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Mọi Việc Đều Có Thể Giải Quyết - Tháo Gỡ Khó Khăn Bằng Phương Pháp Thiền
Loài người chúng ta là tổng hòa của những éo le. Chúng ta cực kỳ hợp tác mà cũng vô cùng cạnh tranh. Ta yêu hòa bình nhưng lại bị hút vào xung đột, ta vừa hiếu chiến vừa vị tha, ta thực dụng đến điên rồ nhưng cũng lãng mạn đến khờ khạo. Khi yêu, ta xả thân; khi chiến, ta đấu đến mảnh giáp cuối cùng.
Ai trong chúng ta chẳng từng bị bạn bè và người yêu ghẻ lạnh; từng bị mất đi cộng sự kinh doanh vì những bất đồng về tài chính, hoặc từng bị tống cổ ra khỏi chính ngôi nhà của mình vì những xung đột cá nhân.
Cho dù những bất đồng, mâu thuẫn ấy có khó chịu đến đâu, đó vẫn là điều không thể tránh khỏi đối với trải nghiệm con người của chúng ta. Thay vì đối phó với nó trong tư thế đương đầu, ta sẽ học cách chung sống với nó và biến việc giải quyết xung đột thành một loại hình nghệ thuật, khiến ta trở nên kiên nhẫn hơn, sáng tạo hơn, chấp nhận những quan điểm đối lập, thấu hiểu mọi người xung quanh và chung sống hòa bình.
Tác giả Diane Hamilton mở ra cho chúng ta một cách nhìn mới về xung đột – hóa ra không đáng sợ như ta tưởng; về lòng can đảm – hóa ra không hiếm như ta vẫn truy cầu; về nỗi sợ hãi – hóa ra không yếu đuối như ta hằng che giấu…
Ai trong chúng ta chẳng từng bị bạn bè và người yêu ghẻ lạnh; từng bị mất đi cộng sự kinh doanh vì những bất đồng về tài chính, hoặc từng bị tống cổ ra khỏi chính ngôi nhà của mình vì những xung đột cá nhân.
Cho dù những bất đồng, mâu thuẫn ấy có khó chịu đến đâu, đó vẫn là điều không thể tránh khỏi đối với trải nghiệm con người của chúng ta. Thay vì đối phó với nó trong tư thế đương đầu, ta sẽ học cách chung sống với nó và biến việc giải quyết xung đột thành một loại hình nghệ thuật, khiến ta trở nên kiên nhẫn hơn, sáng tạo hơn, chấp nhận những quan điểm đối lập, thấu hiểu mọi người xung quanh và chung sống hòa bình.
Tác giả Diane Hamilton mở ra cho chúng ta một cách nhìn mới về xung đột – hóa ra không đáng sợ như ta tưởng; về lòng can đảm – hóa ra không hiếm như ta vẫn truy cầu; về nỗi sợ hãi – hóa ra không yếu đuối như ta hằng che giấu…
340 pages, Paperback
First published December 3, 2013
120 people are currently reading
778 people want to read
About the author
Diane Musho Hamilton
8 books62 followersDIANE MUSHO HAMILTON is an award-winning professional mediator, author, and teacher of Zen meditation. She has been a practitioner of meditation for more than 35 years and is a lineage holder in the Soto Zen tradition.
She is the Executive Director of Two Arrows Zen, a practice in Utah, and offers training programs oriented to personal development and advanced facilitator skills.
Diane is the author of Everything Is Workable and The Zen of You and Me. Her latest book is Compassionate Conversations: How to Speak and Listen from the Heart, co-authored with Gabriel Wilson and Kimberly Loh.
http://www.dianemushohamilton.com
http://www.twoarrowszen.org
email: admin@dianemushohamilton.com
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October 18, 2016
Everything Is Workable: A Zen Approach to Conflict Resolution by Diane Musho Hamilton is, as the subtitle says, a book on conflict resolution combined with meditation practice. Diane Musho Hamilton is an experienced mediator and meditator, and has much experience to share. Here is a summary of the book together with some conclusions.
Conflict
Conflict ”is intrinsic to our human experience” (p.1). To ”transform conflict, we must let go of the notion that something or someone is wrong or bad” (p.3). ”The conflict isn’t the problem; our response to it is” (p.3). Learning how to transform conflict ”demands that we become more present, more fearless” (p.5).
Meditation
Meditation is a ”method to help us access a deep sense of inner calm and trust in the unfolding of our life” (p.13). The ”first encounter with ourselves is often an unruly mix” of bodily discomfort and emotional unease (p.8). ”We are preoccupied with … forming so many opinions, judgments, and preferences in reactions to life” (p.9). When ”the mind settles down and we become one with our immediate experience” everything ”becomes … more workable” (p.10).
Intention
Intention is ”an internal choice or commitment that guides our actions” (p.15). Often problems arise ”because we aren’t clear … about what we really intend in our interactions with others” (p.18). It’s therefore ”extremely important” that we ”clarify our intentions” (p.19). ”To communicate, problem solve, deal with conflict, and work with others, we must be present to things as they are” (p.19). This requires intention, and clarifying our intention ”requires a willingness to be rigorously honest with ourselves” (p.20).
Attention
”By paying attention, we learn to respond differently” (p.24). ”In each moment, we can … create more choices for ourselves” (p.26). ”Learning how to be present to conflict is similar to learning how to be present to pain” (p.26). In any situation ”we can access the innate wisdom of the moment” (p.27). We can learn to ”remain present despite all sorts of impulses to do something else” (p.30). We even have ”the ability to take a perspective on our momentary perspective” (p.31). We can ”consciously choose new ways to relate with ourselves and others” (p.31).
Emotions
We can “learn to transform our emotions without suppressing them” (p.34). Learning how ”to relate with fear directly” is necessary ”to working with conflict” (p.35). Emotional states are ”powerful sources of information and of … energy” (p.37). Allowing ourselves to ”really feel the flood of … emotions” help us ”work with them” and ”navigate through them” (p.39).
Protection
There are ”three basic ways we protect ourselves” (p.42): We ”move away,” ”move toward,” or ”move against” (p.42). We expend ”energy on suppressing awareness of the conflict” (p.44). And the ”suppression leads to depression, isolation, and … helplessness” (p.44). ”We have to be able to say no and mean it” (p.47).
Aggression
”Aggression always creates a sense of separation” (p.48). We need to learn to ”expose our vulnerability, and step into new ways of being” (p.49). We can then ”stay present instead of disappearing” (p.50). This makes it possible for us to ”know what we think and feel, and … communicate that clearly” (p.50).
Perspectives
A few people are ”incapable of expressing … their wants, and their needs” (p.55). Most people are able to ”speak on their own behalf,” but are ”unable to see the validity of the other side” (p.56). Some are ”more flexible” (p.56). And very few are able to ”express their point of view, genuinely listen to an opposing one, and include … the interests of third parties” (p.56). ”Rather than cope with … anxiety and doubt, we are tempted to … collapsing reality into a single point of view” (p.58).
Navigation
Granting “the validity of another’s first-person perspective is key” (p.65). Each one of us ”relies on our first-person perspective to navigate … reality” (p.66), The first step is to ”acknowledge the validity of each … first first-person perspective” (p.69). ”To bring people together … we must weave first-person perspectives together with … third-person information” (p.68).
Identity
Growing ”an individual identity is a critical step” (p.73) ”First we need to learn how to care for ourselves and be responsible for our own lives” (p.73). In time, we can learn to “rest naturally in wakeful awareness” (p.75). ”We learn to see that the ʿIʾ perspective is always limited and sometimes blind” (p.76).
Responsibility
The most ”powerful and liberating use of the first person comes when we … take responsibility for ourselves and our actions” (p.76). There is also ”a power to expressing vulnerability from first person” (p.77). We ”learn to express ourselves with more openness” (p.77). When we ”speak consciously from the first-person perspective, we are … owning our self-motivations” (p.79).
Listening
”Listening is so powerful as to be almost alchemical in its ability to transform a conversation or conflict” (p.85). ”Listening … requires intention, openness, and generosity” (p.86).”We steady our attention” and ”remain fully present” (p.91). ”This goes a long way in the art of being human” (p.91). ”Paradoxically, if we privilege language less, we seem to listen more” (p.91).
Witnessing
Remarkably, we can ”take a perspective on our perspective” (p.98). ”Sometimes simply witnessing can have a positive effect on a situation” (p.99). Being ”present, unbiased, and available to what is without imposing preconceived ideas or judgments” (p.100).
Change
All things ”are subject to context, causes, and conditions” (p.108). ”Everything is always changing” and ”influencing everything else” (p.108). ”We can still have our opinions and … values, but we cease to grip them as the source of our security” (p.109). We find that ”we can cultivate and deepen our values” (p.109).
Negotiations
We are ”involved in negotiations all the time” (p.114). Good negotiations ”depend on cultivating good relationships” (p.114). It’s important to take ”different perspectives: yours, the other side’s, and a neutral one” (p.114). ”People often relax their positions when their deeper wants and needs are affirmed” (p.117). ”Once shared interests are identified, creativity sets in” (p.117). ”The assumption is that something good will emerge if people bring their passion and skills to the table and suspend their need to know how things will turn out” (p.113).
Creativity
”Creativity is all-pervasive and ever present” (p.120). Creativity ”occurs in the moment-to-moment existence of everyone and everything” (p.122). Every situation, including conflict, ”offers us an opportunity to innovate” (p.122). ”Creativity is always percolating just below the surface of our lives” (p.124). Playing with conflict ”implies an attitude of ease, curiosity, and possibility” (p.124).
Control
Relinquish the ”attachment to controlling outcomes” (p.125). ”The idea is not to eliminate conflict” (p.128). ”The aim is to transform it” (p.128). Creativity necessarily ”involves encounters with the unknown, the chaotic, and the pain that … accompany the birth of something new” (p.128).
Reframing
The ”same event can be interpreted in many ways” (p.131). A ”skillful reframe can determine whether a conversation succeeds or fails” (p.131). ”Skillful reframes … help us strip … negative judgments from our conversations” (p.133). However, to succeed ”a reframe has to contain a compelling truth” (p.133). New interpretations must enable ”us to see more than we did before” (p.134).
Relaxation
Strong feelings ”often govern the meaning we make of our experiences” (p.134). It’s important to learn to relax, using the breath to calm the ”overly protective nervous system” (p.138). This opens ”the space to respond consciously” (p.139). Usually, ”we don’t allow for the space” and ”fail to feel the body’s reaction[s]” (p.139). ”Learning to feel directly and consciously is very important” (p.139). If ”we stop feeling, its sensations start dictating our responses” (p.139).
Understanding
”If we are emotionally stressed, calming ourselves is essential” (p.144). Our ”energy communicates … more immediately than our words do” (p.144). ”It is … important to support what we are saying with a clear description of our expectations, as well as examples of what improvement would look like” (p.145). ”Finding shared understanding in our communication weaves strength, continuity, and durability into our relationships” (p.146).
Shadow
”It is imperative to own shadow” (p.151). ”We expend … life energy when we reject part of our identity” (p.151). ”Our ability to be authentic and natural with others is inevitably compromised when we repress certain thoughts and feelings” (p.151). ”Our inability to touch the places in ourselves that we fear and judge makes us critical and fearful of the world” (p.151). Conflict sometimes dissolves when ”projection is taken back” (p.157). And even if conflicts don’t go away ”we may see them differently” (p.157).
Worldviews
”Worldviews comprise a whole set of perspectives that influence our interpretation of reality and filter our experience” (p.162). We ”usually have to be pushed or pulled out of our comfort zone” to ”change our worldview” (p.164). ”A worldview is … an entire gestalt of opinions that frames meaning” (p.164). When ”we can look at the filter of our own worldview” we can begin ”to challenge our assumptions instead of everyone else’s” (p.171).
Compassion
”For anyone working with conflict, compassion is a core capacity” (p.176). ”Compassion flows from a heart that brings nonjudgmental presence” (p.176). Without practice we ”habitually contract and defend against pain” (p.177). We can work with strong emotions ”by giving in to them instead of resisting … them” (p.179). It’s in itself ”a form of compassion” (p.179). ”As compassion is to suffering, forgiveness is to injury” (p.180). ”Working with our feelings, keeping our hearts open, and staying … compassionate … promote fearlessness and courage” (p.180).
Practice
Conflict resolution isn’t easy. ”There are different ways to go about it” (p.195). ”It imperative that we … listen more deeply to different points of view” and ”learn to take a stand and speak with clarity ” when we are called to do so (p.196). ”With practice, we can develop our conflict skills” (p.198). We can learn ”to engage with awareness and compassion, … liberated from fixed outcomes” (p.198). There is a joy ”just below the surface” (p.199). ”Life is good, even when it is hard” (p.200).
Conclusions
This is a great book about a very important topic. Constructive conflict resolution is critically important. The aim is not to eliminate conflict, but to transform it by staying fully present. This requires a willingness to be honest and compassionate with ourselves and others. And it requires practice — much practice. The book is very readable and full of different practices. I recommend the book!
Conflict
Conflict ”is intrinsic to our human experience” (p.1). To ”transform conflict, we must let go of the notion that something or someone is wrong or bad” (p.3). ”The conflict isn’t the problem; our response to it is” (p.3). Learning how to transform conflict ”demands that we become more present, more fearless” (p.5).
Meditation
Meditation is a ”method to help us access a deep sense of inner calm and trust in the unfolding of our life” (p.13). The ”first encounter with ourselves is often an unruly mix” of bodily discomfort and emotional unease (p.8). ”We are preoccupied with … forming so many opinions, judgments, and preferences in reactions to life” (p.9). When ”the mind settles down and we become one with our immediate experience” everything ”becomes … more workable” (p.10).
Intention
Intention is ”an internal choice or commitment that guides our actions” (p.15). Often problems arise ”because we aren’t clear … about what we really intend in our interactions with others” (p.18). It’s therefore ”extremely important” that we ”clarify our intentions” (p.19). ”To communicate, problem solve, deal with conflict, and work with others, we must be present to things as they are” (p.19). This requires intention, and clarifying our intention ”requires a willingness to be rigorously honest with ourselves” (p.20).
Attention
”By paying attention, we learn to respond differently” (p.24). ”In each moment, we can … create more choices for ourselves” (p.26). ”Learning how to be present to conflict is similar to learning how to be present to pain” (p.26). In any situation ”we can access the innate wisdom of the moment” (p.27). We can learn to ”remain present despite all sorts of impulses to do something else” (p.30). We even have ”the ability to take a perspective on our momentary perspective” (p.31). We can ”consciously choose new ways to relate with ourselves and others” (p.31).
Emotions
We can “learn to transform our emotions without suppressing them” (p.34). Learning how ”to relate with fear directly” is necessary ”to working with conflict” (p.35). Emotional states are ”powerful sources of information and of … energy” (p.37). Allowing ourselves to ”really feel the flood of … emotions” help us ”work with them” and ”navigate through them” (p.39).
Protection
There are ”three basic ways we protect ourselves” (p.42): We ”move away,” ”move toward,” or ”move against” (p.42). We expend ”energy on suppressing awareness of the conflict” (p.44). And the ”suppression leads to depression, isolation, and … helplessness” (p.44). ”We have to be able to say no and mean it” (p.47).
Aggression
”Aggression always creates a sense of separation” (p.48). We need to learn to ”expose our vulnerability, and step into new ways of being” (p.49). We can then ”stay present instead of disappearing” (p.50). This makes it possible for us to ”know what we think and feel, and … communicate that clearly” (p.50).
Perspectives
A few people are ”incapable of expressing … their wants, and their needs” (p.55). Most people are able to ”speak on their own behalf,” but are ”unable to see the validity of the other side” (p.56). Some are ”more flexible” (p.56). And very few are able to ”express their point of view, genuinely listen to an opposing one, and include … the interests of third parties” (p.56). ”Rather than cope with … anxiety and doubt, we are tempted to … collapsing reality into a single point of view” (p.58).
Navigation
Granting “the validity of another’s first-person perspective is key” (p.65). Each one of us ”relies on our first-person perspective to navigate … reality” (p.66), The first step is to ”acknowledge the validity of each … first first-person perspective” (p.69). ”To bring people together … we must weave first-person perspectives together with … third-person information” (p.68).
Identity
Growing ”an individual identity is a critical step” (p.73) ”First we need to learn how to care for ourselves and be responsible for our own lives” (p.73). In time, we can learn to “rest naturally in wakeful awareness” (p.75). ”We learn to see that the ʿIʾ perspective is always limited and sometimes blind” (p.76).
Responsibility
The most ”powerful and liberating use of the first person comes when we … take responsibility for ourselves and our actions” (p.76). There is also ”a power to expressing vulnerability from first person” (p.77). We ”learn to express ourselves with more openness” (p.77). When we ”speak consciously from the first-person perspective, we are … owning our self-motivations” (p.79).
Listening
”Listening is so powerful as to be almost alchemical in its ability to transform a conversation or conflict” (p.85). ”Listening … requires intention, openness, and generosity” (p.86).”We steady our attention” and ”remain fully present” (p.91). ”This goes a long way in the art of being human” (p.91). ”Paradoxically, if we privilege language less, we seem to listen more” (p.91).
Witnessing
Remarkably, we can ”take a perspective on our perspective” (p.98). ”Sometimes simply witnessing can have a positive effect on a situation” (p.99). Being ”present, unbiased, and available to what is without imposing preconceived ideas or judgments” (p.100).
Change
All things ”are subject to context, causes, and conditions” (p.108). ”Everything is always changing” and ”influencing everything else” (p.108). ”We can still have our opinions and … values, but we cease to grip them as the source of our security” (p.109). We find that ”we can cultivate and deepen our values” (p.109).
Negotiations
We are ”involved in negotiations all the time” (p.114). Good negotiations ”depend on cultivating good relationships” (p.114). It’s important to take ”different perspectives: yours, the other side’s, and a neutral one” (p.114). ”People often relax their positions when their deeper wants and needs are affirmed” (p.117). ”Once shared interests are identified, creativity sets in” (p.117). ”The assumption is that something good will emerge if people bring their passion and skills to the table and suspend their need to know how things will turn out” (p.113).
Creativity
”Creativity is all-pervasive and ever present” (p.120). Creativity ”occurs in the moment-to-moment existence of everyone and everything” (p.122). Every situation, including conflict, ”offers us an opportunity to innovate” (p.122). ”Creativity is always percolating just below the surface of our lives” (p.124). Playing with conflict ”implies an attitude of ease, curiosity, and possibility” (p.124).
Control
Relinquish the ”attachment to controlling outcomes” (p.125). ”The idea is not to eliminate conflict” (p.128). ”The aim is to transform it” (p.128). Creativity necessarily ”involves encounters with the unknown, the chaotic, and the pain that … accompany the birth of something new” (p.128).
Reframing
The ”same event can be interpreted in many ways” (p.131). A ”skillful reframe can determine whether a conversation succeeds or fails” (p.131). ”Skillful reframes … help us strip … negative judgments from our conversations” (p.133). However, to succeed ”a reframe has to contain a compelling truth” (p.133). New interpretations must enable ”us to see more than we did before” (p.134).
Relaxation
Strong feelings ”often govern the meaning we make of our experiences” (p.134). It’s important to learn to relax, using the breath to calm the ”overly protective nervous system” (p.138). This opens ”the space to respond consciously” (p.139). Usually, ”we don’t allow for the space” and ”fail to feel the body’s reaction[s]” (p.139). ”Learning to feel directly and consciously is very important” (p.139). If ”we stop feeling, its sensations start dictating our responses” (p.139).
Understanding
”If we are emotionally stressed, calming ourselves is essential” (p.144). Our ”energy communicates … more immediately than our words do” (p.144). ”It is … important to support what we are saying with a clear description of our expectations, as well as examples of what improvement would look like” (p.145). ”Finding shared understanding in our communication weaves strength, continuity, and durability into our relationships” (p.146).
Shadow
”It is imperative to own shadow” (p.151). ”We expend … life energy when we reject part of our identity” (p.151). ”Our ability to be authentic and natural with others is inevitably compromised when we repress certain thoughts and feelings” (p.151). ”Our inability to touch the places in ourselves that we fear and judge makes us critical and fearful of the world” (p.151). Conflict sometimes dissolves when ”projection is taken back” (p.157). And even if conflicts don’t go away ”we may see them differently” (p.157).
Worldviews
”Worldviews comprise a whole set of perspectives that influence our interpretation of reality and filter our experience” (p.162). We ”usually have to be pushed or pulled out of our comfort zone” to ”change our worldview” (p.164). ”A worldview is … an entire gestalt of opinions that frames meaning” (p.164). When ”we can look at the filter of our own worldview” we can begin ”to challenge our assumptions instead of everyone else’s” (p.171).
Compassion
”For anyone working with conflict, compassion is a core capacity” (p.176). ”Compassion flows from a heart that brings nonjudgmental presence” (p.176). Without practice we ”habitually contract and defend against pain” (p.177). We can work with strong emotions ”by giving in to them instead of resisting … them” (p.179). It’s in itself ”a form of compassion” (p.179). ”As compassion is to suffering, forgiveness is to injury” (p.180). ”Working with our feelings, keeping our hearts open, and staying … compassionate … promote fearlessness and courage” (p.180).
Practice
Conflict resolution isn’t easy. ”There are different ways to go about it” (p.195). ”It imperative that we … listen more deeply to different points of view” and ”learn to take a stand and speak with clarity ” when we are called to do so (p.196). ”With practice, we can develop our conflict skills” (p.198). We can learn ”to engage with awareness and compassion, … liberated from fixed outcomes” (p.198). There is a joy ”just below the surface” (p.199). ”Life is good, even when it is hard” (p.200).
Conclusions
This is a great book about a very important topic. Constructive conflict resolution is critically important. The aim is not to eliminate conflict, but to transform it by staying fully present. This requires a willingness to be honest and compassionate with ourselves and others. And it requires practice — much practice. The book is very readable and full of different practices. I recommend the book!
July 4, 2017
I read this book for professional development, and I was really excited and curious by the premise of blending Zen and conflict resolution. However this book was a huge disappointment, and here's why:
1) The book was not laid out in a well-organized way. There was no central thread connecting the chapters, but some chapters were connected. It was hard to feel like momentum was building.
2) There were few tools that I could take away and apply. The reflection exercises were helpful at times, but as a practitioner I wanted to understand both how to use for myself and for others.
3) The book actually seemed a little ego-centric about what the author had done.
4) The Buddhist elements were interesting but not very useful (I am not a Buddhist, FWIW). They were also not consistent throughout the book. Sometimes I felt Buddhist details were added for color rather than to prove a point.
I had high hopes for this book but was very disappointed. It might be useful if you practice Zen buddhism or you want a very different perspective, or if you're interested in essays that explore rather than practices to apply.
1) The book was not laid out in a well-organized way. There was no central thread connecting the chapters, but some chapters were connected. It was hard to feel like momentum was building.
2) There were few tools that I could take away and apply. The reflection exercises were helpful at times, but as a practitioner I wanted to understand both how to use for myself and for others.
3) The book actually seemed a little ego-centric about what the author had done.
4) The Buddhist elements were interesting but not very useful (I am not a Buddhist, FWIW). They were also not consistent throughout the book. Sometimes I felt Buddhist details were added for color rather than to prove a point.
I had high hopes for this book but was very disappointed. It might be useful if you practice Zen buddhism or you want a very different perspective, or if you're interested in essays that explore rather than practices to apply.
February 1, 2020
Heavier on the zen practice part than the conflict resolution part, but worthwhile.
April 4, 2025
Everything is Workable by Diane Musho Hamilton is a grounded, compassionate guide to dealing with the interpersonal conflict that arises in every part of life—from the workplace to family to friendships. It's thoughtful, practical, and gently challenges the idea that conflict is something to avoid. Instead, Hamilton encourages us to treat it as an opportunity for growth. The line that stuck with me was:
“Conflict is natural and often necessary. When we avoid it, we also avoid growth.”
What I appreciated most was the reminder that meditation alone doesn’t make sticky issues disappear. Even if we cultivate calm on the cushion, we still say the wrong thing, clash with others, and feel hurt. Hamilton makes the case that conflict resolution is part of the path—that it’s not a sign we’ve failed at being mindful, but rather a vital area for practice.
It’s a really accessible and practical read on using mindfulness in real life, and I’d recommend this to anyone working with others or navigating challenging relationships.
“Conflict is natural and often necessary. When we avoid it, we also avoid growth.”
What I appreciated most was the reminder that meditation alone doesn’t make sticky issues disappear. Even if we cultivate calm on the cushion, we still say the wrong thing, clash with others, and feel hurt. Hamilton makes the case that conflict resolution is part of the path—that it’s not a sign we’ve failed at being mindful, but rather a vital area for practice.
It’s a really accessible and practical read on using mindfulness in real life, and I’d recommend this to anyone working with others or navigating challenging relationships.
January 14, 2014
I really enjoyed reading Everything is Workable and feel comfortable recommending it to almost anyone because of its balance and pragmatism. I appreciate how Hamilton discusses integral concepts, underscores the importance of meditation, and reframes working with conflict as a transformative spiritual practice. Finally, I really appreciate how the frequent real-life examples model the book’s final point—that life is practice.
June 25, 2014
Written by a Buddhist teacher, who has also worked for ages as a mediator, this book gives practical suggestions on how to work with conflict and differing opinions. It was very helpful.
April 16, 2016
This book changed my perspective on interpersonal conflicts. Very helpful!
Read
April 9, 2021I cannot support this book or my opinion.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
July 29, 2022
There are parts of this book that are absolutely brilliant and wonderful; however, about half of it fell flat. There are several examples that undercut the point Hamilton was making and the latter half of the book feels directionless. I think she would have benefited from a courageous editor to take out about 30% of this because it really is too bad that is falls off. I also found her hero worship of Ken Wilbur to get on my nerves; she wrote as if he is the be-all, end-all of understanding humankind. I don't disagree that he has some amazing perspectives, but I found her lack of a critical lens when it comes to his philosophy and position a bit sycophantic.
May 13, 2024
(2.5 stars for the trouble of writing)
Only few good points I can use, mixed in with author’s egocentricity.
I cannot help but to think why the author got kicked out of her Zen practice and had a fall out with her master.
I was not convinced if she really should be writing or teaching about Zen judging from the conflict examples she gives and her attitude toward them. Those examples revealed her impotency in the very topic she’s giving advice to others, which to me is pretentious.
Only few good points I can use, mixed in with author’s egocentricity.
I cannot help but to think why the author got kicked out of her Zen practice and had a fall out with her master.
I was not convinced if she really should be writing or teaching about Zen judging from the conflict examples she gives and her attitude toward them. Those examples revealed her impotency in the very topic she’s giving advice to others, which to me is pretentious.
September 7, 2019
Another great book from Diane Musho Hamilton. I read the Zen of You and Me first. As a Zen practitioner and a couples therapist who works with conflict, there are several gems in here. I’m taking conflict styles with me as well as the importance of what perspective are you speaking from? Another little gem I’ve been sharing with clients: listening does not mean you agree.
January 11, 2024
Many useful and positive ideas. The exercises at the end of each chapter are flexible in the time you could take and open to some personal interpretation, which I found respectful.
(There's one chapter on meditation that focuses on Buddhist philosophy, which you could skip without missing any of the rest of the message.)
(There's one chapter on meditation that focuses on Buddhist philosophy, which you could skip without missing any of the rest of the message.)
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July 18, 2024“When I respected the message of the feeling states, I could work with them. I couldn’t work with them if I just felt them; I couldn’t work with them if I just gave them space. It was only by respecting their intelligence that I could begin to navigate through them.”
January 26, 2025
I felt like there was a lot more material on the practice of zen vs conflict resolution but it was still an interesting read and I was able to get some good take aways in the conflict resolution arena.
March 17, 2025
I appreciated the meditative exercises throughout, the focus on self-reflection, and the concept of truth and beauty within conflict. I highly recommend this to anyone in the dispute resolution professional space as well as individuals looking to improve their conflict engagement skills.
October 3, 2018
20181001 ◊ Unfortunately self-absorbed and tone deaf. Wouldn't recommend.
April 3, 2020
Brilliant. I definitely need to read it again kind of brilliant.
November 8, 2020
Teleurstellend boek, helaas. Veel open deuren.
September 12, 2022
Hard pass on anything that takes The Secret seriously.
May 4, 2023
Loved to parts about understanding new perspectives. Some of the zen stuff was a little much for me.
August 6, 2025
Had some good points!
January 13, 2017
This is an excellent book. While it uses the language and frameworks of Buddhism and Integral theory, I believe it is an incredibly helpful and accessible introduction to communication and transcending conflict.
January 7, 2016
This was a really enjoyable read. The public image/stereotype of Buddhists is usually that they've somehow transcended conflict, and live completely serene lives. Hamilton provides a good counterpoint to that stereotype, and shows that Buddhists are just as likely as any other people to experience conflict in their personal and professional lives. What's different for them, and what she makes a good case for, is the tools Buddhism makes available for dealing with those conflicts. It definitely gave me a lot to think about in terms of how I experience and process conflict in my life.
October 12, 2015
I can see the importance of this book as we are all people moving through the world where communication, conflict, and connection occur. I enjoyed the read overall, but what I most enjoyed were times when Hamilton weaved in personal stories to make clearer her point. I find this style helpful, and it engages the reader. The Zen approach adds another (spiritual) layer to the process of navigating conflict. It's worth picking up. Enjoy.
July 1, 2015
Ended up speed reading through it as the information can be found elsewhere with less frustration.
I had little appreciation for the way the author spoke of those around her and their abilities or lack thereof.
I had little appreciation for the way the author spoke of those around her and their abilities or lack thereof.
October 28, 2015
I find that I read a lot of this sort of book even though I am not sure about self-help/personal cultivation books as a category. Strange admission, I suppose, being a monk. I guess it's that I prefer practice to talk. Even so, the author here has a strong and clear voice and a good message.
September 27, 2014
Cannot recommend this book highly enough.
December 1, 2014
Practical. Useful. Helpful approach. Not every conflict can be resolved or even managed well, but this is still good information.
November 30, 2017
Very helpful book. It's not that she says anything very different from everyone else, but it's nicely organized and Diane's examples and ways of explaining are excellent
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