The Opt-Out Family: How to Give Your Kids What Technology Can't

by Erin Loechner

Discover a new and hopeful path forward as you consider your family's approach to social media, screen time, and technology.

We've all heard the mind-boggling statistics about technology and social media use. The numbers don't lie; our obsession with smartphones and social media is slowly eroding the very essence of our homes and families. We see it. We feel it. We know it.

So what do we do about it?

Spoiler Forget parental control apps, time limits, or reward charts. This revolutionary path takes us into the heart of the beast the social media algorithm. Former social media influencer and trailblazer Erin Loechner has seen the perks and pitfalls of social media usage, and she knows how to hack the strategies of tech wizards and platform experts so you can borrow their billion-dollar playbook to engage your family in meaningful ways away from screens.

The Opt-Out Family is packed with eye-opening research and startling insights, as well as practical encouragement and creative ideas to transform your family's relationship with today's ever-evolving technology. As a result, you

Experience more quality time with your children that doesn't revolve around screensCreate healthy habits as a family that will set your children up for success in the futureDiscover what your kids actually need from you, and learn how to delight and engage them better than a device canAnd, ultimately, establish true and lasting influence within your own four walls--and far beyondThe Opt-Out Family unlocks a world where genuine connections flourish and technology takes a backseat. It's time to reclaim your home and build a tech-free family culture that's stronger than your Wi-Fi signal.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Self Help, Childrens, Audiobook, Technology, Christian

320 pages, Paperback

First published June 1, 2024

About the author

A former art director/stylist in Los Angeles, Erin Loechner has been blogging and speaking for more than a decade. Her heartfelt writing and design work has been showcased in The New York Times, Lucky, Parenting, Dwell, Marie Claire, Elle Decor, Huffington Post, and a two-season HGTV.com web special, garnering over one million fans worldwide. She has spoken for and appeared in renowned international events for clients such as Walt Disney World, IKEA, Martha Stewart and Home Depot. Now nestled in a Midwestern town, Erin, her husband, and their toddler strive for less in most areas except three: joy, grace, and goat cheese.

Reviews

[Joanna Jennings · Rating 3 out of 5]

While I agreed with a lot in this book, after a while it sounded exhausting to try to create exciting lives for my kids so they won’t want to be on screens.

Several of her suggestions for living life fell flat. Should I really compliment my daughter on making cookies for her brother? I mean that just sounds so innovative! 😆🙄

And then, if we shouldn’t freak out over the 900 deaths by drowning that are highlighted in the news, then maybe we shouldn’t freak out over the 80 dead from a knockout challenge on TikTok. 😬🫣 To be fair, death is no trivial matter, whether it’s drowning or strangling yourself. Parents have to pay attention, and we have to prepare our kids to interact with technology. Both are important. Let’s just not make TikTok into the bogeyman.

I get weary of books that insult my intelligence. This book could’ve been half the size. I really enjoyed the first half of the book, but the longer it went on, the more disenchanted I became. I know this review sounds harsh. I really did agree with a lot that she said. No smart phone for my kids! Let them be independent and for goodness sake, play outside! 😆🥰

It’s definitely worth the read, just be prepared to skim and skip the audio version— I think authors should listen to their own book read aloud before it gets published.

[Grace · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was everything I thought it'd be and more. While this book is geared more towards parents of younger kids, I found this book extremely helpful and interesting for a child-less adult. It discusses the addictiveness of social media and while the author refrains herself from saying "don't ever go on social media," she does talk about adults needing to figure out the balance and understand what is useful and what is not (doom scrolling). I really enjoyed how Loechner provides suggestions on how to incorporate social media concepts in a healthy way. For example, one subject that I can easily get sucked into is food creation. Instead of just scrolling endlessly on all the meals that I will never make, I need to be intentional and if it's something that piques my interest, I should stop and try to make it, and/or adapt it to my liking. The book goes deeper into similar addicting habits that come with having the world at your fingertips (aka your phone), and really makes me reevaluate how I'm interacting with the world and with my phone.

[Collin Lewis · Rating 4 out of 5]

Pretty good. Very helpful tips and practical ideas. I do not agree with 100% of what she said but most was spot on.

Big tech is mentally sick. The algorithm will kill you. There are nowhere near enough pros to outweigh the cons of giving your child a smartphone before the age 16. Parental controls are not enough. Kids are being robbed of their childhood and we are enabling it.

Showing your children the truth about this type of technology means living in accordance with what you teach. It starts from the top down.

[Janssen]

This was a perfect read before summer gets underway.

[Molly Grimmius · Rating 2 out of 5]

I so wish I could just rave about this book and tell every parent to read it but I can’t. Yes she did so much research (so much) and her information is fascinating and also frightening. I learned so much about the behind the machine that is the social media to keep you there. It was absolutely ugh and help me see so much of how they work. This part of the book was great and so helpful but oh my goodness did she not have editor. Instead she would write lists, and paint pictures of these idealistic no -technology scenes, and repeat and repeat the same things over and over. There was such an extreme of great facts and then such repetitive language/stories that made this too long. Also sometimes the tone to the audience that is reading this book felt a little ridiculous (we don’t know how bond with our kids, or connect or… etc.) I feel like if you are already concerned about phones then you are already doing a lot of these things that she mentioned. 12hours is too long to recommend. Wish there was a shorter version… like 2hour version.
If you are to read it then just do like first 3 chapters.

[Renee Masterson Young · Rating 5 out of 5]

This might be one of the most important (and wildly practical and incredibly encouraging) parenting books for raising kids in a tech-worshipping world. You can find all my MOST loved quotes on my updates for this book on my profile.

I found this book to be a beautiful mix of scientific studies and research with practical implementation for your family. However, the stats are palatable and less cumbersome than Anxious Generation (this book doesn’t compete with Haidt’s book, instead it’s a beautiful mirror geared toward families on what to do instead—play. laugh. make memories. run. explore. etc) Erin Loechner has a unique way of tugging at the maternal heart strings—like she had a peek inside my own home.

Loechner presented wonderful ideas based on big tech’s algorithm but flipped it to use in our homes in our every day, physical life. Honestly just baffled me how stupid I am when it comes to tech and all the interworkings of it, but how quickly I can succumb to it and numb myself with it—so how much more our kids.

My biggest takeaways:
➕You’re thr parent, set the tone of your home.
➕Lead by example.
➕Our children’s relationships, education, socialization, emotional status, mental prowess, spiritual fervor, and family ties are all being negatively impacted by technology—iPads, video games, iPhones, social media, internet.
➕you can do it, you can choose to live differently and choose to live free
➕choose to be an intentional parent who parents with the end in mind
➕your kids (especially toddlers) don’t need iPads and iPhones for games or “to learn how to use technology.” Dophins and chimpanzees have been taught to use an iPad in days. Your kid won’t be left behind.
➕real life is in person. live it that way.


I’ve been living without socials on my phone for nearly 3 months. I asked my kids the other day if they had noticed or how it makes them feel—my oldest son said “oh yeah I notice every day now that you’re not on your phone and I feel way more loved and like I’m actually important to listen to now” (he’s 9, btw)

So, reading this book wasn’t setting into motion any new habits, but it certainly confirmed the importance of being off social media and my phone (if for no other reason than my children and husband) but yet there are far more individual benefits that I have seen in my own life.

My life is valuable, even when I don’t post every hour my daily story. It matters inherently and not because someone else knows about it

Improvements—
➕could be more obvious about Christian worldview
➕could be about 100 pages shorter

“May we never again scroll through someone else’s life, without attending to our own” (279).

Here’s to raising opt-out kids! Who is with me?! (Because it will be easier if we do it together)

[Katie Klein · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this book very practical and informative without as much fear mongering as some of the more popular books on technology!

[Daniel Kingsley · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book was 45% rant, 45% fear mongering, 10% helpful thoughtful advice. I think many of her worries are well founded I agree with many of her points but her writing style felt mocking of the people who disagreed with her. I know fear mongering is a large charge and should not be thrown around lightly. When she was talking about the question of whether phones keep kids safe. She jumped right into active shooter situations and how it can’t keep them safe there and might be a danger as it can be a distraction. I’ll be honest I am thinking more about driving a car and getting into a wreck and being able to call and get help. She also makes those who died doing tic toc challenges as if it is an everyday occurrence that will probably happen to your child if you let them have tic toc. Every life lost to a stupid challenge is tragedy. We should not try and make it normative. She ends her book talking against fear mongering on social media I wish she had taken a page out of her own book.

[Kelsey Schmitt · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such a great read! Erin Loechner approaches the topic of technology in a clear, unique, and easy to read way. What I loved about this book was that Loechner went above and beyond just simply educating her audience on the negative impacts of technology for our kids and families. There are plenty of books that do that and do it well.

She does, of course, set the stage by sharing the alarming statistics and sharing real life examples. But she goes a step further by breaking down the schemes and methods that the Silicon Valley tech companies are using to actively get us and our children addicted to their products. She then does something so clever: she helps her readers use the same root strategies the tech companies are using and gives ideas for how to apply them in our homes in a tech free way. I just loved this approach, helping to give real applicable ideas for families to implement that combat the allure of our tech-filled world and to establish an “opt-out” culture in our homes.

I felt very challenged by this book and would highly recommend!

[Natalie Rembert · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’ve read numerous books about how the age of the smart phone has affected our world. My top two books right now on the subject are The Anxious Generation and this book. Whereas The Anxious Generation focusses primarily on how the smart phone is affecting childhood. This book puts more emphasis on how social media algorithms work, the companies purposes behind them, and how much smart phones affect our daily life. This book gives tangible ideas for individuals and families to make decisions about their smart phone use. I loved this book and found it super practical and honestly (I feel) super needed.

[Natalie Herr · Rating 4 out of 5]

A great defense for getting our families offline. Research-backed and filled with lots of alternative ideas for what to do when you’re not online. I wished the author was more honest about how hard the transition time is when you’re getting offline. There’s a little section of encouragement at the end of the book, but she almost seemed too far removed (her family has been opting out for a long time) to remember how uncomfortable it is at first. The organization of the book (take big tech’s playbook and use it for good in your home) also seems to put a lot of emphasis on the parents to create “content” and experiences for their kids. While I’ve found this is needed initially when getting off screens, it’s not sustainable or desired to be your kids’ cruise director. Overall, a good read- just looking for a little more nuance in the practical application.

[Abby Helmuth · Rating 4 out of 5]

Interesting, well-researched and well-written. It just went loooong. And after about 150 pages, the sheer volume of ideas for how to engage your kids’ interest, study their personalities, and connect with them became overwhelming and discouraging. In the very last chapter, Loechner writes, “It occurs to me that I may never learn to be more engaging than the algorithm.” You don’t say!! Whew! 😅 Perhaps the book would have benefited from being less didactic in the parenting arena, and simply pointing out that the natural rhythms of life and healthy relationship are so much richer than a life mediated by a screen.

[Joy Welch · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really appreciated Loechner bringing more to the tech conversation. This book is filled with practical ways to bring enjoyment and fellowship into your home in place of screens. I also felt challenged to take steps to leaving my phone at home and using my brain to remember lyrics, actors, navigation, etc.

“If you need to remove technology, remove it. But first replace it with something even better.”

“I am filled with hope for the generation to come that will once again be given permission to delight in a cloudless sky, a tender playmate, an afternoon of joy to swing upside down among the leaves. For a growing movement of children who will dance without TikTok.
Who will live and love without commentary. Who will smile— widely and freely-without a filter.”

[Alicia Shaddix · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 ⭐️ Some helpful content and food for thought. Definitely encouraging me to be more thoughtful, intentional and careful with the screens in our home. Always room to grow in this area both personally and as a family. I appreciated her encouragements and suggestions in pursuing a full, rewarding life beyond the screen.

The “use Big Tech’s approaches to your own advantage” framework kinda fell flat for me, but I acknowledge that is a matter of taste/preference. Makes me want to revisit Crouch’s Tech-Wise Family.

[Bobby James · Rating 4 out of 5]

Pretty good. It’s between a 3.5 and a 4. The cover makes it seem like technology is her main target but she overwhelmingly makes her point against social media and personal devices rather than technology in general. The much stronger emphasis is on social media. The dangers of which I’m not sure can be overstated.

Part 1 is just vision casting for parents on what their life could look like if they should “opt-out” of social media and personal devices. As if I needed anymore convincing.

Part 2 is helpful in a lot of practical ways. But some of the things were just too unrealistic. Some of the suggestions to replace technology with other, older methods make the kid’s environment more dangerous. Such as, reading a map while driving rather than using google maps. But others are really good. Like making your device less appealing by making the color scale black and white. Also, applying social media influencer’s tactics to “win back” your kids was surprisingly good advice for the most part although I’m not sure she understands what a value is. Sometimes what she describes as a “value” sounds more like a necessary inconvenience.

Another helpful aspect was her interviews of some of big tech’s and social media’s founders who seem to regret the development of many technologies and platforms they helped create. A scary thing about it was her experiential insight into the strategies of influencers to keep you watching and to make you feel closer to them than your own friends and family.

For the sake of my kids, it makes me really thankful for my own wife’s preexisting sensitivities and convictions.

[Tyler Critchfield · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very interesting. Similar in theme to The Anxious Generation - while Haidt uses a heavy research-based, psychology perspective, The Opt-Out Family argues for less technology for families from a parenting, anecdotal perspective. Because of the parenting focus, it does have many helpful tips and practical advice for how to do this better.

Overall the book is longer than it needs to be and extremely biased . . . but it's also very compelling and a needed perspective for any parent to hear. Even if you don't decide to go as tech-free as the author, I think being aware of the risks of tech use is still important so you know what you're getting into. And while it's themed around parenting, I think pretty much everyone could benefit from these ideas.

[Rebecca Esmond · Rating 4 out of 5]

Though I was already fully convinced children shouldn't be given personal devices, this book was still an inspiration to live fully and joyfully in the real world.

[Michele Smith · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have several take aways! It felt like a great step two to reading Reconnected. Even though it's a lot of stats, it reads easier than The Anxious Generation.

[Kaleigh]

Lots of food for thought!

[Nicole Morgan]

This was a hard review to write. I could see that this book might be very impactful especially in circumstances where the parents had never thought about the potential harm and negative effect of technology, phones and social media on children. She shares a lot of really sobering and tragic stories. However true those all, since we have already made a number of decisions about technology in our family, it felt a little unnecessarily fearful. I would also disagree with her premise that technology is “not neutral”. I would fall more on the point that technology itself is neutral, but we need to be aware how companies (I.e. social media etc) are in fact businesses and are often trying to capitalize on us without factoring in what is in our best interests etc.

Some good points on how our example as parents is vitally important as our children prepare to interact (or not interact) with technology in their futures. Great points on how to talk with children about what they might encounter online. And overall thought provoking.

[Elizabeth Mayberry · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is one of those books filled with so much to think about! I was actively changing and shaping our families' views toward technology/ media usage while reading! As someone who gave up my social media and the platform I had worked so hard for, I could really relate to Erin and her choices to say no to social media so that she could say yes to something better. I have never regretted listening to the Lord and shutting down my Instagram - it was a wonderful way to make a side income but it also came at a cost. There were years where I didn't think I could live without my cellphone or my online presence, but I have been stepping away from that mindset slowly over the years and this book just met me in that journey. We may not end up as "extreme" as the Loechners with flip phones (and I may not 100% agree with her on every point), but we are making changes that may look odd to the world. Although, I think there is a powerful moment recognizing the cost of social media/ cellphones/ technology and we as the parents of a new generation are rising up and making changes - valuing and protecting our children's childhoods. Overall, great book that I would recommend to every parent! Our family cultures matter - God has given us our children and our families to steward well!

[Brittany Johnson · Rating 4 out of 5]

For me, this book was just another powerful reminder of the risks inherent in social media and too much technology for my kids. I want to read this again closer to when my kids are becoming teenagers because it’s easy to say I’ll not give in now when my kids are young but I know the pressure will be harder as they get older.

I didn’t love the alternative ideas she gave in this book for different activities, just wasn’t my favorite. For me, this book was more helpful in understanding the risks of technology rather than the different activities/ideas she presented.

[Ashley · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 stars.
Read this book, even if you don't have kids.
The research is very current, and even though I didn't agree with everything Loechner said, it has made me think a lot. It has made me think about how I consume technology, and even how I use technology in the classroom (I will still be using it, but changing the type of media I will be showing my kids, specifically for music).
Note: Chapter 1 is very alarmist. Stick with it though!

[Scott · Rating 5 out of 5]

While I don't totally agree with the author on some of her more detailed points, this book has been an eye-opener and is already impacting my use of and my conversations with my kids about social media and phone use. I would highly recommend this book to parents of young kids who haven't been introduced to much tech yet and to parents of preteens who are considering giving their child a smartphone. Though I doubt I'll ever be a totally tech-free parent, this book has encouraged me strongly to limit the amount of tech our family uses.

[Kennedy Hansen · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was going to give this two... but last minute upped it one more star. This book gave me SO much anxiety. It was a terrible self help for someone who already struggles ha. The writing was very didactic and I didn't love the strong ultra Christian undertones. That being said- there were some good ideas in this book. And it did get me to delete instagram.

[Shannon Evanko · Rating 5 out of 5]

Encouraged & challenged. Hoping that so many families decide to be as “opt-out” as we can be while we raise this next generation! Highly recommend. John and I are already talking through the changes we’d like to make and goals for our family with technology.

[Rebecca Ponder · Rating 3 out of 5]

While I agree with most of the principles of this book, I didn’t find it helpful to constantly be told how difficult it is on parents who opt out. I don’t think it is the parent’s responsibility to be as entertaining as electronic devices (which is hard on parents).

[Ally Simmons · Rating 1 out of 5]

couldn’t finish. Not a great start to my new found parenting book journey

[Megan Herriott · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’ve read several books on this topic, and all give a similarly dire, well-researched and compelling case to restrict and delay digital/social media use as much as possible for kids. This book was unique in that it looks at the tactics, psychology and data mining that influencers and algorithms use to capture kids’ (and adult’s) attention, and offers ways to use these same strategies for parents to engage kids
into real-life friendships, family life, hobbies, etc. An interesting read!

[Shannon McGarvey · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really solid 4 star book. Nothing was outstanding only because I already hold to kids not having personal devices or social media. Her views on independence are nope for us. Kids never need to be sent away to camp or go overnight without adults to learn to be independent. I loved her summary of their rules which I’ll be using now (already my views put into words) 1. No personal devices 2. No screens outside the home 3. No gaming.
Worth reading and excited for book club!