sister Chan Khong and Thay. I am grateful.
'We must train ourselves to be humble about our perceptions and open ourselves to learning more about the other side of the story'
'A relationship will die if it's not nourished with the necessary food: deep listening to understand and be able to love what is not easy to accept, and also to learn to love what the other person loves'

[Kirsten D · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautiful.

[Alane · Rating 3 out of 5]

This practice might have been better described by an outsider. There are some cultural blocks to this edition for me which made the otherwise essential peacemaking tools seem almost cultish.

The practice itself is enormously helpful. It is the description in the book that took me aback. Hopefully that's just me and previous bad experiences with other things.

So, with the Beginning Anew spirit of goodwill in mind, I wholeheartedly recommend the practice and say let it speak for itself. The testimonials in the book may not be a good fit for the reader. Don't let that distract you.

[Nikki · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very short and simple, but full of concise wisdom that transcends any specific religious or philosophical ideology. Contains great ideas for maintaining healthy relationships even if the formal practice of "beginning anew" is not carried out as prescribed each time.

[Scott Goddard · Rating 4 out of 5]

Human beings are funny creatures. We love to bottle up our emotions inside, until they intensify so far that they inexorably explode. This book provides an effective framework to deal with this behaviour. It is a four-fold approach that should be practice with ongoing commitment and regularity. Without open and honest communication, our relationships can deteriorate to a point that is unsalvageable. Sometimes we do not see the whole picture. A habit that we perceive as being innocuous can be irksome to another person. If the latter does not inform the former of their frustrations, this can lead to slight and dangerous cracks in their relationship. It is a book that I believe everyone can learn a fantastic technique to ensure transparency is guaranteed in all their relationships.

[Julie Capell · Rating 5 out of 5]

I picked this up to prepare myself for moving into a co-op and getting a roommate. It is full of wonderful ideas for how to keep communication open and take responsibility for your own part in any disagreements that may arise. It's a book I'm sure I will refer back to frequently, as relationships evolve.

[Vishnu · Rating 4 out of 5]

A short book with some awesome and powerful messages. I think communication is so fundamental to healthy and happy relationships, and I am always interested to see these issues from a Buddhist perspective.

[Margot · Rating 5 out of 5]

An amazing guide for respectful and collaborative communication. I wish I had read this book at least 30 years ago.

[Thomas Schulte · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fast Read

It's a Fast read but there's a lot of good information and examples of real life situations that one may find similar to ones own situu

[Patrick Carlin · Rating 4 out of 5]

4 steps: watering flowers, expressing regret, asking for more info, expressing hurt
It was well-written but not the type of thing I usually like (even though it is probably helpful)

[Katharina.ku · Rating 5 out of 5]

So inspiring! Definitly trying this techniques with the people around me!

[yenni m · Rating 4 out of 5]

Short, brilliant, ideal, challenging.

[Leonne 98 · Rating 5 out of 5]

Powerful and very useful, can put it to practice immediately.

[Samiam · Rating 5 out of 5]

Simple but profound. Elegant practices to help restore and deepen connection between people.

[Mark Bourdon · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beginning anew

Practical applications for strengthening relationships by Using Beginning Anew. Very good examples and stories shared to support the process, with all ages.

[Serena Long ﺕ · Rating 5 out of 5]

Simple but profound. I wholeheartedly recommend this practice. Great ideas for maintaining healthy relationship.

[Sonia Crites · Rating 5 out of 5]

A very short book about a powerful principle. It is deceptively simple. Well worth reading.

[Victoria Grape · Rating 5 out of 5]

Practical in its simplicity, Sister Chan Khong's book presents ways of communicating that can surely reconcile relationships gone askew.